Black Comedy (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
# Theme music
TIDDA 1: What's this, then, slut?
TIDDA 2: What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut? (Repeating)
What's this, then, slut? (Repeating)
Eyah, slut!
Welcome to New Zealand.
Aotearoa, slut!
Me and my man
have got a booking here.
We'd like to... check in.
Yes, of course.
Now, if I could just get your name?
(Mobile phone rings)
One moment please.
Hello?
What do you mean
you can't make the wedding!?
But you're the Best Slut,
and the Slut of Honour!
Well, I hope your recovery is fucked!
What's going on!?
Peter Blant and Bent Budhoo James
and can't make the wedding
because James is recovering
from surgery.
What surgery?
He's had surgery to unbend
his bent budhoo -
that big bendy budhoo slut!
What a pair of sluts!
So what are we going to do now?
Get married!
(Gasps)
Anyway, we don't need them.
The wedding will be better off
with two less sluts.
Aww, I love it
when you talk like that!
That's why you're my...
lord of my rings!
Ooh! Who needs Middle Earth when
I've got the middle of your fork!
Oh, stop it! You're getting
my precious all worked up!
Then why should I stop,
because you know I love
going there and back again!
See how you go!
Can't even carry me up to our room!
Excuse me, excuse me.
You can't go up to your room yet.
You haven't checked in.
Well, what's this, then, slut?
Well, it all started when
I was on my way to uni one morning.
It was a Tuesday morning,
and the bus was really crowded.
It was peak hour,
and no-one would sit with me.
See the thing is,
it happened all the time
but I always thought
it was in my head.
Like I was paranoid, or something,
you know?
But then I realised
what was actually going on.
They weren't sitting next to me
because...
It's alright, you can have a seat.
..I'm Aboriginal.
So I decided to make a campaign
the only way I know how.
Through hashtags and social media.
I wanted to make a difference.
So I typed it.
'Hashtag, I'll sit with you'.
I pressed enter, and it was done.
It went viral.
(Message tone sounds)
People made bracelets
with #illsitwithyou.
They could wear them
as a sign of support.
Everyone was wearing them.
And for one harmonious moment,
it felt like everyone
was sitting with everyone else,
no matter what their colour.
But then it went wrong.
People went too far.
They were always sitting next
to Aboriginal people all the time.
On the bus, at lunch...
Hey, hey, someone's in here!
I'll sit with you.
It had gone too far.
And it wasn't just happening to me.
It was happening
to all Aboriginal people,
and they were resenting me for it.
I knew what I had to do.
With great power
comes great responsibility.
I had to make it stop.
So I went back online,
and I typed
'Hashtag, don't sit with me'.
I have to wear these
on a daily basis now.
Just in case.
But usually
I just go about my business.
Oh, and it also turns out
I got halitosis.
That's bad breath.
Which is probably why no-one
sat with me in the first place.
So I just rollerblade everywhere now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm still learning,
but it means I don't have to
sit next to people anymore.
So, Alex. You're back.
Uh-huh.
Excited to be behind the wheel
of a live motor vehicle?
Yeah, sure.
Well, you shouldn't goddamn be!
You get excited
in a live motor vehicle,
you die.
(Whispers) You die.
(Groans)
So, what do you do
before you start the car?
Uh, buckle up?
And?
Check my blind spots.
What else?
Uh, flick on my indicator?
What the hell are you doing?
I don't know.
I thought you were supposed
to indicate with your flicker
before turning out
so that the other cars know.
Did I say put your flicker on?
No. You didn't.
Exactly. I did not.
I thought you had to indicate
when turning out.
When you don't listen...
(Softly) ..you die.
OK. What am I supposed to do?
You're supposed to
put your hand out the window,
and give the people behind you
the finger, while you pull out.
(Chuckles) I mean,
that's not an actual thing though.
You think I got my licence
at a freakin' $2 store?
No, I just thought, you know,
it's kind of rude.
Rude. (Scoffs)
You ain't got no clipboard.
(Sighs)
You ain't got no badge.
You don't have no pen,
and you definitely do not
have these glasses.
You know what?
You're right.
I shouldn't be allowed to drive.
I'm done.
But, Alex.
I thought we were friends.
I think you're a really great guy.
I care about you.
I don't want you to...
(Softly) ..die.
Really?
You really feel that way about me?
Of course not.
Now, get out of the car.
Double lesson next time.
I'm charging you for three!
(Bridal march plays)
(Laughter)
Eyah, sluts!
What, sluts?
What are you two doing here?
I could ask the same
of you two sluts.
Show him your ring, baby.
I mean your engagement ring!
He liked it,
so he put a ring on it!
Then he put his ring on it.
Biggest mob times.
Biggest mob!
That's because
he's got the biggest hole.
Don't try and make out
you're all stitched up.
Everybody knows you've
got the biggest hole in Auckland,
or in your case, Forkland!
I wouldn't be so sure about that!
We're getting married too,
and by the looks of it,
my ring is bigger.
A lot bigger.
Your ring looks real dull.
(Both scoff)
That's only because
my ring needs a clean.
My man polish it for me later.
That's right, sluts!
Plus, we've got
the best Beyonce drag celebrant
in all of New Zealand!
You mean the baddest, blackest,
booty-shaking bitch
in all of Aotearoa,
Robert Frescon, aka Ima Mimer?
That's right, bitches!
So what you got?
Oh, we got her too, bitch!
We got her too!
And did I mention she's our friend?
That means that bitch for free.
I don't believe anything that
comes out of sluts' mouths anyway.
Well, you better believe it.
And you better believe it good!
Well, I don't believe it!
I don't believe it bad!
Then you sluts should
come see for yourselves.
3:30 tomorrow afternoon
at the Hilton.
3:30!? But we're
getting married at 3:30!
I'd double-check that if I were you.
(Dials number)
(Phone rings)
Hello, Ima?
I'm ringing about
our wedding tomorrow at 3:30.
What message?
Listen here, you woolly-haired,
bandy-legged, Beyonce wannabe slut!
Hello?
She hung up on me!
That bitch hung up on me!
Looks like you'll have to
get married back home in Australia.
Oh, that's right! They can't
because of slut legislation!
But we searched everywhere
for that slut!
I'm starting to think
we're not meant to get married.
First the Best Slut and
Slut of Honour can't make it,
and now our celebrant
can't marry us.
What if
we're not meant to get married!?
Aw, don't say that!
What if we're not meant to be
eternal sluts! (Sobs)
Are youse happy now?
This was supposed to be the
most slutty experience of our lives,
and you've just ruined it,
ruined it!
Can't even get married!
(Shoes squeak with each step)
Uh, well, I'm... I'm very sorry, Sam.
Why, what's wrong?
Well, I'm afraid
the results have come back
and... it's cancer.
Cancer?
(Sobs)
Well, now you know
how Aboriginal people feel, eh?
(Laughter)
Laine, that was delicious.
You have outdone yourself this time.
Oh, stop it.
No, you really have.
You're a lucky man, Stu.
A very lucky man.
So, how's Janelle? Janelle?
Yeah, Trevor's sister.
You know, the one you sponsored.
'A dollar a day.' Your Aboriginal?
Oh, Janelle. Yes, Janelle.
Yeah, we, uh... had to let her go.
Go? Yep, go. Shwoosh. Like that.
Wow! Yeah, I know.
Yeah, we read this book
on Aboriginal self-determination.
It was very enlightening.
Basically, what it said is
that Aborigines need to take
their matters into their own hands.
Yeah. Wow.
We were being, like, white saviours
and not letting her have
any of her own autonomy.
Well, that's what the book said,
and we really, we just...
we couldn't do that to Janelle.
Yeah, not Janelle.
So we decided that what was
best for her, as white people,
was to... leave her alone.
Is she OK?
Oh, I think so.
We haven't really heard from her.
No, no, not since
we changed the number and all that,
but oh, no, I did hear
that she'd been evicted.
Well, maybe the next time
we see Trevor,
we could ask him about her.
You still have Trevor?
We sure do.
Why? Oh, it's...
It's a bit oppressive, isn't it?
You're being a bit of a coloniser.
We helped Trevor
set up a bank account
with his own savings the other week.
He seemed very thankful.
He even carved us an emu egg
when we paid for him to go back
to country to get off the junk.
That's all well and good,
but have you ever asked Trevor
what he wanted?
No, not... directly.
Well, there you go! Ah.
You see, you need to let Trevor
decide what he wants.
By himself. With autonomy
and self-determination.
Also, you'll save a ton.
Oh, God!
When we stopped paying Janelle
a dollar a day,
we realised that we'd saved enough
to install a hot tub
next to the pool.
Wow! I know!
Oh, we'll have to
do a little dip later.
So what you're saying
is that by helping Trevor,
we're not helping Trevor at all,
we're being white saviours
and we are
oppressing his self-determination?
Yes.
Maybe we should cancel Trevor.
What do you think, honey?
Well, I don't want to hurt Trevor.
Oh, come on, do it. Just do it!
Let him have his freedom,
like it was before colonisation.
Let them have that.
OK. Let's do it. For Trevor.
Awww.
To Trevor and Janelle.
Aborigines and self-determination.
Hey...
Who's for that sneaky dip
in the hot tub?
(Laughter)
I haven't even brought my swimmers!
Ooh, no matter! (Laughter)
(Bridal march plays)
Eyah, slut! What, slut? (Sobs)
Should we just get another celebrant?
What's the use? (Sobs)
(Knock at door)
I'll get that. (Sobs)
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now, we come in peace.
We want to talk to you
about something.
(Scoffs)
(Crying)
Cut to the chase, sluts!
How did you find us anyway?
It wasn't hard.
We just asked around if anybody had
seen two depressed Aboriginal sluts.
You leave
quite the slutty, teary trail.
Look, it doesn't matter
how we found you.
What matters
is that we're here with an offer.
What offer?
Well,
seeing that you can't get married
back home in the 'lucky country'
and Ima's
a very good friend of ours,
and can marry us
whenever the hell we want,
we'd like to give up our booking.
You lie.
Quite the opposite, actually.
After you'd both left,
Merv and I decided we've never seen
poorer sluts in all our lives.
(Chuckles)
So here we are.
Do you want it or not?
What do you mean, 'Do we want it'?
Of course we want it!
We didn't fly to New Zealand
to finger ourselves!
Well, then it's yours.
Congratulations.
We hope you have
a happy life together.
You may have to apologise
to Ima though,
for calling her a bandy-legged,
woolly-haired, Beyonce wannabe slut.
You're lucky she let us work it out,
so make sure you say sorry.
Well, since we're in the mood
for doing good deeds
I'd like to make you two an offer.
And, yep, it pretty much shows
what I expected.
Congratulations, you're pregnant.
(Breathes heavily)
OK, so we'll prescribe you
some prenatal vitamins.
(Whooshes through air)
Any questions?
(Lift bell rings)
And again, congratula-...
Ow!
Hey there, Nana.
See you heard the good news.
(Breathes heavily)
# CHEERFUL SYNTH MUSIC
VOICE-OVER: Is your life
going nowhere?
Wake up to yourself!
(Exhales heavily)
My series of books and audio books,
as read by me, Uncle Doctor,
are bound to get you
on the right path.
Best sellers like...
(Gasps)
Order now, ya dumb dog.
# SYNTH MUSIC
(Music skips, distorts)
Call Uncle Doctor to-...
Shutchole!
Uncle Doctor!
Dad.
Yes, son.
Who do I look more like -
you or Mum?
Well, you kind of look more
like your... Uncle Jimmy.
(Whistles)
Yeah.
(Continues whistling)
Yeah.
(Shouting in fear, heavy breathing)
He didn't manage to follow us,
did he?
No, thank god.
We've definitely lost him.
The bastard almost got me
with that carving knife!
Why did we have to split up?
Because they wanted to send
the black guy off to die first!
Dickhead, we're both black.
Yeah, but I'm blacker. That's why
they sent me to die first.
How come you're blacker than me?
Well,
I'm certainly not whiter than you.
You want to do this now?
Oh, bruz, you watch Ellen DeGeneres.
You're about as Aboriginal
as Pad Thai.
Says Terry the Tennis player.
Well, you pronounce your R's!
You have boat insurance!
As a matter of fact,
you got a fuckin' boat!
Argh, your parents
are happily married!
You thought 'shake a leg'
was a seasoning!
You stand up
for the national anthem!
(Both scream)
Oh, God. Oh, God, please!
Don't kill us!
Kill him, he's blacker!
What!?
You're black too!
I'm white, I'm super white.
I play tennis.
I drive a Volvo!
I own a boat! And it's insured!
I... I vote Liberal!
I watch Sky News!
I watch Ellen!
Oh, please, please, please.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Are you guys operating
under the assumption
that I've picked you based on
some cultural or aesthetic reason?
That shit is hurtful!
(Both whimpering)
Racists!
So, Ginny,
I heard it all went down
at bingo the other day.
Oh, you mean with
Jane Arsehole Bitch Kerrigan?
Oh, it went down all right.
That arsehole bitch
got what was coming to her.
Why!? What happened?
Well, you know that deep fork
won the jackpot a few weeks ago?
The one
that wouldn't give you half of it?
Anyway, since she's won the jackpot,
she's been parading her
wrinkled-up, dried-out, saggy fork
around my bingo. Please!
Make me sick!
Oh you haven't heard
the best of it yet!
Oh, what!?
Well,
I was standing in line patiently
to get my jackpot tickets
when that bitch tries to push in.
No! Yes!
And with them group of bitches,
I might add!
Ooh-ah!
Well, I wouldn't have a bar of it.
I told her
to drag her out-of-shape arse
to the back of the line
where it belongs.
You know what that dirty stop-out
had the cheek to say to me?
What!?
That her arse is only out of shape
because my dear old Pete
used to bang it so hard.
(Gasps)
Oh, that was it!
I grabbed that lizard-lipped,
emu-necked, goanna-eyed bitch
by the throat,
and next minute,
we're rolling around on the ground.
You go girl! Oh, I went alright!
She didn't know what to do,
so she started grabbing
them bingo dobbers.
And she started hitting me
in the face with them.
By the time I wrestled them off her,
I looked like I was painted up
for ceremony.
And then what happened?
Well,
I grabbed them dobbers off her,
and I said to her, 'Ooh, hey,
you wanna dob, ay? You deep fork.'
And then I dobbed her
from head to toe.
That bitch looked like
she had the pox.
That was it. They shit themselves.
They packed up that bitch
and they left.
Well, what'd you do then?
I played bingo, of course!
Nothing - and I mean nothing -
comes between me and my bingo.
Ginny. The world
could learn a thing or two from you.
(Bridal march plays)
# DREAMY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
# BRIDAL CHORUS
(Excited chatter)
(Applause)
Woo-hoo. My man, my man, my man!
Mmmmm.
# Me, me, me, me, me.
Look at me now!
# Here comes the one
who's getting married today
# All you gammin jealous bitches
better get out of my way
# 'Cause I've got a man,
and youse ain't got shit
# And if youse haven't married
by now
# You poor bitches
might as well quit. #
(Chuckles)
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to join these two in marriage.
Before I go any further,
is there anyone out there
that does not believe
these two should be getting married?
Look.
Rings!
(Giggles)
(Clears throat)
Mark, do you take Greg
to be your lawful wedded husband?
I do.
And, Greg,
do you take Mark
to be your lawful wedded husband?
What do you think?
I didn't go through shit
for the last few days
just to run away from my man.
(Giggles)
Oh!
The ring is on! The ring is on!
The ring is on!
I now pronounce you
husband and husband.
Tiddas, you may kiss the slut.
(Mutters) Come here, you slut.
(Cheering and applause)
So much for,
'can't even get married'!
So what do we do now?
There's only one thing sluts do
at a time like this!
Can't even dance?
(Gasps) What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
(Laughter)
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut? (All repeat)
# UPBEAT DISCO
TIDDA 1: What's this, then, slut?
TIDDA 2: What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut? (Repeating)
What's this, then, slut? (Repeating)
Eyah, slut!
Welcome to New Zealand.
Aotearoa, slut!
Me and my man
have got a booking here.
We'd like to... check in.
Yes, of course.
Now, if I could just get your name?
(Mobile phone rings)
One moment please.
Hello?
What do you mean
you can't make the wedding!?
But you're the Best Slut,
and the Slut of Honour!
Well, I hope your recovery is fucked!
What's going on!?
Peter Blant and Bent Budhoo James
and can't make the wedding
because James is recovering
from surgery.
What surgery?
He's had surgery to unbend
his bent budhoo -
that big bendy budhoo slut!
What a pair of sluts!
So what are we going to do now?
Get married!
(Gasps)
Anyway, we don't need them.
The wedding will be better off
with two less sluts.
Aww, I love it
when you talk like that!
That's why you're my...
lord of my rings!
Ooh! Who needs Middle Earth when
I've got the middle of your fork!
Oh, stop it! You're getting
my precious all worked up!
Then why should I stop,
because you know I love
going there and back again!
See how you go!
Can't even carry me up to our room!
Excuse me, excuse me.
You can't go up to your room yet.
You haven't checked in.
Well, what's this, then, slut?
Well, it all started when
I was on my way to uni one morning.
It was a Tuesday morning,
and the bus was really crowded.
It was peak hour,
and no-one would sit with me.
See the thing is,
it happened all the time
but I always thought
it was in my head.
Like I was paranoid, or something,
you know?
But then I realised
what was actually going on.
They weren't sitting next to me
because...
It's alright, you can have a seat.
..I'm Aboriginal.
So I decided to make a campaign
the only way I know how.
Through hashtags and social media.
I wanted to make a difference.
So I typed it.
'Hashtag, I'll sit with you'.
I pressed enter, and it was done.
It went viral.
(Message tone sounds)
People made bracelets
with #illsitwithyou.
They could wear them
as a sign of support.
Everyone was wearing them.
And for one harmonious moment,
it felt like everyone
was sitting with everyone else,
no matter what their colour.
But then it went wrong.
People went too far.
They were always sitting next
to Aboriginal people all the time.
On the bus, at lunch...
Hey, hey, someone's in here!
I'll sit with you.
It had gone too far.
And it wasn't just happening to me.
It was happening
to all Aboriginal people,
and they were resenting me for it.
I knew what I had to do.
With great power
comes great responsibility.
I had to make it stop.
So I went back online,
and I typed
'Hashtag, don't sit with me'.
I have to wear these
on a daily basis now.
Just in case.
But usually
I just go about my business.
Oh, and it also turns out
I got halitosis.
That's bad breath.
Which is probably why no-one
sat with me in the first place.
So I just rollerblade everywhere now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm still learning,
but it means I don't have to
sit next to people anymore.
So, Alex. You're back.
Uh-huh.
Excited to be behind the wheel
of a live motor vehicle?
Yeah, sure.
Well, you shouldn't goddamn be!
You get excited
in a live motor vehicle,
you die.
(Whispers) You die.
(Groans)
So, what do you do
before you start the car?
Uh, buckle up?
And?
Check my blind spots.
What else?
Uh, flick on my indicator?
What the hell are you doing?
I don't know.
I thought you were supposed
to indicate with your flicker
before turning out
so that the other cars know.
Did I say put your flicker on?
No. You didn't.
Exactly. I did not.
I thought you had to indicate
when turning out.
When you don't listen...
(Softly) ..you die.
OK. What am I supposed to do?
You're supposed to
put your hand out the window,
and give the people behind you
the finger, while you pull out.
(Chuckles) I mean,
that's not an actual thing though.
You think I got my licence
at a freakin' $2 store?
No, I just thought, you know,
it's kind of rude.
Rude. (Scoffs)
You ain't got no clipboard.
(Sighs)
You ain't got no badge.
You don't have no pen,
and you definitely do not
have these glasses.
You know what?
You're right.
I shouldn't be allowed to drive.
I'm done.
But, Alex.
I thought we were friends.
I think you're a really great guy.
I care about you.
I don't want you to...
(Softly) ..die.
Really?
You really feel that way about me?
Of course not.
Now, get out of the car.
Double lesson next time.
I'm charging you for three!
(Bridal march plays)
(Laughter)
Eyah, sluts!
What, sluts?
What are you two doing here?
I could ask the same
of you two sluts.
Show him your ring, baby.
I mean your engagement ring!
He liked it,
so he put a ring on it!
Then he put his ring on it.
Biggest mob times.
Biggest mob!
That's because
he's got the biggest hole.
Don't try and make out
you're all stitched up.
Everybody knows you've
got the biggest hole in Auckland,
or in your case, Forkland!
I wouldn't be so sure about that!
We're getting married too,
and by the looks of it,
my ring is bigger.
A lot bigger.
Your ring looks real dull.
(Both scoff)
That's only because
my ring needs a clean.
My man polish it for me later.
That's right, sluts!
Plus, we've got
the best Beyonce drag celebrant
in all of New Zealand!
You mean the baddest, blackest,
booty-shaking bitch
in all of Aotearoa,
Robert Frescon, aka Ima Mimer?
That's right, bitches!
So what you got?
Oh, we got her too, bitch!
We got her too!
And did I mention she's our friend?
That means that bitch for free.
I don't believe anything that
comes out of sluts' mouths anyway.
Well, you better believe it.
And you better believe it good!
Well, I don't believe it!
I don't believe it bad!
Then you sluts should
come see for yourselves.
3:30 tomorrow afternoon
at the Hilton.
3:30!? But we're
getting married at 3:30!
I'd double-check that if I were you.
(Dials number)
(Phone rings)
Hello, Ima?
I'm ringing about
our wedding tomorrow at 3:30.
What message?
Listen here, you woolly-haired,
bandy-legged, Beyonce wannabe slut!
Hello?
She hung up on me!
That bitch hung up on me!
Looks like you'll have to
get married back home in Australia.
Oh, that's right! They can't
because of slut legislation!
But we searched everywhere
for that slut!
I'm starting to think
we're not meant to get married.
First the Best Slut and
Slut of Honour can't make it,
and now our celebrant
can't marry us.
What if
we're not meant to get married!?
Aw, don't say that!
What if we're not meant to be
eternal sluts! (Sobs)
Are youse happy now?
This was supposed to be the
most slutty experience of our lives,
and you've just ruined it,
ruined it!
Can't even get married!
(Shoes squeak with each step)
Uh, well, I'm... I'm very sorry, Sam.
Why, what's wrong?
Well, I'm afraid
the results have come back
and... it's cancer.
Cancer?
(Sobs)
Well, now you know
how Aboriginal people feel, eh?
(Laughter)
Laine, that was delicious.
You have outdone yourself this time.
Oh, stop it.
No, you really have.
You're a lucky man, Stu.
A very lucky man.
So, how's Janelle? Janelle?
Yeah, Trevor's sister.
You know, the one you sponsored.
'A dollar a day.' Your Aboriginal?
Oh, Janelle. Yes, Janelle.
Yeah, we, uh... had to let her go.
Go? Yep, go. Shwoosh. Like that.
Wow! Yeah, I know.
Yeah, we read this book
on Aboriginal self-determination.
It was very enlightening.
Basically, what it said is
that Aborigines need to take
their matters into their own hands.
Yeah. Wow.
We were being, like, white saviours
and not letting her have
any of her own autonomy.
Well, that's what the book said,
and we really, we just...
we couldn't do that to Janelle.
Yeah, not Janelle.
So we decided that what was
best for her, as white people,
was to... leave her alone.
Is she OK?
Oh, I think so.
We haven't really heard from her.
No, no, not since
we changed the number and all that,
but oh, no, I did hear
that she'd been evicted.
Well, maybe the next time
we see Trevor,
we could ask him about her.
You still have Trevor?
We sure do.
Why? Oh, it's...
It's a bit oppressive, isn't it?
You're being a bit of a coloniser.
We helped Trevor
set up a bank account
with his own savings the other week.
He seemed very thankful.
He even carved us an emu egg
when we paid for him to go back
to country to get off the junk.
That's all well and good,
but have you ever asked Trevor
what he wanted?
No, not... directly.
Well, there you go! Ah.
You see, you need to let Trevor
decide what he wants.
By himself. With autonomy
and self-determination.
Also, you'll save a ton.
Oh, God!
When we stopped paying Janelle
a dollar a day,
we realised that we'd saved enough
to install a hot tub
next to the pool.
Wow! I know!
Oh, we'll have to
do a little dip later.
So what you're saying
is that by helping Trevor,
we're not helping Trevor at all,
we're being white saviours
and we are
oppressing his self-determination?
Yes.
Maybe we should cancel Trevor.
What do you think, honey?
Well, I don't want to hurt Trevor.
Oh, come on, do it. Just do it!
Let him have his freedom,
like it was before colonisation.
Let them have that.
OK. Let's do it. For Trevor.
Awww.
To Trevor and Janelle.
Aborigines and self-determination.
Hey...
Who's for that sneaky dip
in the hot tub?
(Laughter)
I haven't even brought my swimmers!
Ooh, no matter! (Laughter)
(Bridal march plays)
Eyah, slut! What, slut? (Sobs)
Should we just get another celebrant?
What's the use? (Sobs)
(Knock at door)
I'll get that. (Sobs)
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now, we come in peace.
We want to talk to you
about something.
(Scoffs)
(Crying)
Cut to the chase, sluts!
How did you find us anyway?
It wasn't hard.
We just asked around if anybody had
seen two depressed Aboriginal sluts.
You leave
quite the slutty, teary trail.
Look, it doesn't matter
how we found you.
What matters
is that we're here with an offer.
What offer?
Well,
seeing that you can't get married
back home in the 'lucky country'
and Ima's
a very good friend of ours,
and can marry us
whenever the hell we want,
we'd like to give up our booking.
You lie.
Quite the opposite, actually.
After you'd both left,
Merv and I decided we've never seen
poorer sluts in all our lives.
(Chuckles)
So here we are.
Do you want it or not?
What do you mean, 'Do we want it'?
Of course we want it!
We didn't fly to New Zealand
to finger ourselves!
Well, then it's yours.
Congratulations.
We hope you have
a happy life together.
You may have to apologise
to Ima though,
for calling her a bandy-legged,
woolly-haired, Beyonce wannabe slut.
You're lucky she let us work it out,
so make sure you say sorry.
Well, since we're in the mood
for doing good deeds
I'd like to make you two an offer.
And, yep, it pretty much shows
what I expected.
Congratulations, you're pregnant.
(Breathes heavily)
OK, so we'll prescribe you
some prenatal vitamins.
(Whooshes through air)
Any questions?
(Lift bell rings)
And again, congratula-...
Ow!
Hey there, Nana.
See you heard the good news.
(Breathes heavily)
# CHEERFUL SYNTH MUSIC
VOICE-OVER: Is your life
going nowhere?
Wake up to yourself!
(Exhales heavily)
My series of books and audio books,
as read by me, Uncle Doctor,
are bound to get you
on the right path.
Best sellers like...
(Gasps)
Order now, ya dumb dog.
# SYNTH MUSIC
(Music skips, distorts)
Call Uncle Doctor to-...
Shutchole!
Uncle Doctor!
Dad.
Yes, son.
Who do I look more like -
you or Mum?
Well, you kind of look more
like your... Uncle Jimmy.
(Whistles)
Yeah.
(Continues whistling)
Yeah.
(Shouting in fear, heavy breathing)
He didn't manage to follow us,
did he?
No, thank god.
We've definitely lost him.
The bastard almost got me
with that carving knife!
Why did we have to split up?
Because they wanted to send
the black guy off to die first!
Dickhead, we're both black.
Yeah, but I'm blacker. That's why
they sent me to die first.
How come you're blacker than me?
Well,
I'm certainly not whiter than you.
You want to do this now?
Oh, bruz, you watch Ellen DeGeneres.
You're about as Aboriginal
as Pad Thai.
Says Terry the Tennis player.
Well, you pronounce your R's!
You have boat insurance!
As a matter of fact,
you got a fuckin' boat!
Argh, your parents
are happily married!
You thought 'shake a leg'
was a seasoning!
You stand up
for the national anthem!
(Both scream)
Oh, God. Oh, God, please!
Don't kill us!
Kill him, he's blacker!
What!?
You're black too!
I'm white, I'm super white.
I play tennis.
I drive a Volvo!
I own a boat! And it's insured!
I... I vote Liberal!
I watch Sky News!
I watch Ellen!
Oh, please, please, please.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Are you guys operating
under the assumption
that I've picked you based on
some cultural or aesthetic reason?
That shit is hurtful!
(Both whimpering)
Racists!
So, Ginny,
I heard it all went down
at bingo the other day.
Oh, you mean with
Jane Arsehole Bitch Kerrigan?
Oh, it went down all right.
That arsehole bitch
got what was coming to her.
Why!? What happened?
Well, you know that deep fork
won the jackpot a few weeks ago?
The one
that wouldn't give you half of it?
Anyway, since she's won the jackpot,
she's been parading her
wrinkled-up, dried-out, saggy fork
around my bingo. Please!
Make me sick!
Oh you haven't heard
the best of it yet!
Oh, what!?
Well,
I was standing in line patiently
to get my jackpot tickets
when that bitch tries to push in.
No! Yes!
And with them group of bitches,
I might add!
Ooh-ah!
Well, I wouldn't have a bar of it.
I told her
to drag her out-of-shape arse
to the back of the line
where it belongs.
You know what that dirty stop-out
had the cheek to say to me?
What!?
That her arse is only out of shape
because my dear old Pete
used to bang it so hard.
(Gasps)
Oh, that was it!
I grabbed that lizard-lipped,
emu-necked, goanna-eyed bitch
by the throat,
and next minute,
we're rolling around on the ground.
You go girl! Oh, I went alright!
She didn't know what to do,
so she started grabbing
them bingo dobbers.
And she started hitting me
in the face with them.
By the time I wrestled them off her,
I looked like I was painted up
for ceremony.
And then what happened?
Well,
I grabbed them dobbers off her,
and I said to her, 'Ooh, hey,
you wanna dob, ay? You deep fork.'
And then I dobbed her
from head to toe.
That bitch looked like
she had the pox.
That was it. They shit themselves.
They packed up that bitch
and they left.
Well, what'd you do then?
I played bingo, of course!
Nothing - and I mean nothing -
comes between me and my bingo.
Ginny. The world
could learn a thing or two from you.
(Bridal march plays)
# DREAMY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
# BRIDAL CHORUS
(Excited chatter)
(Applause)
Woo-hoo. My man, my man, my man!
Mmmmm.
# Me, me, me, me, me.
Look at me now!
# Here comes the one
who's getting married today
# All you gammin jealous bitches
better get out of my way
# 'Cause I've got a man,
and youse ain't got shit
# And if youse haven't married
by now
# You poor bitches
might as well quit. #
(Chuckles)
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to join these two in marriage.
Before I go any further,
is there anyone out there
that does not believe
these two should be getting married?
Look.
Rings!
(Giggles)
(Clears throat)
Mark, do you take Greg
to be your lawful wedded husband?
I do.
And, Greg,
do you take Mark
to be your lawful wedded husband?
What do you think?
I didn't go through shit
for the last few days
just to run away from my man.
(Giggles)
Oh!
The ring is on! The ring is on!
The ring is on!
I now pronounce you
husband and husband.
Tiddas, you may kiss the slut.
(Mutters) Come here, you slut.
(Cheering and applause)
So much for,
'can't even get married'!
So what do we do now?
There's only one thing sluts do
at a time like this!
Can't even dance?
(Gasps) What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
(Laughter)
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut? (All repeat)
# UPBEAT DISCO