Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Girl Reporter - full transcript

Enough is enough.

It's about time I paid
some attention to you.

Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm practicing my button sewing.

Getting pretty good too. See?

Oh, that's marvelous.

But the workaday world is over.

Friday night. Time for
excitement and romance.

Oh, marvelous.
Where are we going?

Going? We're not going anywhere.

Excitement, romance, you said.

That goes with black ties,
champagne and dancing,



doesn't it?

We don't have
to get that excited.

Oh, I see. No
champagne or dancing?

You can wear my
black tie if you like.

Oh, thank you, darling.

I love you with all my heart.

But nothing in this
world is going to get me

to put my shoes back
on, let alone a black tie.

Oh, I just thought we'd
sit around here together,

just the two of us, you know.

Oh, grab that, will you, honey?

Oh, sure.

Hello?

Yes, it is.



Yes, he is. Just
a minute, please.

Darrin?

It's for you.

Thank you, honey. Hello?

Oh, yes!

Yes!

Well, you are an eager
beaver, aren't you?

Tonight would be fine.

Well, I'm looking forward
to meeting you too.

Yes, yes, goodbye.

Who was that?

An admirer.

An admirer of what?

Of me.

I'm to be interviewed
as the prototype

of the successful young
advertising executive.

Oh, really, Darrin?

For newspapers and magazines,
television? Something like that?

Something like that.

Which one?

A paper.

Which one?

A local paper.

Which one?

A local school paper.

Oh. Which one?

A local junior college paper

by a local junior college
journalism student.

Well, I think that's very nice.

Well, it's a start anyway.

No telling where
I'll go from there.

Oh, well, I'm very proud of you.

Was that his mother who called?

No, that was her.

Her?

Sorry, "she."

Oh, well, how did her,
um... she pick on you?

She saw my picture in the
paper when we moved in.

Oh, yes. That was
a wonderful picture.

You looked sort of
fearless and sexy, as I recall.

Somehow that photographer
caught me, didn't he?

Where are you going?

Put a tie on. It doesn't
look nice like this.

Oh, I see.

Sam, will you fix some
cold drinks, sandwiches,

things like that?

Why don't you just
give me a quarter

and I'll go to the movies?

I can't tell you how
much I appreciate

your letting me
come over tonight.

You're an important
term project I've got.

Well, I'm flattered.

It's really fascinating how
much you look like your picture.

Oh, yes.

Somehow that
photographer caught m...

Yes, thank you.

Can we offer you something?

Please don't go to any bother.

Oh, it's no bother. Hmm?

It's no bother. I have
sandwiches all ready.

You're very sweet

and I'll try not to keep
your husband for too long.

Oh, well, I appreciate that.

You know, I think
creative advertising

is among the more fascinating
avocations in the world today.

Yes, I suppose it is.

And I never expected

that anyone who was
so successful in that field

would be, well, as young
as you, Mr. Stephens.

Well, I'm not that
young, Miss Randall,

although most men in my position

are a bit older, I guess.

Baloney. Hmm?

And there's some
corned beef and liverwurst

and some of that
wonderful smelly cheese too.

My husband's simply
crazy about that.

No, thank you.

But I would like
a little something

to cool me off.

Yes, of course.

One thing I'm dying to know
is where you got that idea

for that wonderful
Caldwell Soup campaign.

"The only thing that will
ever come between us."

It's an inspired slogan.

Well, how did you
know that was mine?

I've made quite a study
of you, Mr. Stephens.

Well, I am flattered,
Miss Randall.

Please call me Liza.

Very well, Liza.

And I'll call you Darrin.

That is if Mrs.
Stephens doesn't mind.

Oh, no.

Of course not.

He's been called
worse than that.

My wife has a great
sense of humor.

We practically never
stop laughing around here.

I suppose you find it difficult

to accomplish anything at home.

What do you mean by that?

She means business, dear.

Oh, well, I guess we
better just stop laughing

so you can get down
to some serious work.

You see what I mean?

Actually, I do find the
office more conducive, yes.

I thought so.

And as long as we have a
date to go down there tomorrow,

I won't have to keep
you any longer tonight.

Tomorrow?

Well, when Liza...
Um, Miss Randall

called me the other
day about the interview,

I suggested she
come down to the office

on Saturday when it's quiet

so I can show her
around, you see?

Oh, yes, I see.

Liza's never seen a
real advertising agency.

Oh, well, I suppose everyone
should see one sooner or later.

Is 9:00 all right?

That will be fine.

In the morning?

Well, of course in the morning.

Nice to have met
you, Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, wonderful to
have met you, Liza.

Wonderful to have met you.

Wonderful to have...
Nice meeting you, Liza.

See you in the morning, Darrin.

Yes, good night, Liza.

Nice little girl, isn't she?

Rather big for a little girl.

What do you mean?

You certainly seem

to bring out the woman in her.

Oh, come on.

All young girls are
impressed by an older man.

Well, you certainly are that.

Especially an older man
who doesn't look his age.

Vanity, thy name is human.

What's wrong with being
human? At least I'm not a...

A what?

Now, Sam...

Sam, now, cut that out!

You're not jealous of
a schoolkid, are you?

Not a what?

A teenage
freckle-faced schoolkid

in short socks and sneakers...

when I have something like you?

Like what?

A fascinating,
bewitching, beguiling...

You convinced me.

I think it's a shame you
have to go to the office today.

I won't be long. Why
don't you come with us?

No, thank you. I've got
a lot of housework to do.

It's almost 9:15.

Where is our little...? Sam.

Typical American schoolkid

with freckles, short
socks and sneakers?

That is a very accurate
description of Liza Randall.

It's also a very
accurate description

of Huckleberry Finn.

Oh, well, now, you
finish your breakfast.

I'll get it.

Good morning.

Well, good morning.

Is Darr...? Is
Mr. Stephens ready?

Just about.

Why don't you come in, Liza,
and make yourself comfortable?

It'll only be a minute.

I'll tell Mr. Ste...
Darrin that you're here.

Who is it?

Typical American schoolkid

with freckles, silk stockings

and French heels.

Liza?

Well, it ain't Huckleberry Finn.

Well, honey, why didn't
you ask her to come in?

Come on in, Liza.

Good morning, Darrin.

Well, good morning.

Oh, sit down. Make
yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

Don't let me rush you.

I'm ready any time you are.

Yes. Um... would you
care for some coffee?

No, thank you.

I'll be right with you

as soon as I finish my legs.

Eggs.

I don't mind waiting.

After all, your wife's been
nice enough to lend you to me

for a whole day.

Yes, of course. Why
don't you two get started?

I mean, you want to
get home before dark.

Are you sure you
won't come with us?

Oh, no. I've got loads
to do around here.

You two go ahead and have fun.

All right.

Let's go, Liza.

I'll give him my undivided
attention, Mrs. Stephens,

so we won't waste a moment.

See you later, honey.
We won't be late.

Yes, well, be very careful.

Hmm?

Driving. Oh, of course.

See you later, Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, yes, Li... Uh, Liza.

Mrs. Stephens?

Yes?

My name is Marvin Grogan.

They call me Monster.

How are you?

I'm fine, thank you. And you?

Oh, I'm fine, thank you.

Mrs. Stephens, I believe
that was your husband

who just left here in a car.

That's right.

Well, a woman named Liza Randall

was seated next to him.

I know that too.

Very, very next to him.

Now that you mention
it, it did catch my eye.

Mrs. Stephens, I don't
know how disturbed you are,

but it might
interest you to know

that I'm very disturbed.

I don't think

there's anything to
be disturbed about.

You'll pardon me if
I disagree with you.

One, Liza Randall
is engaged to me.

Two...

we have a standing date
every Saturday morning

which she broke to go
shopping with her mother,

which we both know she
didn't do any such thing.

Three, she's made it very plain

that she's out to
get your husband.

Well, I really don't
think it's that serious.

Four, this is not the first time

a situation like
this has come up.

You see, Liza has what
you call a mother complex,

only with fathers.

Five, what Liza Randall wants
Liza Randall gets unless...

Unless what?

Unless you can come up
with a better suggestion,

I have decided to break
your husband in half.

Um, why don't you
come inside, Monster?

I think you're right.

There's definitely something
to be disturbed about.

Once the preliminary
sketches are made,

then we get together with
our copywriters and artists,

see if we can't
improve upon them.

And of course, we have,
um... photographic layout.

Do many women pose for you?

Well, for the
photographers, actually.

Your wife is very
jealous, isn't she?

No more or less than any woman.

Have you known many women?

Liza, did you come down here
to study advertising techniques

or to ask me a lot
of personal questions

that are none of your business?

You're a very sensitive man.

Well, you could say that, yes.

Sensitive men are exciting.

They're so... so... Sensitive?

Yes.

Yes.

Now, why don't we
get into some examples

of overall composition?

All right.

Would you like another
stack of pancakes, Monster?

No, thank you, Mrs. Stephens.

Eight or nine stacks
are about all I can go.

I ate all your sausage
and bacon too.

I've got a lot of
hostility, I guess.

Well, I'd rather you attacked
my icebox than my husband

anytime.

Are you feeling better?

Pretty good.

Except that when
I get emotional,

I burn up an awful lot of sugar.

I get a sweet tooth. Oh.

You got any pie?

Yes. I think so.

What kind of pie do you prefer?

I'm very fond of apple.

Well, it seems I recall
a fresh-baked apple pie.

But I'm crazy about
banana-cream.

Oh. Well, aren't you lucky?

It isn't apple at all.

But banana-cream is pretty rich

so I try to stick with
apple when I'm in training.

Oh, wonderful.

Which I'm not at the moment.

Here.

Half apple and
half banana-cream?

A Stephens specialty, Monster.

Enjoy yourself and let your
conscience be your guide.

Mmm.

Now, as you can see
by this analysis curve,

the public's taste
changes with the times.

It isn't enough for
an advertising man

to have imagination.

He has to have a
sympathetic eye and ear

to what the public wants
and what they need.

A product's success depends
upon its public acceptance

and that acceptance will depend

upon an image
created for that product

by an advertising executive.

Take clothing
styles, for instance.

Oh!

A different designer
dominates the field each year.

Cheers.

Then the public chooses
one above all the others.

Now, of course, what we have...

What's in that drink?

Root beer?

Root beer and what? Scotch.

Scotch?

Well, what's that? Gin.

Gin? Give me that. Oh!

Oh, for heaven's sake.

There's a towel over there.
Will you get it for me, please?

All right, yes. You
ought to be spanked.

What's the matter
with you anyway?

Nothing's the matter with me

and I wish you wouldn't talk
to me as if I were 12 years old.

You're absolutely
right. I do apologize.

A 12-year-old child
would have more sense

than to pull a
foolish stunt like that.

You do that.

That's all right. I don't mind.

I'd like to be your father
for just about 5 minutes.

Oh, I wouldn't
care for that at all.

I like being who I am and
I like you the way you are.

Never mind that.

Just put some water on the towel

and soak the gin
out of your dress.

You know how zealously we
guard our corporate image, Tate.

The keynote of all our
advertising is dignity.

Oh, by all means, dignity.

And let me assure
you, Mr. Austen,

your campaign is
going to be designed

by one of our most talented
and dignified account executives.

Well, that's good to hear.

I'm glad we spotted
his car downstairs.

You know, he often comes
into the office on Saturdays.

He's an extremely
dedicated young man.

I'd like to have you meet him.

Be happy to.

Listen to me, young lady.

There's been enough
of this nonsense.

Well, we haven't done a thing.

We have done all we're going to.

Oh, look out!

Hi, Larry.

I think we are intruding.

Ah... I don't think so.

Mr. Johnson,

have you seen Darrin
Stephens this morning?

No, I haven't, but when I do,

I'll certainly tell him
you were looking for him.

Thank you.

Nice to see you
again, Mrs. Johnson.

All right, let's go.

Isn't that cute? He married us.

You have all the
material you need

for a truly fascinating thesis.

We are leaving by way
of the freight elevator.

Who's gonna break
the news to your wife?

Move.

And so you see, Monster,

it's easy to understand why
an impressionable girl like Liza

would be momentarily smitten
by a man like my husband.

Maturity has its
own fascination.

I guess so.

If I were you, I'd
just forget all about it.

Oh, I haven't thought about
Liza for almost a half an hour.

That's a record for me.

That's wonderful.

Listening to you explain it,

it suddenly comes to
me what a child she is,

immature and like that.

Well, she's still
very young, Monster.

Yes, she is, and
I realize that now.

And like you say,
maturity sure is fascinating.

You're beginning
to look hungry again.

I think I ought to fix
you something to eat.

Mrs. Stephens, I'm
not gonna lie to you.

I am getting hungry again.

But I just want you to
know that this has been

the most fascinating
morning of my life.

I'll tell you the
truth, Monster.

It's been a pretty fascinating
morning for me too.

I hope you mean that.

Monster! Oh, please
control yourself!

Please don't do anything rash!

What's that I
smell all over you?

Gin.

Monster, this is my husband.

Darrin, this is Marvin Grogan.

They call him Monster.

Gin?

That's right.

That's Scotch if I
ever smelled anything.

The Scotch is on
me, the gin is on Liza.

How do you do, Monster?

Well, what are you doing

with Scotch all over
you and gin all over Liza?

We just started to
have a simple drink.

A drink?

No one had a drink,
simple or otherwise.

We merely spilled
it on ourselves.

There, you see?
Perfectly innocent.

Okay. I burned up a lot
of sugar on account of you.

I came over here

to bruise you up a
little bit, Mr. Stephens.

You have no right to
spy on me, Mr. Grogan.

This is a free country
and I'm a citizen.

Perfectly free as
far as I'm concerned.

May I have my hand back?

Okay. Pleased to meet you.

I've since learned

that there's absolutely
no maturity and fascination

between us, thanks
to Samantha here.

Samantha?

Pay no attention to him, Darrin.

What does he mean "Samantha"?

Don't let this big clod
bother you, Darrin.

Listen to me, both of you.

I think it's about time

both of you went about
your own business.

But, Darrin, my thesis!

If you have questions, just
submit them to me in writing.

But, Darrin... No
buts. Good luck.

Thank you. Goodbye, Samantha.

Well, that's quite a conquest

you've made there.

Well, he's really quite
a nice young man.

Oh, I suppose under
all that sinew and tendon

beats a heart of pure protein.

Oh, Darrin!

"Oh, Darrin," what?

Well, I mean, you're n...?

Oh, Darrin, you're
not...? I mean...

I mean what I mean. You
say what you've got to say.

You're jealous!

Don't be ridiculous.
Me jealous of a...? A...?

Typical American schoolkid

with freckles, short
socks and sneakers.

Well, I... um...

I suppose you're pretty
proud of yourself, aren't you?

She's a very charming person.

Something about which you
don't have the faintest idea

how to be.

What's so unusual
about having charm?

It comes with
age, like wrinkles.

You're jealous!

Me? Jealous? You've
got to be kidding.

Sure!

Liza Randall, the most
irresistible thing to come along

since Brigitte Bardot.

You're jealous. Ha-ha!

Don't you laugh at me,
you monster or so help me...

I want you to know

I'm really very flattered
by this whole thing.

You should be.

Liza happens to be
an extremely pretty girl.

I was talking about Monster.
We had quite a morning.

He was here all morning?

Oh, yes. He arrived
just after you left.

He wanted to break you in half.

Only my charm and three square
meals kept you in one piece.

I want you to know

I put up quiet a valiant
fight myself today.

Oh, really?

It was touch-and-go
there for a moment.

Touch what and go where?

Are you trying to tell me

that it wasn't you who
lured him down to his office?

It was him that lured you?

Mm-hm, Monster, it
was his idea, I swear.

Liza, if you're lying...

If my term project
wasn't so important,

I'd have gone shopping
with my mother.

That does it.

Oh, Monster!

I don't mind telling you

that child got a bit
aggressive at the office.

Child?

That's as fully developed a
woman I've seen in many a day.

You said yourself
she was a typical...

It just doesn't
matter what I said.

You must have given
her some encouragement.

I did nothing of the kind.

I was explaining to her

the rise and fall of a public
acceptance survey chart.

She tried to get me drunk.

Do you really expect
me to believe that?

Of course I do, as much
as you expect me to believe

you were protecting me from
Marvin Musclebound all morning.

Well, I was.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

That big clod
wouldn't hurt a flea.

What did you say?

I said he wouldn't hurt a flea.

You said I was ridiculous.

Who said you were
ridiculous? Me?

Yes, that's what you said.

Oh, let's not fight about it.

Well, that's exactly
what you're doing.

I'm not fighting.
This is no fight.

You're fighting. It takes
two to make a fight.

You started it. That's one.

And you started it
with me. That's two.

Don't be ridiculous.

All I said was that big
clod wouldn't hurt a flea.

Monster, please
don't lose your temper.

I'm not going to lose my temper.

I'm merely going to teach him

that when a man has a
wonderful wife like Samantha,

he shouldn't go
after a girl like Liza

who's got a boyfriend like me.

Now, listen to me...

Oh, now, Darrin.
Don't fight with him.

I've had enough
of this silly farce.

What is it you intend to do?

I intend to close your jaw.

You and who else?

Darrin, no.

Arggh!

Well, have you had enough?

Why don't you try one there?

Oh, my hands!

Oh, let me see, Monster!

You've ruined his hands.

He may never make another pass.

Oh, I don't think
that'll stop him.

I think she means
football, dear.

Oh, you... you... You monster!

Let's get out of here, Liza.

I've got to go soak my hands.

Come on, Marvin.

Hey, that's the first time
you've ever called me Marvin.

Why did you let
that little girl hit me?

Well, sweetheart,
all things considered,

it was the least I could do.

You're still angry, aren't you?

Why would you say that?

All right.

You're surrounded.

Throw down your magic and
come out with your hands up.