Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 5, Episode 5 - It's So Nice to Have a Spouse Around the House - full transcript

Samantha has been summoned to appear before the Witch's Council. Darrin forbids her to go. Since it's a matter of utmost importance that Samantha appears, Endora convinces Samantha that Serena could masquerade as her in front of Darrin while she goes to appear in front of the Council. Samantha is able to convince Serena to do so. Later, Darrin, feeling guilty over his hard nosed stance, decides to take Larry's advice to make it up to Samantha by taking her on a second honeymoon, back to the romantic spot they had their original honeymoon. Serena tries her best to "be Samantha" in this situation, but she still tries to curb what is Darrin's honeymoon amorous mood until Samantha returns.

Mother.

Good morning, darling.
I bring you greetings...

from the Witches' Council
where you're needed immediately.

I'm fixing Darrin's breakfast.

Oh, now there's
an earthshaking mission.

What a day...

- wasn't it?
- Mother was just leaving.

I'll go get the paper. Excuse me.

Of course, Durweed.

- All right, Mother. What's the problem?
- The problem is...

that since you married that... mortal,
you've only made two appearances...



before the Witches' Council. To say
they're getting restless puts it mildly.

You may tell them
that I do not choose to oblige.

I've too much to do
around here today.

I know you've forgotten most
of what you learned at my knee...

but you remember what the Council
does to those who stand in their way.

Let them do their worst.

- What's that?
- I hope it's their worst.

Mother.

Mother!

He never looked better.

- Mother, do something.
- It's a Council move, Samantha.

There's nothing I can do.

But there's something you can do.

All right. But first I'll have to
ask Darrin if he minds.



- Ask?
- Mother, that's what a wife does.

Tell him the truth.

I'm sure he'd rather do without you
for a few hours...

than wind up a bird perch.

Mother, pop out.

Darrin, are you in there?

Witches' Council, noble eight,
clearly hear me as I state:

In haste I'll fly to do my task...

but release the spell so I may ask.

Good news. Mother just left.
You all right?

No. You know I don't like your mother
popping in first thing in the morning.

A man's entitled to some privacy.

- What do you mean, am I all right?
- Nothing.

What did old "double, double,
toil and trouble" want?

Really, Darrin.
You have such a suspicious mind.

- What was that?
- Just a little bird. Cute, huh?

Come on inside.
I'll make breakfast. Come on.

- Like it?
- Are you gonna tell me or not?

- You think I have something to say?
- A little bird told me.

I have to appear
at the Witches' Council.

I'd only be gone a few hours.

Samantha,
let's get something straight.

First you're my wife.
Then you're a witch.

And a wife's place
is with her husband.

Oh, good. I guess that means
you want me...

to play golf with you this afternoon.

You know what I mean.

I've not only lost a daughter,
I've gained a bullhorn.

Don't apologize if you have to leave
before I finish dressing.

- Well?
- I can't go.

You can't not go.

That's it.

Serena can appear before the Council
and pretend she's me.

Samantha, you can fool
all of the people some of the time...

and some people all of the time...

but don't try to put anything over
on a witch.

- However...
- However?

Serena certainly
could fool Durwood.

Well, I'd hate to deceive him.

Well, that's because
you haven't had enough practice.

Once you get the technique
smoothed out, it's a groove.

- A groove?
- I keep up.

Well, I guess I don't have
any other choice.

I am here.

The heart has answers
the eyes cannot see.

It is truly said, the wise man is he...

who hears
the unlistened-for voice.

What's that supposed to mean?

The guru is a groove.

She keeps up too.

Serena, put the flowers down.
We need you.

A favour is the reach
a soul can make.

- What's up?
- You are.

And if you really want to be helpful,
you'll get down here.

Serena, all you have to do
is stay here for one afternoon...

pretend to be me, so Darrin won't
know I've gone to a Council meeting.

What do I do?

Just be a housewife
for a few hours.

Serena, you owe me a lot of favours.
Here's a chance to clean the slate.

Okay.

Quit staring at me.
You know I'm right.

No husband would put up with his wife
flying all over who-knows-where.

It's not like you're a stewardess.

If that crack
about joining my foursome...

was supposed to make me feel guilty
about playing golf today...

it didn't even make a dent.

You haven't much time, Samantha.

Now, remember, Serena,
no witchcraft.

Witch's honour.
I'll be just like you:

The perfect little wife.

- Don't overdo it.
- Don't worry.

Well, I'm on my way.
Behave yourself.

What do I do first, dust something?

Look, I picked flowers.

Hi, Auntie Serena. Where's Mommy?

Tabitha, how would you like
to go to the zoo?

That would be fun.

Honestly.

The usual, Ernie.

Oh, and make it a double
for old Arnie Palmer here.

- Knock it off.
- Are you Arnold Palmer?

Say, how about taking
a look at my grip?

- I'm not Arnold Palmer.
- He is not Arnold Palmer.

- Are you?
- No.

Then that must be me.

Boy, I sure have slipped.

You're upset.

- Anything you wanna talk about?
- No.

- Sam, huh?
- And I don't wanna talk about it.

Well, whatever it is, I've been there.

I've seen it all.
Twenty years in the loser's circle.

I was a heel this morning,
a loudmouth, self-righteous...

- dum-da-dum.
- That's "dum-dum."

Thanks.

Well, we're all heels once in a while.
They force you into it.

It's not the same. Sam is...

different.

Listen, Louise isn't Chicken Delight.

Take it from Uncle Larry.

Marriage is like the main event.
You gotta roll with the punches.

That old Wedded Bliss Special
is off the track, so what do you do?

You gotta get it back on the tracks.

What's...?

Tate's famous t?te-?-t?te,
the honeymoon special...

guaranteed to solder
a doddering marriage.

That's ridiculous.

A second honeymoon?

Moonlight and laughter,
just the two of you...

some romantic spot
you used to go to.

Fill her with memories
and champagne.

Forget the kid
and the mortgage and...

- And the office?
- You don't have to overdo it.

Larry, are you offering me
a vacation?

Darrin, anything that can't be done
over a weekend isn't worth doing.

Thanks, Larry.
I'm going home right now...

and start putting my marriage
back on the right track.

- Sorry.
- It's all right.

- It is?
- Not because I approve...

but because I've been
a stubborn, willful, unreasonable boor.

Till I've made it up to you
you can do all the witchcraft you want.

What are you doing home?

I felt so badly about
the way I acted this morning...

- You did?
- I didn't even finish my golf game.

- You didn't?
- And I wanna make up.

You do? How?

- I'll tell you in the car.
- What car?

- Where are we going?
- I thought we might take a little drive.

No. No, no, no, I couldn't possibly.

I have to finish the housework.

Go ahead. Just give a little zap
while I go upstairs and change.

It's a good thing your mother
took Tabitha after all.

We're free as the birds.

And the bees.

Darling, marriage is an institution,
not a vacation resort.

- He's back from his golf game.
- Oh, no.

It's worse.
He wants to take me for a ride.

What does that mean?

- He wants to make up.
- Oh, I know what that means.

- What am I going to do?
- Ready, honey.

You'd better do
what Samantha would do.

- What's that?
- Anything he says.

Well, we've certainly had
our little drive...

and I feel better.

But it's getting late,
so let's go home.

We have no home.
We're gypsies, free and unfettered.

Darrin, I really think
we should head home.

Relax, honey.
Forget about the house and the baby.

There's just you and me
and Mother Nature.

Boy, that's some threesome.

Isn't there anything else on the radio?

That's the perfect music.

Perfect? For what?

You'll see.

Where are we?

Sam, you can't make me believe
you've forgotten...

where we spent our honeymoon?

Honeymoon?

"Moonthatch Inn"?

Oh, hello, hello, hello,
my little lovebirds, hello.

So, you have flown
back to the nest.

It's good to see you, Madame Wageir.
Sam?

Ye... It was nice seeing you again,
Madame Wageir. Goodbye.

Of course. "Goodbye." I understand.

Do not worry. I disappear.

No one know how to disappear
like Madame Wageir.

I do. But I won't.

Serena, I'm home. I got back early.
Serena?

Serena, you're off the hook.

So, it is perfect.

At Moonthatch Inn, love begin.

The key to happiness.
And now:

I disappear.

Well...

here we are.

I noticed.

Now let's go home.

We can come back tomorrow.

We're not going anywhere
until we've had a heart-to-heart talk.

One, I apologize for this morning.
I was selfish, and I'm sorry.

Two, I know you'll forgive me.

Three, we're going to have
a beautiful weekend here together.

Weekend? We can't.

- The baby.
- We'll call Endora...

and receive her undying gratitude...

- for getting to baby-sit all weekend.
- Don't.

I... I mean, they're probably not back
from the zoo yet.

You're right. Anyway, we shouldn't
interrupt this moment...

even with a phone call,
sweetheart.

Look!

- Lunch. I'm starved.
- Well, that's good.

We'll need our strength
for those long walks out on the dunes.

Remember?
The crashing of the surf...

There's an idea.
Let's go take a long walk on the dunes.

Well, I'm tired from the drive.

What about getting into
something comfortable?

How about the car?
That's comfortable.

Sam, I don't mean
to sound melodramatic...

but there's something
precious at stake.

You don't know the half of it.

Sam, please. I'll go down to the car.
I packed a bag for us.

Now there's nothing more to be said.

We're going to spend
the weekend here together.

- And that's it?
- And that's it.

Well, if that's it...

You try to relax.

- Okay, Sam, I get the picture.
- No, you don't, really.

Don't make it worse.
Let's not lie to each other.

It isn't what you think.
I mean...

I'm just not myself today.

Hey...

you're not feeling shy about all this,
are you?

That's it. I'm shy.

So let's go home.

Honey, it's me,
the fella you said "I do" to.

I know I did, but I don't now.
So let's go home?

- You're still mad.
- No, I'm not, really.

And I'll prove it to you.

Not now. Later.

Mother, I knew I shouldn't have gone.

- Well, you did what you had to.
- But it's after 6. Where are they?

Surely you're not worried about
what's-his-name being with Serena?

No. Course not.

There they are.

I think you better pop out until you
can effect a transfer with Serena.

Yeah. Right.

Tabitha is waiting up
to say night-night.

Oh, you... You go ahead, sweetheart.

I'll be up in a minute.

Isn't she back yet?

- Hi.
- Boy, am I glad to see you.

Serena, what happened?

Some other time. I just want
to go off somewhere and meditate.

Serena, hold it.
Wh... What happened? Where were you?

Moonthatch Inn.

Moonthatch Inn?
Where we spent our honeymoon?

Moonthatch Inn,
where perfection reigns...

and luckily, the sun never sets.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, the next time
you need a stand-in around here...

do me a favour
and call a theatrical agent.

- Did you have a good time at the zoo?
- Yes. What did Auntie Serena bring me?

Auntie Serena's not here, dear.

She was here this morning
with Grandmama.

Are you sure?

I asked her where Mommy was
and that's when Grandmama...

took me to the zoo.

Should I tell you
about the animals?

You already have, sweetheart.

You... You've been awfully quiet
all evening.

Just thinking.

About today...

Well, I hope you understand,
I wasn't quite...

Well, if...
If I was a little... funny, I'm sorry.

- Funny?
- You know...

withdrawn, coolish.

You call that withdrawn?

I wasn't withdrawn?

You want me to tell you that you
were mysterious and exciting...

that I never found you
more adorable and desirable.

Well, I won't, because, frankly...

I'm just too tired.

So good night, you wench, you.

Good night, Darrin.

How'd things go
at the Council meeting?

Oh, everything went fine. I...

- You knew all the time!
- Now, hold it! Sam...

- Darrin, that was so mean!
- I give up. I give up. I give up.

- I give up.
- Well, okay.

- So do I. I shouldn't have sneaked out.
- I shouldn't have said no.

No. No, you were right.

I said I'd only attend meetings here.
I should've stuck to it.

And I should have taken you back
to Moonthatch Inn a long time ago.

How about next weekend?
What do you say?

"There is no time or place
where love transcends."

That's guru talk. Serena taught me.

Yeah, what does it mean?

It means Moonthatch Inn
begins at home.