Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 5, Episode 4 - Darrin Gone! and Forgotten? - full transcript

Here.

Look, sweetheart, dishpan hands.

That's terrible.

No, it isn't. It's wonderful.
I've always wanted dishpan hands.

Makes a witch feel like she belongs.

Well, on you they look good.

Happy, sweetheart?

Let's see, I've got a beautiful wife,
a lovely daughter...

a comfortable home, a good job.

I guess I'm reasonably happy.

Why only reasonably?



I would be ecstatically happy
if you were an orphan.

Another remark like that,
and I'll be a widow.

Honey, I was only joking.

It's jokes like that that can
get you turned into an artichoke.

Besides, I thought you and Mother
were getting along well lately.

You're almost on speaking terms.

Let's hope it stays almost.

How about a little after-dinner drink?

All right. Let's have something
different and marvellous and exotic.

Scotch and soda?

Delicious.

Darrin, why don't you try
a new approach to Mother?

Well, she's not all bad, you know?

She does have a good side. All you
have to do is find it and get on it.



I'll admit that's not easy,
but I think it's worth a try.

Don't you, sweetheart?

Don't you?

Darrin, just because I said
Mother has a good side...

doesn't mean you
have to stop talking to me.

Darrin?

Darrin?

Darrin?

Darrin.

Darrin?

Mother. Mother?

I demand that you appear
before me immediately...

and no stalling.

I hope you have good news.

You just plucked me off a coral reef.

Don't be cute.

I'm not being cute.

I was skin diving in the Bahamas
with Jacques-Yves Cousteau.

Now, if you'll just excuse me.

Mother, Darrin is gone,
and you know it.

Oh, you do have good news.

Now tell me.

You tell me. Where is he?

Very well.

I'll tell you, straight out.

I haven't the foggiest.

Now, Mother, I'm sorry
to have to ask you to do this...

but repeat after me:

Spiders that crawl, bats that fly,
silence my tongue if I'm telling a lie.

Samantha, get hold of yourself.

I'd like to take credit
for Durwood's disappearance...

but I give you my word,
I had nothing to do with it.

- You didn't?
- No.

Then where is he?

Well, I don't know.

Now, Mother,
let's be calm about this.

I am calm. I'm positively serene.

It's you who are all stoked up.

Mother, Darrin's gone,
and somebody's got him.

Who'd want him?

Now, who would...

Uncle Arthur. That's it.

Uncle Arthur is using Darrin
for one of his practical jokes.

Well, why would he
do a thing like that?

Durwood is already a practical joke.

Mother.

But why would...

Uncle Arthur is cooking up
one of his mad, wild...

That wasn't Uncle Arthur.

No, it certainly was not.

- Well, who was it?
- I haven't the slightest idea.

I hope.

Carlotta.

Endora, darling.

How nice to see you again
after all these years.

You're a sight for sore eyes.

Oh, thank you, my dear Carlotta...

and you're a sight too.

Mother... Mother I hate to barge
into this reunion, but...

You're Samantha.

Right. Who are you?

What a beautiful creature you are.

You don't look at all
like your mother.

Mother, please, pull in your claws.

Carlotta, you must
be here for some reason.

Does it involve Darrin?

Aren't you going to offer me
something to drink?

We're fresh out of hemlock.

Oh, now stop it, you two.

My husband's gone,
and you two are playing cat and cat.

She's right.
Enough of this merriment.

- Endora.
- What?

Haven't you told Samantha
about our little deal?

It must have slipped my mind.

Very well.
I'll tell you about it myself.

It seems that
at the turn of the century...

Vanity prevents my naming which.

- Your mother promised
the hand of her firstborn daughter...

to my firstborn son.

Oh, I vaguely remember
something like that.

When the planet Icarus...

passes between
Pluto and Jupiter, I collect.

Oh, you're both mad.

But not half as mad as I'm getting.

Oh, it was eons ago, darling.
Eons ago at a party.

Carlotta, get this straight...

I am already married.

Marriages to mortals don't count.

- You bring him back here this instant.
- But of course, my dear.

Now, where shall we put him?

The telly might be fun.

Help!

Oh, now, Darrin, don't you worry.
I'll get you out of there.

Relax. Those aren't animals
chasing him.

They are only animal sounds.

And if you refuse
to marry my son, Juke...

your precious Darrin will be running
from those sounds forever.

Carlotta, it's witches like you
that give us all a bad name.

Thank you.

Mother, how could you make
such a primitive marital arrangement?

They did that sort of thing
in the Middle Ages.

I think it was in the Middle Ages.

Are you ready to go and meet Juke?

Carlotta, why don't
the two of us sit down...

and discuss this thing
like intelligent...

Help! Help!

I'm ready.

Don't worry, Samantha.
I'll think of something.

I hope so.

And I'll take good care
of Tabitha for you.

Just don't marry her off
while I'm gone.

And this is Juke's room.

He's so proud of all his pinups.

Why, all these pictures are of me.

But of course.

Juke has been in love with you
ever since he was a baby.

But he's never even met me.

Just a formality.

Mother? Mother, I'm home.

We're up here, darling.

I'm sorry I am late,
but I ran into some old school friends...

Oh, that's all right, darling.

Juke, dear, we have a guest.

It's Samantha.

Hello, Juke.

Hi.

Shake her hand, dear.

That's enough.

Now then, Juke dear...

who always keeps her word?

You do, Mother.

And who promised
that someday you would have...

Samantha as your wife?

You did, Mother.

And what a handsome couple
you will make.

Glorious.

Remember, Samantha.

What's that?

Just your mother's
depraved sense of humour.

I didn't put up any of
those pictures of you, Samantha.

My mother did.

Here's another one
with dear cousin Serena.

Hey, how about her?

No, Mother made up her mind.
It's got to be you.

Don't you ever talk back
to your mother?

Of course I do. Lots of times.

- Then all we have to do...
- I talk back when she's asleep...

or in the shower.
You should've heard me tell her off.

- I was magnificent.
- Groovy.

It's amazing with a mother like that
how I turned out so well-adjusted.

Juke, there's one thing we can do.

- What's that?
- You'll have to stand up to her.

- No, think of another thing to do.
- Oh, come on, Juke.

You can do it. Just try.

You're wrong. I can't change
the pattern of a lifetime just like that.

After all, the roots
of my cowardice run deep.

But you're a warlock.

No, warlock schmorlock.

Juke, look...

maybe if you'd act like a warlock,
you'd begin to feel like one.

Well, I...

- I guess I can try.
- What did you say?

I said... I'll try, Samantha.

That's better.

Now, let's practice.
Just pretend that I'm your mother.

Yes, ma'am.

Juke, I thought you said you'd try.

Oh, I will. I will.

Let's do it again.

Yeah, well, okay, sit down.

Now, here goes.

Now, you make believe
I'm your mother.

- Good morning, Juke.
- What's good about it?

Juke, just because you're a warlock
doesn't mean you have to be nasty.

Just stand up for your rights.

- Stand up.
- Your rights.

Rights. I got you. I got you.

- Good morning, Juke darling.
- Good morning, Mother.

It is such a beautiful day.

Why don't you and I
take a fly in the sky?

I'd rather not, Mother.

Juke, Mother wants you
to go flying with her.

I've made other plans. I'm flying
with some of the guys to the Riviera.

That's it, Juke.
Keep up the good work.

Mother does not like you
to fly so far from home.

Tough!

I positively forbid it.

Tough and double-tough.

I'm a warlock, and what I say goes.

Bravo, Juke. How do you feel?

Strong, like the warlock I am.

Take me to the enemy.

Mother, let's get one thing straight.

Juke, dear, you're blocking my sun.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Mother, I will not fly with you today,
so don't even bother to ask me.

- And furthermore...
- Juke, dear be a good boy...

and bring Mother
a cup of iced nectar.

Not only am I an adult, I'm a warlock,
which is the strongest thing around.

Juke, Mother is thirsty.

And what I say goes because
every witch knows my word is...

Would you like cream
or lemon in your nectar?

Lemon.

Oh, Samantha, you're back.

The wedding's off, right?

Wrong. It's still on.

And the irony of it is that Juke
doesn't even want to marry me.

Well, then there's no problem.

You don't know Juke.
Carlotta has him very well trained.

On command, he sits and heels.
He even fetches.

Oh, Samantha, what a shame.

A shame is getting
a run in your stocking.

This is a catastrophe.

Oh, I'm afraid, my darling,
that you'll have to go through with it.

Carlotta's a very powerful witch.

As strong as she is...

she must have a weakness,
an Achilles' heel.

As a matter of fact,
she has Achilles' heel.

It's bronzed and mounted
on her mantelpiece.

Yet there's something about her,
something vulnerable.

I warn you, Samantha.

Zap for zap, she's unbeatable.

Mother, I'm not going to
fight her with witchcraft.

I've just thought of
a much more powerful weapon.

That's Carlotta's calling card.

She always was one
for a big entrance.

I think I'll make a little exit.

How dare you desert my son.

Perhaps you have forgotten:

Help! Help!

The next time, I put animals
behind those sounds.

You dare to yawn
in the jaws of my power?

Carlotta, your threats
are beginning to bore me.

Very well, Samantha,
you asked for it.

Lions and tigers, after your prey...

Darrin Stephens
is your feast today.

Mother, please wait.

Samantha, she means it.
She's serious. She'll really do it.

Let her.

- Let her?
- Let me?

Yes.

Do you know what
your problem is, Carlotta?

Oversell.

You don't have enough faith
in your own son.

Well, that's true, Mother.
You'll have to admit that.

Juke is warm and sensitive.

You think so?

Of course.

And how could I resist
that personality...

that charm, that wit.

Well, after all,
he is his mother's son.

And his looks.

He's also his father's son.

Gee, Samantha. I should have tried
to played down my attractiveness.

I'm sorry it got out of hand.

I owe you a great debt, Juke.

Being married to a mortal
was a strain.

You've set me free.

I think this calls
for a little celebration.

Champagne.
For our new, happy little family.

To our new family.

What's the matter? You're not drinking.
Don't you like the toast?

Of course he does.
It's just that he doesn't drink.

It gives him flushes.

It does not.

Mother says it does.

Nonsense.
One little drink can't hurt him.

I am his mother.

And if I say no, it's no.

I am his wife-to-be, and I say yes.

Well, I guess he could have
one little drink.

Good.

To our new life together.

Gee, oh, I like this stuff.

Samantha, you're gonna
make a great wife.

- Oh, it's only the beginning, Juke.
- Beginning?

What beginning?

Of the new Juke.

For instance,
look at the way he's dressed.

Where'd you get that suit, Juke?

Mother zapped it for me.

Well, it'll have to go.

I'm beautiful.

- Groovy.
- Ghastly.

A wife has something to say
about the way her husband dresses...

and I say:

I am his mother, and I say:

Hold it!

I'm the wearer, and I say it stays.

Well, all of this will straighten out
when you are married...

and come home to live.

Oh, surely you don't think
we're gonna live with you?

Atta-witch, Samantha.

But don't worry, Carlotta.
You'll have visitation rights.

You will allow me
to visit my own son?

Oh, well, of course.
I'm not heartless.

You can visit him
every other Sunday.

And you can always phone me.

Juke.

You may look, but don't touch.

This marriage is off!

Oh, no, this marriage is not off.

What?

Mother, I've been thinking lately.

You shouldn't think too much.
It makes you bald.

I've been thinking. A deal is a deal.

- I'm going to marry Samantha.
- Juke...

Just come home with me...

and I won't ever tell you
what to do again.

She won't even suggest.

Well, let's see.

First of all, I dig these clothes.

What you dig is all I desire.

And another thing,
I'm gonna live on my own cloud.

No. That's where I draw the line.

Juke, at least...

get a cloud on the same block
as your mother.

Well...

Well, okay. Now, pop off, Mother.
I'll be right there.

Now, wait a minute.
What about Darrin?

I will send Darrin to you
as soon as you send Juke to me.

- I hate to rush you, Juke...
- Oh, I'm leaving. I'm leaving.

I did want to thank you for showing me
how to handle my mother.

- Anytime.
- And, Samantha...

if you ever get tired
of being married to a mortal...

I'll be around.

I think I'll make mine a double.

I think I'll have a double too.

A double?

Well, it's been quite an evening.

I'll drink to that.

There is nothing like a nice,
quiet evening at home...

just the two of us.

You're right.
There's nothing quite like it.

Just in time
for my second cup of caf? au lait.

Sorry, Mother dear,
but I'm down to my last drop.

Oh, well, no matter.

I prefer instant coffee anyway.

What are you doing up so early?

Or haven't you been to sleep yet?

I bring news, Samantha.

A letter from Juke.

Well, it's been months
since his emancipation.

I was wondering
how he was getting along.

Well, he says that...

- Mother, you didn't.
- Of course not.

How could you think that I'd...

What did the dear boy say?

"Dear Samantha...

just a note to let you know
that I found the right girl for me...

and we're getting married."

- Isn't that wonderful?
- Go on.

"And just as soon as my wife decides
when we're going on our honeymoon...

and when we're coming back
and where we're going to live...

I'll let you know,
and you can visit us.

- That is if my wife will allow it.
- That is if my wife will allow it.

- Love, Juke."
- Love, Juke."

Oh, Mother.

- You're such a naughty witch.
- I know.