Black Books (2000–2004): Season 3, Episode 2 - Elephants and Hens - full transcript

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew

Smoking makes you dead.

It means you get all black inside
and swell up like a whale,

and explode in hospital.

Daddy says criminals
and bad people smoke.

Timmy? He's not bothering you, is he?

Not at all, no,
but no ice cream in the shop.

- I don't have an ice cream.
- I think Timmy's telling a naughty fib.

For goodness' sake. Outside, now!

No books for you.

- I'm so sorry.
- Not at all.



"'My, what a lovely carrot,'
said the hippo.

'Yes, but is it organic?'
Said the fussy rabbit in a squeaky voice."

Oh, sorry. (Squeaky voice) "'Yes,
but is it organic? ' said the..."

- Bernard. Bernard!
- What?

It's hot in the worm. Can I have a break?

You'd shatter the magic
for the lovely children,

so no, certainly not.

"'No, it's not organic,' said the hippo.

'Oh, I don't want it then,'
said the fussy rabbit." Ow.

Ow! Look, it's a real beard, I told you!

I'm finished.
They're picking me up for the hen night.

A big, old house in the country.
It'll be brilliant.

I doubt it, since your night begins
with the word "hen", prefix of doom...

It'll be great -
all the old school gang back together.



- I thought you hated school?
- I never said that.

I just look at your life now
and work backwards.

- Bernard.
- You haven't finished, worm!

What happened to the rabbit?

He... starved to death. The end.

Look, I could write
a better kids' book than this.

Pretty pictures, simple story, something
for the little tykes to really enjoy.

See the film, collect the stickers,
play the Xbox game, eat the yoghurt.

It'll be my gift
to children-kind everywhere.

Everyone thinks they could write one.
It's not that easy.

It is. They go for any old rubbish.

- Children are actually very discerning.
- They're not, they lap up any old gumph.

Not gumph! Let's write a children's
classic. You and me, together!

- You two could never do it.
- We could! Before you even get back.

OK. By tomorrow. A million
billion pounds says you have nothing.

Oh, the old million billion.
Make it interesting - say 50?

OK.

And another 50 says you have
an appalling, excruciating night.

Oh, Fran, you forgot your bag!

(Grunts)

(Fran) Look, there it is
(Woman) Oh, fantastic!

(Fran) Let's make a huge dinner.

(Woman) No, don't let me eat!
Chain me to the radiator.

(Fran) Oh, yeah, yeah! Come on! Oh!

- Now... booze.
- Oh, yes.

Oh. Is that enough?

Oh, great, we've got loads!

(Continues unloading bottles)

Did you bring anything else, Dr Death?

- Just this.
- Oh, my God. Life Cry.

I haven't seen that
since our school reunion.

(Sighs) You always know
you're in for a good night

when there's a polar bear
bleeding on the label.

Manny, we haven't written anything!
You're not pulling your weight.

Manny? Agree with me
when I'm talking to you!

Manny?

- Manny?
- (Thud)

- Manny?
- Hello?

Back in the worm.

- I don't want to.
- Back in the worm!

I've been ready to write for ages,
I've been waiting for you.

- Well, I've been waiting for you.
- I'm ready.

Well, I'm ready.

Let's start then. Come on.

(Clears throat)

- We should do some research!
- So we know what we're up against!

Yeah.

Here we go.

(Manny) Hmm.

- Hmph! Ha!
- (Laughs) Look at...

I hadn't realised
the competition was this bad.

This is drivel.
Ball, duck, umbrella. On and on it goes.

With no hint of plot.

Precisely. Now we know
just how easy it's gonna be.

Yeah.

All right, then. Get that...

Ha! Right.

- We have to think about children.
- Absolutely!

- Let us consider the modern child.
- Yes.

What do they want in a book?

Who cares?

We have to write for ourselves
as children.

You know, when innocence was legal.
When summers seemed to go on forever.

A-A-And you'd cycle miles
just to tell a friend you'd seen a frog.

(Chuckles) When you could play
in your back yard with any old thing.

All I needed was a... was a breeze block.

And... and a bit of an old bone.

I bet you could make whole worlds?

Oh, I could! One minute I'd be laying
siege to a castle with a bit of an old bone

and the next minute
I'd be setting sail on a Spanish galleon

towards a breeze block.

- Mm. Come on, let's start.
- Yes.

Right. Here we go.

Ah. Right...

I'm so happy for you
and your lovely fianc?.

- (Whispers) Mark...
- (All) Ahh...

Now, speeches.

Now, Becky... I love you.

- (All) Ahh...
- Don't interrupt!

Look, we have known each other
for a long time.

- (Belches)
- But what's time?

There's no such thing, there's only love.

- Ahh...
- Don't interrupt!

I love you, all the time.

I would like to say...

No, brides don't say. Right...

- Eat cake.
- Ahh.

(Cheering)

- (# Bananarama: Venus)
- Barmanararmba!

# Burning like a silver flame

# The summit of beauty and love

# And Venus was her name... #

(Sighs) Manny Bianco, nul points. My go.

(Phone)

- Hello.
- Wah-hey!

Oh, hello.

Just thought you'd want to hear the
sound of four girls having the best time.

(Cheering)

Yeah, yeah,
I bet you're crying on the inside.

- How's the book coming?
- Brilliant. Very well.

- Fran, come and dance!
- I'm just listening to Bernard lying!

And remember, ?100, and I want cash,
not forged book tokens this time.

Becky! Tell me you're happy.

I'm so happy,
and any more would be bad.

Well, it gets better...
for now is the time...

- for Life Cry.
- No, Fran, no more.

But yes, and we shall play a game.

- No, no games...
- Games!

- (Music stops)
- Remember this?

It's time for a nice game of... Truth.

Oh, I hate that.

Maybe you'll enjoy it more
after some more cake.

- No, no more cake, please.
- Games! Cake! Booze! Truth!

- We can't let her win. Come on, to work.
- Right.

- OK. OK.
- Here we go. Er, book for...

- Kids.
- Kids.

All right, let's just, you know,
get some ideas bouncing around.

- Go crazy, no rules...
- Anything goes.

No, not anything goes! I said no rules!

- Hit me, hit me.
- Right. Something...

er... with a... a fox!

No.

Right. Er... Ah!

What about a London pigeon?

No, that's terrible,
that makes me cringe. No, no, no, no.

Something, you know, something...
How about... how about...

How about a mouse?
Now we're getting somewhere! A mouse.

Now, who is this mouse?
Where is he from, where's he going?

Where does he live?

Er, he lives... he lives...

This had better be good.
It better be perfect.

He lives in a... bottle bank!

Oh-ho! Brilliant! Fabulous!

Er, and, er, he... he plays the trombone!

Keep going.

And, er, he only eats...

- liquorice!
- Manny, this is solid gold. Solid gold!

His... his best friend is a panda!

No! No! No!

Awful! Bilge!

Child poison!
You stay away from the story.

I'll deal with the plot. You can...
do pictures as I hand you the pages.

Something bright and idiotic.

And I will co-write this with myself.

- Huh? Huh?
- Ah.

Ah-ha-ha.

Yah!

Hah-hah. Huh?

That's rubbish!

Start again!

So what do you think?

It's, erm, it's brilliant.

Er, it might be a little long
at a 1,030 pages.

Well, we could lose about a page
and a half but the rest is totally essential.

The plot's... interesting. Might be
a little complex for the three to sixes.

It couldn't be simpler.

There's the academic
who survived the Stalinist purges

and is now having flashbacks
to that time.

His daughter, whose long marriage
is collapsing around her,

and the journalist who suspects
the academic was never in Russia,

who falls obsessively in love
with the daughter

and sacrifices his career
to become a lens grinder in Omsk.

I mean... what's the problem? I don't think
we should talk down to children.

It's... Bernard, it's brilliant. It is.
It's so good. I mean, I'm excited -

I'm very excited about how excited
everybody will be when they see it.

It is exciting.

I just have two teeny-weeny
suggestions for changes.

- Which are?
- Well...

instead of... the, er,

academic
and the journalist and the daughter,

erm, perhaps it could be about...
an elephant?

- An elephant?
- That's right.

I see.

What's your other suggestion?

Well, instead of the Stalinist purges
and the divorce and the investigation,

erm, it could be about... losing a balloon.

An elephant who loses his balloon?

That's it.

(Mouths)

- But still my story in essence?
- Oh, yes.

- My vision.
- Completely.

Yes, all right, let's do that then! Come on!

Oh, look, it's me again.

Here's one. Tanya,
I told Hugh Conti, remember,

that you were the one
who gave him crabs.

You wouldn't do that.

- Why did you do that?
- He was really itchy!

(Cackling)

Who's next?

I can't believe you kissed my dad.

Why didn't you tell us you were the one
stealing clothes from college?

- We were freaked out!
- I was young.

- Have you still got my dress?
- No. I made it into toilet curtains.

As we're playing Truth, Fran,
I think you're a bit jealous.

That's why you got us pissed
and made us play your stupid game,

- to bring us down to your level.
- Who am I jealous of?

- I've got a career.
- (Scoffs)

- I've got a job and a family.
- (Scoffs)

- I'm getting married.
- (Scoffs)

And you are still
the same old Auntie Millicent.

Who... who's Auntie Millicent?

It was what we used to call you,

because we knew
you'd turn into a crazy spinster.

And you have, hanging out with
your two freaks from the book shop.

(Laughter)

It was, wasn't it?! Oh, yes, Auntie
Millicent who lived in the crooked house.

- With loads of cats.
- That's right - purple cats.

- And you had sex with them all.
- (Laughing)

At least I didn't have a threesome
with Mark after the school reunion.

Oh, did I just say that?

- Becky, we were going to tell you...
- Obviously we were going to tell you,

just not like this.

Do you know what, Fran? You could
have just kept your mouth shut.

Exactly, Fran - least said...

Shut up, Tanya!

I was... waiting for the right time
to tell you, Becky.

Like her anniversary or something?

(# Bananarama: More More More)

# Any time you want to
do what you gotta do... #

Anyone for a nightcap?

# How do you like it, how do you like it?

# More more more,
how do you like it? #

(Slurring) I'm going to read it again.

There's the elephant,
he's happy with his balloon.

Oh, no! It's gone!

Where is it?

It's not behind the rhino.

Look in the alligator's mouth.

(Both) It's not there either.

Ohh... the monkey's got it in the tree!

- He brings it back...
- (Both) They all drink lemonade.

The end!

- Here's to us.
- (Sighs)

Bernard, I feel sorry for the children
who grew up before they could read this.

Manny, we are going to be...
very very rich.

How rich, Bernard?

Oh, uncontrollably, incontinently rich.

- And... and Fran will be humiliated.
- Yeah!

See, we don't need
this dirty, filthy everyday money.

Success will bring problems.

I don't wanna wake up
in rehab with Shergar.

What problems? We're on the pig's back,
charging through a velvet field.

There will be pressure for a follow-up.

People will say, "You are the elephant
balloon guys! Where's the next one?"

Who cares? Who cares what
our disgusting public think?

And all the houses -
you'll be in your Mustique house.

You'll think,
"Where's my designer underpants?

"Oh, in my Kong Hong house."

- Oh, no!
- And there's the press intrusion.

The press, will they be onto us?

Bernard, they'll hound us
like a pack of... hounds!

But I'm not doing anything.

I'm just strolling up the beach with my
discreetly pregnant Brazilian girlfriend.

And then the boat appears
with... laden with pappa-ritzy,

- and I'll say, "You filth!"
- Filth!

"Take a photo of me if you must,
but leave her out of it!

"She didn't ask for any of this.
She's just an ordinary lingerie model."

I can't deal with it.
I just wanna live in my normal mansion

with my normal helicopter
and normal yacht.

- Is that too much to ask?
- No!

- Manny, we must undo this thing.
- What do you mean?

- It has to go.
- Yeah, you're right, Bernard.

It's our only chance
of living a normal life.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

This is the right thing to do.

Yeah, Mustique's
probably quite nice but...

- Get it!
- Oh!

It was a big animal,
like a hippo or a whale.

- I think it was a camel.
- Was it?

- It had lost something.
- Yeah, a... wheelbarrow, er...

chest of drawers, er, microlight, er...

Oh, I don't know. It's not coming back.
It's never coming back!

- Oh.
- You haven't written anything.

Actually, we wrote
a very good children's book.

We had to burn it
because it was too good.

It happens all the time. ?50, please.

What sort of time did you have? Really.

It... was... bliss!

It was... it was so amazing.

It couldn't have been better.
Best time in the world.

Oh, there you go, it was awful.

But, well, the wedding's off...

So I don't have to buy a present.
I'm up on the weekend.

Mister, how much is this?

That's a first edition, that's expensive.

I've saved all my pocket money
and I've got nine pounds.

- Oh, well done, you.
- That is a lot of money.

Yeah, but that's still ?50 though.

Oh, it's my favourite book ever.
I wish I had ?50.

Is it really your favourite book?

I love it more than anything in the world.

Well, you...

I've never said this
to anybody before but...

you're gonna have to get a job.

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew