Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 36 - What Every Young Man Should Know - full transcript

Samantha!

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

I... I didn't expect you home so early.

That's pretty obvious.
Is this the kind of thing that goes on...

- behind my back all the time?
- No. Now, Darrin...

I broke that vase,
and it's a present...

from your Uncle Albert.
So I thought...

You thought you'd just
ring-a-ding-ding your nose...

and put everything
together again.

Sam, you're getting to be
more witch than wife.

You knew I was a witch
when you married me.



No, I didn't. You didn't tell me until our
wedding night, if you'll remember.

- Darrin.
- What?

I wonder about that sometimes.

If I had told you I was a witch,
would you have still married me?

Well, yeah. Sure, yeah, of course.

Thank you.
That's very broad-minded of you.

- Come on, Sam. I said I would, didn't I?
- Not very convincingly.

How can anyone be sure
of a thing like that?

I am reasonably certain.

I mean, I'm practically positive.
Yes, I would.

Okay?

Okay.

Well, I'm going to go upstairs
and say hello to the baby.

You do that.



Yeah.

Well, that was sweet and tender.

- Hi, Mother.
- There is a way to find out...

whether he would've
married you or not.

You'd like to know whether
he would've proposed to you...

if you told him you were a witch.

I can put you back in the past
so you can find out.

Oh, no, Mother.
Darrin's angry enough.

- I wouldn't want to upset him any more.
- He won't be.

He'll go back in time, and when he
returns, he'll never remember a thing.

Now, Mother,
this is between Darrin and me.

So will you please
change the subject?

Why, of course, dear.

You know, the weather is very lovely
on the Riviera this season.

You owe yourself a trip, Samantha.

Mother, you don't believe Darrin
would've proposed to me, right?

And there's such an interesting group
of people there.

There's a young,
divine Italian director...

and there's that crazy
French novelist...

- Mother.
- No, I don't think...

whatchamacallit
would've married you.

Well, you're wrong.

There always will be a doubt,
won't there?

I suppose so.

And when you look across
the breakfast table at him...

you'll wonder
what would've happened if...

Oh, let me send you back, Samantha.

Well, all right, Mother. You win.

Good. Now, sometime in the past...

you're going to tell him
you're a witch.

When do you think
that would've been?

Well, there was the time
I went to cook dinner in his apartment.

I almost told him then,
before he proposed.

Well, that sounds very, very good.

- Now, Mother, no nonsense.
- No, no, no.

When you go back to the past,
it'll be exactly as it would've been.

Now, then, come here.

Thunder, lightning, rain, hail

Backward, turn backward
Oh, time, in thy flight

Let her find out
What would happen that night

- Yes?
- Mr. Stephens?

Oh, yes, I am. How about that.

I'm your friendly cosmetic lady...

and we're introducing
a new kind of kiss-proof lipstick.

I'd like to leave you a sample.

Oh, well...

It's a marvellous product.
I'll take all you have.

You look beautiful.

You're just saying that
because you're handsome.

Well, here we are.

Yes, I guess I am.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

To you.

I'm sorry.

I... I meant for this evening
to be special...

but I didn't mean for it
to be that special.

Darrin, this is sort of
a special evening for me too.

You see, there's something
I have to tell you.

- Bet I can guess what it is.
- You couldn't possibly.

You forgot to bring the things for the
dinner you're gonna cook. Right?

No. No, you'll have your dinner.

I can whip up a dinner out of nothing.

Well, that's just what we've got
in my refrigerator. Nothing.

No, it's something about me
I really think you should know.

- I know all I need to know about you.
- I don't think so.

It's about my family.

We're...

different.

Samantha, I'm not interested
in your family. I'm interested in you.

I wouldn't care if they were shoplifters,
moonshiners or cattle rustlers.

If it were only that simple.

Darrin, I think you better sit down.

Okay.

You love me, don't you?

Been doing my best
to give you that impression.

Well, here goes.

Darrin, I'm a witch.

Well, nobody's perfect.

No, no, I'm serious.

I am a witch.

Well, what makes you say that?

No, I mean I am.

I'm a house-haunting,
cauldron-stirring, broom-riding witch.

I'll tell you what we're going to do.
I'll take you out to a nice restaurant.

We're going to have dinner,
and after dinner...

I'll take you to a very funny movie.
How'd you like that?

I told you we could have dinner here.

I think it might be a better idea
if we had dinner at a restaurant.

Well, if you don't believe me...

I guess I'll just have to prove it.

Careful, hot plate.

That is hot.

Well, if you don't like roast beef...

maybe you'd like a turkey dinner.

- You're a witch!
- Yes, Darrin.

I mean, you really are a witch.

Were you born that way?

Mother's a witch,
Father's a warlock.

- I see.
- Now that you know...

does it make any difference?

No. No, no, no. Of course not.
Why should it?

I mean, what's the difference?

Well, who cares
about a little thing like that?

Oh, Darrin.

Don't touch me!

Oh, how chicken!

Well, now you know.

Oh, boy, do I know.

- Oh, boy.
- Well, it's nice to be sure.

It clears up all your doubts.

Walking out on me,
from his own apartment.

- Coward!
- What?

- Oh, Darrin.
- What is this all about?

- Whatever it is, you're responsible.
- Oh, tish-tosh.

He doesn't remember.

You remember the night I came
to your apartment to cook dinner?

Well, of course I remember.

Well, this time I told you I was a witch
and you behaved very badly.

- I did?
- You ran out on me.

I...

Well, that's understandable.

Oh, yes, very understandable.
You see what I mean?

Well, I came back, didn't I?

Didn't I?

Well, I don't know.

We didn't go that far.

You didn't go that... That's not fair.
You didn't give me a chance.

That wasn't necessary.
Your attitude was obvious.

Narrow-minded, intolerant,
middle-class, superstitious...

All right, Mother. That will do.
Darrin's right.

- We didn't give him a chance.
- Oh, my poor baby.

Where did I go wrong?
Where did I fail you?

Now, cut that out.

Sam, I love you.

If this cuckoo experiment
is upsetting you...

I demand the right to go back
and prove myself.

That's only fair. Mother...

send us back. You sure?

I'm sure.

All right.

Thunder, lightning, hail, rain

Backward, turn backward
Oh, time, in thy flight

Both of them go back

And you'll see that I'm right

You're a red-blooded American boy,
and you're in love with a witch.

She's a beautiful witch,
and you're in love with her.

Darrin, here are my layouts
for the salad-oil campaign.

Just pour them on the desk, Larry.

Please, Darrin,
no jokes about the accounts.

- Sorry, Larry.
- Hey, wasn't your girlfriend...

- gonna cook dinner last night?
- How'd it go?

- Please, no jokes about my love life.
- Sorry, Darrin.

But she's beautiful. What do you care
if she can cook or not?

Oh, she can cook.
She can do anything.

Then what's the problem?

Larry, I had the shock of my life
last night. I've got to tell somebody.

- Yeah?
- Samantha is...

- No, you'd never believe me.
- Of course I'll believe you. Go on.

- You'd never believe me.
- I'll believe you.

- Tell me.
- You'd never believe me.

- Try me.
- She's a witch!

Darrin, take it from an old
married man. All women are witches.

If you love her, and she loves you,
what's the difference?

But she's a "witch" witch.
W-l-T-C-H.

Come off it, Darrin.
If you want a vacation...

- just ask for it!
- She's a witch!

If you keep on with
this fruitcake routine...

- you'll have a permanent vacation.
- If she were here...

she'd tell you she's a witch.

- Is that what you really want?
- It certainly is!

What is the matter with you?

Samantha, I'd like you
to meet my boss, Larry Tate.

Charmed.

I...

I mean, I'm... I'm enchanted.

How about bewitched, Mr. Tate?

I...

Well, I didn't mean to...

- No offence.
- None taken.

Samantha, thank you for popping in.

Oh, don't mention it.

And now I'll just disappear...

the way you did last night.

Tell me...

if an advertiser
were trying to decide...

between McMann & Tate
and another agency, could she...

make him choose us?

Certainly.

And if we drew up
a campaign for him...

could she influence him, so...

He'd be crazy about it.

How marvellous. Marvellous!

Well, now that I'm
no longer needed...

That girl is just what we need.

The trouble is, I love her.

The possibilities!
The possibilities.

Despite the possibilities,
gotta have that girl.

I want that girl on our team.

I'd love to team up with that girl.

I'll work out the details, and talk to you
later. Don't worry, you won't regret it.

I know, she's a wonderful girl.

Oh, fine, fine, fine.

You're a red-blooded American boy,
and you're in love with a witch.

Hello, Samantha. It's Darrin.
Don't hang up.

Honey, I've been miserable
without you.

I miss you. I wanna see you.
I wanna talk to you.

Samantha? Samantha...

Oh, honey, I love you.

And I love you.

I'm sorry I reacted the way I did.

No. Now, sweetheart, it was my fault.
I just didn't find the right way...

of telling you about me.
Maybe I shouldn't have.

No, no. You were right.
I had to find out sooner or later.

You see, not many of our people have
fallen in love with humans before...

and, well, I just didn't have
a precedent to go on.

You come with me.

- Samantha.
- Yes, Darrin?

You're the most important thing
that ever happened to me.

I'm glad.

I look into the future,
I can't even imagine it without you.

I feel the same way.

Well, I know I don't make
a great deal of money...

but I'm sure I'll be making
a lot more soon, and...

Darrin, is this a proposal?

It's supposed to be,
but will you help me?

- I've never done this before.
- Well, I have an idea.

What?

Why don't you just say,
"Will you marry me?"

That's it.

- Samantha.
- Yes, Darrin.

There's someone at the door.

Go ahead.

Okay.

- Good evening, Darrin.
- Larry.

Hello, Samantha.
I'm glad you're here.

- Larry...
- Bear with me for a moment.

I've got something wonderful
worked out for you two lovebirds.

Well, thank you...

I think this is gonna be
a marvellous marriage.

- We're gonna get along beautifully.
- We?

I've been giving this a lot of thought.
You know, we can't miss.

Samantha, the way you can
influence a client...

will make us the biggest agency
in the world.

- Now, just a minute.
- I know what you're thinking.

And don't worry. I'm going
to make Darrin a vice president...

- with a big increase in salary.
- I see.

That's why you told me you were
gonna be making more money.

No, Samantha.
I don't know anything about this.

Of course you do.
We discussed it in your office.

- When?
- After Samantha left.

We shook hands on it.

Well, I hope you two
will be very happy together.

Wait a minute.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy!

- Did you have a nice trip, darling?
- He would've used me.

You would've had me
putting spells on clients.

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- You and Larry Tate...

were ready to cash in
on my witchcraft.

- Does Larry know?
- Don't worry.

He won't remember any more
than you do.

- Good.
- Oh, Darrin, how could you?

- How could I what?
- Well, I trusted you.

I was ready to give up everything
for you.

Mother warned me about human men,
but I thought you were different.

I am. I mean, I was.
I mean, I would've been.

You! You are responsible for all this!

Everything was fine until you came
in here and stirred up the cauldron.

This is my house.
You're not welcome...

and I want you out of here
on the next broom.

Just a minute. That is my mother,
and you cannot talk to her that way.

It may be your mother,
but it's my mother-in-law...

and that makes her a horse
of a different colour.

Did I hear you correctly?
Did you call my mother a horse?

She's all mother-in-law
and a yard wide.

A yard wide?

How dare you!

Make that 2 yards.

Darrin, I never realized
how cruel and thoughtless...

and rude you could be.

I'm still pitching with a cold arm.
Wait till I get warmed up.

Be thankful I didn't meet her
before I proposed to you.

Oh, what a terrible thing to say.

What a terrible thing to say!

Well, now you know, darling.

He's showing his true colours.

Oh, boy, do I know. Oh, boy!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! You witches
think you're so different.

Well, you're acting
just like any ordinary...

run-of-the-mill,
human mother and daughter.

Oh, come on, Samantha.

Take the baby
and come home to Mother.

There's no reason to put up
with this any longer.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Samantha and the baby
are not leaving...

except over my unconscious body.

Well, what could be fairer than that?

Well, it's all for the best.

Well, he is my husband.

Well, let's not quibble
about technicalities.

Technicalities?
He's the father of your grandchild.

But you've already seen
that he never would've married you.

You've been pulling
that hanky-panky behind my back.

Now, Samantha, you know that I love
you. I always have loved you.

If you take me back,
I'll prove it to you.

- You're not afraid?
- Not a bit.

- Mother.
- What?

- Send us back.
- Send us back.

Oh, hemlock.

Thunder, lightning, hail, rain

Backward, turn backward
Oh, time, in thy flight

Again, send them back
And out of my sight

- Now, wait a minute!
- Yes?

I didn't have anything
to do with this idea.

No, I take the full credit for him.

But think what this would mean,
Samantha.

With the judicious use
of your powers...

you two could be
the wealthiest couple in the country.

You wouldn't be exactly
poverty-stricken yourself, would you?

I think I would be entitled to a modest
amount of fallout, shall we say...

for having had the inspiration.

Well, that's it. I've given you
the bare bones of the idea.

Of course,
we'll have to flesh it out a little.

Larry, take your bones
and get out of here.

- Out!
- What's the matter with you?

You sore I want a piece
of the action?

There won't be any action. Of all
the greedy, underhanded schemes...

that is the worst.

I won't let you or anybody else
take advantage of Sam!

I don't like your attitude.
Remember who signs your paychecks.

Not anymore you don't, buddy boy.
Find yourself another boy.

Now, you get out of here
before I throw you out!

How about that!

Oh, Darrin, you were wonderful.

Any success I make in the business
world, I'll make on my own.

I want you to promise that you won't
ever use that power of yours...

to help me in any way.

I'll do my best.

Now, where were we?

Ah, yes. Sit down.

I was just telling you how promising
my financial future was and...

Oh, boy.

We'll skip that part.

Now, what were you going to say
before we were interrupted?

We are not going to be
interrupted again.

I'm not going to let anybody
through that door.

Mother! How dare you
come crashing in here.

- He was about to propose.
- Forgive me, darling.

I thought he'd like
to meet your mother first.

- It's the acid test, you know.
- Oh, you're...

- Sam...
- Darrin...

- Dear, I'd like you to meet my mother.
- Mother?

Yes. This is my mother.

How do you do? Any mother
of Samantha's is a mother of...

Oh, he's so human.

That's out of the question.

Come on, Samantha.
I'm going to take you right home.

- May I say something?
- Must you?

I know this must come
as a great shock to you.

It must be just as difficult for you
to adjust to as it was for me.

Not difficult at all.

- Good.
- It's impossible.

Are you coming, Samantha?

Mother, I love him.

Why, he isn't even good-looking.

I think he's adorable.

Well, that settles that.

- He'll be back.
- Don't you help him.

I won't have to.

I don't care what you do to me...

you can't keep me away
from Samantha.

No?

Now, Mother, you stop that.

Oh, Samantha,
you're just a silly little child.

I won't stand by and see you
make a fool of yourself.

Okay, Mom, knock it off!

Mom? Oh, how disgusting!

You'll just have to get used to it.

Daughter or not, you can't talk
that way to the girl I'm going to marry.

- Darrin, is that a proposal?
- I've had enough interruptions!

Will you marry me, yes or no?!

Those are the sweetest words
I ever heard.

Will you answer me!

Oh, yes.

- I guess I made it, huh?
- You sure did.

Isn't that sickening?

Not to us, it isn't.

You both acted just like children.

Don't you think it's just
a little bit childish...

not to admit when you're wrong?

Don't be a bad sport, Mom.

Well, I am.

Mother, put that chair back!