Bergerac (1981–1991): Season 6, Episode 7 - Private Fight - full transcript

RETFORD: "City Skyline"...Fortunes!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS REPEATEDLY)

- Expenses at least.
- Leave it!

There's gotta be 5 grand here!

Leave it, Sammy.

He still thinks we're all in the nick...

Living each day one at a time,

I still think
it's an awful lot of trouble

just to look at some old books.

Not just old books, George -
private ledgers.

That's why they're in there, Skeletons.



I'll see you in a minute.

Yes, sir! No, sir!

Not any more, "sir"(!)

Yeah, the oil tank goes there.

Perhaps I could put a a trellis round it
and the radiators where I showed you.

What do you think?

Oh, well, there was no need to
drag me out here. I can read plans.

- Yes, I will guarantee your bank loan.
- Thank you.

With a nice little guaranteed frame

with: "Jim Bergerac
once asked for a favour."

Does Susan know about
the central heating?

No, she doesn't.

Well, it'll stick a packet
on the resale value. Is that the idea?

No, it's... Well, I don't know.
Could be.



Maybe I'm just building something
to prove I'm normal.

Come on.
I could do with a drink.

(DING)

(FRENCH ACCENT)
Ah, Mr Retford...

Good morning, sir.
Please follow me, sir.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.

- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Come in!

Thank you.

Mr Charles Hungerford, please.

Oh, I see...

Would you?
That would be most kind.

I'll call you back, then.

(VACUUM MOTOR WHIRRING)

"That needs mending with a new one,"
as my old grand-dad used to say!

I bought it second-hand.
It probably belonged to your granddad!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Yes, he's here.

It's for you.
Do you want to take it upstairs?

Hmmm. Right.

Somebody must really
want to get hold of me badly.

(CHARLIE CHUCKLING)

(VACUUM MOTOR ROARS)

Hello? Charlie Hungerford here.
Who's that and where's the fire?

(LAUGHING)

What...?

But I don't see how you could
POSSIBLY know that!

Hello?

- Trouble?
- No...

No, no. Just a bit...

unexpected, that's all.

- See you, Jim.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

Operator, I'm trying to find
a man called Johnson

and I'm getting unobtainable.

Do you have a number
for Directory Enquiries

for the car phones on the island?

You must have lunch at the Yacht Club
with me on Thursday, Susan.

- Only if you allow me to pay for it.
- You can't. You're not a member.

Mr Johnson, I personally got
the commission on this sale.

And I got the house I wanted.

End of business. This is social.
How's your policeman?

Leading a policeman's life.
I haven't had a report lately.

- Busy, I should think.
- More fool him.

What about lunch on Thursday?

Excuse me.
No snags, I trust, Miss Young?

None at all, Mr de Courcy.
And I think Mr Johnson's quite happy.

All I had to do was unpack suitcases.

Good.

Thanks for the fresh flowers on welcome

and all the goodwill booze
you left in the fridge,

you mean old bastard!

They say he's got problems.

Including the £750,000
I just gave him for his house(?)

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- Sorry, Susan.

I won't be a sec.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Hello, Johnson here...

Who?

Say again!

Lennie, where's Keith?

He knows I always visit
late in the season. Where is he?

He's had an accident, Mrs Hetherington.

He can't have. I only
talked to him two days ago!

It was a hit-and-run.
They haven't found the driver yet.

Hope you've all got your sea legs!
I'll be with you in a minute.

I expect a bit of personal attention!

I'm George Lacey.
I'll try and make it up to you, my dear.

Oh, no, my son.
It'll be my pleasure and my privilege.

Allow me, Mrs Hetherington.

That's 24 suitcases, Mr Lacey. There'll
be more coming back... There always are.

- Souvenirs.
- Oh, right.

What I would like...is to know
how you gained access...

to private ledgers 15 years old.

I was THERE. Some of the figures
are in my handwriting!

A minor cog. Then I moved.
Then I went to prison.

But once an accountant, always an
accountant, and I was a very good one.

I see.

Glad I caught you
before you left for Switzerland.

Where I'm going to die.

Retford, I've already
made my peace with God.

I'm quite prepared to make it with
extortioners, and cheap at the price.

You may not have as much luck
with anyone else you intend to bleed.

(MUSIC AND LOUD CONVERSATION)

Excuse me.

Bit early for serenades,
isn't it, Sunshine?

Just warming up.

Songs for swinging singles,
ladies and gentlemen!

And this one's for ME
because of Cynthia!

(BAND STRIKES UP)

# I've got you under my skin

# I've got you
Deep in the heart of me

# So deep in my heart

# That you're nearly a part of me

# I've got you
Under my skin... #

I'm supposed to be shepherdin' that lot.

- You're new, ain't ya?
- Fairly.

I'll keep an eye on you.
We'll stick together.

Here first, then on to The Starlight.

The place is crowded.
They drink more, we cop more!

Besides, you'll need someone
to mark your card on the local fuzz.

One of the Bureau lot's a right bastard!

What you having? He's got
a lovely voice, that bloke, hasn't he?

# I'd sacrifice anything
Come what might

# For the sake of having you near

# In spite of a warning voice
That comes in the night

# And repeats and repeats in my ear

# Don't you know, little fool,
you never can win?

# Use your mentality... #

(SINGING FADES)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Come in!

Thanks for the flowers.
And the explanation.

Fences to mend, you know?

Pimm's? You?

I just took the glass
down to the greengrocer's.

(SUSAN LAUGHS)

I got a take-away
at the Quatre Saisons.

All 5 stars of it!

Well, you wouldn't want me
to be exhausted, would you,

after slaving all day over a hot stove?

Take it. Keep the key.

No, Jim.

I'm still...always...

Still always what?

Waiting for the phone to ring.

Someone always needs a policeman
more than he needs me.

OK.

Don't let it spoil the food, eh?

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, have a look here - look, spending
money! I never thought I'd see it again!

Hold tight, hold tight!

Four notes?

And don't get flash with that!

Sammy... There's time.

Yeah, I gotcha! Yeah...sorry, Pete.

How was it?

Easy. No argument.

He's on his way
to the great tax haven in the sky.

SAMMY: What about the others?

Argument. They might just be
puffing and blowing.

Harry Johnson was a lot too quiet
for my peace of mind.

He'll take watching.

Smash and grab artist.

And that Charlie Hungerford's
a crafty old bastard.

Do you want us to leave messages?
All round?

Wouldn't harm.

JOHNSON: Just to remind me
I could've been IN it.

A real sweetheart, ain't he?

Just for looking
through some tax loopholes...

He's a lot stronger than that, Arnie.
He's got more.

Names on end-user certificates -

family trees of a few ministers
I bought north of Swazi...

- You reckon you'll have to pay him?
- I've got no option.

It's either that or the pokey!

We could shift him.

No. He'll have covered himself.
No, Arnie.

No, no. Not all the way.
I didn't say that.

Just make sure he's in pain
every time he counts the dough.

We earned it the hard way.
He can spend it the same.

JOHNSON: It's the Bailiff's
reception soon, isn't it?

ARNIE: Right. Get him an invite.

(CLOCK CHIMES)

Where are all your little redskins?

Oh, Lennie's taken them over to St Malo.

They'll come back skint!
Grasping buggers, the Frogs.

That's why Napoleon used to keep
his hand on his wallet!

(LAUGHS)

There's the bastard I was telling you
about. Down there at the flower stall.

- Bergerac!
- Oh, yeah. What about him, then?

- He's a very well-connected copper.
- Oh.

On Charlie's say-so, of course
the money will be all right, Jim.

Thanks.

I just hope you don't
want it in cash(!)

Not while I'm on duty, thank you!

- There's been quite a run just lately.
- Oh, yeah?

- Anyone I should know?
- Forget it, Jim.

Just a bank manager's
rare indiscretion.

And taken as such. Thank you.

Yes, dear.

Yeah.

No, no, no. You're quite right.

Yeah.

Yes... Yes, dear. OK. Fine.

Bye!

Actually, the only thing
that happened yesterday

was that YOU had a full day off!

We all thought you'd been kidnapped.

Well, it looks like he might have
part of today off as well.

It's...one of the Bailiff's receptions.
You know the form. Would you mind?

Oh, no! Bow tie strangling you
and a big public smile!

- Representing the Bureau.
- Bigwigs and earache.

Look, I'm not senior enough.

You'll enjoy it.
It's only five till eight.

I would go myself,
but you know how it is(!)

Yeah, I know how it is. You would go,
but Alice dissuaded you.

What a sensible woman!

What if Hungerford DOES
decide to get private?

I mean, with his own private copper
for a son-in-law.

Ex, George. Ex.
See what he does when we lean.

- Still?
- As planned, George.

What about Bergerac, though?

We can't get heavy with him.

We don't have to.
He can be neutralised.

He's a copper who's an ex-drunk.

There's no such thing as an ex-drunk.

Every morning they watch
their hands for the tremble and wonder.

Yeah. Day at a time.

And most of them develop a sweet tooth.

So...?

So, we arrange
for some exotic confectionery.

Moroccan cake mix. Giggle a bite.

- Are you with me?
- I'm with you!

Tap your new friend, the courier.
He sounds supplied.

Pure gold, my son.

So it SHOULD be - at that price.

A sky full of Cloud Nines.
Have a good trip!

- No problems, Mr Lacey.
- You done well.

Lennie, can you look after this lot
for, say, another hour?

I'd be glad to.
Keith would never let me practise.

Well, I will, son,
and I'll split half the tips with you.

Next time, I'm taking my own
disinfectant - and some wellies!

Pete says stay handy and very obvious,
And, Sammy, give the gargle a rest, eh?

I'll be all right, George.
I'll be all right.

Mr Lacey, we're all thirsty,
if you're not!

- Ready, darling! Ready when you are.
- Oh!

Dickey-bows in broad daylight.
It's obscene!

They do it at Glyndebourne.

- At least they have some entertainment.
- Get Charlie to play the piano!

- He's on the committee.
- He'll be well on his way by now.

Sit still, or you can do
your own dickey-bow!

Ha! I thought of that.
Got a made-up one on the way home!

Oh, you're really not taking things
for granted any more, are you?

I never did!

But it's still, "Love me, love my job."

That's what I do
and it's what I am, isn't it?

But it doesn't seem
as important somehow

if, you know, the bits in-between...

aren't as important as they were,
you know?

"The bits in-between."

There's lyric poetry for you!

I can't go down on one knee
in this outfit, can I?

You don't have to...
Just keep understanding.

Are you going to carry me
across the threshold?

What, and split this jacket(?)

Yes... If I have to.

(CHILDREN SHOUT AND LAUGH)

''Extend a...warm and...er...
sincere welcome...

"on behalf of the Committee

"to the distinguished judiciary
assembled here...

"extend a warm and sincere
welcome on behalf..."

"If I might be permitted
to relate a short anecdote..."

(CAR HORN HONKS)

(HORN BLARES)

Pass me, then, you daft Ada!
Next time, go to Monaco.

(HORN BLARES)

Oh, trot off, then!

(HORN BLARES)

(HORN BLARES)

(TYRES SCREECH)

(CLICKS)

(LOW-LEVEL CONVERSATION)

You should have made him
practise smiling on the way here!

I tried.

I still don't know why they
hold these things so early?

It's lawyers and politicians -
they need their sleep.

The ones I've met get it on their feet!

Excuse me... Mr Johnson...?

- How are you enjoying it?
- Very nice, thank you, Miss Young.

- It's your first one, isn't it?
- Yes. Yes, it is. Excuse me.

Not in his usual "chatting-up" mood.
Not like him.

And whatever's happened to Charlie?

He's normally the first here.

Probably some bug going around
that makes millionaires uneasy.

(LAUGHS)

- Mmmm. They look delicious!
- No, wait, wait... Dinner tonight, eh?

OK.

(PHONE RINGS)

- George...?
- Yeah.

How did it go at your end?

- Exactly according to plan!
- Great!

I'll be leaving in about 15 minutes.
Get Kline. I'll need both of you.

No, no... It was just a skid, that's all.
I was doing no speed at all.

I was practising my speech
I was too late to deliver.

Oil on the road, perhaps?

Probably seeped out of
one of those old tractors.

Some skid!

Have you been to one of these receptions
before, sir?

No. No, I haven't.

I think you'll enjoy it.

(HORN HONKS)

That's him!

This is as far as you go, pal.

You should never have asked
a friend of mine for money...

Out!

I said out.

(CHOKING AND COUGHING)

It's an accountant's world, pal.
They work things out.

(THUDDING, MAN CRIES OUT)

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYS)

You're doing very well, dear.

Slow, slow, then quick!

I am trying, Mrs Hetherington.

I know you are, dear.

Where's Mr Kline
and that George Lacey?

He's supposed to be the courier.
Oh...!

Lennie!

Go on in, sir.

(GUESTS CHATTER)

Don't tell me. Let me guess!

Excuse me. There's been some sort
of accident. Can I see you outside?

- Oh, yes?
- Come on.

There's been an accident. I've got to go
down to the hospital. I'm sorry.

Really...
Look, tomorrow...?

Lunch? Promise.

Yes, Sergeant Bergerac. Lunch tomorrow
instead of supper tonight.

LACEY: I'll have a pint, please, Sammy.

Well... About time,
I should say...Mr Lacey!

Oh, come on, Mrs H.
We were only about 10 minutes.

What? You were longer than that!
A lot longer.

We were in the other bar.

Without so much as
an "excuse me"! Charming(!)

Is that HIS alibi?

"Alibi"? What a funny word to use.

No, no, Mrs H. No.
He just wanted a few words in private.

He was asking all about you!

- Was he?
- Mm.

Oh...

Oh...er. That's different, then.

I shan't say anything.

- Not a punch-up, Mugging?
- No. Too much intent.

- GBH?
- Yes, Willy...

Grievous bodily harm.

Your card was found on him,
Mr Johnson...

- What's your connection with him?
- Friend...

- Colleague.
- Not here. Where?

- The Gulf. Zaire.
- Rough places.

Any idea what might have happened?

No, Sergeant. None at all.

Oh, well, I'll have to ask him, won't I?

Looks like being a long night.

From Sergeant Bergerac's girlfriend.

Oh, and she's sorry
they missed supper.

Look, Sergeant,
I'd had a few tubes.

I might've got a bit bolshie.
I sometimes do.

This time I lost.

Private fight.

With THAT, Mr Spivak? Come on!
Somebody has just broken your leg.

It's called "kerbside discouragement".

Foreign language to me, Sergeant.

It's very simple, though...

In the words of Jack Dempsey,
"I forgot to duck."

- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Yes?

Sorry, Charlie.

There's gotta be a reason why
you're not telling me the truth.

What reason could there be?

Because this isn't just
a straightforward punch-up, is it?

This is GBH.

And I've got all night.

Hmmmm!

I've got reasons to be quiet.
The usual disappointment, mainly.

How about you?

Oh, age, I suppose, luv.

And looking back.

Carousing with committees
has lost its charm.

You're not such a bad guy, Spivak.

Sooner or later, you're gonna
talk to me!

I've got nothing to say.

Ah! It's always good to see
conscientiousness in one SO young!

- Just in case you dozed off.
- Not a chance.

Not with the sparkling conversation
of Stonewall Matilda here(!)

You have a go.
Hey, here, take my notes.

(BERGERAC CHUCKLES)

- Wotcha?
- All right?

That won't take you long to read.

Send hirelings to the cellar!

I...will...have...more...drink!

I'm sorry, sir. We're closed.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...

Goodnight, my friend.

Let me leave you with this thought.

"The future of the world...

"is contained...in a sandwich."

Yes, sir. Extremely serious.
He's here now.

Yes, sir.

Yes. Yes, sir.

Well, you took some finding.

They told me when you tied one on
it was historic. Now, I believe them!

- Good luck.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)

(INTERCOM BUZZES)

Peggy, no calls till I tell you.

I just don't believe this.

You'd better sit down
before you fall down.

What have you got to say?

Well...?

Well...I...remember feeling a bit woozy
when I left the hospital.

It wasn't woozy...
Um... It was happy.

- You started drinking there?
- No, no.

I had a couple of cups of tea.
You know me!

I thought I did.

Then why did you leave the hospital
and booze your way across town?

It...started before I ordered
my first drink. I can remember that.

I was...floating.
It was like I was somebody else!

Oh, for God's sake. Not that one(!)
"Please, Your Honour, I'm not myself.

"Just loud-mouthed and smashing glasses."

Look at the complaints! I just
can't believe you'd do this again!

It's a bloody good job you didn't
try to drive or start a fight,

or you'd be in a cell now!

Well, I can't cover for you.

I'm declaring you unfit for duty
as of now!

The Disciplinary Committee
can decide the rest.

There!

You were very specific
in your choice of currencies.

Yes...

Then I expect you've got
all the passports to go with them(?)

Well, you should know, Charlie.
You supplied a few in your time.

Councillors,
bent planning officers a speciality!

And you with a policeman
in the family too.

Right! Crawl around the floor
and count that lot!

I'm not much, but, by God, I hope
I never stoop as low as you!

Very good, Sergeant Bergerac.
Very comfortable.

But you really should wear these.

I particularly wanted to speak
to Sergeant Bergerac.

Oh, I see.

No. No, thank you.
No-one else can help.

Not on duty. "Indefinitely"!

Mr Johnson's contribution,
and then we're home free.

I think we should scarper, Pete.

- Honestly.
- To coin a phrase(!)

What, with one of those under each arm,

leaving your happy holiday-makers
in the lurch?

Ooh, no, George.

We'll leave, waving happily at Customs,
our sticks of rock on top of the swag,

with Topluxe Tours.

Thank you very much.

If that had been straight,
you'd have reached the mainland!

That might not be
a bad idea at the moment.

You look as if you could use a rest.

What is it, Jim?

Cash... Ready money. Lots of it.

Who's drawing it out?

You know I can't tell you that.

Then don't!

I'll tell you.

Harry Johnson.

Charlie Hungerford.

You...? Drunk?
Not you - you've been there.

I was stoned before I was drunk.

High on happy weed,
and that's what tipped me into booze.

Stoned? How?

On hash brownies!
Just like at Woodstock.

Me at my age! Me in McArthur Park.
"We'll never find that recipe again."

Yes, Jim. Now, spell it out for
the really old folk who weren't there!

Cannabis resin. High quality.

Administered in an innocuous and
disguising sweet substance - chocolate!

I like chocolate. I thought Sue
had sent them round for me.

Yeah, but who'd want to do that and why?

Because of you, Charlie.

What?

They wanted to neutralise me
in case you shouted for help.

I wouldn't have done that, Jim.

But the people you're making payments to
weren't to know that, were they?

No.

But neither of us
has ever liked favours.

Right.

Now you've got the chop because of me,
so it's up to me now, isn't it?

Yes, I was making pay-outs.

I could stand up and sing - in court.

- Why would you do that?
- Family favours.

Somebody's got to set a precedent.

Why...the payments?

It was a long time ago -
demolition contracts.

The old copper, lead, tin jungle.

Two aldermen swindling the Council blind,
with ME helping them.

They got all the cash
and I kept the two sets of books.

Last week, a fellow called Retford
burgled the accountant's office.

"True Confessions" time.
It's more of an effort than I thought.

Why do you want to go solo on that?

If you're gonna sing,
let's make it a duet.

I'll get Johnson.

Tch! He's not in - answerphone!

Where's Retford staying?
Quickly, Charlie!

Now. Pick him up!

- What for?
- We'd like a reason, Sarge.

- But you won't give us one.
- Just pick him up!

It's licensed.

I noticed. I checked.

But the licence doesn't cover
its use in hotel bedrooms!

I wasn't going to.

Only cos you didn't have a chance.
You were going to shoot an extortioner.

Listen. I'm not interested
in your morality of money.

But I AM interested in people
who break other people's legs

and then Barney Crozier
kicking me off a case.

You are only first because you haven't
made your payment to Retford.

- It's no big deal.
- Why couldn't he ask me himself?

You know what he's like
about asking favours.

Come on, Peggy! What about it?

All right. Against my betterjudgement.
I like my job.

Thanks.

I'll sign the lab requisition for you,
see you have access to the 'scope.

(DOOR OPENS)

- Good morning, sir.
- Morning, guv.

Thanks, Willy.

First, it'll be extortion with menaces.
Then...we'll sort out a whole lot more.

Ta.

- We could risk being in the next cell.
- So could Charlie!

Listen, whichever of you stands up
in the witness box is just plain "Mr X".

The incriminating evidence
is not pointing to you.

No names, no pack drill.
The judge will be talking to Retford.

- And you trust him?
- I've never had reason not to.

Look, Mr Johnson,
if you're worried, I'll join you -

in the box, at the side of you.

Hell, we could even
split the lawyers' fees!

- Yes?
- Ah, Monsieur...

We need a favour.

We'd like to check on any cash
that a guest of yours may be passing.

We'd be discreet, of course.

But it might be
in the best interests of the hotel.

Very well.

Thank you, darlin'.

OK, Harry, if you say so.
A real bruiser of a bloke.

Ace at it.
The other one was medium.

He had a blazer on
with some sort of badge on it.

Would you recognise him again?

I sure would.

He couldn't really put THAT
on the bill, could he?

Thank you, Monsieur.
We'll have this checked.

This town's got more joints than
Las Vegas. There can't be any more!

- Still here, Charlie?
- Just trying to help.

KLINE: # That strips
my conscience bare

# It's witchcraft...

# And though I've no defence for it

# The heat is too intense for it

# What good would
common sense for it do?

# Cos it's witchcraft... #

The guy at the bar!

I suppose I've no alternative
but to come with you.

After that, you'll be one
very out-of-work policeman.

Now, I'm going to the bathroom.
Is that all right?

George Lacey, Topluxe Tours.
He'll be in the bar.

# My heart says yes, indeed to me... #

- You sure?
- Sure, I'm sure.

Nick him.

(PHONE RINGS)

Yeah? Yeah, he's here.

George... For you.

# But there's no nicer witch
Than y-o-o-u-u-u... #

(CUSTOMERS APPLAUD)

George...? GEORGE...?

George...?

My sergeant will be very glad
to see this!

KLINE: And now. The Nearness...

The Nearness Of You.

# It's not the pale moon... #

The other one's over there.

# That excites me...

# That thrills and delights me.
Oh, no... #

It's the nearness of ME.
YOU are nicked!

Oh, yeah?!

STOP IT! STOP IT!

Leave him alone! He hasn't
done anything! He was here!

Put me down, you silly old bat!
I'm not on holiday,

SAMMY: Move!

(CRIES)

All used and unmarked.

I wonder how far we'd get with it?

- It makes you think, don't it?
- Don't it just!

Thanks for the drink, Charlie...

And thanks for the explanation.

This time, it wasn't his fault.

It was a private fight
and he got dragged in.

I believe you, Charlie.

Goodnight, love.

I got tired of worrying
about you miles away.

Feet - convert it into feet...
Worry about me now!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

It's Barney.

Chief Inspector Crozier!

Should you be doing that?

I will tell him I was engaged
with my wine merchant.

"The true, the blushful Hippocrene.

"With beaded bubbles
winking at the brim...

"And purple-stained mouth."

- Ooh!
- (SUSAN LAUGHS)