Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 1, Episode 24 - Which Witch Is Which? - full transcript

Where are you off
to in such a hurry?

Shopping.

It's Dollar Day.

Is that good?

Marvelous! Everything's on sale.

You can pick up
some terrific bargains.

Aha!

I suspected David
wasn't doing so well.

Darrin. And he's
doing just fine.

Bargain-hunting's
a challenge. It's fun.

It's a great pleasure
for mortal women.



Poor dears.

If you're not doing anything,
why don't you come along?

We can have lunch.

Well, it might be interesting

to see how the other
half amuse themselves.

You like it?

Very nice.

This, darling, is what
I call a real bargain.

Cost nothing.

Try it my way, Mother.

It's the challenge of
the thing. You'll see.

I saw it first.

Oh, Mrs. Stephens!

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz.



It's not my color, anyway.

All by yourself?

Oh, no.

Well, Mother's around
here somewhere.

Well, happy hunting.

Look, Samantha.

Ninety percent off over there!

Mother, really!

Oh, I should have thought
of that 30 minutes ago.

How about this one?

Oh, Samantha, it's dull.

You've grown so conservative.

Well, it's reduced
from $12.95 to $6.99.

That's a saving of...

Five dollars and
ninety-six cents.

And so what?

So what?

I can enjoy another
mortal pleasure.

When you've saved
enough on bargains,

you're entitled to splurge.

Now, that's really fun.

Uh-oh.

I'll never make it. Make what?

I have a fitting
upstairs this afternoon,

and I can't do that
and the marketing too.

And the chops are on special.

I'd love to help you, Samantha.

Chops.

Butcher-haggling just
doesn't appeal to me.

But I could fill in on
the dress-fitting, though.

You don't mean...?

I do.

Oh, Mother, you wouldn't.

I mean, you couldn't, not
here in front of all these people.

Ah, you know how
subtle I can be.

Stiglem, staglem, sticks!

Well?

What do you think?

I think my voice has changed.

Not even your dressmaker

will know for sure.

Is that better?

Much.

Where do I go?

Fourth floor.

There we are.

Oh!

Helen!

Excuse me, uh, do
you have the time?

One thirty.

Oh, that's exactly what I have.

May I buy you a
drink to celebrate?

You should be ashamed
of yourself, sonny.

I saw the whole thing.

What?

I saw the whole
thing, Mrs. Stephens.

Honestly! The nerve
of some people.

Well, uh, did you
find your mother?

Yes.

I know exactly where she is.

Good.

I'd like to meet her sometime.

Really?

That would be a thrill for you.

She's marvelous.

A thoroughly fascinating woman.

Yes.

Bye.

Well, hello there.

Hello.

How have you been?

Just fine.

And you?

Only fair.

But now that I've met you,

things are bound to get better.

My name is Bob Frazer.
Robert E. Frazer Jr.

I think I just met Senior.

Oh, yeah.

How is old Dad?

His watch works,

otherwise he's a little rusty.

Crude too, I bet.

Probably offered to
buy you a drink right off.

And of course, I
would have said no,

even if I hadn't been
going for a dress-fitting.

I'm terribly embarrassed.

I favor my mother's
side of the family.

Perhaps after your fitting

I could buy you a cup
of tea to make amends.

Oh.

Hello.

You're under arrest for
not reading my latest novel.

Bob! Where you been?

I thought you were
gonna drop by the office

the minute you hit town.

My publisher had other ideas.

I'm stuck here at
Blighton's department store,

autographing books.

Say no more. I get the picture.

And you met this
beautiful young thing.

You're not coming
by at all, right?

Affirmative. But don't fret.

If she has a
friend, I'll fix you up.

Oh, thanks,

but I don't think my
wife would approve.

You took the plunge,
poor old buddy?

Affirmative. And I
want you to meet her.

How about dinner tomorrow night?

Well, uh, can I call you?

If I have any
luck with this girl,

I may not make it until Friday.

Oh, make it any time at
all, and bring her along.

Thanks, old buddy. Talk to you.

Bye.

Hmm!

Oh, it's stunning.

Stunning!

Do you really think so?

Oh, yes. I only wish
I had your figure.

So do I.

But the back, it's
so conservative.

Well, I don't know.

I suppose it could
be lowered a smidgen.

I think that would help.

And why don't
we lower the front,

say, two smidgens?

I'll get the seamstress.

I'm so glad you're not
one of these women

who dress for other women.

Oh! I take it you're
a two-smidgen man.

I haven't found a thing,

but I see you have.

Yes. And I wasn't looking.

Is she a friend of yours?

I hope not.

You're my kind of girl.

I may pattern the heroine
of my next book after you.

You're a writer?

You sound like my publisher.

I write historical romances
which the clever public ignores.

If you're not careful,

I just may present you

with an autographed
copy of Helen of Troy.

Oh, I read that.

Oh!

Well, I hope you won't
hold it against me.

It was very amusing.

Of course, Helen
was nothing like that.

She had a face that would have
sunk ships, not launched them,

and knock-kneed.

You must have
loved studying history.

Living it was more fun.

Yes?

Well... Well, perhaps you
could help me with my research.

How are you on the Borgias?

The things I could
tell you about Lucrezia.

Well, I wish you would.

Let's have dinner
and talk about it.

Well...

why not?

Hello?

Hi, sweetheart. How are you?

Fine.

You sound like
you're working late

and you won't be
home for dinner.

No, I'll be there.

I just called to tell you I
got in touch with Bob Frazer.

Do I know him?

Uh, he's the writer,
my old buddy.

You remember? I
told you about him.

Oh, yes.

Seems the minute he hit town,

he got involved with
some raving beauty.

I asked him to bring her
along, but he had other ideas.

Good.

The last thing we need in
this house is a raving beauty.

Correction, my love:
another raving beauty.

That's sweet.

Oh, honey, I tried to get
in touch with you earlier.

Where were you?

I was shopping for
bargains with Mother.

Mother.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

As a matter of fact, it was.

She's been very
helpful and sweet lately.

You have wonderful
hands, Samantha.

Hmm!

And the longest
lifeline I've ever seen.

It runs in the family.

You should see my mother's.

Shall we drink to her?

Well, why don't we?

She's a marvelous woman.

You're quite a woman, Samantha.

You combine the
wisdom of the ages

with all that's
modern and swinging.

If you're ever up
against it, Bobby,

you can always
write fortune cookies.

Abner...

Oh!

Now, don't blame me.

My cookie said to
be more affectionate.

Mine says, "Beware
of chance meetings."

Ugh!

Hello?

Hi, sweetheart. Bob just called.

He can't make it
to dinner tonight.

Oh?

Why not?

Well, he and this new
girlfriend he just met

made a killing at the track.

They're going out to celebrate.

She's sensational.

Sensational-looking?

I don't know. I
haven't seen her.

But you think she's sensational?

Well, Bob's been
raving about her.

Besides, she
sounds like my type:

blond hair, green eyes,
crazy turned-up nose.

Sounds like me.

Exactly. That's my type.

I'll see you tonight.

Bye, sweetheart.

Oh! Guess who, darling.

Stop that! What are you doing?

Oh, sorry. Wrong ear.

Say, what's the matter, honey?

Did you get out of
bed on the wrong side?

Which side of the
bed I get out on

is nobody's business
but my husband's.

Your who?

My husband's.

And if you don't leave me alone,

I'm gonna report you
to the management.

Well, you didn't tell
me you were married.

Not that it would've
made any difference,

but you should have
told me, Samantha.

You know me?

Well, I thought I did.

I thought I knew all week,

ever since we met
here a few days ago.

We met... here?

Yes.

You were trying on
that marvelous dress

with the, uh... Uh...

Don't you think you
ought to explain a little?

Well, you see...

Um, uh...

If you did know me, it
wasn't me you knew.

Darling, that doesn't
make any sense.

Yes, I... I could
explain all this to you.

But it would just be
even more confusing.

Let's just pretend
it never happened.

Goodbye.

Well... Samantha,
wait! Samantha!

Mother.

Mother, I want to talk to you.

What can I do for you, dear?

For a start, you
can stop being me.

Wha...? Whatever do you mean?

Never mind the innocent act.

Your boyfriend just
nuzzled both my ears.

Oh! He is an
affectionate rascal.

Mother, how could you?

Oh, it was easy.

And we did start out to
have such a nice rapport.

Well, it's over.

A thing like this could
lead to complications.

Besides, it isn't fair to him.
Mortals are very vulnerable.

Now, I want your promise
that you'll never see him again.

But we have a lunch date!

Mother!

Well, I wouldn't have to eat.

I could just say goodbye.

No, Mother, absolutely not.

Well, I don't see any harm

in a simple "Goodbye,
Bobby Frazer. It's been fun."

Bob Frazer?

I call him Bobby.

He's a writer.

Have you heard of him?

Heard of him?

He's a friend of Darrin's.

Oh, dear.

It's a bit of a sticky
wicket, isn't it?

Sticky?

Oh, Mother, how could you
have picked him, of all people?

I didn't pick him. He picked me.

I mean, you. Or, uh, us.

He's coming here
for dinner tonight.

Maybe I could phone
him and discourage him.

He doesn't
discourage easily, dear.

Did you tell him
you were married?

Yes.

Well, it helps.

Helps what?

Well, I'll simply keep
my lunch date with him

and tell him I love my husband.

Or your husband, that is.

He'll behave himself.

You think it'll work?

It'll have to.

Unless you have a better idea.

Only one.

What's that?

Murder.

I was afraid after that incident
in the store this morning

that you wouldn't come.

What incident?

When I kissed you on the ear.

Oh, how sweet.

At the time, you
didn't seem to think so.

Oh, well, I'm very
unpredictable.

Don't let it bother you.

Bother me? It's
driving me crazy.

Bobby, there's
something I have to say.

Oh, this business about
your husband again.

Yes.

Look, darling, we're adults.

You don't have to
draw me a picture.

I've written this
scene a hundred times.

I doubt it.

Your marriage didn't work out,

you don't know what you
ever saw in your husband,

you didn't want to tell me

because you were
afraid how I'd take it.

Now, isn't that true?

Not exactly.

Now, please don't feel guilty.

We've just had four
marvelous days together.

And tonight I want
to introduce you

to my friend Darrin Stephens.

I'm dying for you two to meet.

Oh, I'll be there. Good.

With Darrin.

He's my husband.

Boy, there's a weird
echo in this place.

I thought you said
Darrin was your husband.

I did.

Ours was just an
innocent little flirtation,

but it's gone far enough.

I only kept this luncheon date

to explain things

and urge you not to mention
any of this to my husband.

On one condition.

Anything.

Look me in the eyes and tell me

that Darrin Stephens is the
most wonderful man in the world.

Please! Not while I'm eating.

Um, could you rephrase that?

Tell me I don't mean anything
to you, that you love him.

Who?

Your husband.

Must I?

"I love Darrin
Stephens." Say it.

I... love... Darrin Stephens.

Not very convincing.

Promise you won't
say anything tonight.

Not a word.

Abner, come here!

What is it?

That man, he's
at their front door.

With flowers!

Maybe he's a florist.

Honey, you're
gonna love this guy.

Hi, old buddy! Bob!

Ha-ha! I've finally made it.

Well, come on in. Come on in.

Gee, it's good to see you.

I'd like you to meet my wife.

Sam, Bob. Bob, Sam.

Funny, I feel like I
already know you.

Oh, how nice.

Excuse me. I think I'll
go put these in water.

Well, how about a drink? We
got a lot of catching up to do.

Yeah, I'll say.

How would you feel

if I invited one of my
boyfriends to dinner?

Fine. Just make sure
he can play pinochle.

Well, what do you
think of Samantha?

Isn't she something?

She certainly is.

Darrin, I... I promised
I wouldn't do this,

but, uh, it's important.

I've got to talk
to you privately.

Well, uh, talk.

Oh, well, I don't quite
know how to say it, but, uh...

I guess the best thing
is to come out with it.

The girl I met,

the one I was telling you about.

Yeah?

I think I'm falling
in love with her.

Oh, Bob, that's wonderful!

Yes, but the problem
is she's married.

Ooh! That makes it rough.

Worse yet, I know her husband.

Oh, he's a great guy.

Does he know
what's been going on?

No.

I think I should
tell him, don't you?

By all means.

Oh, I'm so glad you
feel this way, Darrin.

You see, the girl I'm in
love with is Samantha.

So, um... So I'm telling you.

What's so funny?

You are, you dog. You
haven't changed a bit.

You're still pulling the same
old corny practical jokes.

I'm not joking.

I've been dating
your wife for a week.

That's great. I
hope you enjoyed it.

Honey, why don't you
tell me about you and Bob?

He told you?

I'm sorry, darling. I had to.

Darling?

Darrin, I'll explain later.

You'll explain now.

Don't... Don't bully
her. You stay out of this!

Darrin, it wasn't Bob's fault.

It was Mother's.

Nobody thinks any less
of your mother than I do,

but let's not try and
hang this on her.

How did your mother...?
Why don't you shut up?

With magic. Ma...

I think we'd better talk.
Come on. This way.

Excuse us.

All right, explain yourself.

You won't like it, Darrin.

I want the whole
story. Straight.

I had to be in two
places at once,

so Mother volunteered
to double for me.

That's when she met Bob.

She met Bob?

Then it really is Endora?

Afraid so, darling.

This is ridiculous.

How am I going to tell him

he's fallen in love
with my mother-in-law?

Well, did you decide anything?

Bob, it's all straightened out.

You mind telling me how?

After all, I got a pretty
important stake in this.

Well, uh, it was all a joke.

A joke?

What was so funny
about Staten Island?

Staten Island?

I wouldn't know.

Oh! Well, then, who would?

I would, Bobby.

Oh!

Oh, ho!

Talk about putting somebody on!

Identical twins.

I should've guessed.

Of course you should.

Anyone can see
I'm much prettier.

I'd better start dinner.

Need help?

Thanks.

Oh, I've gotta hand
it to you, old buddy.

When you arrange a double date,

you really arrange
a double date.

Goodbye, Darrin.
It's been great.

Thanks a lot for a
marvelous dinner.

Well, come again anytime.

How about tomorrow?

That's not such a good idea.

No, tomorrow's bad for us.

Me too. I'm flying up to
Boston in the morning.

He flies too.

Isn't that marvelous?

Goodbye, Donald.

Phew!

They're leaving!

Together!

Who?

Mrs. Stephens and that man.

Well, it's one thing to neck
in a Chinese restaurant,

but when she brings him
right into her own home!

Gladys, will you stop?

That woman is shameless,

and I'm gonna do
something about it.

I'm going to bed.

If I were running
around like that,

wouldn't you want to be told?

Yes, and soon.

I've known Bob since college

and I've never seen
him fall like that.

I guess she's his type.

Did your mother promise
to give up her masquerade?

Mm-hm.

Can you trust her?

She gave me her solemn oath.

I just hope it doesn't
break Bob's heart.

He'll get over it.

Mr. Stephens, your wife has...

Your wife!

Your wife!

Your wife!

I guess it was
nothing important.