Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 3, Episode 1 - Nobody's Perfect - full transcript

And we're gonna
take one little bite.

There you go! Isn't
that good? Crunch.

Crunch, crunch,
yeah! It's delicious.

Don't forget, honey. Call me from the
doctor's office the minute he finishes.

Oh, but, darling,
she's only having a

checkup, and we know
she's in perfect health.

The diaper rash. Be sure and
ask him about the diaper rash.

I've been losing a good deal of sleep
over that diaper rash. Tabatha hasn't.

And over-drooling. As I see
it, she's been over-drooling.

I'm surprised at you.

And be sure to tell him
that Phil Hooverback's



little girl is potty-trained
at 11 months.

That's pretty
precocious training.

Darling, you're so nervous, you're going
to need a checkup more than Tabatha.

Now, look at her. Isn't she
fine? Isn't she beautiful?

She is beautiful,
and so are you.

Oh, thank you.

And I still want you to call me the
minute the doctor finishes his checkup.

Yes, sir.

- "Bye, Daddy."
- Bye-bye, Daddy.

Good girl.

Mr. Stephens, please.

Hi, Darrin, it's me.

I promised I'd call as soon as
Dr. Koblin finished Tabatha's exam.

Well, he says she's...



Oh, wait, wait, wait. I've got
my list right here somewhere,

mixed up with this
miserable Robbins campaign.

Okay. Now, what
did he say about her...

Just a minute, sweetheart.

Dr. Koblin? Hmm?

As one baby expert to
another... please, do you mind?

Oh, why, certainly. [Chuckles]

Here we go. Darrin.

I'm happy to report your daughter's
perfect in every department.

Um, about this diaper rash...

Yes. Wonderful.

Yes, I checked that thoroughly.

Uh-huh. Excellent.

I have a feeling she's been over-drooling.
Oh, I checked that thoroughly.

And the potty-training?
A friend of ours...

Her little girl was
potty-trained at 11 months.

Is that... [Doctor]
Excellent. Couldn't be better.

[Darrin] That was
my diagnosis exactly.

[Doctor] I'm so happy to have
your confirmation, "Dr. Stephens."

That's right.

Darrin, she's a perfectly marvelous,
sensational, absolutely wonderful,

typical, average baby.

Good-bye.

Hi.

Now, Tabatha, I want
you to do that test,

and I certainly
hope you flunk it.

I think.

Now,

you can't get that pretty
pony, can you, Tabatha?

- Can you get
the pretty pony?
- Come-a.

[Giggles] She can't
get the pretty pony.

- Pretty pony.
- She can get the pretty pony.

Oh, just wait until
your father finds out.

Oh, what could be worse? My
mother finding out. That could be worse.

Finding out what, dear?

Oh, Mother, what
a lovely surprise!

Oh, but right at Tabatha's
nap time. What a rotten shame.

Let's let her get to sleep. If she's
going to sleep, she needs her bottle.

What is going on here?

Oh, n-n-nothing,
Mother. Nothing at all.

Now, I didn't use my power
to float that bottle to Tabatha,

and I know you promised
Darwin to restrain yourself.

Now, that leaves only Tabatha.

Tabatha! Is that
what's going on here?

Oh, how utterly, utterly divine!

Put the bottle down, dear,
and come to Grandmama.

Oh, you little dear!
Welcome to the fold!

Mother... What?

Uh, Mother? What?

Maybe it's just a fluke. Fluke?

In our family? Oh,
don't be absurd.

- Well...
- Darwin.

That's what it is.

Ah, he doesn't know?
You haven't told him yet?

Oh, how delicious. [Chuckles]

Darling, let Mother tell him
for you. It will be quite fitting.

No, Mother, no. Absolutely not.

I want to prepare Darrin
to get him used to the idea.

And when he is used to the
idea, then I want to tell him myself.

Now, I mean it. Until I
do tell Darrin otherwise,

Tabatha is just a typical, average
baby, just like the doctor said.

That's what the doctor said:

"Your baby is perfect
in every department...

Wonderful, marvelous,
sensational."

I could say more, but I
don't like to brag. Really?

It's not noticeable.

But let me tell you what another
man said... our client, Mr. Robbins.

He said this
campaign is no good!

"No good"?

I've been working night and day
for three solid weeks on this account.

I haven't been home to dinner. I
haven't seen my wife or daughter. I...

I know it, Darrin. That's why I
want you to take the afternoon off.

Take the afternoon off? Sure!

Go home, see your wife and daughter.
Rest, relax, get a new lease on life.

- In one afternoon.
- Yeah, on account of Robbins
is coming to town tonight,

and I'm bringing him over
to your place for cocktails...

so you can get a better feel of
the kind of image his firm wants.

I see.

You want me to take the
afternoon off to rest and relax,

get to know my wife and
daughter, get a new lease on life,

so I can slave night and day
for another three weeks or more.

- Right?
- Right.

All right, Larry.

If you want to make a physical wreck
out of a perfect-in-every-department...

baby's father, well,
that's okay with me.

Mother? Yes, dear.

Larry's bringing a
client over for cocktails.

I've got to get some
hors d'oeuvres.

Well, Tabatha and I will
be just fine alone, dear.

Well, you won't be alone for long,
Mother. Darrin's going to be home early.

And if he gets here before
I get back, remember:

not one word about
Tabatha being a...

Um, uh... you know.

The word's "witch," dear.

Hey. Behave yourself.

Ah, Tabatha, my
dear, we're finally alone.

Let's have some fun, huh?

Now... Now, watch Grandmama now.

Peekaboo!

Peekaboo!

Tabatha. Tabatha,

do you think you could do
that fun trick for Grandmama?

Go on. Try, dear.

Funny. Go on. Try harder.

Very well. Come to think of it,

your own mama couldn't disappear
past her knees until she was five.

Well, let's see now.

Let's see now, hmm?

Ah! That's it!

Let's see if Grandmama's little
darling has developed basic topsy-turvy.

Shall we, huh? Look.

Watch the lamp.

See it?

There. Now, flip it back.

There. Oh! Hex it for Grandmama.

Hex it for Grandmama.

Well, I guess the lamp is
too heavy for your little hand.

Now, Tabatha,

Now, pretty, pretty. Let's
try this little dish, huh?

Now, watch the little dish.

There. Yes. Oh.

Honey, I'm home!

Hi, Endora. When
did you swoop in?

Is that any way to greet
your daughter's grandmama?

Oh, sorry. Hi, Granny.

- And how is Daddy's
little girl?
- Out! Out!

Did you hear she passed her
pediatrician checkup with flying colors?

Oh, she's quite a little girl,
all right. Where's Samantha?

She went to the store
to get hors d'oeuvres

or something equally
foolish for your client.

Yes. He and Larry are
coming over this evening.

She'd never have to do such menial things
if she didn't have a mortal for a husband.

She could arrange a
cocktail party just like that.

[Chuckling] How dare you?

How dare I what? What? What?

How dare you what, what,
what? How dare you...

How dare you perform feats of
M-A-G-I-C in front of my daughter?

[Scoffs] I guess I
lost my H-E-A-D.

Endora, this is a serious matter.
These are Tabatha's formative years,

and I don't want her normal little
psyche scarred with M-A-G-I-C.

And another thing. When
you're left to mind Tabatha,

don't put so many
toys in her playpen.

Why, she loves a lot of toys.

I know what's best
for my daughter.

Now, cut that
out! I didn't do it!

Then explain how such
a thing could happen.

Oh, you're getting
much too clever.

I can't fool you at all
anymore, can I, Dumbo?

- Darrin!
- Oh, yes.

Whatever you say. Excuse Daddy
for losing his temper, sweetheart,

but I'm the one guy in the world
who can say without malice...

his mother-in-law
is a W-I-T-C-H!

Oh, he can spell it out
till the cows come home,

but we both know what
we are, don't we, Tabatha?

Get the pony!

That's a girl! [Laughs]

That's a girl. That's
Grandmama's little girl.

Purity, Darrin. I am
looking for purity...

and something soft and
something absolutely innocent.

Well, purity and innocence are fine, but
how are they gonna help sell transmissions?

I don't know. All I know is the
Robbins firm wants to change its image.

We'll let our competitors shove
transmissions down the buyers' throats.

We don't find that
palatable. Mark, I'm sure

Darrin can come up with
the campaign you want.

Sam, how's Tabatha?

Oh, she's fine. I'd let you take
a peek at her, but she's asleep.

She's wide awake. I was just
up there. You wanna see her?

[Mark] Well, sure, that
sounds fine. Now, Darrin,

Larry saw the baby just three days ago, and
I know that Mr. Robbins isn't interested.

That was before the doctor said
she was perfect, absolutely perfect.

Darrin, he didn't
mean that literally.

No baby's absolutely perfect.

Argue with the doctor.
He's the one who said it.

Come on. Let's go up there
and put her through her tricks.

Tricks? But, uh, uh...

Come on, honey.
[Stammering] Well, all right.

Look at that face.

I've been told she looks like
me. Maybe not through the ears,

but there's a strong
resemblance. Look at that face!

Don't you see?
That's our new image...

Softness, purity,
absolute innocence.

Hey. I know what you mean.

And don't forget beauty.

Yes. Yes, indeed. Right.

And these are areas that have never
been associated with truck transmissions.

It's a very original idea.

[Mark] Just picture
Tabatha's face plastered

on billboards all
over the country,

with a caption reading,

"A Robbins transmission
makes you feel...

almost shiftless."

I think we can iron
out that slogan, Mark.

And I'll arrange an appointment for
Tabatha with the agency photographer...

But I don't think...
[Mark] No, no, no.

We don't want just any
agency photographer.

There's just one man who
can do justice to that face.

But I really don't think...

[Larry] Diego Fenman?
[Mark] Who else?

Can you get him? Certainly!

Only about the greatest
baby photographer in the world!

Sam, imagine Tabatha being photographed
by Diego Fenman! How about that?

- Well, I'm afraid
we can't do that.
- Why?

Um, well, you know
what they say happens...

to babies who go into
modeling or show business.

They get their picture
all over everything,

they start believing
their own press clippings,

and they bounce from
marriage to marriage.

Sam, at her age, she won't
even know what she's doing.

With a face like Tabatha,
we've got a winning campaign.

You really think she's
cute, don't you, Mark?

Like he said, she's a doll.

Maybe she's got one of those faces
that photograph fat or something.

Sam, I'd like to go through
with this. Well, if you ask me...

Fine! I'll call Diego
Fenman and set up an

appointment for Tabatha
early Saturday morning.

Great! Honey,

I'll bet we are the only
father-and-daughter

advertising team in the country.

That calls for a drink.
Absolutely. Come on, Mark.

There, sweetheart. Now, you
go to sleep. I'll take your pony.

Oh, Mark!

Good night, sweetheart. Sleep
tight. Tomorrow's the big day.

- Tomorrow?
- Big day.

Coming, sweetheart? In a minute.

- Now, Tabatha, you have
to be good tomorrow...
- Yeah.

Because I can't stop them
from using you in the campaign...

Not when it means
so much to your daddy.

And I can't tell your
daddy about you,

because then he'd be afraid to
let them use you in the campaign.

No! Now, that's what I mean.
You're gonna have to be good.

Funny.

Oh, I know.

I know what a wonderful feeling
it is to be part of the magical life,

to have so much
at your fingertips.

But we're living in a world that
just isn't quite used to people like us,

and I'm afraid
they never will be.

So I'm going to have
to be very firm with you.

You're going to have to learn
when you can use your witchcraft...

and when you can't.

Now, your wonderful daddy
wants us to be just plain people,

so you're gonna have to stop wiggling
your fingers whenever you want anythi...

[Gasps] Tabatha!

You twitched your
nose! Just like Mommy!

Oh, you are your
mother's daughter, all right.

Oh, how charming.

When every other mother in
the world is telling her child,

"Mustn't touch,"

you'll be saying, "Mustn't
twitch." Mother, cut that out!

Oh, we must tell Darwin.

Let's go in and watch him fall
on the floor in an emotional heap.

No, Mother, I will tell him myself,
and it's going to be hard enough...

without you adding your
gloating little zingers.

Bye-bye, Mother. Oh, you sure
know how to take the fun out of things.

I must have learned it from you.

Phew!

Well, Tabatha, wish me luck.

This is going to be
the hardest little speech

ever delivered in the
history of a marriage.

[Baby Talk]

Let me see.

"Darrin, Tabatha is a witch."

No. No, that's too abrupt.

Let's see. How about,

"Darrin, I have
something to tell you...

that I don't think will
exactly be a thrill"?

No. That's too chicken.

Maybe I can write him a note.

No. I'll tell him first
thing in the morning.

So, you see, Darrin,
it's really nothing.

All it amounts to is
that Tabatha is a witch.

[Giggles]

[Sighs]

[Yawning] Oh.

Darrin?

Oh...

Darrin!

[Gasps]

"Dear Sam, Tabatha and I have
gone to the photographer's studio.

We wanted to let you sleep. Don't worry,
everything will be fine. Love, Darrin."

Ooh, disaster time!

Photographer's studio.

All right, gentlemen, I'm in
the mood now. So are we.

Hi, Darrin, Larry,
Mr. Robbins. Sam.

Oh, boy, am I glad I got here. Tabatha's
just about to go in front of the camera.

Oh, well, I'll go with her.
She'll need her mommy.

Eh-eh-eh. Diego
Fenman works alone.

Samantha, this is Diego
Fenman, the master photographer.

The Michelangelo
of the portrait world.

An artist in the truest sense of the
word. A Rembrandt if ever there...

Oh, my, I'm glad to meet
you, Mr. Fenman. Thank you.

- Uh, wouldn't you like me
to go in there with you?
- Oh, no.

An audience tends to
freeze my creative flow.

Um... Mustn't freeze his flow.

Darrin, do something.
About what?

Sam, I assure you that Diego
Fenman is an expert at handling children.

Oh, but Tabatha's different. Mrs. Stephens,
you'll be very pleased with the results.

Diego works magic with a camera.

Yes, but so does... Works
magic with a camera, huh?

[Chuckles] That's nice.

See that nice bearsy there?

All right now, Tabatha, you
make cutesy for Uncle Diego.

Watch the pretty pony.

Uncle Diego ought to lay off the funny
water when he's gotta work the next day.

Watch the pony!

I knew I had problems, but wait
till my analyst hears about this!

How long are they gonna
be in there? Honey, relax.

Diego's very thorough, Mrs. Stephens.
Why, the man's very nearly a genius.

He just wants to get
a perfect pose for the

ad campaign, Sam.
I'm sure Tabatha's fine.

All right, now. Make cutesy...
Cutesy for Uncle Diego.

There we go.

Diego's going flipsy again.

The whole brain is falling
right out the back of the head.

I've gotta peek. [Laughing]
Honey, go ahead.

Anxious mothers.

I can stand it no
longer. [Moaning]

Tabatha, come on. Up.

What happened?
You wouldn't believe it.

My analyst will not
believe it, but I believe it.

I've seen it! I mean, I
saw it with my own eyes.

Diego, did you get any pictures?

I got all kinds of pictures. I got
floating stuffed octopus pictures...

and bouncy rubber
ball pictures and...

She did it. She's the one who
did it to me. Oh, take her away!

Put her away!

That is one nutty baby!

Wait a minute! Are you trying to blame this
silly display of emotion on my daughter?

A helpless one-year-old? You
ought to be ashamed of yourself!

I ought to be ashamed?
She ought to be ashamed!

You talk to her. You
do something with her.

I've tried everything... my
charm, my exuberant personality.

I even used my pretty
picture of a pretty pony.

That pretty picture has
amused every single child...

I have ever worked
with except her!

Oh, I tell you,
she did this to me!

Funny.

Come on, Sam. I don't have much
patience with a person who abuses babies.

Or with babies who
abuse photographers.

Now, mustn't twitch!

- Please!
- Honey!

[Sighs]

Wow, Mr. Fenman sure took a lot
of pictures. I didn't think he had time.

You should have heard Larry and
Mark. They really flipped over the results.

This is the one we're going to
use to launch the ad campaign.

Oh, Darrin, isn't that cute?

You can say what you
want about Diego Fenman.

He still is pretty close
to being a genius.

What do you mean?
Well, look at this.

This is the most amazing
trick photography I've ever seen.

Do you see any wires? No.

No, I can't say that I do.

Anybody would think that that toy
octopus was actually suspended in midair.

Hmm. Certainly would.

Now, aren't you glad you
let him take the pictures?

You were just worrying
for nothing. Yes, darling.

You have a beautiful,
wonderful daughter,

and I hope she grows up
to be just like you. [Giggles]

Something tells me
you're gonna get your wish.