Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 33 - Divided He Falls - full transcript

My, you look fetching.

Oh, hello, Mother.
Do you like it? It's new.

Divine.

It's a bit chic for the suburbs though,
isn't it?

Darrin and I are going
to a dinner dance...

at the country club
with the Tates tonight.

- What brings you here?
- No particular reason.

You're going to a dinner,
I thought I might help.

- Help?
- You have four mice...

and a pumpkin around?

I have already met
my Prince Charming.



Oh, there he is now. Mother...

Some Prince Charming.

I'm afraid you and I see him
two different ways, Mother.

That's true. I don't know why
you can't see him as he really is.

Like this:

- Mother.
- But you persist seeing him like this:

You're wrong on both counts.
I see him as he really is.

Like this:

Good.

I knew you'd leave him some day.

- Leave who?
- Your husband.

See how easy it was?
You've forgotten already.

Mother, I'm not leaving Darrin.
We're going to Florida together.

Again?



Darrin has the week off.
His parents picked up Tabatha.

They're going to look after her.
This time tomorrow...

- we'll be sunning ourselves...
- Oh, yes.

If my memory serves me,
you've postponed...

that beautiful fantasy six times.

What makes you think
this is the lucky seven?

He gave me his word.

Nothing short of a catastrophe
can delay us now.

Darrin, you're just the man who
can help us avoid a catastrophe.

Larry, I was just on my way out.

Darrin, this is Sanford Stern
of Stern Chemicals...

in from Pittsburgh.
Darrin Stephens.

- A pleasure.
- I'd like to chat...

- but I have a plane to catch.
- Jim was just taken...

- to the hospital with appendicitis.
- Send him candy in my name.

I'll write him a card from Miami.

Darrin, it's painful for me
to have to tell you this.

Then for Pete's sake, don't do it.
Just don't do it.

- You'll have to cancel your plans.
- You had to do it.

I'm afraid I'm the villain, Mr. Stephens.
But my hands are tied.

I have a TV deadline
for my commercials.

I know how hard you've been working.
If anybody deserved a vacation...

it's you. You've given service
above and beyond...

All right, all right. All right, Larry,
I can't bear having a grown man cry.

- I wasn't going to cry.
- I meant me.

Thanks, old pal.
I'll leave you two together.

- You want me to call Samantha?
- No, I'll do it.

Just be nice to her
at her murder trial.

- What?
- After she's killed me.

Oh, thank you, darling.

I appreciate how you're taking this.

You sounded a little strained
over the phone.

I can't stay mad at you for long.
I've forgotten all about it.

Well, I have to get back to work.

That reminds me, I have some
unpacking to do. See you later.

I do hate to say "I told you so,"
Samantha.

Really? Since when?

Oh, cheer up, my sweet.
You haven't missed much.

It's not much fun going to Miami
with an old sobersides like Desmond.

You have the wrong idea
about Darrin.

You can only see one side of him.
I know he has another.

He can be witty and charming
and just full of fun.

Well...

It's a pity you can't take the fun side of
him and leave the work side at home.

You're a big help.

There's no sense
in feeling sorry for myself.

Darrin can't go, and that is that.

Except for the unpacking.

Sam! Samantha!

Fore!

- Is anything the matter?
- No. I'm three feet from the cup.

I hear those courses
in Miami are great.

- I can hardly wait to play them.
- Miami?

You didn't cancel the tickets,
did you?

No. No, not yet.
But you said we weren't going.

All systems are now go, go, go!

Fore!

Darrin, what about
the Stern Chemical account?

Didn't you say you had
more work to do on it?

Work? I never heard of it.

Why don't you let me
take you out of all this?

- What about Larry and Mr. Stern?
- Oh, let them get their own girls.

I thought you said they had
a deadline for those commercials.

You know, I've been thinking about
that for about the last 10 seconds.

- I've come up with the solution.
- You have?

Yeah. The heck with them.
Now, to more serious affairs.

Where's my suntan oil?

- Don't you think you...
- I'll tell you what I think.

I think you have the most incredible
green eyes I've ever seen.

We were talking about the account.

Answer the following questions
with "yes," "no" or "sometimes."

- Do we deserve a little fun out of life?
- Yeah.

Have I been promising you
this vacation for months?

- Yeah.
- Do you love me...

and will you follow me
wherever I go?

- Are we going to Miami?
- We are.

- You want to hear your score?
- I have to repack the stuff I unpacked.

I'll do that. You find my suntan oil.

- One more thing.
- What?

You have the most incredible
green eyes I've ever seen.

I know, I know.

Well...

Now, if I were a bottle
of suntan lotion, where would I be?

- Is this what you're looking for?
- Oh, thank you, Mother.

Now it's my turn to say
"I told you so."

I can hardly believe that Derrick
is anything but a sober stuffed shirt.

Mother, I am in love with a charming
man who loves fun and excitement.

Well, I just hope your husband
doesn't find out.

Honey, have you seen
my book on how to surf?

Yes. I think it's in the den.
See what I mean?

- You're not going in there.
- Why not?

Well, it isn't the proper place
for a book on surfing.

That's where he keeps
all his books.

I'll only be a minute, honey.
As soon as I find...

Darrin?

Darrin, what are you doing in here?

Darrin.

Samantha, please,
I was trying to concentrate.

What are you concentrating on?

The Stern Chemical account.

Jim DeWitt got sick,
and Larry asked me if I wouldn't take...

- Haven't I been through this before?
- Yes, you certainly have.

Why am I going through it again?

Darrin, you just went upstairs
to pack.

I did? What gave you that idea?

I got the idea when you said,
"I'm going up to pack."

Samantha, this is no time
to play games.

The agency is relying on me
to come up with an effective campaign.

- I only have three weeks...
- Just a minute.

Have you been here
ever since I was here?

Of course.

Then you...

Your...

brother.

What did you call me?

Do you feel any different?

Different than what?

Never mind. You just go ahead
and finish your work.

I'll take care of my mother.
The meddler!

Mother, I want to talk to you.

Did you find the book
you were looking for, darling?

No. But I found something else.

- What's that?
- My husband.

- Oh, darling, you can't win them all.
- At least one of my husbands.

The other one is upstairs.
Now, admit it, Mother.

You divided Darrin.

Oh, don't be so upset, Samantha.
I did it in your best interests.

Darrin will be furious.

I admit that made it irresistible.

I only want one Darrin.

I know exactly what you mean.

It's humiliating to look as if
you've made the same mistake twice.

Samantha?

Samantha, who is that singing?

The radio upstairs.

It is very distracting
when you are trying to concentrate.

I have a great deal of work
to do, you know.

- I'll turn it off.
- Thank you.

Nice voice, though.

- Mother!
- Oh, come on, Samantha.

I just wanted to see if you were right
about David's two personalities.

You were.

Good.

Now, how about putting
him back together?

Oh, very well.

But really, what's the harm?

If he works as hard
as you say he does...

at least half of him
deserves a rest.

That's very peculiar logic.

Well, that's because it's so sensible.

Well?

Well...

Sam, I can't find
my swimming trunks!

It isn't as if you won't be
with your husband.

You'll simply have
the fun side of him.

In your closet, bottom shelf.

Listen to him.
He's actually enjoying himself.

He does sound happy.

Well, half a rest
is better than none.

I suppose.

- Will you take him?
- Now, Mother, I haven't said that yet.

How am I going to explain this
to the Darrin in the den?

Well, it's all very simple.
Tell him you're coming with me.

Well, now, Mother,
he'd never agree to that.

Well, why don't you try it?

I think it's a wonderful idea.

Just because I'm chained
to my desk...

doesn't mean you have to stay
and be my warden.

Besides, it'll give you a chance to rest
and me a chance to work.

You go with your mother
and have a good time.

Mother, he told me to go
and have a good time.

Do you think what
we're doing is right?

Absolutely. What can happen?

Hi, Endora.
My, you look ravishing tonight.

I like him better this way.

Come on, we're wasting all that
sunshine. Let's live it up a little.

- Boy, are you happy.
- And why not?

You're looking at a man with only
one responsibility in the world.

- What's that?
- To have fun, fun, fun!

The main objective
of the campaign will be...

to acquaint the average person
with the significance of chemicals...

and particularly Stern Chemicals,
upon his everyday life.

That's excellent, Darrin.
First-rate.

I'm sure you'll find it satisfactory
once you've heard the rest of my ideas.

I like it now.

Look, we've been at this
for 16 hours now.

I suggest we celebrate our progress
by going out to dinner.

Hear, hear.

Well, we do have
a lot more work to do.

I think we should call it a day.

Look, I don't get
to the big city very often.

What do you say we cut loose
and have some fun?

That reminds me.

I've written a small booklet entitled
Let's Have Fun With Chemicals.

Darrin, Mr. Stern is hungry.

Well, I suppose we could
have something sent in.

Now, here I've outlined how
we'll acquaint the general public...

with your actual products.

Darrin, you don't have to
knock yourself out like this.

You've already got the contract.

I know that, Mr. Stern.

But we do have the responsibility of
coming up with an effective campaign.

- Darrin, Mr. Stern was making a joke.
- All right.

Just a figure of speech.

Oh, yes.

That leads me to another
phase of the campaign.

I believe that you should take a look
at these market research figures.

He's certainly a hard worker,
isn't he?

Yeah.

But doesn't he ever
get any fun out of life?

Thank you.

Now, this is going to be fun.

Now, everybody, all together.
The last line. Go!

Isn't that terrible?

Oh, he's so witty and charming.
Isn't he funny?

He's a laugh a minute.

Come on, Sam, let's Watusi.

I'll sit this one out,
if you don't mind.

- You're not gonna poop out on me?
- You're a little hard to keep up with.

Yeah, I know. I'm having a ball.

Hi, Joe!

He's a real fun guy, Joe.
They're all fun people.

- Sure you don't want to dance?
- No, thanks.

I'll call home in a minute
and find out how your mother...

- is making out with Tabatha.
- Who?

- Tabatha, your daughter.
- I'm sure she's fine.

- Hi, Francie.
- Hi, Darrin.

- She's got a great personality.
- I'm a little worried about her.

- Francie?
- Tabatha.

Honey, I like Tabatha too, but you
can't let your children run your life.

Don't worry. Give you wrinkles.

I'm sure your mother and father
are taking good care of her.

But after all,
we do have a responsibility.

Honey, honey, honey.
Only one responsibility:

Fun, fun, fun.

Hey, look,
Joe is going off the board.

Great dive, Joe!

- Excuse me a minute.
- Darrin...

Fun, fun, fun.

Hey, watch this everybody!

Darrin.

Darrin, you can't swim!

Front flip into the pool
and back again?

Thank you, my friends.
It was really nothing.

Now I have an announcement to make.
It's party time!

Everyone, to our room for a party!

I feel guilty. I should be back
at the office working.

Darrin, will you relax? You've been
like a one-man factory all day.

That is another angle to consider. We
should make a film about the factory.

Show the folks at home some
of the research you're doing...

in a fun sort of way, of course.

Isn't there some kind of button
you can push that'll turn him off?

Drink up, Darrin.
And forget about chemistry, huh?

You can't really forget
about chemistry.

It's in the air we breathe. This salt
and pepper shaker, ashtray, table.

- Fascinating.
- Yes, it is.

That's why I believe
this campaign will work.

First of all, we show the public
the phenomenon...

and then we interest
them in your product.

You know, after dinner, I'd like
to go to a couple of nightclubs.

Great.

They have a marvellous new
chorus line at the Purple Popsicle.

Oh, they also have a new comic.
Funny. Very different.

Sort of low pressure.

That's exactly my point.

- What?
- A low-pressure campaign.

While we're waiting for our food, why
don't I show you more ideas I have?

Darrin, you're kidding.

I doubt it. He's not the kind
of a man that kids very much.

I don't get it. Usually he has
a great sense of humour.

Sure, a barrel of laughs.

No, really.
You've only seen one side of him.

Well, I hope he finds
the other side soon.

- It's a great party, huh?
- Yeah.

Hey, honey,
we're all out of champagne.

Well, we'll order another magnum.
Better still, a "magni."

That's two magnums.
You just leave it to old Dar.

Darrin, at the risk of sounding like
a nagging wife, can we afford all this?

- Well, we'll just dip into our savings.
- We can't do that.

Hey, you're right.
I got a better idea.

Why don't you twitch your nose
and whap up some champagne?

You want me to use witchcraft?

Why not? I mean, it'll be crazy.
The gang will love it.

They'll be crazy about it.
They'll get a big kick out of it.

But, Darrin,
you can't tell them I'm a witch.

Why not?
They'll love it, love it, love it!

- Darrin!
- I'll quiet them down while you do it.

- Darrin!
- Hey.

Hey, gang! Hey, folks!

Where did everyone go?

Back to their rooms.

But, honey,
we were having such fun.

Darrin, we have something
to tell you.

- "We"?
- Yes.

Mother?

My, looks like quite a party.

- Hi, Endora. Great to see you, baby.
- Oh, thank you.

Mother, I want the man
I married back.

But he's charming this way.

Yes, charming, witty
and totally irresponsible.

But this is his best side.
Don't you like him this way?

Well, I like ice cream,
but I don't want to eat it all the time.

- Girls, you just lost me.
- Yes, we certainly did.

Darrin, will you please sit down?
Please?

Now, I know this may be...

I realize this may be rather hard
for you to understand...

but only part of you is here...

the fun side.

Without a care in the world.

I love her sense of humour.

The other half is at home.

Okay, I'll bite. What's he doing?

Well, I hate to think.
But I'd better find out.

Thought she'd never leave.

So much for the TV campaign.

Now, let me tell you what I had
in mind for the radio spots.

This boy reminds me of Horatio Alger.
A boring Horatio Alger.

- Darrin.
- Sam.

- This is Sanford Stern.
- Samantha, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be in Miami.

Yes. Do you mind if I borrow
my husband for a moment?

- Oh, please do.
- Oh, please do.

- We have to be going anyway, right?
- Yes, we've monopolized your time.

But... But...

We were right in the middle
of a business discussion.

Aren't you glad to see me?

Of course I am,
but not when I'm talking business.

I have to get them back.
Hey, wait a minute.

- Where am I?
- You're in Miami.

Who is he?

That's not "he," that's you.

What are you doing here
with my wife?

I knew we shouldn't
have invited him.

We were having a cool time
until he showed up.

I thought you were going
with your mother.

She came with me.

Look, you've got some explaining
to do, buster.

Who do you think you are?

Boys, boys.

Will you please tell me who this is?

Really, you are dense.

It's very simple.
This is your other half.

- Other half?
- Pleased to meet you.

Will you please get to the point?
I've got about a ton of work to do.

Darrin, this is the point.
We thought you needed a rest...

so we thought we'd take
your fun side on vacation.

- Fun side?
- Hi, work side.

Will you stop grinning
at me like an idiot.

I don't think there's anything funny
about this at all.

Absolutely no sense of humour.

Mother, will you hurry
and put them back together?

It'd help if they
liked each other a bit.

- Never happen.
- Mother.

Well, separating them
was easier, you know.

But putting them back together
may be more difficult.

Will you stop talking
about me as if I were...

some do-it-yourself kit?

- What a grouch.
- There is a way to get them back.

- But I'm not sure they'd like it.
- What's that?

They both stand at opposite ends of
the room and then run into each other.

- Sounds like fun.
- Are you out of your mind?

Now, there's no need to be rude
to Darrin, Darrin.

After all, he's my husband too.

I'm not even sure that's legal.

Sam, I've had enough
of this nonsense...

Darrin, you want to get
back to work, right?

I certainly do.

And you want to go back
to the party, right?

Crazy.

Okay.

First one out the door
gets his wish.

Is he back together again?

Yes, dear.

Oh, Darrin. Darrin, speak to me.

Oh, I'm mad about that outfit.

Sam?

- It's nice to see you, sweetheart.
- Oh, Mother, he's back to normal.

That, my gal, is a matter of opinion.

Well, it was an interesting experiment.
At least you had a vacation out of it.

Some vacation.
At least I learned an important lesson.

I can't stand Darrin's work side.

And I can't stand his fun side either.

Stars and comets.
You've finally seen the light.

It's the whole Darrin I love.

I've never heard such blatant,
sticky sentimentality in my whole life.

I never want him to be anyone else.

I think I'll leave before I get sick.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi.

My, it's nice to have you back.
All of you.

- You've got all of me for three weeks.
- How?

Larry was so pleased with my work
on the Stern account...

- he gave me a vacation.
- Larry is right.

- You deserve a vacation.
- The word he used was "needed."

Anyway, I know where
I want to spend it.

- Where?
- Right here. Just the four of us.

The four of us?

You, Tabatha, my fun side
and my work side.

That's the best vacation
I ever heard of.