Black Comedy (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
(Phone rings)
Which way!
Aboriginal IT Solutions,
this is the help desk.
I have a problem with my computer
that I can't seem to get it to work.
What have you done
to try and fix it?
Well, I've rebooted,
I've tried control-alt-delete.
I've turned it off and on at the
wall, then turned it back on again.
Have you called it a slut?
Come again?
Have you sworn at it?
Mumbled under your breath?
Talked through your teeth
and all of that?
Well, no. Will that work?
Try it and see how it goes.
Alright.
Come on, you slut!
You need a bit more passion
and emphasis on the 'slut'.
Come on, slut.
Louder and blacker.
Come on, ya slut!
I want you to close your eyes and
think of 200 years of colonisation!
Think of Freedom Rides and Cathy
Freeman running with that flag.
Think I'm black and I'm proud!
Here, c'mon, ya slut!
Louder, stronger!
Come on, you slut!
Oh, that's gammin', tidda.
Think of the flag,
think of the protests,
think of our mob marching on the
streets, think of the tent embassy,
the referendum, think of John Howard!
COME ON, YOU SLUT!
Oh, there you go.
It's working.
Thanks, help desk.
No worries, my tidda.
Call back any time.
# Theme music
Yes!
Just got my tax return,
$7000 in the bank!
(Siren rings)
What's that?
That's an alarm I got.
It lets you know when
a family member's come into cash.
Really?
I have got to get one.
NARRATOR, V/O: Ever find yourself
that little bit short of cash?
Then try the new payday alarm.
It's simple and it's only $19.99.
Payday alarm.
Call now and order yours today.
Two people owed money
to a certain moneylender.
One of them him five hundred
denarii, and the other fifty.
Neither of them
had money to pay him back,
so he forgave the debts
of them both.
And who do you think
loved him the most?
The one who owed the most, My Lord.
Yes, Simon, you are correct.
That is why I am letting her
wash my feet.
Because she understands
the value of forgiveness
better than those
who have less to forgive.
What's going on here?
Feet washing.
Yeah, we can see that,
but why is it going on?
I am unclean
and I am gaining forgiveness.
Unclean! Who told you that?
Yeah, sister,
who sold you that bullshit?
I am illustrating to my followers
the value of forgiveness.
Sister, you don't have to
wash his feet.
I don't wash my man's feet.
Shit, he'd be washing mine,
and rubbing 'em too
if he knew what was good for him.
What are you doing here, Simon?
Babe, I didn't... I wasn't...
Remember how I said
I was gonna be an disciple.
Well, this is being a disciple.
You didn't tell me youse
were gonna be down here
watching a woman wash a man's feet.
Well, discipling's different
from day to day.
It's never the same thing.
Get home now.
Go home now.
And what are you doing, Matthew?
I'm going.
I'll have dinner ready.
Chicken pad Thai!
Yes, dear.
Anyway, is he even your man?
Not really, no.
Well, what are you doing, then?
I'm Jesus Christ.
And I'm Zipporah Jones.
And I'm Miriam Smith.
Sister, get up off your knees.
I don't know where you're from,
but where we come from here in
Jerusalem, we don't roll like that.
That's right. It's 30 A.D.
That shit might've went down when
we were wandering in the desert,
but today...
Excuse me, can you just...
Excuse us, excuse you.
We can get on that black grapevine
and tell all of your wives
that you're down here
participating in this.
Just... like... that.
My disciples follow a higher path
than that which is dictated
by their wives.
DISCIPLE: Yeah, we're not gonna
get bullied by a bunch of women...
(Laughter)
(Calls) Mary Margaret, Mary Kate,
Rachel, Leah, Hepzibah,
Sarah, Abigail, Delilah,
Bathsheba, Jezebel...
Get up, sister,
you're coming with us.
We're taking you shopping.
Because seriously, those rags,
not gonna cut it around here.
I know, I'll introduce you
to my cousin, Ray Ray.
He is cut-up like
you wouldn't believe.
Who's gonna dry my feet?
I don't wanna
get my new sandals dirty.
Hey, fellas!
Bloody women.
So the black bitch is eating chicken.
Beef. Beef?
I'm thinking we have to run
the Shanghai transaction past Tom.
Tom in Acquisitions?
Good idea.
(Buzzer)
Tatiana, can you come in here,
please.
Hey. Can you make a note to run
the Shanghai transaction past Tom?
Tom in Acquisitions?
Yes.
Done. And done. Fantastic.
Oh, and can you go
and grab me a latte?
You want one?
Er, yeah, yeah. Just a skim.
I'm watching my figure.
No... no, I can't do that.
Um, why not?
It's a cultural thing.
You know?
Cultural.
But what has getting coffee...
Shh.
Cultural thing.
Yeah, I just don't
understand what...
Shh.
(Whispers) She's under
the Reconciliation Action Plan.
So, yeah, sure, it's a
cultural thing. We understand.
Now, when you go get your coffees,
can you pick me up one too?
One latte, not too warm
and not too frothy.
I really don't like it too frothy.
Er, here's $2.
They're $3.50?
Cultural thing.
Five, six, seven, eight.
And one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Well done, guys. Excellent.
Yeah, I'm glad you're all
working up a sweat.
Just take a seat on the floor.
We're going to get you
to perform your solo routines, OK.
So can I get, um...
Shawn.
Yeah.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Well done, yeah.
I liked that a lot. Yeah, great.
Great. I liked it a lot.
The only thing, though,
was it didn't have any
traditional animal elements in it.
So we might just
get you to go again, um,
and maybe improvise
some of it for us now.
Yeah, I'd love to.
OK, so let's try the kangaroo.
Kangaroo?
Yes. OK.
Yeah.
Ah, OK. So do you realise that
kangaroos don't jump backwards?
Oh.
Let's move on...
Um, let's try an emu.
Emu? Yeah.
Emu, emu...
OK, alright,
so this is not really working,
so we might just get you to take
a seat and we'll get somebody else.
Um...
What if I show you some traditional
animal movements that I know.
What have you got?
I've got an elephant.
(Trumpets) Um...
So, elephants aren't from Australia.
We don't have any elephants here.
What about in zoos? OK.
Um, Shawn, we might just get you
to take a seat.
And, um, yeah, let's...
Lion! What about a lion?
(Roars)
No, that's no good.
A monkey!
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
No, no, no.
Sorry, that's not gonna work for us.
Dolphin. Dolphin...
Eh-eh-eh. Eh-eh-eh-eh.
Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
(Gasps) Giraffe.
What noise does a giraffe make?
I need you to take a seat.
Please, Shawn.
Can you please sit down?
It's not an animal,
but what about the robot.
Yeah. You like that, huh?
You like the robot?
See that, yeah? You like that?
Ro-bot, yeah. Yeah, ro-bot.
And robot.
Robot, robot, robot.
Now, I'm doing it in front
of your face 'cause I'm a ro-bot.
I... I can't deal with this.
Did I get the part?
Aw, babe, babe,
I'm really tired, babe.
Come on, I've been
thinking about you all day.
I know, babe, but I'm so tired.
I've got an early start tomorrow.
Come on, I'll do that thing you like.
It'll be worth it.
Babe, babe. I've got a headache.
I love you
but just not tonight, OK?
Yeah. I love you.
Yeah.
(Sighs) Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tatiana! Just stop!
You have to.
What? Why?
It's... it's a cultural thing.
Yeah, it's a cultural thing.
We have to have sex...
for cultural reasons.
Really? I don't think
that sounds right.
No, it is. It's NAIDOC week.
NAIDOC week? Really?
Yeah, so we have to have sex.
And you have to make me come.
Twice. Twice?
Yeah, and you have to do that thing
that you do with your tongue.
That thing that I like.
But I've got a headache.
It is throbbing, it's pounding.
Can we just...?
You don't want to be a racist,
do you?
(Whimpers)
Do you?!
No. You know, I guess...
I guess not.
Great!
Now, get on down there.
Go on.
Munch, munch, munch.
So, the black bitch
is drinking coffee.
Tea. Tea?
# Dubstep
Oh, what's doing, bra?
Nah, just come back
from the doctor's.
What happened to ya leg, bra?
Copped the maddest ase-chay, bra.
Cabbie, man. Tried to rip me in
a fare, so I jumped him, legged it.
Lad got out
and chased me five blocks.
Next thing there was like 20 cabs
at the end of the street.
I had to jump the big barbwire
cop fence just to get away.
Oh, mad ill-skays, bra,
mad ill-skays.
Es-yays, that's when
I jumped down off the fence,
skidded on the gravel -
that's when I ripped my leg up.
Ad-may, ad-may.
But they wasn't gonna catch me.
They should know
they can't outrun blackfellas.
I'm the fastest 38-year-old they
ever going to see in their life.
Not like back in the day, eh,
when we owned these streets.
No cab would even come down here
unless we said so.
Es-yays, nobody can catch me
when I start.
I wasn't gonna pay
no big taxi fare for no-one.
Oh, what call the cops!
Bra, shh, eyes and ears, bra.
Eyes and ears.
Aunty-ay oming-cay ere-hay.
Hey, your leg alright?
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, boy, it was my fault.
But you shouldn't have
bumped into me this morning
when I had that cup of hot tea
in my hand, eh.
I'm right.
Just leave it now, ey, aunt.
Please.
Well, as long as you're all right.
Oh, what?
Hot tea!
Call the cops!
Hey.
Come in, man.
How can I be of service?
I'm just after one of
your relaxation packages.
If I can get you to strip down
to this lap lap,
and then you come back in
and lie on this table.
Hey, you look good, man.
You comfy?
Yeah.
Alright, I'll get you
to lay down on the table.
Now what I'm going to do first
is play some traditional music
to soothe you into your proceedings.
Yeah.
(DIDGERIDOO BLASTS)
Holy Shit!
Whoa, man.
I need you to relax.
OK.
(RHYTHMIC CRACKING)
Argh! Are you hitting me
with bits of wood?
Clap sticks, man!
Well, please don't.
Fine.
How about we try
a smoke cleansing instead.
OK.
That sounds good. Let's do that.
(Chants) # Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo,
ghoona-budhoo-muyoo
# Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo,
ghoona-budhoo-muyoo
# Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo,
ghoona-budhoo-ghoona-budhoo. #
Hey, brother.
Whew!
There.
You're all chilled, relaxed.
Hey, bro.
Hey.
(Chants) # Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo,
ghoona-budhoo-muyoo
# Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo,
ghoona-budhoo-muyoo
# Ghoona. #
So the black bitch
is doing a close-up.
Wide shot. Wide shot?
(Alarm rings)
What the hell is that?
That, my friend, is an alarm
I bought recently.
It goes off when family
are about to call me
when they're looking for a loan.
Really? Really.
So how does it work?
Easy. When it goes off,
I just turn off my phone.
Done. Cool.
NARRATOR, V/O: Tired of hiding
from relatives on pay day?
Want to get ahead, but your bludging
family keep dragging you behind?
Order the Hide My Black Arse From
My Money Grabbing Mob alarm today.
His phone's still off.
Hmm.
It's like he knows.
It's only $19.99.
Call now and order yours today.
# TV THEME TUNE
NARRATOR, V/O:: Once again, the
brave crew of the Starship Hentaprise
find themselves in trouble.
After escaping a big black hole,
and with their ship damaged,
they find themselves
running out of supplies.
We're not going to last
much longer, Captain.
If we don't find supplies
to repair the Hentaprise,
there's a 97.839 per cent chance
she'll fall to pieces.
Suggestions?
I'm picking up a class M planet.
It appears to have the minerals
and resources that we need.
There's even Blakanthium
to repower our warp engines.
Good. Set a course.
Wait a minute.
It seems to be inhabited, Captain.
Inhabited by who?
A species that hasn't yet
discovered space travel.
There's approximately
300,000 humanoid life forms.
I fear we have no alternative.
Set a course
so we can take what we need!
Won't that kinda
make us hypocrites though?
How so?
I believe he's talking about 1788
in Earth's history, Captain,
when the English colonised
what was known as Australia,
but is now known as New China.
Oh! Of course!
That does make it a bit complicated.
Ooh, do a plaque.
Do a plaque that acknowledges them
and then chuck that shit up
on government buildings
and then fly a flag!
I don't think that's gonna cut it.
Especially when they find out what
we really wanna do with their land.
Could we write them
into some document
that recognises
they were there first?
A constitution, maybe.
Ooh!
I'm not really feeling that either.
Oh! Oh! I know!
What about a treaty? I like it.
What we need to do is work out
a deal that works on both sides,
so we can become friends and become
respectful in a harmonious way
for both cultures and customs.
I'm picking up something, Captain.
According to this data, the group
aren't indigenous to the area at all
and have migrated from another
planet to set up a penal colony.
Oh, well.
In that case, blow that shit up!
Let's take what we want!
I think we should've just
done that in the first place.
ALL: Shut up, Vanilla!
OK. (All laugh)
NARRATOR, V/O: Make sure you tune
in next for the episode of Star Blaks
as our brave crew seek to go blackly
where no other blackfella
has gone before.
Oh, my back!
See how they go.
That one in there's still sleeping!
I dunno why.
Not like she's exhausted
from a hard day's work or nothing.
I can't even mop down her end of
the hallway, she snores that loud!
She's snoring like
she's been drinking or something
but she don't even drink!
No-one wants her!
I'm sick of mopping this vomit up
from these mob drinking here.
TAFE students, see,
think they're on holidays!
Stinking night owls.
I'm telling you now, if I was
manager they'd be gone, look!
Shop shut!
But, no, this manager wanna
please these girls all the time.
They're not babies!
They got hairs now!
Ooh, wild gins they are.
WOMAN: Morning, Mavis.
MAVIS: Hey, you up?
You get your beauty sleep?
Yeah.
Oh, deadly.
I was waiting for you to get up.
You big gee-whiz!
Welcome my non-Indigenous
brothers and sisters.
My name is Ranger Billy,
and on behalf of my ancestors
I welcome you,
and invite you to walk my country.
This is a food source for my people.
We've hunted it
for thousands of years.
Even in the time of dinosaurs.
What does it taste like?
I don't eat that shit.
Ooh, but I eat these berries...
(Gasps) Aren't they poisoning?
Who's the black one here?
Me black.
You yell... not black.
Berries, noodles.
I think I know what I can eat.
Excuse me, Ranger Billy.
I think we passed a dead wallaby
back there five minutes ago.
Think we're lost.
We are not lost.
Don't worry.
Look, I have berries.
You want some?
Mm.
Taste the rainbow.
Sure you don't want any?
Suit yourselves, but don't be running
to me later saying you're hungry.
Who are you people?
What are you doing here?
We are tourists.
You're meant to be showing us
the places of your ancestors.
What ancestors?
Your ancestors.
What's that noise?
What noise?
They're coming to get me.
Who?
The goanna men.
There's no goanna here.
You're conspiring with them,
aren't you?
You're conspiring with them,
scaly fork-tongued bastards?
I think you need
to have some water, Ranger Billy.
Who's Ranger Billy?
I'm Ecknatingau!
I'm...
I'm about to shit myself!
Move!
Ew, slut!
What slut?
I heard you bin sniffing around
with John?
Who John? I sniff biggest mob.
No wonder your nose
is so out of shape, slut.
You look like
big, black Miss Piggy on heat.
Anyway, can't even walk.
(Gasps) Can't even exercise.
(Gasps) Well, what about
this then, slut?
(Grunts)
Well, what's this then, slut?
(Grunts)
Well, what's this then, slut?
What's this then, slut?
Well, what's this then, slut?
Well, what's this then, slut?
(Grunts)
Well, what's this then, slut?
Well, what's this then slut?
What's this?
Well, what's this... then, slut?
(Grunts)
What's this then, slut?
(Both pant)
Well, what's this then, slut?
What's this then, slut?
What's...
This then...
Slut?
Slut.
Excuse me.
You've parked in my spot.
It's a cultural thing.
It's cultural.
No, you see,
this is a disabled parking spot.
I had to park
all the way over there.
Yeah, but I'm Aboriginal,
so it doesn't really apply to me.
Yeah, but I am disabled.
Being Aboriginal in this country
can be a disability.
I can barely move my legs.
But whose land can you
barely move your legs on?
Think about it.
You stole my parking spot!
Ironic, isn't it?
No. It's not actually ironic, no.
Disabled parking spots are for
disabled people, not black people.
Well, should I just go
to the back of the bus, then?
What are you?
A racist?
I'm disabled!
Yeah, you are.
(Electronic voice) Excuse me.
You are both in my spot.
And I'm a lesbian.
I'm really sorry.
I'll just move.
So sorry.
I'll move straightaway. OK?
L-O-L. L-O-L.
REPORTER, V/O: Earlier today
a group of tourists were rescued
after being lost for three days.
They suffered exposure,
but all are said to be doing well,
except for the Aboriginal ranger
who suffered hallucinations
and extreme diarrhoea
after consuming poisonous berries.
I'm Rosalind Sailor reporting live
from Nelliman National Park.
Which way!
Aboriginal IT Solutions,
this is the help desk.
I have a problem with my computer
that I can't seem to get it to work.
What have you done
to try and fix it?
Well, I've rebooted,
I've tried control-alt-delete.
I've turned it off and on at the
wall, then turned it back on again.
Have you called it a slut?
Come again?
Have you sworn at it?
Mumbled under your breath?
Talked through your teeth
and all of that?
Well, no. Will that work?
Try it and see how it goes.
Alright.
Come on, you slut!
You need a bit more passion
and emphasis on the 'slut'.
Come on, slut.
Louder and blacker.
Come on, ya slut!
I want you to close your eyes and
think of 200 years of colonisation!
Think of Freedom Rides and Cathy
Freeman running with that flag.
Think I'm black and I'm proud!
Here, c'mon, ya slut!
Louder, stronger!
Come on, you slut!
Oh, that's gammin', tidda.
Think of the flag,
think of the protests,
think of our mob marching on the
streets, think of the tent embassy,
the referendum, think of John Howard!
COME ON, YOU SLUT!
Oh, there you go.
It's working.
Thanks, help desk.
No worries, my tidda.
Call back any time.
# Theme music
Yes!
Just got my tax return,
$7000 in the bank!
(Siren rings)
What's that?
That's an alarm I got.
It lets you know when
a family member's come into cash.
Really?
I have got to get one.
NARRATOR, V/O: Ever find yourself
that little bit short of cash?
Then try the new payday alarm.
It's simple and it's only $19.99.
Payday alarm.
Call now and order yours today.
Two people owed money
to a certain moneylender.
One of them him five hundred
denarii, and the other fifty.
Neither of them
had money to pay him back,
so he forgave the debts
of them both.
And who do you think
loved him the most?
The one who owed the most, My Lord.
Yes, Simon, you are correct.
That is why I am letting her
wash my feet.
Because she understands
the value of forgiveness
better than those
who have less to forgive.
What's going on here?
Feet washing.
Yeah, we can see that,
but why is it going on?
I am unclean
and I am gaining forgiveness.
Unclean! Who told you that?
Yeah, sister,
who sold you that bullshit?
I am illustrating to my followers
the value of forgiveness.
Sister, you don't have to
wash his feet.
I don't wash my man's feet.
Shit, he'd be washing mine,
and rubbing 'em too
if he knew what was good for him.
What are you doing here, Simon?
Babe, I didn't... I wasn't...
Remember how I said
I was gonna be an disciple.
Well, this is being a disciple.
You didn't tell me youse
were gonna be down here
watching a woman wash a man's feet.
Well, discipling's different
from day to day.
It's never the same thing.
Get home now.
Go home now.
And what are you doing, Matthew?
I'm going.
I'll have dinner ready.
Chicken pad Thai!
Yes, dear.
Anyway, is he even your man?
Not really, no.
Well, what are you doing, then?
I'm Jesus Christ.
And I'm Zipporah Jones.
And I'm Miriam Smith.
Sister, get up off your knees.
I don't know where you're from,
but where we come from here in
Jerusalem, we don't roll like that.
That's right. It's 30 A.D.
That shit might've went down when
we were wandering in the desert,
but today...
Excuse me, can you just...
Excuse us, excuse you.
We can get on that black grapevine
and tell all of your wives
that you're down here
participating in this.
Just... like... that.
My disciples follow a higher path
than that which is dictated
by their wives.
DISCIPLE: Yeah, we're not gonna
get bullied by a bunch of women...
(Laughter)
(Calls) Mary Margaret, Mary Kate,
Rachel, Leah, Hepzibah,
Sarah, Abigail, Delilah,
Bathsheba, Jezebel...
Get up, sister,
you're coming with us.
We're taking you shopping.
Because seriously, those rags,
not gonna cut it around here.
I know, I'll introduce you
to my cousin, Ray Ray.
He is cut-up like
you wouldn't believe.
Who's gonna dry my feet?
I don't wanna
get my new sandals dirty.
Hey, fellas!
Bloody women.
So the black bitch is eating chicken.
Beef. Beef?
I'm thinking we have to run
the Shanghai transaction past Tom.
Tom in Acquisitions?
Good idea.
(Buzzer)
Tatiana, can you come in here,
please.
Hey. Can you make a note to run
the Shanghai transaction past Tom?
Tom in Acquisitions?
Yes.
Done. And done. Fantastic.
Oh, and can you go
and grab me a latte?
You want one?
Er, yeah, yeah. Just a skim.
I'm watching my figure.
No... no, I can't do that.
Um, why not?
It's a cultural thing.
You know?
Cultural.
But what has getting coffee...
Shh.
Cultural thing.
Yeah, I just don't
understand what...
Shh.
(Whispers) She's under
the Reconciliation Action Plan.
So, yeah, sure, it's a
cultural thing. We understand.
Now, when you go get your coffees,
can you pick me up one too?
One latte, not too warm
and not too frothy.
I really don't like it too frothy.
Er, here's $2.
They're $3.50?
Cultural thing.
Five, six, seven, eight.
And one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Well done, guys. Excellent.
Yeah, I'm glad you're all
working up a sweat.
Just take a seat on the floor.
We're going to get you
to perform your solo routines, OK.
So can I get, um...
Shawn.
Yeah.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Well done, yeah.
I liked that a lot. Yeah, great.
Great. I liked it a lot.
The only thing, though,
was it didn't have any
traditional animal elements in it.
So we might just
get you to go again, um,
and maybe improvise
some of it for us now.
Yeah, I'd love to.
OK, so let's try the kangaroo.
Kangaroo?
Yes. OK.
Yeah.
Ah, OK. So do you realise that
kangaroos don't jump backwards?
Oh.
Let's move on...
Um, let's try an emu.
Emu? Yeah.
Emu, emu...
OK, alright,
so this is not really working,
so we might just get you to take
a seat and we'll get somebody else.
Um...
What if I show you some traditional
animal movements that I know.
What have you got?
I've got an elephant.
(Trumpets) Um...
So, elephants aren't from Australia.
We don't have any elephants here.
What about in zoos? OK.
Um, Shawn, we might just get you
to take a seat.
And, um, yeah, let's...
Lion! What about a lion?
(Roars)
No, that's no good.
A monkey!
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
No, no, no.
Sorry, that's not gonna work for us.
Dolphin. Dolphin...
Eh-eh-eh. Eh-eh-eh-eh.
Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
(Gasps) Giraffe.
What noise does a giraffe make?
I need you to take a seat.
Please, Shawn.
Can you please sit down?
It's not an animal,
but what about the robot.
Yeah. You like that, huh?
You like the robot?
See that, yeah? You like that?
Ro-bot, yeah. Yeah, ro-bot.
And robot.
Robot, robot, robot.
Now, I'm doing it in front
of your face 'cause I'm a ro-bot.
I... I can't deal with this.
Did I get the part?
Aw, babe, babe,
I'm really tired, babe.
Come on, I've been
thinking about you all day.
I know, babe, but I'm so tired.
I've got an early start tomorrow.
Come on, I'll do that thing you like.
It'll be worth it.
Babe, babe. I've got a headache.
I love you
but just not tonight, OK?
Yeah. I love you.
Yeah.
(Sighs) Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tatiana! Just stop!
You have to.
What? Why?
It's... it's a cultural thing.
Yeah, it's a cultural thing.
We have to have sex...
for cultural reasons.
Really? I don't think
that sounds right.
No, it is. It's NAIDOC week.
NAIDOC week? Really?
Yeah, so we have to have sex.
And you have to make me come.
Twice. Twice?
Yeah, and you have to do that thing
that you do with your tongue.
That thing that I like.
But I've got a headache.
It is throbbing, it's pounding.
Can we just...?
You don't want to be a racist,
do you?
(Whimpers)
Do you?!
No. You know, I guess...
I guess not.
Great!
Now, get on down there.
Go on.
Munch, munch, munch.
So, the black bitch
is drinking coffee.
Tea. Tea?
# Dubstep
Oh, what's doing, bra?
Nah, just come back
from the doctor's.
What happened to ya leg, bra?
Copped the maddest ase-chay, bra.
Cabbie, man. Tried to rip me in
a fare, so I jumped him, legged it.
Lad got out
and chased me five blocks.
Next thing there was like 20 cabs
at the end of the street.
I had to jump the big barbwire
cop fence just to get away.
Oh, mad ill-skays, bra,
mad ill-skays.
Es-yays, that's when
I jumped down off the fence,
skidded on the gravel -
that's when I ripped my leg up.
Ad-may, ad-may.
But they wasn't gonna catch me.
They should know
they can't outrun blackfellas.
I'm the fastest 38-year-old they
ever going to see in their life.
Not like back in the day, eh,
when we owned these streets.
No cab would even come down here
unless we said so.
Es-yays, nobody can catch me
when I start.
I wasn't gonna pay
no big taxi fare for no-one.
Oh, what call the cops!
Bra, shh, eyes and ears, bra.
Eyes and ears.
Aunty-ay oming-cay ere-hay.
Hey, your leg alright?
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, boy, it was my fault.
But you shouldn't have
bumped into me this morning
when I had that cup of hot tea
in my hand, eh.
I'm right.
Just leave it now, ey, aunt.
Please.
Well, as long as you're all right.
Oh, what?
Hot tea!
Call the cops!
Hey.
Come in, man.
How can I be of service?
I'm just after one of
your relaxation packages.
If I can get you to strip down
to this lap lap,
and then you come back in
and lie on this table.
Hey, you look good, man.
You comfy?
Yeah.
Alright, I'll get you
to lay down on the table.
Now what I'm going to do first
is play some traditional music
to soothe you into your proceedings.
Yeah.
(DIDGERIDOO BLASTS)
Holy Shit!
Whoa, man.
I need you to relax.
OK.
(RHYTHMIC CRACKING)
Argh! Are you hitting me
with bits of wood?
Clap sticks, man!
Well, please don't.
Fine.
How about we try
a smoke cleansing instead.
OK.
That sounds good. Let's do that.
(Chants) # Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo,
ghoona-budhoo-muyoo
# Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo,
ghoona-budhoo-muyoo
# Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo,
ghoona-budhoo-ghoona-budhoo. #
Hey, brother.
Whew!
There.
You're all chilled, relaxed.
Hey, bro.
Hey.
(Chants) # Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo,
ghoona-budhoo-muyoo
# Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo,
ghoona-budhoo-muyoo
# Ghoona. #
So the black bitch
is doing a close-up.
Wide shot. Wide shot?
(Alarm rings)
What the hell is that?
That, my friend, is an alarm
I bought recently.
It goes off when family
are about to call me
when they're looking for a loan.
Really? Really.
So how does it work?
Easy. When it goes off,
I just turn off my phone.
Done. Cool.
NARRATOR, V/O: Tired of hiding
from relatives on pay day?
Want to get ahead, but your bludging
family keep dragging you behind?
Order the Hide My Black Arse From
My Money Grabbing Mob alarm today.
His phone's still off.
Hmm.
It's like he knows.
It's only $19.99.
Call now and order yours today.
# TV THEME TUNE
NARRATOR, V/O:: Once again, the
brave crew of the Starship Hentaprise
find themselves in trouble.
After escaping a big black hole,
and with their ship damaged,
they find themselves
running out of supplies.
We're not going to last
much longer, Captain.
If we don't find supplies
to repair the Hentaprise,
there's a 97.839 per cent chance
she'll fall to pieces.
Suggestions?
I'm picking up a class M planet.
It appears to have the minerals
and resources that we need.
There's even Blakanthium
to repower our warp engines.
Good. Set a course.
Wait a minute.
It seems to be inhabited, Captain.
Inhabited by who?
A species that hasn't yet
discovered space travel.
There's approximately
300,000 humanoid life forms.
I fear we have no alternative.
Set a course
so we can take what we need!
Won't that kinda
make us hypocrites though?
How so?
I believe he's talking about 1788
in Earth's history, Captain,
when the English colonised
what was known as Australia,
but is now known as New China.
Oh! Of course!
That does make it a bit complicated.
Ooh, do a plaque.
Do a plaque that acknowledges them
and then chuck that shit up
on government buildings
and then fly a flag!
I don't think that's gonna cut it.
Especially when they find out what
we really wanna do with their land.
Could we write them
into some document
that recognises
they were there first?
A constitution, maybe.
Ooh!
I'm not really feeling that either.
Oh! Oh! I know!
What about a treaty? I like it.
What we need to do is work out
a deal that works on both sides,
so we can become friends and become
respectful in a harmonious way
for both cultures and customs.
I'm picking up something, Captain.
According to this data, the group
aren't indigenous to the area at all
and have migrated from another
planet to set up a penal colony.
Oh, well.
In that case, blow that shit up!
Let's take what we want!
I think we should've just
done that in the first place.
ALL: Shut up, Vanilla!
OK. (All laugh)
NARRATOR, V/O: Make sure you tune
in next for the episode of Star Blaks
as our brave crew seek to go blackly
where no other blackfella
has gone before.
Oh, my back!
See how they go.
That one in there's still sleeping!
I dunno why.
Not like she's exhausted
from a hard day's work or nothing.
I can't even mop down her end of
the hallway, she snores that loud!
She's snoring like
she's been drinking or something
but she don't even drink!
No-one wants her!
I'm sick of mopping this vomit up
from these mob drinking here.
TAFE students, see,
think they're on holidays!
Stinking night owls.
I'm telling you now, if I was
manager they'd be gone, look!
Shop shut!
But, no, this manager wanna
please these girls all the time.
They're not babies!
They got hairs now!
Ooh, wild gins they are.
WOMAN: Morning, Mavis.
MAVIS: Hey, you up?
You get your beauty sleep?
Yeah.
Oh, deadly.
I was waiting for you to get up.
You big gee-whiz!
Welcome my non-Indigenous
brothers and sisters.
My name is Ranger Billy,
and on behalf of my ancestors
I welcome you,
and invite you to walk my country.
This is a food source for my people.
We've hunted it
for thousands of years.
Even in the time of dinosaurs.
What does it taste like?
I don't eat that shit.
Ooh, but I eat these berries...
(Gasps) Aren't they poisoning?
Who's the black one here?
Me black.
You yell... not black.
Berries, noodles.
I think I know what I can eat.
Excuse me, Ranger Billy.
I think we passed a dead wallaby
back there five minutes ago.
Think we're lost.
We are not lost.
Don't worry.
Look, I have berries.
You want some?
Mm.
Taste the rainbow.
Sure you don't want any?
Suit yourselves, but don't be running
to me later saying you're hungry.
Who are you people?
What are you doing here?
We are tourists.
You're meant to be showing us
the places of your ancestors.
What ancestors?
Your ancestors.
What's that noise?
What noise?
They're coming to get me.
Who?
The goanna men.
There's no goanna here.
You're conspiring with them,
aren't you?
You're conspiring with them,
scaly fork-tongued bastards?
I think you need
to have some water, Ranger Billy.
Who's Ranger Billy?
I'm Ecknatingau!
I'm...
I'm about to shit myself!
Move!
Ew, slut!
What slut?
I heard you bin sniffing around
with John?
Who John? I sniff biggest mob.
No wonder your nose
is so out of shape, slut.
You look like
big, black Miss Piggy on heat.
Anyway, can't even walk.
(Gasps) Can't even exercise.
(Gasps) Well, what about
this then, slut?
(Grunts)
Well, what's this then, slut?
(Grunts)
Well, what's this then, slut?
What's this then, slut?
Well, what's this then, slut?
Well, what's this then, slut?
(Grunts)
Well, what's this then, slut?
Well, what's this then slut?
What's this?
Well, what's this... then, slut?
(Grunts)
What's this then, slut?
(Both pant)
Well, what's this then, slut?
What's this then, slut?
What's...
This then...
Slut?
Slut.
Excuse me.
You've parked in my spot.
It's a cultural thing.
It's cultural.
No, you see,
this is a disabled parking spot.
I had to park
all the way over there.
Yeah, but I'm Aboriginal,
so it doesn't really apply to me.
Yeah, but I am disabled.
Being Aboriginal in this country
can be a disability.
I can barely move my legs.
But whose land can you
barely move your legs on?
Think about it.
You stole my parking spot!
Ironic, isn't it?
No. It's not actually ironic, no.
Disabled parking spots are for
disabled people, not black people.
Well, should I just go
to the back of the bus, then?
What are you?
A racist?
I'm disabled!
Yeah, you are.
(Electronic voice) Excuse me.
You are both in my spot.
And I'm a lesbian.
I'm really sorry.
I'll just move.
So sorry.
I'll move straightaway. OK?
L-O-L. L-O-L.
REPORTER, V/O: Earlier today
a group of tourists were rescued
after being lost for three days.
They suffered exposure,
but all are said to be doing well,
except for the Aboriginal ranger
who suffered hallucinations
and extreme diarrhoea
after consuming poisonous berries.
I'm Rosalind Sailor reporting live
from Nelliman National Park.