Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 2 - Heroes - full transcript

The after affects of Phil's unsuccessful freezing begins to frustrate not only Ted and Veronica, but also Lem, as Phil's screeching outbursts become more frequent and annoying. This does not help after Phil's ego is boosted with a below-zero award given to him. Meanwhile, Ted continues to deal with Linda, whose kleptomania of office supplies and half-and-half creme begins to put a toll on their increasing relationship.

Veridian Dynamics.

We're the future of food...

developing the next generation of food
and food-like products-

tomatoes the size of this baby...

lemon-flavored fish...

chickens that lay 16 eggs a day...

which is a lot for a chicken...

organic vegetables
chock-full of antidepressants.

At Veridian Dynamics...

we can even make radishes
so spicy that people can't eat them...

but we're not,
because people can't eat them.

Veridian Dynamics.

Food. Yum.

When you run a research
and development department...

for one of the largest
companies in America...

every day brings exciting
new problems waiting to be solved.

- Ted.
- Veronica.

- How are you?
- I'm fine. Why?

- I was just seeing what small talk might look like.
- Oh, well, usually you-

Please stop. I feel like
I just pissed away my day.

We have a problem.

The food division just told me...

that the Extra Fun Mac and Cheese...

I'm supposed to be presenting
to the shareholders...

causes blindness if eaten
more than twice a week.

Plus, no matter how long
it's cooked, it never gets hot.

Maybe it's not mac and cheese.

Oh, no. It has to be.
They've already designed the box.

Anyway, I need a new food
product I can unveil next week.

Something splashy, sexy.
The opposite of small talk.

Okay. Well, I'll- I'll see what we have.

Your hair looks nice like that, by the way.

- Huh?
- Small talk.

Oh. I liked it that time.

This is Linda.

She's great.

But sometimes she gets
frustrated working here.

Which is understandable.

So we looked at what we have
in the pipeline...

and the only food product
that's close to ready...

is Lem and Phil's project-
beef grown without cows.

Beef without cows? I'm listening.

We take bovine cells and, surrounding them
in a bed of rich nutrients...

grow them into fully developed
cow tissue, or "beef. "

- Cowless meat grown in a lab.
- I just said that.

- I'm explaining it.
- No, you're repeating it.

No, Lem. I'm-

That's something Phil's been doing a lot of lately.

The company's legal department has come up
with a few theories as to why it's been happening.

One idea is Phil may have been traumatized...

by burning his finger
on a chicken pot pie.

Another theory is that
it's an old football injury.

Personally, I think it's because the company...

tried to cryonically
freeze him for a year...

and then accidentally
thawed him out a few days later.

Did I do it again?

Yes. It seems like
it may be getting louder.

How did I get wet?

No one knows. Perhaps you urinated.

In my face?

Sorry I'm late.

The new bathroom towel dispenser
is an incredible jerk.

We're talking about growing meat
in the lab, without cows.

Oh, that's creepy.


Oh, I see. We're doing that.

Yes, we are, and we have
five days to make it happen.

Clean yourself up.

At least meat grown in a test tube
doesn't feel pain.

Please tell me it doesn't feel pain.

- We don't think so.
- Yeah. Although interestingly, it does respond to music.

Lately there's been a little tension...

in Phil and Lem's relationship.

Once again, your attempt
to feed the meat blob...

is being hindered
by your ridiculous use of mittens.

- Sometimes my hands get cold in the lab.
- 'Cause you froze yourself.

Could we not talk about that for one day?

Fine. I'll feed the meat blob.

Blobby- Like Bobby, only with an "L."

Don't name it or you won't want to eat it.

- Remember Chester the carrot?
- Yeah.

I miss him.

You're stealing more creamer?

It took me 20 minutes
to dry my hands this morning...

so I am owed 20 minutes of creamer.

- And how much is that?
- It's an infinite amount.

I know it doesn't make sense...

but this small act of rebellion
keeps me sane, calm.

- There's no creamer down the hall. Do you-
- No!

You want me to be calm, don't you?

I- I- I do.

I really do. When does that start?

- We should stop smiling at each other.
- I know.

I wish you didn't have your stupid
one office affair rule...

and that you hadn't used
your one office affair so stupidly.

And I wish you hadn't called me stupid
twice in one sentence...

but here we are.

It's just-Veronica.

- Well, it doesn't matter who it was with-
- Linda.

I have to get back to work.

I don't see the appeal, but whatever.

Why is there never any creamer?

Ants. No, ghosts. No. I don't know.

I have a problem, Ted.

Legal is worried that Phil
might think his annoying outbursts...

are connected to our
allegedly freezing him.

We didn't allegedly freeze him.
We froze him, like a human leftover.

Legal says we don't know for sure...

what that chamber was
that he entered willingly.

The latest theory is that he may have been
attempting to perform a magic trick.

Oh, yeah. That magic trick where
the company freezes him.

The point is, they are not comfortable...

with him working on new projects until we
know he's not gonna sue us...

for whatever did,
or probably did not, happen.

But without Phil,
this meat project isn't gonna happen.

But I need the meat project.

- Then you need Phil.
- But we can't use Phil.

- Then you can't have the meat project.
- But I need the meat project.

- Then you need Phil.
- But I can't use Phil.

- You prefer this to small talk?
- Why does it have to be Phil?

Can't we just give this
to another team of lab drones?

Veronica, Phil and Lem
are the best scientists we have.

Hey, Phil, would you take a look at this?

It's true.
Together, there's nothing those guys can't do.

They pioneered retinal scan technology-

- Nice!
- Yeah.

- Lem? Eyes?
- developed the next generation of pepper spray.

Oh, yeah.

They're even the best dancers
at the Christmas party.

Fine. They're the best. But we can't use them
because we can't use Phil.

- And don't say I can't have the meat.
- Okay. How about this?

Instead of putting Phil out to pasture...

why don't we try to make him
feel good about what he did?


Because- Help me.

Phil did something that no one else ever
has. That took courage.

If we help him realize he's a hero-
which he is-

he might look at
the experience more fondly.

Plus, he's a good guy.
It's the right thing to do.

- I'm still not-
- Then he won't sue the company.

Fine. We'll honor Phil.

But he owes me.


The next day we honored Phil...

because it was the right thing to do-

and because a happy scientist...

is a non-suing,
cowless-meat-making scientist.

And so for bravely pushing back
the boundaries of science...

on behalf of Veridian Dynamics,
I thank you, Phil...

and present you with our first ever
Trailblazer of the Year Award.


Never been in the executive
dining room before. It's nice.

Well, now you can have lunch
here any time you want.

- Thank you.
- For the next week.


The first syllable is"cry,"
so how great can it be? Am I right?

Anyway, I thought
if I can advance science-

What a treat.

Do you hear that noise
coming from our hero?

- That is the sound of courage,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's like an eagle screech,
and I can't hear it enough.

And neither can any of you.

What was the executive dining room like?

Oh, yes, please.
I never get tired of hearing that story.

So there are tables, right?
With legs- to hold 'em up?

Hey, do the eagle scream.

Can't just do it, Lonnie.
It has to ease out of me.

Like a bowel movement,
only louder and from his mouth.

Okay. You know what?
I am a trailblazer, Lem.

My picture is on the front page
of the company newsletter.

I am the "Below Zero Hero. "

Julie in Employee Services
asked for my autograph.

That's right, Julie,
with those breasts in front.

It's a new Phil, Lem.
You had better get used to it.

Wow. That was super aggressive.

We've got four days, Ted.
Where are we on the lab meat?

Great. I'm on my way toJerome
to have it taste tested right now.

Jerome? Isn't he still in the hospital
from the Extra Fun Mac and Cheese?

No. He got his eyesight back.

They just had to scrape some
of the extra fun off his optic nerve.

What the hell keeps happening
with the creamer?

- You have to stop stealing creamer.
- No.

- Is Blobby inside?
- Yes. And we're not calling it Blobby.

- You know, because of Chester... the carrot.
- Ohhh.

- They're going to catch you.
- That's a chance I'm willing to take.

Hi, Jerome.

- How you feeling?
- Better, thanks.

Though I still can't see green.

- What do we have today?
- You tell us.

If they catch you, they're gonna fire you.

And if they fire you, well,
you won't be here anymore.

I know, but if I stop, I feel like
I'll be giving up a piece of my soul.

Besides, when this company
eliminates cows...

those creamers are gonna
be worth a fortune.

It tastes... familiar.

- Beef?
- No.

Chicken? We'll take chicken.

What does it taste like?


Is it possible it just needs salt?

Despair-That's gonna be a challenge
for the guys writing the jingle.

We just have to redouble our efforts
and fix the problem.

That's what we do here.
If anyone can crack it, it's Phil and Lem.

Hi, guys. Oh, Ted. I don't think
I can work with Phil anymore.

We may have created a monster in the lab.

It's not a monster. It's a cyborg
that can kill without remorse.

I was talking about Phil.
What-What are you talking about?

I was also talking about Phil.

It's classified,
but it's gonna be a fantastic new tool...

if we can get it to tell the difference
between soldiers and children.

We have a Phil problem,
and that means we have a meat problem.

I can't have a Phil or a meat problem.

Bad enough I have a cyborg problem.

Stupid thing just kills
whatever's in front of it.

Yeah. Anyway, look. I think all the attention
might have gone to Phil's head.

- Now he and Lem aren't working together.
- That's it.

- I'm taking care of this myself.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Don't hurt him.
- I'm not gonna hurt him.

He has an inflated ego.
That's something I can work with.

I'm gonna save the company from a lawsuit,
get Phil back to work...

and grow me some lab meat.

And then, I'm gonna be
Trailblazer of the Year.

You know that's not a real award.

I want it.

Excuse me, fellas.
I need to borrow our hero.

- Hi, hero.
- Hi, Veronica.

Oh, I like the way you say my name.

"Veronica. "
Oh. I like the way I say it too.

Oh, I could listen to you
say your name all day.

So could I. Veronica.

Wait. I can do it better.

I don't know.
That last one was really good.

Oh, thank you, Below Zero Hero.

- Your hair looks great like that, by the way.
- You think? My wife hates it.

She's a pig.

I'm sorry. I guess I just don't
like you talking about her.

That's okay. She doesn't like me
talking about her either...

or even to her.

Hero, can I ask a favor?

Can I get your autograph?

Of course, Veronica.

Right here.

And initial here, here and here.



And date it here.

Oh, look. You just signed a waiver saying
that you won't sue the company.

Of all the pieces of paper I could've
randomly picked for you to autograph-

That is so funny.

Oh, well, hero time's over.

- Find Lem and get back to work.
- But Veronica-

Please stop saying my name.

Have you seen Phil?
Or a blood trail that could lead to Phil?

He's not here. And I'm stuck.

Maybe the meat blob's
not taking in enough nutrients.

I guess I could try and give it a mouth.

I'm gonna say no
to the meat blob getting a mouth.

Mostly because I don't want
to hear what it has to say.

Well, joke's on me. I'm not a hero.

It was all just a big show to keep me
from suing the company.

Not from me it wasn't.

Phil, I always thought what you did
was incredibly brave...

and I just wanted the company
to acknowledge that.



I guess I was exceptionally fearless.

Speaking of a meat blob with a mouth.

Okay, you know what? You have been on me
since I thawed out, and I am sick of it.

All right. Guys?

This project is far too important to
sacrifice because you two can't get along.

So let's just dissolve the partnership.

Lem, report down to the third floor.

- You team up with Ritchie and Fuzzle on this.
- Fine.

Ritchie and Fuzzle?

Their knowledge
of micro-fabrication technology...

for vascularized tissue engineering...

vis-?-vis bovine muscle protein,
is so last year.

Well, at least they don't scream
"car" every 20 minutes.

It is not "car," you idiot.
Why would I be yelling for a car?

It is just a sound that I currently
have trouble not making.

- Good-bye, Phil.
- Fine. Go. Go.

So he just goes?

Ten years of being lab partners
and he just leaves?

You know, when you agreed to be frozen,
you left him just as suddenly.

- What are you saying?
- Maybe Lem felt as abandoned as you feel right now.

Wow. You're right.

But how can I know so much
about the bonds of chemicals...

yet so little about
the bonds of friendship?

I have to stop him.

- Lem.
- You could've died!

- I'm sorry.
- Who would've been my lab partner?

- Ritchie and Fuzzle?
- Those guys?

Well, they don't know anything about
micro-fabrication technology for vascularized-

Guys! You're together.

And you have 72 hours
to make that thing taste...

like something a drunk teenager
would tip over.

Cow. I'm talkin' about cow.

I had wanted Phil to be recognized as a hero.

But what is a hero anyway?

Working together again,
the guys discovered their problem.

Real cows move around all day
and so build muscle and fat.

And that makes them delicious.

So Phil and Lem decided
the meat blob also needed exercise.

Deep tissue massage didn't help...

so other approaches were tried...

and rejected.

But one thing about heroes,
they never give up.

Sure, there may be obstacles...

people who don't share your vision...

but the important thing
is to stay focused.

Shh, shh, shh.

What is a hero?

Maybe it's just someone who comes through
when others need them to...

so that everyone can be a hero.

The meat costs $10,000 a pound...

so it's still a few years from production.

Still, Phil, the meat-

For a guy who likes to solve problems,
it's been a pretty good week.

And now I am problemless.

- What are you doing?
- I'm helping you. I'm stealing creamers.

No, you're not.
You're replacing them.

You can't do this.
This ruins everything...

and it wasn't that great
of a plan to begin with.

I was just solving a problem.
I cannot not solve problems.

But now I'd be stealing from you,
and that's not gonna help me.

So now what?

Now that you've ruined this,
how am I gonna relieve my stress, huh, Ted?

Can you think of another way?

I- I would love to help you
with that, Linda...

but I used up my office affair.

It's not like voting, Ted.

You can punch more than one ballot.

I don't want to be a guy who votes around.

Well, you've taken the creamer from me...

so now what do I do, Mr. Problem Solver?

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