Black Books (2000–2004): Season 3, Episode 5 - Travel Writer - full transcript

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew

Bernard, another solicitor's letter.

Put it with the others.

- Maybe you should read it.
- (Sighs)

What is this?

Well, the woman upstairs
wants her ?170-a-month ground rent.

She doesn't need any more money.

She's already got
all the blue hair and toffee

and pop socks a person could want.

- There's nothing you can do.
- Go and tell her to stop.

Or we'll cut the brakes
on her StairMaster.



No time. I'm setting up the shop
for the Festival of Travel Writing.

- What festival?
- The one you said Manny could have.

I don't remember agreeing to that.

Remember that night last week
when you slept in a revolving door?

- No.
- Remember you ran out of tobacco

so you smoked your own pubic hair?

Not especially, no.

It was in-between those two things.

- I've had an idea for your event.
- Great.

Everyone can vote for what they think
is the most stylish city in Europe.

- (Laughs)
- At the end of the week, you...

- Oh. (Chuckles)
- What?

Oh, Europe. You are funny, Fran.

I hardly think your little jaunts
to Europe count as travel.



Well, pardon me!

This isn't a festival for tourists.

An explorer is coming to give a talk.

The... the legendary,
famously charming Jason Hamilton.

Let's have a look, then. Every one
of these blurbs says he's charming.

"I was swept away on a wave of charm.

"I was immolated in a firewall
of charm and charisma.

"I almost exploded from the
concentration of charm on the page."

I bet you I can open this anywhere

and find this fop
posing on a Jeep, looking smug.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Let's see.

Oh, God, look at him!

Look at that love-me smile.

I know his sort,
a full-time approval junkie.

He's brilliant. He's a giant in his field.

Manny, can I be the first
to say, "Oo-oo-oooh"?

You gonna scratch his name
on your pencil box?

Manny, run me through this again.

Right. Basically, there's
the leaseholders and freeholders.

There's two types of leaseholder.

There's common-law leaseholder
and private leaseholders, which are...

Stop! Stop saying those words!
Give me that. I'm going upstairs.

I'll deal with this,
like I deal with everything. Everything!

Hanley! Hanley, come out,
you bloodsucker! Hanley!

Miss Hanley is dead.
She died in the night.

I don't care. I mean, how awful!

You're the new owner.
Explain this bollocks.

I'm a solicitor.
Miss Hanley left this flat to Mr Benson.

What did you want to query, Mr...?

Black. I'll talk directly with him.

I don't want any legal fidgy-widginess
upsetting natural justice.

Benson. Benson. Benson?

Where is he?

Mr Benson is in the bread bin.

I said no legal fidgy-widginess.

I want to see the owner,
I want to see them now.

- And I want...
- (Meows)

He likes to sleep there.

- What d'you want to say to him?
- I'm not paying this.

- If you don't, you'll go to prison.
- I'm not talking to you.

Fine. Well, if that's all,
I've got a meeting.

Who with? Canary in Canary Wharf?

A fox with stocks? You can't leave
an animal in here. He'll go insane.

It's Miss Hanley's will, so it's law.

Yeah? Well, you don't intimidate me,
Miss... Purcell Harding LaTouche

MSc, LLB, MA, DPhil, MBE,

- Rowing blue, grade two...
- (Door slams)

Right. Er... hair loose. Loose.
Free as the wind.

Ponytail. Ponytail? Frizzled. Ooh!

- Oh.
- Expecting someone?

- Might be.
- It's that Jason thingy, isn't it?

Well, he said he might drop round
to see where he was doing his talk.

- Let's have a sample.
- Don't touch the display!

Manny, isn't it?

The shop that time forgot.

I thought I'd been to
all the uncharted areas of the globe.

This is great! It's got bags of character.

(Simpering laugh)

H... (Clears throat) Hello, Jason.

It's lovely to meet you. Really.
I'm a great admirer of your work

and your life and...
Watch out, a crocodile!

(Laughs hysterically)
Behind you! Look!

It's not really.
It's an inflatable one l-I put up there.

Just a... just a little one. (Chuckles)

(High-pitched giggle)

So... so, where are you going
on your next adventure?

I thought maybe Borneo. The real
Borneo, not the jungle nonsense.

The ice caves under the jungle.

Right. I'll tell you
where you should go - Venezuela.

- Dear old Venny. You been there?
- Yes, I have, actually.

I went kayaking
in the swamps of the barracas.

- North or south?
- North.

North, the tourist swamps. Yeah.

I went to the south.
The south are the real swamps.

The northern ones are pretty swampy.

They're nothing.

So, Jason, this talk - how d'you
wanna do it? I've got a few ideas.

Hi. How's it going?

- It's too soon to tell if I like it or not.
- I know what you mean.

I won't find out if I keep
being interrupted, will I?

Someone like you would love Mugumbi.

How can you know? I might hate it.

I don't think so. They all worship
a goddess remarkably like you.

A sort of panther-woman.
Same pale skin, thick jet hair,

slumberous eyes. For a minute, I...

I thought I was back at the temple.

(Giggles hysterically)

Bernard, I wonder if you might
have a word with Fran.

Tell her I'm looking after Jason
and he doesn't appreciate her flirting.

- Shh!
- (Meowing)

You hear that? He's up there, mewing
in the nerve centre of his empire.

A hike in rent here, tax dodge there.

He sticks his leg in the air,
laughs his cat-laugh

and then he dives back
to grooming his balls.

- You can't hear that, surely.
- I've heard enough.

It's all very well for you,
flouncing about after Captain Pants.

You don't know what I go through
with this cat. I hate all cats!

You're probably more of a dog person.
Let's get a dog for the shop.

I think not. The one we have
doesn't do much for me.

We don't have a dog. Ooh! Ooh!

What's he like, then,
this overgrown schoolboy?

Thinks Britain
still owns the world, obviously.

- Don't talk about Jason in that way.
- He's magnificent.

I see he got to you pretty quick.

Hey.

- Jason!
- Hi, Jase.

Thought I'd pop into
my favourite book emporium.

Doctor Black, I presume?

You don't look like much of an explorer.

You look like you've been
exploring luxury hotels.

Why not write about that?

The Cote d'Azur - One Man's Struggle
With 100% Egyptian Cotton Sheets.

You've got a fine shop here
and you say what you feel.

I'd like to shake you by the hand.

(Simpering laugh)

That's my chair, d'you want to sit in that?

You didn't even make him any tea!

- Would you like some tea?
- Wonderful.

- I was gonna make tea.
- So was I!

It'll be ready in a minute.

Nice cups.

Hm-hm. Biscuits.

The nice biscuits.

My biscuit. Jason can have my biscuit.

Hah.

(Chuckles)

(Giggles) Oh.

The biscuit!
Jason's special biscuit!

Right! You thing!

That's it! Say goodbye, Mr Benson.

You have just pulled
the tinkly bell of death!

- You had dust on your knees.
- Thank you, Fran.

- All set for the talk?
- I am.

- Good. Everything all right?
- Absolutely fine.

There is one little thing.
Only a very small thing.

- You are standing rather close.
- Oh. Sorry.

- Is this all right?
- That's fine.

Excuse me, are you Jason Hamilton?

Get away from him! Get away.

He doesn't want people crowding him.
Just get out. You're barred.

So sorry, Jason. Oh!

- So sorry, Jason.
- Wanted to have a chat to you two.

This trip to Borneo for the next book...

It's so much more rewarding
if you have a companion.

A fellow voyager.
Manny, you've travelled a lot.

Don't you think Fran would be
the perfect companion for the trip?

Fran, I don't need a yes or no now.

Yes!

No. You don't want this... this...
No offence, Fran. Mopsy!

You need someone with
a few miles under their belt. A man.

Or a woman. But a man!
A seasoned traveller.

The sort of man who's got a penknife
and an emergency backup penknife.

Maybe you underestimate
your friend, Manny.

Now, Fran. Would you say
that you had jungle experience -

bearing in mind
it could be handy on this trip.

- Does Corfu count?
- You've been to Corfu?

No.

- Anything else?
- I'm a trained field doctor.

I can fix a Jeep in a hurricane.
And I speak 32 African languages.

- Borneo is, of course, in Asia.
- Yes. Yes. 32 Asian languages.

That's settled then.
Manny, you're doing it again.

So, let me guess. Mice.
No. Wait. You've got cockroaches.

Yeah, we do. But don't touch them,
it would upset the bat.

Listen... I want you
to deal with this... thing.

It's a really horrible thing.
I can't even properly describe it.

- Essentially, it's a cat.
- Take it to the cattery.

No. Look, I want you, you know, to...

(Whistles) I want you to take care
of business with this cat, OK?

- Can I make it any clearer?
- You could, actually.

OK, he dies tonight. How about that?

No. I could never harm a cat.

Come on, you're a pest guy.
You kill things.

Only vermin. I love animals.
I'm saving up to go to vet school.

Yeah, but you know, this is like...

It's one cat, it's nothing.
Badda-bing, badda-meow!

You disgust me. An innocent
little creature like that. Goodbye.

A grand.

Thousand pounds. In cash.
You'd be out of this stuff.

Tomorrow you'll be giving
an aardvark a skin graft.

You wouldn't even like this cat.
He's a bully. He sprays everywhere.

He's up there now,
out of his mind on nip.

Nobody needs to know.

OK. Bring a bag and bleach

and three tins of Royal Meow.

- Fran.
- Mm?

I'd like to have a word with you.
Just as a friend, you understand.

I think that Jason might want you

as something more than
just a travelling companion.

If you... follow me.

If you... get my meaning.

If you... catch my drift. Hm?

You mean we might be in a situation

where because of cramped conditions
we'd have to... Oh, goodness.

Yes... bunk up.

Together. You know
what that means, don't you?

I don't need to bring any sleeping gear.

It'll be too hot to hock around
two shag-bags. Thanks, Manny.

Oh! You're just doing it for kicks.

It's my one chance to trek with my hero.

Oh, Manny. It really does
mean a lot to you, doesn't it?

It was the whole point
of me being born.

I know.

But he picked me.

(Chatting)

- Another canap?, Jason?
- Thanks. Can we, er, make a start?

Oh, right. Yes. Right.

OK.

So... OK.

Erm, "Welcome...

"to Black Books."

(Chuckles) "And now,
who do we have for you today?

"Someone who is
to travel and adventure...

"but while he was waiting he got me!"

Sorry, sorry,
I've got a bit of a mix-up there.

Wait. Sorry. Er...

Yes, then there was gonna be
a joke and an anecdote.

And another joke. Erm... quite
a good one, about rice. (Laughs)

OK. Right. Erm...

"So, without further ado,
please welcome Jason...

"Hamilton..."

Thank you. Thanks.
It's a pleasure to be back in London.

I've just come back from
an expedition to the Orinoco Basin,

the only place you'll find
the Bearded Howler Monkey.

Or so I thought. Until I met Manny.

(Laughs hysterically)

(Pretends to laugh)

- He's not here, I'm going home.
- Wait. Come back. Sit down.

He won't come.
Cats have got a sixth sense.

Shut up!

Here. He's a cat.
He doesn't have any sense.

This won't work. They'll find out.

Relax. Just pop him when he comes in.
I'll take care of the body.

- How?
- I don't know.

Put a knife in his back and leave him
slumped over the desk in the library.

(Laughter)

Thanks. So, what about the next trip?

Well, I'm going to...
Fran, if you please.

Borneo. One of the last
truly great wildernesses on earth.

- We'll be attempting to... Yeah?
- Erm, yah.

Your books read like imperialistic tracts.

Do you really think you can anatomise
a whole culture in a few pages?

- What's your name?
- Bridget.

I write from a western perspective
cos that's my cultural background.

- That's enough questions.
- Stick around. We'll talk it over after.

I'd love to! (Giggles)

I'd like to show you
the effects of mud erosion

on a primitive office block. Fran.

It never goes away, the guilt.

Mice in wedding dresses
appear in your dreams.

Whole families of roaches
stand there in silent accusation.

- Would you shut up? He'll hear us.
- (Meowing)

Now. Come on.

I can't!

Come on, he wants you to shoot him!

What am I? What have I become?

Aaagghh!

(Crashing)

(Tuts)

Here, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty.

- And this is where...
- (Gunshot, meowing)

- Manny, can we stop the noise?
- I'll sort it out.

- Leave it to me, Jason.
- I'm dealing with it.

Oh! Wait. Wait!
Me first, me first!

Bernard!

- Ahh!
- (Meowing)

Stop this! Jason is very annoyed.

Bugger Jason. Actually, how is he?

You come downstairs
and apologise. Right now!

OK.

He's not really mad at me, is he?

(Sighs) Look what you've done.
Didn't even get to phone him a taxi.

He must have left a note for me.
We're leaving tomorrow.

Nobody move.

Bernard, I think
we should talk about this.

- OK. Sure. We'll talk about it.
- Good.

Right after I kill the cat.

(Gunshot)

So you admit you deliberately
stepped in front of the bullet?

Yes.

And wantonly sprayed blood
from your head all over the shop?

Yes.

Before wasting time writhing around
on an "emergency" operating table?

- Yes.
- Sign here.

No wages for seven years.

That cat could be where he belongs -
in hell, being chased by giant mice.

I can't believe Jason went off
with that harpy. Have you read this?

"Sorry, Fran,
you didn't have enough experience.

"Never mind. I'm sure Bridget
will turn out to be very handy indeed."

I can't believe we fell for him, Manny.
Charm. Pffthh!

I saw through him straightaway.

I just played along with him
to confuse him.

- Enough. Who's making the tea?
- Make it yourself.

Yeah. I'm never doing
anything for anyone again.

I'm not thinking about Jason.
Or what he's doing.

I've spent my whole time
not thinking about him since he left.

- I wish I could have a cup of tea.
- Oh, for God's... Oh.

Make it yourse...

- I'll get the tea.
- No, I will, Jason.

(Both giggle)

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew