Black Comedy (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
Darling, come here.
Darling, look.
We've been invited to a wedding.
Whose?
Your friend, from golf.
Jack, the Aborigine.
Good old Jack!
'Jack and Carol invite you to share
their love...' Blah, blah, blah.
'Two families...'
Blah, blah, blah...
'..on the occasion
of their traditional wedding.'
We've never been to a traditional
Indigenous wedding before.
It'll be fun.
I wonder what we should wear.
Hmm.
Take a glass of champagne,
and enjoy the celebration.
GUEST: Thank you.
Hi. Hi.
Hello. Hi.
Sharon and Darren.
From golf.
A little something
for the newlyweds.
It's a fresh one.
Please, just pop it on the table.
OK.
Just put it down here, darling.
That was awkward.
I told you we should have got
something from the gift registry.
# Theme music
# EERIE SOUNDTRACK
(Echoing laughter, slurping)
(Kookaburra laughs)
(Crow caws, low chatter)
Boys. Charlie.
Hello, Mayor Charlie.
Ah, g'day, Mavis.
You coming to the Town Meeting?
Sure am, Mayor Charlie.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
It's going to be a good one,
got a surprise.
Big announcement to make.
Gonna be a big year for Wandaroorah.
(Kookaburra calls)
(Eerie music continues)
(Flies buzz)
NAIDOC week.
National Aboriginal and Islander Day
Of Observance.
Now, I've been given this
NAIDOC business a lot of thought,
and I reckon we've got to do
something real special.
Like what? ALL: Yeah.
Well, answer me this, Petey.
When was the last time that you saw
an Aborigine in Wandaroorah?
I reckon I might have seen
an Indian once.
Nah, that doesn't count, Petey.
Bernie?
No. Mavis?
Gympie Jim? Any of youse?
(Murmuring)
Exactly.
Now, many of you know
that our founding fathers
were not the most learned mob.
And, in fact, they killed
all the Aborigines around this way.
In fact, all the ways around here.
Now we have to do something
to make up for it.
How we gonna do that, Mayor Charlie?
ALL: Yeah.
This year for NAIDOC Week,
we are gonna do something
real special.
We are gonna get ourselves
some... Aborigines.
(All murmur)
Yeah, but where are they
gonna come from, Mayor Charlie?
How do we get anything
in Wandaroorah, Bernie?
MAN: Oh.
Oh. Oh, no.
We said we weren't gonna do that
no more, Mayor Charlie.
It's been decided, Bernie!
Kenny, you get the boys.
You know what to do.
I reckon this meeting's adjourned.
(Waves lap)
Dad?
Yes, son.
Why do UFOs
only abduct white people?
Because they're easier to spot
in the dark.
Ohh!
Yeah.
Yeah.
(Traditional Chinese music plays)
Eyah, slut! What, slut?
You're looking very sour!
Maybe that's because my man
isn't sweet enough.
Ah!
Don't you put this back on me!
I know you're up to something.
Like what?
I don't know, organising budhoo.
(Gasps) That's a lie! Is it?
You've been very secretive lately.
Plus... (Sniffles)
I know you're ashamed of me. (Sobs)
What's that supposed to mean?
Can't even introduce me
to your family!
Well, what's this, then, slut?
This my mummy!
(Gasps) Well, what's this, then,
slut? This is my mother!
Well, what's this, then, slut?
This my bala!
Well, what's this, then, slut?
This is my brother!
Well, this is my aunty!
(Gasps)
What's this, then, slut?
This is my aunty!
(Gasps)
This is my uncle, slut.
Well, this is my grandmother, slut.
This is my nephew, slut.
This is my niece, slut.
Well, this is my step-daddy, slut.
Well, this is my cousin-brother
boy's sista-girl, slut!
Ah!
(Child cries)
Shut that kid up! (Gasps)
Can't even say yes.
Y-Ye...
But... we're in Australia.
Can't even get married!
What's this, then, slut?
New Zealand.
(Gasps) Well, what's this, then,
slut?
Yes! (Laughs)
(Applause)
Give it here!
Yes!
(Laughter and clapping continues)
(Bridal March plays)
ALL: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Want a sip?
BINGO CALLER: Legs 11!
Come on, I won't tell Aunty.
(Clattering)
Bingo.
How good is this holiday gonna be?
Tell me about it, babe.
We've been through a lot
these last six months.
True, eh?
This break's gonna do us
a world of good.
And when it's over,
you can start teaching,
we can start that family
we've been talking about.
Ha-ha! One boy. One girl.
You said it, babe. (Both laugh)
(Multiple bangs, tyres squeal)
What was that?!
I don't know.
Think we've blown a tyre.
Ah, bloody hell!
I've got no reception.
Where are we? I don't know.
But there was a sign back there
that said Wanda...
Wandaroorah.
Who are you? I'm Mayor Charlie,
and you are our special guests.
Our? What do you mean 'our'?
Our. Kenny!
Petey!
And I advise you not to run.
The fellas here,
they're really keen to meet you.
So, have you ever been in a car
with a black man before?
Ah, no.
Why not?
Oh, no reason.
There's always a reason.
Well, I suppose
I don't really know one... any.
You don't know any,
or just don't want to know any?
No, I do want to know.
Maybe we don't want to know you.
Do you ever think about that?
Yeah.
No, um... Now.
What's the first thing you do
when you get into a car?
Buckle up.
You telling me I should buckle up?
Ah...
You think
I haven't been in a car before?
You think I don't know
how to do my job?
Of... of course not.
Sorry.
You ain't got no clipboard...
..you ain't got no badge...
..and you sure as hell
ain't got no pen. Now hurry up.
Uh, hu-hurry up and do what?
Buckle up. OK.
You buckled up?
You buckled up good?
Yeah. Good.
Now take it off.
What? Your seatbelt.
Time's up. Get out of the car.
(Hammering)
And thanks to the traditional owners
of the land, the Muttiwingal people,
I now declare this...
There's no name on here!
(Siren blares)
(Keypad beeps, phone rings)
It's finally happened.
We need to get the board together.
Now.
The reason I've called you all in
for this emergency meeting
of the Department
of Aboriginal Names
is because the inevitable
has finally happened.
We have officially run out
of Aboriginal names.
But we have four housing projects,
three bridges
and a community hall to name
by the end of the day!
Everybody, calm down.
We've been well aware that
this would happen for some time now.
The Department of Aboriginal Names
was founded in 1983
at the height
of the Aboriginal Naming boom
when, in the name of reconciliation,
everything suddenly needed
an Aboriginal name
and we've been naming everything
ever since.
Yes, we know all this.
Then you would also know
the Aboriginal language
is not a renewable resource
and today, gentlemen...
..well, today we ran dry.
So what the hell
are you doing about it, Jordana?
Let me introduce you to Plan B.
I give you... the Namer 3000,
the future of Aboriginal naming.
What does it do?
The Namer 3000 was developed
by the best coders and linguists
this country has to offer.
It uses a special algorithm
to come up with the perfect-sounding
Aboriginal name.
Well, what's the problem, then?
There's a glitch in the software.
See, whilst we've been able
to perfect the naming function,
the meaning function
isn't quite there yet.
Well, what's the good of a name
without a meaning?
You build a park,
you give it a name... with a meaning.
You put it on a plaque,
you have an opening ceremony
and everybody's... fucking... happy.
No meaning, no happy.
Oh, I know.
Which is why I've assembled
the country's foremost team
of crack meaning givers.
I give you Serena.
She specialises in historical people
and events.
The next is Jimmy,
who knows everything
there is to know about land.
And finally, I give you Dolton.
They call him The Magician,
because he can make nothing
into something out of thin air.
They look like kids.
Let me prove you wrong.
(Static whirrs)
'Bridge-amatta-naragah'.
Go.
Bridga - that's sunrise.
The sun rising. Morning.
And 'matta'. Matta is river.
So Bridga-matta -
Morning sun rising over river.
Then 'narragah', crazy.
And in many languages,
the order is inverted.
So we have it, Bridga-matta-narragah,
morning sun rising
over crazy flowing river.
It's genius. It's our last hope.
This ragtag group of rebels
is gonna save this department.
And save us all.
(Claps rhythmically)
And thanks to the traditional owners
of the land, the Muttiwingal people,
I now declare this the
'Mittiga ngarra mayra wimbi wimbi
junjijar walla walla
weama ma-ma Park'.
(Applause)
Meaning 'meeting place
of the young and old
where the spring breeze
is only surpassed
by the adequate seating and shade
and excellent parking facilities'
park.
(Applause)
(Phone rings)
Welcome to Black On Track,
this is Jessie. How can I help you?
CALLER:
Yeah, I'm looking for Jonathan.
Jonathan?
Yeah! Jonathan! Jonathan!
What's wrong with you mob?
You wanna open up your binna
and listen, eh!
I'm sorry but we don't have
a Jonathan that works here.
What do you mean,
you don't have a Jonathan there?
Um, I mean we don't have a Jonathan
that works here.
Eh, you sure? I know what
you idiot office workers are like.
Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Well, who are you mob
that I've rung?
We're Black On Track. We're
a training and educational facility.
Oh! Well, I don't want you idiots.
I'm after them other mob.
What their name again?
Um, I don't know, unfortunately,
but do you know Jonathan's last name?
Maybe I can find out where he works.
Why would I know his last name for?
Why should I know that?
What's wrong with you mob?
You work or what?
Well, I'm talking to you, aren't I?
What'd you say?
I said I'm talking to you, aren't I?
Hey, you better not be getting
cheeky with me!
Well, you could talk
a little bit more nicely to me.
I don't have to talk nice to you.
Who you think you are?
You don't wanna get cheeky with me!
Eyah!
You don't wanna get cheeky with me!
What kind of idiot
gonna ring up somewhere
looking for someone they don't even
know their last name,
trying to get me to think of them.
Think I don't have better things
to do than to put up
with your cracked-up, no-memory,
can't-think-of-shit arse?
Why don't you go
and take your wasting my time hole
and park that shit somewhere,
think about who you want to call
AND where they work,
then you can go annoy
some other poor black,
instead of ringing me up
with your psycho shit.
Now, was that cheeky enough for you?
(Sighs)
(Phone rings)
Welcome to Black On Track.
This is Jessie.
How can I help you?
So, is Jonathan there or what?
ALL (Chanting): # N-A-I-D-O-C
# Here are our Aborigines
# One for you, one for me
# We all love Aborigines. #
KYLIE: What are they going to do
to us?
I don't know, babe.
We gotta get out of here.
I know. I know. And we will.
Hello! Hello. Hello!
Hey, Bernie, you got the humpy?
Oh, yeah, Charlie.
And the costumes, Mavis?
Just like in the book,
Mayor Charlie.
Just like you asked.
Good on you, Mavis. Good.
This will be best goddamn NAIDOC Week
Wandaroorah has ever seen!
(Cheering)
Ready?
ALL: # N-A-I-D-O-C
# Here are our Aborigines.
# One for you, one for me
# We all love... #
(Beeping)
(Beeping)
Bloody machine. Took my money.
Well, now you know
how Aboriginal people feel.
(Bang!)
Ailinga! Ailinga!
AILINGA: (English accent)
Oi! Oi, you lot!
What you doin', you lot?
What you doin'?
What you mean is it me?
Of course it's me!
Ailinga. Ailinga.
I don't get it.
(Laughter)
Did you just call me fat?
That's well rude, that is.
I was kidnapped, I was. Kidnapped.
Then I come back here
and you all are proper rude,
calling me all 'white', like,
and 'fat', like.
Why I even bother escapin'? Why?
What? What you all starin' at me for?
You all lookin' at me
like I'm proper bothered,
like something proper wrong!
It's well rude, innit?
It's a bit awkward, innit?
Look, what I don't understand is,
and I ain't bein' funny or nothin',
but I'm back.
So why aren't we
getting PROPER MORTAL!
(Laughter)
Come on! It's me, Ailinga!
I escaped from the white people.
Come on, get mental. Come on!
(Waves lap)
Dad?
Yes, son.
You know how 'abnormal' means
something that isn't normal?
Yes, son.
Well, doesn't that mean...
Aboriginals should just be
called Originals?
I guess so.
And anyone who isn't Original
is an AB-Original?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
# EERIE MUSIC
Hello, Wandaroorah! (All cheer)
You all know that I promised you
something really special this year,
and here it is!
Let's have a big Wandaroorah welcome
to the King and Queen
of NAIDOC Week!
(Cheering)
And now, let's present them
with their crowns.
This way, kids.
Aww!
Oh, there.
I now pronounce you King and Queen
of NAIDOC!
(Cheering)
And tonight, we'll dance and sing
and eat our traditional
Aboriginal feast!
(Cheering)
What does he mean,
'traditional Aboriginal feast'?
I don't know, babe.
He means traditional Aboriginal food,
doesn't he?
Doesn't he? (Whimpers)
He does mean that we're gonna eat
traditional Aboriginal food,
doesn't he?
No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
NO! Heh-heh!
No, no, no. (Laughs)
(Cheering)
I think they're gonna... What?
No, it doesn't matter.
Now dance, Aborigines!
Dance your dance of welcome!
Come on.
Babe, we gotta get out of here,
right? OK.
On my signal, we run.
(Cheering)
Follow my lead. Here we go.
Two step.
Here we go. (Pants)
Oh, yeah.
Let's go, spin.
Spin.
(Kylie whimpers)
One of us has got to
get out of here. Alright?
No, Kevin, no.
Kylie, otherwise
two of us is going to die here.
(Hisses)
Kylie, I want you to live.
Live a long life.
Remember, one boy... One girl.
One girl.
(Whimpers)
Kevin, if you're not gonna...
who's gonna?
I don't wanna know, Kylie!
(Sobs)
Alright. On my signal,
you run, baby.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Kylie, RUN!
(Screams)
Run, Kylie! Run! (Shouting)
Yeah! Run, Kylie!
(Pants)
Oh!
Babe?
Are you awake? Mm, yeah.
I had the worst dream.
No, it was a nightmare.
We was on holidays and we were
driving in the countryside...
..and our car broke down.
And we were kidnapped
by these whitefellas.
They wanted to take us to be part
of their NAIDOC Week.
Oh, baby, it was terrible.
Then they wanted to eat us.
They took us to this town,
it was called...
Wandaroorah.
Babe, how'd you know?
It's not a dream.
What?
Look.
Noooooooo!
(Sobs)
What?
What you all staring at me for?
You were staring at me
like you want to go me.
Because it's lookin' like
you wanna go me, it is.
Go on, have a crack!
Have a crack. Go on! Go on!
Not so funny now, innit?
Darling, look.
We've been invited to a wedding.
Whose?
Your friend, from golf.
Jack, the Aborigine.
Good old Jack!
'Jack and Carol invite you to share
their love...' Blah, blah, blah.
'Two families...'
Blah, blah, blah...
'..on the occasion
of their traditional wedding.'
We've never been to a traditional
Indigenous wedding before.
It'll be fun.
I wonder what we should wear.
Hmm.
Take a glass of champagne,
and enjoy the celebration.
GUEST: Thank you.
Hi. Hi.
Hello. Hi.
Sharon and Darren.
From golf.
A little something
for the newlyweds.
It's a fresh one.
Please, just pop it on the table.
OK.
Just put it down here, darling.
That was awkward.
I told you we should have got
something from the gift registry.
# Theme music
# EERIE SOUNDTRACK
(Echoing laughter, slurping)
(Kookaburra laughs)
(Crow caws, low chatter)
Boys. Charlie.
Hello, Mayor Charlie.
Ah, g'day, Mavis.
You coming to the Town Meeting?
Sure am, Mayor Charlie.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
It's going to be a good one,
got a surprise.
Big announcement to make.
Gonna be a big year for Wandaroorah.
(Kookaburra calls)
(Eerie music continues)
(Flies buzz)
NAIDOC week.
National Aboriginal and Islander Day
Of Observance.
Now, I've been given this
NAIDOC business a lot of thought,
and I reckon we've got to do
something real special.
Like what? ALL: Yeah.
Well, answer me this, Petey.
When was the last time that you saw
an Aborigine in Wandaroorah?
I reckon I might have seen
an Indian once.
Nah, that doesn't count, Petey.
Bernie?
No. Mavis?
Gympie Jim? Any of youse?
(Murmuring)
Exactly.
Now, many of you know
that our founding fathers
were not the most learned mob.
And, in fact, they killed
all the Aborigines around this way.
In fact, all the ways around here.
Now we have to do something
to make up for it.
How we gonna do that, Mayor Charlie?
ALL: Yeah.
This year for NAIDOC Week,
we are gonna do something
real special.
We are gonna get ourselves
some... Aborigines.
(All murmur)
Yeah, but where are they
gonna come from, Mayor Charlie?
How do we get anything
in Wandaroorah, Bernie?
MAN: Oh.
Oh. Oh, no.
We said we weren't gonna do that
no more, Mayor Charlie.
It's been decided, Bernie!
Kenny, you get the boys.
You know what to do.
I reckon this meeting's adjourned.
(Waves lap)
Dad?
Yes, son.
Why do UFOs
only abduct white people?
Because they're easier to spot
in the dark.
Ohh!
Yeah.
Yeah.
(Traditional Chinese music plays)
Eyah, slut! What, slut?
You're looking very sour!
Maybe that's because my man
isn't sweet enough.
Ah!
Don't you put this back on me!
I know you're up to something.
Like what?
I don't know, organising budhoo.
(Gasps) That's a lie! Is it?
You've been very secretive lately.
Plus... (Sniffles)
I know you're ashamed of me. (Sobs)
What's that supposed to mean?
Can't even introduce me
to your family!
Well, what's this, then, slut?
This my mummy!
(Gasps) Well, what's this, then,
slut? This is my mother!
Well, what's this, then, slut?
This my bala!
Well, what's this, then, slut?
This is my brother!
Well, this is my aunty!
(Gasps)
What's this, then, slut?
This is my aunty!
(Gasps)
This is my uncle, slut.
Well, this is my grandmother, slut.
This is my nephew, slut.
This is my niece, slut.
Well, this is my step-daddy, slut.
Well, this is my cousin-brother
boy's sista-girl, slut!
Ah!
(Child cries)
Shut that kid up! (Gasps)
Can't even say yes.
Y-Ye...
But... we're in Australia.
Can't even get married!
What's this, then, slut?
New Zealand.
(Gasps) Well, what's this, then,
slut?
Yes! (Laughs)
(Applause)
Give it here!
Yes!
(Laughter and clapping continues)
(Bridal March plays)
ALL: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Want a sip?
BINGO CALLER: Legs 11!
Come on, I won't tell Aunty.
(Clattering)
Bingo.
How good is this holiday gonna be?
Tell me about it, babe.
We've been through a lot
these last six months.
True, eh?
This break's gonna do us
a world of good.
And when it's over,
you can start teaching,
we can start that family
we've been talking about.
Ha-ha! One boy. One girl.
You said it, babe. (Both laugh)
(Multiple bangs, tyres squeal)
What was that?!
I don't know.
Think we've blown a tyre.
Ah, bloody hell!
I've got no reception.
Where are we? I don't know.
But there was a sign back there
that said Wanda...
Wandaroorah.
Who are you? I'm Mayor Charlie,
and you are our special guests.
Our? What do you mean 'our'?
Our. Kenny!
Petey!
And I advise you not to run.
The fellas here,
they're really keen to meet you.
So, have you ever been in a car
with a black man before?
Ah, no.
Why not?
Oh, no reason.
There's always a reason.
Well, I suppose
I don't really know one... any.
You don't know any,
or just don't want to know any?
No, I do want to know.
Maybe we don't want to know you.
Do you ever think about that?
Yeah.
No, um... Now.
What's the first thing you do
when you get into a car?
Buckle up.
You telling me I should buckle up?
Ah...
You think
I haven't been in a car before?
You think I don't know
how to do my job?
Of... of course not.
Sorry.
You ain't got no clipboard...
..you ain't got no badge...
..and you sure as hell
ain't got no pen. Now hurry up.
Uh, hu-hurry up and do what?
Buckle up. OK.
You buckled up?
You buckled up good?
Yeah. Good.
Now take it off.
What? Your seatbelt.
Time's up. Get out of the car.
(Hammering)
And thanks to the traditional owners
of the land, the Muttiwingal people,
I now declare this...
There's no name on here!
(Siren blares)
(Keypad beeps, phone rings)
It's finally happened.
We need to get the board together.
Now.
The reason I've called you all in
for this emergency meeting
of the Department
of Aboriginal Names
is because the inevitable
has finally happened.
We have officially run out
of Aboriginal names.
But we have four housing projects,
three bridges
and a community hall to name
by the end of the day!
Everybody, calm down.
We've been well aware that
this would happen for some time now.
The Department of Aboriginal Names
was founded in 1983
at the height
of the Aboriginal Naming boom
when, in the name of reconciliation,
everything suddenly needed
an Aboriginal name
and we've been naming everything
ever since.
Yes, we know all this.
Then you would also know
the Aboriginal language
is not a renewable resource
and today, gentlemen...
..well, today we ran dry.
So what the hell
are you doing about it, Jordana?
Let me introduce you to Plan B.
I give you... the Namer 3000,
the future of Aboriginal naming.
What does it do?
The Namer 3000 was developed
by the best coders and linguists
this country has to offer.
It uses a special algorithm
to come up with the perfect-sounding
Aboriginal name.
Well, what's the problem, then?
There's a glitch in the software.
See, whilst we've been able
to perfect the naming function,
the meaning function
isn't quite there yet.
Well, what's the good of a name
without a meaning?
You build a park,
you give it a name... with a meaning.
You put it on a plaque,
you have an opening ceremony
and everybody's... fucking... happy.
No meaning, no happy.
Oh, I know.
Which is why I've assembled
the country's foremost team
of crack meaning givers.
I give you Serena.
She specialises in historical people
and events.
The next is Jimmy,
who knows everything
there is to know about land.
And finally, I give you Dolton.
They call him The Magician,
because he can make nothing
into something out of thin air.
They look like kids.
Let me prove you wrong.
(Static whirrs)
'Bridge-amatta-naragah'.
Go.
Bridga - that's sunrise.
The sun rising. Morning.
And 'matta'. Matta is river.
So Bridga-matta -
Morning sun rising over river.
Then 'narragah', crazy.
And in many languages,
the order is inverted.
So we have it, Bridga-matta-narragah,
morning sun rising
over crazy flowing river.
It's genius. It's our last hope.
This ragtag group of rebels
is gonna save this department.
And save us all.
(Claps rhythmically)
And thanks to the traditional owners
of the land, the Muttiwingal people,
I now declare this the
'Mittiga ngarra mayra wimbi wimbi
junjijar walla walla
weama ma-ma Park'.
(Applause)
Meaning 'meeting place
of the young and old
where the spring breeze
is only surpassed
by the adequate seating and shade
and excellent parking facilities'
park.
(Applause)
(Phone rings)
Welcome to Black On Track,
this is Jessie. How can I help you?
CALLER:
Yeah, I'm looking for Jonathan.
Jonathan?
Yeah! Jonathan! Jonathan!
What's wrong with you mob?
You wanna open up your binna
and listen, eh!
I'm sorry but we don't have
a Jonathan that works here.
What do you mean,
you don't have a Jonathan there?
Um, I mean we don't have a Jonathan
that works here.
Eh, you sure? I know what
you idiot office workers are like.
Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Well, who are you mob
that I've rung?
We're Black On Track. We're
a training and educational facility.
Oh! Well, I don't want you idiots.
I'm after them other mob.
What their name again?
Um, I don't know, unfortunately,
but do you know Jonathan's last name?
Maybe I can find out where he works.
Why would I know his last name for?
Why should I know that?
What's wrong with you mob?
You work or what?
Well, I'm talking to you, aren't I?
What'd you say?
I said I'm talking to you, aren't I?
Hey, you better not be getting
cheeky with me!
Well, you could talk
a little bit more nicely to me.
I don't have to talk nice to you.
Who you think you are?
You don't wanna get cheeky with me!
Eyah!
You don't wanna get cheeky with me!
What kind of idiot
gonna ring up somewhere
looking for someone they don't even
know their last name,
trying to get me to think of them.
Think I don't have better things
to do than to put up
with your cracked-up, no-memory,
can't-think-of-shit arse?
Why don't you go
and take your wasting my time hole
and park that shit somewhere,
think about who you want to call
AND where they work,
then you can go annoy
some other poor black,
instead of ringing me up
with your psycho shit.
Now, was that cheeky enough for you?
(Sighs)
(Phone rings)
Welcome to Black On Track.
This is Jessie.
How can I help you?
So, is Jonathan there or what?
ALL (Chanting): # N-A-I-D-O-C
# Here are our Aborigines
# One for you, one for me
# We all love Aborigines. #
KYLIE: What are they going to do
to us?
I don't know, babe.
We gotta get out of here.
I know. I know. And we will.
Hello! Hello. Hello!
Hey, Bernie, you got the humpy?
Oh, yeah, Charlie.
And the costumes, Mavis?
Just like in the book,
Mayor Charlie.
Just like you asked.
Good on you, Mavis. Good.
This will be best goddamn NAIDOC Week
Wandaroorah has ever seen!
(Cheering)
Ready?
ALL: # N-A-I-D-O-C
# Here are our Aborigines.
# One for you, one for me
# We all love... #
(Beeping)
(Beeping)
Bloody machine. Took my money.
Well, now you know
how Aboriginal people feel.
(Bang!)
Ailinga! Ailinga!
AILINGA: (English accent)
Oi! Oi, you lot!
What you doin', you lot?
What you doin'?
What you mean is it me?
Of course it's me!
Ailinga. Ailinga.
I don't get it.
(Laughter)
Did you just call me fat?
That's well rude, that is.
I was kidnapped, I was. Kidnapped.
Then I come back here
and you all are proper rude,
calling me all 'white', like,
and 'fat', like.
Why I even bother escapin'? Why?
What? What you all starin' at me for?
You all lookin' at me
like I'm proper bothered,
like something proper wrong!
It's well rude, innit?
It's a bit awkward, innit?
Look, what I don't understand is,
and I ain't bein' funny or nothin',
but I'm back.
So why aren't we
getting PROPER MORTAL!
(Laughter)
Come on! It's me, Ailinga!
I escaped from the white people.
Come on, get mental. Come on!
(Waves lap)
Dad?
Yes, son.
You know how 'abnormal' means
something that isn't normal?
Yes, son.
Well, doesn't that mean...
Aboriginals should just be
called Originals?
I guess so.
And anyone who isn't Original
is an AB-Original?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
# EERIE MUSIC
Hello, Wandaroorah! (All cheer)
You all know that I promised you
something really special this year,
and here it is!
Let's have a big Wandaroorah welcome
to the King and Queen
of NAIDOC Week!
(Cheering)
And now, let's present them
with their crowns.
This way, kids.
Aww!
Oh, there.
I now pronounce you King and Queen
of NAIDOC!
(Cheering)
And tonight, we'll dance and sing
and eat our traditional
Aboriginal feast!
(Cheering)
What does he mean,
'traditional Aboriginal feast'?
I don't know, babe.
He means traditional Aboriginal food,
doesn't he?
Doesn't he? (Whimpers)
He does mean that we're gonna eat
traditional Aboriginal food,
doesn't he?
No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
NO! Heh-heh!
No, no, no. (Laughs)
(Cheering)
I think they're gonna... What?
No, it doesn't matter.
Now dance, Aborigines!
Dance your dance of welcome!
Come on.
Babe, we gotta get out of here,
right? OK.
On my signal, we run.
(Cheering)
Follow my lead. Here we go.
Two step.
Here we go. (Pants)
Oh, yeah.
Let's go, spin.
Spin.
(Kylie whimpers)
One of us has got to
get out of here. Alright?
No, Kevin, no.
Kylie, otherwise
two of us is going to die here.
(Hisses)
Kylie, I want you to live.
Live a long life.
Remember, one boy... One girl.
One girl.
(Whimpers)
Kevin, if you're not gonna...
who's gonna?
I don't wanna know, Kylie!
(Sobs)
Alright. On my signal,
you run, baby.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Kylie, RUN!
(Screams)
Run, Kylie! Run! (Shouting)
Yeah! Run, Kylie!
(Pants)
Oh!
Babe?
Are you awake? Mm, yeah.
I had the worst dream.
No, it was a nightmare.
We was on holidays and we were
driving in the countryside...
..and our car broke down.
And we were kidnapped
by these whitefellas.
They wanted to take us to be part
of their NAIDOC Week.
Oh, baby, it was terrible.
Then they wanted to eat us.
They took us to this town,
it was called...
Wandaroorah.
Babe, how'd you know?
It's not a dream.
What?
Look.
Noooooooo!
(Sobs)
What?
What you all staring at me for?
You were staring at me
like you want to go me.
Because it's lookin' like
you wanna go me, it is.
Go on, have a crack!
Have a crack. Go on! Go on!
Not so funny now, innit?