Black-ish (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Talk - full transcript

Dre insists on giving his son "the talk", but soon regrets it when he's bombarded with questions about sex.

Dre: Every garage eventually
turns into a family museum

full of forgotten treasures.
Oh-ho, babe! Look what I found!

- (Gasps)
- The twins' onesies

from our "we're in the White House" party!

- So cute. Wow.
- Oh, wow!

I spilled a whole lot of kir
royale on our babies. (Laughs)

And mixed in with all those memories,

there's always something
that's better off left buried.

Babe, this entire box is filled
with your hair experiments.

Look at this. Oh, relaxer.

(Laughs)



All your picks.

(Laughs) Styling "gelée."

- It laid it down. It laid it down.
- Yeah, it did, but it's gone now.

But every now and then,
amidst the garbage,

you stumble across
that one timeless gem.

- Hey.
- Hmm?

Look at this.

- Let me see.
- Junior's old mitt.

Oh, my goodness.

I remember the day I realized
that he was not going to make me

a proud father on the baseball field.

- Oh, wow. They grow up so fast.
- I'm telling you.

Whoa, whoa, where are you going?

I'm gonna go play catch with
my son before it gets too late,



like "cat's in the cradle."

Hey, Junior!
Look what I found in the garage!

Your old baseball...

- Dad, no! No!
- (Screams)

(Screams)

(Screaming)

- (Groaning)
- Go! Go!

Turns out, the cat was out of the cradle,

and it winked right at me.

SO1EO2
"The Talk"

So, after you bailed on the garage,

I gave everything to the gardener,

so don't be surprised if you see
Pedro wearing a Jheri Curl.

You okay, babe?

You having a little traffic jam?

I'm fine.

You pulled something playing
catch yesterday, didn't you?

(Scoffs) Stretching does
not make you gay, Dre.

I accidentally walked in on Junior,

as he was engaged...
In hand-to-gland combat.

(Chuckling) Oh, God.

He's been doing that for a while.

He was even afraid he was gonna
break it from doing it too much.

- Adorable. Oh, my God.
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He came to you with this?

- Yeah. When we had the talk.
- You and Junior had the talk without me?

Babe, how could you keep me out
of the sex-talk loop?

Dre, please.

You are uptight
with this kind of thing.

I mean, look at the way
you wear a towel.

_

_

Just because you grew up
in a houseful of naked hippies

doesn't make you Dr. Ruth.

My parents talked to us openly
about everything,

and that's why the kids come to me.

- Uh, hmm.
- It's what I do, and I do it pretty good.

Zoey hasn't said two
words to you all month.

- She's going through
a phase. - Uh-huh.

She'll talk to me if
it's about something big,

unless you want to talk to
her about her menstrual cramps.

- I just might.
- Okay.

Right after I get into the
sex-talk loop with Junior...

- Mm-hmm.
- ... Hater.

- (Bottle sprays)
- Ow!

There's my boy...

A boy about to become a man

with the sexual wisdom only
a father can throw down...

After work.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I'm devastated.

- Devastated!
- Is everything okay, hon?

- (Scoffs) Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

It's so not okay.

I mean, I'm seriously gonna cry all night.

Sounds kind of big. You know
you can always talk to me.

- I'm fine, mom.
- Okay.

Kill me. I can honestly not...

I'm just saying, I'm that
type of mom. I'm very open.

You know, my parents never
wore clothes, so... (chuckles)

It's nothing.

It's totally world-ending.

- Meet me in the bathroom. Bring tissues.
- What...

(Sighs) He actually said that?

Have a great day, sweetheart.

Hey, Dre. How's life?

Ah, well, this L.A.
tourism account is really...

No, no, no, no, no. Not work life...

Life life.

You are, uh... you're part
of my inner circle now.

Hearing that validates the
struggle of my entire journey.

And H.R. says if I occasionally
ask about your personal lives,

it reduces the risk of an office shooting.

Okay, well, since you
asked, you have a son, right?

- Uh-huh.
- How did you go about giving him the talk?

Oh, the "stop being rude to your
26-year-old-stepmother talk"?

It is a minefield.

No, no, no. I mean the sex talk.

Oh, that was easier.

I just told him what my father told me.

- What?
- "Out of state, out of mind."

(Chuckles)

You know, my pops
never gave me the talk.

Hell, I didn't see him without
his shoes on till I was 30.

Oh, well, don't worry, Dre.
You got this.

You'll figure it out. You always do.

Mom...

I know I'm in your space.

Just ignore me while I put away
all your clothes for you.

No, um, do you remember that thing I was
talking about in the car this morning?

Um... I think so. Maybe.

I could really use your advice.

Oh!

Well, I'm sure I could squeeze
you in before I go in there

and scrape the boogers
off Jack's headboard.

(Chuckles)

Okay, well, listen to this craziness.

- So, this girl said I took...
- Rainbow: I knew she'd come to me.

Why wouldn't she? I'm such a good mom.

- (Speaking indistinctly)
- She's lucky to have me.

"Zoey hasn't said two words
to you all month."

Suck it, Dre.

- Anyway, what should I do?
- What, now?

About everything I just said.

You got any advice?

Uh... whew.

(Chuckling) It's a lot to chew on.

It's like... it's a lot
of facets to this one.

You know, it's like a little diamond. I'm
gonna... I'm gonna get back to you.

I'm gonna think about it, so... okay?

I'll be right back.
I'm gonna get back to you.

(Exhales sharply)

- Oh, you tweaked your neck again, huh?
- Huh?

See, that's 'cause you don't stretch.

- I know it looks a little gay, but it works.
- What?

I'm about to go upstairs
and give Junior the talk.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, pops,

- how come you never gave me the talk?
- I most certainly did.

I mean, what do you think that box of
condoms I left in your bedroom was about?

That was it?

Oh, you wanted a hug, too?
Son, listen to me.

Don't get all caught up in this "have an
open dialogue with your kids" hoopla.

It's not natural.

Show me one place in the Bible
where a kid talks.

And for God's sake, put some shoes on.

(Scoffs)

Dre: So, nobody was any
help... Pops, my boss.

I was on my own with Junior.

Hey, son! It's your father!

I'm coming in in 5... 4...

Come in, dad.

Whoo. Okay.

I'm sorry about yesterday. I guess
I should have locked the door.

All right. No need to apologize.
You're a man, and that's what men do.

Not me as much.

Let's talk about it...
Anything and everything.

Let's get our sex talk on.

Oh, uh, mom covered it all pretty good.

Yeah, maybe about the birds and the bees,

but I'm your daddy, son, and
I'm here to keep it one hundred.

All right, despite the fact that
your mother thinks I'm uptight.

Cray-cray, right?

(Chuckles) I'm comfortable.

(Chuckles)

I'm gonna show you how comfortable I am.

Mm-hmm.

(Sighing)

What's that?

Just a comfortable man with no shirt on,

talking to his son about nasty stuff.

(Chuckles)

Ooh, really feeling the A.C. in here.

Am I standing under a vent?

(Indistinct conversation in distance)

Trying to do telekinesis again?

You don't have it.

I left my karaoke mike in there,

but I heard dad's giving Junior "the talk."

What talk?

I don't know.

So, let's talk next level.

So, what's it like, having sex?

Whoa! Just gonna...

Just gonna jump right in
there like that, huh, son?

Okay, uh, I guess we're
really doing this, huh?

Let me figure this out. Uh...

Well, where do we start?

Body spray. Bad name. All right?

Son, if you want to attract a woman,

you never spray this on your body.

All right? You just spray
it in the air like that.

And you walk through it.

Whoo! (Chuckles) That's cold.

(Chuckles) Kind of tingles
when you're topless.

You getting all this, son? You
need a notebook or something?

I want the talk.

Me too. I need the talk.

I think he's getting it because he's
always in his room with the door closed.

Oh, really?

Well, three can play at that game.

Now what?

Now we wait.

But your date could keep kosher,

so don't lean too heavy on the Oyster card.

All right? Hey, don't worry.

It all gets easier when you can drink.

You don't have to raise your hand, son.

Dad, I appreciate all this
advanced dating advice,

- but there's other stuff.
- Hmm. Okay.

I heard some kids talking about oral.

Oh.

Okay. Um...

I would stay away from that.

You know, a kid like
you with wheat allergies.

All right, um...

So, show me which one of your
crew has the most busted face.

Okay? Because... that's
gonna be your wingman.

By yourself, you're beautiful.

But next to him, you'll be
Denzel Clooney Kodjoe chestnut.

(Grunting) 1... 2... 3.

Okay, I just needed to do three.

Finally, son, when it comes to movie dates,

never pick a movie that'll make you cry.

That means no urban
coming-of-age stories.

The brother always gets shot at the end.

Good talk, son.

(Door opens)

Nailed it!

So, after a day of dishing
out sweet knowledge to my boy,

I rewarded myself with a cinnamon stick
while letting bow chew on her defeat.

The boy drank deep from
the Dre well today, baby.

I will accept my apology in words or...

(Clicks tongue)

Apology for what?

Because somebody said
that I couldn't do it,

that it wasn't in me, but it is.

Now, who do I e-mail
to give a T.E.Di. sex talk?

- So, what did you talk about?
- The fundamentals.

Like what?

- Signature fragrance... boom.
- Mm-hmm.

Fly outfits... boom.

And how to navigate urban
terrain... double boom.

(Chuckles)

Great, so you taught
our kid how to be a pimp?

Baby, I think you're
confusing "pimp" with "player."

You know, that's a common
two-parent-home mistake.

So, basically, Junior had
a heart-to-heart with ice-t.

Babe, I had the sex talk
with our son, shirt off.

Why was your shirt off?

Because I'm free.

(Laughing) You're not free.

- Oh, you're laughing. Okay.
- I'm laughing.

Well, if you want a good-night kiss,

you know where to find me
and my sweet cinnamony lips.

(Sighs)

You're really not gonna
come over here and get none?

Babe, they're like two baked apples

just lying on my face.

We've been in here for a whole day,

and no one's given us the talk.

(Scoffs)

That's it. Time to make something happen.

Plus, I really got to pee.

(Sighs)

- Hey!
- Hey.

Hey, so, I was thinking really hard

about everything that you
told me yesterday about...

(Slurping coffee)

Hmm?

- What are you talking about?
- Mm, mm.

It's just that, you know, with all the...

The craziness about...

(Muffled) You know? So... hmm?

(Speaking indistinctly)

- Mom?
- No? Hmm?

It's super rude to talk
with food in your mouth.

Of course, yes.

- I mean, you know?
- (Cellphone vibrating)

- Hmm.
- Oh. (Chuckles)

- More drama from you-know-who.
- (Muffled) Oh, I know who.

I... you don't have to
tell me about... them.

(Sighs)

- Mom?
- Hmm?

We're wondering if we could talk...

You know, "talk"... because...

Not now. I'm trying to be a
good mom who listens better.

Maybe we should do
something to get the talk.

Something good or something bad?

You take good. I'll take bad.

- I want bad!
- We'll flip for it.

Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.

Deal! Come on, heads!

No wait. Tails!

No wait. Tails?

There's a supreme
satisfaction a man attains

when he's opened the door
of knowledge to his son.

Hey, dad, can we have another... talk?

What? But I may have accidentally
opened a revolving door.

Hey, what are you doing?

Our sex-talk ritual.

We had the sex talk yesterday, man.

Remember? I nailed it.

Yeah, but I just have
some follow-up questions.

Ohh. I heard these seniors talking
about a position called the triceratops.

What is that, exactly?

To be honest, son, I can't keep up with all
that new stuff, especially being married.

Let's Google it.

T-r-i-s...

It's with a "C."

Uh, don't care. Auto correct.
Spelling is for suckers.

(Chuckles)

Oh!

Oh, delete! Delete search history!

- Oh, my God!
- What was it?

- Can we talk about it?
- Uh...

I have other questions, too.

Aren't you gonna take your shirt off?

I'm a little too bloated
to go shirtless right now.

I could go talk to mom.

Yeah. Well, hey, hey, ho.

No, no. Remember, I'm your guy.

(Sighs)

All right, look, I'll meet
you upstairs in an hour.

All right. Just knock first.

Oh. Oh, trust me, I will.

- Hate to say I told you so.
- No, you don't.

You would marry "I told you so"

and have a baby with it and
buy adjoining burial plots.

Just saying.

You opened Pandora's box
and a triceratops jumped out.

(Laughs)

So, she said those exact words?

Ugh! I just want to scream!

Oh, I feel you, sweetheart.

Oh, I mean, the whole
thing just drives me nuts.

Ohh!

(Sighs) But you know what?

Sometimes it helps if you
play the whole thing out

from the other person's perspective.

You know, it'll help give you
clarity so you can resolve it.

So, I, like, just think it all
through from the other side?

Yes. Uh, but you want to, um...

You want to say it out loud so
you hear the emotional nuances.

You know? That's the
important part... out loud.

Okay, so, here it goes.

So, last week, there's this
girl named Zoey who has an...

Rainbow: I can't believe she fell for it.

Even when I'm a bad mom, I'm a great mom.

It's amazing how I can
get anything out of anyone.

The C.I.A. should be all moms...

Moms like me... basically just me.

- (Chuckles)
- There it is.

I never told anybody that last part.

Thoughts?

- (Grunts)
- _

Which is they call it
a devil's threesome...

Unless you're in Prague,
where it's just called "sex."

(Grunts)

That is absolutely,
positively everything, son.

See? This is good multitasking.

'Cause two shirtless dudes just
standing around, talking about sex,

starts to look weird after a while.

Oh, wait, dad. Just one more thing.

Please, Barbell, just
slip and fall on my throat.

(Grunts)

I'm just wondering. When
should I start manscaping?

It's patchy,

but I feel like things are
gonna get crazy down there.

Sometimes I look around the locker room
to gauge where I am on the spectrum.

I think hunter Kang-Nussbaum
caught me peeking.

Then the lunch lady popped into my head.

I'm not even attracted to her,
but now I have to avoid her line.

She serves the tater
tots, so that kills me!

- I love tater tots.
- Dre: This is hell.

I hate to admit it, but
pops may have been right.

I've created a sex-talking monster.

But the other day, I
actually cried afterwards...

Not from sadness, just from
a lot of emotions, you know?

He's not even asking questions anymore...

Just brutal, unfiltered,
nonstop oversharing.

You know who really gets me there?

Helen Mirren. Is that weird?

You know what? I don't even care.

(Laughs)

After four days of hearing
Junior's innermost sexual thoughts,

you can color me done.

But I can't hurt his
feelings by telling him that.

Junior: Hey, dad?

- ♪ Let's talk about sex ♪
- (Grunts)

So I'll just do everything in my power...

- ♪ It keeps coming up anyhow
- ... To avoid him at all costs.

- ♪ Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic♪
- (Laughs)

- ♪ 'Cause that ain't gonna stop it ♪

- Oh, my God.
- Dad? Dad.

♪ Let's talk about sex baby ♪
- Hey, do you think we could talk about...

- ♪ Let's talk about you and me ♪
- (Snoring)

♪ Let's talk about all the good things ♪

♪ and the bad things that may be ♪

♪ let's talk about sex ♪

♪ let's talk about sex ♪

♪ let's talk about sex ♪

♪ let's talk about sex ♪

Dre, what are you doing?

Watching a movie on my phone,
'cause I'm hiding from my son.

What else would I be doing
in the laundry room?

- How long have you been in here?
- How long is "The Godfather?"

You know what? I can't judge you.

My mom game hit an all-time low with Zoey.

Could have been her bestie.
Completely blew it... twice.

- Parenting is hard.
- Yeah.

Hey... let's stay in here
for the rest of the week.

You know what we could
do while we're in here?

What?

Fold some clothes.

- I'm gonna go talk to Junior.
- What? (Sighs)

Zoey?

Hi.

Listen [Sighs] truth be told,

because I was so excited
about you telling me

what was going on in your life,

I have no idea what's
going on in your life.

Yeah, I kind of picked up on that
when you left me hanging for a week,

so I talked to pops.

- You talked to pops?
- Yeah, he gave me some awesome advice.

You should cherish him more.

Uh-huh.

Thank you, Zozo.

- Good night.
- Yeah.

Okay.

You have got to tell me what she said.

I have absolutely no idea.
I mean, I listened to her,

gave her some generic advice
in a deep, soothing voice.

I Morgan freeman-ed her.

- Hey.
- Oh, dad, I'm glad you're here.

- I've got some...
- Nope. No. I'm done.

Son, look, the last few days

have been the most open
and honest we've ever had...

And I hated it.

Hey, not you.

I love you. Love you, son.

That's why I wanted to be a part of this.

I-I wanted to be in the loop...
But only for the big stuff.

I don't need the play-by-play.

- Oh, you mean like how I enjoy...
- Exactly. Mnh.

Keep going to your mother
with the day-to-day, all right?

She lives for this stuff.

But the big stuff? I'm your guy.

I will always take my shirt off for you.

Um, dad, I talked to my friends about that,

and that's not a thing.

Son...

It's our thing.

No, seriously, dad, it's weird.

Wow. You're ninja-quiet.

I've been watching you, son...

Watching you try and connect up with Junior

the last couple of days.

I have to say,

it's embarrassing.

I hear you, pops.

What you're saying is, you regret
never having the talk with me,

which meant I didn't have the tools
to have the talk with Junior.

That's not even close to what I'm saying.

I get it.

You were busy working
hard, providing for us,

and communicating openly with your kids

wasn't a priority for your generation.

Could have made it a
priority. Chose not to.

But you're proud of me for trying.

(Sighs)

Every day.

Wow.

That was a lot better than when
he gave me a box of condoms.

So, Junior and pops...

Two moments of real personal growth.

Now, I know it might have been greedy,

but I was gonna go for a third.

Dre... this has gone too far.

- You haven't worn clothes for two days.
- Clothes are for suckers.

I'm gonna go outside and get the paper.

While you're out there,
you might as well get the mail, too.

(Sighs)

Do you realize we've gotten less attention

in the last week by trying to get attention?

I can't even get mom to comb my hair.

Well, if they're not gonna
give us the talk,

let's give it to each other.

We don't even know what the talk's about.

All I know is that you lower your voice...
[Deep voice] ... And sound serious.

I can do that.

(Normal voice) Okay. Let's do it.

(Deep voice) Diane, I'd like to talk to you

about the difference between jam and jelly.

- Now, I think...
- Unh. Let me stop you right there.

You're boring me.