#BlackAF (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - yup, you guessed it. again, this is because of slavery - full transcript
At his core,
my dad's kind of a miserable person.
♪ Look at ya, look at ya... ♪
An expensively dressed,
miserable person.
It's like there's this
bottomless hole in him
he keeps trying to fill by buying stuff.
Few things actually bring my dad
real joy.
A Jay-Z album.
A Jay-Z book.
Jay-Z merch.
♪ Let's have a toast for the douchebags ♪
I think I just saw Jay-Z!
At Taco Bell?
Pretty much anything Jay-Z.
Let me have this! It was him.
Nothing brings my dad more joy
than report card day.
In this envelope
lies either a pony or an ass-whooping.
I've never seen someone
take more pleasure
in dishing out judgment
to the people he loves.
Dude,
you got a C in art?
Art's not even a real class.
- Yes, it is.
- Is it?
- Yes.
- Is it?
But I tried really hard, Dad. Look.
Ugh!
I blame you for this.
You're the one who helps them
with their homework.
I help the kids with their homework
because he can't.
He's dumb.
There's tricks to this stuff.
It's like 20, ten, hold on, it's if you...
I think the answer's eight,
'cause...
Why even ask for my help, dude?
If you know everything,
just do it yourself.
- You got it.
- Wait, I need help, Dad.
Enjoy your homework.
Oh, my God! You got straight A's!
Yes!
Yes! Yes! We did it!
We did it! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. I knew we could do it.
I mean, you. But we.
- God, you're my favorite.
- Thanks, Dad.
We did it! Yes!
So,
how should we celebrate?
Movie night? Pizza?
Go grab a drink, maybe look at a...
small yacht?
Dad, since you're so into report cards,
what grade would you give yourself
as a father?
Grade would I give myself? I don't know.
Who wants to be that guy?
Look, I hate to do it, but I will do it.
But I guess if I had
to give myself a grade,
- I'd give myself an A to a high A+.
- I'd give myself an A+.
Is that enough?
Can I go higher than that?
You know, this family's thriving,
we live in a pretty nice house.
You know, you look nice. What are those?
Those earrings made out of gold? 24K?
Looks like you just bent it right now,
it's so soft.
- Is there a 36K?
- Hey, when's my birthday?
Your birthday...
Your birthday is...
during the NBA Finals.
You are a Game 6 baby.
Do you know
any of your children's birthdays?
Yeah, dude. Don't be ridiculous.
Kam's is...
April, during Coachella.
I know that because every year,
I miss the Sunday night headliner
because we're doing cake.
Um, Beyoncé's Homecoming was a big miss.
I mean, the Tupac hologram
is never going to happen again.
That's just... that's gone.
I won't see that.
Just... tell me
whose party is on Friday.
You do know whose party
is on Friday, right?
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
I do know.
There's a party happening.
Of course I know about it.
Right.
Do you know who won Game 6?
♪ You either with me or against me, ho ♪
♪ Ho ♪
♪ You either with me or ♪
♪ Wait ♪
♪ Win, win, win, win, win ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Fuck everything else
Win, win, win, win ♪
♪ Win, yeah ♪
Danny, what do you mean you don't know
when any of my kids' birthdays are?
Yeah, they're my kids,
but you're my assistant.
Dude, you are useless.
What's that little stupid organizer for?
You know what? I'll find out
when my kids' birthdays are on my own.
I have a plan. Ridiculous.
Big day Friday, right?
Are you gonna hang my painting?
Um...
Oh, shoot.
That's my phone, bud, ringing.
- Your phone isn't ringing.
- No, it is. It's vibrating.
I don't think it's vibrating.
It's the new vibrator
you can't hear or feel.
It's Granny.
I need to talk to her.
She's not doing well. I'm sorry.
- What's wrong with Granny?
- She's fading.
Oh, no.
Granny?
So you've had five hours
and you found nothing? On the Internet?
You know the shit
I see on the Internet, dude?
Help me out on this one, bro.
All right, guys. We got him.
He's spiraling.
Come on, give me some.
I'm running out of options.
I have to talk to Stink.
So, Friday. Gonna be a big one.
Do you have a question?
No. It's more of just a check-in.
Um... okay.
Thank... thank you.
Just admit you don't know
whose party is on Friday,
and I'll tell you
so you don't look like an ass.
It's fine, Dad.
You're a solid B of a father.
I work my nails to the bone for you,
and still I get so little respect, dude.
Please leave me. Just leave me be.
I have so little in my life.
Just let me watch Top Boy alone.
- Okay.
- It's all I have.
Okay, good news.
I got your youngest's birthday.
Okay, Brooklyn counts.
I rummaged through your trash
and I found some old birthday cards
made out to Brooklyn.
- Okay.
- Yep, it's August 9th.
Brooklyn's birthday is August 9th?
- That's my birthday, dude.
- Yeah.
I forgot my son's birthday
was my birthday.
I don't deserve these kids.
Bearby!
- What up?
- What's up, Dad?
- You look nice. Where you going?
- To the library.
You're not going to the library.
That's a ridiculous lie.
They're closed. And the library's
for crazy people and terrorists,
but that's not the ridiculous lie
that matters right now.
I want to know what you're doing Friday.
Nothing. Why do you ask?
I just... I don't...
Hold on. What the fuck
do you have going on Friday?
- Nothing.
- Yo, seriously.
What the fuck are you doing on Friday?
Hey!
You excited about my party on Friday, Dad?
Yes!
- Yes!
- Dad?
Dad?
Another one.
Flex alert! Flex alert!
SoCal must be on a flex alert.
Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!
What's happening, baby?
You in the gym now? Two-a-days?
What you working on?
How you doing, Marquise?
I don't know whether to hate
my daughter's boyfriend
or really hate my daughter's boyfriend.
Dude uses slang like he's
some kind of fucking undercover cop.
He kinda dresses
like an undercover cop too.
Is he an undercover cop?
I'm just going to say
he's an undercover cop.
That's gonna make me feel better
about everything.
It's so metaphorical.
What... what is up with you guys?
Why are you even here right now?
Oh, we just came from marketing class.
Marketing class?
What are you talking about?
Yeah, I feel like you'd actually love it.
It's super fun.
Yeah. I mean, it's a vibe.
You know, we have learned so much.
It's incredible.
Marketing practically runs the world.
Who runs the world? Marketing.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, this jacket,
you probably got an Instagram ad, right?
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
What is happening right now, Chlo?
- What is going on?
- What?
Why the fuck are you talking to me
while sitting with this guy here?
We don't talk about school.
I don't care about your schooling.
Okay, first of all, it's my boyfriend.
Second of all, I was just telling you
about a class that I like. God!
Marquise, let's go.
Peace and love, player player. Bless up.
When Chloe said
she wanted to major in film,
my dad made a phone call
and got Chloe into one of the best
film schools in the country.
But she'd rather take marketing classes
so that she could be closer
to her football-player boyfriend,
who is probably too concussed
to even know what his major is.
Jo!
Jo!
Yo. Do you know anything
about this marketing class
Chloe and her weird-ass boyfriend
were talking to me about?
What? No.
Of course I knew!
Because my kids love me
and they communicate with me.
But I told her not to bring it up
with him yet, though.
Fucking amateur hour with this kid.
What is all this?
Just little swag bags
for kids at the party.
Truffle chocolates?
Samsung watches? Earbuds?
Tiffany jewelry?
Fendi keychains?
Are the kids Golden Globe nominees?
It's just little knickknacks. Relax, dude.
My college fund's taken care of, right?
Like, I should be able to get
through all four years
with relatively no concerns?
Yeah, we're fine. Come on.
Are these polarized Ray-Bans?
Yes, you don't want your kids
getting eye cancer! Right?
You don't want that karma.
I mean, yeah.
Could I be more hands-on
like Jo is with the kids?
Sure.
But I can't
because I actually have to work.
A real job.
Oh, my God. Okay. He got it.
- 156. 157. 158. 159.
- Not gonna make it. Not gonna do it.
- Nope. No.
- Two minutes!
Pay me!
Pay me! I want it in cash.
Go to the ATM. Get it. I don't care!
I don't want to hear shit. I want money.
Better pay.
- Yeah.
- What did he say it was?
That was so stressful.
Don't look at me like that
with your judgment and your jug of water.
You know that water is more expensive
than gas per gallon?
I bought that with sticking my head
into water...
buckets.
And you sit there looking at me
full of judgment.
Life's got a real lesson to teach you.
Okay, guys, let's do what we do
as professional writers
and go to work.
We're working like we do.
It's characters and dynamics,
that's what we do, guys.
This is a professional writer's room
where we just do characters and dynamics.
What?
I would love to talk
about characters and dynamics.
That's great, Leeza,
that's what we do all the time.
- What?
- Guys, guys, guys...
my kid is here, it's just, like,
a documentary, it's a thing.
Can we please, I swear to God...
Can we please, just for a second...
They have a... I don't want to be
on camera, and why is this our...
I will call your agent so fast.
You are a diversity hire.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I would actually
like to take this moment,
if we're really gonna work,
I'd love to work.
- That would be amazing.
- We always work.
- I think we should go over...
- Hey!
I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Oh, my fucking God, dude.
You gotta be kidding me.
We just wanted to bring some food
for lunch
- and celebrate the new season.
- What?
You can just put it over there. Thank you.
Gotta be fucking kidding.
- I got you some Roscoe's.
- Roscoe's!
Chicken and waffles, yep.
It's for everybody now.
- Thank you.
- Just to celebrate the new season.
We love it!
Dude, that's not why she came.
She never just does stuff
to be doing it to be nice.
This was a classic dad-type check.
- A what?
- A dad...
She wanted to see what was in the room.
I know what she was up to.
I'm Joya, by the way.
I'm Kenya's wife.
- Hi, Joya.
- Very nice to meet you.
And this is Brooklyn.
Say hi to Daddy!
This is our youngest of six.
- Six. We got six kids.
- Six?
- You do not have six children.
- I do. I do.
- It's crazy, right? It's so crazy.
- It's nothing crazy.
I mean, people come back.
Yeah. So many new faces.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. There is. There is.
- Lots of new faces. Um...
- Mm-hmm.
That's sort of my subtle way of telling
you I want to be introduced, so...
Okay. Uh...
You know Jerome,
or maybe you haven't met Jerome. Nelson.
- 'Kayla. Leeza.
- Hi.
- You know, of course...
- I didn't get your name.
- It's Mikayla.
- Mikayla.
- Yeah.
- Nice to meet you.
I see through her.
See right through her.
And you, of course, know Broadway.
Yes. Yes, I do.
Broadway.
If it wasn't for gay sex, I'd be gay.
For real.
I mean,
my dude would probably be hella in shape,
hella fun, hella rich.
We'd probably play catch
and Madden and shit.
I'm telling you,
gay niggas have a better life.
If it wasn't for smashing other dudes.
Okay, Broadway, cool.
Well, nice to see you, as always.
Let's go eat something, okay?
Rawr! Rawr!
- Okay.
- I'm not hungry.
Well, we're gonna eat anyway.
Yeah, that's the introductions.
It's really nice to meet all of you.
I mean, it's crazy
that he even remembers your names,
like, he can't remember
our kids' birthdays.
- That tracks.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I don't blame him with six kids.
- Not...
- Yeah.
- That's very funny.
- Well, thank you so much for great jokes.
- Okay. Come on, boo boo. Let's go.
And bringing my child here.
- I appreciate you.
- Really good to meet you.
Especially you, Mikayla.
Great to meet you. Yeah.
We're gonna go now.
Give Daddy back his phone.
You don't know what's on there! Okay.
All right, bye! See you!
- Bye, Brooklyn!
- See ya!
Bye, Brooklyn!
- She is fantastic.
- Yeah.
- Is she?
- Yeah, definitely. Your wife is a queen.
Yeah.
And her snap-back game
is Angela Bassett-esque.
What?
I'm just saying, she's like
a caramel rubber band, you know?
- Stop while you're ahead.
- What the fuck is happening right now?
I'm hearing myself say it,
it sounds inappropriate.
I meant to say was that
she's a beautiful woman
and she's an amazing mother.
Why is she an amazing mother?
Because she brings us some soggy waffles
that probably should not travel,
and fried chicken?
Or because she takes her three-year-old
son who can't fend for himself
and she'd go to jail if she left him
at home to wherever she's going?
But she is amazing.
I'm not saying she's not.
All I'm saying is,
isn't it kinda weird that
literally, you almost never hear someone
say someone's an amazing black dad?
Hm!
You hear it with the mom, but you almost
never hear it with a black man.
If I ask you right now,
name an amazing black dad.
Uh...
- Cosby.
- No. No.
But if I asked you to name
an amazing black mom.
Then I would say Michelle Obama. Hello?
- Beyoncé.
- I love Serena Williams too.
- She's always posting about her baby.
- And Jada Pinkett Smith.
Jada Pinkett Smith. And her mom, too.
- Maya Angelou is good too.
- Moms Mabley.
- Moms Mabley, she has "Moms" in her name.
- All good examples except that.
But yes, she probably was,
you know, actually, to be fair.
My point being is,
don't you think it's weird how
in the streets,
the black moms' fucking rep
is like Marvel-superhero level.
They might as well walk around
with capes on. They can do no wrong,
but black dads in the street,
our shit is trash.
Trash.
That's for real. Seriously.
I mean, black dads
are like the Hitlers of dads.
- No offense, sir.
- Could you not call me "sir?"
Just as a rule.
Also, why would you assume that
I'd be offended by you mentioning Hitler?
You think I'm a Nazi sympathizer?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, sir!
- Is that it? Is that...
This is what I was trying to avoid.
To be fair, it's weird.
- I told you about this.
- I can see it now.
Okay. Look, I'm just saying this,
it's not like you don't get love, okay?
There's people always praising you
about being such a great writer.
And for Joya, you know,
she gets praised for being a mom.
She gets a lot of love
for being a lawyer too. Like, a lot.
I feel like, why can't it go both ways?
Why can't I get praised
for being a great writer,
and I also have six kids.
She didn't do that by herself.
So, why can't we get both?
- They should.
- Oh, my God.
- Okay, Leeza. What?
- What?
Seems like you're about
to have an aneurysm.
- Say what you gotta say.
- I wasn't going to say anything,
it's just a little ridiculous to me
that you're trying to equate this
because... Anyway, I'm sorry.
It's just that,
you know, when Dan takes the kids
to the park once a week, once,
everyone's like, "Oh, how amazing."
You know? And then I'm here
with you people all day.
- What?
- Oh, okay.
That was not a racist thing to say.
This job is hard, and then I go home
and I'm cooking dinner,
and I do bath-time and story-time,
and then, and, and...
I take the kids to the park
and I fall asleep
one time. One time!
Because I took a really small hit
on my, you know,
medically prescribed "bliss: dosist" pen,
which Dr. Chimchor said
I need for my anxiety, so...
And the next thing I know,
I'm being questioned
by fucking Hispanic and Asian cops
for 35 minutes.
"Are you okay? Where are your children?"
Like I'm a bad mom,
and I was like,
"You know what? Fuck you."
Wow.
That story had so much...
Did you get...
Every single word.
I don't even really know where to start.
Uh, I think maybe we can start
with why it was necessary
to disclose the races of the officers.
I'm painting a picture.
My point is
that I think that dads are celebrated
for doing ten percent
of the stuff
that moms are just expected to do.
You know, I think that is probably true
about white fathers,
but I don't think the black fathers
get the same presumption of goodness.
- Oh, my God.
- Amen.
Wait, "amen?"
You're not a father.
You're just a nigga who needs a vasectomy.
Ooh.
Hilarious.
Nelson.
Even though sometimes he be dropping
hellified black facts,
I don't really mess with dude like that.
How come?
I guess he got a face you want to shoot.
I think you mean punch.
How you know what I mean?
Nelson's kinda got a point.
As a black dude,
we're constantly running from the ghosts
of, like, "bad black dads past,"
and if I'm being honest,
it started from back in slavery.
Okay.
- Well...
- It did!
- It fucking started back in slavery!
- Here we go.
I'm gonna hydrate.
I'm serious.
I don't know if you know this,
but this country's been ripping
black fathers away from our kids
ever since we got here.
They profit off our backs
and threw us into a fucking police state.
You know one in four black men
spend time in prison?
One in fucking four.
Generations of black children
have had to grow up without their dads,
subsequently leaving generations
of black fathers
with no reference
on how to parent their children.
And the job market looks at every
black man like we're criminals,
because society has perpetuated
the image that that's all we are is thugs.
♪ We could've been somebody ♪
They took away our access
to quality education,
and made sure the only jobs
we're fit to work were unskilled labor.
They're keeping us fucking...
too poor to care for our families.
This country shits on black fathers
for existing
and then praises black mothers
for surviving.
It's fucked up.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Leeza?
Is she okay?
Dude, that's not weed. That's heroin.
So what do you think
about that idea?
Look, babe, don't get me wrong,
your mom's a great mom,
but I've basically defied
every possible fucking odd
to provide for our family
and still there's absolutely nothing
I can do to be seen as a good dad.
Like, nothing.
You could remember your kids' birthdays.
Yo!
Yo, what up? What up, guys?
- Hey, Dad! You made it!
- Yeah.
Who are those presents for?
Huh?
Pops literally just had his birthday.
How could he forget?
I don't know,
but it was so funny.
He might have
early-onset dementia..
which is a little less funny.
Yeah.
Check it out! Check it out! Check it out!
- Whoa!
- There it is! There it is!
Shoot the laser!
Careful! Careful of the lasers.
Who's it gonna shoot?
It's gonna shoot you.
It's gonna get you! It's gonna get you!
Was I bothered by all the dad love
Jim was getting?
No.
Fuck Jim.
You got it! You got it! You got it!
Go! Go! Go!
Why? Does it seem like I was bothered?
'Cause I wasn't.
Fuck Jim.
My father stole dirt from Dodger Stadium
and built me a baseball mound
in the backyard.
Try to do that.
Oh, my God.
Coach John had a stroke.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
- Do what?
- I'll coach the team.
I'm in. I'll do it, dude.
I'm in, guys. I'll take over.
Okay.
Was it an insane first response?
It was an insane first response.
He didn't even ask if he was okay.
I mean, Coach John has got kids, a wife,
people who depend on him.
At that point, it wasn't even clear
if the man was alive or dead.
It was just a total disregard
for all social norms.
Jim can go fuck himself.
Seriously. I'll fuck Jim up.
I will fuck Jim up.
Fuck Jim!
I'm sorry, what... what is this for?
♪ Yo, the sun don't shine forever ♪
♪ But as long as it's here
Then we might as well shine together ♪
♪ Better now than never
Business before pleasure ♪
♪ P. Diddy and the Fam
Who you know do it better? ♪
♪ I'mma win 'cause
I'm too smart for these cats ♪
♪ While they makin' up facts
You rakin' up plaques ♪
♪ We got the real live shit
From front to back ♪
♪ To my people in the world
Where the fuck you at? ♪
♪ Where my niggas is at?
Where my niggas is at? ♪
♪ Where the fuck my bitches at?
Where my bitches is at? ♪
♪ We got the real live shit ♪
♪ Fuck y'all niggas wanna do ♪
♪ It's all fucked up now ♪
What's up, Badgers?
Okay.
Not an enthusiastic group.
All right, more stoic.
Stoicism.
It's a good quality for a team.
Not for a dad, like my dad was,
but it's okay. It's great for a team.
Um... I'm Coach Kenya.
Little Griffey Jr.'s over there, his pops.
It's unfortunate...
what happened to Coach John.
Sorry about your dad, Brandon.
But in youth baseball, as in war,
something we learn is that shit happens.
Some shit happened to John.
No, I'm just kidding.
Strokes aren't funny.
Again, sorry about your dad, Brandon.
But, if we're being honest,
you guys are 0 and 8,
so other than for Brandon,
it's kinda a little bit of a blessing.
See a lot of interesting faces out here.
Very diverse team.
Is that a girl? Hey, sweetie.
You guys be a gentleman to her.
It's important,
diversity against adversity.
Lot of fashionable guys.
Sunglasses upside down by hat.
I like that.
It's nice. Sunglasses on, nicer.
Um, with that in mind,
I brought some booties.
No? No takers?
You guys just gonna let your kicks
get dogged out.
You wanna have them fresh for the game.
That's showtime.
Okay, Pops.
Do I have to?
I mean, we're gonna be the leader on this.
Lead the pack.
They'll follow it. Trust me, son.
It's gonna be a great season, guys.
You're 0 and 8,
but you still have a chance.
That's how bad this league is.
We can be winners amongst losers.
All right, guys. Let's go.
For generations, there's been an image
that's been synonymous
with the best father-son relationships.
A little game of catch.
All the good fathers make time for it.
But you know what the great fathers do?
They grab a hat,
and they put on a whistle to coach.
That's what the great ones do.
Hey, attaboy, champ.
Ooh. Good job. Oh, strong.
Oh. That's okay, Pops.
You'll get the next one.
The sun was in your eyes on that one.
Very nice.
Oh, my God, that's...
I guess that's cool.
Just one more time. Do it right.
You okay?
Oh! No, use the glove.
Ow!
This is all my fault.
Pops can't catch
because I never played catch with him.
I'm a bad black dad.
Still sticking with that A, huh?
Somebody's gonna
fuck you up one day.
Watch. I mean, I hope not
because I love you,
but it's going to happen.
So look,
this thing I want you to remember:
The danger is real,
but the fear you're having is a choice.
Heard that before?
Isn't it that that old guy
in that Jaden Smith movie?
Uh, that old guy is an amazing actor
and even more amazing black father,
Will Smith.
He did a movie with his son.
He could have done it with a real actor,
but he did it with his son.
He lent his overwhelming,
international box office appeal
to his son,
so that when domestic audiences
were repelled by his son,
international audiences would embrace him
and thusly, make the movie be seen
as a success,
giving birth to the pink-haired,
eyebrow-less wonder
you know as Jaden Smith.
That's what you do as a father.
When people are repelled by your son,
like this team is repelled by you,
I lend my success to you.
Okay?
- Okay.
- Danger is real. Fear a choice.
- Okay.
- Okay. Danger is what?
Fear. Wait. Danger is what?
Just catch the ball, bud.
- Can we get Menchie's after this?
- Just catch the ball!
Let's try it again.
We're gonna go in a different direction
with this coaching thing.
Of course they fired me.
My son's the worst player on the team.
I neglected the cornerstone of fatherhood.
Catch.
- Smoothies, guys!
- Yay!
I got...
I got a Berry Bonds.
I got a Nomar Garcia-Pear-a.
We got a Roger Lemons.
Why didn't I just bring orange slices?
Smoothies, guys! Come get them!
I remember that kid.
He was cool.
Your team took a big loss today, bud.
A big loss.
Yeah, but I still had
a lot of fun today, Dad.
Uh-huh.
Coach Jim coaching,
you guys are going 0 and 10.
Won't win a game.
Losers.
But I still had
a lot of fun with you today, Dad.
It was really cool.
Smoothie's not even all that good.
Sometimes, the universe just finds a way
to give you another shot.
What kind of dad would I be
if I didn't take my family
to the annual bowling night?
Bowling is the cornerstone of fatherhood.
It's America's game.
Isn't that baseball?
No, that's America's pastime.
Well, then isn't it football?
What grade do you give yourself
as a daughter?
Just, what do you feel like you're earning
in this class of daughterhood?
I feel like you're having trouble passing.
♪ Let's have a good time ♪
Yes, all right, everyone, this fun, right?
This is family fun.
We're enjoying ourselves.
Those are it. Okay.
Four, boom! Izzy, yours.
These aren't my size.
- These aren't my size either!
- I think you got all the sizes wrong.
It doesn't matter in bowling.
It's just sizes.
- Sizes don't matter.
- Check it out, you guys!
Whoa!
That's so cool!
- Right.
- Are you kidding me?
Got shirts.
- You got shirts?
- Yeah.
We just talked about this this afternoon.
I got a shirt guy.
- He's got a quick turnaround.
- You have a shirt guy?
- Medium. Kam's a small.
- This is awesome.
Pops, that's for you.
I know you love an extra slim.
- It says my name!
- Kids large.
Mom! Mom! Mom!
A chant? Seriously?
Mom! Mom!
Fucking chant?
Mom! Mom! Mom!
I'm an A+ mom. What can I say?
When I show up, people expect a show.
Not only am I completing
with my own amazing black mom,
I'm also competing
with every other amazing black mom
on the planet.
A pepperoni pizza?
That's me. Right here, sir.
Pepperoni pizza, guys.
I ordered it for us.
I'm a father, the father who ordered
food for his family.
Ew.
Dive in, please.
Uh, we can't eat that.
No, it's pepperoni pizza.
Everyone just please, have some.
Dude, literally no one in this family
has eaten pizza in, like, ten years.
Yeah, I'm vegetarian.
- I'm gluten-free.
- I'm vegan.
And my dairy allergy will literally
make me have a grand mal seizure.
What is happening right now?
What kind of kids can't eat pizza?
Growing up,
if you couldn't eat pizza, that was like
God's way of saying
you weren't supposed to be here.
It's fine, I pre-ordered everybody's meals
based on their dietary restrictions.
- It'll be here in a second.
- What?
When did you do this?
How did you do this?
I have a guy.
- How many guys do you have?
- A lot.
Can we just get back to having fun?
This is why I never do anything
with you guys.
You're just a living, breathing
set of problems.
It is so great that the family's together
like this, isn't it?
What do you want, Bearby?
Uh, how would you feel
if I changed my major?
I knew it.
Dude!
It's like one of the best
liberal arts colleges in the country.
It's the number one film school
in the world.
Why can't you just be grateful?
You realize how much shit I had to do
to get you in there?
Only reason I didn't do that college game
everybody else in Hollywood was doing
was because they didn't tell black people
about it!
If it wasn't for racism,
I'd be locked up right now.
You know, you're so unsupportive.
I'm... I'm so unsupportive?
Yay!
Jeez, what happened to you?
Your sister sucks!
♪ Haven't left my room in a whole week ♪
♪ Wish I could turn back
The hands on the clock ♪
Hey, babe.
I meant to ask you earlier...
what the fuck is going on there
with those Nike-Chernobyl collabs?
Fuck! I look ridiculous, don't I?
I've been feeling it, dude.
I put them on and I was like,
"The whole thing,
it's a swing and a miss."
I took the swing. I missed.
And now, like my life,
it's a swing and a miss. Fuck!
- Fuck!
- God, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay, man.
Today was awful, yo.
All I wanted was for one nice night out
with everybody.
That's all I was looking for.
Since when did you become so obsessed
with family outings?
You never liked family outings.
The kids don't like family outings
and sometimes,
I'm not even sure you like the kids, so...
I mean, they're not great.
But they're still our kids.
Dude, you know what?
I think I've been
really worried about becoming my dad.
I love my dad, and bless his heart,
you know what I'm saying? But...
he was so busy working,
he was never really around.
I mean, whenever he was home,
he was so tired we never did shit.
Then I look around at these, you know.
white dads, like Jim,
having these "great relationships"
with their kids, and I feel like,
am I taking myself so much
out of the picture
that I'm becoming just like he was?
No, you're being ridiculous.
Am I?
I didn't even hang our son's picture up.
That's fucked up, dude. Seriously.
I feel like I'm so busy running
from the ghost of becoming my dad,
that I'm becoming my dad.
You...
are not your dad. Okay?
Thank you.
In other news,
apparently there's a lot of darkness
on the baseball team.
- The Badgers?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, what the fuck is going on there?
- I feel it, dude.
- I know. There's a weird energy, right?
So rumor has it that
all of the parents,
all of the parents are swingers.
- Yeah, dude.
- Marsha.
Marsha, for sure. Ringleader.
Key parties, okay?
Coke-fueled key parties,
like, all night long.
Fucking Marsha
seems like she's ready to go.
Fucking each other. Fucking everybody.
And the reason that Coach John
had a stroke
is because he got a dirty eight ball...
- that was sold to him by...
- Oh!
Ya man...
- Jim.
- Jim.
It's written all over his face.
- Un-fucking-believable.
- Yeah. I know.
- Un-fucking-believable.
- I know.
- I kinda wanna go.
- I know, me too.
- I kinda wanna go.
- Me too.
We should stay on the team
just a little bit longer and see...
- Hey, guys.
- Yo, what up?
Hey.
Look...
You're right.
So I just wanted to let you know
that I'm not going to change my major.
You know, I really appreciate what you did
to help me get into school.
And, I mean, it's an amazing degree
from a great school.
So, I'm gonna take advantage of it,
even if I don't end up
doing something in film.
Seriously?
Seriously.
But I do want to take
a couple more marketing classes
- if that's okay.
- Yeah.
If I'm still into it,
then maybe I can work a little bit harder
and do a marketing minor.
Okay.
You know, I'm really glad
that you didn't let me give up.
I'm never gonna let you give up, sweetie.
That's what I'm here for.
It's what me and your mom are here for.
So, uh, can I have some money?
Ugh.
I wanna get a cabin for the weekend
because Marquise has the day off
from practice and we want to get away.
I swear to God, it's fucking amateur hour
with this kid.
Please just go.
You don't have to spend your money.
You could spend your Amex points.
Those are our points!
We earned those points!
It took us 20 years!
Those are not your points!
Don't you dare ask for those points!
Okay, fine.
Jeez!
You gotta admit, dude.
At least she's on brand.
Yeah, it's really embarrassing.
Your writers' room's nice.
Especially Mikayla.
I just want him to know that I know
that he knows
that I know that he knows.
You know?
Amazingly, that actually makes sense.
Like I said,
my dad's kind of a miserable person,
but he wasn't wrong.
Being a black dad
does put you at a disadvantage.
Society expects you to fail,
to not be there for your kids,
to end up broke
and in and out of jail.
Black dads not only have to fight
the many battles of fatherhood,
but also the ghost of all the black dads
before them,
and the narrative
that society loves to perpetuate.
That the black man,
the black father, is less than.
But it's actually not true. Seriously.
A study by the CDC
showed that black dads
are actually spending more time
with their kids these days.
♪ From the first time the doctor
Placed you in my arms ♪
♪ I knew I'd meet death
Before I'd let you meet harm ♪
Black dads are more likely
than their white counterparts
to eat with their kids,
to change their diapers, to read to them.
Whoa! Come on.
And to play with them on a daily basis.
- What's happening?
- I'm practicing.
- What?
- Yeah.
So, yeah,
maybe my dad is a miserable person.
But he's a pretty solid dad.
Oh, yeah,
I'm for sure going to cut that.
my dad's kind of a miserable person.
♪ Look at ya, look at ya... ♪
An expensively dressed,
miserable person.
It's like there's this
bottomless hole in him
he keeps trying to fill by buying stuff.
Few things actually bring my dad
real joy.
A Jay-Z album.
A Jay-Z book.
Jay-Z merch.
♪ Let's have a toast for the douchebags ♪
I think I just saw Jay-Z!
At Taco Bell?
Pretty much anything Jay-Z.
Let me have this! It was him.
Nothing brings my dad more joy
than report card day.
In this envelope
lies either a pony or an ass-whooping.
I've never seen someone
take more pleasure
in dishing out judgment
to the people he loves.
Dude,
you got a C in art?
Art's not even a real class.
- Yes, it is.
- Is it?
- Yes.
- Is it?
But I tried really hard, Dad. Look.
Ugh!
I blame you for this.
You're the one who helps them
with their homework.
I help the kids with their homework
because he can't.
He's dumb.
There's tricks to this stuff.
It's like 20, ten, hold on, it's if you...
I think the answer's eight,
'cause...
Why even ask for my help, dude?
If you know everything,
just do it yourself.
- You got it.
- Wait, I need help, Dad.
Enjoy your homework.
Oh, my God! You got straight A's!
Yes!
Yes! Yes! We did it!
We did it! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. I knew we could do it.
I mean, you. But we.
- God, you're my favorite.
- Thanks, Dad.
We did it! Yes!
So,
how should we celebrate?
Movie night? Pizza?
Go grab a drink, maybe look at a...
small yacht?
Dad, since you're so into report cards,
what grade would you give yourself
as a father?
Grade would I give myself? I don't know.
Who wants to be that guy?
Look, I hate to do it, but I will do it.
But I guess if I had
to give myself a grade,
- I'd give myself an A to a high A+.
- I'd give myself an A+.
Is that enough?
Can I go higher than that?
You know, this family's thriving,
we live in a pretty nice house.
You know, you look nice. What are those?
Those earrings made out of gold? 24K?
Looks like you just bent it right now,
it's so soft.
- Is there a 36K?
- Hey, when's my birthday?
Your birthday...
Your birthday is...
during the NBA Finals.
You are a Game 6 baby.
Do you know
any of your children's birthdays?
Yeah, dude. Don't be ridiculous.
Kam's is...
April, during Coachella.
I know that because every year,
I miss the Sunday night headliner
because we're doing cake.
Um, Beyoncé's Homecoming was a big miss.
I mean, the Tupac hologram
is never going to happen again.
That's just... that's gone.
I won't see that.
Just... tell me
whose party is on Friday.
You do know whose party
is on Friday, right?
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
I do know.
There's a party happening.
Of course I know about it.
Right.
Do you know who won Game 6?
♪ You either with me or against me, ho ♪
♪ Ho ♪
♪ You either with me or ♪
♪ Wait ♪
♪ Win, win, win, win, win ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Fuck everything else
Win, win, win, win ♪
♪ Win, yeah ♪
Danny, what do you mean you don't know
when any of my kids' birthdays are?
Yeah, they're my kids,
but you're my assistant.
Dude, you are useless.
What's that little stupid organizer for?
You know what? I'll find out
when my kids' birthdays are on my own.
I have a plan. Ridiculous.
Big day Friday, right?
Are you gonna hang my painting?
Um...
Oh, shoot.
That's my phone, bud, ringing.
- Your phone isn't ringing.
- No, it is. It's vibrating.
I don't think it's vibrating.
It's the new vibrator
you can't hear or feel.
It's Granny.
I need to talk to her.
She's not doing well. I'm sorry.
- What's wrong with Granny?
- She's fading.
Oh, no.
Granny?
So you've had five hours
and you found nothing? On the Internet?
You know the shit
I see on the Internet, dude?
Help me out on this one, bro.
All right, guys. We got him.
He's spiraling.
Come on, give me some.
I'm running out of options.
I have to talk to Stink.
So, Friday. Gonna be a big one.
Do you have a question?
No. It's more of just a check-in.
Um... okay.
Thank... thank you.
Just admit you don't know
whose party is on Friday,
and I'll tell you
so you don't look like an ass.
It's fine, Dad.
You're a solid B of a father.
I work my nails to the bone for you,
and still I get so little respect, dude.
Please leave me. Just leave me be.
I have so little in my life.
Just let me watch Top Boy alone.
- Okay.
- It's all I have.
Okay, good news.
I got your youngest's birthday.
Okay, Brooklyn counts.
I rummaged through your trash
and I found some old birthday cards
made out to Brooklyn.
- Okay.
- Yep, it's August 9th.
Brooklyn's birthday is August 9th?
- That's my birthday, dude.
- Yeah.
I forgot my son's birthday
was my birthday.
I don't deserve these kids.
Bearby!
- What up?
- What's up, Dad?
- You look nice. Where you going?
- To the library.
You're not going to the library.
That's a ridiculous lie.
They're closed. And the library's
for crazy people and terrorists,
but that's not the ridiculous lie
that matters right now.
I want to know what you're doing Friday.
Nothing. Why do you ask?
I just... I don't...
Hold on. What the fuck
do you have going on Friday?
- Nothing.
- Yo, seriously.
What the fuck are you doing on Friday?
Hey!
You excited about my party on Friday, Dad?
Yes!
- Yes!
- Dad?
Dad?
Another one.
Flex alert! Flex alert!
SoCal must be on a flex alert.
Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!
What's happening, baby?
You in the gym now? Two-a-days?
What you working on?
How you doing, Marquise?
I don't know whether to hate
my daughter's boyfriend
or really hate my daughter's boyfriend.
Dude uses slang like he's
some kind of fucking undercover cop.
He kinda dresses
like an undercover cop too.
Is he an undercover cop?
I'm just going to say
he's an undercover cop.
That's gonna make me feel better
about everything.
It's so metaphorical.
What... what is up with you guys?
Why are you even here right now?
Oh, we just came from marketing class.
Marketing class?
What are you talking about?
Yeah, I feel like you'd actually love it.
It's super fun.
Yeah. I mean, it's a vibe.
You know, we have learned so much.
It's incredible.
Marketing practically runs the world.
Who runs the world? Marketing.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, this jacket,
you probably got an Instagram ad, right?
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
What is happening right now, Chlo?
- What is going on?
- What?
Why the fuck are you talking to me
while sitting with this guy here?
We don't talk about school.
I don't care about your schooling.
Okay, first of all, it's my boyfriend.
Second of all, I was just telling you
about a class that I like. God!
Marquise, let's go.
Peace and love, player player. Bless up.
When Chloe said
she wanted to major in film,
my dad made a phone call
and got Chloe into one of the best
film schools in the country.
But she'd rather take marketing classes
so that she could be closer
to her football-player boyfriend,
who is probably too concussed
to even know what his major is.
Jo!
Jo!
Yo. Do you know anything
about this marketing class
Chloe and her weird-ass boyfriend
were talking to me about?
What? No.
Of course I knew!
Because my kids love me
and they communicate with me.
But I told her not to bring it up
with him yet, though.
Fucking amateur hour with this kid.
What is all this?
Just little swag bags
for kids at the party.
Truffle chocolates?
Samsung watches? Earbuds?
Tiffany jewelry?
Fendi keychains?
Are the kids Golden Globe nominees?
It's just little knickknacks. Relax, dude.
My college fund's taken care of, right?
Like, I should be able to get
through all four years
with relatively no concerns?
Yeah, we're fine. Come on.
Are these polarized Ray-Bans?
Yes, you don't want your kids
getting eye cancer! Right?
You don't want that karma.
I mean, yeah.
Could I be more hands-on
like Jo is with the kids?
Sure.
But I can't
because I actually have to work.
A real job.
Oh, my God. Okay. He got it.
- 156. 157. 158. 159.
- Not gonna make it. Not gonna do it.
- Nope. No.
- Two minutes!
Pay me!
Pay me! I want it in cash.
Go to the ATM. Get it. I don't care!
I don't want to hear shit. I want money.
Better pay.
- Yeah.
- What did he say it was?
That was so stressful.
Don't look at me like that
with your judgment and your jug of water.
You know that water is more expensive
than gas per gallon?
I bought that with sticking my head
into water...
buckets.
And you sit there looking at me
full of judgment.
Life's got a real lesson to teach you.
Okay, guys, let's do what we do
as professional writers
and go to work.
We're working like we do.
It's characters and dynamics,
that's what we do, guys.
This is a professional writer's room
where we just do characters and dynamics.
What?
I would love to talk
about characters and dynamics.
That's great, Leeza,
that's what we do all the time.
- What?
- Guys, guys, guys...
my kid is here, it's just, like,
a documentary, it's a thing.
Can we please, I swear to God...
Can we please, just for a second...
They have a... I don't want to be
on camera, and why is this our...
I will call your agent so fast.
You are a diversity hire.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I would actually
like to take this moment,
if we're really gonna work,
I'd love to work.
- That would be amazing.
- We always work.
- I think we should go over...
- Hey!
I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Oh, my fucking God, dude.
You gotta be kidding me.
We just wanted to bring some food
for lunch
- and celebrate the new season.
- What?
You can just put it over there. Thank you.
Gotta be fucking kidding.
- I got you some Roscoe's.
- Roscoe's!
Chicken and waffles, yep.
It's for everybody now.
- Thank you.
- Just to celebrate the new season.
We love it!
Dude, that's not why she came.
She never just does stuff
to be doing it to be nice.
This was a classic dad-type check.
- A what?
- A dad...
She wanted to see what was in the room.
I know what she was up to.
I'm Joya, by the way.
I'm Kenya's wife.
- Hi, Joya.
- Very nice to meet you.
And this is Brooklyn.
Say hi to Daddy!
This is our youngest of six.
- Six. We got six kids.
- Six?
- You do not have six children.
- I do. I do.
- It's crazy, right? It's so crazy.
- It's nothing crazy.
I mean, people come back.
Yeah. So many new faces.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. There is. There is.
- Lots of new faces. Um...
- Mm-hmm.
That's sort of my subtle way of telling
you I want to be introduced, so...
Okay. Uh...
You know Jerome,
or maybe you haven't met Jerome. Nelson.
- 'Kayla. Leeza.
- Hi.
- You know, of course...
- I didn't get your name.
- It's Mikayla.
- Mikayla.
- Yeah.
- Nice to meet you.
I see through her.
See right through her.
And you, of course, know Broadway.
Yes. Yes, I do.
Broadway.
If it wasn't for gay sex, I'd be gay.
For real.
I mean,
my dude would probably be hella in shape,
hella fun, hella rich.
We'd probably play catch
and Madden and shit.
I'm telling you,
gay niggas have a better life.
If it wasn't for smashing other dudes.
Okay, Broadway, cool.
Well, nice to see you, as always.
Let's go eat something, okay?
Rawr! Rawr!
- Okay.
- I'm not hungry.
Well, we're gonna eat anyway.
Yeah, that's the introductions.
It's really nice to meet all of you.
I mean, it's crazy
that he even remembers your names,
like, he can't remember
our kids' birthdays.
- That tracks.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I don't blame him with six kids.
- Not...
- Yeah.
- That's very funny.
- Well, thank you so much for great jokes.
- Okay. Come on, boo boo. Let's go.
And bringing my child here.
- I appreciate you.
- Really good to meet you.
Especially you, Mikayla.
Great to meet you. Yeah.
We're gonna go now.
Give Daddy back his phone.
You don't know what's on there! Okay.
All right, bye! See you!
- Bye, Brooklyn!
- See ya!
Bye, Brooklyn!
- She is fantastic.
- Yeah.
- Is she?
- Yeah, definitely. Your wife is a queen.
Yeah.
And her snap-back game
is Angela Bassett-esque.
What?
I'm just saying, she's like
a caramel rubber band, you know?
- Stop while you're ahead.
- What the fuck is happening right now?
I'm hearing myself say it,
it sounds inappropriate.
I meant to say was that
she's a beautiful woman
and she's an amazing mother.
Why is she an amazing mother?
Because she brings us some soggy waffles
that probably should not travel,
and fried chicken?
Or because she takes her three-year-old
son who can't fend for himself
and she'd go to jail if she left him
at home to wherever she's going?
But she is amazing.
I'm not saying she's not.
All I'm saying is,
isn't it kinda weird that
literally, you almost never hear someone
say someone's an amazing black dad?
Hm!
You hear it with the mom, but you almost
never hear it with a black man.
If I ask you right now,
name an amazing black dad.
Uh...
- Cosby.
- No. No.
But if I asked you to name
an amazing black mom.
Then I would say Michelle Obama. Hello?
- Beyoncé.
- I love Serena Williams too.
- She's always posting about her baby.
- And Jada Pinkett Smith.
Jada Pinkett Smith. And her mom, too.
- Maya Angelou is good too.
- Moms Mabley.
- Moms Mabley, she has "Moms" in her name.
- All good examples except that.
But yes, she probably was,
you know, actually, to be fair.
My point being is,
don't you think it's weird how
in the streets,
the black moms' fucking rep
is like Marvel-superhero level.
They might as well walk around
with capes on. They can do no wrong,
but black dads in the street,
our shit is trash.
Trash.
That's for real. Seriously.
I mean, black dads
are like the Hitlers of dads.
- No offense, sir.
- Could you not call me "sir?"
Just as a rule.
Also, why would you assume that
I'd be offended by you mentioning Hitler?
You think I'm a Nazi sympathizer?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, sir!
- Is that it? Is that...
This is what I was trying to avoid.
To be fair, it's weird.
- I told you about this.
- I can see it now.
Okay. Look, I'm just saying this,
it's not like you don't get love, okay?
There's people always praising you
about being such a great writer.
And for Joya, you know,
she gets praised for being a mom.
She gets a lot of love
for being a lawyer too. Like, a lot.
I feel like, why can't it go both ways?
Why can't I get praised
for being a great writer,
and I also have six kids.
She didn't do that by herself.
So, why can't we get both?
- They should.
- Oh, my God.
- Okay, Leeza. What?
- What?
Seems like you're about
to have an aneurysm.
- Say what you gotta say.
- I wasn't going to say anything,
it's just a little ridiculous to me
that you're trying to equate this
because... Anyway, I'm sorry.
It's just that,
you know, when Dan takes the kids
to the park once a week, once,
everyone's like, "Oh, how amazing."
You know? And then I'm here
with you people all day.
- What?
- Oh, okay.
That was not a racist thing to say.
This job is hard, and then I go home
and I'm cooking dinner,
and I do bath-time and story-time,
and then, and, and...
I take the kids to the park
and I fall asleep
one time. One time!
Because I took a really small hit
on my, you know,
medically prescribed "bliss: dosist" pen,
which Dr. Chimchor said
I need for my anxiety, so...
And the next thing I know,
I'm being questioned
by fucking Hispanic and Asian cops
for 35 minutes.
"Are you okay? Where are your children?"
Like I'm a bad mom,
and I was like,
"You know what? Fuck you."
Wow.
That story had so much...
Did you get...
Every single word.
I don't even really know where to start.
Uh, I think maybe we can start
with why it was necessary
to disclose the races of the officers.
I'm painting a picture.
My point is
that I think that dads are celebrated
for doing ten percent
of the stuff
that moms are just expected to do.
You know, I think that is probably true
about white fathers,
but I don't think the black fathers
get the same presumption of goodness.
- Oh, my God.
- Amen.
Wait, "amen?"
You're not a father.
You're just a nigga who needs a vasectomy.
Ooh.
Hilarious.
Nelson.
Even though sometimes he be dropping
hellified black facts,
I don't really mess with dude like that.
How come?
I guess he got a face you want to shoot.
I think you mean punch.
How you know what I mean?
Nelson's kinda got a point.
As a black dude,
we're constantly running from the ghosts
of, like, "bad black dads past,"
and if I'm being honest,
it started from back in slavery.
Okay.
- Well...
- It did!
- It fucking started back in slavery!
- Here we go.
I'm gonna hydrate.
I'm serious.
I don't know if you know this,
but this country's been ripping
black fathers away from our kids
ever since we got here.
They profit off our backs
and threw us into a fucking police state.
You know one in four black men
spend time in prison?
One in fucking four.
Generations of black children
have had to grow up without their dads,
subsequently leaving generations
of black fathers
with no reference
on how to parent their children.
And the job market looks at every
black man like we're criminals,
because society has perpetuated
the image that that's all we are is thugs.
♪ We could've been somebody ♪
They took away our access
to quality education,
and made sure the only jobs
we're fit to work were unskilled labor.
They're keeping us fucking...
too poor to care for our families.
This country shits on black fathers
for existing
and then praises black mothers
for surviving.
It's fucked up.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Leeza?
Is she okay?
Dude, that's not weed. That's heroin.
So what do you think
about that idea?
Look, babe, don't get me wrong,
your mom's a great mom,
but I've basically defied
every possible fucking odd
to provide for our family
and still there's absolutely nothing
I can do to be seen as a good dad.
Like, nothing.
You could remember your kids' birthdays.
Yo!
Yo, what up? What up, guys?
- Hey, Dad! You made it!
- Yeah.
Who are those presents for?
Huh?
Pops literally just had his birthday.
How could he forget?
I don't know,
but it was so funny.
He might have
early-onset dementia..
which is a little less funny.
Yeah.
Check it out! Check it out! Check it out!
- Whoa!
- There it is! There it is!
Shoot the laser!
Careful! Careful of the lasers.
Who's it gonna shoot?
It's gonna shoot you.
It's gonna get you! It's gonna get you!
Was I bothered by all the dad love
Jim was getting?
No.
Fuck Jim.
You got it! You got it! You got it!
Go! Go! Go!
Why? Does it seem like I was bothered?
'Cause I wasn't.
Fuck Jim.
My father stole dirt from Dodger Stadium
and built me a baseball mound
in the backyard.
Try to do that.
Oh, my God.
Coach John had a stroke.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
- Do what?
- I'll coach the team.
I'm in. I'll do it, dude.
I'm in, guys. I'll take over.
Okay.
Was it an insane first response?
It was an insane first response.
He didn't even ask if he was okay.
I mean, Coach John has got kids, a wife,
people who depend on him.
At that point, it wasn't even clear
if the man was alive or dead.
It was just a total disregard
for all social norms.
Jim can go fuck himself.
Seriously. I'll fuck Jim up.
I will fuck Jim up.
Fuck Jim!
I'm sorry, what... what is this for?
♪ Yo, the sun don't shine forever ♪
♪ But as long as it's here
Then we might as well shine together ♪
♪ Better now than never
Business before pleasure ♪
♪ P. Diddy and the Fam
Who you know do it better? ♪
♪ I'mma win 'cause
I'm too smart for these cats ♪
♪ While they makin' up facts
You rakin' up plaques ♪
♪ We got the real live shit
From front to back ♪
♪ To my people in the world
Where the fuck you at? ♪
♪ Where my niggas is at?
Where my niggas is at? ♪
♪ Where the fuck my bitches at?
Where my bitches is at? ♪
♪ We got the real live shit ♪
♪ Fuck y'all niggas wanna do ♪
♪ It's all fucked up now ♪
What's up, Badgers?
Okay.
Not an enthusiastic group.
All right, more stoic.
Stoicism.
It's a good quality for a team.
Not for a dad, like my dad was,
but it's okay. It's great for a team.
Um... I'm Coach Kenya.
Little Griffey Jr.'s over there, his pops.
It's unfortunate...
what happened to Coach John.
Sorry about your dad, Brandon.
But in youth baseball, as in war,
something we learn is that shit happens.
Some shit happened to John.
No, I'm just kidding.
Strokes aren't funny.
Again, sorry about your dad, Brandon.
But, if we're being honest,
you guys are 0 and 8,
so other than for Brandon,
it's kinda a little bit of a blessing.
See a lot of interesting faces out here.
Very diverse team.
Is that a girl? Hey, sweetie.
You guys be a gentleman to her.
It's important,
diversity against adversity.
Lot of fashionable guys.
Sunglasses upside down by hat.
I like that.
It's nice. Sunglasses on, nicer.
Um, with that in mind,
I brought some booties.
No? No takers?
You guys just gonna let your kicks
get dogged out.
You wanna have them fresh for the game.
That's showtime.
Okay, Pops.
Do I have to?
I mean, we're gonna be the leader on this.
Lead the pack.
They'll follow it. Trust me, son.
It's gonna be a great season, guys.
You're 0 and 8,
but you still have a chance.
That's how bad this league is.
We can be winners amongst losers.
All right, guys. Let's go.
For generations, there's been an image
that's been synonymous
with the best father-son relationships.
A little game of catch.
All the good fathers make time for it.
But you know what the great fathers do?
They grab a hat,
and they put on a whistle to coach.
That's what the great ones do.
Hey, attaboy, champ.
Ooh. Good job. Oh, strong.
Oh. That's okay, Pops.
You'll get the next one.
The sun was in your eyes on that one.
Very nice.
Oh, my God, that's...
I guess that's cool.
Just one more time. Do it right.
You okay?
Oh! No, use the glove.
Ow!
This is all my fault.
Pops can't catch
because I never played catch with him.
I'm a bad black dad.
Still sticking with that A, huh?
Somebody's gonna
fuck you up one day.
Watch. I mean, I hope not
because I love you,
but it's going to happen.
So look,
this thing I want you to remember:
The danger is real,
but the fear you're having is a choice.
Heard that before?
Isn't it that that old guy
in that Jaden Smith movie?
Uh, that old guy is an amazing actor
and even more amazing black father,
Will Smith.
He did a movie with his son.
He could have done it with a real actor,
but he did it with his son.
He lent his overwhelming,
international box office appeal
to his son,
so that when domestic audiences
were repelled by his son,
international audiences would embrace him
and thusly, make the movie be seen
as a success,
giving birth to the pink-haired,
eyebrow-less wonder
you know as Jaden Smith.
That's what you do as a father.
When people are repelled by your son,
like this team is repelled by you,
I lend my success to you.
Okay?
- Okay.
- Danger is real. Fear a choice.
- Okay.
- Okay. Danger is what?
Fear. Wait. Danger is what?
Just catch the ball, bud.
- Can we get Menchie's after this?
- Just catch the ball!
Let's try it again.
We're gonna go in a different direction
with this coaching thing.
Of course they fired me.
My son's the worst player on the team.
I neglected the cornerstone of fatherhood.
Catch.
- Smoothies, guys!
- Yay!
I got...
I got a Berry Bonds.
I got a Nomar Garcia-Pear-a.
We got a Roger Lemons.
Why didn't I just bring orange slices?
Smoothies, guys! Come get them!
I remember that kid.
He was cool.
Your team took a big loss today, bud.
A big loss.
Yeah, but I still had
a lot of fun today, Dad.
Uh-huh.
Coach Jim coaching,
you guys are going 0 and 10.
Won't win a game.
Losers.
But I still had
a lot of fun with you today, Dad.
It was really cool.
Smoothie's not even all that good.
Sometimes, the universe just finds a way
to give you another shot.
What kind of dad would I be
if I didn't take my family
to the annual bowling night?
Bowling is the cornerstone of fatherhood.
It's America's game.
Isn't that baseball?
No, that's America's pastime.
Well, then isn't it football?
What grade do you give yourself
as a daughter?
Just, what do you feel like you're earning
in this class of daughterhood?
I feel like you're having trouble passing.
♪ Let's have a good time ♪
Yes, all right, everyone, this fun, right?
This is family fun.
We're enjoying ourselves.
Those are it. Okay.
Four, boom! Izzy, yours.
These aren't my size.
- These aren't my size either!
- I think you got all the sizes wrong.
It doesn't matter in bowling.
It's just sizes.
- Sizes don't matter.
- Check it out, you guys!
Whoa!
That's so cool!
- Right.
- Are you kidding me?
Got shirts.
- You got shirts?
- Yeah.
We just talked about this this afternoon.
I got a shirt guy.
- He's got a quick turnaround.
- You have a shirt guy?
- Medium. Kam's a small.
- This is awesome.
Pops, that's for you.
I know you love an extra slim.
- It says my name!
- Kids large.
Mom! Mom! Mom!
A chant? Seriously?
Mom! Mom!
Fucking chant?
Mom! Mom! Mom!
I'm an A+ mom. What can I say?
When I show up, people expect a show.
Not only am I completing
with my own amazing black mom,
I'm also competing
with every other amazing black mom
on the planet.
A pepperoni pizza?
That's me. Right here, sir.
Pepperoni pizza, guys.
I ordered it for us.
I'm a father, the father who ordered
food for his family.
Ew.
Dive in, please.
Uh, we can't eat that.
No, it's pepperoni pizza.
Everyone just please, have some.
Dude, literally no one in this family
has eaten pizza in, like, ten years.
Yeah, I'm vegetarian.
- I'm gluten-free.
- I'm vegan.
And my dairy allergy will literally
make me have a grand mal seizure.
What is happening right now?
What kind of kids can't eat pizza?
Growing up,
if you couldn't eat pizza, that was like
God's way of saying
you weren't supposed to be here.
It's fine, I pre-ordered everybody's meals
based on their dietary restrictions.
- It'll be here in a second.
- What?
When did you do this?
How did you do this?
I have a guy.
- How many guys do you have?
- A lot.
Can we just get back to having fun?
This is why I never do anything
with you guys.
You're just a living, breathing
set of problems.
It is so great that the family's together
like this, isn't it?
What do you want, Bearby?
Uh, how would you feel
if I changed my major?
I knew it.
Dude!
It's like one of the best
liberal arts colleges in the country.
It's the number one film school
in the world.
Why can't you just be grateful?
You realize how much shit I had to do
to get you in there?
Only reason I didn't do that college game
everybody else in Hollywood was doing
was because they didn't tell black people
about it!
If it wasn't for racism,
I'd be locked up right now.
You know, you're so unsupportive.
I'm... I'm so unsupportive?
Yay!
Jeez, what happened to you?
Your sister sucks!
♪ Haven't left my room in a whole week ♪
♪ Wish I could turn back
The hands on the clock ♪
Hey, babe.
I meant to ask you earlier...
what the fuck is going on there
with those Nike-Chernobyl collabs?
Fuck! I look ridiculous, don't I?
I've been feeling it, dude.
I put them on and I was like,
"The whole thing,
it's a swing and a miss."
I took the swing. I missed.
And now, like my life,
it's a swing and a miss. Fuck!
- Fuck!
- God, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay, man.
Today was awful, yo.
All I wanted was for one nice night out
with everybody.
That's all I was looking for.
Since when did you become so obsessed
with family outings?
You never liked family outings.
The kids don't like family outings
and sometimes,
I'm not even sure you like the kids, so...
I mean, they're not great.
But they're still our kids.
Dude, you know what?
I think I've been
really worried about becoming my dad.
I love my dad, and bless his heart,
you know what I'm saying? But...
he was so busy working,
he was never really around.
I mean, whenever he was home,
he was so tired we never did shit.
Then I look around at these, you know.
white dads, like Jim,
having these "great relationships"
with their kids, and I feel like,
am I taking myself so much
out of the picture
that I'm becoming just like he was?
No, you're being ridiculous.
Am I?
I didn't even hang our son's picture up.
That's fucked up, dude. Seriously.
I feel like I'm so busy running
from the ghost of becoming my dad,
that I'm becoming my dad.
You...
are not your dad. Okay?
Thank you.
In other news,
apparently there's a lot of darkness
on the baseball team.
- The Badgers?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, what the fuck is going on there?
- I feel it, dude.
- I know. There's a weird energy, right?
So rumor has it that
all of the parents,
all of the parents are swingers.
- Yeah, dude.
- Marsha.
Marsha, for sure. Ringleader.
Key parties, okay?
Coke-fueled key parties,
like, all night long.
Fucking Marsha
seems like she's ready to go.
Fucking each other. Fucking everybody.
And the reason that Coach John
had a stroke
is because he got a dirty eight ball...
- that was sold to him by...
- Oh!
Ya man...
- Jim.
- Jim.
It's written all over his face.
- Un-fucking-believable.
- Yeah. I know.
- Un-fucking-believable.
- I know.
- I kinda wanna go.
- I know, me too.
- I kinda wanna go.
- Me too.
We should stay on the team
just a little bit longer and see...
- Hey, guys.
- Yo, what up?
Hey.
Look...
You're right.
So I just wanted to let you know
that I'm not going to change my major.
You know, I really appreciate what you did
to help me get into school.
And, I mean, it's an amazing degree
from a great school.
So, I'm gonna take advantage of it,
even if I don't end up
doing something in film.
Seriously?
Seriously.
But I do want to take
a couple more marketing classes
- if that's okay.
- Yeah.
If I'm still into it,
then maybe I can work a little bit harder
and do a marketing minor.
Okay.
You know, I'm really glad
that you didn't let me give up.
I'm never gonna let you give up, sweetie.
That's what I'm here for.
It's what me and your mom are here for.
So, uh, can I have some money?
Ugh.
I wanna get a cabin for the weekend
because Marquise has the day off
from practice and we want to get away.
I swear to God, it's fucking amateur hour
with this kid.
Please just go.
You don't have to spend your money.
You could spend your Amex points.
Those are our points!
We earned those points!
It took us 20 years!
Those are not your points!
Don't you dare ask for those points!
Okay, fine.
Jeez!
You gotta admit, dude.
At least she's on brand.
Yeah, it's really embarrassing.
Your writers' room's nice.
Especially Mikayla.
I just want him to know that I know
that he knows
that I know that he knows.
You know?
Amazingly, that actually makes sense.
Like I said,
my dad's kind of a miserable person,
but he wasn't wrong.
Being a black dad
does put you at a disadvantage.
Society expects you to fail,
to not be there for your kids,
to end up broke
and in and out of jail.
Black dads not only have to fight
the many battles of fatherhood,
but also the ghost of all the black dads
before them,
and the narrative
that society loves to perpetuate.
That the black man,
the black father, is less than.
But it's actually not true. Seriously.
A study by the CDC
showed that black dads
are actually spending more time
with their kids these days.
♪ From the first time the doctor
Placed you in my arms ♪
♪ I knew I'd meet death
Before I'd let you meet harm ♪
Black dads are more likely
than their white counterparts
to eat with their kids,
to change their diapers, to read to them.
Whoa! Come on.
And to play with them on a daily basis.
- What's happening?
- I'm practicing.
- What?
- Yeah.
So, yeah,
maybe my dad is a miserable person.
But he's a pretty solid dad.
Oh, yeah,
I'm for sure going to cut that.