Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 1, Episode 23 - Red Light, Green Light - full transcript

- Good afternoon, Mr. Kravitz.
- Oh, good morning.

- Is it afternoon already?
- Why, yes.

I've been standing here all morning
waiting to cross.

- You're exaggerating.
- A little, not much.

- Hi, Dave.
- Hello, Samantha.

Oh, hello, counsellor.

Hello, Mr. Kravitz.
How's the most beautiful woman...

- in Morning Glory Circle?
- Tell me, Dave...

- do girls really fall for that line?
- Usually.

- How's that lucky husband of yours?
- Very busy.

I am too, but I won't be for long
if I keep important clients waiting.



Wait a minute.
You're not gonna try and cross now.

You think a fast man like me is going to
be stopped by a few slow cars?

- What's happened here?
- It's a miracle I wasn't killed.

We have been asking for a stoplight
on this corner for months.

Why haven't we gotten one?

That's not up to me, lady,
that's up to city hall.

- Go fight city hall.
- Well, I think we should.

I do too, and soon.

Why don't we meet at my house
tonight and discuss it?

- Fine, what time?
- Eight o'clock.

- We'll be there.
- We?

You do want Darrin too, don't you?

- Only if you insist.
- I insist.

- I'll be there too.
- With Mrs. Kravitz?



Only if you insist.

Oh, didn't I teach you
never to play with sharp objects?

I'm not playing, Mother. I'm working.

Much simpler that way, my dear.

Not in a long run. You know Darrin
doesn't like me doing things that way.

I'm surprised he doesn't insist
you tear it apart with your fangs.

You promised not to criticise him.

Oh, perish the thought.

It was just an observation,
not a criticism.

Why are you dining so early,
Samantha?

Darrin's working, and I have to be
at a neighbour's for a meeting.

- Why?
- We're trying to figure out...

how to get a traffic signal
in Morning Glory Circle.

Is that all?

That's plenty.

Getting a traffic signal installed
is a very difficult thing.

Not to me, it isn't.

I'll get some traffic signals
from little cities.

I'll bring them here, you pick out
one that appeals to you...

and I'll put it in Morning Glory Circle
quicker than you can say "Beelzebub."

No, thank you, Mother.

Oh, I wish you'd let me help you
in little ways, Samantha.

What's a mother for?

All right, we're all agreed.

We've got to do something dramatic
to show city hall we want some action.

I say we should lie down
right in the middle of the street.

You lie down in the middle of the
street. The traffic's too heavy for me.

I'm afraid, Mrs. Kravitz, that's illegal.
We could get arrested.

We could get killed.

When I said dramatic, Mrs. Kravitz, I
didn't mean we could go quite that far.

Why don't we hold a protest meeting
in the school auditorium?

That is a great idea, Samantha.

We could hold it, let's see,
a week from Saturday.

Why wait a week? Time's important.

Yes, it's very important. But it's also
important to get a maximum turnout.

We have to advertise, take an ad
in the Morning Glory News...

and we couldn't get one up
on such short notice.

I'll bet Darrin could help. He's always
being called on to do the impossible.

Is Darrin interested in what
we're doing? He isn't here.

I know, Dave. He had to work late,
but I'm sure he's very interested.

Excuse me.

- Well.
- Hi, Dave.

- Sorry I'm late.
- Come on in. Come on in.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, darling.

- You all know my husband, Darrin.
- Hello there.

- Glad you could join us, Darrin.
- I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

We were talking about an ad
for the Morning Glory News.

- I told them you'd be glad to help us.
- Well, of course. I'd be delighted.

We're worried about
meeting a deadline.

I don't think there'll be a problem.
When's the deadline?

- Tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow morning?

That's not impossible, is it?

- No, I think I can handle it.
- See.

Now, next to having
a big turnout at the rally...

the most important thing is to make
its existence known to city hall.

I'm going to see about getting
the mayor to attend.

Last is the appointment of the chairman
of the refreshments committee.

- Any volunteers?
- I'll volunteer...

if someone will lend me
some cookie cutters.

I have some.

Well, the meeting's adjourned.

Are you sure you can prepare an ad
by 8:00 tomorrow morning, Darrin?

Of course. It's not a legal brief.

- I hope it doesn't keep you up all night.
- It won't.

- Okay. Good night then.
- Good night.

Good night, Dave.

- Hi there.
- Hi.

That was delicious.
What's for dessert?

- You just had it.
- That little piece of pie?

I'll get you another piece.

I better go get Mrs. Stephens'
cookie cutters.

What's your hurry? Are you
planning to start baking tonight?

Can you think of anything
more exciting to do?

- Besides, never put off until tomorrow...
- What you don't have to do at all.

Yeah.

Mother, what have you done?

I didn't know which one you'd prefer,
so I brought an assortment.

This is "walk" and "don't walk,"
prevents jaywalking.

It's against the law, you know.

This is the red, green and yellow.
Prismatic colours.

It's fairly attractive.

This is conventional
red-and-green light.

Rather ordinaire.

Abner!

Oh, this is my favourite.

It's old-fashioned.

It's like that plaything you used
to have, monkey on a stick.

I must say, its removal created
a rather monumental traffic snarl.

Put them all back, Mother.

- All?
- All.

Why should I do that?

You've heard the expression
"easy come, easy go."

When we finally do get a stoplight
at that intersection...

I would like it to stay.

Well, all right, Samantha.

I'll take them all back, eventually.

- Now, please.
- Tonight?

Tonight.

Oh, I had a lot of things planned
for tonight.

Well, I'm sorry, Mother,
but this has to come first.

Oh, Samantha...

sometimes I think
you take after your father.

Thank you, Mother.

- We'll be arrested for trespassing.
- We're not the ones who'll be arrested.

Look. Look.

Yeah, very pretty.

But I know I saw them.

Lights flashing red, green, yellow.
"Walk, don't walk, stop."

Here you are.

Thanks.

- Something wrong?
- Yes, that's wrong.

- The ad?
- Yes, I slave over ads all day.

When I come home at night,
I like food, relaxation.

- I know.
- Then why am I sitting here?

You volunteered.

I'd just as soon you'd kept your nose
out of that traffic-signal business.

I cross at that corner
several times a week.

Why can't you fly across?

Because I have a husband who doesn't
like me behaving like a witch.

Samantha.

Samantha.

Samantha, open the door.

- Samantha, will you please open up?
- Why?

Will you please stop playing games?

- Will you start work on that ad?
- I'm not in the mood.

I know, but you have to finish it
by morning. It's very important.

I promise I'll get up bright and early
and tackle it fresh.

You seem fresh enough to me
right now.

- Get to work.
- Sam.

Whistle when you're through,
and I'll unlock the door.

Honey...

I said, after you're through.

Yes, warden.

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- What time is it?
- Eight. What time did you finish?

- Seven-thirty.
- You've been up all night?

Yeah, but don't tell Dave.
Let him think I'm a genius.

Come on over here, honey.
Take a look at this.

- Well, what do you think?
- Well, I think you are a genius.

It's beautiful.

- But is it effective?
- Oh, it's very effective.

If this doesn't get people to our rally,
I don't know what will.

- But I'm sorry you didn't get any sleep.
- So am I.

- That must be Dave.
- Oh, I'll get it, honey.

Do I look like I've been up all night?

You look beautiful
when you've been up all night.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, Dave.

- Were you able to finish?
- Naturally. Come on in.

- Hey, it must've taken you all night.
- Are you kidding?

- Good morning.
- Morning.

You look beautiful. You look terrible.

Forget about that. Look at the ad.

Looks like we're gonna have
our meeting Saturday.

I guess so.

This is just about right.

- I just have two little suggestions.
- Suggestions?

- I hope you don't mind.
- Oh, no. Why should I mind?

What are your suggestions?

Well, the top line I think should read,
"Stop risking your child's life."

What if the reader
doesn't have a child?

That doesn't matter. It's still
a more effective headline, I think.

I think so too.

- I thought you liked my headline.
- Well, I do, darling.

But I think Dave's suggestion helps.

It's still basically
your headline, Darrin.

Yes, that's right, darling.
It is yours, basically.

What's your other suggestion?

Under "Go to the mass rally
at the school auditorium"...

you should add
"and bring your friends."

I think that's an excellent idea,
don't you, Darrin?

Suppose a person
doesn't have any friends?

Oh, sweetheart, that's ridiculous.
Who doesn't have any friends?

Me.

Darrin, I want you...

- Darrin.
- It's all finished, Dave.

Dave? Wake up. You're dreaming.

- Oh, Larry, I'm sorry.
- Well, you should be.

I realise Sleggershammer's Dairy
isn't the most stimulating account...

but it does butter our bread.

With "the richest butter this side
of Fort Knox."

Nevertheless, we can't afford
to have you asleep...

in the middle of the campaign
for their gala centennial.

- Larry, I've been moonlighting.
- You have another job?

Yes. I'm in charge of advertising
for the Put a Traffic Signal...

in Morning Glory Circle
Committee.

- My condolences.
- What makes you think I'll need them?

I once had a similar position.

We lived near a busy intersection,
and Louise was very anxious...

- to get a traffic light installed there.
- What happened?

Well, we have a traffic light
on our corner now.

- How'd you do it?
- We moved.

I caught you.

- Who am I, Jesse James?
- Those cookies are for the rally.

- I'll eat now and go later.
- No.

- You can go with me to Mrs. Stephens'.
- What for?

- To return the cookie cutters.
- Oh, that's not a man's job.

Okay. Do I have your word that
you won't take any while I'm gone?

It's yours.

Now, Abner, a man shouldn't
give his word lightly.

- A man's word should be his bond.
- You got my bonds too.

Mrs. Stephens.

- Oh, yes, Mrs. Kravitz.
- Here are your cookie cutters.

Thank you.
Won't you come in for a minute?

Oh, no. Abner, my husband,
Mr. Kravitz...

- he's waiting for me.
- Oh, fine. Thank you again.

- You're welcome. See you at the rally.
- Yeah.

Excuse me, I'm Mrs. Stephens.
Can I do...?

Abner!

All right, Mother.
What's all this about?

- How did you know I was behind this?
- I'm psychic.

It's really quite simple.

I happened to notice this gentleman
doing a rather exemplary job...

of directing traffic
in Trafalgar Square.

So I thought I'd surprise you with him.

Don't think me ungrateful,
but what am I going to do with him?

Put him in the middle
of the intersection, of course.

He'd give a touch of divine elegance
to a somewhat dreary little community.

What happens when he's removed
from the state of suspended animation?

- Oh, it should be glorious to behold.
- Take him back, Mother.

Oh, Samantha, in London
he's just another pea in a pod...

but here, he'd be the talk
of Morning Glory Circle.

So will I if you don't stop all this.

Oh, Samantha, there must be
some way I can be of help.

I believe there is, at the rally.

All right, ducky,
back to Trafalgar Square.

What would a bobby be doing
in Mrs. Stephens' house?

That's what I'd like to know.
Now go ahead and look. Look.

Here, Gladys, have a cookie.
You've been working too hard.

And so I trust that you understand
why it's impossible...

to approve your request
for a traffic signal.

Now, although I must dash off
to a very important meeting...

I'll stay long enough
to answer a few questions.

Young lady in the second row.

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but didn't you say...

that if there were enough
accidents at that intersection...

that the city then would install
a traffic signal?

I thought I made myself clear.

I said that when the accident
experience at any intersection...

is such that a signal is warranted,
a signal will be installed.

Does someone have to get
killed before that happens?

My friend, on my way here tonight...

I had to cross the intersection
in question.

Frankly, it lacks
sufficient vehicular volume...

to justify the expenditure
of a traffic signal.

This gentleman has a question.

I have a statement, Your Honour.

Try to cross it when the men from
the missile plant are driving to work.

You know what their motto is?
"Thou shall not pass."

You elected me mayor to do the right
thing for all the people, didn't you?

Personally, I supported your opponent.

I assure you, good citizen...

my opponent and his rich wife,
had he been elected...

would've been guided by the same
rules that I was forced to apply today.

And now I really must go.

Thank you, and remember,
feel free to call on me...

whenever I can be
of any help to you.

I'm gonna go talk to the counsellor.

- We'll meet you out by the parking lot.
- Fine, darling.

Samantha.

The mayor isn't going anyplace
for a while, Samantha.

Marvellous. I'll take over from here.

- Have fun.
- I will.

- Pretty good turnout.
- There's Samantha.

- Are you coming with me?
- Hi.

I guess not. See you later.

Need some help?

Yeah, but you don't look
like a mechanic to me, lady.

Try that.

- I already did.
- Try it again.

Well, what good would that do?

Try it again, numbskull.

- Thank you very much, miss.
- Mrs. Stephens.

And this is my husband.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Your Honour, could you give us a lift?

- If I'm going your way.
- You are.

Well, good. Hop in.

How long will this traffic keep up?

Sometimes it lasts for hours.

Well, give them the siren.

- The siren's broken, Your Honour.
- Well, blow the horn.

- You know what we need on this corner?
- What?

A traffic light.

Good. Can I be of any help, Sam?

Yes, don't eat any more hors d'oeuvres
till the company arrives.

And get out some ice.

Mother.

Oh, isn't it adorable?
I just couldn't resist it.

Oh, well, Samantha, but when I heard
you were giving a victory party...

I thought it would be appropriate
to bring it along. A sort of...

guest of honour, you know?

I know, but I don't think
the other guests will understand.

I told you so.

There's someone now.
Mother, please.

Oh, Samantha,
you do have an annoying way...

of putting a damper
on my divertissements.

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz, Mr. Kravitz.
- Hello, Mrs. Stephens.

- Good evening, Mrs. Stephens.
- I see we're not the first to arrive.

Look again.

I wasn't... Didn't you see? Well, I saw...

But there was a traffic light
right there...

and also, there was
a woman sitting there...

- Didn't you see?
- Gladys, take your medicine.

Gladly.

Excuse me.

Again.

Again, Gladys.