Big Time Rush (2009–2013): Season 1, Episode 3 - Big Time Crib - full transcript

Five hours of dancing.

Seven hours of harmonies.

And I sweated through 14 bandannas.

Thank goodness we can escape
the stresses of Hollywood

at the amazing palmwoods pool.

[Bell rings] What's this?

I didn't order extras.

We live here. This is our pool.

No, this is the set for the sexy
dog dog food commercial,

starring lightning the tv wonder dog.

All: Hey, lightning.



Strike the boys.

What's that?

Uh!

Well, at least we can recharge
in the stylish palmwoods lobby.

Ah, the four hockey players
from Minnesota.

I'm not getting a friendly vibe.

No loitering in the lobby after 9:00.

Oh, look at the time.

9:01.

Then there's the gracious interior
of our very own apartment 2-j.

[Farting sounds]

Both: This place is horrible.

[Crash!]

♪ ah, ah, ah-ah, oh ♪



♪ make it count, play it straight ♪

♪ don't look back, don't hesitate ♪

♪ where you go big time ♪

♪ what you know, what you feel ♪

♪ never quitin', make it real ♪

♪ when you're going big time ♪

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ hey, hey listen to your heart now ♪

♪ hey, hey don't you feel the rush ♪

- # oh-oh, oh-oh #
- # hey, hey #

♪ go and shake it up ♪

♪ whatcha gotta lose ♪

♪ go and make your luck ♪

♪ with the life you choose ♪

♪ if you want it all, lay it on the line ♪

♪ it's the only life you
got so you got to live it ♪

♪ big time ♪

[bell dinging]

What? I'm busy.

We'd like a nicer apartment, please.

How come every one else gets
one of those cool apartments?

And ours is a big time dump.

2j, a dump?

If by "dump," you mean "really cool."

As you know, the palmwoods
is home of the future famous.

Do you know how many showbiz legends
have stayed in this very room?

Do you know how many stains and
smells there are in this very room?

If you spill, it's a stain.

When Lindsay Lohan
throws up chocolate milk,

it's history.

And this slight blemish,

the result of a Shia
LaBeouf indoor soccer game.

No soccer in the rooms.

And are you telling me
that you're too good

for the tv enjoyed by Kanye West

when he was known around
here as lil' Kanye West?

Can we at least paint the place?

No, 'cause your lease specifically
states that there will be no painting...

No hanging of personal pictures

I'll allow this one.

No construction of any kind.

And there is no way I am putting
four hockey-playing hooligans

into one of my finer apartments.

So installing an indoor swirly slide
is completely out of the question?

This matter, like this door, is closed.

I'm surprised the pipe didn't burst.

Pipe just burst.

Yep.

We need a new crib.

Yeah, right, like that's just
gonna fall from the sky.

We call it the ultimate teen crib.

Filled with amazing home
electronics, arcade games...

A swirly slide!

[Ding!]

Cool, right?

Put a swirly slide in my office.

Griffin, I don't know what this is,

but I need to work with
the dogs on harmonies today.

Change your plans.

Our ancient japanese founder, Mr. Fujizaki,
wants to dump our music division.

But your boys are going
to change his mind.

- And we get to live in there?
- Yes...

For two hours.

But you have to do a promotional video,

surrounded by rcm/cbt/
global net/sanyoid products,

which will show Fujizaki
why our future rock stars

are perfect for selling his blenders,
plasma tvs, and missile defense systems.

Oh, and do some interviews.

You know, why they love to
sing, why they wear that helmet,

and why they love rcm/cbt/
global net/sanyoid arcade games,

industrial-strength playground slides,
and the new xz5 micro laptop.

Look how tiny.

And we could all wear bandannas.
It could be our thing.

Bandannas.

Griffin, you can't keep coming
into my studio every day

and interrupting my training sessions.

Yes, I can.

And do the interviews by the water.

Fujizaki thinks water is lucky.

It's weird.

But you want a performance
in the teen hangout crib thing.

Exactly.

And I need it in two days,

or the music division will be gone.

But have fun with it.

Okay, we'll build the teenage crib
here in studio "a."

I'll find a nice beach
location for the interviews

and put in some calls for a hot director.

I'm a hot director.

And we're doing everything here,

because it's easier,
quicker, and cheaper.

You, I want to show you where
you're gonna build this thing.

[Harp glissando]

[Trumpet fanfare]

[Farting sound]

No. No way. It's impossible.

A week ago, we were a
hockey team in Minnesota.

And today we're a band in L.A.

Anything is possible.

Okay, you have a point.
But how are we gonna get all this in here?

Take any color you want.

We're not wearing bandannas
in the video, okay?

You know what? You guys never support
my risky fashion choices.

Now, the first ste is
getting the set designer

to build the ultrateen crib here
and not rocque records.

Yeah, that's simple.

And how are we gonna do that?

Logan, are you forgetting that
palmwoods is home of the future famous?

Wait for it.

Trevor, I trusted you with my heart,

my soul, my money.

- Camille.
- What?

All: We need to borrow your acting.

Sure.

I need this installed by 3:00 P.M. tomorrow
at the palmwoods, not rocque records.

Can you do it?

Because if you can't,
Mr. Griffin will find somebody who can.

Yeah, it's all pre-built here.
And the paint will be dry by 3:00.

Good.

Call Mr. Griffin on this number only,

if you have any more questions
or run into any problems.

Back to work, everybody.

[Phone rings]

Arthur Griffin's office.

One moment, please.

Do your Griffin impression now.

Ow!

Hello?

Uh-huh.

Yes.

Move that set to the palmwoods, now.

Okay, I need to touch my llama now. Bye.

- Yes!
- Yes!

I owned them in there.

All you've done is set us up for big-time trouble.

Oh, our little logey,

so pessimistic.

So scared of everything.

And so hot.

Okay.

And I'm not scared.

I'm realistic, as in, what
are you gonna tell your mom

about the crew that'll
be invading your apartment

tomorrow from 11:00 to 3:00?

Hey, I almost forgot.

I'm gonna go look for a job tomorrow,

so I'll be gone from
about 11:00 to 3:00.

Okay, that happened, but what now?

I have no idea.

Frankly, I can't
believe we got this far.

Hey, look.

Wrist-dannas.

Okay, our next worry is Gustavo.

We need to find someone
who can think like him.

Someone who can get inside his head.

Where are we gonna find
someone that devious?

First, you're gonna need more
future stars from the palmwoods.

I recommend the Jennifers
for their lack of fear.

Next, you'll need cordless power tools,

sawdust, cool code phrases, and...

Wait, Katie.

Where did you get the whiteboard?

[Coughing]

Speaking of bitters, you have
to keep him in his cage all day.

But the key to this
whole ultra 2-j makeover

is convincing Gustavo to shoot
the interviews by the pool

like that dog food
commercial last night.

Right. And once our teen dream
remodeling is complete,

he'll have no time and no choice but to shoot
our rock performance right here.

And I get the first turn
on the swirly slide.

I get first turn on the swirly slide.

- I do!
- No, I do!

You can go together.

Let's do this.

All: We're not wearing bandannas.

Bandannas are cool.

You cannot shoot against this.

Yes, I can.

Fujizaki is gonna know
that water is fake.

Fujizaki is 200 years old.

All he knows is what yogurt he likes.

Oh, yeah, and I say so!

He's in a bad mood.
Abort mission.

Just stay cool.
If we fail, we fail.

Heel.

Stay.

Speak.

We took some pictures of the pool
at the palmwoods,

the greatest pool ever,

very lucky water.

It's a great location
for the interviews.

Hot directors shoot there all the time.

Swirly slide!

Oh, the dogs are directing my video now.

Well, let me tell you how it works here.

You are the dogs, and I am the trainer.

Now, sit.

Don't sit.

This pool looks great.

And it's close enough that
we could be back here by 3:00

to shoot the performance at
the ultrateen hangout place.

- Yeah.
- So smart.

Oh, yeah!

No yeah!

You do what I say,
and I say no, no, no!

[Loud crashing]

[Cat yowls]

Hey, let's do the interviews
at the palmwoods.

Here's the check for the location fees.
And thanks for making this happen.

There's also a "making this happen" fee
for me making this happen.

$500?

I'll be in my office if you need me.

Mwah!

The bird is in the cage,
and the Jennifers are in place.

Okay, team, remember your missions.

James, you stall Gustavo.

Carlos, Katie, and Camille,
you head to rocque records

and fake build the ultrateen crib while
Logan and I install the swirly slide

and all those other electronic goodies.

Okay, James is up first.

I'll shoot the rest of you dogs later.

Move out.

Okay, I'm headed over to rocque records.

They should be building the crib now.

And be nice to the boys.
And stop calling them dogs.

Kelly, here's a secret
that you need to learn:

All talent are dogs!

And dogs need to know who's in charge,

or they will not listen to commands

and poop on your carpet.

Just be back at the studio
with the boys at 3:00.

James, sit.

Take off that bandanna.

Take off that bandanna.

Ah!

- Whoa, whoa
- Whoa!

Where do you think
you're going, little lady?

I'm Kelly Wainright.

- I need to check on the ultrateen crib.
- Sorry, can't come in.

No hard hat.

Liability.

Oh, well, I'll just get some coffee.

Come back later.

[Clicks tongue]

Was the eye black really necessary?

No.

The music really sets
the tone, don't you think?

[Spy-themed music]

Jennifer, you're up.

Just to be clear,
we get to be in the video,

which will be seen by a lot of people, right?

Are you kidding?

It's gonna be seen in Japan.

Welcome to the palmwoods.

Elevators are that way.

And please do your best to remain quiet.

We wouldn't want to
disturb our other residents.

I still say this is a bad idea.

Hey, a life without risk
is a life unlived, my friend.

Now off to apartment 2-j.

- Come on.
- Okay, okay.

So far, so good.

Look, I told you there
was nothing to worry about.

I love being a part of the
rcm/cbt/ global net/sanyoid family.

But I hate their hair dryers.

Cut!

Just say what's on the card!

Why? They've completely
ignored ionized technology.

You have said nothing that I can use
in the last two hours.

And in no way am I
purposely stalling you.

Where'd you get that bandanna?

A waffle?
No, thanks.

I already ate.

Ah!

Ah!

[Phone rings]

It's the set designer.

I'm worried.

Uh, Griffin?

No.

Ow!

- Hello?
- Yeah, the room's too small.

So if you want that swirly slide to fit,
we're gonna have to bust into the ceiling.

Is that okay?

Break through the ceiling?
No, no. We'll be arrested.

Uh, sir, can we demolish the ceiling?

Yes.

Rip it up, boys.

You better be right about
this taking risks thing.

Fire in the hole!

[Loud rumbling]

[Siren wails]

Code red, code red!

Bitters is on his way.

What is going on up here?

Please tell me you guys
are good at teen scream horror flicks.

They're desperate.

We want talking parts
in your next three videos.

You do all our ironing
for the next month.

And we sing backup on your next track.

Done.

Where's the ketchup?

[Girls screaming]

The refrigerator you
installed fell on us!

Do you know how bad blood stains?

And now we're gonna run to our
lawyers and sue the palmwoods.

No, no, no. Please don't sue.

[All screaming]

Don't sue!

Don't sue!

Both: They're good.

[Drill whirring]

[Whirring stops]

No, no, no. No, no, no, no!

Oh, the batteries died out.

Hey, is the set done?

[Clears throat]

Sorry, lady. Just a minute.

I need to see the set now, please.

Yeah.

No!

Carlos?

No! This is not Carlos.

Please go away.

Ah!

I am getting security.

And you really think this is gonna work?

It works in cartoons.

Okay, bitters is gone,

and we just have to keep Gustavo
occupied for one more hour.

I can't believe it.
I think we're actually gonna make it.

I'm not even scared.

[Both scream]

Why are the Jennifers dripping ketchup
all over my palmwoods?

- Hey.
- Dogs, interviews now!

Ah!

All done with my long interview.

Bitters. Code red, code red!

This is my house.
You play by my rules.

- Rah!
- Ah!

And they said bandannas weren't cool?

I need to check on the ultrateen crib.

Oh, no.

I love all rcm/cbt/
global netsanyoid products.

And I hope to fill my
room with them someday...

Soon.

And cut.

That was amazing.

[Phone rings]

What?

What?

Yeah, it came out really good, huh?

Uh...

It came out amazing.

Swirly slide!

Whoo!

Ah.

Eh.

There's no time to move
the set back to the studio.

Uh.

[Laughs]

And the video has to be great for Fujizaki,
or we are out of a job.

Uh!

[Grunting]

Light it and shoot it!

♪ got to live it big time. ♪

cut! Print!
And strike the set.

What's going on?

No, where are they going with that?

- Where you going with that?
- Back to the warehouse.

The whole couch?

- Come on.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you dogs think you were
gonna get to keep this stuff?

[Laughing]

Swirly!

Oh, that's really, really good.

The little dogs thought
they outsmarted the big dog.

[Barking]

Take down that cool thing.

Oh, come on. The couch?

What? My slide.

Oh.

[Crash!]
[Farting sound]

But I do have to admit,

we did get some pretty
great stuff today.

Let's just hope Fujizaki
thinks so tomorrow.

♪ ah, ah, ah-ah, oh ♪

♪ make it count, play it straight ♪

♪ don't look back, don't hesitate ♪

♪ where you go big time ♪

♪ what you know, what you feel ♪

we love hockey.

We love singing.

And we have a blast together.

♪ hey, hey listen to your heart now ♪

♪ hey, hey ♪

why do I wear the helmet?

That was a rock.

♪ go on, shake it up ♪

♪ whatcha gotta lose ♪

I'm the smart one of the group,
but don't be fooled.

I'm not afraid to take a risk,

much like rcm's 64 bit
core risc processor.

Ha!

♪ so you got to live it big time. ♪

I like the boys.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

[Coughing]

I've never seen Fujizaki so excited.

Frankly, I think it's the
first time I've seen him move.

You were a good boy today, Gustavo.

Good boy.

So we learned a lot here today, didn't we?

You did some things.

We did some things.

Ten hours of harmonies!

No breaks!

Move out!

Hey!

Well, I love what you've done
with the place.

Uh...

Good job today.

This is awesome.

This is a bone.

Come again?

I realized today, sort of,

that if you really want
to train dogs properly,

you need to throw them
a treat now and then.

So enjoy your treat.

You're not getting any more.

And we lost a day of rehearsal
because of the shoot,

so it's at the studio, 7:30 a.M.

We'll be there. No problem.

We promise, no more surprises.

You've altered this room.

You've completely
devastated this apartment.

You locked him in the supply closet?

No.

Bandanna man did.

This is a total lease violation.

Man, cool swirly slide.

I want all of you out of here tomorrow.

What if I add another grand
to your "making it happen" fee?

Have a palmwoods day, everyone.

Enjoy your stay.

You like them.

They're not like other bands
you've produced, are they?

They're dogs, and I'm training them.

I don't like them!