Benched (2014): Season 1, Episode 11 - Campaign Contributions - full transcript
I don't know, it's, like, normally,
I wake up with this, like, mixed feeling
of dread and inadequacy,
like this is gonna be
the new worst day of my life.
But this morning, I woke up,
and I just...
I don't know, I feel... better.
Even that horrible, screeching wand thingy
doesn't even bother me.
Oop, found my IUD.
It's my IUD, everybody!
Or it's my belt.
Oh, my God. That's it.
I'm over Trent. Tha...
I am so completely over him,
it's ridiculous.
It's like I have this...
Oh, new sense of, like, hope.
I'm glad you do.
Right, God, sorry. You...
Robbed a church. Okey-doke.
So that's... that's fun.
Benched - 01x11
Campaign Contributions
- Morning!
- Morning.
- Sharp suit, guy.
- Thanks.
Hey. You're gonna beat this.
Maybe.
Anytime. Give me a call.
- Counselor.
- Good morning.
Yes, exactly. Good morning.
Morning, because it's before noon,
and good, because for the first
time in like the longest time,
I have no feelings for you!
I mean, I look at you and I see...
A little boy. Hi.
- You're pretty.
- Thank you.
Almost as pretty as Trent's fiancee.
What a delight. What are you doing here?
I'm in a mentorship program.
This is Walter.
We're sending bad guys to the slammer.
- Yeah.
- Oh, charming.
For a second, I thought maybe you adopted,
which, wow, would
actually be totally fine.
God, this is amazing. Let's test it.
How is wedding planning going?
You guys writing your own vows, or is
Maria just going with Coldplay lyrics?
Oh, we're actually putting
that on hold for a little bit.
- Just sorting some stuff out.
- Oh.
That is... that's some kind of news, huh?
Wow, you know, old me would be,
like, secretly delighted,
but new me is, like,
"good luck with that."
- She talks a lot.
- Yes, she does.
- Wheels came off.
- No, no, 'cause see,
that's just it.
Today, nothing can go wrong.
Oh.
The defendant stole
a bunch of chair wheels.
Weird guy, loves wheels.
And cocaine.
Guys, something big
just happened in the bathroom.
- Oh, come on.
- Again, Carlos?
- Go to the doctor.
- Cheryl, no!
I heard a rumor that someone here
is on the short list
for L.A. Public Defender
- of the year.
- Is it me?
It's Phil.
- Is it me?
- No, it's Phil.
- Is it me?
- It's you!
Wait, Public Defender of the Year.
- That's actually a thing?
- Yeah.
We get beat up so much in court,
they think it's nice to give us a win.
But just one of us and only once a year.
- Who's "they"?
- Nobody knows.
Jesus Christ, Micah. What...
Why don't you announce yourself before you
come be-bopping on in to someone's space?
The award is given out
by a semi-anonymous committee
of judges, D.As, law professors.
- You know the type.
- Phil,
what name are you gonna use
on your plaque?
- You get a plaque?
- Yeah,
if you bring a $50 check
to the awards dinner.
- There's an awards dinner?
- Yes, which you also pay for.
I mean, come on, do you guys actually
think that I have a chance against Mitch?
- Ugh!
- Mitch.
Mitch.
It's easy to win cases
in the Pasadena Office.
It's all jaywalking and dog poop tickets.
Mitch is the worst.
I don't know
what metric system you're using,
but sounds like Mitch is the best.
No, he's the fake-est,
most glad-handing brown-noser
of all time, all right?
It's exactly the kind of guy
that wins these things,
which is exactly why I want no part of it.
Well, wait a minute. Wait.
All right. Yeah.
So wait, your plan is to just do nothing?
Well, having a plan
would involve planning,
but I don't plan on planning anything.
Okay, but this is official validation
that you are better than everyone else.
- How do you not want that?
- Look,
Nina, the whole thing is a sham, okay?
They vet some people that have
had a few trials go their way,
and then ultimately, it just becomes
this big ass-kissing contest,
and frankly, I can't fake it.
Oh, you can't fake it.
So when you kiss ass,
you just really get in there
and give 100% to that ass?
Shut up.
Hey. You should let me help you.
I can be, like, your campaign manager.
- Don't you have someplace to be?
- Nope, very slow morning.
Now, committee members can be anywhere,
so you've got to do what
you do when you pick up girls.
Compliment them, laugh at their jokes,
don't look at their boobs.
Now, who is the judge today?
- It's Miyaki, why?
- Oh, perfect.
She just got a new perm.
Tell her you like her hair.
All rise.
Abort. Abort, abort, abort.
- Perm...
- Oh.
Ission to approach the bench, Your Honor.
To trespassing, possession,
and lewd conduct,
my client pleads guilty.
To jail, criminal.
Your Honor, may we approach?
Not that you're not fully aware
of the goings-on in your court,
Your Honor, but there was a small child
sitting with the prosecution.
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I volunteer as a big brother.
- Of course you do.
- School's out this week,
- and both parents work.
- Say no more.
I was a big bro myself.
Made me the man I am today.
You learning about the justice
system, young man?
Yeah, I think I got it.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
We're the good guys, they're the bad guys,
and you're Switzerland?
Well, that's pretty much the idea.
Your Honor, I find this childish amusement
at my client's expense
extremely insensitive.
Objection. Lame.
Overruled, but agreed.
You don't want any tangible evidence
that you even existed here
for the past 12 years,
like, no plaque?
Why do I want a plaque
when I could have a sandwich?
Hi there.
- Two pastramis, please.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, right. One pastrami and nothing.
Councilman Lopez, the pez dispenser.
Oh, God.
Mitch Grady, 2014
Public Defender of the Year
and hopefully, 2015.
I can get down with that goatee, man.
Oh, my God, you were not
kidding about this guy.
No, no, Mitch posts himself up here
about this time every year
to jerk off potential committee members.
Quinlan? Phil Quinlan?
Imagine that.
Hey, but there's always
one joke candidate, right?
You know, he's like the
plus-sized girl on Top Model.
- Oh ho ho!
- That's true.
Hey, look who it is!
Phil... adelphia cream cheese.
Hide your bagels, everybody!
How you doing there, Mitch?
Hey, I heard you're up for P.D.O.T.Y.
- Yep.
- About time you got
some "recognish."
Hey, may the best man win, but watch out!
- Oh, okay.
- Heh heh.
- Mitch Grady.
- Nina Whitley.
Nina Whitley. Whitley...
Oh! "Whitley Houston."
- Ho, ho.
- Oh, died.
Uh, "Whitley" while you work.
- I'll workshop it.
- Great.
- I'll workshop it, okay.
- Looking forward to that.
Hey, don't turn your back.
Kidney punch, kidney punch!
Oh! Yeah.
Whoa.
You want to help me win? I'm in.
What, 'cause of some personal
vendetta dick-measuring contest?
- Yep.
- Nothing to do with what
- I said about life and trying?
- Nope.
I don't care about any of that.
- I'm gonna crush him.
- Where are you go...
Why are you always walking away from me?
We're gonna have to miss lunch, buddy.
We got a mayhem deposition in ten minutes.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You cannot take him to that.
No, it's cool. I made sure there'll
be an extra chair for him.
How cool is it gonna be when he finds out
that mayhem means
the wanton and permanent removal
of a... Person's limbs?
Super cool!
Is there gonna be blood involved?
What are they gonna use
to get the limbs off?
- You see this?
- Why don't you get a snack,
- buddy?
- Okay, you want something?
No.
No, you're right,
you're right, but I just...
I'm running really late, so I don't know.
Could you maybe take him for a second?
- Me?
- Could be a chance to broaden a young mind.
I like that bad guys always lose
and that you get to wear a dress.
Me too.
I wonder if he knows what a bone saw is.
Okay, fine, fine. I'll take him.
Profiles on every person
who might possibly
be on the committee. Top secret sh...
Brace yourself. There's some nude photos.
You expect me to memorize this?
Yeah, as much as you can.
You're gonna need it tonight
at the Rutherford Club.
God, I hate that stuffy old boys' club.
Well, on most nights,
these guys are there,
so it's the perfect opportunity
for us to talk you up.
And you could smoke a cigar,
you could sip some scotch,
and you could schmooze
until the handshaking
gives you carpal tunnel
and the brown-nosing
gives you pink eye. Come on.
Hey, random kid in our office.
Practice your small talk.
Good time to do it.
- Nice shirt.
- Wish I could say the same.
See, this is why I don't talk
to old people or kids.
Everyone here looks like the people
I run over in Grand Theft Auto.
Okay, just try not to bother anyone.
How about that?
Do you like egg salad?
I'll stick with these.
So, you guys are, like, the loser lawyers?
Basically.
No, Larry, we're not loser lawyers.
We do important work here.
We uphold the rights of
those who need it most,
those who can't defend themselves.
Is that why they made ten Law & Orders
and none of them are
about Public Defenders?
Well, there should be.
Sometimes good people get accused
of a crime they didn't do.
And you guys help them get out of trouble?
Not usually.
Then what's even the point?
I... don't know.
Trent's like a superhero catching bad guys
and sending them right where they belong...
Prison.
No, no, no, no. We're the superheroes.
Because of us, people get a shot.
But Trent's got a better office,
better suits, plus that guy gets lucky.
A lot.
Yeah, I get lucky.
- You do?
- You do?
Yes. No.
I'm going through a divorce, Walter, okay?
But when I was married, my wife and I,
we... why am I defending
my sex life to a kid?
All right.
Let's bang this out.
Yeah, okay, so I knew you
were gonna wear a joke tie,
so I came prepared.
This tie tells a story.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, is that story
"I'm a cheap jackass"?
Okay.
Are you kidding? All right, fine.
- Come on.
- I got it.
Put your collar up first.
Good, now you look like a winner,
so just act like one for an hour.
Nina.
This is a surprise.
Hello, Trent.
And Phil.
I didn't expect to find you here.
I always thought of you as more
of a "toy with your meal" kind of guy.
That's good, that's good, and you know,
and I pegged you as more of a guy
- who s... his pants.
- Based on-based on what?
Okay, we're just here to make the rounds.
Awards season and all, so...
Of course.
Well, I will leave you to it.
Hey, nice tie, by the way.
Oh, I get it. I see, I see.
You're trying to turn me into
a little miniature version
of him, aren't you? That's not gonna work.
I am obviously much taller
and have way better breath.
Okay, no, but look at him.
He's the king of the cocktail party.
You can do this.
You just have to give yourself a shot.
I mean, or you can let him win.
So juror number four,
this guy Jack says,
"Mitch, I like you.
You've got heart in spades."
Oh!
All right. Let's give it a shot.
Okay.
After you.
It all starts with freedom of speech.
Isn't that, um, law professor
sacks or something?
Yeah, you read my files.
The constitution seldom changes.
- Our understanding, however...
- I keep saying
"if the constitution is a living document,
then why isn't it returning my calls?"
Nina Whitley, pleasure.
"Returning my"...
My colleague, Phil Quinlan, once used
the first amendment on a Graffiti case.
He called it the "bathroom stall defense."
Now, that's something
I never learned at Stanford.
Yeah, yeah, it got me an acquittal.
Plus, I got loo
some Picasso-esque drawings
of male genitalia.
Well, every job has its perks, eh?
They're eating you up.
Keep going.
So, constitution guy, huh?
You know the a map on the back.
You guys didn't see National Treasure?
I see you're still a hit
with the AARP crowd, huh?
Yeah, and I see you still come here
every Tuesday night for date night.
- Old habits.
- Where is Maria?
She wasn't feeling up to it tonight,
so I'm traveling solo.
Hey, I noticed you bought
Phil my favorite tie.
You guys aren't, uh...
Uh...
No. No. No.
God, no, no, no.
- Good.
- Yeah.
I mean, not that I care.
Yeah. Not that I care if you...
How great is it that I don't care?
- That is great.
- Yeah.
Trenter's insurance.
Nina Schnitzel.
I'm working on it. Don't sue me.
That is my cue.
Hey, I saw you talking
to the Attorney General.
- Introduce me.
- Nah.
Boo.
Hey, may I get a whiskey, neat?
God, that is the longest I've ever talked
about my job while not at work.
- That was not even two minutes.
- I know. I'm exhausted.
You know you can do this, right?
You are just as good as anybody here.
What is this to you, anyway?
Why are you doing all this?
I'm doing this because you deserve it.
You're actually one of
the best lawyers I know,
and one of the best people I know,
and I refuse to let you
bring yourself down
with your whole
"I don't give a crap" shtick.
Okay?
So how 'bout get back out there?
After you.
And I told him, "you turn
this schooner back to shore,
or I'm going to mount
your head in my study."
Objection! He totally did it.
Objection? Your face did it.
Can we make him stop talking?
This kid thinks Trent's a hero.
Can you believe that?
He's got it totally backwards.
But I've got this terrible case coming up.
Grandma keeps selling
ice cream without a license.
Trent's gunning for time.
We'll see who the hero is then.
It's gonna be a sob fest.
Can't wait.
Well, I'm glad you're the
office's passionate idealist.
By the way, how did it go last night?
Did you sell your soul to get a plaque
you're gonna have to pay for?
You know how Nina can be
overbearing and really annoying.
Well, last night was different.
It was nice.
- Nice, like...
- No, no, no, no,
not like that.
Just, she helped me feel okay
in a fancy world I don't belong.
- Sounds like Titanic.
- No.
She helped me fake it,
you know, with all those people.
Ah, My Fair Lady.
No, no, no.
It's just, it's been a while since
I've been in a relationship.
- The teamwork...
- Uh-huh.
Felt good.
Just for one day.
- That's Moulin Rouge.
- Not Moulin Rouge.
After repeated citations,
Ms. Gonzalez has once again
violated section 16, title 21,
vending dairy products without a license.
No permit, must not acquit.
Your Honor, Ms. Gonzalez's only crime
was selling ice cream.
What?
She violated multiple health codes
and permit laws for the fourth time.
Wait, what's so bad
about selling ice cream?
No talking.
It was cute at first.
Now, I'm over it.
So the people are seeking jail time?
- That is correct, Your Honor.
- That lady can't go to jail!
- Walter, shh.
- Are you kidding me?
She didn't even do anything.
She doesn't deserve to go to jail.
Walter, be quiet.
Ugh.
You're out of order.
You're out of order!
A five-minute recess Your Honor?
Sure, whatever. It's not like
I'm in charge or anything.
Walter, wait, wait.
Why are you doing this?
It's my job.
She was just selling ice cream.
Look.
The law's the law.
And sometimes, the law comes down hard
on innocent nice old ladies.
Why aren't you stopping him?
I got her the best deal I possibly could.
So he's evil and you're useless.
Ugh!
Hey, so I hear it's in the bag.
All right, hey hey.
Hold your horses, all right.
Nothing's in the bag.
- Except booze?
- Yeah.
Well, that should never be in a bag.
Let's go. Pour these out.
I cannot wait to mount Mitch's head.
There's a Mitch I'd like to scratch.
Yeah, that was... sorry.
Ohh... oh, that's gross.
Oh, there he is.
Speak of the devil and he appears.
I came to concede your work.
Just read the official tweet.
Wow, well I guess I'm not
a plus-sized model, am I?
I could totally get catalog work.
Actually, I'm conceding to Nina.
Congratulations.
You are the P.D. of the year.
Wait,
I'm P.D. of the year?
I'm P.D of the...
I'm P.D. of the year.
Hey, congrats, huh?
Hmm.
Wow, these are laughably small cups.
I'm going to be in the bar
where they have regular-sized
alcoholic containers.
Cop a Phil.
Tough loss.
I remember the first time I lost...
What are you... what?
That was my mother's tie.
There you go.
Phil, I had... I had no... I didn't know.
- Hey, congratulations.
- Oh, thanks.
Well, way to go there, Nino.
Thank you.
Hey, counselor.
- Hey.
- Heard about your win.
Did a good job at the club.
Yeah, a little too good, apparently.
Hey, sometimes it's lonely at the top.
You remember when we crushed
the Hanson's Easter egg hunt?
Yeah, and no one would sit
with us at brunch afterwards.
Yeah, but it felt good
'cause we were winners.
Yeah, we were winners with
85 inedible hard-boiled eggs.
Mmm.
I don't even know how I got in the running
for this stupid thing.
Well, I recommended you.
What?
Why would you do that?
You've done an amazing job here.
Hey, congrats on the award
and on getting over me.
Thank you.
Phil.
Phil, I am so sorry.
I did not know that that was gonna happen.
It's fine.
No, it came out of nowhere.
It was like Pearl Harbor
and I was the harbor.
Or no, sorry, I was Japan.
Actually, I think that the award
would probably be Japan.
- Seriously, Nina, it's fine.
- No, it's not fine.
You have every right
to be furious with me.
Yeah, well, I'm not. So, we're fine.
Okay, every time you say you're fine,
you sound less fine.
Listen, Nina, the truth is
it's a meaningless award.
Yeah, that you deserve.
Yeah, well you really put a lot of effort
into making me think that I had a shot.
What? No, I didn't mean...
I didn't mean to do that.
- I mean, I did...
- Look, it's my fault, okay?
None of this stuff used
to ever matter to me,
but somehow you convinced
me to care and I just,
I shouldn't have fallen for it.
Fallen for what?
Is it so bad to care about something
for once in your life?
Stupid!
Idiot!
Failure!
So what? I can end up like that?
Philm Noir.
Ninaste.
Oops, just on my way
to the recycling plant.
- Eat a dick, Mitch.
- Will do.
Look, I was just trying to help you.
No, you were helping yourself, Nina.
It's never about anybody but you.
You think I did this for me?
I just wanted you to want it.
What am I, some project to you?
You trying to turn me into
your douche bag ex-boyfriend?
Huh? Well, it's not gonna work.
I'm not that guy, okay?
I will never be that guy.
Fine.
Well then, fine.
It's because you're a girl!
You won because you're a girl!
Yeah, 'cause us gals,
we just get it all handed to us.
- Enjoy your reign.
- Okay.
Oh, what a sad man.
Whatever.
Oh, mm-hmm.
Okay.
I knew you'd be back for this beaut.
Maria and I are done.
I'm so sorry.
- Don't be.
- Oh.
Hey, Mr. Carlos.
Hey Walt... clippers!
Glen "big baby" Davis.
I'm really not a baby.
I'm a grown-ass man.
This is what a big brother's all about.
Just ladies, bentleys,
and shopping sprees.
- You're a big brother.
- Yeah. I love the kids.
Especially this one. He's so cute.
Mc Walt. Show him how you moonwalk.
Moonwalk. Moonwalk.
Isn't that good?
Well, it's...
- Tell him it's great.
- It's great.
what's so bad
about selling ice cream?
No talking.
It was cute at first.
Now, I'm over it.
So the people are seeking jail time?
- That is correct, Your Honor.
- That lady can't go to jail!
- Walter, shh.
- Are you kidding me?
She didn't even do anything.
She doesn't deserve to go to jail.
Walter, be quiet.
Ugh.
You're out of order.
You're out of order!
A five-minute recess Your Honor?
Sure, whatever. It's not like
I'm in charge or anything.
Walter, wait, wait.
Why are you doing this?
It's my job.
She was just selling ice cream.
Look.
The law's the law.
And sometimes, the law comes down hard
on innocent nice old ladies.
Why aren't you stopping him?
I got her the best deal I possibly could
I wake up with this, like, mixed feeling
of dread and inadequacy,
like this is gonna be
the new worst day of my life.
But this morning, I woke up,
and I just...
I don't know, I feel... better.
Even that horrible, screeching wand thingy
doesn't even bother me.
Oop, found my IUD.
It's my IUD, everybody!
Or it's my belt.
Oh, my God. That's it.
I'm over Trent. Tha...
I am so completely over him,
it's ridiculous.
It's like I have this...
Oh, new sense of, like, hope.
I'm glad you do.
Right, God, sorry. You...
Robbed a church. Okey-doke.
So that's... that's fun.
Benched - 01x11
Campaign Contributions
- Morning!
- Morning.
- Sharp suit, guy.
- Thanks.
Hey. You're gonna beat this.
Maybe.
Anytime. Give me a call.
- Counselor.
- Good morning.
Yes, exactly. Good morning.
Morning, because it's before noon,
and good, because for the first
time in like the longest time,
I have no feelings for you!
I mean, I look at you and I see...
A little boy. Hi.
- You're pretty.
- Thank you.
Almost as pretty as Trent's fiancee.
What a delight. What are you doing here?
I'm in a mentorship program.
This is Walter.
We're sending bad guys to the slammer.
- Yeah.
- Oh, charming.
For a second, I thought maybe you adopted,
which, wow, would
actually be totally fine.
God, this is amazing. Let's test it.
How is wedding planning going?
You guys writing your own vows, or is
Maria just going with Coldplay lyrics?
Oh, we're actually putting
that on hold for a little bit.
- Just sorting some stuff out.
- Oh.
That is... that's some kind of news, huh?
Wow, you know, old me would be,
like, secretly delighted,
but new me is, like,
"good luck with that."
- She talks a lot.
- Yes, she does.
- Wheels came off.
- No, no, 'cause see,
that's just it.
Today, nothing can go wrong.
Oh.
The defendant stole
a bunch of chair wheels.
Weird guy, loves wheels.
And cocaine.
Guys, something big
just happened in the bathroom.
- Oh, come on.
- Again, Carlos?
- Go to the doctor.
- Cheryl, no!
I heard a rumor that someone here
is on the short list
for L.A. Public Defender
- of the year.
- Is it me?
It's Phil.
- Is it me?
- No, it's Phil.
- Is it me?
- It's you!
Wait, Public Defender of the Year.
- That's actually a thing?
- Yeah.
We get beat up so much in court,
they think it's nice to give us a win.
But just one of us and only once a year.
- Who's "they"?
- Nobody knows.
Jesus Christ, Micah. What...
Why don't you announce yourself before you
come be-bopping on in to someone's space?
The award is given out
by a semi-anonymous committee
of judges, D.As, law professors.
- You know the type.
- Phil,
what name are you gonna use
on your plaque?
- You get a plaque?
- Yeah,
if you bring a $50 check
to the awards dinner.
- There's an awards dinner?
- Yes, which you also pay for.
I mean, come on, do you guys actually
think that I have a chance against Mitch?
- Ugh!
- Mitch.
Mitch.
It's easy to win cases
in the Pasadena Office.
It's all jaywalking and dog poop tickets.
Mitch is the worst.
I don't know
what metric system you're using,
but sounds like Mitch is the best.
No, he's the fake-est,
most glad-handing brown-noser
of all time, all right?
It's exactly the kind of guy
that wins these things,
which is exactly why I want no part of it.
Well, wait a minute. Wait.
All right. Yeah.
So wait, your plan is to just do nothing?
Well, having a plan
would involve planning,
but I don't plan on planning anything.
Okay, but this is official validation
that you are better than everyone else.
- How do you not want that?
- Look,
Nina, the whole thing is a sham, okay?
They vet some people that have
had a few trials go their way,
and then ultimately, it just becomes
this big ass-kissing contest,
and frankly, I can't fake it.
Oh, you can't fake it.
So when you kiss ass,
you just really get in there
and give 100% to that ass?
Shut up.
Hey. You should let me help you.
I can be, like, your campaign manager.
- Don't you have someplace to be?
- Nope, very slow morning.
Now, committee members can be anywhere,
so you've got to do what
you do when you pick up girls.
Compliment them, laugh at their jokes,
don't look at their boobs.
Now, who is the judge today?
- It's Miyaki, why?
- Oh, perfect.
She just got a new perm.
Tell her you like her hair.
All rise.
Abort. Abort, abort, abort.
- Perm...
- Oh.
Ission to approach the bench, Your Honor.
To trespassing, possession,
and lewd conduct,
my client pleads guilty.
To jail, criminal.
Your Honor, may we approach?
Not that you're not fully aware
of the goings-on in your court,
Your Honor, but there was a small child
sitting with the prosecution.
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I volunteer as a big brother.
- Of course you do.
- School's out this week,
- and both parents work.
- Say no more.
I was a big bro myself.
Made me the man I am today.
You learning about the justice
system, young man?
Yeah, I think I got it.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
We're the good guys, they're the bad guys,
and you're Switzerland?
Well, that's pretty much the idea.
Your Honor, I find this childish amusement
at my client's expense
extremely insensitive.
Objection. Lame.
Overruled, but agreed.
You don't want any tangible evidence
that you even existed here
for the past 12 years,
like, no plaque?
Why do I want a plaque
when I could have a sandwich?
Hi there.
- Two pastramis, please.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, right. One pastrami and nothing.
Councilman Lopez, the pez dispenser.
Oh, God.
Mitch Grady, 2014
Public Defender of the Year
and hopefully, 2015.
I can get down with that goatee, man.
Oh, my God, you were not
kidding about this guy.
No, no, Mitch posts himself up here
about this time every year
to jerk off potential committee members.
Quinlan? Phil Quinlan?
Imagine that.
Hey, but there's always
one joke candidate, right?
You know, he's like the
plus-sized girl on Top Model.
- Oh ho ho!
- That's true.
Hey, look who it is!
Phil... adelphia cream cheese.
Hide your bagels, everybody!
How you doing there, Mitch?
Hey, I heard you're up for P.D.O.T.Y.
- Yep.
- About time you got
some "recognish."
Hey, may the best man win, but watch out!
- Oh, okay.
- Heh heh.
- Mitch Grady.
- Nina Whitley.
Nina Whitley. Whitley...
Oh! "Whitley Houston."
- Ho, ho.
- Oh, died.
Uh, "Whitley" while you work.
- I'll workshop it.
- Great.
- I'll workshop it, okay.
- Looking forward to that.
Hey, don't turn your back.
Kidney punch, kidney punch!
Oh! Yeah.
Whoa.
You want to help me win? I'm in.
What, 'cause of some personal
vendetta dick-measuring contest?
- Yep.
- Nothing to do with what
- I said about life and trying?
- Nope.
I don't care about any of that.
- I'm gonna crush him.
- Where are you go...
Why are you always walking away from me?
We're gonna have to miss lunch, buddy.
We got a mayhem deposition in ten minutes.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You cannot take him to that.
No, it's cool. I made sure there'll
be an extra chair for him.
How cool is it gonna be when he finds out
that mayhem means
the wanton and permanent removal
of a... Person's limbs?
Super cool!
Is there gonna be blood involved?
What are they gonna use
to get the limbs off?
- You see this?
- Why don't you get a snack,
- buddy?
- Okay, you want something?
No.
No, you're right,
you're right, but I just...
I'm running really late, so I don't know.
Could you maybe take him for a second?
- Me?
- Could be a chance to broaden a young mind.
I like that bad guys always lose
and that you get to wear a dress.
Me too.
I wonder if he knows what a bone saw is.
Okay, fine, fine. I'll take him.
Profiles on every person
who might possibly
be on the committee. Top secret sh...
Brace yourself. There's some nude photos.
You expect me to memorize this?
Yeah, as much as you can.
You're gonna need it tonight
at the Rutherford Club.
God, I hate that stuffy old boys' club.
Well, on most nights,
these guys are there,
so it's the perfect opportunity
for us to talk you up.
And you could smoke a cigar,
you could sip some scotch,
and you could schmooze
until the handshaking
gives you carpal tunnel
and the brown-nosing
gives you pink eye. Come on.
Hey, random kid in our office.
Practice your small talk.
Good time to do it.
- Nice shirt.
- Wish I could say the same.
See, this is why I don't talk
to old people or kids.
Everyone here looks like the people
I run over in Grand Theft Auto.
Okay, just try not to bother anyone.
How about that?
Do you like egg salad?
I'll stick with these.
So, you guys are, like, the loser lawyers?
Basically.
No, Larry, we're not loser lawyers.
We do important work here.
We uphold the rights of
those who need it most,
those who can't defend themselves.
Is that why they made ten Law & Orders
and none of them are
about Public Defenders?
Well, there should be.
Sometimes good people get accused
of a crime they didn't do.
And you guys help them get out of trouble?
Not usually.
Then what's even the point?
I... don't know.
Trent's like a superhero catching bad guys
and sending them right where they belong...
Prison.
No, no, no, no. We're the superheroes.
Because of us, people get a shot.
But Trent's got a better office,
better suits, plus that guy gets lucky.
A lot.
Yeah, I get lucky.
- You do?
- You do?
Yes. No.
I'm going through a divorce, Walter, okay?
But when I was married, my wife and I,
we... why am I defending
my sex life to a kid?
All right.
Let's bang this out.
Yeah, okay, so I knew you
were gonna wear a joke tie,
so I came prepared.
This tie tells a story.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, is that story
"I'm a cheap jackass"?
Okay.
Are you kidding? All right, fine.
- Come on.
- I got it.
Put your collar up first.
Good, now you look like a winner,
so just act like one for an hour.
Nina.
This is a surprise.
Hello, Trent.
And Phil.
I didn't expect to find you here.
I always thought of you as more
of a "toy with your meal" kind of guy.
That's good, that's good, and you know,
and I pegged you as more of a guy
- who s... his pants.
- Based on-based on what?
Okay, we're just here to make the rounds.
Awards season and all, so...
Of course.
Well, I will leave you to it.
Hey, nice tie, by the way.
Oh, I get it. I see, I see.
You're trying to turn me into
a little miniature version
of him, aren't you? That's not gonna work.
I am obviously much taller
and have way better breath.
Okay, no, but look at him.
He's the king of the cocktail party.
You can do this.
You just have to give yourself a shot.
I mean, or you can let him win.
So juror number four,
this guy Jack says,
"Mitch, I like you.
You've got heart in spades."
Oh!
All right. Let's give it a shot.
Okay.
After you.
It all starts with freedom of speech.
Isn't that, um, law professor
sacks or something?
Yeah, you read my files.
The constitution seldom changes.
- Our understanding, however...
- I keep saying
"if the constitution is a living document,
then why isn't it returning my calls?"
Nina Whitley, pleasure.
"Returning my"...
My colleague, Phil Quinlan, once used
the first amendment on a Graffiti case.
He called it the "bathroom stall defense."
Now, that's something
I never learned at Stanford.
Yeah, yeah, it got me an acquittal.
Plus, I got loo
some Picasso-esque drawings
of male genitalia.
Well, every job has its perks, eh?
They're eating you up.
Keep going.
So, constitution guy, huh?
You know the a map on the back.
You guys didn't see National Treasure?
I see you're still a hit
with the AARP crowd, huh?
Yeah, and I see you still come here
every Tuesday night for date night.
- Old habits.
- Where is Maria?
She wasn't feeling up to it tonight,
so I'm traveling solo.
Hey, I noticed you bought
Phil my favorite tie.
You guys aren't, uh...
Uh...
No. No. No.
God, no, no, no.
- Good.
- Yeah.
I mean, not that I care.
Yeah. Not that I care if you...
How great is it that I don't care?
- That is great.
- Yeah.
Trenter's insurance.
Nina Schnitzel.
I'm working on it. Don't sue me.
That is my cue.
Hey, I saw you talking
to the Attorney General.
- Introduce me.
- Nah.
Boo.
Hey, may I get a whiskey, neat?
God, that is the longest I've ever talked
about my job while not at work.
- That was not even two minutes.
- I know. I'm exhausted.
You know you can do this, right?
You are just as good as anybody here.
What is this to you, anyway?
Why are you doing all this?
I'm doing this because you deserve it.
You're actually one of
the best lawyers I know,
and one of the best people I know,
and I refuse to let you
bring yourself down
with your whole
"I don't give a crap" shtick.
Okay?
So how 'bout get back out there?
After you.
And I told him, "you turn
this schooner back to shore,
or I'm going to mount
your head in my study."
Objection! He totally did it.
Objection? Your face did it.
Can we make him stop talking?
This kid thinks Trent's a hero.
Can you believe that?
He's got it totally backwards.
But I've got this terrible case coming up.
Grandma keeps selling
ice cream without a license.
Trent's gunning for time.
We'll see who the hero is then.
It's gonna be a sob fest.
Can't wait.
Well, I'm glad you're the
office's passionate idealist.
By the way, how did it go last night?
Did you sell your soul to get a plaque
you're gonna have to pay for?
You know how Nina can be
overbearing and really annoying.
Well, last night was different.
It was nice.
- Nice, like...
- No, no, no, no,
not like that.
Just, she helped me feel okay
in a fancy world I don't belong.
- Sounds like Titanic.
- No.
She helped me fake it,
you know, with all those people.
Ah, My Fair Lady.
No, no, no.
It's just, it's been a while since
I've been in a relationship.
- The teamwork...
- Uh-huh.
Felt good.
Just for one day.
- That's Moulin Rouge.
- Not Moulin Rouge.
After repeated citations,
Ms. Gonzalez has once again
violated section 16, title 21,
vending dairy products without a license.
No permit, must not acquit.
Your Honor, Ms. Gonzalez's only crime
was selling ice cream.
What?
She violated multiple health codes
and permit laws for the fourth time.
Wait, what's so bad
about selling ice cream?
No talking.
It was cute at first.
Now, I'm over it.
So the people are seeking jail time?
- That is correct, Your Honor.
- That lady can't go to jail!
- Walter, shh.
- Are you kidding me?
She didn't even do anything.
She doesn't deserve to go to jail.
Walter, be quiet.
Ugh.
You're out of order.
You're out of order!
A five-minute recess Your Honor?
Sure, whatever. It's not like
I'm in charge or anything.
Walter, wait, wait.
Why are you doing this?
It's my job.
She was just selling ice cream.
Look.
The law's the law.
And sometimes, the law comes down hard
on innocent nice old ladies.
Why aren't you stopping him?
I got her the best deal I possibly could.
So he's evil and you're useless.
Ugh!
Hey, so I hear it's in the bag.
All right, hey hey.
Hold your horses, all right.
Nothing's in the bag.
- Except booze?
- Yeah.
Well, that should never be in a bag.
Let's go. Pour these out.
I cannot wait to mount Mitch's head.
There's a Mitch I'd like to scratch.
Yeah, that was... sorry.
Ohh... oh, that's gross.
Oh, there he is.
Speak of the devil and he appears.
I came to concede your work.
Just read the official tweet.
Wow, well I guess I'm not
a plus-sized model, am I?
I could totally get catalog work.
Actually, I'm conceding to Nina.
Congratulations.
You are the P.D. of the year.
Wait,
I'm P.D. of the year?
I'm P.D of the...
I'm P.D. of the year.
Hey, congrats, huh?
Hmm.
Wow, these are laughably small cups.
I'm going to be in the bar
where they have regular-sized
alcoholic containers.
Cop a Phil.
Tough loss.
I remember the first time I lost...
What are you... what?
That was my mother's tie.
There you go.
Phil, I had... I had no... I didn't know.
- Hey, congratulations.
- Oh, thanks.
Well, way to go there, Nino.
Thank you.
Hey, counselor.
- Hey.
- Heard about your win.
Did a good job at the club.
Yeah, a little too good, apparently.
Hey, sometimes it's lonely at the top.
You remember when we crushed
the Hanson's Easter egg hunt?
Yeah, and no one would sit
with us at brunch afterwards.
Yeah, but it felt good
'cause we were winners.
Yeah, we were winners with
85 inedible hard-boiled eggs.
Mmm.
I don't even know how I got in the running
for this stupid thing.
Well, I recommended you.
What?
Why would you do that?
You've done an amazing job here.
Hey, congrats on the award
and on getting over me.
Thank you.
Phil.
Phil, I am so sorry.
I did not know that that was gonna happen.
It's fine.
No, it came out of nowhere.
It was like Pearl Harbor
and I was the harbor.
Or no, sorry, I was Japan.
Actually, I think that the award
would probably be Japan.
- Seriously, Nina, it's fine.
- No, it's not fine.
You have every right
to be furious with me.
Yeah, well, I'm not. So, we're fine.
Okay, every time you say you're fine,
you sound less fine.
Listen, Nina, the truth is
it's a meaningless award.
Yeah, that you deserve.
Yeah, well you really put a lot of effort
into making me think that I had a shot.
What? No, I didn't mean...
I didn't mean to do that.
- I mean, I did...
- Look, it's my fault, okay?
None of this stuff used
to ever matter to me,
but somehow you convinced
me to care and I just,
I shouldn't have fallen for it.
Fallen for what?
Is it so bad to care about something
for once in your life?
Stupid!
Idiot!
Failure!
So what? I can end up like that?
Philm Noir.
Ninaste.
Oops, just on my way
to the recycling plant.
- Eat a dick, Mitch.
- Will do.
Look, I was just trying to help you.
No, you were helping yourself, Nina.
It's never about anybody but you.
You think I did this for me?
I just wanted you to want it.
What am I, some project to you?
You trying to turn me into
your douche bag ex-boyfriend?
Huh? Well, it's not gonna work.
I'm not that guy, okay?
I will never be that guy.
Fine.
Well then, fine.
It's because you're a girl!
You won because you're a girl!
Yeah, 'cause us gals,
we just get it all handed to us.
- Enjoy your reign.
- Okay.
Oh, what a sad man.
Whatever.
Oh, mm-hmm.
Okay.
I knew you'd be back for this beaut.
Maria and I are done.
I'm so sorry.
- Don't be.
- Oh.
Hey, Mr. Carlos.
Hey Walt... clippers!
Glen "big baby" Davis.
I'm really not a baby.
I'm a grown-ass man.
This is what a big brother's all about.
Just ladies, bentleys,
and shopping sprees.
- You're a big brother.
- Yeah. I love the kids.
Especially this one. He's so cute.
Mc Walt. Show him how you moonwalk.
Moonwalk. Moonwalk.
Isn't that good?
Well, it's...
- Tell him it's great.
- It's great.
what's so bad
about selling ice cream?
No talking.
It was cute at first.
Now, I'm over it.
So the people are seeking jail time?
- That is correct, Your Honor.
- That lady can't go to jail!
- Walter, shh.
- Are you kidding me?
She didn't even do anything.
She doesn't deserve to go to jail.
Walter, be quiet.
Ugh.
You're out of order.
You're out of order!
A five-minute recess Your Honor?
Sure, whatever. It's not like
I'm in charge or anything.
Walter, wait, wait.
Why are you doing this?
It's my job.
She was just selling ice cream.
Look.
The law's the law.
And sometimes, the law comes down hard
on innocent nice old ladies.
Why aren't you stopping him?
I got her the best deal I possibly could