Black-ish (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Dre anticipates a promotion at work. Andre Jr. announces he's converting to Judaism.
Okay,
so, I'm just your standard,
Regular ol'
incredibly handsome,
Unbelievably charismatic
black dude.
Now, this drooling,
pigment-challenged,
Mixed-race woman
is my wife, rainbow.
And, despite what she looks
like right now, she's a doctor.
We're lucky.
We've got a great house,
four great kids, and my pops.
It's a far cry
from where it all began.
That's why I promised my
parents I'd get an education,
Graduate,
and get myself out of there.
I guess for a kid
from the hood,
I'm living the american dream.
The only problem is,
whatever american
Had this dream
probably wasn't where I'm from.
And if he was,
he should've mentioned the part
About how when brothers
start getting a little money,
Stuff starts getting
a little weird --
Like in my neighborhood.
Sometimes I feel like
a bit of an oddity.
And if you look to your left,
You'll see the mythical
and majestic black family
Out of their natural habitat
and yet still thriving.
Go ahead and wave.
They'll wave right back.
They're smiling. Hi. Hello.
- The little ones are cute.
They're just --
just amazing.
Sometimes I worry that,
in an effort to make it,
Black folks have dropped
a little bit of their culture
And the rest of the world
has picked it up.
They even renamed it "urban."
And in the "urban" world,
Justin timberlake
and robin thicke are r&b gods,
Kim kardashian's the symbol
for big butts,
And asian guys are just
unholdable on the dance floor.
Come on! Big butts?
R&b and dancing?
Those were
the black man's go-tos!
I'm definitely not complaining.
I love my life.
And not that I want to go back
To the days of being
the big, scary black guy.
But I have to admit --
It did kind of have
its advantages.
Even though we were close,
my pops had a weird way
Of showing he loved me.
Hey, pops.
Hey, hey, son, can I just
get some coffee in me
And by "weird," I meant
he didn't show it at all.
Good morning, zoey.
Hey, dad.
Are you wearing
that awful cologne again?
Why?
Because it smells like you're
wearing the awful cologne again.
Did seem like a
pretty straightforward
question there, son.
Right?
Nice try. I'm not
gonna let you ruin my day.
Good morning,
mr. Senior vice president.
Mwah!
Hey, baby.
Hey.
Hear that, pops?
Stevens is announcing
my svp promotion at work today.
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, and if you'd have joined
that black firm,
Like I told you, you'd have been
mr. President five years ago.
Yeah,
but for half the money.
So?
It's a black company.
You got to make an adjustment
for the negro inflation tax.
Pops, I am gonna be the first
black svp at stevens & lido.
This job is about more
than just money to me.
Uh-huh.
It's about
breaking down barriers.
Yeah. Breaking down barriers --
equally important to money.
But just
so that I'm clear,
There is a salary increase,
right?
Yes, baby.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, junior.
Mm, mm, mm, mm!
Unh!
All right, all right.
Let's go.
All right.
Oh, why don't y'all
go get a room?
I can't believe
I marched on washington
And fought for my country
to watch y'all do that mess.
You shot yourself in the foot
to get out of the army.
And you were in d.C.
For an isley brothers concert.
You shot yourself?
Can we see?
Look here.
Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh. Pops.
I want to see!
Why do you have to
get to school so early, son?
Oh, uh,
tryouts are today.
I want to get a little extra
work in so I'd be ready.
Okay.
Work on the handle.
Lock down
that point-guard spot.
Um...There's no point guards
in field hockey, dad.
Field hockey?!
Man, isn't that
a woman's sport?
Nope. Um, a lot of people
think that, though.
A lot of people never think
about field hockey, man.
What happened?
We were hoopin' all summer long.
I thought you were gonna
try out for the team,
Show these valley glen boys
the johnson family jumper.
The johnson family wha--
Dad, you didn't hit
one jump shot all summer.
Hey.
It's not about the accuracy,
son, all right?
The family is known
for our form.
Look at that.
Look at that elbow.
Look at that.
Right.
Anyway, I thought
about playing hoop,
But all my friends are
fee-hocking it this year,
Fee--
so I figured, you know,
when in rome...
W-when in rome?
You are not in rome!
You're in l.A.!
You know what?
I'm not gonna let you
ruin my day.
Field hockey.
What's up, mr. J?
What's up, zach?
What's up, andy?
What's up?
"andy"?
That's not even close
to "andre."
I think it says
I'm edgy but approachable.
I think it says,
"I hate my father
And I play field hockey."
Well,
zach thinks it's cool,
And it's also
a derivative of "andre."
We discussed it,
and I think I like that --
There were so few of us
at stevens & lido
That being black
made you feel like
You were part
of a little family.
So when one of us made it,
it was kind of like we all did.
♪ who do you think you are? ♪
And right now, I was that one.
I'm not saying
I was the jackie robinson
Of stevens & lido advertising
or anything,
But, I mean, if other people
were saying it,
They wouldn't be wrong.
Hold on a second.
Killer kris.
Big dre, what up?
Or should I say
"mr. Senior vee-peezy"?
This is my assistant, kris.
Notice how I do the shake
with him.
That's because I consider him
an honorary brother.
Hey, kris,
let me ask you a question.
Yeah.
Did you ever want to play
the same sport
Your dad played
in high school?
Are you kidding?
Of course.
My dad was a frickin'
field-hockey god.
Meeting's in 10.
Whatever.
Yo! Dr. Dre!
This is josh.
Um...
Not an honorary brother.
...Just "andre."
Right. Sorry. Andre.
Hey, bro, we--
oh. I mean "andre."
Listen, we're working on
this folgers copy,
And we wanted to know
how you think a black guy
Would say "good morning."
Hmm.
Probably just like that.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
Hey, hey,
stevens called a meeting,
And I think something big
might be up.
You know,
I'm hearing "historic,"
"game-changing"
being tossed around.
Could just be office gossip.
Ha ha!
If I could have
your attention...
At stevens & lido,
there was a clear separation
Between lower management...
And upper management.
...In a bidding war...
And that always made me feel
like it was us...
Versus them.
...Get ready to work.
Even our snacks were divided.
We get cheetos and grape soda,
While they always get what
looks like a medieval feast.
Let's eat! Let's eat!
That's why this promotion
was such a big deal.
For once, one of us
Was going to get a chance
to be one of them.
More wine!
To us!
Actually, no!
To them!
Like my daddy said,
You chase a squirrel,
You better be prepared
to eat his nuts.
All right...
Uh, I'm sure you've all heard
I have an announcement.
Uh, myself and the board
have decided to up
A new senior vice president
here in the company.
What?! Ha ha!
That's crazy!
Oh, my god!
Hey, hey,
but very wise.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hm.
And this new svp
will also be heading up
Our creative presentation
To grab the $250 million
l.A. Tourism account.
All right.
It is a big deal for us.
We need a home run here.
Sabrina, I'm not gonna
forget about you
When I become one of them,
all right?
Excuse me. Excuse me.
All right.
Uh, excuse me.
Yeah.
...Change who we are.
So,
without any further ado,
I would like us all
to give a warm congrats
To the svp of our new
urban division, andre johnson!
Huh?!
That's right.
Andre!
Uh, I'm --
I'm sorry.
Uh...
Did you say "urban"?
Urban division.
Wait. Did they just put me
in charge of black stuff?
I don't like the social media at the table. I told you that.
- Junior, pass the hot sauce.
Okay. Hello! Okay.
To my husband,
senior vice president.
Yes!
Yeah!
Congrats to my son!
Yeah!
Finally made it, son.
Finally made it...
Holla!
...To head puppet
of the white man.
Oh, pops. Come on.
You're here to celebrate him.
Actually, you told
me I was coming over
to eat fried chicken.
I have no idea
what the hell this is.
Hey.
Really?
It's baked fried chicken.
Oh, so fried fried chicken
is too black for you.
Pops!
Pops, seriously?
Hey, hey. Hey, hey.
Babe, babe, babe, babe.
What?
You know what?
Pops is right.
You know,
I-I do feel like a puppet.
As you should.
I said I wanted to be the first
black svp for stevens & lido,
When, actually,
I wanted to be the first svp
Who happened to be black.
What's the difference?
Obama's the first
black president.
I mean, does that make him
any less president? No.
No, because he's
the first black president
Of the United States,
Not the first black president
of the urban United States.
Obama's the first
black president?
What --
You're doing a bang-up job
over here.
No, no, no. Hold on a second.
Let's explore this.
Jack, did you really
not know
That obama was
the first black president?
He's the only president
I've ever known.
"only." did you hear that?
"only."
he gets a pass.
So that explains his complete
lack of presidential trivia.
Hey. You two.
You knew that obama was the
first black president, right?
I g-guess.
Okay.
"okay"?
Mm-hmm.
See what I'm talking about?
Baked chicken.
What you doing?
Looking at pictures...
...Of my urban family.
Oh, my god.
You got to stop
with the whole pity-party thing.
You don't think I go through
this kind of thing all the time
being a female doctor?
It's not that big of a deal.
You got to keep it real.
That's what I said.
O-okay. All --
all this coming from, uh,
A biracial or mixed
or omni-colored-complexion,
Whatever-it-is-
they're-calling-it-today woman
Who technically
isn't even really black?
Okay, well,
if I'm not really black,
Then could somebody please tell
my hair and my ass?
Babe, you don't get it.
No.
This is how it starts.
What?
Babe, junior wants to play
field hockey.
I know.
What's wrong with that?
I --
Today,
it's field hockey.
Tomorrow, he's running from
the police in a white bronco.
Oh, my god --
are you suggesting
That our son is gonna grow up
and murder his wife?
Aha! You think o.J. Did it!
Oh, come on.
We can't have a keeping-it-real
conversation with that attitude.
No, no, no.
Stop, babe.
Baby,
the gloves didn't fit!
No, focus, dre.
You need to focus.
Okay.
This is
what you always wanted.
This is your dream
and this is our plan.
We're gonna climb the himalayas,
sex in the louvre,
And then we're gonna
successfully raise our family
In a better situation
than we had.
If you pass up this promotion,
we're 0 for 3.
Maybe you're right,
babe.
Ooh.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Mwah. I love you.
I love you, too.
No.
You didn't even let me
get it out.
I know, 'cause I can hear
what you're thinking.
Okay, well,
I'm just gonna do it.
No. No!
There he is --
my main man.
Hey.
Can't wait to see what you do
with that presentation.
Me too.
Really looking forward to it.
And, remember, really put
your swag on it, you know?
Keep it -- keep it real.
Keep it real?
Yeah. Be honest, be smart,
be you.
What, uh,
what did you think I meant?
I thought you meant that.
Okay.
"keep it real."
What's up, drigitty-dre?
Rewind!
My name's not --
Drigitty-dre-dre -- what?
Kick it.
That's inappropriate!
Bow-wow, wow-wow-wow.
Highly inappropriate!
Hey, babe.
Hey, babe.
Mommy, mommy. Mom.
Yeah?
Liza jackson asked
if we could have a playdate.
She's weird,
so feel free to say "no."
Liza jackson?
Which one is she?
You know, wears the nemo shoes
every...Single...Day?
Huh.
And the polka-dot
backpack.
Kind of smells like
a turkey burger.
Ew!
Wait a second.
Are you guys talking about
The only other little black girl
in your class?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Why didn't you
just say that?
I don't know.
Guess when I hear
"liza jackson,"
I just think
"nemo and turkey burgers."
Yep.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
What?
Don't you think
that's beautiful?
They don't see color.
No. I think
they need to be tested.
But when I say it,
I'm wrong.
I made the team!
Whoo! Yes!
Oh, my goodness!
That's so exciting!
Of course you did.
Yes!
Oh, god, I'm so happy!
Thank you.
Uh, zach? Can I help you
with something?
Uh, yeah, I've just been craving
some grape soda all day,
And my parents
just never buy any.
And why would you assume
we have --
found it!
Oh, and, dad,
me and some of the field mob
Decided what I should do
for my birthday party.
Field mob?
I want to have
a bar mitzvah.
A...
Before you say anything,
I know we're not jewish,
But zach knows a rabbi
who's great at pushing
through conversions, so...
Hold on -- so you'd be willing
to forsake your own religion
To have a party?
Short answer -- yes.
Are you listening
to this?
Dad,
now that I think about it,
If I do,
you won't have to worry
About anyone
calling me "andy" anymore,
Because when I convert,
I'll get a hebrew name.
I'm gonna go with
either "schlomo" or "shmuel."
What?
Both pretty solid, bro.
Shut up! Shut --
You know what?
Family meeting!
Everybody,
'round the table -- now!
I smell a group hug coming on.
I'm going to the track.
See you later, pops.
All right, listen up.
I may have to be "urban"
at work,
But I'm still going to need
my family to be black.
Not black-ish...
Wha--
but black.
So we're gonna start
with some strict guidelines.
So, then he sent me
a smiley face with a wink.
I mean,
I should be offended, right?
I'll text you.
All right.
From heretoforth,
We are going to
keep it real.
If I hear anybody calling you
"schlomo" or "shmuel"
Or especially "andy,"
I'm gonna back you over
and whoever else is saying it
In my car.
Dad --
quiet!
Now, I may have to
watch you play
Possibly the dumbest sport
in the world,
But I do not have to sit back
and listen to you rave
About other kids'
bar mitzvahs.
So, next Saturday,
when you turn 13,
You're becoming a man,
too --
A black man,
because I'm throwing you
An african
rites of passage ceremony.
Ha!
That does not sound
as fun.
No, it does not.
Okay, I have an idea.
Why don't we
take a black break
And go get
some white yogurt?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Hey, hey! Hold on, hold on.
Slow your roll, you two.
From here on out,
I'm gonna need you two
To describe people using
keeping-it-real identifications.
"the assailant was
a hispanic male
Between the ages
of 10 and 60."
See? Now I know
who I'm looking for.
Mommy,
daddy's scaring me.
Me too, baby. Me too.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, are we done with
this whole life-and-death,
Keeping-it-real speech?
And I'm not gonna be thinking
about keeping it real.
I'm gonna be thinking
about keeping him alive.
You're not the only one in this
house with an important job.
My job
is pretty important.
And, as I recall,
You were the one
who brought up
So this is my fault?
Yes, it's your fault.
Oh, this is my fault?
Oh, yes.
And, tomorrow, I have a very
important presentation to make.
Okay.
And you know what I'm gonna do
when I go in there?
I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna
keep it real as
Oka--
yeah, because that's
what you told me to do.
Oh, I'm pretty sure that's not
what I told you to do.
Oh, no, that's exactly
what you said.
If she thinks I'm finished
with keeping it real,
I am just getting started.
And if stevens & lido
really wants an urban svp,
I'll give them their urban svp.
Ha!
Oh, my god.
♪ it's bigger
than hip, hop, hip, hop ♪
Lalonde --
leonard landing at will.
And lalonde goes down!
So, that's my urban pitch
for the l.A. Tourism account.
Thoughts?
We're not really
doing this, right?
I thought it was funny.
Operation "keepin' it real"
was in full effect,
And although
it was off to a rocky start,
I still had high hopes.
Mm!
- Andre.
Yes?
What is this mess
you're doing?
This ain't no mess, pops.
This is our culture.
This ain't our culture.
We black, not african.
Africans don't even like us.
Dad, can I go?
No. Stand right there
and experience your roots.
You're better off
watching "roots."
Ah.
Uh-oh.
Should I start,
or do you want to?
Okay. Okay.
Uh, take that, son. Take that!
What is he doing?
- Don't look at me.
Ohh!
Hey, bow.
Look, baby, I had --
The boy wanted
a bar mitzvah!
Bow, I could use your support
right now.
I was trying to support you
when I called you at work today,
And my call was rerouted
to corporate security.
And they questioned me
for like 30 minutes
About my husband's
mental state.
Hmm. Weird.
Next time, just call my cell.
Ohh. Dre, what happened
at work today?
Look, mr. Stevens
failed to fully grasp
The irony of my pitch,
so we mutually decided
That we would take the weekend
to figure out
If...Stevens & lido was still
a perfect fit for me.
Still a perfect fit?
Dre?
He's thinking
about firing you?
I guess, if you want
to oversimplify it like that.
Oh, my god. Dre!
There is no winning with you!
You're upset because
they gave you the job
because you're black.
If they'd given it
to someone white,
You'd be upset they didn't
give it to someone black!
This "keeping it real" b.S.
Has got to stop.
I'm not gonna have you
running around torturing my son.
What was that? What are
you wear-- what are you wearing?
Whatever issues
you are working through,
You need
to get over them -- now.
Okay?
Nice shot.
So much
for the johnson family form.
Dad, listen, I get it.
You feel like
I'm turning into a white boy.
Mm-hmm.
But I'm not.
I'm just being me.
I'm just not quite sure
who that is yet.
Son, I realize
how difficult it must be
To feel like
the different one at school.
But it's also important for you
to hold on to your culture
And realize
how special it is.
Honestly, the only thing
I'm really trying
To hold on to right now
is my first boob.
I'm a ninth-grader
playing varsity.
That means something.
So this was all
a part of your plan.
Yeah.
Me and the field mob --
Hey, son, please --
stop calling yourselves that.
Fine.
Me and my boys
figured that
If we could just get our foot
in the door with other jocks,
We'd really get in there
and make some noise.
So, you really do
want to play basketball.
Yeah, dad.
But I suck at it.
All right, little man,
get in the house.
Go.
Who knew?
Boy wants to hold a boob.
You can't be mad at him
for that.
Hey, pops, how the hell
did you keep it real with us
When we were growing up?
I didn't.
I kept it honest.
So, I really screwed this up,
didn't I?
Screwing things up
is just another part
Of what it means
to be a father, dre.
It's how you learn
to fix things.
Just remember, son,
whatever you do,
Make sure it's right
for who you are.
If that boy
wants a bar mitzvah,
I'm gonna throw that boy
a bar mitzvah.
There you go.
Mm!
"hold a boob."
♪ yeah, yeah! ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I present
Andre jr.'s hip-hop bro mitzvah.
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ now, I say, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ shorty got down on me
and said, "come and get me" ♪
♪ yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I got so caught up,
I forgot she told me ♪
♪ yeah, yeah ♪
♪ her and my girl used to be
the best of homies ♪
♪ yeah, yeah ♪
♪ next thing I knew, she was
all up on me screamin' ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Sometimes keeping it real
means admitting you were wrong
But, as a dad, still finding
a way to be right.
Be damned if I'm calling him
andy, though.
Ha!
So, that los angeles
tourism campaign
Went a lot better
once I realized
That "urban" can also mean
hip, cool, and colorful,
Just like my family.
So, taking a cue
from my very wise son,
I decided
to get my foot in the door
And really make some noise.
And, just like that,
I became the svp of stevens
& lido's urban division.
Funny thing is --
I didn't feel urban.
I just felt like a dad
who was willing
To do whatever he had to
for his family.
And isn't that
the american dream?
so, I'm just your standard,
Regular ol'
incredibly handsome,
Unbelievably charismatic
black dude.
Now, this drooling,
pigment-challenged,
Mixed-race woman
is my wife, rainbow.
And, despite what she looks
like right now, she's a doctor.
We're lucky.
We've got a great house,
four great kids, and my pops.
It's a far cry
from where it all began.
That's why I promised my
parents I'd get an education,
Graduate,
and get myself out of there.
I guess for a kid
from the hood,
I'm living the american dream.
The only problem is,
whatever american
Had this dream
probably wasn't where I'm from.
And if he was,
he should've mentioned the part
About how when brothers
start getting a little money,
Stuff starts getting
a little weird --
Like in my neighborhood.
Sometimes I feel like
a bit of an oddity.
And if you look to your left,
You'll see the mythical
and majestic black family
Out of their natural habitat
and yet still thriving.
Go ahead and wave.
They'll wave right back.
They're smiling. Hi. Hello.
- The little ones are cute.
They're just --
just amazing.
Sometimes I worry that,
in an effort to make it,
Black folks have dropped
a little bit of their culture
And the rest of the world
has picked it up.
They even renamed it "urban."
And in the "urban" world,
Justin timberlake
and robin thicke are r&b gods,
Kim kardashian's the symbol
for big butts,
And asian guys are just
unholdable on the dance floor.
Come on! Big butts?
R&b and dancing?
Those were
the black man's go-tos!
I'm definitely not complaining.
I love my life.
And not that I want to go back
To the days of being
the big, scary black guy.
But I have to admit --
It did kind of have
its advantages.
Even though we were close,
my pops had a weird way
Of showing he loved me.
Hey, pops.
Hey, hey, son, can I just
get some coffee in me
And by "weird," I meant
he didn't show it at all.
Good morning, zoey.
Hey, dad.
Are you wearing
that awful cologne again?
Why?
Because it smells like you're
wearing the awful cologne again.
Did seem like a
pretty straightforward
question there, son.
Right?
Nice try. I'm not
gonna let you ruin my day.
Good morning,
mr. Senior vice president.
Mwah!
Hey, baby.
Hey.
Hear that, pops?
Stevens is announcing
my svp promotion at work today.
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, and if you'd have joined
that black firm,
Like I told you, you'd have been
mr. President five years ago.
Yeah,
but for half the money.
So?
It's a black company.
You got to make an adjustment
for the negro inflation tax.
Pops, I am gonna be the first
black svp at stevens & lido.
This job is about more
than just money to me.
Uh-huh.
It's about
breaking down barriers.
Yeah. Breaking down barriers --
equally important to money.
But just
so that I'm clear,
There is a salary increase,
right?
Yes, baby.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, junior.
Mm, mm, mm, mm!
Unh!
All right, all right.
Let's go.
All right.
Oh, why don't y'all
go get a room?
I can't believe
I marched on washington
And fought for my country
to watch y'all do that mess.
You shot yourself in the foot
to get out of the army.
And you were in d.C.
For an isley brothers concert.
You shot yourself?
Can we see?
Look here.
Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh. Pops.
I want to see!
Why do you have to
get to school so early, son?
Oh, uh,
tryouts are today.
I want to get a little extra
work in so I'd be ready.
Okay.
Work on the handle.
Lock down
that point-guard spot.
Um...There's no point guards
in field hockey, dad.
Field hockey?!
Man, isn't that
a woman's sport?
Nope. Um, a lot of people
think that, though.
A lot of people never think
about field hockey, man.
What happened?
We were hoopin' all summer long.
I thought you were gonna
try out for the team,
Show these valley glen boys
the johnson family jumper.
The johnson family wha--
Dad, you didn't hit
one jump shot all summer.
Hey.
It's not about the accuracy,
son, all right?
The family is known
for our form.
Look at that.
Look at that elbow.
Look at that.
Right.
Anyway, I thought
about playing hoop,
But all my friends are
fee-hocking it this year,
Fee--
so I figured, you know,
when in rome...
W-when in rome?
You are not in rome!
You're in l.A.!
You know what?
I'm not gonna let you
ruin my day.
Field hockey.
What's up, mr. J?
What's up, zach?
What's up, andy?
What's up?
"andy"?
That's not even close
to "andre."
I think it says
I'm edgy but approachable.
I think it says,
"I hate my father
And I play field hockey."
Well,
zach thinks it's cool,
And it's also
a derivative of "andre."
We discussed it,
and I think I like that --
There were so few of us
at stevens & lido
That being black
made you feel like
You were part
of a little family.
So when one of us made it,
it was kind of like we all did.
♪ who do you think you are? ♪
And right now, I was that one.
I'm not saying
I was the jackie robinson
Of stevens & lido advertising
or anything,
But, I mean, if other people
were saying it,
They wouldn't be wrong.
Hold on a second.
Killer kris.
Big dre, what up?
Or should I say
"mr. Senior vee-peezy"?
This is my assistant, kris.
Notice how I do the shake
with him.
That's because I consider him
an honorary brother.
Hey, kris,
let me ask you a question.
Yeah.
Did you ever want to play
the same sport
Your dad played
in high school?
Are you kidding?
Of course.
My dad was a frickin'
field-hockey god.
Meeting's in 10.
Whatever.
Yo! Dr. Dre!
This is josh.
Um...
Not an honorary brother.
...Just "andre."
Right. Sorry. Andre.
Hey, bro, we--
oh. I mean "andre."
Listen, we're working on
this folgers copy,
And we wanted to know
how you think a black guy
Would say "good morning."
Hmm.
Probably just like that.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
Hey, hey,
stevens called a meeting,
And I think something big
might be up.
You know,
I'm hearing "historic,"
"game-changing"
being tossed around.
Could just be office gossip.
Ha ha!
If I could have
your attention...
At stevens & lido,
there was a clear separation
Between lower management...
And upper management.
...In a bidding war...
And that always made me feel
like it was us...
Versus them.
...Get ready to work.
Even our snacks were divided.
We get cheetos and grape soda,
While they always get what
looks like a medieval feast.
Let's eat! Let's eat!
That's why this promotion
was such a big deal.
For once, one of us
Was going to get a chance
to be one of them.
More wine!
To us!
Actually, no!
To them!
Like my daddy said,
You chase a squirrel,
You better be prepared
to eat his nuts.
All right...
Uh, I'm sure you've all heard
I have an announcement.
Uh, myself and the board
have decided to up
A new senior vice president
here in the company.
What?! Ha ha!
That's crazy!
Oh, my god!
Hey, hey,
but very wise.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hm.
And this new svp
will also be heading up
Our creative presentation
To grab the $250 million
l.A. Tourism account.
All right.
It is a big deal for us.
We need a home run here.
Sabrina, I'm not gonna
forget about you
When I become one of them,
all right?
Excuse me. Excuse me.
All right.
Uh, excuse me.
Yeah.
...Change who we are.
So,
without any further ado,
I would like us all
to give a warm congrats
To the svp of our new
urban division, andre johnson!
Huh?!
That's right.
Andre!
Uh, I'm --
I'm sorry.
Uh...
Did you say "urban"?
Urban division.
Wait. Did they just put me
in charge of black stuff?
I don't like the social media at the table. I told you that.
- Junior, pass the hot sauce.
Okay. Hello! Okay.
To my husband,
senior vice president.
Yes!
Yeah!
Congrats to my son!
Yeah!
Finally made it, son.
Finally made it...
Holla!
...To head puppet
of the white man.
Oh, pops. Come on.
You're here to celebrate him.
Actually, you told
me I was coming over
to eat fried chicken.
I have no idea
what the hell this is.
Hey.
Really?
It's baked fried chicken.
Oh, so fried fried chicken
is too black for you.
Pops!
Pops, seriously?
Hey, hey. Hey, hey.
Babe, babe, babe, babe.
What?
You know what?
Pops is right.
You know,
I-I do feel like a puppet.
As you should.
I said I wanted to be the first
black svp for stevens & lido,
When, actually,
I wanted to be the first svp
Who happened to be black.
What's the difference?
Obama's the first
black president.
I mean, does that make him
any less president? No.
No, because he's
the first black president
Of the United States,
Not the first black president
of the urban United States.
Obama's the first
black president?
What --
You're doing a bang-up job
over here.
No, no, no. Hold on a second.
Let's explore this.
Jack, did you really
not know
That obama was
the first black president?
He's the only president
I've ever known.
"only." did you hear that?
"only."
he gets a pass.
So that explains his complete
lack of presidential trivia.
Hey. You two.
You knew that obama was the
first black president, right?
I g-guess.
Okay.
"okay"?
Mm-hmm.
See what I'm talking about?
Baked chicken.
What you doing?
Looking at pictures...
...Of my urban family.
Oh, my god.
You got to stop
with the whole pity-party thing.
You don't think I go through
this kind of thing all the time
being a female doctor?
It's not that big of a deal.
You got to keep it real.
That's what I said.
O-okay. All --
all this coming from, uh,
A biracial or mixed
or omni-colored-complexion,
Whatever-it-is-
they're-calling-it-today woman
Who technically
isn't even really black?
Okay, well,
if I'm not really black,
Then could somebody please tell
my hair and my ass?
Babe, you don't get it.
No.
This is how it starts.
What?
Babe, junior wants to play
field hockey.
I know.
What's wrong with that?
I --
Today,
it's field hockey.
Tomorrow, he's running from
the police in a white bronco.
Oh, my god --
are you suggesting
That our son is gonna grow up
and murder his wife?
Aha! You think o.J. Did it!
Oh, come on.
We can't have a keeping-it-real
conversation with that attitude.
No, no, no.
Stop, babe.
Baby,
the gloves didn't fit!
No, focus, dre.
You need to focus.
Okay.
This is
what you always wanted.
This is your dream
and this is our plan.
We're gonna climb the himalayas,
sex in the louvre,
And then we're gonna
successfully raise our family
In a better situation
than we had.
If you pass up this promotion,
we're 0 for 3.
Maybe you're right,
babe.
Ooh.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Mwah. I love you.
I love you, too.
No.
You didn't even let me
get it out.
I know, 'cause I can hear
what you're thinking.
Okay, well,
I'm just gonna do it.
No. No!
There he is --
my main man.
Hey.
Can't wait to see what you do
with that presentation.
Me too.
Really looking forward to it.
And, remember, really put
your swag on it, you know?
Keep it -- keep it real.
Keep it real?
Yeah. Be honest, be smart,
be you.
What, uh,
what did you think I meant?
I thought you meant that.
Okay.
"keep it real."
What's up, drigitty-dre?
Rewind!
My name's not --
Drigitty-dre-dre -- what?
Kick it.
That's inappropriate!
Bow-wow, wow-wow-wow.
Highly inappropriate!
Hey, babe.
Hey, babe.
Mommy, mommy. Mom.
Yeah?
Liza jackson asked
if we could have a playdate.
She's weird,
so feel free to say "no."
Liza jackson?
Which one is she?
You know, wears the nemo shoes
every...Single...Day?
Huh.
And the polka-dot
backpack.
Kind of smells like
a turkey burger.
Ew!
Wait a second.
Are you guys talking about
The only other little black girl
in your class?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Why didn't you
just say that?
I don't know.
Guess when I hear
"liza jackson,"
I just think
"nemo and turkey burgers."
Yep.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
What?
Don't you think
that's beautiful?
They don't see color.
No. I think
they need to be tested.
But when I say it,
I'm wrong.
I made the team!
Whoo! Yes!
Oh, my goodness!
That's so exciting!
Of course you did.
Yes!
Oh, god, I'm so happy!
Thank you.
Uh, zach? Can I help you
with something?
Uh, yeah, I've just been craving
some grape soda all day,
And my parents
just never buy any.
And why would you assume
we have --
found it!
Oh, and, dad,
me and some of the field mob
Decided what I should do
for my birthday party.
Field mob?
I want to have
a bar mitzvah.
A...
Before you say anything,
I know we're not jewish,
But zach knows a rabbi
who's great at pushing
through conversions, so...
Hold on -- so you'd be willing
to forsake your own religion
To have a party?
Short answer -- yes.
Are you listening
to this?
Dad,
now that I think about it,
If I do,
you won't have to worry
About anyone
calling me "andy" anymore,
Because when I convert,
I'll get a hebrew name.
I'm gonna go with
either "schlomo" or "shmuel."
What?
Both pretty solid, bro.
Shut up! Shut --
You know what?
Family meeting!
Everybody,
'round the table -- now!
I smell a group hug coming on.
I'm going to the track.
See you later, pops.
All right, listen up.
I may have to be "urban"
at work,
But I'm still going to need
my family to be black.
Not black-ish...
Wha--
but black.
So we're gonna start
with some strict guidelines.
So, then he sent me
a smiley face with a wink.
I mean,
I should be offended, right?
I'll text you.
All right.
From heretoforth,
We are going to
keep it real.
If I hear anybody calling you
"schlomo" or "shmuel"
Or especially "andy,"
I'm gonna back you over
and whoever else is saying it
In my car.
Dad --
quiet!
Now, I may have to
watch you play
Possibly the dumbest sport
in the world,
But I do not have to sit back
and listen to you rave
About other kids'
bar mitzvahs.
So, next Saturday,
when you turn 13,
You're becoming a man,
too --
A black man,
because I'm throwing you
An african
rites of passage ceremony.
Ha!
That does not sound
as fun.
No, it does not.
Okay, I have an idea.
Why don't we
take a black break
And go get
some white yogurt?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Hey, hey! Hold on, hold on.
Slow your roll, you two.
From here on out,
I'm gonna need you two
To describe people using
keeping-it-real identifications.
"the assailant was
a hispanic male
Between the ages
of 10 and 60."
See? Now I know
who I'm looking for.
Mommy,
daddy's scaring me.
Me too, baby. Me too.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, are we done with
this whole life-and-death,
Keeping-it-real speech?
And I'm not gonna be thinking
about keeping it real.
I'm gonna be thinking
about keeping him alive.
You're not the only one in this
house with an important job.
My job
is pretty important.
And, as I recall,
You were the one
who brought up
So this is my fault?
Yes, it's your fault.
Oh, this is my fault?
Oh, yes.
And, tomorrow, I have a very
important presentation to make.
Okay.
And you know what I'm gonna do
when I go in there?
I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna
keep it real as
Oka--
yeah, because that's
what you told me to do.
Oh, I'm pretty sure that's not
what I told you to do.
Oh, no, that's exactly
what you said.
If she thinks I'm finished
with keeping it real,
I am just getting started.
And if stevens & lido
really wants an urban svp,
I'll give them their urban svp.
Ha!
Oh, my god.
♪ it's bigger
than hip, hop, hip, hop ♪
Lalonde --
leonard landing at will.
And lalonde goes down!
So, that's my urban pitch
for the l.A. Tourism account.
Thoughts?
We're not really
doing this, right?
I thought it was funny.
Operation "keepin' it real"
was in full effect,
And although
it was off to a rocky start,
I still had high hopes.
Mm!
- Andre.
Yes?
What is this mess
you're doing?
This ain't no mess, pops.
This is our culture.
This ain't our culture.
We black, not african.
Africans don't even like us.
Dad, can I go?
No. Stand right there
and experience your roots.
You're better off
watching "roots."
Ah.
Uh-oh.
Should I start,
or do you want to?
Okay. Okay.
Uh, take that, son. Take that!
What is he doing?
- Don't look at me.
Ohh!
Hey, bow.
Look, baby, I had --
The boy wanted
a bar mitzvah!
Bow, I could use your support
right now.
I was trying to support you
when I called you at work today,
And my call was rerouted
to corporate security.
And they questioned me
for like 30 minutes
About my husband's
mental state.
Hmm. Weird.
Next time, just call my cell.
Ohh. Dre, what happened
at work today?
Look, mr. Stevens
failed to fully grasp
The irony of my pitch,
so we mutually decided
That we would take the weekend
to figure out
If...Stevens & lido was still
a perfect fit for me.
Still a perfect fit?
Dre?
He's thinking
about firing you?
I guess, if you want
to oversimplify it like that.
Oh, my god. Dre!
There is no winning with you!
You're upset because
they gave you the job
because you're black.
If they'd given it
to someone white,
You'd be upset they didn't
give it to someone black!
This "keeping it real" b.S.
Has got to stop.
I'm not gonna have you
running around torturing my son.
What was that? What are
you wear-- what are you wearing?
Whatever issues
you are working through,
You need
to get over them -- now.
Okay?
Nice shot.
So much
for the johnson family form.
Dad, listen, I get it.
You feel like
I'm turning into a white boy.
Mm-hmm.
But I'm not.
I'm just being me.
I'm just not quite sure
who that is yet.
Son, I realize
how difficult it must be
To feel like
the different one at school.
But it's also important for you
to hold on to your culture
And realize
how special it is.
Honestly, the only thing
I'm really trying
To hold on to right now
is my first boob.
I'm a ninth-grader
playing varsity.
That means something.
So this was all
a part of your plan.
Yeah.
Me and the field mob --
Hey, son, please --
stop calling yourselves that.
Fine.
Me and my boys
figured that
If we could just get our foot
in the door with other jocks,
We'd really get in there
and make some noise.
So, you really do
want to play basketball.
Yeah, dad.
But I suck at it.
All right, little man,
get in the house.
Go.
Who knew?
Boy wants to hold a boob.
You can't be mad at him
for that.
Hey, pops, how the hell
did you keep it real with us
When we were growing up?
I didn't.
I kept it honest.
So, I really screwed this up,
didn't I?
Screwing things up
is just another part
Of what it means
to be a father, dre.
It's how you learn
to fix things.
Just remember, son,
whatever you do,
Make sure it's right
for who you are.
If that boy
wants a bar mitzvah,
I'm gonna throw that boy
a bar mitzvah.
There you go.
Mm!
"hold a boob."
♪ yeah, yeah! ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I present
Andre jr.'s hip-hop bro mitzvah.
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ now, I say, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ shorty got down on me
and said, "come and get me" ♪
♪ yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I got so caught up,
I forgot she told me ♪
♪ yeah, yeah ♪
♪ her and my girl used to be
the best of homies ♪
♪ yeah, yeah ♪
♪ next thing I knew, she was
all up on me screamin' ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Sometimes keeping it real
means admitting you were wrong
But, as a dad, still finding
a way to be right.
Be damned if I'm calling him
andy, though.
Ha!
So, that los angeles
tourism campaign
Went a lot better
once I realized
That "urban" can also mean
hip, cool, and colorful,
Just like my family.
So, taking a cue
from my very wise son,
I decided
to get my foot in the door
And really make some noise.
And, just like that,
I became the svp of stevens
& lido's urban division.
Funny thing is --
I didn't feel urban.
I just felt like a dad
who was willing
To do whatever he had to
for his family.
And isn't that
the american dream?