Benson (1979–1986): Season 1, Episode 23 - The Army Wants You - full transcript

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Hold it.

Do you work here?

Unless you know
something I don't know.

Why?

Because I can't wait any longer.

Ah. Down the hall.

You misunderstood.
The time is now.

The world needs what I
have in the palm of my hand.

This is the car of the '80s.

Kind of cramped
for long trips, isn't it?



It's the scale model. Uh-huh.

Got the real car at home.

Just think of it, a car that
requires absolutely no fuel.

Hmm!

You simply

wind it up.

You got a one-ton
wind-up car at home?

Fully equipped.

Radio, heater, white-walls.

Of course the size of the key

is a big problem.

Not if you got big pockets.

You know, nobody else appreciates
what I've accomplished here.

No.



Even my friends say I'm crazy.

What are friends for?

Mr. Harmon, I
thought you'd left.

I decided to come back and
give the Governor another chance.

I'm sorry, Mr. Harmon,

the Governor doesn't have
any more available time.

(COUGHING) Oh.
Well, that's really too bad,

because the Governor is
really missing the boat...

Boat?

Of course!

Boat!

Boy, did he spring a leak!

How are you feeling, Marcy?

Oh, the way I always
do when I have the flu.

My throat's sore, my
whole body aches,

my head is throbbing
and I can't breathe.

You need relief fast,
fast, fast, fast, fast...

Knock it off.

I must look awful, too.

Yeah, you do.

Well, that's a
crummy thing to say.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.
You look much better.

Well, I don't know
how, I feel terrible.

You don't know how
lucky you are, Benson.

You're the only one of us
who didn't catch this bug.

Yeah, I get to do
twice as much work.

This is for you.

Why, it's from the Army.

Benson, this is
official business!

Could you let me see it,
Marcy? I'll give it right back.

(COUGHING)

If this is "Greetings,"

the country is in bigger
trouble than I thought it was.

(EXCLAIMS)

That's it? Hmm?

Marcy, for crying out loud.

"You are hereby
instructed to report

"to headquarters, Fort Kincaid,

"for an immediate
evaluation of your case."

(EXCLAIMS) Hmm.

Told you.

What do they mean by case?

Well, maybe they forgot
to give me the medal.

What case, Benson?

Were you court-martialed
or something?

No, but I made
private three times.

Benson, what do you
suppose they want?

I don't know, unless they're
still looking for that jeep.

(SNEEZING LOUDLY)

Governor, here are those
requisitions you asked for.

Thank you, Benson.

(SNEEZING LOUDLY)

Do you have to keep doing that?

Well, sir, I have the flu.

I know. You gave it to me.

(GRUNTING LOUDLY)

Clears my ears.

Governor, these
medicine bottles are full.

Well, I should hope so, from
what the pharmacy charged me.

No, I mean you
haven't taken any of it.

Benson, I can't stand the taste
of that stuff. I'm not gonna take it!

Hey, I didn't invent
it, I didn't prescribe it,

and I'm not your mother.

So if you don't want to
get better, don't take it.

My mother should've
put it that way.

(EXCLAIMING)

What is it, Marcy?

Well, put it on the desk!

(COUGHING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Have you talked to the
Governor about your letter?

No. I'll handle it.

What letter? Oh,
it's nothing, sir.

It's not nothing.

How can you say it's nothing?

Sir, Benson has orders
to report to the Army.

(LAUGHING)

Really?

He has what?

Well, never mind, sir.

Well, I guess they just
can't do without you.

It has something
to do with his case.

What case? Was he arrested?

Governor, whatever it is,
it's between me and the Army.

Sounds to me like it's something

between Benson
and the Army, Marcy.

I can't interfere in
anything like that.

I'm not asking you to.

Benson, we're barely able to
stay on our feet for state business

and you want us to get involved
in your personal problems?

No. I'll go down there tomorrow

and take care of it myself.

I hope you can understand
my position, Benson,

but no way!

To tell you the truth,
I'm a little surprised

that you'd ask such a thing.

Well, you can't
blame a guy for trying.

Thank you so much, Marcy.

(COUGHING)

(SNEEZING)

(GRUNTING LOUDLY)

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Sergeant.

Okay.

Can I ask you
something, Sergeant?

Take a seat.

I only got three pages to go.

Well, I don't want
to break your rhythm.

Somebody here
sent me this letter.

This looks like a mistake.

(SCOFFING) Has to be.

Is that how you
spell "immediate"?

Uh-huh.

Sergeant, what
about this letter?

Go to room 208 and
take your clothes off.

Why? Is there a party?

Hey, don't give me
a hard time, huh?

Just go up there and strip. Why?

What kind of question is "why"?

One I picked
up in civilian life.

You see, once you get out of
the Army and somebody tells you

to ram your head
through a brick wall,

you're allowed to ask why.

Well, I'm still in the Army and
I'm not allowed to tell you why.

Are you allowed
to tell me who is?

Sure. Major Burton.

Where's he at?

I don't know.
Where's his office?

Back there. Is he there?

I don't know. The door's closed.

Well, have you tried knocking?

What good would that
do if he isn't in there?

Yeah, but suppose
he is in there?

Well, if he is in there, then he
doesn't want to be disturbed.

How do you know?
Because the door is closed!

(RINGING)

Medical Company
K. Sergeant Kingsley.

Yes, sir.

Very good, sir.

Right, sir.

He's not in there.

I know. That was
him on the phone.

He won't be in for
the rest of the day.

Well, when will he be in?

BOTH: He didn't say.

Hey, I got a great idea for you.

Why don't you
come back tomorrow?

I will. Unless I don't.

But if I do and he's here,

then don't count
on me seeing him.

But if he's not here,
and I don't show up,

there's a few things
I want to tell him.

Got you.

I figured you would.

Yeah, well, you were bound to
come down with the bug some time.

Everybody else has got it.

Just get yourself well.

Don't worry about
cutting the grass.

If it gets too high,
we'll rent some buffalo.

Okay.

Feeling better, huh? Much.

Good. Then you can
go to school tomorrow.

I'll put it back.

I'm not feeling
that much better.

Yeah, sort of comes
and goes, huh?

Yeah. One minute I feel fine

and then the next
minute, for no reason,

I feel rotten again.

Like when somebody
mentions school.

I think I'll go lie down.

Look at this mess!

Oh, I don't know. You look
better than you did yesterday.

I was talking about my kitchen.

Oh, that looks better
than it did yesterday, too.

The least you could do
is clean up after yourself.

Gretchen, you didn't
have to get up to complain.

You were doing
fine from your bed.

Gretchen, you're up.
Are you feeling better?

(GROANING) Ja, a little.

(COUGHING)

I wish I could say the same. Oh?

Of course you don't
have it as bad as I do.

I think I do, Gretchen.

It's just that in my job I
have to keep working.

If you had it as bad as I do,

you wouldn't be
able to keep working.

Some of us have to
get by on raw courage.

You want raw?

You should see my throat.

Your serve.

Marcy, tell the Governor

I won't be in tomorrow morning.

Benson, I can't believe you're
gonna go back down there

without even knowing if
that major's gonna be there.

Oh, he'll be there.

Ah, Sergeant Kingsley,

this is Regimental Headquarters.

Tomorrow morning at 0900
there'll be a command inspection.

You and Major Burton are expected
to be at your desks standing tall.

Carry on.

Tea, Marcy?

Oh, thank you, Gretchen.

Listen, I'm sorry if I
was a little grumpy.

It's just that I feel terrible.

That's all right. I understand,

as I am sicker than you are.

And you always will be.

Sergeant, it's 0900.

Are you sure they're
gonna have an inspection?

I called all over the post,
sir, and everyone's denying it.

So it must be true.

Ten-hut!

Good to see you.

Hey, what are you doing?

Morse Code for open the door.

What is it? Are they here?

Who are you?

U.S. 52136045.

You can call me 5.

Ah, yes, yes. You
must be one of them.

One of them what?

Uh, one of those who
volunteered to participate

in the controlled exercise.

Volunteered?

The only voluntary
thing I did in the Army

was with a WAC and it
was far from controlled.

Sergeant, you should have
shown him up to room 208.

I tried, sir, but
he wouldn't go.

Right.

I don't take my clothes
off for just anybody.

Now what are you
calling me down here for?

Oh, it's just a
routine physical.

Look,

when I left the Army, you and I
agreed never to see each other again.

What am I doing in here now?

Well, as I said, it's just
a follow-up examination

for the men who served in Korea.

It's free.

Mmm! Wonderful.
Now I'm free to go.

Yeah, but just... just let me
ask a few simple questions.

Now, have you ever experienced

severe headaches,
fever, dizziness,

nightmares or anxiety?

Once.

When the enemy
bombed my pup tent.

But not since then? No.

Good.

Most of the victims
haven't been so fortunate.

Victims?

Oh, I mean, participants.

Yes, it's not as though
we've lost anyone.

I mean, not yet.

So far, we've just had
to deal with side effects.

Side effects from what?

Microbiological
substance infiltration.

What the hell is that?

Germ warfare.

Hold it.

Back up a minute.

What has that got to do with me?

Well, according to our records,

you were with a group of men
who were in a heavily exposed area.

Are you saying they used
germ warfare on me over there?

Well, more or less.

Except it wasn't over there

and it wasn't them.

Well, who was it?

Well, it seems that you were
exposed after you came back.

You see, while you
were at Fort Clover

waiting for your discharge,

your barracks were contaminated.

Well, how could that happen?

It was a top secret experiment.

Nobody knew about it.

Especially the participants.

Are you saying that the Army

deliberately sprayed
some stuff in our barracks

that would make us sick?

Well, so far as they knew
back then, it was harmless.

Let me ask you
something else. Anything.

How do I get to room 208?

You're jiggling the scale.

That's because my
knees are shaking.

Can we get on with this?

All right. Now, if you'll
just sit up here on the table,

you can relax.

I'll sit up here on the
table, but I won't be relaxed.

What I can't figure is why the Army
would use germs on their own men.

Well, maybe it was a
defensive maneuver.

They wanted to see if it
would work on the enemy.

I'm gonna try not
to think about that

while you're taking
my blood pressure.

Now, did anyone in your
family have heart trouble?

My Uncle Walter.
For about 30 seconds.

What about you? Any
irregular heartbeats?

Not before I came in here.

Let's give a listen.

Testing, one, two, one, two.

Just a little humor there.

Well, the men enjoy it.

Not all of them.

That may be cold.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm-hmm.

"Mmm-hmm" what?

"Mmm-hmm", no problem
or "mmm-hmm", you're dead?

I don't know yet. Corporal, we
may have to take some more blood.

You're gonna have
to take it from him,

'cause you took
all mine already.

Now, then, tell me,
uh, does this hurt?

(EXCLAIMING) Does that?

You can put your shirt on now.

Thank you.

How long will it be
before I know if I've got it?

As soon as the results come
in, you'll be the first to know.

Of course, if anything
happens before then...

I'll still be the first to know.

Well, that's basically it.

Benson's still in
the examining room.

General McBeatty said that
there won't be any official word

for a day or two.

Yeah, that's what they said.

But if Benson didn't have it,

why are they going
to all this trouble?

Oh, my God, I don't
want to hear this.

Oh, now you don't
want to hear this?

But if you hadn't
insisted on calling General

McBeatty, we wouldn't
be so depressed.

Taylor, sometimes
I... Now, look,

Benson is just going to get
more upset if we carry on.

So let's just act naturally,

pretend everything's all right,

until he wants to talk about it.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Hi.

ALL: Hi!

We're just sitting here
having a cup of tea.

You're all drinking
from Kraus' cup?

(LAUGHING)

That's a good one, Benson!

Didn't he always have
a great sense of humor?

Kraus, you ever gonna
get out of that bathrobe?

Perhaps.

I am feeling a little better.

Of course, I still
have a long way to go.

Don't let me stop you.

Put it in a sock, Benson!

(WHISPERING)
Gretchen, how could you?

(WHISPERING) We're
supposed to act natural.

Sorry I took so
long to get back, sir.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Especially not
at a time like this.

A time like what?

When you have your
usual everyday things to do.

So how'd it go?

Okay.

Okay.

You hang in there, kid.

Marcy, are you trying
to tell me something?

Benson, we know all about it.

Yeah, the Governor
called the Army

and found out
about the experiment.

So, what'd he say?

Would you like a cup of tea?

Oh, my God! I'm dying!

ALL: You are?

I don't know. You
called the Army.

Well, all General McBeatty
said was it would take

a day or two before
we got the results.

So let's not hear
anymore talk about dying.

Right. There's always that
small, infinitesimal chance

that you weren't even exposed.

Absolutely.

There's nothing to
be concerned about.

Of course not.

And you haven't had any
of the symptoms, right?

So there's nothing
to worry about.

I'm sure you're
always this warm.

Marcy, what are
you trying to do?

Scare me to death?

So I got a headache
and maybe some fever,

but that doesn't mean
that I've got side effects.

No. Of course it doesn't.

You're gonna be fine.

Just fine.

(SOBBING)

So much for the bathrobe.

Now I'll have to get dressed.

Is there anything we
can do for you, Benson?

You can stop trying
to cheer me up.

We didn't handle
that very well, did we?

See, when you really
care about somebody,

it's very hard to
hide your feelings.

I wish I could find the words.

There aren't any.

Ten-hut!

At ease. Thank you.

General McBeatty,
this is the man

we've all been so
concerned about. Mmm-hmm.

This is General McBeatty,
our commanding officer.

Yeah, I can see he's important.

He's got a quilt on his chest.

Good morning. I'm glad
you could be with us today.

Yeah, so am I.

Question is, for how long?

Oh, you've nothing
to worry about.

You're going to live
to see a free China.

Absolutely.

The tests proved negative. Ah!

Not a trace of toxic agent.

But, uh... But what?

But you do have
a touch of the flu.

Well, why didn't you tell
me that on the phone?

(CLEARING THROAT) Well, because,

under the
circumstances, soldier,

I wanted personally to
convey my sincere apologies

on behalf of the
United States Army

for any inconvenience
this may have caused you.

Ah, how thoughtful.

You must be feeling a lot
better about things now, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm damn near overcome with joy

about being used as
a human guinea pig.

Well, wait just a minute.

We didn't pull you
in off the street.

You joined up.

Yes, I did, and I'd do it again.

But one thing has
nothing to do with the other.

Well, you must've known
there were certain risks involved

when you enlisted. Sure.

But I didn't expect to get
sprayed by a giant can of Raid.

Oh, no, no, I can assure you

the Army does not conduct
experiments in this manner any longer.

Furthermore, we were
concerned enough

to call you in here
and check you out.

Well, what if you had
contaminated me with that stuff?

Well, we would have immediately
put you into a military hospital.

So you could
experiment with the cure?

Now listen here, son!

No, you listen, Dad!

It was bad enough you guys
don't know what you're doing,

but you don't give a
damn who you're doing it to!

Now that's insane!

And wrong.

Doesn't that matter any more?

Well,

for whatever it's worth, I
hope both of you get my flu.

(SNEEZES)

Thank you.

Well? Test results
were negative.

I'm so sorry, Benson.

Governor, in medical terms,
negative means positive.

Oh, right!

Oh, I always get that mixed up!

They said I'm okay. I
just got a touch of the flu.

Oh, that's wonderful news!

I don't mean about the
flu. I mean about the other...

(SNEEZES) Oh!

Now, listen, Benson,
you better go on to bed.

I've got some
medicine left over.

I'll go get it for
you. You'll love it!

All right, Benson, out with it!

I can take it!

Are you gonna die, or what?

Well, let's put it
this way, Kraus.

You know that little portable
TV of mine you like so much?

Ja?

You ain't getting it.

(GAGGING)

Well, look who's here.

No, thanks, I feel
bad enough as it is.

If you're so sick, what
are you doing out of bed?

Well, I thought it would
help me to come down here

and watch you work awhile.

A little fever, a little
congestion, you call that sick?

Well, when you had it, you
called for an oxygen tent.

Oh, Benson, what are
you doing down here?

(SIGHING) Trying to get
the energy to go back to bed.

Come off it, Benson,
we've all had it.

It's nothing more
than the 48-hour flu.

And I've got 24 more
hours to suffer through.

Look how pleasant he is, Taylor.

Now you remember that
next time you get sick.

Well, I hope he
keeps on smiling, sir,

because we have a very,
very big reception here tonight.

Well, I worked that
out with the staff.

They'll take care of the
reception and I'll take care of me.

But you are the head
of the staff, Benson.

You are responsible
personally to make sure

that each and every one
of the guests feels welcome.

Well, when they get here,
send 'em up to my room.

If I'm awake, I'll say hi.

NARRATOR: Benson is videotaped

before a studio audience.