Benched (2014): Season 1, Episode 10 - Solitary Refinement - full transcript

It's not just the car,

it's the precious car-go.

Oh, good, good.

Yeah, let's go right to
this commercial again.

Prius: A part of the family.

[Sobbing] I'm so alone.

- Wild weekend?
- What? No, no, I stayed in.

I stayed in, and I watched some TV,
caught up on my old DVR.

I cyber-stalked a few people from
high school, so they're doing well.

I was being sarcastic.

[Gavel bangs] People versus Jimson.



People have made their statement.

Mr. Jimson.

- Yes, Your Honor.
- Okay, uh, Mr. Jimson.

I just got to say one last time,
as your appointed lawyer,

I strongly advise against you
representing yourself.

You are not my lawyer,
and I do not need you.

If it pleases the court,

this lady's presence
is completely unnecessary.

He's telling you to sit. Yeah, I got that.

I got the gesture. Okay.

Hey, Micah.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my client... has been accused falsely

of stealing a car,
but on the night in question,



my client... myself...
Has the exact same Alibi

as Ms. White Lady has on any given night:

In our respective homes, alone,

drinking wine from a box...
Or while sitting inside of one.

No loved ones calling to check in,

no friends dropping by,

zero human contact

for hours.

And yet, no one's accusing her of
stealing a car. Why would they?

Because no one saw her stealing a car

just like no one saw me
stealing a car, and that is...

According to web sites that
I looked at at the Apple Store...

That is called reasonable doubt.

No further talking, Your Honor.

Sustained.

Actually, not a bad opening.

[Rock music]

♪ Hey now ♪

Benched - 01x10
Solitary Refinement

♪ hey now ♪

I am so happy that I decided

to stick around for that show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, very amusing.

You know, he actually made
some pretty good points.

Did you really cry
during a car commercial?

You know what, everyone hugged,

even the wheaten terrier.

- Well, that is a very huggable breed.
- You know what, it's just been a long time

since I've been embraced or even...

- Oh, God, no. God, no.
- What?

That is Francine Deal, and
we went to law school together,

and she works in a big firm now,
and she's married

to one of Trent's friends,
and I haven't seen her

since Trent and I broke up,
and I do not need to see her

when I'm so un-Nina.

Oh, come on, you are very...

[Loudly] Nina Whitley, what?

- [Muttering] Oh, my God. You are wonderful.
- Oh, my God. Nina.

Didn't even see you there.

- Both: Hi.
- Oh, my... hi.

Oh, my God, what brings you down here

to misdemeanor court, huh?

I... I work here now, actually.

- Oh.
- I do, yeah.

I thought it was time
to start giving back.

Totally get it. I'm here doing pro bono.

I mean, the firm made me, but you know...

- Of course.
- Hi. Francine.

- Hey, Phil Quinlen.
- Yeah.

You know, Phil and I are... we're so busy

running from one thing to the next thing...

- Well, we should grab lunch.
- Yeah, we were just...

- We are so busy, I...
- You're not busy.

I'm busy. She's free.

[Chuckling]

He knows my schedule so well.

Mr. Corda, please approach.

I heard about the divorce.

It's an emotional roller coaster, huh?

It's like a season pass
to tragic mountain.

- How are you holding up?
- I'm fine, thank you.

- Well, you look good.
- Okay.

It's obviously serving you well.

So you seeing anyone?
Are you getting back out there?

Your Honor, is there something
pertaining to the case?

Oh, are you embarrassed?
Don't be embarrassed.

- Be excited.
- Okay.

- I'm excited.
- Okay.

All right, head on back.
We'll get this thing rolling.

[Clicks tongue]

So then after the divorce,

I moved into the tiniest place
you've ever seen.

Wow, here I thought that
you were gonna be telling me

all about your husband
and your new baby and your partnership.

Instead it's...
It's this stuff, which is great.

I mean, it's... it's very sad.
But that's life, right?

I mean, we took a hit, but
we're getting back out there.

Speaking of which, what is the deal
with your friend from earlier?

What, Phil?

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

- Is there something with you guys?
- No. Oh, God, no.

No, uh-uh. No, no, no.

I just... I've always thought
of him as more of, like,

a one-night stand kind of guy.

Oh, hit it and quit it. Perfect.

[Chuckles] Yes.

Oh, okay. Okay.

Did I mention that his hobbies
are scratch tickets and gin?

So how about this?

You set me up with Phil,
and then I will set you up

with this great guy from my firm.

- Oh.
- His name's Harold.

- Yeah, um...
- Perf.

- Perfect.
- Okay.

Did someone...

- Who did this?
- Maybe it's your birthday.

I forgot my birthday once. Everyone did.

It was last Tuesday.

"To Carlos, tie this on
for size, Anne-Marie."

Who is Anne-Marie? Judge Annemarie Conner?

Why would a judge send me a tie?

Maybe she just thinks you wear ugly ties.

I could see that.

Maybe she wants to have sex with you, hmm?

I know a sex tie when I see one.

What? This isn't a sex tie.

Sex tie. She wants to hit that.

- [Chuckles]
- Ooh. Dry clean only.

Kind of impractical for a sex tie.

Okay, everyone stop saying "sex tie."

- How was that lunch?
- It was actually pretty great.

It wasn't as humiliating
as I thought it would be.

What'd you think of Francine?

- What, like a number?
- Yeah, or words like an adult.

Mm, she's cute, but I don't know.

She seemed a bit, uh...

[Whistles]

Okay, I don't know...
I don't know what that is.

- Fancy.
- Okay.

How is this and that and...

Tea drinking, monocle adjusting. Fancy.

Well, she is not fancy anymore.

She's a divorcee with no standards.

I told her that you were,
like, the hit it and quit it,

one and done, woof it and hoof it,

love 'em and leave 'em, lick it, stick it,

leave before you get a ticket kind of guy.

She was all about it.

Well, then give me her number.

Just like that? Wow. What was it?

The no standards bit? That's what got you?

- That's what hooked you?
- That didn't hurt.

Now, I know you may love
staying home alone every night,

but I do not, and I'd invite you along,

but I'm sure you've got
a busy night of boxed wine

- and The Bachelor ahead of you.
- I do not... I do not drink boxed wine.

I drink from a bottle
like a normal person,

and The Bachelor was on last night.

[Chuckles] I didn't think you could do it.

Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- What's going on? Is the jury back in?
- Yeah, like, 20 minutes ago.

- Okay, why wouldn't anyone tell me?
- Because you were not needed.

They're gonna have to retry.

It's a hung jury.
This little fella's on to something

with that whole lonely-Nina defense.

Ho! [Both laughing]

- Fellow counselor.
- Wow.

Hee-hee! [Both laughing]

Hey, I was looking for you.
I just want to say thank you.

- Phil is fantastic.
- Oh.

- Oh, you guys already went out?
- Yeah.

And he's already...
He's already fantastic, okay.

Yeah, he called me yesterday.
We went for drinks.

Why didn't anything ever happen
between you guys?

Oh, God, no, I don't really
think of him like that, you know?

Plus he... I work with him, and, you know,

he's taken a few laps around
the old stenographer pool, so...

But I'm good... happy for you guys.

Oh, my God.
Now it's my turn to set you up.

You're gonna love Harold. Oh, my God.

Yes, I'm gonna text him
about you right now.

- Okay, it's happening.
- [Squealing]

I'm going on a date. [Chuckles]

And the man you stopped
just blocks from the scene

- was the defendant.
- Objection. Leading.

Overruled. Continue.

And this man looked like
he could kick open a door?

Objection. Conjecture.

Take a hint, Mr. Corda. Overruled.

Micah, what does she mean, "overruled?"

I think she means,
"didn't I give you a sex tie?"

Your Honor, the defense would
like to request a brief recess.

And she told you the defendant
stole Mr. Dundee's records?

Objection, Your Honor. Hearsay.

Sustained.

Now you're getting it.

So how does it sound?

Uh, you sure you want to do this?

Of course I'm sure.
Why wouldn't I be sure?

Well, it's just that you,
a man, will be officially

accusing the judge,
a woman, of sexual harassment.

Okay, once this gets to
the judicial conduct committee,

it's out there, and...

And what?

You are the sex tie guy,
and everyone will laugh.

Who's... no one's gonna laugh, Phil.

Did they laugh at Susan B. Anthony?
Did they laugh at Rosa Parks?

In what universe is this
the same as either of those?

Did they laugh at the ladies
from Nine to Five?

Yes, it was a very popular comedy film.

You wouldn't question it
if I were a woman.

Okay. Did you give back the tie?

I will submit it
if they need it as evidence,

- otherwise, it is a nice tie.
- Yeah.

Well, you didn't waste
any time with Francine.

How was the date? Or... I'm sorry.

The liquoring up until she's
drunk enough to sleep with you?

No, no liquoring up...
Well, aside from a nice Malbec.

Then I drove her home. That's it.

Wow, I don't know what's more surprising,

the fact you didn't schtup her
or that you know what malbec is.

We're actually gonna go out again.

Oh, really?

Yeah, crazy, right?

- I have a date too.
- Oh, really.

Yes. His name is Harold.

- That doesn't sound made up at all.
- It's not made up. He's a real guy.

He is a coworker of Francine's actually.

Hmm, and what do you
and Harold have planned?

We haven't ironed out all the deets yet,
but I'll tell you what the only box

we're gonna be drinking from is a...

I'm gonna abandon that.

Not really sure where that was even going.

Yeah.

Okay, so should we just
do drinks, or like, a full meal?

I mean, and should I pick the place or...

I should probably let Harold
pick the place.

No, but if he picks a bad place...

Okay, Nina, relax.

- It's just a date.
- Okay, you're right.

I just... it's been a while.
What are you and Phil gonna do?

We should do a double date,
keep it low key.

Oh, God, that'd be great.

Well, I would offer up my place,
but it is really small.

Like, it's a step below a sh... hole.

It's just a sh... there's no hole.

My place is a complete sh... hole.

I mean, it seats four uncomfortably...

Very, very uncomfortably.

- Good. Great.
- So let's do it there.

- So we're going on a double date.
- We're going on a double date.

Uh, so it looks like
a laundromat from the outside,

but inside it's a speakeasy.

I mean, does this guy know
the coolest first date spots?

Well, if you got to do laundry,
you might as well be drunk.

- [Both chuckle] [Knock at door]
- Oh, okay, so there he is.

So great. So great.

Forget that he's late.
You're gonna love him.

No, fashionably late.

That is so cool, and an hour
late, that's like, extra cool.

Good.

Both: Hi.

- It's so...
- So sorry I'm late.

- Don't worry about it.
- Harold. Hi.

- Yup.
- You must be Phil.

- Hi. Nina.
- Hi.

You must be Nina. Thanks so much.

- Sorry, again.
- Yeah, right over...

- Okay.
- Here I am.

[Both chuckle] Apologize about that.

Hey, so is everything okay, Harold?

Yes. Yeah, fine.

So...

Okay, I am sorry.
I was not gonna bring this up,

but, um, I saw a man die tonight.

[Gasps]

But this is a party,

so I don't want to bring things down,
so let's just forget it.

I think that might be hard to move past.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Um, no, it just... he, um,
he got hit by a food truck.

Oh.

It just came out of nowhere, you know.
And, um, you're a person, you know,

and then you're just
so many little objects,

you know, on the sidewalk, and, um...

- Oh, that's terrible.
- Yeah.

What kind of food truck?

- It was, uh, crepes.
- Crepes.

Oh, God, it's such a...
That's such a shame, you know?

Not that getting hit by
any food truck is a good thing,

but that just seems especially senseless.

Nobody should be buying crepes
from a truck is my point.

You know what, let's get you a drink.

So, Harold, what kind of law
do you practice?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I... I kind of have this rule
about not talking about work

on the weekend, so...

It's pretty non-negotiable.

- Enough said.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, got it.
- Yeah.

- Message received.
- Okay.

- We can talk about anything else.
- Sure.

I do civil war reenactments, so...

What else? Um, what else?

- I'm in a darts league.
- Oh, cool.

Are you in any leagues?

I'm not. I'm not in any leagues.

Um...

So anybody want another chicken skewer?

- I got this recipe off the funnest site.
- Oh, oh, Francine, that reminds me.

What was the name of that place
that we went

that had the amazing roast chicken?

- Paglioni's.
- Yes, yes, yes.

- You know, I've wanted to go...
- [Snaps]

You were such a baby because there was
that one lone caper they got in your food.

No, but that was because

I specifically asked for no capers.

- Yeah.
- Ha, right.

- Like it's so hard to eat one caper.
- Oh, my God, shut up. No one asked you.

Well, they should have.

- Nina, any thoughts on capers?
- Oh, I... sorry, Phil.

I actually don't like to talk
about capers on the weekends.

Strict policy. [Chuckles]

[Clears throat] I'm kidd... I'm kidding.

- Oh.
- I just don't get the joke.

Is it me, or does he seem
really into Francine?

I totally picked up on that,
and she... she seems into him.

I don't see how that's possible.
What, me as second choice?

Thanks, uh, okay,
but I could be his second choice?

No, you know what...
Plus they work together.

- So?
- So it'd be like if we dated.

- We should, uh, get back out.
- We should get out there.

- Yeah, you got that?
- Yep.

Okay.

Who wants tiramisu?

Ooh.

- Oh, I'll just...
- Yeah, okay.

- Harold, would you like some?
- Is it, uh... is it store-bought?

Yes, I did purchase it at a bakery.

Mm.

You know, Francine makes
the best tiramisu.

No, I buy mine from a bakery too.

Well, it's really good.

I just... I don't know if
I can go back to regular here.

- Well, we both buy them at a bakery.
- Okay, can you just stop?

Please, I just...

I'm sorry, I just...

I need to say something.

Okay.

Tonight I saw a man die.

- Yeah.
- Right.

And it just made me realize
that life is short,

and I don't want to
just spend another night,

you know, chitchatting about stupid stuff

and eating store-bought tiramisu.

- Again, we both buy...
- Because the truth is, Francine,

we've worked together for over a year now,

and there's a thing here.

So I need to do something about it,
because life is short.

You only go around once.

So what do you say, hmm?

Will you take a shot with me?

Yes.

Yes. Yes, yes.

We should. Oh, my gosh.

- God!
- Oh, this is so right.

- [Moaning]
- It's just so right.

[Both mouthing words] Feels so good.

- I saw a man die.
- [Stammering]

Good night. Good night.
Oh, we know you saw a man die.

Well, that was stupid of them.

So weird.

Ah, do you need help cleaning up?

Oh, no, no, no, I mean...

You know, there's probably still time.

You could go find a rando,

you guys could go to
some secret Tequila bar

inside of a post office,
or whatever, you know,

cool-guy thing you do on a Saturday night.

Well, you know, it's not gonna be cool

if dorks like you know about it, so...

[Laughs] Oh, okay.

Well, good... good night.

Yeah.

- Right.
- Thank you.

Yeah.

- Hey, Carlos.
- Hey.

Oh, and I meant that like,
"hey, Carlos," not...

[Suggestively] "Hey, Carlos."

Yeah, and when I held open
the elevator door for you,

I wasn't expecting anything in return

except maybe a handjob.

It doesn't work when I say it.

Why is this funny? [Both chuckle]

A man can't be sexually harassed?

I don't know. You tell me.

Take your hand off my ass, Larry.

Hey, how was the rest of your weekend?

You know what? It was really good.

I patched things up with Harold,
and we drove to Vegas,

got married, and I'm carrying his child.

Yeah, I had a feeling about you two.

- [Laughs]
- Hey, before I forget.

Guess who's taking over your retrial?

So I was thinking
if you get a minute today,

- you could help me debrief.
- I'm, like, booked solid all day.

Okay, well,
the trial's not until tomorrow.

- You want to meet up after work?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

- Like the usual, like Don Guerdo's, or...
- Yeah, you know, I was... I was thinking

we could try something different.

You know that, uh, Paglioni's?

You know, class it up a little bit?

Okay, yeah. Um, it's a date.

It's not a date. It's a debriefing.

- But I'll keep my briefs on.
- All right.

- Okay, we'll play that by ear.
- Yeah, okay.

- All right, I'll see you tonight.
- Okay.

Carlos.

Your Honor.

I heard about the complaint
that you filed.

I've been going through
a really hard time too recently.

My husband just died.

He got trampled by our daughter's pony.

I know this probably sounds so stupid,

but I just thought, like,
maybe by seeing his tie in court

now and again, that it would ease

some of the pain that I feel.

I'm so sorry,

and I completely misinterpreted it.

Don't worry.

I'm going to withdraw
the complaint right now.

[Elevator dings]

Carlos.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

Just wanted to thank you.

- For what?
- Reporting Judge Conner.

I knew it.

- It was a sex tie!
- What'd she make you do with a tie?

- Wear it to court once.
- That's it?

She was pretty mean
when I didn't wear it at first...

Man, talk to me when she sends you stuff

to wear under your clothes

then tells you to text her pictures of it!

Wear a tie to court.

Was it a weird tie?

- It was quite stylish actually.
- Get out of my face! Jesus Christ.

- Nina.
- Hey.

So, so sorry about Friday night.

No, no, no, no.

No need to apologize. No. No, I get it.

I mean, the man of your dreams
right under your nose?

Come on. How was it?

It was the biggest mistake of my life.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Oh, my God, do I have to quit my job now?

- What... what happened?
- It was just a total disaster

start to finish.

So much crying by him.

You know, he used to be my favorite person

at the office, and now I'm just
trying to avoid him.

Anyway, I have to go. It's...

Ugh.

So it seems that the key
to this case is, don't be you?

Yeah. Yeah. No, that's... that's
pretty much the long and short of it.

All right, well, business achieved.

Thank you very much. I need another.

- Should we get another drink?
- Yeah, let's-absolutely.

Or maybe... maybe not.
Maybe we don't get a drink.

- Maybe we...
- Yeah.

We just probably should...

- Call it a night?
- Call it.

- Let's call it a night.
- Yeah.

- Just get the check.
- So...

It's a shame about
Francine and Harold, huh?

Such a... I mean, such a shame,
but that is what happens

when you try to make something
work and, um, it just...

It doesn't, you know?

- That's true. That's true.
- It's kind of...

- Well, thank you again, pal.
- Yeah, here you go, buddy.

Oh, thank you, and, uh, all right.

All right, well,adios, amigo.

That's Spanish for friend, so...

Got it.

All right, well, I will see you in the...

- Come on.
- Okay.

[Chuckles]

Oh, screw you, car.

Yeah, yeah. Keep hugging that kid.

He's gonna grow up to be a giant pussy.

[Scoffs] [Phone beeps]

[Laughing] Okay.

Great, now I got to think of a Phil.

Ugh. [Laughs]

[Elevator dings]

That's...

Aaah!

I want to apologize for...

My husband died when he sleep...
because a dog attack... Aaah!