Black-ish (2014–…): Season 8, Episode 10 - Episode #8.10 - full transcript
Dre: In America, education
is the path to prosperity.
The problem is, for centuries,
it was often denied
to Black people.
We were sent to crumbling,
segregated schools,
and even now,
many of our schools are
in crisis or underfunded.
That's why when I had kids,
I was determined to give them
the best education possible.
So we put them in
private school...
Valley Glen Prep.
The kind of school
that senators, CEOs,
and Ashton Kutcher
send their kids to.
But private school comes
with some trade-offs,
like being among only a
handful of Black families.
So we had to stay ready
to go to war for our kids.
Well, they're not letting
Zoey in honors math.
You know what that means.
Mm?
I'm about to solve
for an ass-whupping.
[ Rapping ] ♪ What's
up, big mouth?
So, they all did it,
but Junior is the only
one who got in trouble?
[ Ding ] Pff!
Dre: He won't be the
only one in trouble now.
[ Glass clinking ]
Today's menu...
Knuckle sandwiches.
♪ 'Cause I'm not nothing like
♪ Anyone once on the mic
Oh, they say Jack's
being disruptive!
[ Ding ]
We gotta go down there.
♪ We got mo', you ain't know
Someone's about to cut class.
Sure, it's never easy to
always have your guard up,
but that's the
sacrifice you make.
But with our last Johnson
child starting at the school,
we were hopeful that
we would be able
to put our shields
and swords away.
This is an e-mail
from the school.
They are worried
that Devante is not
keeping up with his peers.
But I guess today
is not the day.
I just watched "Karate
Kid" last night, babe.
I'm ready.
Progress.Mm-hmm.
We're not talking
about grades. No.
We're not talking about grades.
We're talking about progress.
Pshh. Progress?
It is always something
with this school.
I mean...
What, do they like it when I
put them in the hurt locker?
What is he falling behind in?
[ Scoffs ] Sitting
still in a circle?
Watering a plant?
He's in kindergarten!
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Just what I thought.
Not a drop of Curaçao left. Mm.
Use this, baby.Mm-hmm.
Okay, what... What
are you guys doing?
Your mother wanted to
do a little happy hour.
What the lady wants,
the lady gets. Ah.
[ Errol Ince's "West
Indian Carnival" plays]
Um, okay. Well, it is...
[ Beep, music stops ]
2:00 in the afternoon.
Hey, you stay out of
grown folks' business.
We're retired, sweetie.
It ain't like we
got anywhere to be.
Okay. Uh-huh.
Now, what's this I
hear about Devante?
We have a parent-teacher
conference tomorrow
to discuss his "progress."
Ooh. What?
Y'all get to have a fight?
Yes. Oh, yeah.
See, too often, these
schools come up with reasons
to separate our children
from the other kids.
Mm-hmm.
Dakota and Hunter
get fast-tracked
to the AP classes
while our children get
fast-tracked to detention.
and they already trying
to put him in the system.
What? What? Pops,
he's in kindergarten.
You go to school
for kindergarten?
Okay, you know what? Yes.
Dre and I are gonna go
down there tomorrow,
and we're gonna put
a smackdown on 'em.
That's right, baby. Aren't
we gonna do that? Mm-hmm.
That's what we're gonna do.
Boom. Boom! Yes, we are.
Well, not often
proud of you, son,
but this one brings a
tear to my eye.Mm-hmm.
Course, it might just be the
extra scotch bonnet pepper
in the cocktail. [ Sniffs ]
Well, you can't have a
Dirty Ruby without the kick.
Mm-hmm. Yeah? Come on, boo.
Mm, mm. Here we
go, baby. Come on.
While Bow and I
took on the system,
Junior was still reeling from
his break-up with Olivia.
[ Slurps ]
[ Sad piano music plays ]
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
[ Glass squeaks ]
Diane: Ridiculous.
They broke up weeks ago.
Future already had another baby
by the time Ciara
got with Russell.
Have a heart, Diane.
I mean, can't you see that
he's struggling? Yeah.
Just look at him.
All his muscle gains from
the summer, just gone.
Mm.
You know what? He needs us.
[ Junior slurping ]
Hey, friend.
How can we help?
Do you have a time machine?
No, uh, we don't,
but if we did, we'd
use it to cheer you up,
and I'd have put on some
deodorant this morning.
[ Sniffs ]
Too late for that.[ Groans ]
Um, okay.
What if we got you
out of the house,
go to a movie, huh?
Olivia liked movies.
Oh.Yeah, e-everyone
likes movies.
Okay, why don't we
just go for a walk?
Get some fresh air, huh?
The last walk Olivia
took was out of my life.
[ Slurping ]
Mm. You know what?
Why don't I get you dressed,
and I'll go take you out
for some of those
bottomless breadsticks
at Olive Garden?
Huh? Oh, you do love those.
Bro, are you serious?
Olive Garden?
Olive-ia?
Okay, you know, I'm gonna
stay here, [ Cup thuds ]
and I'm gonna learn the blues.
What?
[ Bluesy harmonica music plays ]
This "Junior being sad"
thing is making mesad,
and I didn't realize
I had emotions.
This is worse than
I thought. Yeah.
We've got to call in an expert.
Jack, I was...
Charles.
Diane.
Thisis your expert?
Hey, who better to help?
Before he got married,
Charlie was dumped hella times.
Oh, I was dumped on
the way over here
by an old girlfriend who
just got out of a coma.
She thinks it's still 2000.
Still has finger waves.
That's why I came up with
my patented "Charlie
Telphy Heartbreak Recovery,
Live Your Best Life
and Go On King,
Ten-Step System to Finding
More Fish in the Sea."
Hmm. Sounds legit.
Mm. [ Door slams ]
I'm glad you all paged me, too.
I'm gonna take his
shattered pieces
and build him to be
a better, stronger,
happier, sexier man.
We'll do whatever it takes.
Wonderful.
Before we go any further,
there's a matter of my fee.
Oh, yes, your popcorn
chicken is in the oven.
Mmm! Perfection.
We got a long night ahead of us.
Put a little hot
sauce on that fee.
Okay.
[ Shudders ]
On the day of the conference,
we went in with
supreme confidence.
Team Johnson was 12-and-0
against Valley Glen Prep,
and today wasn't going to
be the day we caught an I.
Hi, Dr. and Mr. Johnson.
I will be right with you.
Can I get you some water?
Uh, we're only thirsty
for the truth. Yeah.
But yes, I'd actually
really like some water.
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
Have me out here on my day
off to talk about my son?
I wish they would.
Let me tell you something...
When she comes back, we're
gonna light her ass up.
None of these kids are special.
None of them. Look at that.
These kids are garbage.
Look at that. What is
that, a purple tree?
[ Thinking ] Hold up.
Is Devante spelling his
name with a backwards "D"?
Bullcrap!
Is that even a "D"?
No.
All kids have problems
with their letters, right?
One plus one equals... Damn.
Some of their handwriting
is better than mine.
Is this school right?
Is the only Black kid in class
not keeping up with his peers?
When she comes back, I'm
telling you right now...
Oh. This is not a good look.
And that's when we bring up
the idea of a lawsuit, Dre!
No, babe.
Which means Bow
is about to go ham
on this unsuspecting
white woman for no reason.
Hello. Hi. We only
have sparkling.
Mm-hmm.
Gotta do something.
Aah!
[ Grunts ]
Mama! I'm having a heart attack!
Oh, my God! Baby!
I got you, baby!
Mama! Call an ambulance!
You gotta do what you gotta do.
Aah! Call an ambulance!
Oh, I think I'ma
need an ambulance!
Dre, I'm right behind you.
I'm right behind you, okay?
And everything's
gonna be just fine.
It won't be. It will be.
His "D's" were backwards, Bow.
Backwards!
Of all the times that you have
decided to fake a heart attack,
this is the first time
that I have supported
your decision.
I don't know where I'd be
without that move in my arsenal.
Mm. [ Inhales sharply ]
I'm gonna feel bad when I
have an actual one, though.
Here it is... The
scarlet letter.
Oh, no, babe.
This is worse than
"The Scarlet Letter."
At least with a backwards
"A," it's still an "A."
This is not a good look, Dre.
There's not enough Black
families at the school
for this to happen.
They're all sitting
around judging us,
thinking that we
don't read to our son,
that we let the TV raise him.
I feel like this school has
just been waiting around
to tear down a Black
family with five kids
who all have no jump-shot.
Absolutely.
Devante cannot finish
last in his class.
No. Please, no. Alright?
We've got to bring
him up to speed
for that "All About
My Family" project
that they're gonna put on
display at the Open House.
Absolutely!
And we're taking no shortcuts.
We're gonna stay
on top of Devante
until he's like that little
girl with the crossover
who won the spelling bee.
100%.
We will divert resources
from some of our other kids.
That's fine.
We were going to regret Diane
learning so much Russian anyway.
Oh, hell yes.
That child is frightening.
Okay.
We have now completed
successfully Step One...
Your sexification.
I wish the razor had slipped.
Hush with that attitude.
You'll never make it
through all 15 steps.
I thought there were only 10.
Do you want to help
your brother or not?
No.
Look, you're thinking about
all the wonderful things
about your lady that you miss.
I need you to make a
list of all the things
that you don'tmiss, okay?
We got to take her
from hot to thot.
There's nothing wrong
with her. She's perfect.
Yeah. Even I couldn't
find any flaws.
My only knock on her
was her taste in men.
Come on, now. Junior,
no one's perfect.
What? What, did she snore?
She drive fast?
She has a second
family in Tallahassee?
She look like it.
I mean, sometimes
she hit her teeth with the fork
when she ate.
Clanky-mouthed heifer.
Whoa, whoa!
I know it's hard,
I know it's hard,
but you got to
trust me, alright?
We got to knock her off
that pedestal in your brain.
Hey, Junior, remember that time
that we heard her
say "irregardless"?
No-grammar-having hussy.
Okay, this isn't working for me.
I'm gonna go scour her
social media account
for secret messages
that she misses me.
Uh...
Ugh.
Wow.
We didn't even pay you anything
and I still feel ripped off.
Hmm. This is worse
than what I thought.
We got to skip to Step Six.
Does Olivia have a
sister he can sleep with?
Charlie.
Or a cousin.
[ The Jackson 5's "ABC" plays ]
Bow and I knew our son
couldn't finish last,
so we leaned into
catching him up
ahead of his "All About
My Family" project.
Hey, buddy.
Let's get this project started.
Ah.
[ Sniffs ]
Yeah.
♪ 1, 2, 3, baby,
you and me, girl ♪
Ah. Okay.
Let me, uh... Let me take
this and go show Mommy.
[ Quietly ] Backwards "D."
♪ Reading, writing, arithmetic
No.
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, this is nice.
Oh, look at that.
What do you think?
♪ Teacher's gonna show you
♪ Show you, show you
Does Jack have a tail?
♪ Spell me, you
♪ You add the two
♪ Listen to me, baby,
that's all you gotta do ♪
Hey, Devante, finish
this sentence...
"My family is..."
Poop.
Poop.
Poop?
I would like to say
"Black excellence,"
but, uh... "poo" it is.
And all of our efforts
seemed to make a difference.
But would it be enough?
Looks good to me, Dre.
Of course you'd say
that. You have both legs.
Now, is that supposed
to be you, baby?
Mm-hmm. Ooh.
Black Jesus wept.
Those white folks are
going to eat you alive.
Come on, Ruby. Mm!
Okay.
Leaning in wasn't
gonna be good enough.
My son clearly needed a boost.
It's because I'm Black, right?
You'll be hearing
from my lawyer.
What?[ Cellphone beeps ]
Turns out the city
won't allow us
to go in the sewer
like Ninja Turtles,
so we got to skip
to Step Seven...
Manifestation.
Or as I like to call
it, "Mental Movies."
Ugh. This should be good.
I don't think I have
the energy for this.
Bro, it is so easy.
Just set your intention,
let it go, and
it'll come to you.
I do it all the time.
How do you think I got all
those toothpick swords, huh?
Charlie: Exactly.
So close your eyes
and manifest yourself
the girlfriend you want.
One with good credit and a donk.
No, I-I don't want to
be with anybody else.
I want to be with Olivia.
She's the only girl I've ever
felt such a connection to.
[ Sighs ] Look, I know
you're trying to help,
but I don't think the
Charlie Telphy method
is for me.
Charlie: Wow.
I really thought
that "Charlie Telphy's Soup
for the Brokenhearted Soul"
would've fixed him.
I think I gotta rethink
self-publishing this book.
Heading into the open house,
I did what I needed to do
to make sure people knew
that the Johnsons belonged.
How's it going? I see
Devante's got a little buzz.
Hmm.
It's going good, I think.
Hello.
[ Ominous music plays ]
♪♪
[ Whispering ] Oh, my God.
What did you do?
Is it too good? Yes!
I was worried that
all these people
were gonna judge
Devante, so I panicked.
Okay. You know, and
then I just... it...
At first, I just
added some legs,
and then I just got
lost in the art, babe.
Oh, my God. Who knew
I was so talented?
I am mopping the floor
with these 5-year-olds.
Ha!
Uh, you think we'll
get found out?
Uh, you know, is this cheating?
It is only cheating
if we get caught,
and we are not
going to get caught.
Mnh-mnh. We are not going to
be the Black family who cheats.
So, I don't care if we have
to fake Devante's paintings
all the way through college,
that's what we're gonna do.
We are not showing our asses...
Oh, my God. Ms. Biggs
is coming. What?
So, if she asks... Mm-hmm.
Just say that Devante
did this all by himself.
We just stick to our
story, and we'll be fine.
Bet.
Dr. Johnson, Mr. Johnson.Hi.
It's so great to see you.Biggsy.
So good to see you. Yes.
You know, I would love to
have a quick word with you
about Devante's project.
Oh, yeah. Sure, sure,
sure.Mm. Sure. Yeah.
Actually, just you,
Dr. Johnson. Oh, just me?
Yeah. Of course.
I-I'm right behind you.
Okay? Yep. Just follow me.
Your hair looks so good
today. Okay, thank you.
Alright. [ Clears throat ]
Mm.
Never break. Mnh-mnh.
Never snitch.
Go. I'm going.
Mm-hmm.
Principal Biggs was trying
to catch us slipping,
but I knew my baby
wouldn't crack.
Dr. Johnson. Ms. Biggs.
This is Devante's work
from last week. Mm.
Now, is there anything
you'd like to tell me?
His work has really improved.
Listen, I know that every parent
has an instinct to
help their child,
but you're not allowed
to do their work.
What makes you think we
would do his work for him?
5-year-olds don't draw
Gucci labels, Dr. Johnson.
Well, I guess children's
talent reveals itself
at different times, Ms. Biggs.
Dr. Johnson... Ms. Biggs.
Did you draw that picture?
It's Devante's work.
Dr. Johnson,
did you draw that picture?
That's Devante's work.
Dr. Johnson.
It's Devante's
work.[ Door opens ]
♪♪
Mr. Johnson. Hmm?
Can I speak with you?
Alright.
♪♪
♪♪
Mr. Johnson,
that's the third time
you've done that.
Let's get this over with.
You're barking up the
wrong tree, Biggsy.
Alright?
The Johnson family
clan is clean.
Now, I'm not accusing
you of anything.
I just have one
question, Mr. Johnson.
Did you draw that picture?
Pfft, did I draw that picture.
Mr. Johnson...
You've got to understand.
We're under so
much pressure here.
Devante can't be the Black
kid that's left behind.
You know how these people
are at this school!
They look at us
differently! It's not fair!
We're always under
the microscope.
Well, I'm gonna put you
under the microscope.
I am gonna call out
this institution.
You can't kick us out.
We quit.
Dre: Hey. Hey.
How'd it go?
Good. Good.
We're gonna have to find our
kids a new school to go to.
♪♪
What?
[ TV chatter ]
Put on your clubbing robe.
We've got a surprise for you.
We're taking you to Vegas!
Also, you're out of ink.
I started
self-publishing my book.
I really don't see how that's
gonna make me feel better.
Of course it will.
Vegas is a place where
desperation meets opportunity,
and boy, are you desperate.
He's not desperate.
He's just sad.
Look, Junior, it's time
we unbreak your heart.
Sure, Olivia was alright,
but you're a cool dude.
I mean, you're tall,
good-looking...
When you're not smiling...
And you have a job
that doesn't involve
you embarrassing
yourself on Instagram.
Even though this
didn't work out,
you're still a catch.
You really think that?
You know how I feel
about repeating myself.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
This dude's an idiot,
but if he can find
love, so can you.
Thanks.
Man, I really need
to wash this thing.
Diane: Mm-hmm. You sure do.
♪♪
We can't take the
kids out of school.
It's the middle of
the school year.
Well, you know, Valley Glen Prep
isn't the only good
private school, babe.
There's Oakwood,
there's Sierra Canyon,
there's that Catholic school
that had that thing
a few years ago
but they're good now.
Okay, even if we put
them in another school,
how do we know it's
gonna be any different?
We don't.
All I know is that we've
been playing defense
since our kids have
been in school.
Bow, I'm tired.
I'm tired, too.
I mean, it's not just school.
It just feels like it's
happening a lot lately.
Mm.
We're on the defensive at work
and with the neighbors.
It's just like, I can't
remember the last time
we didn't have our guard up.
[ Sighs ]
We didn't when we were
with Michelle Obama,
and that was fun.
That was so much fun.
Mm-hmm.
And it was easy.
Yes.
And it didn't feel like
all the eyes were on us.
We could just be.
Can't do that here.
At this school,
there's no anonymity.
Everyone knows that
we're the Black family.
Yeah. So, what do we do?
What? About Devante in school?
Yeah.
We do what we did
with the other kids.
We live with the trade-offs.
I guess.
I mean
we didn't haveto make such
a big deal out of this.
It was only a backwards
"D." [ Laughs ]
Yeah, we definitely could
have handled that differently.
Oh, boy.
I called Biggsy a cop and
knocked over a janitor's bucket.
[ Both laugh ]
She's a Black lady principal
who gets mistaken
for the lunch lady,
so I'm sure she can understand
how hard this place is, right?
I don't know.
Dre, I guess this is
what we have to do
to give our kids the best.
Yep. [ Sighs ]
Hmm.
Should we just keep them here?
Yeah, but let's tell
Biggsy tomorrow.
I told her I wasn't playing.
If we go back too soon, she'll
know that I was playing.
Yeah. Come on. Let's go.
There is no perfect solution
for where to send
our kids to school.
We want to give them
every advantage.
But sometimes, that comes
at a cost, even to us.
Finger painting?
Boy, they're trying to get
your prints into the system.
I'm not wasting
any more macaroni.
This is silly.
Your real education
is gonna come from
the streets, baby.
Son, when your life
is on the line,
do you really think a
member from Rollin' 60s
is gonna care about
your backward "D's"?
Mm-hmm. Mnh-mnh.
A backwards "C"
could save your life.
The first essential skill...
A pair of shooting dice.
Now, don't put
those in your mouth.
Not unless it's
part of your con.
I've seen it work before.
I'm gonna get us
some drinks, Earl.
[ Scoffs ]
Then we're gonna get into
the art of short-changing.
Alright, Devante.
That's Grandma baby.
Just pay attention
to Grandpa here.
Ah!
Snake eyes. Damn.
is the path to prosperity.
The problem is, for centuries,
it was often denied
to Black people.
We were sent to crumbling,
segregated schools,
and even now,
many of our schools are
in crisis or underfunded.
That's why when I had kids,
I was determined to give them
the best education possible.
So we put them in
private school...
Valley Glen Prep.
The kind of school
that senators, CEOs,
and Ashton Kutcher
send their kids to.
But private school comes
with some trade-offs,
like being among only a
handful of Black families.
So we had to stay ready
to go to war for our kids.
Well, they're not letting
Zoey in honors math.
You know what that means.
Mm?
I'm about to solve
for an ass-whupping.
[ Rapping ] ♪ What's
up, big mouth?
So, they all did it,
but Junior is the only
one who got in trouble?
[ Ding ] Pff!
Dre: He won't be the
only one in trouble now.
[ Glass clinking ]
Today's menu...
Knuckle sandwiches.
♪ 'Cause I'm not nothing like
♪ Anyone once on the mic
Oh, they say Jack's
being disruptive!
[ Ding ]
We gotta go down there.
♪ We got mo', you ain't know
Someone's about to cut class.
Sure, it's never easy to
always have your guard up,
but that's the
sacrifice you make.
But with our last Johnson
child starting at the school,
we were hopeful that
we would be able
to put our shields
and swords away.
This is an e-mail
from the school.
They are worried
that Devante is not
keeping up with his peers.
But I guess today
is not the day.
I just watched "Karate
Kid" last night, babe.
I'm ready.
Progress.Mm-hmm.
We're not talking
about grades. No.
We're not talking about grades.
We're talking about progress.
Pshh. Progress?
It is always something
with this school.
I mean...
What, do they like it when I
put them in the hurt locker?
What is he falling behind in?
[ Scoffs ] Sitting
still in a circle?
Watering a plant?
He's in kindergarten!
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Just what I thought.
Not a drop of Curaçao left. Mm.
Use this, baby.Mm-hmm.
Okay, what... What
are you guys doing?
Your mother wanted to
do a little happy hour.
What the lady wants,
the lady gets. Ah.
[ Errol Ince's "West
Indian Carnival" plays]
Um, okay. Well, it is...
[ Beep, music stops ]
2:00 in the afternoon.
Hey, you stay out of
grown folks' business.
We're retired, sweetie.
It ain't like we
got anywhere to be.
Okay. Uh-huh.
Now, what's this I
hear about Devante?
We have a parent-teacher
conference tomorrow
to discuss his "progress."
Ooh. What?
Y'all get to have a fight?
Yes. Oh, yeah.
See, too often, these
schools come up with reasons
to separate our children
from the other kids.
Mm-hmm.
Dakota and Hunter
get fast-tracked
to the AP classes
while our children get
fast-tracked to detention.
and they already trying
to put him in the system.
What? What? Pops,
he's in kindergarten.
You go to school
for kindergarten?
Okay, you know what? Yes.
Dre and I are gonna go
down there tomorrow,
and we're gonna put
a smackdown on 'em.
That's right, baby. Aren't
we gonna do that? Mm-hmm.
That's what we're gonna do.
Boom. Boom! Yes, we are.
Well, not often
proud of you, son,
but this one brings a
tear to my eye.Mm-hmm.
Course, it might just be the
extra scotch bonnet pepper
in the cocktail. [ Sniffs ]
Well, you can't have a
Dirty Ruby without the kick.
Mm-hmm. Yeah? Come on, boo.
Mm, mm. Here we
go, baby. Come on.
While Bow and I
took on the system,
Junior was still reeling from
his break-up with Olivia.
[ Slurps ]
[ Sad piano music plays ]
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
[ Glass squeaks ]
Diane: Ridiculous.
They broke up weeks ago.
Future already had another baby
by the time Ciara
got with Russell.
Have a heart, Diane.
I mean, can't you see that
he's struggling? Yeah.
Just look at him.
All his muscle gains from
the summer, just gone.
Mm.
You know what? He needs us.
[ Junior slurping ]
Hey, friend.
How can we help?
Do you have a time machine?
No, uh, we don't,
but if we did, we'd
use it to cheer you up,
and I'd have put on some
deodorant this morning.
[ Sniffs ]
Too late for that.[ Groans ]
Um, okay.
What if we got you
out of the house,
go to a movie, huh?
Olivia liked movies.
Oh.Yeah, e-everyone
likes movies.
Okay, why don't we
just go for a walk?
Get some fresh air, huh?
The last walk Olivia
took was out of my life.
[ Slurping ]
Mm. You know what?
Why don't I get you dressed,
and I'll go take you out
for some of those
bottomless breadsticks
at Olive Garden?
Huh? Oh, you do love those.
Bro, are you serious?
Olive Garden?
Olive-ia?
Okay, you know, I'm gonna
stay here, [ Cup thuds ]
and I'm gonna learn the blues.
What?
[ Bluesy harmonica music plays ]
This "Junior being sad"
thing is making mesad,
and I didn't realize
I had emotions.
This is worse than
I thought. Yeah.
We've got to call in an expert.
Jack, I was...
Charles.
Diane.
Thisis your expert?
Hey, who better to help?
Before he got married,
Charlie was dumped hella times.
Oh, I was dumped on
the way over here
by an old girlfriend who
just got out of a coma.
She thinks it's still 2000.
Still has finger waves.
That's why I came up with
my patented "Charlie
Telphy Heartbreak Recovery,
Live Your Best Life
and Go On King,
Ten-Step System to Finding
More Fish in the Sea."
Hmm. Sounds legit.
Mm. [ Door slams ]
I'm glad you all paged me, too.
I'm gonna take his
shattered pieces
and build him to be
a better, stronger,
happier, sexier man.
We'll do whatever it takes.
Wonderful.
Before we go any further,
there's a matter of my fee.
Oh, yes, your popcorn
chicken is in the oven.
Mmm! Perfection.
We got a long night ahead of us.
Put a little hot
sauce on that fee.
Okay.
[ Shudders ]
On the day of the conference,
we went in with
supreme confidence.
Team Johnson was 12-and-0
against Valley Glen Prep,
and today wasn't going to
be the day we caught an I.
Hi, Dr. and Mr. Johnson.
I will be right with you.
Can I get you some water?
Uh, we're only thirsty
for the truth. Yeah.
But yes, I'd actually
really like some water.
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
Have me out here on my day
off to talk about my son?
I wish they would.
Let me tell you something...
When she comes back, we're
gonna light her ass up.
None of these kids are special.
None of them. Look at that.
These kids are garbage.
Look at that. What is
that, a purple tree?
[ Thinking ] Hold up.
Is Devante spelling his
name with a backwards "D"?
Bullcrap!
Is that even a "D"?
No.
All kids have problems
with their letters, right?
One plus one equals... Damn.
Some of their handwriting
is better than mine.
Is this school right?
Is the only Black kid in class
not keeping up with his peers?
When she comes back, I'm
telling you right now...
Oh. This is not a good look.
And that's when we bring up
the idea of a lawsuit, Dre!
No, babe.
Which means Bow
is about to go ham
on this unsuspecting
white woman for no reason.
Hello. Hi. We only
have sparkling.
Mm-hmm.
Gotta do something.
Aah!
[ Grunts ]
Mama! I'm having a heart attack!
Oh, my God! Baby!
I got you, baby!
Mama! Call an ambulance!
You gotta do what you gotta do.
Aah! Call an ambulance!
Oh, I think I'ma
need an ambulance!
Dre, I'm right behind you.
I'm right behind you, okay?
And everything's
gonna be just fine.
It won't be. It will be.
His "D's" were backwards, Bow.
Backwards!
Of all the times that you have
decided to fake a heart attack,
this is the first time
that I have supported
your decision.
I don't know where I'd be
without that move in my arsenal.
Mm. [ Inhales sharply ]
I'm gonna feel bad when I
have an actual one, though.
Here it is... The
scarlet letter.
Oh, no, babe.
This is worse than
"The Scarlet Letter."
At least with a backwards
"A," it's still an "A."
This is not a good look, Dre.
There's not enough Black
families at the school
for this to happen.
They're all sitting
around judging us,
thinking that we
don't read to our son,
that we let the TV raise him.
I feel like this school has
just been waiting around
to tear down a Black
family with five kids
who all have no jump-shot.
Absolutely.
Devante cannot finish
last in his class.
No. Please, no. Alright?
We've got to bring
him up to speed
for that "All About
My Family" project
that they're gonna put on
display at the Open House.
Absolutely!
And we're taking no shortcuts.
We're gonna stay
on top of Devante
until he's like that little
girl with the crossover
who won the spelling bee.
100%.
We will divert resources
from some of our other kids.
That's fine.
We were going to regret Diane
learning so much Russian anyway.
Oh, hell yes.
That child is frightening.
Okay.
We have now completed
successfully Step One...
Your sexification.
I wish the razor had slipped.
Hush with that attitude.
You'll never make it
through all 15 steps.
I thought there were only 10.
Do you want to help
your brother or not?
No.
Look, you're thinking about
all the wonderful things
about your lady that you miss.
I need you to make a
list of all the things
that you don'tmiss, okay?
We got to take her
from hot to thot.
There's nothing wrong
with her. She's perfect.
Yeah. Even I couldn't
find any flaws.
My only knock on her
was her taste in men.
Come on, now. Junior,
no one's perfect.
What? What, did she snore?
She drive fast?
She has a second
family in Tallahassee?
She look like it.
I mean, sometimes
she hit her teeth with the fork
when she ate.
Clanky-mouthed heifer.
Whoa, whoa!
I know it's hard,
I know it's hard,
but you got to
trust me, alright?
We got to knock her off
that pedestal in your brain.
Hey, Junior, remember that time
that we heard her
say "irregardless"?
No-grammar-having hussy.
Okay, this isn't working for me.
I'm gonna go scour her
social media account
for secret messages
that she misses me.
Uh...
Ugh.
Wow.
We didn't even pay you anything
and I still feel ripped off.
Hmm. This is worse
than what I thought.
We got to skip to Step Six.
Does Olivia have a
sister he can sleep with?
Charlie.
Or a cousin.
[ The Jackson 5's "ABC" plays ]
Bow and I knew our son
couldn't finish last,
so we leaned into
catching him up
ahead of his "All About
My Family" project.
Hey, buddy.
Let's get this project started.
Ah.
[ Sniffs ]
Yeah.
♪ 1, 2, 3, baby,
you and me, girl ♪
Ah. Okay.
Let me, uh... Let me take
this and go show Mommy.
[ Quietly ] Backwards "D."
♪ Reading, writing, arithmetic
No.
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, this is nice.
Oh, look at that.
What do you think?
♪ Teacher's gonna show you
♪ Show you, show you
Does Jack have a tail?
♪ Spell me, you
♪ You add the two
♪ Listen to me, baby,
that's all you gotta do ♪
Hey, Devante, finish
this sentence...
"My family is..."
Poop.
Poop.
Poop?
I would like to say
"Black excellence,"
but, uh... "poo" it is.
And all of our efforts
seemed to make a difference.
But would it be enough?
Looks good to me, Dre.
Of course you'd say
that. You have both legs.
Now, is that supposed
to be you, baby?
Mm-hmm. Ooh.
Black Jesus wept.
Those white folks are
going to eat you alive.
Come on, Ruby. Mm!
Okay.
Leaning in wasn't
gonna be good enough.
My son clearly needed a boost.
It's because I'm Black, right?
You'll be hearing
from my lawyer.
What?[ Cellphone beeps ]
Turns out the city
won't allow us
to go in the sewer
like Ninja Turtles,
so we got to skip
to Step Seven...
Manifestation.
Or as I like to call
it, "Mental Movies."
Ugh. This should be good.
I don't think I have
the energy for this.
Bro, it is so easy.
Just set your intention,
let it go, and
it'll come to you.
I do it all the time.
How do you think I got all
those toothpick swords, huh?
Charlie: Exactly.
So close your eyes
and manifest yourself
the girlfriend you want.
One with good credit and a donk.
No, I-I don't want to
be with anybody else.
I want to be with Olivia.
She's the only girl I've ever
felt such a connection to.
[ Sighs ] Look, I know
you're trying to help,
but I don't think the
Charlie Telphy method
is for me.
Charlie: Wow.
I really thought
that "Charlie Telphy's Soup
for the Brokenhearted Soul"
would've fixed him.
I think I gotta rethink
self-publishing this book.
Heading into the open house,
I did what I needed to do
to make sure people knew
that the Johnsons belonged.
How's it going? I see
Devante's got a little buzz.
Hmm.
It's going good, I think.
Hello.
[ Ominous music plays ]
♪♪
[ Whispering ] Oh, my God.
What did you do?
Is it too good? Yes!
I was worried that
all these people
were gonna judge
Devante, so I panicked.
Okay. You know, and
then I just... it...
At first, I just
added some legs,
and then I just got
lost in the art, babe.
Oh, my God. Who knew
I was so talented?
I am mopping the floor
with these 5-year-olds.
Ha!
Uh, you think we'll
get found out?
Uh, you know, is this cheating?
It is only cheating
if we get caught,
and we are not
going to get caught.
Mnh-mnh. We are not going to
be the Black family who cheats.
So, I don't care if we have
to fake Devante's paintings
all the way through college,
that's what we're gonna do.
We are not showing our asses...
Oh, my God. Ms. Biggs
is coming. What?
So, if she asks... Mm-hmm.
Just say that Devante
did this all by himself.
We just stick to our
story, and we'll be fine.
Bet.
Dr. Johnson, Mr. Johnson.Hi.
It's so great to see you.Biggsy.
So good to see you. Yes.
You know, I would love to
have a quick word with you
about Devante's project.
Oh, yeah. Sure, sure,
sure.Mm. Sure. Yeah.
Actually, just you,
Dr. Johnson. Oh, just me?
Yeah. Of course.
I-I'm right behind you.
Okay? Yep. Just follow me.
Your hair looks so good
today. Okay, thank you.
Alright. [ Clears throat ]
Mm.
Never break. Mnh-mnh.
Never snitch.
Go. I'm going.
Mm-hmm.
Principal Biggs was trying
to catch us slipping,
but I knew my baby
wouldn't crack.
Dr. Johnson. Ms. Biggs.
This is Devante's work
from last week. Mm.
Now, is there anything
you'd like to tell me?
His work has really improved.
Listen, I know that every parent
has an instinct to
help their child,
but you're not allowed
to do their work.
What makes you think we
would do his work for him?
5-year-olds don't draw
Gucci labels, Dr. Johnson.
Well, I guess children's
talent reveals itself
at different times, Ms. Biggs.
Dr. Johnson... Ms. Biggs.
Did you draw that picture?
It's Devante's work.
Dr. Johnson,
did you draw that picture?
That's Devante's work.
Dr. Johnson.
It's Devante's
work.[ Door opens ]
♪♪
Mr. Johnson. Hmm?
Can I speak with you?
Alright.
♪♪
♪♪
Mr. Johnson,
that's the third time
you've done that.
Let's get this over with.
You're barking up the
wrong tree, Biggsy.
Alright?
The Johnson family
clan is clean.
Now, I'm not accusing
you of anything.
I just have one
question, Mr. Johnson.
Did you draw that picture?
Pfft, did I draw that picture.
Mr. Johnson...
You've got to understand.
We're under so
much pressure here.
Devante can't be the Black
kid that's left behind.
You know how these people
are at this school!
They look at us
differently! It's not fair!
We're always under
the microscope.
Well, I'm gonna put you
under the microscope.
I am gonna call out
this institution.
You can't kick us out.
We quit.
Dre: Hey. Hey.
How'd it go?
Good. Good.
We're gonna have to find our
kids a new school to go to.
♪♪
What?
[ TV chatter ]
Put on your clubbing robe.
We've got a surprise for you.
We're taking you to Vegas!
Also, you're out of ink.
I started
self-publishing my book.
I really don't see how that's
gonna make me feel better.
Of course it will.
Vegas is a place where
desperation meets opportunity,
and boy, are you desperate.
He's not desperate.
He's just sad.
Look, Junior, it's time
we unbreak your heart.
Sure, Olivia was alright,
but you're a cool dude.
I mean, you're tall,
good-looking...
When you're not smiling...
And you have a job
that doesn't involve
you embarrassing
yourself on Instagram.
Even though this
didn't work out,
you're still a catch.
You really think that?
You know how I feel
about repeating myself.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
This dude's an idiot,
but if he can find
love, so can you.
Thanks.
Man, I really need
to wash this thing.
Diane: Mm-hmm. You sure do.
♪♪
We can't take the
kids out of school.
It's the middle of
the school year.
Well, you know, Valley Glen Prep
isn't the only good
private school, babe.
There's Oakwood,
there's Sierra Canyon,
there's that Catholic school
that had that thing
a few years ago
but they're good now.
Okay, even if we put
them in another school,
how do we know it's
gonna be any different?
We don't.
All I know is that we've
been playing defense
since our kids have
been in school.
Bow, I'm tired.
I'm tired, too.
I mean, it's not just school.
It just feels like it's
happening a lot lately.
Mm.
We're on the defensive at work
and with the neighbors.
It's just like, I can't
remember the last time
we didn't have our guard up.
[ Sighs ]
We didn't when we were
with Michelle Obama,
and that was fun.
That was so much fun.
Mm-hmm.
And it was easy.
Yes.
And it didn't feel like
all the eyes were on us.
We could just be.
Can't do that here.
At this school,
there's no anonymity.
Everyone knows that
we're the Black family.
Yeah. So, what do we do?
What? About Devante in school?
Yeah.
We do what we did
with the other kids.
We live with the trade-offs.
I guess.
I mean
we didn't haveto make such
a big deal out of this.
It was only a backwards
"D." [ Laughs ]
Yeah, we definitely could
have handled that differently.
Oh, boy.
I called Biggsy a cop and
knocked over a janitor's bucket.
[ Both laugh ]
She's a Black lady principal
who gets mistaken
for the lunch lady,
so I'm sure she can understand
how hard this place is, right?
I don't know.
Dre, I guess this is
what we have to do
to give our kids the best.
Yep. [ Sighs ]
Hmm.
Should we just keep them here?
Yeah, but let's tell
Biggsy tomorrow.
I told her I wasn't playing.
If we go back too soon, she'll
know that I was playing.
Yeah. Come on. Let's go.
There is no perfect solution
for where to send
our kids to school.
We want to give them
every advantage.
But sometimes, that comes
at a cost, even to us.
Finger painting?
Boy, they're trying to get
your prints into the system.
I'm not wasting
any more macaroni.
This is silly.
Your real education
is gonna come from
the streets, baby.
Son, when your life
is on the line,
do you really think a
member from Rollin' 60s
is gonna care about
your backward "D's"?
Mm-hmm. Mnh-mnh.
A backwards "C"
could save your life.
The first essential skill...
A pair of shooting dice.
Now, don't put
those in your mouth.
Not unless it's
part of your con.
I've seen it work before.
I'm gonna get us
some drinks, Earl.
[ Scoffs ]
Then we're gonna get into
the art of short-changing.
Alright, Devante.
That's Grandma baby.
Just pay attention
to Grandpa here.
Ah!
Snake eyes. Damn.