Black Comedy (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
What do we want?
ALL: Reconciliation!
When do we want it? ALL: Now!
What do we want?
ALL: Reconciliation!
When do we want it? ALL: Now!
What do we want?
ALL: Reconciliation!
When do we want it? ALL: Now!
What do we want?
ALL: Reconciliation!
When do we want it? ALL: Now!
What... Hey, hey... wait, wait!
Wait! Um... what do we want?
ALL: Reconciliation!
What happened to land rights?
(Crowd mumbles)
Whose idea was it
for reconciliation anyway?
(Crowd murmurs)
Eh, who's in charge here?
(Crowd murmurs)
I think we need to go home
and think about it, eh?
When? Now!
What do we want?
ALL: Go home and think about it!
When do we want it? ALL: Now!
# Theme music
We've identified the final target -
Daniel Gordon -
colonised, assimilated,
caught in the cycle
of Western oppression.
Jems? Marcy.
As well as being
a government lackey,
working for the public sector,
Daniel Gordon has degraded himself
by submitting to recreational
cross-breeding dash relations
with a Caucasian woman.
Gary?
Um, I thought we weren't
supposed to use our real names.
Oh, God, Gary. Seriously.
I thought we were getting codenames.
Gary!
Alright, let's rock and roll.
ALL: ALF!
He's running late -
he should've been here at 08:00.
What is it now?
08:00 and 50 or is that...?
..is that 10 to 100?
Or is that 08:00 and a half...
Target identified,
target identified!
Gary, why aren't you getting him?
He looks big!
You had one job, Gary, one job!
Get out there!
Come on, Jems! Me?
Yes! Let's go get him.
Freedom awaits you!
Freedom! Go! Go!
Please don't kill me!
I've got kids.
Please don't hurt us!
Take my wallet -
it's all the money I've got.
You can have a car. It's a Lexus.
Brand new and...
Hush, sweet natives. Shh, shh...
It's for your own good.
We are the Aboriginal
Liberation Front.
We are your kin in white skin,
born from the same
mother earth land serpent, Gaia.
We were sent here to save you!
Welcome... to your Garden of Eden.
(Bird calls from bushes)
Yes, yes, that's it.
Let the tears of Gaia cleanse you.
Let it free you from
the colonial shackles of oppression.
Deassimilate! Decolonise!
(Shouts) You are FREE!
Rape... rape... help!
They're gonna rape us!
(Screams) Is this a hate crime?
No, this is a love crime.
Oh, God, they are gonna rape us!
These are the essentials
you will need.
Lap-laps...
(Panting fearfully) Ochre...
..and a spear.
Everything else you need
is all around you.
It's in your blood.
It's in here.
Welcome home.
ALL: ALF!
Wait! I've got a booking
at Rockpool tonight!
Who's going to feed my cats?
How will I charge my phone?
Ehya... Turn on!
(Gasps)
(Dramatic super hero music)
Deadly, Dave.
I joined OK Cupid
to meet that special someone.
I chose the screen name
'cute&sassy4u'.
I just thought that summed me up
pretty well.
So, they had this section
called My Details, you know,
like your age, sex, height,
body type, star sign -
I'm Virgo, just FYI -
that kind of stuff.
And then they had
an ethnicity box.
So, I go to tick Aboriginal
but there is no Aboriginal box.
There's Native American, Asian,
Indian, Pacific Islander and White
and whatevs, but no Aboriginal box.
I had to tick 'Other'.
Other...
like, what's an 'other'?
Like, I'm meant to be meeting
the love of my life
and I'm on there as 'other'!
Like, what does that even mean?
It was just really, it was really
confronting and racist, you know?
It kind of grew
into this big grass roots campaign.
There were protests
all over the world.
It grew legs and we were running.
It was time, you know?
Time for change.
It was, like, Kevin 07
and Gough Whitlam on steroids.
It was bigger than KONY.
It was everyday people saying,
'We can make a difference.'
And it really meant something,
you know?
It was something bigger
than all of us.
We are Koori!
(Crowd shouts unclearly)
We are Koori! (Crowd shouts)
INTERVIEWER: What ended up
happening?
Well, OK Cupid listened.
They added the 'Aboriginal
and/or Torres Strait Islander' box.
They added it.
I can still remember that morning.
I logged onto my profile.
I clicked on my details
and I clicked the box I belonged in.
After everything
my people had gone through,
the Stolen Generation, land claims,
native title, equal rights
and here I was, ticking the box
I belonged in -
the 'Aboriginal and/or
Torres Strait Islander' box
on OK Cupid.
It really meant something.
Did I meet someone special?
Yeah. No, I didn't.
Still single.
What happened?
Well... as soon as I ticked
that Aboriginal box,
people stopped messaging me.
So, I had to untick it.
But that's my right, so...
Innkeeper.
OK, you don't need to...
Innkeeper,
we have need of a room for the night.
We've travelled many miles
and my wife is heavy with child.
Yes, mate, absolutely no worr...
Well, the thing is,
we are actually full - no vacancy.
I didn't see a No Vacancy sign
around the front.
Funny that, I meant to put one up.
It's been that sort of a day.
Just didn't get around to it
but we are full.
So, you're full? Yep.
You've got no available rooms?
Nope.
You think I don't know
what's going on here?
You know, I heard things
about Bethlehem, man.
Don't know what you mean.
I'll give you a clue.
It starts with R.
Ritual floggings?
Racism, dickhead!
Oh, come on, mate - you're barking
up the wrong date palm.
We're all Israelites here.
Yeah, but there's Israelites
and Israelites - know what I mean?
Mate, Herod's in town,
Pontius Pilate's just rocked up
with his entourage
and his hangers-on.
It's the Festival
Of The Unleavened Bread.
Very busy time here in Bethlehem.
Come on, Joseph, let's go.
Let's not make a scene.
Not make a scene? Yes.
It's zero BC, for God's sake.
Our elders didn't fight
the Canaanites, the Philistines
and the Romans
for all this bullshit to continue.
Alright, I've got a stable out back.
That's the best I can do.
A stable! We're not animals.
Let's just take it, please.
Alright, we'll take it,
but you know what tomorrow is?
What?
AD. You know what that stands for?
After Discrimination.
After... Discrimination.
OK, OK, you've made your point.
OK, thank you.
(Animal noises)
See, what'd I tell you, Mary.
We shoulda went straight
to Jerusalem. Bethlehem is racist.
Everyone, this is Kevin.
Hi, Kevin. Hi, Kevin.
Hey, how are youse?
Wait. Wait.
Isn't Kevin his slave name?
Yeah, good point.
What is your skin name,
native brother?
Skin name?
Soaring Jabiru -
because he fly high
and we are
the wind beneath his wings.
Yeah, look, Kevin's fine.
I thought...
Kevin is a teacher -
he's going to be a great asset
in providing insight
into Aboriginal knowledge
so that we can infiltrate their nests
and deprogram them from the system.
Look, I think there's
a bit of a misunderstanding.
We have a video!
Gary, show him the video.
ALL: ALF.
ALF. Three words.
Aboriginal. Liberation. Front.
We believe in the freedom
and equality of all people - how?
Five-step process -
Profile. Target. Capture.
Relocate. Release.
It's that easy. ALL: ALF.
So, what do you think?
Yeah, look, I thought we were here
because you had an educational
program for Indigenous children.
This is an educational program,
Soaring Jabiru!
Don't call me that.
I mean, it's weird, it's racist.
Call me Kevin or Kevo or Kev.
Don't be ridiculous,
Soaring Jabiru.
We are your brothers and sisters!
Children of mother earth, Gaia!
ALL: This is our dreamtime.
This is our dreamtime.
This is our Dreamtime.
This is our Dreamtime.
Oh, man, you guys are crazy.
I got no time for this.
Wait! I don't think
think you understand, Soaring Jabiru.
You are either with us or against us.
So, what's it going to be, cowboy?
WOMAN: Marcy, are your friends
staying for dinner?
Mum! Knock!
Darling, are they staying
for dinner?
Mum, get out! Close the door!
Get out now! Mum, go!
This is ridiculous.
(Shouts) What's for dinner,
Mrs Miller?
What? What's for dinner?
Lamb and tzatziki. What?
OK, now this is ridiculous.
I said lamb and tzat-
(Mouths words)
What's going on here?
What on earth have you got...?
You'll never get away with this!
Run, run like the wind,
you beautiful son of a bitch.
Was he Aboriginal?
Watch where you're going,
ya dopey bastard!
Sorry, mate.
I didn't see you there.
What, you an idiot or something?
You looking for trouble?
Not at all.
Here, let me buy you another beer.
I don't want a beer
touched by your filthy black hand.
Now, mate, I'm trying to be patient,
but you're pushing things
a bit too far.
Why? What are you going
to do about it?
Do you want a go, mate?
Oh, you going to come at me
with that Crouching Tiger,
Hidden Dragon shit?
Brother, you don't know
what you're in for.
Welcome to Bouncing Wallaby.
Huh? Yeah? Yeah?
You want some of that? Huh?
You wanna get your arse bounced?
That's what's going to happen.
Or maybe you want some
Crawling Goanna?
Yeah? Yeah?
Want some Crawling Goanna?
Want some of that? Huh? Huh?
Or maybe you want
Biting Tasmanian Devil.
Pecking Emu!
Oh, my back.
(Groans)
See how they go?
I just mopped that stinking floor.
What they think this is?
A playground!
No playground here!
What's she still hanging around
here for, parading?
You know she mad for singing
in the toilet, eh?
She singing up like a cat on heat.
Go out and get a job
or something.
I'm telling you now, she's lucky
that manager's half deaf
or she'd be out, look - shop shut!
Singing up in there
like she can carry a note.
She can't carry a note,
she's off key.
No-one wants her.
Sure she's stealing that air
freshener too, from in that toilet.
They'll be looking
for matches soon, to burn them fumes.
Oh, they're not going to like that.
Wild gins, they are.
WOMAN: Hi, Mavis.
Hey, how you going?
Hey, was that you singing up there?
Yes.
Gee, you got a deadly voice.
You big gee-whiz!
Pillia Mittigar, children.
Today I'm going to tell you
the story of How Fire Was Made.
In the Dreamtime,
a long, long time ago,
there was a family of koalas -
Daddy Koala, Mummy Koala
and Baby Koala.
We'll call him Eli.
They all lived together
in a big gum tree,
high in the sky, so they could speak
to their ancestors.
They spent their days
eating eucalyptus leaves,
sleeping and giving furry koala hugs.
They were very happy.
Then one day Daddy Koala left.
Left Mummy Koala and Eli
all on their own.
Shows what kind of a man
Daddy Koala was.
Daddy went
and lived with his secretary,
Kelly the Kookaburra.
Kelly the Kookaburra, with her
annoying smile and ratchet laugh.
Kelly the Kookaburra,
a real basic bitch.
Mummy Koala and Eli
had to go to a gum tree refuge
with other mummy koalas
and their children.
She started thinking
about Daddy Koala,
laughing away with Kelly,
the Kookaburra in the new car,
doing filthy things, and she got mad.
Mummy Koala called on her ancestors
and they told her exactly what to do.
She got a glass bottle,
filled it with petrol
and stuffed a rag in the top
and went to Daddy Koala's gum tree.
When she got there,
her ancestors opened up the sky
and a ray of sun came down
and touched the rag.
Bright flames appeared.
Mummy Koala gave the bottle to Eli
and told him to throw it
high into the sky
because the bush police
had her fingerprints on file
due to this thing, that one time.
Eli threw the bottle
with all his might
and it hit the tree
and it went up in flames!
Daddy Koala
and Kelly the Kookaburra
were in the tree making a special
video tape when the bottle hit.
They had to be airlifted
to intensive care
with third degree burns.
Who's laughing now?
Mummy Koala and Eli
lived happily ever after
and they didn't have to play
another game of Throw the Bottle
for a very long time.
And that, children, is the dreamtime
story of How Fire was Made.
You and your son talking yet?
What son? Oooh-ah!
Nah, true.
I've disowned him, I have.
He keeps taking
that Evans girl's side every time.
Why, what happened?
Well, you know me.
I don't hold grudges against anyone.
So, after that lotto fiasco,
I went around and make amends.
Is that after your car
shat itself?
Yeah, after that.
So, anyway, I get into the cab
and I go around there
and they're real funny with me
from the go get.
They wouldn't pay my cab.
Well, how much was the fare?
Only $307.
From your house to theirs?
Yeah. Well, I got that cabbie
to stop in at bingo there
and wait for me a couple
of hours for me while I played.
Ooh, that was real smart thinking.
True God!
I know! You'd think
they'd appreciate it, no.
Proper sour faces they were.
Make me sick.
Oh, so, that's why youse two
not talking?
Oh, I haven't told you
the best of it yet.
I told them,
'I wanna see my grandson.'
I haven't seen him in months
because of their carrying on.
So, I marched right in there
I looked at him... and I knew.
That kid ain't my son's.
That bitch has been whoring her fork
around town.
How you know?
Because of that face on it.
My son wasn't that ugly as a kid.
He was real handsome.
So, I told 'em straight.
I said, 'Eh, what's this thing
here in this cot?'
That's not my grandson!'
So, it was on
for young and old then.
She's screaming like
the loud banshee that she is
and my son's telling me
to get out of the house.
All the while that creature
from the deep is crying in the cot.
And your own son told you to get out?
No respect, that is.
Never mind,
what goes around comes around.
They'll get theirs.
VOICEOVER: Are you in touch
with Indigenous Australia?
Or do you just want
to touch Indigenous Australia?
Then call Girls Gone Native,
1800-Girls-Gone-Native.
I'll always make
your boomerang come back.
That's 1800-Girls-Gone-Native.
Call now. First five minutes free.
Come take a sip
out of my water hole.
It's always the wet season here.
The first ten callers
get a copy of the hot new calendar,
'Girls Gone Native 2014'.
That's 365 days of naked natives.
All for you, and your didgeridoo.
1800-Girls-Gone-Native.
They've been waiting 40,000 years.
Call now
for your Dreamtime dream girl.
You humpy in my humpy?
I'll give you
a true 'bush' experience.
Call now. 1800-Girls-Gone-Native.
And no reverse charges.
Oh, my God.
Did you just brush up against me?
Yeah, sorry about that.
You did it intentionally,
didn't you?
I was just trying to get the butter.
Admit it, you just
wanted to touch me, didn't you?
What?
You just couldn't resist...
brushing yourself up against this
fine chocolate ass.
Well, now that you mention it.
You thought you could get away
with rubbing up against me.
Wait... what?
I've been looking at you
all afternoon.
Don't tell me you didn't notice?
I think you are
extremely attractive.
In fact, I'd like to take you out
on a date sometime,
if that's fine with you.
You sick bastard.
It's OK, Shh, shh. Here.
Return to your home, my brown sister!
You are free.
ALL: ALF!
Somebody, help me. Someone!
They've brought a new one.
What do you mean? Who?
The Aboriginal Liberation Front.
Was that the...?
The people who just...?
Yes.
I need to go home!
I haven't recorded
the last episode of Girls!
I'm sorry.
Here, this is where we sleep.
I modelled the humpies off one
I saw this homeless guy make
at Central Station.
Ours aren't much, but they work.
Well, what do you eat?
They gave us spears. You hunt?
Oh, no, we ate them.
We ate the spears.
We're running pretty low
on spears, actually.
I don't know what
we're going to eat after that.
She's back! Hide!
You mob, come out! Come out!
You mob! Come, come.
Are you one of them?
No, I'm the AALF.
The Anti Aboriginal
Liberation Front.
That's anti-
Aboriginal Liberation Front.
That's not anti-Aboriginal,
I'm not anti-Aboriginal.
I'm not. I'm a school teacher, man.
Anyway,
I've got everything what you need.
I've got iPhone chargers,
lattes...
..skim and soy - all organic.
Drink, drink.
Where is she?
I've called the police.
We're never going to hear
from her again.
Everything is going to be OK.
How's the lattes?
Bit cold. Watery.
All right. Let's go.
I'm going in the front - shotgun.
Blacks at the back.
Eyah, slut. What slut?
I hear you bin itchy for Peter?
Who Peter?
I get itchy for biggest mob.
No wonder you got that
big rash on your fork.
Peter Blant fuck ya?
Oh, Peter.
Yeah, I was itchy, but not any more.
He bin come over last night
and scratch me like a big pussycat.
The only big pussy I see is you.
Anyway, can't even exercise.
Can't even sing. (Gasps)
(Sings) # Well, what's this then,
slut?
# Well, what's this then
# Slu-u-u-u-u-ut?
(Raps) # Well, what's this then,
slut?
# Ha-ha, ha, huh, huh!
# Well, what's this then, slut?
# Well, what's this then slut?
# Well, what's this then, slut?
BOTH: # Well, what's this then,
slut?
(Both sing line repeatedly)
# We-e-e-e-e-e-l-l
# We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-l-l
# What's this then, slut?
# What's this then, slut?
# Well, well
# What's this then, slut?
# What's this then, slut?
# What's this then, slut?
(Both sing line repeatedly)
(Coughs)
(Both sing hoarsely)
(They sing faintly)
(Hoarsely) # Slut
# Slut
(Very faintly) # Slut # Slut. #
Ooh, ya dog!
(Barking)
Ooh, ya dog!
NEWSREADER: In breaking news,
police have raided a suburban house
in connection to a series
of Indigenous abductions
by the so-called
Aboriginal Liberation Front.
The ringleader, a Marcy Mavis,
is still at large.
Police are advising Aboriginal people
to remain indoors and... Argh!
(Chanting) ALF!
ALL: Reconciliation!
When do we want it? ALL: Now!
What do we want?
ALL: Reconciliation!
When do we want it? ALL: Now!
What do we want?
ALL: Reconciliation!
When do we want it? ALL: Now!
What do we want?
ALL: Reconciliation!
When do we want it? ALL: Now!
What... Hey, hey... wait, wait!
Wait! Um... what do we want?
ALL: Reconciliation!
What happened to land rights?
(Crowd mumbles)
Whose idea was it
for reconciliation anyway?
(Crowd murmurs)
Eh, who's in charge here?
(Crowd murmurs)
I think we need to go home
and think about it, eh?
When? Now!
What do we want?
ALL: Go home and think about it!
When do we want it? ALL: Now!
# Theme music
We've identified the final target -
Daniel Gordon -
colonised, assimilated,
caught in the cycle
of Western oppression.
Jems? Marcy.
As well as being
a government lackey,
working for the public sector,
Daniel Gordon has degraded himself
by submitting to recreational
cross-breeding dash relations
with a Caucasian woman.
Gary?
Um, I thought we weren't
supposed to use our real names.
Oh, God, Gary. Seriously.
I thought we were getting codenames.
Gary!
Alright, let's rock and roll.
ALL: ALF!
He's running late -
he should've been here at 08:00.
What is it now?
08:00 and 50 or is that...?
..is that 10 to 100?
Or is that 08:00 and a half...
Target identified,
target identified!
Gary, why aren't you getting him?
He looks big!
You had one job, Gary, one job!
Get out there!
Come on, Jems! Me?
Yes! Let's go get him.
Freedom awaits you!
Freedom! Go! Go!
Please don't kill me!
I've got kids.
Please don't hurt us!
Take my wallet -
it's all the money I've got.
You can have a car. It's a Lexus.
Brand new and...
Hush, sweet natives. Shh, shh...
It's for your own good.
We are the Aboriginal
Liberation Front.
We are your kin in white skin,
born from the same
mother earth land serpent, Gaia.
We were sent here to save you!
Welcome... to your Garden of Eden.
(Bird calls from bushes)
Yes, yes, that's it.
Let the tears of Gaia cleanse you.
Let it free you from
the colonial shackles of oppression.
Deassimilate! Decolonise!
(Shouts) You are FREE!
Rape... rape... help!
They're gonna rape us!
(Screams) Is this a hate crime?
No, this is a love crime.
Oh, God, they are gonna rape us!
These are the essentials
you will need.
Lap-laps...
(Panting fearfully) Ochre...
..and a spear.
Everything else you need
is all around you.
It's in your blood.
It's in here.
Welcome home.
ALL: ALF!
Wait! I've got a booking
at Rockpool tonight!
Who's going to feed my cats?
How will I charge my phone?
Ehya... Turn on!
(Gasps)
(Dramatic super hero music)
Deadly, Dave.
I joined OK Cupid
to meet that special someone.
I chose the screen name
'cute&sassy4u'.
I just thought that summed me up
pretty well.
So, they had this section
called My Details, you know,
like your age, sex, height,
body type, star sign -
I'm Virgo, just FYI -
that kind of stuff.
And then they had
an ethnicity box.
So, I go to tick Aboriginal
but there is no Aboriginal box.
There's Native American, Asian,
Indian, Pacific Islander and White
and whatevs, but no Aboriginal box.
I had to tick 'Other'.
Other...
like, what's an 'other'?
Like, I'm meant to be meeting
the love of my life
and I'm on there as 'other'!
Like, what does that even mean?
It was just really, it was really
confronting and racist, you know?
It kind of grew
into this big grass roots campaign.
There were protests
all over the world.
It grew legs and we were running.
It was time, you know?
Time for change.
It was, like, Kevin 07
and Gough Whitlam on steroids.
It was bigger than KONY.
It was everyday people saying,
'We can make a difference.'
And it really meant something,
you know?
It was something bigger
than all of us.
We are Koori!
(Crowd shouts unclearly)
We are Koori! (Crowd shouts)
INTERVIEWER: What ended up
happening?
Well, OK Cupid listened.
They added the 'Aboriginal
and/or Torres Strait Islander' box.
They added it.
I can still remember that morning.
I logged onto my profile.
I clicked on my details
and I clicked the box I belonged in.
After everything
my people had gone through,
the Stolen Generation, land claims,
native title, equal rights
and here I was, ticking the box
I belonged in -
the 'Aboriginal and/or
Torres Strait Islander' box
on OK Cupid.
It really meant something.
Did I meet someone special?
Yeah. No, I didn't.
Still single.
What happened?
Well... as soon as I ticked
that Aboriginal box,
people stopped messaging me.
So, I had to untick it.
But that's my right, so...
Innkeeper.
OK, you don't need to...
Innkeeper,
we have need of a room for the night.
We've travelled many miles
and my wife is heavy with child.
Yes, mate, absolutely no worr...
Well, the thing is,
we are actually full - no vacancy.
I didn't see a No Vacancy sign
around the front.
Funny that, I meant to put one up.
It's been that sort of a day.
Just didn't get around to it
but we are full.
So, you're full? Yep.
You've got no available rooms?
Nope.
You think I don't know
what's going on here?
You know, I heard things
about Bethlehem, man.
Don't know what you mean.
I'll give you a clue.
It starts with R.
Ritual floggings?
Racism, dickhead!
Oh, come on, mate - you're barking
up the wrong date palm.
We're all Israelites here.
Yeah, but there's Israelites
and Israelites - know what I mean?
Mate, Herod's in town,
Pontius Pilate's just rocked up
with his entourage
and his hangers-on.
It's the Festival
Of The Unleavened Bread.
Very busy time here in Bethlehem.
Come on, Joseph, let's go.
Let's not make a scene.
Not make a scene? Yes.
It's zero BC, for God's sake.
Our elders didn't fight
the Canaanites, the Philistines
and the Romans
for all this bullshit to continue.
Alright, I've got a stable out back.
That's the best I can do.
A stable! We're not animals.
Let's just take it, please.
Alright, we'll take it,
but you know what tomorrow is?
What?
AD. You know what that stands for?
After Discrimination.
After... Discrimination.
OK, OK, you've made your point.
OK, thank you.
(Animal noises)
See, what'd I tell you, Mary.
We shoulda went straight
to Jerusalem. Bethlehem is racist.
Everyone, this is Kevin.
Hi, Kevin. Hi, Kevin.
Hey, how are youse?
Wait. Wait.
Isn't Kevin his slave name?
Yeah, good point.
What is your skin name,
native brother?
Skin name?
Soaring Jabiru -
because he fly high
and we are
the wind beneath his wings.
Yeah, look, Kevin's fine.
I thought...
Kevin is a teacher -
he's going to be a great asset
in providing insight
into Aboriginal knowledge
so that we can infiltrate their nests
and deprogram them from the system.
Look, I think there's
a bit of a misunderstanding.
We have a video!
Gary, show him the video.
ALL: ALF.
ALF. Three words.
Aboriginal. Liberation. Front.
We believe in the freedom
and equality of all people - how?
Five-step process -
Profile. Target. Capture.
Relocate. Release.
It's that easy. ALL: ALF.
So, what do you think?
Yeah, look, I thought we were here
because you had an educational
program for Indigenous children.
This is an educational program,
Soaring Jabiru!
Don't call me that.
I mean, it's weird, it's racist.
Call me Kevin or Kevo or Kev.
Don't be ridiculous,
Soaring Jabiru.
We are your brothers and sisters!
Children of mother earth, Gaia!
ALL: This is our dreamtime.
This is our dreamtime.
This is our Dreamtime.
This is our Dreamtime.
Oh, man, you guys are crazy.
I got no time for this.
Wait! I don't think
think you understand, Soaring Jabiru.
You are either with us or against us.
So, what's it going to be, cowboy?
WOMAN: Marcy, are your friends
staying for dinner?
Mum! Knock!
Darling, are they staying
for dinner?
Mum, get out! Close the door!
Get out now! Mum, go!
This is ridiculous.
(Shouts) What's for dinner,
Mrs Miller?
What? What's for dinner?
Lamb and tzatziki. What?
OK, now this is ridiculous.
I said lamb and tzat-
(Mouths words)
What's going on here?
What on earth have you got...?
You'll never get away with this!
Run, run like the wind,
you beautiful son of a bitch.
Was he Aboriginal?
Watch where you're going,
ya dopey bastard!
Sorry, mate.
I didn't see you there.
What, you an idiot or something?
You looking for trouble?
Not at all.
Here, let me buy you another beer.
I don't want a beer
touched by your filthy black hand.
Now, mate, I'm trying to be patient,
but you're pushing things
a bit too far.
Why? What are you going
to do about it?
Do you want a go, mate?
Oh, you going to come at me
with that Crouching Tiger,
Hidden Dragon shit?
Brother, you don't know
what you're in for.
Welcome to Bouncing Wallaby.
Huh? Yeah? Yeah?
You want some of that? Huh?
You wanna get your arse bounced?
That's what's going to happen.
Or maybe you want some
Crawling Goanna?
Yeah? Yeah?
Want some Crawling Goanna?
Want some of that? Huh? Huh?
Or maybe you want
Biting Tasmanian Devil.
Pecking Emu!
Oh, my back.
(Groans)
See how they go?
I just mopped that stinking floor.
What they think this is?
A playground!
No playground here!
What's she still hanging around
here for, parading?
You know she mad for singing
in the toilet, eh?
She singing up like a cat on heat.
Go out and get a job
or something.
I'm telling you now, she's lucky
that manager's half deaf
or she'd be out, look - shop shut!
Singing up in there
like she can carry a note.
She can't carry a note,
she's off key.
No-one wants her.
Sure she's stealing that air
freshener too, from in that toilet.
They'll be looking
for matches soon, to burn them fumes.
Oh, they're not going to like that.
Wild gins, they are.
WOMAN: Hi, Mavis.
Hey, how you going?
Hey, was that you singing up there?
Yes.
Gee, you got a deadly voice.
You big gee-whiz!
Pillia Mittigar, children.
Today I'm going to tell you
the story of How Fire Was Made.
In the Dreamtime,
a long, long time ago,
there was a family of koalas -
Daddy Koala, Mummy Koala
and Baby Koala.
We'll call him Eli.
They all lived together
in a big gum tree,
high in the sky, so they could speak
to their ancestors.
They spent their days
eating eucalyptus leaves,
sleeping and giving furry koala hugs.
They were very happy.
Then one day Daddy Koala left.
Left Mummy Koala and Eli
all on their own.
Shows what kind of a man
Daddy Koala was.
Daddy went
and lived with his secretary,
Kelly the Kookaburra.
Kelly the Kookaburra, with her
annoying smile and ratchet laugh.
Kelly the Kookaburra,
a real basic bitch.
Mummy Koala and Eli
had to go to a gum tree refuge
with other mummy koalas
and their children.
She started thinking
about Daddy Koala,
laughing away with Kelly,
the Kookaburra in the new car,
doing filthy things, and she got mad.
Mummy Koala called on her ancestors
and they told her exactly what to do.
She got a glass bottle,
filled it with petrol
and stuffed a rag in the top
and went to Daddy Koala's gum tree.
When she got there,
her ancestors opened up the sky
and a ray of sun came down
and touched the rag.
Bright flames appeared.
Mummy Koala gave the bottle to Eli
and told him to throw it
high into the sky
because the bush police
had her fingerprints on file
due to this thing, that one time.
Eli threw the bottle
with all his might
and it hit the tree
and it went up in flames!
Daddy Koala
and Kelly the Kookaburra
were in the tree making a special
video tape when the bottle hit.
They had to be airlifted
to intensive care
with third degree burns.
Who's laughing now?
Mummy Koala and Eli
lived happily ever after
and they didn't have to play
another game of Throw the Bottle
for a very long time.
And that, children, is the dreamtime
story of How Fire was Made.
You and your son talking yet?
What son? Oooh-ah!
Nah, true.
I've disowned him, I have.
He keeps taking
that Evans girl's side every time.
Why, what happened?
Well, you know me.
I don't hold grudges against anyone.
So, after that lotto fiasco,
I went around and make amends.
Is that after your car
shat itself?
Yeah, after that.
So, anyway, I get into the cab
and I go around there
and they're real funny with me
from the go get.
They wouldn't pay my cab.
Well, how much was the fare?
Only $307.
From your house to theirs?
Yeah. Well, I got that cabbie
to stop in at bingo there
and wait for me a couple
of hours for me while I played.
Ooh, that was real smart thinking.
True God!
I know! You'd think
they'd appreciate it, no.
Proper sour faces they were.
Make me sick.
Oh, so, that's why youse two
not talking?
Oh, I haven't told you
the best of it yet.
I told them,
'I wanna see my grandson.'
I haven't seen him in months
because of their carrying on.
So, I marched right in there
I looked at him... and I knew.
That kid ain't my son's.
That bitch has been whoring her fork
around town.
How you know?
Because of that face on it.
My son wasn't that ugly as a kid.
He was real handsome.
So, I told 'em straight.
I said, 'Eh, what's this thing
here in this cot?'
That's not my grandson!'
So, it was on
for young and old then.
She's screaming like
the loud banshee that she is
and my son's telling me
to get out of the house.
All the while that creature
from the deep is crying in the cot.
And your own son told you to get out?
No respect, that is.
Never mind,
what goes around comes around.
They'll get theirs.
VOICEOVER: Are you in touch
with Indigenous Australia?
Or do you just want
to touch Indigenous Australia?
Then call Girls Gone Native,
1800-Girls-Gone-Native.
I'll always make
your boomerang come back.
That's 1800-Girls-Gone-Native.
Call now. First five minutes free.
Come take a sip
out of my water hole.
It's always the wet season here.
The first ten callers
get a copy of the hot new calendar,
'Girls Gone Native 2014'.
That's 365 days of naked natives.
All for you, and your didgeridoo.
1800-Girls-Gone-Native.
They've been waiting 40,000 years.
Call now
for your Dreamtime dream girl.
You humpy in my humpy?
I'll give you
a true 'bush' experience.
Call now. 1800-Girls-Gone-Native.
And no reverse charges.
Oh, my God.
Did you just brush up against me?
Yeah, sorry about that.
You did it intentionally,
didn't you?
I was just trying to get the butter.
Admit it, you just
wanted to touch me, didn't you?
What?
You just couldn't resist...
brushing yourself up against this
fine chocolate ass.
Well, now that you mention it.
You thought you could get away
with rubbing up against me.
Wait... what?
I've been looking at you
all afternoon.
Don't tell me you didn't notice?
I think you are
extremely attractive.
In fact, I'd like to take you out
on a date sometime,
if that's fine with you.
You sick bastard.
It's OK, Shh, shh. Here.
Return to your home, my brown sister!
You are free.
ALL: ALF!
Somebody, help me. Someone!
They've brought a new one.
What do you mean? Who?
The Aboriginal Liberation Front.
Was that the...?
The people who just...?
Yes.
I need to go home!
I haven't recorded
the last episode of Girls!
I'm sorry.
Here, this is where we sleep.
I modelled the humpies off one
I saw this homeless guy make
at Central Station.
Ours aren't much, but they work.
Well, what do you eat?
They gave us spears. You hunt?
Oh, no, we ate them.
We ate the spears.
We're running pretty low
on spears, actually.
I don't know what
we're going to eat after that.
She's back! Hide!
You mob, come out! Come out!
You mob! Come, come.
Are you one of them?
No, I'm the AALF.
The Anti Aboriginal
Liberation Front.
That's anti-
Aboriginal Liberation Front.
That's not anti-Aboriginal,
I'm not anti-Aboriginal.
I'm not. I'm a school teacher, man.
Anyway,
I've got everything what you need.
I've got iPhone chargers,
lattes...
..skim and soy - all organic.
Drink, drink.
Where is she?
I've called the police.
We're never going to hear
from her again.
Everything is going to be OK.
How's the lattes?
Bit cold. Watery.
All right. Let's go.
I'm going in the front - shotgun.
Blacks at the back.
Eyah, slut. What slut?
I hear you bin itchy for Peter?
Who Peter?
I get itchy for biggest mob.
No wonder you got that
big rash on your fork.
Peter Blant fuck ya?
Oh, Peter.
Yeah, I was itchy, but not any more.
He bin come over last night
and scratch me like a big pussycat.
The only big pussy I see is you.
Anyway, can't even exercise.
Can't even sing. (Gasps)
(Sings) # Well, what's this then,
slut?
# Well, what's this then
# Slu-u-u-u-u-ut?
(Raps) # Well, what's this then,
slut?
# Ha-ha, ha, huh, huh!
# Well, what's this then, slut?
# Well, what's this then slut?
# Well, what's this then, slut?
BOTH: # Well, what's this then,
slut?
(Both sing line repeatedly)
# We-e-e-e-e-e-l-l
# We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-l-l
# What's this then, slut?
# What's this then, slut?
# Well, well
# What's this then, slut?
# What's this then, slut?
# What's this then, slut?
(Both sing line repeatedly)
(Coughs)
(Both sing hoarsely)
(They sing faintly)
(Hoarsely) # Slut
# Slut
(Very faintly) # Slut # Slut. #
Ooh, ya dog!
(Barking)
Ooh, ya dog!
NEWSREADER: In breaking news,
police have raided a suburban house
in connection to a series
of Indigenous abductions
by the so-called
Aboriginal Liberation Front.
The ringleader, a Marcy Mavis,
is still at large.
Police are advising Aboriginal people
to remain indoors and... Argh!
(Chanting) ALF!