Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 34 - Man's Best Friend - full transcript

Careful. My husband hasn't left yet.

I'm not gonna fall for that. I happen
to know you're crazy about me.

- It shows, huh?
- The feeling's mutual.

And that is one reason why we're
going to celebrate tomorrow night.

What's the other reason?

I was going to save this as a surprise
for you tomorrow night...

but I may as well
show it to you now.

A calendar.

Just what I've always wanted.

You haven't seen the best part yet.

A calendar with the days crossed off.
That's even better.



Honey, it's what those crosses
represent that counts.

Sam, you haven't done
any witchcraft for 29 days.

- You finally noticed.
- Yeah. I'm very proud of you.

We have another reason
for a celebration.

Not only have you not twitched
for 29 days...

but we haven't seen any of your
witchy friends in that time either.

- No offence.
- None taken.

I got a little head start on that
when Mother said...

she was gonna go skin diving
for a month.

Good. Now, all you have to do
is protect your record...

for good behaviour
for two more days.

I'll try and keep my nose clean.

I'll see you tonight.

Samantha, you're still a vision
of loveliness.



I don't know you.

What are you doing in my kitchen?

Don't fret, my dear. I have a feeling
we're gonna make a lovely couple.

I have a feeling
I'm gonna blow my record.

Just who are you?

My favourite food. Chocolate cake.

You haven't answered my question.

Well, actually, there's no reason
why you should recognize me.

When you used to sit with me,
I was a callow youth.

Brilliant, but callow.

Babysit with you.

Wait a minute.

You're not Rodney?

The same. I lost my callow.

You mean you're that pushy,
spoiled, neurotic brat...

my mother used to force me
to look after?

Knew you hadn't forgotten.

Fortunately, I matured
with my neuroses intact.

That's what makes me
so fascinating.

Now, look, Rodney...

I happen to be very busy.

So would you mind
telling me why you're here?

Well, even as an adolescent,
I loved you, Samantha.

- Oh, really...
- In a repressed way, of course.

Could I have a little more
chocolate cake?

Make it yourself.

That's mean and cruel of you,
Samantha. You're trying to hurt me.

Take your chocolate cake
and get out.

Good.

Why won't you come away with me?

If I tell you, will you leave?

- Perhaps.
- I think you're obnoxious.

Oh, one of those
love-hate things, huh?

That's okay. I'm crazy
about complex relationships.

Rodney, don't you understand?
I'm married.

I'm above convention.

And I have a baby.

No. That's out of the question.

We'll put her up for adoption.

Rodney, if you don't go away...

I'll tell your mother on you.

You don't know where she is.

- Do you?
- I'll tell her...

you've been misbehaving, Rodney.

Okay, have it your way.

We'll take the kid with us.

Rodney, I've had just about
all I can take.

Samantha, I love you.

I worship the air you fly in.

- I'll do anything for you.
- Anything?

Then leave.

Good.

Honey, we have a visitor.

- Who?
- Come and see.

I found him outside.
He just wouldn't leave.

Oh, Darrin, he's marvellous.

Oh, he's so cute.
I wonder who he belongs to?

Well, I don't know.

He doesn't have any tag or...

Look at that.

Looks like a case of love
at first sight between you two.

I guess we'll have to take out an ad
in the lost-and-found column.

- I guess so.
- You sound reluctant.

Honey, if nobody claims him,
would you mind if we kept him?

I thought you wanted to wait
till we got a bigger place...

- before we got a dog.
- Well, I did.

But I'm crazy about his personality.
Aren't you?

Well, he does have a great face.

And who could resist
those big, brown eyes?

Let's keep our fingers crossed
that nobody claims him.

How would you like to fix me a drink
while I go upstairs...

- and fiddle with my papers?
- What are wives for?

Thank you. Now, you stay right here
and get to know my wife.

You'll be crazy about her.

I just fixed that cake
for tomorrow night.

Rodney?

That's you, isn't it?

You get out of that fur coat
right this minute.

Now, just what are you doing here?

Oh, Samantha. My love for you
is not warped and selfish.

I wanted to get to know
your husband.

If I think he's worthy of you...

I'll leave by tomorrow morning.
Believe me.

If you don't leave right now...

- I'm going to tell Darrin who you are.
- No, you won't.

You don't want him to know there
were any non-mortals in the house.

That would spoil your record
and his celebration.

Hey, he's really crazy about me,
isn't he?

- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna hit you with this saucepan.

You come a step further,
I'll turn into a dog.

You wouldn't hit a dumb animal,
would you?

Oh, Rodney...

Sam, what are you doing?

You weren't gonna hit him,
were you?

He ate my chocolate cake.

Well, honey, don't be too hard on him.
He's probably hungry.

Look, I'll pick you up another cake
tomorrow at Perkin's Pastry Shop.

I'll bring it home from work.

I better clean this up.

Hi.

Hey, he sure is affectionate,
isn't he?

He fawns a little too much.

- Fawns?
- Yes. You know, all that licking...

- and grovelling.
- Well, honey, he's very friendly...

but I wouldn't call that grovelling,
would you?

He tries a little bit too hard
to please, that's all.

I brought your drink in, sweetheart.

- Thanks. I'll have it later.
- You don't like him.

Darrin, I hardly know him.

I just don't want you to get
too fond of him, that's all.

- Why not?
- Well...

I just don't want you to get
too attached to him.

I wouldn't want you
to be disappointed.

- Disappointed?
- In case his owner claims him, I mean.

Oh, honey, you're the greatest.

What is the matter with you?

Darrin, I don't think we should
be doing this in front of him.

The dog?

Well, he's looking at us
kind of funny.

What shall we drink to?

Well, that's easy.

To one month of normalcy.

- Sure means a lot to you, doesn't it?
- Yes, it does.

- And the first month is the hardest.
- Oh, boy.

Just remember,
it's all kind of psychological.

If you get past this one day,
it'll be a breeze.

Well, I'll try not to disappoint you.

- You take good care of him, honey.
- You can rely on it.

I phoned the ad in last night
and left my office number.

I hope nobody calls to claim him.

Well, thank you.

What did I do to deserve
such a big kiss?

Nothing.

Harriet Kravitz is spying on us
from across the street.

I thought we might as well
give her her money's worth.

I'll see you tonight, sweetheart.
Goodbye, dog.

Rodney.

Rodney!

Rodney.

I'm not leaving.
I've decided he's not worthy of you.

Rodney, when are you going to get
it through that pointed little head...

that we love each other?

Is that the only reason you have
for not leaving him for me?

Isn't that enough?
Coming, Tabatha.

But if you had a fight and you split up,
then you'd come with me.

For the last time,
we are not going to split up.

What makes you so sure?
I'm interested.

We have a marriage that's based
on mutual trust and respect.

If I proved that wasn't true,
then you'd come with me?

Rodney, I am going upstairs
to get Tabatha...

and if you're not gone
when I come back down here...

I'm going to do something
terrible to you.

And ruin your record?

Oh, I don't need witchcraft.

I'll punch you in the nose.

Just what I need.

Phase one of Operation Split-Up
coming up.

Oh, I'm Harriet Kravitz
from across the street.

Hi, honey.

I found this in the kitchen.

I guess Gladys borrowed it
from Mrs. Stephens.

I'll take it. Sam's slipping into
something more comfortable.

We're gonna have
a little snort together.

Are you a friend of Mr. Stephens?

Well, more a friend of Sam's.

Listen, honey, I'd love to gab...

but I'm kind of busy right now.
Know what I mean?

- Bye.
- Bye.

Mutual trust indeed.

Phase two of Operation Split-Up
coming up.

Rodney.

Rodney?

Well, Tabatha,
looks like our home-wrecking friend...

finally got the message
and gave up, huh?

Are you sure it's the same dog,
Mr. Entwhistle?

The description in the ad
sounded just like him.

He's very friendly and...

Oh, yes, he...
He loves chocolate cake.

That's him all right.

You sound disappointed.

Well, I've grown very fond
of that dog.

Truthfully, I was hoping nobody would
claim him so that we could keep him.

Well, perhaps
that might be arranged.

Yes. My sister and I
are moving to London soon.

I'd hate to lose him, but it would be
difficult to take him with us.

- Would you be willing to sell him?
- Well, look...

I'm meeting my sister
at 7 for dinner.

Let me talk it over with her, and I'll
drop by your house later tonight...

- and tell you our decision.
- Good.

I hope you can convince her.

That dog is really something special,
Mr. Entwhistle.

Yes. Well, you're very perceptive,
Mr. Stephens.

It's the strangest thing.

I suddenly had this terrific craving
for chocolate ?clairs.

I mean, I just had to have
a chocolate ?clair. Isn't that odd?

I think that happens to all of us
at sometime or another, Ms. Kravitz.

I suppose Mrs. Stephens
asked you to stop by...

and pick up something
for your company.

- Company?
- I met him quite by accident.

Unfortunately,
I called at a very bad time.

He was still in his robe and pyjamas
when he answered the door.

He said they were just having
a snort together.

- Is he a friend of yours, Mr. Stephens?
- I don't know.

I suppose someone dropped in,
and Sam hasn't had time to tell me.

Well, I must say your faith in your
wife is very touching, Mr. Stephens.

Miss Kravitz.

Aren't you going to buy
some ?clairs?

?clairs?

I hate ?clairs.

In fact, I don't even know why
I came in here.

Hi, there.

Oh, no.

Now, listen, Rodney...

no more Mrs. Nice Guy.

When Darrin comes home,
I'm gonna tell him exactly who you are.

And I'm warning you,
he can be very violent.

No, you don't wanna spoil your record
when you're so close.

Besides, you have my solemn oath...

that if you are still together
by 9:00 tonight...

I'll fly out of your lives forever.

Still together?

Did you put a spell on Darrin?

Oh, Samantha, you know
my powers are too meagre...

to cause a rift between you two
by witchcraft.

I just wanna be around you for another
45 minutes. That's all, Samantha.

Is that too much to ask?

Honey, open the door.
I've got my hands full.

My master's voice.

Just a minute, sweetheart.

Thank you.

Hey, it's nice to have someone like
you welcome me when I get home.

Nice to have someone like you
welcome me.

Not necessarily in that order,
I hope.

No. I just think you look sensational.

- I brought dessert.
- Thank you.

Dinner should be ready
in a little while.

Good.

Just the two of us?

Well, this was our celebration.
Didn't you wanna be alone?

Oh, sure. It's just that sometimes
friends drop in unexpectedly, that's all.

No. No, no friends.

You want a snort? Drink?

Love one.

So you've just been puttering around
the house on your own, huh?

Darrin, I think there's something
I should tell you.

I thought so.

You've just mixed 4 ounces of Scotch
with 2 ounces of gin.

- Is that all?
- No.

When you wanna find out
something from me, just ask.

Not very subtle, huh?

Okay. I bumped into
Harriet Kravitz today...

and she said that you
and a man in a dressing gown...

were having a snort together.

Well, that's ridiculous.

- Then it's not true?
- No.

Then why would she say it?

I don't know.

Honey, don't misunderstand me.
I trust you implicitly.

It's just that I do get
a bit confused.

Now, are you sure that there wasn't
a man here today...

in his pyjamas and robe?

Darrin, that isn't exactly the kind
of thing that would slip my mind.

Did she say she actually saw us?

She said the man answered the door,
and he said...

What is it?

Well, Darrin,
I wasn't gonna tell you this.

And I don't think
you're gonna like it, but...

Honey, I'm sure there's
a perfectly logical explanation.

Now, who was he?

Him.

The dog?

In pyjamas and robe?

Okay, very funny.
Now, who was he?

No. Darrin, it was the dog.

I didn't wanna tell you, because
I didn't wanna spoil our celebration.

Actually, he's a warlock
I used to babysit with.

- The dog?
- He came to see me yesterday morning.

I know it sounds ridiculous,
but he thinks he's in love with me.

The dog?

Darrin, I'm trying to tell you
that that is not a dog.

He just posed as a lost dog.

That's why I didn't want you
to send that ad in...

because I knew
nobody would claim him.

Because he's a warlock?

Darrin, I'm telling the truth.

Look, I'll prove it.

All right, Rodney, he knows.

Change back.

Oh, he's just being stubborn.

Stop playing games, Rodney.

Turn back.

He knows I won't use
any witchcraft on him.

Rodney, if you don't turn back
right this minute...

- I'll hit you with my shoe.
- Sam, you'll scare him.

Right out of his hide, I hope.

Sam, don't you think it would
be easier just to tell the truth?

Darrin, don't you believe me?

No, I don't. I happen to know
that dog is not a warlock.

- How?
- Because his owner...

came to my office this afternoon.

- What?
- And he's a very nice young man.

He may even sell me this dog.

Oh, Darrin, don't you see?

- That's Rodney too.
- Yes, I do see.

You want me to believe that this poor,
helpless animal is your friend...

a dog and his owner,
all at the same time.

Well, Darrin,
Rodney's very devious.

Sam, aren't you being unfair?

- Unfair?
- You're trying to put the blame...

on this dog
because you don't like him.

Don't deny it.
You never did like him.

You even said that he fawned.

- You don't trust me.
- Yes, I do trust you.

I just resent your trying to blame
this poor, innocent animal.

Now, will you please
tell me the truth?

I'm not going to tell you anything.

I don't even wanna speak to you.

Well, in that case, I'm going to bed.

I don't care what you do.

In the den. Come on, fella.

Bed? It's only 8:30.

Imagine her trying to put the blame
on a poor dog like you.

Well, looks like I need
an extra blanket.

I'll go get it.
You just make yourself comfortable.

Boy, am I beat.

I'm gonna fall asleep just as soon
as my head hits that pillow.

Good night, dog.

- I got you!
- No, don't hit me.

Samantha! Don't hit me.
Samantha!

Well, well. What do you think
of man's best friend now?

Never mind what he thinks of me.

- What about what he thinks of you?
- Stay out of this.

You said your marriage was based
on mutual trust and respect.

I proved you were wrong. He didn't
believe you were telling the truth.

Yes, I did.

- You did?
- Yes.

Just once, I wanted to win out over
witchcraft without any help from you.

Besides, I didn't want you
to spoil your record.

- He's lying.
- That's why I went to bed at 8:30.

You don't know how happy I am
to hear you say that.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Pardon me. Does this mean
that you're not coming away with me?

Sam, will you excuse me
for just a minute?

- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna punch you in the nose.

How long is he going
to stay this way?

It's just one of his old tricks.

He knows you won't hit
a dumb animal.

I'm going to call the pound.

That won't work.

Mr. Stephens? I saw your ad.

I've come to claim my dog.

Well, I think there must be
some mistake.

Oh, no mistake.

I recognized the description.

There he is.

Now, Rodney,
you come out of there.

- Rodney?
- This is Rodney's mother, darling.

You may not remember me.
I'm Samantha.

Samantha?

My, how you've changed.

Oh, he's lonely, you know?

He's always looking for a playmate.

- So I gather.
- He's not really bad.

He's just mischievous.

How are you gonna get him
to change back?

Oh, that's easy.

Rodney, if you don't change back...

I'll give you a flea-and-tick bath.

Come on, Rodney,
it's way past your bedtime.

Goodbye, my love. I shall return.

- Oh, no, you won't.
- Don't bother to show us out.

Goodbye, now.

Would've loved to have seen
that tick-and-flea bath.

Well, you still think I'm entitled
to a celebration?

You didn't use witchcraft.

Well, with him gone,
we really have something to celebrate.

I'll drink to that.

Sam, water.

Oh, Sam.

- What?
- You broke your record.

Well, there's always next month.