Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 5, Episode 6 - Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall - full transcript

And how long have you been
standing there, honey?

I came in around the crow's feet.
Did I miss anything?

Just checking to see how the old boy's
holding up under the years.

And how is the old boy
holding up?

Great, except for a receding hairline,
a double chin and a trace of a pot.

Oh, sweetheart.
On you, it looks good.

Sam, the key today is youth.

Eighty percent of the accounts
that McMann & Tate handle...

are designed
to appeal to people under 30.

Well, you appeal to people under 30.
Tabitha adores you.

Honey, I'm not kidding.
I've got to get with it.



If you're over 30,
the youth of today doesn't trust you.

But, Darrin, in advertising...

it's talent that counts,
and that's you at any age.

Honey, you just don't understand.

Your problem is that you love me.

That's not my problem,
that's my pleasure.

Well.

Isn't that sweet.

- Making up after a fight?
- Endora, don't you ever knock?

We're not home.

Fortunately for you,
I don't offend easily.

Let me try a little harder.

I'd appreciate it if when I got
home tonight, you're not here!

Sweetheart, now,
you're going to be late for work.



Now, remember,
you're just as young as you feel.

Right.

Oh, I see Durwood is his usual
charming self.

It's nothing.

Just a little concerned about
creeping middle age. Perfectly natural.

Perfectly vain is what it is.

Vain? Darrin hasn't
a vain bone in his body.

Well, I admit he has nothing to be
vain about, but that doesn't stop him.

Mortals are the vainest creatures
in the world.

- Darrin is the exception.
- Mommy.

- And furthermore...
- Mommy!

Coming, Tabitha.
"Furthermore" will have to wait.

Tabitha and I are going to the park.

Oh, Samantha, you're so blind
when it comes to that mortal nothing.

Not a vain bone in his body, eh?

We'll see about that.

Not a vain bone in your body, eh?

Vanish all self-control

And now we will see
Just how vain you mortals can be

Let's go, gorgeous!

Shut up!

What are you waiting for, a fire?

That's 93 years of our history.

I believe you missed a page. Yes.

- Oh, did I?
- Here we are. Page 11.

Oh, yes. The Pharmaceutical
Gold Seal Award, 1944.

Very impressive.

Hascomb Drug Company won that
for its licorice-flavoured liver pills.

Sounds delicious.

You know, Tate, this tanning lotion
product of ours is a new departure.

Until now,
we've made nothing but pills.

Frankly, I'm a little worried
about branching out.

Oh, relax, Mr. Hascomb. Our specialty
is launching new products.

I hope so.

But still, if it were a pill
I'd feel a lot more comfortable.

- Here, have one.
- What for?

Whatever ails you. You name it,
Hascomb's got the pill for it.

Now, the red ones are for tension,
the whites for indigestion...

and the pinks
for neuritis and neuralgia.

They're so tempting,
it's a shame I'm feeling so well.

Tate, Sunspot Tanning Lotion
was not my idea.

I was against it
right from the beginning.

It was my wife who kept insisting
we try something new.

Impossible woman,
constantly interfering.

Let me put you at ease.

We at McMann & Tate plan
to handle Sunspot Tanning Lotion...

with the same dignity that your pills
have enjoyed all these years.

Good, good.
No flashy campaign for me.

I'm a conservative man.

I run a conservative business,
in spite of my wife...

and that's the way
it's going to stay.

Mr. Hascomb,
put your faith in Darrin Stephens.

If there's one man
who respects the old...

the established,
the tried and true, it's Darrin.

I'm sorry I'm late...

but I passed this haberdasher's
and I just couldn't resist it.

Darrin, this is Mr. Hascomb
of Hascomb Drug Company.

You know,
I just thought of something.

Already? Oh, this man's
got a mind like a steel trap.

- Let's hear it, Darrin.
- There's no mirror in this room.

The conservative 93-year-old company,
with a nice, solid, conservative image.

Young man, what are you wearing?

Love beads. They go all the way back
to ancient Egypt.

The high priests used to wear them.

High priests? You can't
get more conservative than that.

Cigarette, anyone?

Stephens, I hope you understand...

we want a mature, conservative
campaign for our suntan lotion.

But the mature,
conservative consumer...

doesn't hang around beaches.
Young people do.

Mr. Hascomb, which one
of those pills was for tension?

The red ones.

Let's see that.

My, what an interesting box.

Darrin. Getting back
to Sunspot Tanning Lotion.

Frankly, I don't think Mr. Stephens
is the man for us.

Mr. Hascomb,
as one conservative to another...

let's reserve judgment, huh?
At least until this afternoon.

- How about cocktails?
- I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm thirsty already.

- Shall we say 5:00, Seafarer's Lounge?
- Well... Well...

Well, it'll give us time
for a little cautious thinking.

All right. Until 5:00, then.
Goodbye, Tate.

See you at 5:00.

Darrin, what the devil are you doing?

This wood is marvelous.
I can see myself perfectly in it.

What kind of polish do you use?
I must get some.

Hascomb drops a $500,000 account
right in our laps.

No sweat, simple campaign.

You almost blow it, and all you can do
is stand there and smile.

I'll have you know,
these beads are very much in fashion.

- Those beads are for the birds.
- Exactly. The birds have the right idea.

Take the peacock, for example.

The males
have all the brightly colored feathers...

while the females are:

Now, you listen to me, Cock Robin.

When you show up for that meeting,
you'd better be plucked.

You hear me? Plucked.

Honey. Honey, open up!

Well, hi, sweetheart.

What are you doing home so early?
Did Larry give you the afternoon off?

No, I have a cocktail date at 5:00
with a very important client.

I came home to change.

Wait till you see the clothes I bought.
I look magnificent in them.

Shouldn't I be the one
to tell you that?

You will, darling. You will.

What do you think?

I think if your client
is a rock 'n' roll singer...

you've got it made.

As a matter of fact,
he's an old conservative...

who never got beyond the minuet.

Then why are you dressed like that?
You'll lose the account.

Sam, man cannot live
by accounts alone.

I've got to be me.
Young, dashing, with it.

This isn't you. This is...

Mother! Of course.

I don't know what you're talking about.
All I know is I'm late.

Oh, Darrin. Darrin, please.

Just wait a minute.
I'm trying to tell you something.

Mother must have zapped
a vanity spell on you.

- That's why you're behaving this way.
- What way?

Vain, Darrin.

An excessive or undue pride
in one's appearance. Vain.

Just because I appreciate beauty?

Darrin, believe me,
you are a victim of mother's witchcraft.

Nonsense.
Now, will you please step aside?

- You're blocking my view.
- No, I won't step aside.

Not until you change your clothes
for that meeting.

Then you leave me no choice.

Good.

I'll use the mirror in the car.

Mother.

Of all the mean, low-down, spiteful...

Mother, I demand
that you pop in here this instant...

and zap that spell off Darrin.

Tate, my wife, the nag,
calls me a 19th century man...

- and you know what I tell her?
- No, but I'd love to.

I tell her, "What's so hot
about the 20th century?"

That's very clever.

And if my wife can't change me,
what makes Stephens think he can?

He doesn't want to change you.
Believe me, he won't even try.

He'll adjust to your image.

If there's one thing about Darrin,
he's adjustable.

If there's another thing about him,
he's late.

- May I have one of those?
- What color?

A nice assortment would be fine.

Mother!

Well, all right.

If you won't unzap that spell, the least
I can do is try to save that meeting.

Roses and posies,
And daisies and weeds

Come flower power,
Rip off his beads

Now, needle and thread,
And wool and all those

Weave Darrin into
His regular clothes

Ah, there he is, and looking just fine.

Mr. Hascomb, you're about to meet
the real Darrin Stephens.

Sam did this.

She stole the clothes
right off my back.

Well, never mind.

You're beautiful anyway.

Sam!

Sam!

Sam, what have you got
all over you?

What have you got all over you?

Never mind my clothes.
Sam, you're a mess.

I was mixing some cake batter...

when I was startled
by the roar of a bull moose.

- What's your excuse?
- I'm sorry I startled you.

Why don't you just zap it away, like you
did with my clothes at the restaurant?

Thank you, I will.

- Now.
- Oh, no, you don't. Not again.

Darrin, I did it for your own good.

I couldn't let you meet
a conservative client dressed like a...

Go ahead, say it.
Like an attractive, desirable youth.

That's hardly
what I was going to say.

We've got to rush.
We're expected at Larry's in an hour.

Hey, hold it.
What's this about Larry's in an hour?

We postponed the meeting
with Hascomb until tonight.

He and his wife are going to be there.

If anything goes wrong this time,
we'll really lose the account.

I can't wait to see myself
in my new evening jacket.

I can.

- Darrin, the door's locked.
- I know, I locked it.

- Well, unlock it.
- Not yet. I'll call you when I'm ready.

Sweetheart, I have
to get dressed for dinner too.

So either open up,
or slip my clothes under the door.

Here I come, ready or not.

- I'm not ready.
- Smashing, isn't it?

Blinding is the word.

It's the latest thing from Rome.

Fourteen-karat gold lam?.

Fourteen karat?
Well, it must have cost a fortune.

It did, but I'm worth it.

Well, if you're worth it,
I'm worth it too.

Why should you be
the only one who glitters?

How dare you
use witchcraft to dress.

If you can dare gold lam?,
I can dare anything.

I tell you, Sam,
that dress will have to go.

It's just too much.

Too much dress?
Oh, well, I can fix that.

- More witchcraft?
- Yes, but less dress.

Sam, get rid of that dress.

I'll change if you change.

But if you're gonna shimmer in gold,
I'm gonna shimmer in silver.

- This is blackmail.
- It sure is.

All right, Sam, you win this time,
but I won't forget this.

Well, that's all right, sweetheart.
I'll take my chances.

Guess I'll just have to wear
my old tuxedo, with the same old...

Sam, wait! Don't move.

Look at that!

When you stand in a certain light,
I can see myself all over your dress.

It's like a hall of mirrors.

I've never known such happiness.

Oh, Mrs. Tate, you should have
seen Stephens fall into that pool.

It was like a silent-picture routine.

You should have liked that, dear.

After all, silent pictures
are old-fashioned. Just your speed.

Another hors d'oeuvre,
Mrs. Hascomb?

Oh, why not.

- Emily, that's your sixth.
- Who's counting?

I am.
Tate, Stephens is late, as usual.

I wonder
what he fell into this time.

Oh, I'm sure he's on his way.

I hope he gets here before
my wife eats herself into a stupor.

That must be them.

It's not them.

Of course it's us.

It's tomorrow night.
The dinner's tomorrow night. Go away.

Well, I'm sure
that was Darrin's voice.

Is that you, Darrin? Samantha?

- Oh, hi, Louise.
- Louise.

It is you, isn't it?

What magnificent creatures.

Mr. And Mrs. Hascomb,
this is Darrin and Samantha Stephens.

Of course,
Mr. Hascomb knows Darrin already.

Tate, I was under the impression...

this was to be a business dinner,
not a love-in.

- Emily, get your things.
- Oh, relax, Whitney.

I can see
this is gonna be a fun party.

And I think it could use
some champagne. Excuse me.

Where did you get that dress?

- It's a heavenly creation.
- How did you know?

Hascomb, do you happen to have
any of those little red pills on you?

- Emily, get your things.
- Hascomb, let's not act in haste...

Tate, if you think I'm going to put
the solid, conservative public image...

of Hascomb Drugs
into the hands of this...

middle-aged hippie, you're crazy.

Oh, Mr. Hascomb,
I'm very sorry to hear you say that.

Well, yes. I have such respect
for all of your products...

but they don't seem to get
to the right people.

A pill. My kingdom for a little red pill.

I've always told Whitney
he should try to reach the younger set.

Particularly with suntan lotion.

After all, the younger the customer,
the smaller the bathing suit.

And the smaller the bathing suit,
the more skin that needs suntan lotion.

They're right, you know, Whitney.

Oh, you're definitely not with it.

I've pointed that out
a number of times.

Emily, shut up and eat.

Mr. Hascomb,
you really should listen to Darrin.

He has his finger
on the pulse of today.

And his foot
on the unemployment line of tomorrow.

Emily, for the last time,
get your things.

Not yet, darling.

Not until you hand over
the entire Hascomb Drug account...

to this darling young man.

I think I'm witnessing a miracle.

You're out of your mind.

Possibly. But I'm also
the major stockholder...

in the Hascomb Drug Company.

You gave me that gift yourself,
you know, darling.

That wasn't a gift,
that was a tax dodge.

Well, no matter.
Fifty-one percent is 51 percent.

And I say we take
the Hascomb image out of mothballs.

And into today's scene.

Emily, I warn you.

And I also say
we take you out of mothballs.

Mr. Stephens,
may I borrow your beads?

Well I don't know.
I don't like to break up my ensemble.

Oh, thank you.

There, Whitney.
You already look 10 years younger.

Now, about your hair.

I could teach him to tease it.
It does wonders.

Honestly, Larry, this is what Darrin
had in mind all the time.

You mean, you dressed this way...

to convince Hascomb
to go after the young market?

Absolutely. Darrin knew
he had to do something dramatic.

Well, I've certainly
got to hand it to him.

All this time, I though...
I thought it was just vanity.

Darrin, vain?
Why, he hasn't a vain bone in his body.

Come on, everyone,
how about a toast?

Thank you.

To youth.

To the new look
in Hascomb products.

To the good old days.

To the better new days.

To me.

All right, Samantha,
I will take the oath.

As long as the stars
remain in the sky...

as long as the water
remains in the well...

I promise I will never again
zap on Durwood another spell.

Now, I should like
a cup of caf? au lait.

Oh, no. Not so fast.

First, I want the witch's honor sign.

Oh, really, Samantha. Don't you think
you're carrying this thing a bit too far?

After all, I am your mother.

Why do you only remember that
when it's convenient to you?

The witch's honor sign, please.

Oh, all right. Witch's honor.

That's better.

Sweetheart,
you're not gonna believe this...

but Larry just called, and he...

What are you doing in those clothes?

Never mind that.
What is she doing in my house?

I swear, Samantha,
it was not I who did it this time.

As I was about to tell you...

Larry just called to say that
we've got a whole slew of new clients...

because of the way
we handled Hascomb...

and he insists that I dress the part.

I feel ridiculous.

Oh, well, now, never mind, sweetheart.
You look divine.

No, I don't. I look like a jackass.

- That can be arranged.
- Mother!

Well, it's the thought that counts.