Black Books (2000–2004): Season 2, Episode 6 - A Nice Change - full transcript

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew

(Grinding, whirring, banging)

What are they building? The noise!

They'll finish soon,
we'll have a quiet Sunday.

(Loud grinding)

- Jesus.
- We'll just have to blank it out.

Hi. Hi. Erm, I was wondering
if you could do a book search for me?

I'm looking for a biography of Schubert.

So if you could hunt it up for me,
I'll wait here.

What kind of coffee do you do?

This is a book shop, we don't do coffee.



- The other book shops do.
- Listen, you...

(Drowned out by grinding)

This Schubert, this book search,
how does it work?

Well, you know.
You just... and it pops up.

We've a different sort of...

here.

Get on your knees.

Put your hands on the floor.

From where you are now
to that far corner is our music section.

It's a bit mixed up with aviation,
botany and pregnancy.

- Search!
- (Thunderous grinding)

That is the kind of thing
that is going to put customers off.

- (Grinding resumes)
- Go and see when the noise will stop!

- (Grinding stops)
- Well?



- (Grinding)
- (Drowned out)

- (Grinding stops)
- What?

(Drowned out by grinding)

Just wait!

(Grinding stops)

(Grinding resumes)

So what did he say?

He'll start again after lunch,
it'll get worse tomorrow.

- They wake you?
- Seven o'clock. I was doing my t'ai chi.

It's not actually illegal to kill a builder.

Hey, hey, hey! It's Sunday, right?

- Yes.
- And we want to get away?

- Yes.
- Why don't we...

go to the park?

Did that suggestion
deserve the preface "Hey, hey, hey"?

- What about the cinema?
- Let's see.

OK, how about this?

"Bouffant. Sandra Bullock sets
up a tiny hairdresser's

"in the trenches of the First World War."

- No.
- What else?

Here we go - "Regression.

"Richard Gere kills himself
to go into the past

"to rescue himself as a child
so he can grow up to kill himself

"to rescue himself as a child
so he can..."

- No!
- There must be something else.

What's this?

"Blue Tunes. Matt Damon,
Ben Affleck, Minnie Driver."

- I hate her.
- "Grouchy Leonard Blue

"runs a record shop with halfwit
moustachioed assistant Danny."

Ha!

"When they team up
with neurotic neighbour Pam

"things become a riot of laughs."

Where do they get this crap?
A child could...

- They think we're idiots.
- Wankers.

They all think they're great.

(Sighs) We have to do something.

Er, the usual, please.

- What is your usual?
- I haven't decided yet.

I quite like the idea
of asking for the usual.

Come on, let's get back.
He must be gone, it's lunch.

The usual.

(American accent) Hey, the usual, please.

Er, usual, please.

(Posh accent) Can I have the usual?
Usual, please.

(Whirring and banging)

We have to do something!

Let's go out for Sunday lunch.

- All right.
- Where? Where?

There's this new place, very in -
The Mortuary.

No vegetables, everything's
dead animals on little headstones.

Why does it have to be fancy?

I just want sausage, mash
and a bit of cake.

Not twigs fried in honey
or a donkey in a coffin.

Let's go to that place
that does chicken and things.

- OK. Oh, what shall we wear?
- Excuse me?

- What sort of place is it?
- A restaurant.

Shall we dress up or down?
- You can dress upside down, inside out,

you'll still eat your spaghetti like a pig.

- Can we just go to lunch?
- Give us a minute,

I have to get my contact lenses.

(Banging)

Ber... Ber-Ber-Ber-Ber-Ber-Ber-Ber...

Fix her, will you?

Ber-Ber-Bernard, they're building for
two weeks, there's a sign. We can't stay.

- (Grinding)
- I'll sort them out later.

- What are you gonna do?
- What can you do?

I'll write to the council.

- What are you gonna say?
- I'll say, "Dear Council...

"Please don't build beside us
for the next two weeks."

- What if that doesn't work?
- Yeah, what are you gonna do?

- Wanna know what I'll do?
- Yeah.

I will... drink heavily and shout at you!

- (Grinding)
- But I won't hear cos I'll be in Drillsville!

Then I'll write to you as well!

- (Grinding stops)
- We'll have to go away.

It's perfect,
it's a good excuse to have a holiday.

- Come on, we all need a change.
- (Grinding)

We're not going anywhere!

- This place'll be hell.
- I am not going on holiday.

- Wait.
- (Grinding stops)

Look, look.

- What's this?
- Photos of my trip.

Ooh, it's lovely. Is it Bali?

- Mauritius. Well? Well?
- What?

They're like any holiday photographs,

people stood about squinting
who didn't realise they were that fat.

That's us outside a restaurant.
And that's us outside a hotel.

Whoo! What a transformation!

Oh, and - ha - that's Eddie,
he was our map reader,

he's a gallery owner
but, er, he lives in Kent.

This is the only one of the whole group.

Probably one of the few times in my life
when I've been truly happy.

Why are you showing me these?
I don't know these people.

The only use
this photograph would be to me

would be if I was a hit man
and somebody asked me to kill Eddie,

the gallery owner from Trent.

- Kent.
- I don't care!

- I'm not going.
- Fine.

We'll go. You stay
and get your head drilled to bits.

We are going to sunbathe, read,
and have silly drinks on a beach.

Beach? No! I want the unknown -

mystery, strange places, snakes, jungle.

Manny, I am not going
to spend my holiday in a snake pit.

- Shut up. Where's this sign?
- Outside.

There must be somewhere
that has jungle AND beach.

What do you do in there,
anyway, in a jungle?

Well, you see how many miles
you can walk in a day.

Yeah, but the heat -
you must get so dehydrated.

Yeah, well, in a tight spot
you can always drink your own urine.

Yeah, but what about the insects?
And how do you wash?

That's not such a big priority when
you're quaffing pints of your own whizz.

Excuse me, sorry.
Could I just...? Thank you.

Thanks.

- Perfect.
- I'll sort it.

Don't get ripped off. Book it after lunch.

Forget lunch.

- And I'm not going to Thailand.
- You said you weren't going anywhere.

Doo-dah didn't say they're
building round the clock.

So forget beaches and jungles,

we're going where I can read, sit,
and have a quiet drink.

So your ideal holiday
would in fact be here?

Correct.
So find somewhere exactly like this.

With a jungle.

And a bit of beach?
We're never gonna find anything.

Here we are -
"The sunlit island of Saint-Honor?.

"A tropical jungle
engirdled with golden sands

"boasting the hemisphere's
only English book shop and bar."

- I suppose that'll have to do.
- And it's got a website.

Manny, do the flights.
I'll get the essentials.

- Where are you going?
- To pack. Back in two minutes.

Right. Better get cracking.
Get the suitcase...

(Whirring)

Right, what do we need?

What do we need? Ah.

Sun cream, first-aid kit, sunglasses,

cologne, and... yep.

Get rid of the rubbish.

Good, you're putting stuff in.
Thanks for helping.

Phrase books,
traveller's cheques, insect stuff...

- Music!
- Music, good point.

- (Drilling)
- CD player, CDs...

and... clothes.

Crap.

Crap, crap, crap, crap.

Right. And very important - malaria pills.

- Right.
- Good thinking.

- Would you get the corkscrew?
- Yep.

There you go.

Now, that's what I call teamwork.

(Crash)

- You done?
- You've been ages!

What's in the bag?

(Panting) Oh, it's nothing.
Just, you know, women's bits.

Walk away from the bag.

Manny.

No! Don't open it! It's private!

It's girls' things! No!

Just as I thought! Put her in the chair.

No! No! No! No!

We're here to help you.

You don't understand.

We understand that you're ill.

When you've learned to be sensible,
you can have this.

- You don't really need these.
- Of course I do.

They're my slow dancing mules.

And you don't need these.

I do. Suppose we're invited to a...
yacht party by drug dealers.

Two pairs, more than you need.

Just one more! Take something else out.

No, contact lenses and
emergency money, throw it away.

Erm, erm... Show me those.

Those. And those. Those.

You can take one pair.

Oh, I... I can't decide.

You can't make me choose.

What's it to be? One pair! Come on!

Oh, erm...
Well, those ones are comfortable.

- Right, in they go.
- No! Wait!

- Show me those ones again.
- These are weird.

They are beautiful.

They make strong men cry
in train stations. Put them in.

Right, well, that's your lot.

Bernard, got your passport?

For God's sake, of course I do.

Actually, I don't. Go and get it.

- Where is it?
- Where does anybody keep them?

It's in the... building.

Bernard, go and get it.
We all have to work together.

All right, all right.

So, we have everything?

Yep, let's just check the list
to be double super-safety sure.

I'll stop you if we've missed something.

Right, OK. 1950s-style windbreaker

with two-tone lining and self-stripe cuffs.

- Sta-Prest peach slacks...
- Manny.

Let's just say clothes.

Yeah, all right. Done.

We have traveller's cheques, insurance,
Bernard's getting his passport.

Sun screen,
insect repellent, phrase books?

- Jawohl.
- Booked the taxi?

- Done!
- Saint-Honor? here we come!

What time is the flight?

The... Hmm?

You didn't book the flights.

I'm so sorry, I got distracted by the...

And, erm...

My... my pants aren't that easy to fold.

Not a problem. It's on the net, you said.

Yeah. Easy, easy.

(Beeping, dialling)

(Data transfer noise)

OK, what's the name of the site?

Er, yeah, I know, it's, erm...
Holiday... ding dot thing.

Er, no, no. Erm... Holiday at...

dot...

...holiday. Quick, quick.

I wanted it to be safe.

Ha!

No, that's not it.
This button doesn't work, look.

You are pressing my hand.

Manny, you must remember
the name of the site.

Ah! Naughty little passport.

Hiding in the crisps again!

Manny, we have been
doing this now for five hours.

Where did you see the name of the site?

- In the papers.
- Which bit?

The travel section.

Which is open
just there on the top, isn't it?

Yep, yep.

Could you read the ad out
from the paper to me, please?

"Fly-Saint-Honor?. Com."

I had it in my hand.
I wanted it to be safe.

I went over here...

- Where can it be?
- Right, got it.

- Oh, Fran, you're a genius.
- We can't go, I've no passport.

- Have you checked your desk?
- What? No.

Oh, yes, there it is.

Right. Sorted.
We've got a bargain. Better go to bed,

it's an early flight, saves us money.

- I'll get us up.
- No. You can't be trusted.

- I'm staying awake.
- Yeah, I'd better kip here.

- Can I have your bed?
- Yeah.

- Got any bin liners?
- In the kitchen.

- And, er, Dettol?
- Under the sink.

- Ajax?
- Yeah, just here.

Thanks.

Are you really actually
gonna get in the bed?

- Yeah.
- Right. Erm...

- Take these.
- No, I'm not hungry.

No, it's not for you.
Just chuck 'em under the bed.

What...? What's... what's under the bed?

Dunno.

We just call it the Thing.

(Bernard moans)

(Car horn toots)

- Come on, come on!
- Come on!

Wake up! Wake up! Get up!

Cab's outside, come on!

Hmm? Come on! Hmm?

Final check. Final.

Good.

Good. Come on!

Come on!

Wake up! Get up!

Listen, there's a slight catch.

These flights are very cheap.

Four quid each.

Quite reasonable, yes.

So we have to make
a couple of changeovers.

- (Bernard) How does that work?
- Well, to get to the Canaries

we have to change...

(Clears throat)... in New Zealand.

What? That's practically in France!

- I know.
- Why don't we just go there?

We could have sake at the rodeo
and go home on a sled with camels.

We're just refuelling.

And then we change again at...

(Clears throat)... Stansted.

I've always wanted to go there.

- Nice, is it?
- They've got these trains

that have no driver.

Ah? Have they?

We'll just be there for a few days.

In and around the airport.

- In, mostly.
- That's where the trains are.

And then it's straight on
to sunny Saint-Honor?!

(PA) 'Would passengers Black,
Bianco and Katzenjammer

- 'please go to gate 4.'
- That's us.

Wait, wait. Let's see if they do it again.

'Passengers Black,
Bianco and Katzenjammer,

- 'please go to gate 4 now.'
- (All cheer)

It must be the last connection.
We must be nearly home.

- Is this Prague?
- I don't care.

I'm not getting on another plane.

I think this is Miami.

Fine. I'm gonna live here
and sell guns to children.

- You liked Saint-Honor?.
- I did!

I thoroughly enjoyed
our four hours there.

You can't say the flights weren't cheap.

And you can't say
we didn't spend 13 days on a plane.

574.

574 what?

I kept them all.

574 of these little towel things.

Let's get a drink.

This might be Nairobi.

No, it's definitely Minsk.

You're both wrong. It's obvious.

He's got all the trademark piercings.

Hakim yoba hara hakhyakh!

Uloddivisholov neinsbar.

(Clears throat)

Anvill kerrigan godean lethes.

(Slowly) Where are we?

- Heathrow, love.
- Oh, hey, we're home!

Ohhh. Erm,
three glasses of Merlot, please.

(Sighs)

Oh, don't look at me like that.
Hey, it wasn't all bad.

How many people can say
they've been on a hospital river boat?

And you can be sure they didn't
get to operate on themselves.

Just as well
they thought Manny was a god.

It'll be some time before
I want to sacrifice another monkey.

We said we wouldn't talk about Canada!

Let's go home.

- Have you got your keys?
- No.

I left them in the bag
which you kindly lost.

Ah.

What do you mean, "Ah"?

Well, I think that...

my keys were in there as well.

Were they? Funny, isn't it, travel?

Just one thing after another.

- You're fired.
- Oh, now, look.

And after I dislodge
and return your thong,

I never want to see you again either.

(Grunts)

Do you want to jump?

- I came down gradually...
- Get away from me!

It was a thrill to recreate with you
but now our association ends.

You have brought nothing
but pain, penury

and strife into my days.

I wish you good fortune
in whatever avenue of life

you assault with your presence.

Here's your redundancy package.

Sorry it's in Phrenobian wooden dollars

but that's largely your fault!

Now, good luck and goodbye!

You can't run the place on your own.

I'll struggle on somehow.

No. I don't accept your apology.

Give it another 30 years.
And take this with you.

- Bernard.
- What?

- Do you want to come outside?
- I'm cold.

I have got chilblains, tinnitus and thrush!

If you want to fight, come inside.

(Maniacal giggling)

(Simian gibbering)

The noise. Th-th-th-th-the noise!

B-b-b-b-b-b-but found it.

Found it! I found it!

Manny, could you look after the shop
by yourself for a while?

- Sure.
- What are you going to do?

I am going on holiday.

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew