Black Books (2000–2004): Season 3, Episode 4 - A Little Flutter - full transcript

Bernard! It's nearly on! Come on.

- What's on?
- It. Come on!

You happy? You happy now?
Here's your goddamn book store.

Nyuh nyuh nyuh nyuh nyuh.

Hey, mister. You got anything
on armouries, weaponry?

Military history is on your right.

I don't want your little history grotto.

I want modern warfare.
Infrared. Fallout. Kill zones.

On your right. If you need help,
fire some rounds into the ceiling.

Bernard...

Ow!



- ?30.
- Hey, that's expensive!

Will you shut up
and pay the Scotch man?

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

- What?
- Come on!

It's Grand National day.
Look, I got us a runner each.

Is this what you spend your
pocket money on - filthy gambling?

It's not really gambling.

It's a moment when
the whole nation comes together,

like the opening
of a Richard Curtis movie

or the manhunt for a serial killer.

You're Inner Space and I'm Herr Schmidt.

Eh?

And they're off! Look!
Come on, come on.



Over they go.
Come on, boy, girl, or whatever you are.

- Oh, he fell.
- What happens when they fall?

They give them oats, then shoot them
in the head. But yours is still in.

You put our money on
this circus of death. You disgust me!

Come on! Come on!
Come on, you... Jimmy! Jimmy!

Come on.

'... at eight to one
wins the Grand National. '

Bernard, you came second
but I put on an each-way bet.

- That means you still win.
- I win?

- How much?
- Well, let me see.

It was 12-1, but it was
an each-way so...

?1.50.

- How do I collect it?
- You take the slip back. I'll do it.

All right.

- Now, listen.
- Wh...?

Don't. Lose. This.

Yah! All I need is some kind of system.

Tuh! There's only one system -

bet, lose, borrow, steal,

lose, take the drugs... lose, prison,

death.

Don't get pious, you started me off.

That's just a flutter.
This is Satan's bingo.

- Well, I was born to win.
- Oh, yeah?

- All right, heads or tails?
- Heads.

All right, I'll give you that one.

- Right, here we go.
- Tails.

You had two kisses from Lady Luck.

Now she's gonna
knee you in the rattlers.

- Tails.
- Yeah, but sooner or later...

I'll run out of money.
Fran, have you got a pound?

No. Can't waste money. Gotta get
a new outfit for my job interview.

I'm feeling confident.
I'm gonna get this job.

You don't stand a chance.

Nobody would employ you
because you're unemployable.

I'd like to help you but I can't,
because you're so totally useless.

You could let me
do a couple of days here.

Then I can say I'm currently working.

We could work together. It'd be fun.

We could read magazines and speculate
about famous people's sexuality.

This place is already
riddled with life-sucking parasites.

Oh, give me a job. Just till the interview.

No, Fran, he's changed.
He's on the gee-gees now.

Bernard.

Bernard!

I bet you...

20 quid I'm so hopeless
I never get another job ever.

I'll give you a job.
You start tomorrow. Ha! Ha! Ha!

- Colleague.
- Co-worker.

Right. You, keep an eye on her.
And you, keep an eye on him.

I've got a universe to master.

The boss is away. Even better!

- I brought croissants.
- Hooray!

Aha... So, what did you see
on TV last night?

Didn't watch it.
Don't watch much TV. What about you?

No. Wasn't much on.

"Please may I have a bet
on Via Appia in the Lingfield race

"at 3:30 this afternoon? Thank you.

"I will bet ten pounds
that this horse wins.

"Here is my ten pounds. Thank you.

"I hope it wins.
Yours faithfully, Bernard Black. "

Now, this is the desk
and this is the chair.

- I know. Now, I thought...
- Don't interrupt.

This is the till and this stays on the desk.

- The chair remains next to the desk.
- Stop.

This is a woman who ran
her own business for years.

- Come on, there's work to do.
- You're keen. I like that.

But wait. This is the book.

Now, when we make a sale,
it goes in the book.

The title goes here, the cost goes here.

At the end of the day, we add up.

Where's the running total?

- It... You don't need one.
- We'll keep a running total.

- There's no column for it.
- Yes, there is.

The... the... the book! The book!

Come on! Come on! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Bastard!

- Bad day?
- No, it's good.

I've had it with this caper.

So you haven't stuck anything
on Au Naturel in the five o'clock.

- Shame. Can't lose.
- Yeah, yeah.

Why can't it... we lose?

It loves the soft. The jockey has
only eaten minted peas for a month

and they're trying
to put his house on the race.

- Au Naturel in the five o'clock.
- That's 100-1.

What? No, no.

- Which horse, then?
- Erm... French Pie.

You think it's the right decision -
you're giving me that look.

Wryly amused and also
faintly disgusted and depressed.

There you go, French Pie.

'And it's Au Naturel,
the winner by six lengths.

'Over to Newbury for the six o'clock. '

You should have listened.
Still, no big thing, eh?

- She drew a line with a big, blue...
- He's useless, he has no idea...

Silence! Nobody can speak
unless they're holding... this pencil.

- May I have the pencil? I wish to speak.
- No.

Now, it has come
to my attention this morning,

while reviewing my portfolio, that
I cannot afford to pay two employees.

- That's not fair cos...
- An interesting situation.

So, what I'm prepared to do is

you can have a week in which
to sell as many books as possible.

Whoever sells the most gets to keep
the one job I am offering.

- That's not fair. I would...
- And the most important point is...

Whenever you see me -
I can't stress this enough -

you give me, immediately,
all the money.

He has no idea what money looks like.

She's messing up the whole system.

- Bernard...
- It's not fair because...

- I saw her first.
- The bitch is mine.

Wuh...

Hi. Can I help?

- I'm looking for a light holiday read.
- Perhaps these may appeal.

Browse me.

Money. Now.

It's my interview tomorrow,
so we have to shut the shop.

- It's not fair otherwise.
- Objection!

Upheld. Books must be sold,
money made.

Ha! You're toast. T-O-E-A-R-S-T.
Toearst.

All yours.

- What's the next race?
- There's none. We're closing.

I can't stop now, I'm winning.

We'll make our own race,
you against Pat.

I'll put 60 quid on you,
you look nippy.

We're closing.

It's always the same, isn't it?

Just when you break your streak.

- D'you ever play poker?
- Hm? No.

No, I can never remember the rules.

Although... No.

- Shame. There's a game tomorrow.
- Really? Where? Near? Far? Where?

Just... You know Dante's mini-cabs?

- Yeah.
- It's big money. 9am.

I'll see you there.

- Who knows how to play poker?
- Me.

You're gonna teach me.
I've got 12 hours to learn.

- Who's got cards?
- Me. In my room.

Good. You can play as well.

- Who's doing nothing?
- Me.

Good. You can fetch the cards.

And then... I have spoken!

OK, the first thing about poker...

Wait. We need whisky,
like in the movies. And background jazz.

You. Mr guy. Whisky, jazz.

Right. I've got a seven, a two,
two queens and a nine.

Well, I've got... an ace.

- And?
- And a king.

And a two. And a seven.

And... Mrs Bun, the baker's wife.

- We'll say Mrs Bun is another ace.
- Hah! I win.

- No, I win. Three of a kind.
- What's that?

A pair, two pair,
three of a kind, a run, a flush,

full house, four of a kind,
straight flush, royal flush.

- How do you know all that?
- My grandad taught me.

Then my granny taught me how to cheat.
Before she got shot in Reno.

- Teach me to cheat. It's quicker.
- It's not. You have to rig the deck.

- You try.
- Yeah, well.

That looked pretty easy, actually.

Pull that and...

Bernard. In you come.

Everyone, this is Bernard.

Bernard, this is everyone.

This is Mickey "One Eye" Swayne.

"Undertaker" Jones.

- Lily "The Dazzler" Thompson.
- Hello.

Jimmy "The Illustrated, Blind, Solid
Silver Bitch" Stakopopolips III.

- Oh. Right.
- And Dave "Mouse Ear" Smith.

Dealer's choice.
We're playing Lebanese Southern Cross.

40/80 the ante, fives and twos are wilds.
No raising before the button.

I don't want any show-boating,
coffee-housing, auntie's drawers.

Minimum three aces to start.
Minimum bet one ton. Let's play.

- I don't know if I'm ready for this.
- Just be sure I can see your cards.

- I'll tell you when to bet.
- Would you?

Thanks very much. Call again.

Ah. Did you win or lose?

It's hard to say.

All right. Have you got
more money or less money?

- That's complicated.
- You've got no money.

Yeah.

- What is the problem?
- No problem.

If you want to put on a bet of one pound,
I'll be glad to accept that bet.

As soon as you can find the other 93p.

Bernard. Next game, three o'clock today.

Forget it, I'm cleaned out.

That's no big thing.

Let's nip to my office, have a diet yogurt
and maybe I can help you out.

No, I couldn't do that. No.

- The thing is, mate, you need a bankroll.
- Yeah, I had some good cards.

Just not in the right hand
or in the right order.

Your moves were amazing. You kept
on losing but you kept on going.

That's what makes a gambler.
That crowd were scared.

- They've already got a nickname for you.
- Really?

Usually it takes years.

- What, like Tex or Doc or...?
- No.

They call you The Gold Mine.

Bernard, I can help you
but I need some cover.

I don't have a car or anything.

- Any stock or business concern?
- No. I...

I dunno. A shop?

Would... would a shop do?

Well, seeing as it's you... sign there.

How much should I borrow? Thousand?

- Or 10,000.
- Or 10... 10,000.

- Oh.
- We're closed. Oh, it's you. Sorry.

Why aren't you selling books?

My head'll explode if we do.

You know what Bernard's done?

He's played us off against each other

- to feed his filthy habit.
- You're right.

- How was the job interview?
- Oh, un... brilliant.

Staying awake till 8am
drinking whisky and teaching poker

was not strictly tactical.

I fell asleep in the lobby.

At least you didn't punch anyone
and puke up in your handbag.

- Fold.
- Call.

Hm.

OK. A th... th... thousand.

- Call it.
- Fold.

- I'll call your grand.
- I'll call.

Fold.

Call.

So, what have you got, big boy?

These ones.

They won't beat a full house,
aces on sevens.

- Unlucky, Mouse.
- You out, then?

- No. Can you front me another 100?
- Piss off.

- Come on, a hundred quid.
- No.

You're out of the game now, Bernard.
You've got six hours to pay.

So, it's the ten grand
plus 100%/% interest. That's 20.

Or your shop. Or your legs.

You know what'll happen?
He'll come in and he'll say...

"Fran, Manny, help me. I'm in trouble. "

- Fran, Manny, help me...
- Hi. Are you in trouble?

Yeah. I have to find... 20 grand.

In the next six hours.

Or, er, get evicted from my shop.

Or my legs. Erm...

So don't... For now we'll just think.
We'll think...

You happy now? We found it again.

I don't like this book. I want a refund.

No. Go away, we're closed!
Bugger off back to Australia!

What am I gonna do?

Manny, d'you still have those funny
sunglasses you got in Whitstable?

Yeah, in the bathroom.
You think they're funny?

I'm gonna be homeless. And short.

- And you're chatting!
- Relax.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Look, a real English bookie's.

You happy now?
All day long in Madame Tussaud's.

I miss the action, yadda-yadda.

What's this? This is no good.
What is this with the tiny televisions?

Let's go someplace we can play cards.

Why d'you wanna play cards? You lose.

Ah, come on. I saw The Tower,
the goddamn queen.

Hello. Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.

If you're interested,
there is a little game on this afternoon.

Anything. Anything to make him shut up.

Could I sit in to see
he doesn't lose too much?

100 grand here, 100 grand there...

- It adds up.
- That's not a problem.

OK, you can have this on one condition.
You never... gamble again.

- OK, I won't. Give, give.
- Uh-uh-uh.

You must swear that from now on
you will lead a wholesome life.

You will stick to a modest range
of breakfast wines.

At table, you will use
at least a knife and a fork.

And your hand will fondle
not card nor dice nor the gelding.

OK, OK. I swear! Can you come on?
I've got about 20 minutes

before I'm scratching my stumps
in a cardboard box.

Can I just say you were fantastic
back there?

- Really? No, you were the star.
- No, you were.

When I said, "What's that big,
famous clock by the river?"

- And you said...
- I said, "You know, Big Bill. "

That was class.

And you, don't blow it, OK?
Just act casual.

They don't call me The Gold Mine
for nothing.

19,980, 20,000. All there.

- Er... where'd you get it all from?
- Oh, I broke my streak.

I got lucky on a horse.

What's it called?

Hm? Oh, what was it?

Erm... Big Bill.

Right.