Billy Dilley's Super-Duper Subterranean Summer (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Hey Judy/Welcome to the Hag House - full transcript

Do-doo-doo-do-do

Do-doo-doo-do-do

Billy Dilley, we're subterranean

Billy Dilley, you're such a brainy kid

Billy Dilley, it's fascinating how

Billy Dilley, it's complicated now

Billy Dilley, situation critical

Billy Dilley, I hope it's fixable

Billy Dilley
- ooooh

Billy Dilley

Bon voyage!



Hey, are you okay?

Yeah.

Thanks for that. Wow!
You sure are an interesting species.

My name is... Billy Dilley.

- Hi. I'm Judy.
- Here, let me take care of that.

It's silly, really. I was attempting
to study some hornets

but I couldn't get close
enough so...

Root paws! And the perfect
circumference, too!

Is that a subterranean roly-poly?

- I love roly-polies.
- Me too.

Judy, you're not only interesting,
you're fascinating-ing.

Gee, no one's ever said that
about me before.

I think you're fascinating, too.

Heh, well, I better get home before dark.
Hey, Judy, mind if I come back tomorrow?



I'd love to put your root paws
under my microscope.

- Okay.
- Hey, Judy,

I think I'm seeing something special
in you that I didn't notice before.

- You are?
- Yes. An earthworm!

She looks like a Lisa to me.

There you go, girl.
Isn't she fascinating?

More fascinating than anything
else you saw today?

Yes, much more fascinating.

A peat moss!

- What?
- For Lisa.

If only I could bring her some peat moss,
that would show her how much I care.

But I don't think there's any peat moss
in this entire subterranean wilderness.

It exists, but it's very dangerous
to get to.

Where? Where? Where?
I'll do whatever it takes,

I'll do anything for Lisa.

That's hot!

Peat moss!

Fascinating.

There's nothing more rewarding
Than providing peat moss

For the one who you like the most
Chika chika chika

No!

Lisa!

Wow!

Rainbows, cupcakes
Gumdrops, cornflakes

Sprinkles raining down from above

- When you're in love
- You're in love

All the stars shine brighter in the night

- When you're in love
- You're in love

And every little thing feels right
When you're in love...

What's the occasion, Billy?

Let's just say I'm bringing someone
a little special to dinner tonight.

Wait a minute, you guys
are an absolute mess!

Hey, Marsha, what do you call this...
this cowlick?

That's a hair bow.

And Zeke, what do you think
you're doing with this T-shirt, mister?

Tuck it in.

Look lively, people! There she is.

Guys, I'd like to introduce you
to someone very special.

Zeke, Marsha, this is Lisa.

Well, let's not let dinner get cold.

There you are,
a plate of nutrient-rich soil,

just the way Lisa likes it.

Yes?

- Hey, Billy.
- Judy, thank you so much.

- Your advice worked like a charm.
- What are you talking about?

Yeah, with Lisa, and she loved
the peat moss.

Who are you talking to?
Hello!

- Hi. Come on in, new person.
- Thanks, I'm Judy.

How did you and Billy
meet each other?

Well, yesterday Billy was thrashing
around helplessly

in my swamp, so I pulled him to safety.

- Well, isn't that interesting?
- Not really.

Judy, I just bet that you'd look
even cuter with your hair off your face.

- May I?
- Ooh, sure.

Orange is definitely your color.

- That makes you an autumn.
- Well, what are you?

Me? I'm totally a winter.

Well, since you're a winter, Marsha,
here's a winter waterlily.

Look at me, I'm a forest nymph!

Bo...

...oring!

And, might I say, more than a little rude.

After all, are we not gathered
here tonight

in order to pay tribute
to the wonder that is Lisa?

Yeah. So, Lisa...

why does the early bird
always get the worm?

Zeke, I can't believe,
you went there!

You know what? Dinner is over!

Unbelievable! I had this all set up

for a really cool dinner,
but you did what you did, so...

There, there, Lisa.
I know you're upset!

I'll mist you till you fall asleep.

I'll do anything for you, Lisa, anything.

Hi, Billy.

- Hey, Judy.
- Billy, you don't look so good.

Psst, I've never felt better
in my whole life.

Yeah, it just seems like someone's
got you running yourself ragged lately.

Sure, Lisa makes me happy.

- As long as you're happy.
- I am happy!

Hey, Lisa! I am so tired.

I brought you some
of that peat moss you like.

Lisa? She's gone!

No, no, no, no, no! She's gone!!

Judy, this is all your fault!

If I hadn't met you that day,
then I wouldn't have met Lisa,

and then she wouldn't have
left me in the middle of the night,

without so much as a goodbye!

- You're bananas.
- Banana?

In fact, I'd say you're even more bananas
than a gigantopithicus.

And you know what else, Billy Dilley?
You're a terrible friend!

So... Billy. Hey, buddy.

Billy, did you close these shades again?

Hey guys, I was looking at this hole...

Let me guess,
it's just like the hole

where your heart used to be
before your worm left.

How did you know?

Because you've been saying it
over and over again for three days.

- Now hand over this stupid box!
- Never!

It's all I have left of her!

I'll never let it go.

Holy hornets!

Wowzers! And she's about to lay eggs.

I'd better take a closer look! Whoa!

Wait!

That's not a closer look!

Judy?

Yes, Billy?

I see you have a new water vine
coming in.

...yeah,
it's more of a weed, really.

I disagree, I think it could be
your longest one yet.

I should get going, Billy.
I'm meeting Marsha.

Want to check for roly-polies?
As I recall, they're your favorites.

Well... maybe just one!

- I think I got something.
- This is so exciting.

Here it comes! Lisa!

Lisa, you remember Judy,
don't you?

Judy, you remember...
...Lisa?

Have a great life, Lisa. Judy, wait!

Sorry, Lisa! Hey, Judy.
Mind if I join you and Marsha?

Actually, Billy, it's girls only.

Women.
Puzzles wrapped in a conundrum,

sprinkled with mystery.

Well, safety goggles on!

And now, back to my studies.

Wait, what's this? "Happy studying. Judy"?
What a pal!

I don't know, Judy!

Trust me, Marsha. Ta-da!

- How do I look?
- Honestly, Marsha? Terrible!

Rainbows, cupcakes
Gumdrops, cornflakes

Sprinkles raining down from above

- When you're in love
- You're in love

All the stars shine brighter in the night

- When you're in love
- You're in love

The mighty volcano,
one of Earth's most awesome

and powerful geologic features.

Volcanoes are a blast!

What do you say we harness
its fearsome power, Mr. Whatzit?

MR. - Heisenberg's

uncertainty principle.

No quantum physics, Mr. Whatzit.
Today it's all about chemistry.

Just a little bit of this,
a little bit of that, ooh!

And exactly one smidgen...
of the other.

Steady...

Quickly, Mr. Whatzit!
The containment device!

I got it.

I shall now inflate this small balloon
using the power of chemistry!

I always bomb at chemistry.

Whoa!

Fascinating.

Let's roll!

You nitwit,
look at what you've done here!

By Franz Boas' bowtie! It's a dwelling!

Tony, where did you learn
to combine ingredients?

You've absolutely ruined the mixture!

I can't believe I have
such a bumbling little crust

like you in my employ.

It's some sort of
down-on-her-luck chemist!

Wait, wait, you are no longer
in my employ!

Miss Hagwitch, ma'am.

Tony is vewy sowy for his oopsie.

You, get there.

Some days are good
Some days are bad

Some days are both
That's what makes it a normal day

So when you...

Some days are good

Where am I gonna find
another apprentice now?

Whee! My name is Billy Dilley.
I'll be your new apprentice!

All right, listen, kid,
I'm on a tight schedule here.

A potion that I've been working on
has to be ready tonight,

when the magma tides run high
and passion runs hot!

Look, kid, Hagwitch needs
a sweetheart

and time's running out, so tick tock!

This potion expires the moment
the magma stops flowing.

This is just a try-out.

If you do a good job today,
you can be my apprentice.

And what if I do a bad job?

Then you'll get the Tony treatment.

Some days are good
Some days are bad

All I need you to do is stir the cauldron.

Roger that!

You must remain completely silent
during the incantation.

Not a peep.

Get stirring.

Hozzie wozzie, bing bang boom!
Mumblety, mumblety, shish kafroom!

Frunksen bunsen, beaker and flash!

Rise, rise...

What the...

I said not a peep!

Don't you know a peep from a kazoo?
Hag... mama?

I like music when I work, too.

That's nice! I like to yell
when I'm firing imbeciles!

Firing?

I know... I know. The Tony treatment.

Some days are good
Some days are bad

Some days...

- Wait, wait!
- Miss Hag, did you have a change of heart?

No, I just didn't want you touching
the hat.

Okay, well, say hi to Count Wretcher
for me.

- Yeah, wait, what?
- Your locket.

- It's Count Wretcher.
- You know Count Wretcher?

Yeah, we're great friends.

Like "drop by unannounced
with friends," friends?

Sure. We're even "spy on him
through his kitchen window

kind of friends," friends.

Just sit tight for a hot minute.

Ooh, having the kid get me
into Wretcher's place

would be a lot easier
than the other way

I was planning to give him my love potion.

Let's get cracking, Apprentice Billy!

You're not gonna regret this!!

Hey, not bad, kid. Maybe there's hope
for you yet.

It's perfect!

Do I have to do everything
around here myself?

Billy Dilley.

I thought you might be that...
Hagwitch!

- What are you doing here?
- You two know each other?

- Long time no see, Schmoopies!
- Don't call me that ever!

- I thought I told...
- Raymond!

Yes, Mother?

Stop being such a callous
and rude host to our guests.

Let them in!

- Welcome to Castle Wretcher.
- I love the warm and inviting decor.

Raymond, aren't you going
to offer our guests

any refreshments?

Yes! We're parched
and would love some drinks.

Fine, fine.

Thurston, fetch everyone
a round of beverages.

Your langria fruit punch, Master.

Freshly squeezed
in your personalized goblet, my liege.

And one for the ginger cherub.

Enjoy, Hag.

I'll just distract him,
then slip the potion into his drink.

Ooh, your sludgeyard

is looking especially noxious
today, Count!

Thank you for noticing.
The secret to a successful sludgefield

is making sure you refill it daily,
yes, daily,

and make sure the surface stays free
of any foreign objects that might have...

What the blasted... Butterflies!

I thought I told you to stay out!

Now's my chance!

Come out where I can see you! Coward!

- As your apprentice, allow me, Miss Hag.
- Well...

- I'm on it!
- What the...

Hey! What's this potion for, anyways?

Chemistry.

- Fascinating!
- Confounded butterflies!

I guess the little nuisance figured out
who he was messing with!

To your health.

The moment is upon us.
The magma runs hot.

The potion is potent and the pigeon
is ready to be plucked.

How are you feeling, Count?

Do you like what you see?

Not in the least.

- How about now?
- Absolutely not.

You're the most irritating,
insipid, bungling, blundering,

petulant, petty, woeful,
windy walrus of a woman

I've ever been forced
to be in the company of!

Do you want me to be more specific?

I can be more specific!
I think she's very nice,

interesting, has good penmanship,

and is... enchanting.

Are you okay, Billy?
You're looking at me awful weird...

Wait a minute.
This isn't my personalized goblet!

But, if you aren't drinking
out of your goblet, then who...

If this is wrong
I don't wanna be right

- Billy?
- If love is blind

Then I most certainly
Don't have sight

What has gotten into you, Billy?

I should have known you were
gonna mess up the potion.

Potion?

Baby, baby!
I feel so caliente!

Wait a minute.

You mean you drank
a love potion meant for me,

and now you've actually fallen
for this revolting monstrosity?

You, sir, have insulted the honor
of my one true...

Hold it! Thurston!

Yes, Master.

Thank you, Master.

- What else you bumbling idiots got?
- He's right! Plan A is a bust!

I have no choice but to resort to Plan B!

Brute force!

- You're a crazy person!
- Count, I need you!

And I need you!

You can run, but you can't hide!

How do I shake these imbeciles?
Thurston, we've got a big problem!

Swap clothes with me!

You know how you love
to wear epaulettes!

I'll take all your dinners
with Mother for a month!

Help me, you nincompoop!

Make a break for it. I'll hold her off.

Schmoopies!

- Here I...
- Fine love!

Don't fight your feelings.

Aah!

Now you're mine! Mwah, mwah!

- No!
- Yes!

Billy!

Thurston! Help me, you dumb dumb!

Funny, I had a strange
and unsettling dream

that I was head over heels for you.
Isn't that interesting?

Some days are good
Some days are...

So... what time should
I show up tomorrow?

I said You got the wrong number

For the right guy

I'll do the job for you

Just pay the price

Run, run, run away

Baby, stick to the plan!
Whoo, whoo!

Run, run, run away

Catch me if you can