Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 3 - Through Rose Colored HAZMAT Suits - full transcript

This is my daughter, Rose.

Her mom ran off to Africa
a few years ago...

to go save the world.

Here's what I do
whenever I get mad about that.

I love you.

I love you too, Daddy.

I'm a dad, and I have a job.

And I really like keeping
those things separate, but today I can't.

It'll just be for a day or two...

until I can line up
some after-school child care.

- Our nanny's been out sick.
- Again.



We think she may be pulling a fast one.

You think she's pulling a fast one.
I think she's just sick.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, I'd take Rose with me...

but I'm working on a project
that's not exactly kid friendly.

It's no problem.

At Veridian Dynamics, we love children.

- Rose, do you like to paint?
- Yes.

Then you are a lucky girl.
Because this morning...

we're going to be painting white lines
in the parking structure.

Uh, the kids paint the parking lot?

Not the whole parking lot. Just the lines.

- But still, that seems a little-
- Innovative? It is.

At Veridian Dynamics,
we're molding the children of today...



into the workers of tomorrow.

Sweetheart, it's not break time yet.
Back to your bench.

You're gonna stay with me today.

But who's gonna paint the parking lot?

Sometimes it's better
not to think about things.

Ted. As you know,
we've been having a problem...

with false contamination alarms
going off downstairs in the lab.

Until we get to the bottom of it...

well, the company was wondering, well-

Since everyone putting on
their hazmat suits is so time-consuming...

maybe we could just not
have them do that anymore.

You want people to not put on their hazmat
suits when they hear an alarm?

- If it's a false alarm.
- And how would we know that?

Because they're practically all false alarms.

You're not gonna do this. I can tell.

No.

By the way, I'm just curious. Did you even
notice I have my daughter with me today?

I look at people's eyes when I talk to them, Ted,
not at their waists.

- Hello, sweetheart.
- Hello.

We're having a child-care problem.

Oh. Have you checked out Veridian day care?

Apparently several of the janitorial staff
came up through there. They rave about it.

Uh, yeah, I'm just a little overprotective,
you know, since, uh...

her mom left.

Oh, sad.

Well, you're always welcome here,
daughter ofTed.

- Rose.
- I know her name.

- Rose's name.
- You know, sweetheart, sometimes your father-

- Ted.
- I know everyone's name.

Once we determine
the type of delivery system...

we examine the drop radius
to target point ratio.

This is why I was worried
about having Rose with me.

Right now we're talking
about a deadly new weapons system...

but in a kid-friendly way.

Next, we looked at what would happen
if we dropped the-

- Bunny.
- bunny...

from an airplane at 30,000 feet.

You dropped a bunny from an airplane?

Of course not. Why would we do that?

It's not a real bunny, sweetheart.
It's just a word we're using.

Go on.

At that altitude, the bunny would-

- Cuddle.
- cuddle everyone within a two-mile radius.

Within four miles, people would be...

snuggled so badly...

they would have to be hospitalized
with severe burns.

And that's why bunnies make bad pets.
The end.

Thank you, everyone. For those of you
not sure of what's happening...

we'll have this meeting again tomorrow.

- Don't take those down to the lab.
- Why?

Because you'll leave them
in your pocket like you always do.

Now, see? That's more than you took.

I don't even want to know how long
you've been carrying those extra ones around.

- So Lem's your boss now?
- Wha-What? No. Lem's not my boss.

- We're equals.
- Why would you think that?

I guess because of the way
he was telling you what to say and do.

Well, you're wrong, because we're equals.

Total equals. So good-bye.

I was so busy trying to protect Rose from work...

I didn't think to protect work from Rose.

Can you hand me a clean dropper, please?

You got it, boss.

I knew you wouldn't
be able to let that go.

Not again.

That's happening, like, twice a day now.

Okay, look. Obviously Rose
was seeing something, Lem.

Well, I don't know what,
because I'm not bossy.

Maybe sometimes you are.

And maybe it would be helpful
if you could just admit that.

Okay, fine. Maybe sometimes
I'm a little bossy.

- Happy now?
- So even you see it.

God, how did I let this go all these years?

Isn't that cool?

We're not supposed
to throw things at our computers.

See, they even sent a memo about it.
That's what gave me the idea.

What is this stuff anyway?

Something we invented
for a line of diet foods.

Yuck. People are gonna eat this?

Well, not knowingly.

Hey, beautiful.

Beautifuls.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Daddy.

And I'm just never calling you that again.

So, thank you for keeping an eye on her.

I had, uh, that thing. You know-

Gas?

I know what the kids today like.

Seriously, Linda. Thank you.

Seriously. I had a great time.

Here, Daddy. I drew this for you.

Oh, thank you. It's, uh-

It's beautiful, honey.
Me, you and Linda- all holding hands.

Kids. God's little awkward moment machines.

Um, so you're-you're leaving?

I'm meeting my ex-boyfriend for coffee.

Oh. I didn't know you had an ex-boyfriend.

I have tons of ex-boyfriends, Ted.

Well, not tons, but many.
A few. Just the right amount.

Anyway, Don's just returned from Paris...

and he wants to get back together, so-

Oh. Oh, uh- Do you?

I'm not sure yet.

Do you have a problem with that?

No.

Yes, you do.

- Oh, come on. At least have a problem with it.
- Okay, maybe.

You don't have a right to have a problem
with it. You're the one that blew me off.

"I'm Ted. I used up my office affair with Veronica,
so I can never have another one again. "

And, yes, that is what you sound like.

I run the department. I can't afford to-

No, it's fine. I totally get it.
I gotta go.

I gotta go meet Don
at the Who Cares What People Think Caf?...

where if someone sees something
that they want, they just have it...

and it's the best thing they've ever had...

because that meal's
been practicing yoga for seven years.

In case you missed it,
by "that meal," I mean me.

I'm bad at metaphors, but I'm great at sex.

- Bye, sweetie.
- Bye, Linda.

Oh, Ted. Phil and Lem are having
trouble with the prototype.

Get down to the lab
and see what's going on.

I can't go now.
I have to watch Rose.

I can wash Rose.

I said watch her, not wash her.

Hmm. Even easier.

The fact that you thought I was
gonna go wash Rose right now...

makes me think you may not know
that much about children.

I know they need to be cleaned.

Ted, have I ever failed at anything? No.

But you will if you don't go down to the lab.

Honey, I'm sorry. I can't take you.

There's a lot of dangerous stuff down there.

It's okay. Veronica looks friendly enough.

Thank you. I am friendly enough.

Come on, sweetie.

You have the most beautiful skin.

I wish there was a way
I could peel it off your face...

and attach it to mine.

Oh, and then you'll grow new skin
and like it just as much.

Veridian Dynamics.

We're a family, just like yours.

But we don't waste our time
throwing leaves around.

We put our family to work.

We mean real work, notjust eating mush.

Our Veridian Dynamic family
works for every member of your family...

even the dead ones...

and we're working to bring them back...

and copy them in case you lose them again.

We love our family...

which is why we work nights,
weekends and major holidays.

Because that's when families
should be together.

Veridian Dynamics.

Family. Yay.

- I'm bored!
- Not me.

Okay. Do you want me to tell you
that joke again? About the monkey.

I didn't really get it.

Well, you have to know
what stock options are.

I know.

But even when you explained it,
it still wasn't funny.

Yes, it was.

Here.

Go over there and study this book.

The Art of War?
I don't wanna read this.

Trust me. Your enemies are reading it.

Veronica?

- Mr. Campbell.
- Turns out two idiots set off the contamination alarm.

They are from your department.

What kind of a shop are you running?

Ah. Sorry. There's a child here.

Hi, sweetie.

I'm sorry if I was a little excitedjust then.

This is Rose.

She's very young and hates yelling.

Oh. Well, I certainly
wasn't yelling at you, Rose.

There was yelling. That's all she knows.

Rose, darling. Come over here
so I can see that you're all right.

Don't be afraid, dear.

- Go ahead.
- I'm done.

Just take care of it, please.

I have a granddaughter your age.

You are very effective at getting people
to control their emotions.

That is a huge asset.

Um, thank you?

Yes. "Thank you" is correct.

Hey, guys. Veronica said there's a problem.

Yes. A child-your child-

thought I was Phil's boss,
and nothing's been the same since.

For such a tiny person,
she sure wreaks a lot of havoc.

Yeah. Well, don't worry. We've worked it out.

As everyone knows, Lem is inherently bossy.

But we've made an adjustment
and are now taking turns being in charge.

So to continue, I've worked out
a series of equations-

Which are totally useless.

- Let me guess. Now Lem's boss.
- For 10 unbearable minutes.

Through trial and error, we figured out
that's the longest amount of time...

either of us could be boss
before Phil turns into a complete jackass.

Keep talkin', buddy. In nine minutes,
there's going to be a new sheriff in town.

Okay. I think I see the problem here.

And the problem's solved.
So show me the prototype.

You and Hal were setting off
those contamination alarms just for fun?

I'm sorry, Jerry, but we're
gonna have to let you go.

- I know what I did was wrong. I'm
sorry. I don't know why- - Please.

There's a child here.
Just pull yourself together.

Oh, right.

- What is she doing here anyway?
- That's not relevant.

The point is she's a child, and she's here.

Sorry.

It's okay. I cry too sometimes.

Thank you for your composure.

You may go now.
And send in your partner.

I don't know how many firings
you've been involved in, but that went great.

- This was my first.
- Hmm. You'd never know it.

I bet the next one would go
even smoother if you did it.

You want me to fire someone?

You're hesitating.

Don't ever hesitate, sweetheart.
You're either in or you're out.

Well, my dad is always telling me
not to be afraid to try new things.

Then you have his blessing.

You two seem to be
playing well together now.

Finish this. I'm gonna go
back upstairs to Rose.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

You're back early.

- Everything all right with the ex?
- He adores me, Ted.

That's the only way you should interpret
how long I've been out.

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Sure.

Hey. Uh, Lem, I got a question for you.

You've had a few office affairs, right?

Yeah. I've been all
up and through this place.

Two. He's had two.
And they nearly killed him.

Hide me! Hide me!

It's part of a fun thing I'm doing.

Oh, okay! Hey, no, no.
Why do you have to be this way?

Look, I told you- I told you it's only you.
Okay, it's only you!

Hey, baby. I was looking for you.

You should read the minutes
from that meeting.

So you'd advise against
multiple office affairs?

Who said that?

It's not that I don't trust you.

Okay, it's that I don't trust you.

We're not children, Ted.

Okay. You have seven minutes
and 40 seconds left.

Good. ?Viva Lem!

- I've really gotta get back upstairs to Rose.
- I'll be quick.

I just wanted to say sorry I gave you
a hard time earlier about my boyfriend...

and how incredibly bendable I am.

That's okay. It's not like that's the only
thing I've been thinking about since-

Oh, God!

- I've never been down here for one of these!
- I'm sure it's a false alarm.

We're not liquid, so that's a good sign.

- Still, it'd be nice to get to one of those.
- Oh.

Um, keep-

Where's the other hazmat suit?

I don't know, but it is now-

your problem.

So, boss, what do we do?

There it is.

Don't worry.

- It's safe.
- Now what?

- You take it.
- But- But what if it's not a drill?

Don't argue with me, Lem.
I am your boss, and I order you to take it.

- But you're the best boss I've ever had.
- Likewise.

What if we took too long to put these on?

You were the one blocking the closet.

I'm not blaming anyone. I'm just saying,
what if there really were a contamination?

We could both be dead in a half an hour.

What if this is the last thing I ever do?

The last conversation I ever have.

The last horrible outfit I ever wear.

I'm sure it's just a false alarm, Linda.

The last eyes I ever look into.

I can't think of nicer eyes to look into.

Oh, Ted.

Linda.

The hell with it.
It's probably a false alarm anyway.

Well, now I'm feeling all self-conscious...

like I'm being pressured
to take off my helmet.

No, no, no, no. I mean, you know...

why take the chance?

Hey, guys.

- How many people have to die today?
- We're in lockdown!

Relax. It's another false alarm.

Jerry and I have been setting 'em off.

I just wanted more break time,
and he went along with it because he's weak.

You know, Hal, I can't just let that go.

Neither could your daughter.
She fired me.

My daughter fired you?

Rose? About yea tall?

- Hates broccoli?
- That's the one.

I have to get upstairs.

I'm sorry you got fired, Hal.

Nah, it's cool. She did a great job.

Hey, Ted.

Who was in charge when this happened?

No one. We decided to be a team again.

- We thought of this together.
- Ah.

Now the trick is to get it super tight.

You see? Power hair.

Feels weird.

It'll stop after a few years.

- Come on, sweetie. Time to go.
- But we're having fun.

Veronica's teaching me what it's like
to be a woman in a man's world.

She has a gift, Ted.
You should've seen how cleanly she fired Hal.

Yes, I heard. Uh, say good-bye, Rose.

Good-bye, Veronica. I had a good time.

Me, too, sweetie. Oh, I'll miss you.

You are a very useful little girl.

Do you have a card or something
you could leave me?

Rose coming to work with me yesterday
made me realize two things.

One, a multinational corporation
is no place for a child.

- Thank you.
- I'm learning a life skill.

I also realize
my "one office affair" rule...

is a rule I can no longer live by.

I like Linda. Rose likes Linda.

We went about as far
as two people could go in hazmat suits.

I'm ready to take the gloves off.

And the helmet... and the plastic pants.

But that's crazy.
I'm not calling you crazy, Miriam.

I'm saying it's crazy.

Miriam in Payroll...

is counting my time during
the contamination alert as break time...

because technically I wasn't working.

Miriam.

Miriam. Miriam! I hate Miriam.

I gotta go find her.
Do you know where she is?

Uh, India.

See, this is exactly the kind of thing
that makes me want to-

You ever just wanna run away?

Oh, sure. Yeah, everyone
feels like that sometimes.

No. I mean really- take off.

Here, look at this.

My mom owns this cabin in Oregon.

And sometimes when things get crazy...

like I come close to death in the lab
or I talk to Miriam in Payroll...

I think maybe I should just
take off and go live there.

Oh, it's so beautiful.

There's this lake, and it's freezing.
But it's, like, in a good way-

As Linda went on about leaving,
I realized something else.

Yes, she was beautiful and funny
and extremely bendable.

But as a single dad,
I had to think about my daughter first.

Rose already had her mom abandon her.

I couldn't bring someone else
into her life...

who might abandon her again.

And this is Gabby. He lives in a cave nearby.

He makes his own pasta,
which is incredibly hard to do in a cave.

Linda. Um, listen, ab-about yesterday.

Yeah. How about that, huh?

It- It can't happen.

What?

It's- It's just not something I can do now.

- I'm sorry.
- Fine. Good.

It clarifies things.

Don's been wanting to know where he stands,
and he's a great guy.

And by great, I mean he doesn't
make out with me through Plexiglas...

and then back off when I'm standing
right in front of him.

- I know. I-I just-
- Just go.

Sometimes it's hard to juggle being a dad
with work and relationships.

But at the end of the day, I gotta be a dad.

Even if sometimes... it really hurts.

Well, they're all very cute.

But do you have one with curls?

You know, the kind you just
can't say no to?

Sorry. It's just what you see.

But we do get new ones in every day.

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