Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 1, Episode 8 - Witch or Wife - full transcript

Enough is enough. It's about time
I paid some attention to you.

Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm practicing my button-sewing.

Getting pretty good too, see?

It's marvellous, but the workaday
world is over. Friday night.

- Time for excitement and romance.
- Oh, marvellous. Where are we going?

We're not going anywhere.

Excitement, romance. That goes with
black tie, champagne and dancing.

- We don't have to get that excited.
- Oh, I see. No champagne or dancing?

- You can wear my black tie if you like.
- Oh, thank you, darling.

I love you with all my heart.

But nothing is going to get me to put
my shoes back on, let alone a black tie.



Oh, I just thought we'd
sit around here together...

just the two of us, you know.

Oh, grab that, will you, honey?

Oh, sure.

Hello.

Yes, it is.

Yes, he is. Just a minute please.
Darrin, it's for you.

Thank you, honey.
Hello.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Well, you are an
eager beaver, aren't you.

Oh, tonight would be fine.

Well, I'm looking forward
to meeting you too.

Yes, goodbye.



- Who was that?
- An admirer.

- An admirer of what?
- Of me. I'm to be interviewed...

as the prototype for the successful
young advertising executive.

Really, Darrin? For newspapers
and magazines, television...

- something like that?
- Something like that.

- Which one?
- A paper.

- Which one?
- A local paper.

- Which one?
- Local school paper.

Oh, which one?

A local junior college paper by a
local junior college journalism student.

- Well, I think that's very nice.
- Well it's a start anyway.

- No telling where I'll go from there.
- Well, I'm very proud of you.

- Was that his mother who called?
- No, that was her.

- Her?
- Sorry, she.

Oh, well, how did her...?
She pick on you?

Saw my picture in the neighbourhood
paper when we moved in.

Oh, yes, that was
a wonderful picture.

You looked sort of fearless
and sexy as I recall.

Somehow that photographer
caught me, didn't he?

- Where are you going?
- To put a tie on.

- It doesn't look nice like this.
- Oh, I see.

Sam, will you fix some cold drinks,
sandwiches, things like that?

Why don't you just give me a quarter
and I'll go to the movies?

I can't tell you how much I appreciate
you letting me come over tonight.

You're the most important
term project I've got.

- Well, I'm flattered.
- It's really fascinating...

- how much you look like your picture.
- Oh, yes.

Somehow that photographer caught...

Yes, thank you.

- Can we offer you something?
- Please don't go to any bother.

Oh, it's no bother.

It's no bother.
I have sandwiches all ready.

You're very sweet, and I'll try not
to keep your husband for too long.

Oh, well, I appreciate that.

You know, I think creative
advertising is among...

the more fascinating
avocations in the world today.

Yes, I suppose it is.

I never expected that anyone who was
so successful in that field would be...

well, as young as you,
Mr. Stephens.

Well, I'm not that young,
Ms. Randall, although...

most men in my position
are a bit older, I guess.

Baloney.

And there's corned beef
and liverwurst...

and some of that wonderful
smelly cheese too.

My husband's simply crazy
about that.

No, thank you, but I would like
a little something to cool me off.

Yes, of course.

One thing I'm dying to know
is where you got that idea...

for that wonderful
Caldwell's Soup campaign.

"The only thing that will ever come
between us." It's an inspired slogan.

Well, how did you know
that was mine?

I've made quite a study
of you, Mr. Stephens.

Well, I am flattered, Ms. Randall.

Please call me Liza.

- Very well, Liza.
- And I'll call you Darrin.

That is if Mrs. Stephens
doesn't mind.

Oh, no, of course not.

He's been called worse than that.

My wife has
a great sense of humour.

We practically never stop
laughing around here.

I suppose you find it difficult
to accomplish anything at home.

What do you mean by that?

- She means business, dear.
- Oh, well...

I guess we'd better
just stop laughing...

so you can get down
to some serious work.

You see what I mean? Actually I do
find the office more conducive, yes.

I thought so. And as long as we have
a date to go down there tomorrow...

I won't have to keep you
any longer tonight.

- Tomorrow?
- Well, when Liza... Ms. Randall...

called me about the interview
I suggested she come to the office...

on Saturdays, when it's quiet,
so I can show her around. You see?

Oh, yes, I see.

Liza's never seen
a real advertising agency.

Oh, well, I suppose everyone
should see one sooner or later.

- Is 9:00 all right?
- That'll be fine.

- In the morning?
- Of course in the morning.

Nice to have met you, Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, wonderful to have met you, Liza.

Wonderful to have met you.

Wonderful to have...
Nice meeting you, Liza.

- See you in the morning, Darrin.
- Yes, good night, Liza.

Nice little girl, isn't she?

- Rather big for a little girl.
- What do you mean?

You certainly bring out
the woman in her.

Oh, come on. All young girls
are impressed by an older man.

Well, you certainly are that.

Especially an older man
who doesn't look his age.

Vanity, thy name is human.

What's wrong with being human?
At least I'm not a...

Not a what?

Now, Sam.

Sam, now cut that out.

You're not jealous
of a schoolkid, are you?

Not a what?

A teenage, freckle-faced schoolkid
in short socks and sneakers...

when I have something like you.

Like what?

A fascinating, bewitching,
beguiling...

You convinced me.

It's a shame you have
to go to the office today.

I won't be long.
Why don't you come with us?

No, thank you. I've got
a lot of housework to do.

- It's almost 9:15. Where is our little...?
- Sam.

- Typical American schoolkid with
freckles, short socks and sneakers?

That is a very accurate
description of Liza Randall.

It's also a very accurate description
of Huckleberry Finn.

Oh, now you finish
your breakfast. I'll get it.

Good morning.

- Well, good morning.
- Is Darrin...?

Is Mr. Stephens ready?

Just about.

Why don't you come in, Liza,
and make yourself comfortable.

It'll only be a minute. I'll tell
Mr. Steph... Darrin that you're here.

- Who is it?
- Typical American schoolkid...

with freckles, silk stockings
and 3-inch French heels.

- Liza?
- Well, it ain't Huckleberry Finn.

Well, honey, why didn't you
ask her to come in?

Come on in, Liza.

- Good morning, Darrin.
- Well, good morning.

- Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.
- Thank you.

Don't let me rush you.
I'm ready anytime you are.

- Yes. Would you care for some coffee?
- No, thank you.

I'll be right with you
as soon as I finish my legs.

Eggs.

I'll be waiting. After all, your wife's
been nice enough to lend you to me...

- for a whole day.
- Yes, of course.

Why don't you two get started.
You want to get home before dark.

Are you sure
you won't come with us?

Oh, no, I've got loads to do around
here. You two go ahead and have fun.

All right. Let's go, Liza.

I'll give you my undivided
attention, Mr. Stephens...

- so we won't waste a moment.
- See you later. We won't be late.

Yes, well, be very careful.

- Driving.
- Oh, of course.

- See you later, Mrs. Stephens.
- Yes, Liza.

- Mrs. Stephens?
- Yes?

My name is Marvin Grogan.
They call me Monster.

- How are you?
- I'm fine, thank you. And you?

Oh, I'm fine, thank you.

Mrs. Stephens, I believe that
was your husband who just left.

- That's right.
- Well, a woman named Liza Randall...

- was seated next to him.
- I know that too.

Very, very next to him.

Now that you mention it,
it did catch my eye.

I don't know how disturbed you are...

but it might interest you
to know I'm very disturbed.

I don't think there's really
anything to be disturbed about.

You'll pardon me
if I disagree with you?

One, Liza Randall is engaged to me.

Two, we have a standing date every
Saturday morning, which she broke...

to go shopping with her mother,
which we both know she didn't do.

Three, she's made it very plain
that she's out to get your husband.

Well, I really don't think
it's that serious.

Four, this is not the first time
a situation like this has come up.

You see, Liza has what you call
a mother complex, only with fathers.

Five, what Liza Randall wants,
Liza Randall gets.

- Unless...
- Unless what?

Unless you come up
with a better suggestion...

I have decided to break
your husband in half.

Why don't you come inside, Monster.
I think you're right.

There's definitely something
to be disturbed about.

Once the preliminary sketches
are made, and we get together...

with our copywriters and artists,
we see if we can't improve upon them.

And of course we have
photographic layout.

Do many women pose for you?

Well, for the photographers,
actually.

Your wife is very jealous, isn't she?

No more or less than any woman.

Have you known many women?

Liza, did you come down here
to study advertising techniques...

or to ask me personal questions
that are none of your business?

You're a very sensitive man.

Well, you could say that, yes.

Sensitive men are exciting.
They're so... So...

- Sensitive.
- Yes.

Yes. Now why don't we get into
some examples of overall composition.

All right.

Would you like another stack
of pancakes, Monster?

No, thank you, Mrs. Stephens.
Eight or nine stacks are all I can go.

I ate all your sausage and bacon too.

I got a lot of hostility, I guess.

Well, I'd rather you attack my icebox
than my husband anytime.

- Are you feeling better?
- Pretty good.

Except that when I get emotional,
I burn up an awful lot of sugar.

I get a sweet tooth.

- You got any pie?
- Yes, I think so.

- What kind of pie do you prefer?
- I'm very fond of apple.

Well, it seems I recall
a fresh-baked apple pie.

But I'm crazy about banana cream.

Oh, well, aren't you lucky?
It isn't apple at all.

But banana cream is pretty rich. So I
stick with apple when I'm in training.

Wonderful.

Which I'm not at the moment.

Half apple and half banana cream?

Stephens' specialty, Monster.

Enjoy yourself and let your
conscience be your guide.

Now, as you can see
by this analysis curve...

the public's taste
changes with the times.

It isn't enough for an advertising man
to have imagination...

he has to have a sympathetic eye
and ear to what the public wants...

and what they need.

A product's success depends
upon its public acceptance...

which depends on
an image created for that product...

by an advertising executive.

Take clothing styles, for instance.

A different designer
dominates the field each year.

Cheers.

Then the public chooses
one above all the others.

Now, of course, what we have...

- What's in that drink?
- Root beer.

- Root beer and what?
- Scotch.

Scotch?

- What's that?
- Gin.

Gin? Give me that!

Oh, for heaven's sake.
There's a towel over there.

Will you get it for me, please?
You ought to be spanked.

- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing.

I wish you wouldn't talk to me
as if I were 12 years old.

You're absolutely right,
I do apologize. A 12-year-old child...

would have more sense than
to pull a foolish stunt like that.

- You do that.
- That's all right, I don't mind.

I would like to be your father
for five minutes.

I wouldn't care for that at all.

I like being who I am,
and I like you the way you are.

Never mind. Just put water on the towel
and soak the gin out of your dress.

You know how zealously
we guard our corporate image, Tate.

The keynote of all our
advertising is dignity.

Oh, by all means, dignity.
And let me assure you, Mr. Austen...

your campaign is going to be
designed by one of our most talented...

and dignified account executives.

- That's good to hear.
- I'm glad we saw his car downstairs.

He often comes into
the office on Saturdays.

He's an extremely
dedicated young man.

- I'd like to have you meet him.
- Be happy to.

Listen to me, young lady,
enough of this nonsense.

- We haven't done a thing.
- We have done all we're going to...

Oh, look out!

- Hi, Larry.
- I think we are intruding.

Oh, I don't think so.

Mr. Johnson, have you seen
Darrin Stephens this morning?

No, I haven't. But when I do, I'll
tell him you were looking for him.

Thank you. Nice to see you again,
Mrs. Johnson.

- All right, let's go.
- Isn't that cute? He married us.

You have all the material you need
for a truly fascinating thesis.

We're leaving by way
of the freight elevator.

- Who will break the news to your wife?
- Move.

And so you see, Monster,
it's easy to understand...

why an impressionable girl like Liza
would be momentarily smitten...

by a man like my husband.
Maturity has its own fascination.

I guess so.

If I were you,
I'd just forget all about it.

I haven't thought about Liza
for half an hour.

- That's a record for me.
- That's wonderful.

Listening to you, it suddenly
comes to me what a child she is...

- immature and like that.
- Well, she's still very young, Monster.

Yes, she is, and I realize that now.

And like you say,
maturity sure is fascinating.

You're beginning to look hungry again.
I think I'll fix you something to eat.

Mrs. Stephens,
I'm not gonna lie to you.

I am getting hungry again.

I want you to know this has been the
most fascinating morning of my life.

Well, I'll tell you the truth, Monster.
It's a fascinating morning for me too.

I certainly hope you mean that.

Monster! Oh, please control yourself.
Please don't do anything rash.

- What's that I smell all over you?
- Gin.

Monster, this is my husband.

Darrin, this is Marvin Grogan.
They call him Monster.

- Gin?
- That's right.

That's Scotch,
if I ever smelled anything.

The Scotch is on me, the gin is on Liza.
How do you do, Monster?

Well, what are you doing with Scotch
all over you and gin all over Liza?

- We just started to have a simple drink.
- A drink?

No one had a drink,
simple or otherwise.

We merely spilled it on ourselves.

There, you see? Perfectly innocent.

Okay. I burned up a lot of sugar
on account of you.

I came over here to bruise you up,
Mr. Stephens.

You have no right
to spy on me, Mr. Grogan.

- It's a free country and I'm a citizen.
- Perfectly free, as far as I'm concerned.

- May I have my hand back?
- Okay. Pleased to meet you.

I have since learned that there's no
maturity and fascination between us...

- thanks to Samantha here.
- Samantha?

Pay no attention to him, Darrin.

What does he mean "Samantha"?

Don't let this big clod
bother you, Darrin.

Listen to me, both of you. It's time
you went about your own business.

- But my thesis.
- If you have more questions...

- submit them in writing.
- But, Darrin...

- No buts. Goodbye and good luck.
- Thank you. Goodbye, Samantha.

Well, that's quite a conquest
you've made there.

Well, he's really quite
a nice young man.

Oh, I suppose under all that sinew and
tendon beats a heart of pure protein.

Oh, Darrin.

Oh, Darrin, what?

Well, I mean, you're...
Oh, Darrin, you're not... I mean...

I mean what I mean.
You say what you've got to say.

You're jealous.

Don't be ridiculous.
Me, jealous of a...

Typical American schoolkid with
freckles, short socks and sneakers.

Well, I...

I suppose you're pretty
proud of yourself?

She's a very charming person.

Something that you don't
have the faintest idea how to be.

Well, what's so unusual
about having charm?

It comes with age, like wrinkles.

You're jealous!

Me, jealous?
You've got to be kidding!

Sure, Liza Randall,
the most irresistible thing...

to come along since Brigitte Bardot.
You're jealous.

Don't you laugh at me,
you monster, or so help me.

I want you to know I'm really very
flattered by this whole thing.

You should be. Liza happens
to be an extremely pretty girl.

I was talking about Monster.
We had quite a morning.

- He was here all morning?
- Oh, yes, he arrived just after you left.

He wanted to break you in half.

Only my charm and three square meals
kept you in one piece.

I want you to know I put up
quite a valiant fight myself today.

Oh, really?

It was touch-and-go there
for a moment.

Touch what and go where?

Are you telling me it wasn't you
who lured him to his office...

- it was him that lured you?
- Monster, it was his idea, I swear.

- Liza, if you're lying...
- if my project wasn't so important...

I'd have gone shopping
with my mother.

- That does it.
- Oh, Monster!

I don't mind telling you
that child got aggressive.

Child? That's as fully developed
a woman as I've seen in many a day.

You said she was
a typical American schoolkid.

It doesn't matter. You must've
given her encouragement.

I did nothing of the kind.
I was explaining the rise and fall...

of a public-acceptance survey chart.
She tried to get me drunk.

Do you really expect me
to believe that?

Of course I do,
as much as you expect me...

to believe you were protecting me
from Marvin all morning.

- Well, I was.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

That big clod wouldn't hurt a flea.

- What did you say?
- I said, he wouldn't hurt a flea.

You said I was ridiculous.

- Who said you were ridiculous? Me?
- Yes. That's what you said.

- Let's not fight about it.
- Well, that's exactly what you're doing.

I'm not fighting. This is no fight.

You're fighting.
It takes two to make a fight.

You started it, that's one.
And you started it with me, that's two.

Don't be ridiculous. All I said was
that big clod wouldn't hurt a flea.

Monster, don't lose your temper.

I'm not gonna lose my temper.
I'm merely gonna teach him...

that when a man
has a wife like Samantha...

he shouldn't go after a girl like Liza,
who's got a boyfriend like me.

- Now, listen to me.
- Now, Darrin, don't fight with him.

I've had enough of this silly farce.
Now, what is it you intend to do?

- I intend to close your jaw.
- You and who else?

Darrin, no.

Well, have you had enough?
Why don't you try one there.

Oh, my hands.

Oh, let me see, Monster.

You ruined his hands,
he may never make another pass.

- I don't think that'll stop him.
- I think she means football.

Oh, you monster.

Let's get out of here, Liza.
I gotta go soak my hands.

Come on, Marvin.

Hey, that's the first time
you've ever called me Marvin.

Why did you let
that little girl hit me?

Well, sweetheart, all things considered,
it was the least I could do.

You're still angry, aren't you?

Why would you say that?

All right, you're surrounded.

Throw down your magic,
and come out with your hands up.