Becker (1998–2004): Season 6, Episode 11 - Snow Means Snow - full transcript

II

Oh, I hate the cold.

It cuts right
through your clothes

and chills you to the bone.

My hands are like ice.

-Here, feel.
-Aah! Put those away!

What's the matter with you?

Oh, sorry.

You're in a lovely mood.

Well, now, why do women do that?

It's always:
"My hands are cold. Feel."



How come it's never:
"My breasts are cold. Feel"?

Gee, I don't know.

I'll bring it up
at the next meeting.

I'll tell you why I hate winter.

It's dishonest.

Sure, it comes on
all white and beautiful,

and then it's five months
of dirty slush,

and everyone is in
the foulest mood.

God, I love this weather!

Ha! Whoo!

Boy, not only is it
cold and flu season,

which is a doctor's
meat and potatoes,

but it's all those
cold weather injuries.

Snowball concussions,



sleds into trees,
hot chocolate in the lap.

It's like a winter wonderland
out there.

Man, it's cold out there.

Uh, is... is that Hector?

I'm not sure.

Uh, how many sweaters
are you wearing?

One for each pair of pants.

The heater in my Jeep is broken,
which doesn't matter because

I'm going to have to sell it.
I can't afford the payments.

JAKE: Well, you know,
it's your own damn fault.

You should just
get a job already.

I mean, you didn't even look
during Christmas.

What do you mean,
like being Santa?

I tried that last year.

You wouldn't believe

how many parents
give their kids juice

while they're waiting in line.

By the end of the day,
I smelled like a cat blanket.

Okay, who's heard enough?

(all mumbling assent)

Ah, wow.

Look at this beautiful ad
for Bermuda.

Oh, the sun, the palm trees.

People walking hand in hand
on a beautiful deserted beach.

Hey, we should go.

-What?
-Yeah, yeah. No, I mean it.

I'm getting over the flu.
I could use a vacation.

Hey, I could go online.
I could book us a trip.

We could be there
in a couple days.

What, you crazy? Oh, come on.

Who just picks up
and goes, like,

-the last minute like that?
-Hey.

People who want to have fun
and are spontaneous.

People who want a little romance
in their lives.

What does that have to do
with us?

Well, apparently nothing.

Why are you being
so resistant to this?

I'm not being resistant. I...

I'm just saying

it's never as pretty
as it looks;

the rooms are small;

the beaches are packed;
kids pee in the swimming pool;

mosquitoes, sunburn,
sand mites...

Well, you forgot
about the pirates.

You mock,
but they still exist, pal.

Oh, come on.

Ah, just forget it. Forget it.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

-I just thought it would be fun.
-What? No, no, look.

It's not that
I don't want to go.

It's just, come on,
be realistic.

You got to plan these things
months in advance.

Otherwise, you know,
they cost you a fortune.

What if I could get us the trip
for cheap?

Ah, the magic words.

Say, for like, uh, $200 each.
Would you go?

0h, if he won't go, take me.

Bermuda?

-Mm-hmm.
-For 200 bucks?

Yeah, all right, fine, I'll go.

Sure. Why not? (chuckles)

You'll see, John.
It'll be romantic.

You know, we might even find one
of those nude beaches.

Yeah, right, with all those
droopy breasts and hairy backs.

(Jake laughing)

Not the ones I've been to.

What?

Occasionally I like
to go au naturel.

Again, who's heard enough?

So you really think
this guy is perfect for me?

What does he look like?

Is he cute?

Is he tall?

Is he...

vomiting a lot?

He's not? Oh, good.

Well, call back if he does.

Bye-bye.

Linda, give it up.

You're not being paid to arrange
blind dates over the phone.

Blind date? Please.

I'm not that desperate.

That was my psychic.

And she told me
that in two days

I'm going to meet the man
of my dreams.

Psychics?! 0h!
Those people are all fakes.

Nuh-uh.

She was very specific
about how I would meet him.

She said that
she saw the letter "M,"

and "M" is the 13th letter
of the alphabet,

and everyone knows
13's an unlucky number.

And, every Thursday night,

I have a drink
at a bar called...

Are you ready for this?

Lucky's?

No, Friday's.

And Friday the 13th is unlucky.

So can I leave early Thursday?
Thanks.

You're welcome, and no,

you may not leave early
Thursday, because I am.

It's my anniversary,

and Lewis is giving me
a very special present.

He's leaving town.

Lewis gets a golf trip
with his brother,

and I get four blissful days
without Lewis.

So, you’re staying home alone
is more important

than me meeting my soul mate
and the father of my children?

Well, what do you know?

You're psychic, too.

Look, I'll admit

peeing your name in the snow
is good drunken fun

if your name is,
like, Joe Smith.

But if it's ten below

and your name
is Stanislav Kabacinski,

you know, you're just a...

you're just a case of frostbite
waiting to happen.

Ooh, what did you
treat him with?

Gloves.

Pack your bags, John.

We're going to Bermuda.

-What? Oh, you're kidding me.
-No.

I went on this Web site.

There was a last-minute
cancellation.

We go in two days.

Oh, you know, I know
I said that I would go,

but, you know,
I didn't think this through.

I-I have patients.

0h, we can always call
the referral service

and have them send over a doctor
to cover for you.

Thank you, Margaret.

You're so helpful.

-That takes care
of your patients. -No, I...

Look, I don't have
the right clothes.

I-I don't have shots.
I don't have a passport.

You don't need a passport.

-They just let anybody in?
-Uh, look...

Look, John, you promised,

if I could get a deal
on this trip, you'd go.

Well, I worked my butt off
to get one,

so you better get
your black socks,

your Bermuda shorts

and your bony knees
on that plane.

Ooh, there's a picture
I could've done without.

Hey, do you mind if I, uh,
drop this stuff off here?

I don't want to lug it
all the way to the office.

I'll be back to pick you up
after work.

Uh, John, what did you pack?

We're only going away
for four days.

0h, here... let me, uh...
let me show you here.

Just a, uh, few
of the necessities.

(chuckling)

-Macadamia nuts, Snickers,
-Yeah. Yeah.

-Toblerone, cashew nuts...
-Yeah.

Why are you bringing
all this stuff?

They have a minibar
in the hotel.

Yeah, sure they do,
but at ten times the price.

This-this two-dollar candy bar
right here--

15 bucks in the room.

He's right.

I once did the math
on a can of hotel cashews.

-Buck-50 a nut, hand to God.
-BECKER: Yeah.

Oh, look, what,

you're going to bring all
your own food and eat it there?

No, no, no-- that'd be silly.

No, I'm going to eat theirs
and replace it with mine.

Why?

A $15 chocolate bar?

Come on. It tastes better.
Use your head.

Oh, man,
it's freezing out there.

Hey, Jake, just so you know,

Hector's going to be running
the place while I'm gone.

You mean if you're gone.
I just heard on the news

there might be a snowstorm
coming through.

Snow? Wh-When's it
going to snow?

-Coffee?
-Yeah, yeah, thanks.

Well, you-you know, we'd better
get to the airport early.

Uh, you know, I can't do that.

I-I have patients scheduled
to the end of the day.

You know, you're worrying
about this too much.

Those idiot weather people
are always wrong.

I don't know.
That really cute one

on Channel 2 is pretty accurate.

What, did-did she say
when it's gonna start?

Is she the one
that used to be a stripper?

Wh-Wh-When? Today?
Tonight? What...?

Yeah, I love it
when she leans over

and shows you Florida.

-When is the damn snow coming?
-BECKER: Hey, hey, hey.

Come here, come here, come here.

Hey, you...

if you're going to worry
about this trip

and stress out like that,
you know,

I think maybe we ought
to think about not going.

I mean, I know
I'm all packed and ready to go,

but this is not about me.
You're my priority here.

All right, I tell you what.
It's settled. We're staying.

-We're going.
-0kay, we're going.

See how, uh, spontaneous I am?

LINDA: It's definitely
coming down harder.

That man on the corner
with no legs

is almost completely covered up.

Lewis, I don't care
if there is a travel advisory.

The odds of the bus skidding
off the road are... minimal.

Now... no, you get back
on that bus right now,

and you go visit your brother.

I don't want to see your face
when I get home.

I love you, too.

This is so cruel.

Somewhere out there
is the man of my dreams,

and instead of being wrapped
in his arms,

I'm stuck in here with you.

Yeah, well, I've got
an empty house, a big-screen TV

and a bottle of Merlot
waiting for me,

and I'm stuck here with you.

There are no patients.

Why are we stuck here?

Yeah.

It's snowing!

-We have to leave!
-Now!

N -Now!
- o
, no, no, no

Nobody's leaving.

John, there's only
an hour to go,

and you don't have
any more appointments.

You know what?
You do what you want.

-No...
-We are leaving. -Coo|.

Oh, yeah, sure, yeah,
just forget about me.

MARGARET:
Bye.

Yeah, forget
about the patients.

You know, just run out of here

'cause a couple of flakes
are coming down.

-0kay, see ya.
-(phone ringing)

See, right there. Look at that.

That's probably an emergency.

Thank God I'm still here.

At least somebody cares
about the patients.

Oh, What is it?

0h. Hey, hey, Chris, uh...

What? No, no. Come on.

Don't be silly. Look, we don't
have to leave early.

There's not gonna be a storm.

Whoa! Geez! Whoa!

Whew!

(panting)

What?

Ha! All right, so maybe...

maybe we should have
left a little earlier.

You think?

John, you're getting off
pretty easy.

I mean, most women would be so
pissed off at you right now...

I told you this would happen!

Ah, there it is.

But did you listen? No. No.

Now we'll probably never get
to the airport,

which is exactly
what you wanted anyway.

How can you say that? Look,
I was packed and everything.

But, you know,
maybe it's not too late.

Maybe you can still
get out of here.

(groans)

(gasping)

0h, shut the door! 0h!

0h, nothing is moving
out there!

You can't get a cab.
The buses aren't running.

And they even shutdown
the airport.

Happy?

LINDA:
Only a few subway stops away

is the man I'm supposed

to spend the rest
of my life with,

and I can't even get to him.

It's just like that movie
about the guy who was in love

with that beautiful woman,

only he couldn't get to her
because of this big snowstorm.

Dr. Zhivago?

No, it's the one in Russia.

Dr. Zhivago.

No. There was also, like,
a revolution in it

or something.

ALL:
Dr. Zhivago!

What's the difference?

It's just a movie.

(all groan)

This is my life! This is real!

Hey, hey, come on.

It's not so bad.
You know, so... so we, um...

we don't get to go to Bermuda.

The-the good thing
is that we're...

you know, we have each other.

I know what.
Why don't we stay home

and, uh, you know,
rent a video or something?

Maybe something tropical
like, um...

Dr. Zhivago?

You know what?
Your choice. You go ahead.

You know what?

I refuse to accept this.

Our connecting flight
leaves tonight from Atlanta.

There has got to be
a way to get there,

and I am gonna find it.

0h, give it up!

What?

I said... you never give up.

That's what I love about you.

LINDA:
Well, this blows.

The love of my life
is out there,

and I'll never meet him.

You know, I can't take
just sitting here anymore.

There's got to be
something we can do.

Hey, you know,
sometimes you just got to accept

that a situation
is beyond your control.

Nothing you can do about it.

Get your suitcase, John.

We're going to Bermuda.

What? No, we're not.

I mean, we are? Oh, good.
Well, good.

All we have to do
is get to Penn Station.

We get on a train to Philly.

From there, we hop on a flight
to Atlanta, which gets us in

an hour before our connecting
flight to Bermuda.

Uh, one problem.

How do we get to Penn Station?

I don't know.
I-I did all the hard part.

You think of something.

(all gasping)

Man, it's really
snowing out there.

I got to keep moving my Jeep,
or it's going to get plowed in.

Can I get some hot chocolate?

No, no, no,
you got to get your Jeep

and take me to Penn Station.

You have to take me home.

You have to take me downtown.

Take me first.

Take me.

No, do me first.
Please, please!

Wow.

Three women screaming,
"Do me first."

I've had this dream.

Relax, ladies.

I'll take you all
where you need to go.

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

My Jeep is parked
right outside.

Ah-ah. I'll be right back.

I'm just going to get
my suitcase.

Hey, Jake, come with me.

Yeah, you want company
for the ride back?

No, I need you so I can park
in the handicapped spot.

All right.

Say, uh... can I drive?

Why not? You can't see
anything out there anyways.

-Come on, John.
-JAKE: Whoa, it's cold!

CHRIS:
Whoo!

Let's go.

You're not moving.

How-how come you're not moving?

I don't... I don't want to go.

What?

You agreed to go on this trip.

Yeah, only 'cause I thought
we never would.

And then,
when you got the tickets,

I thought, all right,
I might as well go,

even though I didn't want to.

And then,
when it started to snow

and it looked like, you know,
we couldn't go,

I was okay with that because,
as I may have mentioned,

I didn't want to go.

Now that it looks like,

you know,
that we're actually going,

I feel like I have to tell you:

-I don't want to go.
-(Chris scoffs)

So what are you saying,

you don't want to do
anything different?

You want to just stay stuck
in the same old rut?

I like my rut.

That's why I made it.

You know, well,
that may work for you,

but that is not how
I want to live my life.

Now, look,
every once in a while,

I like to try
something different.

To try a new restaurant,
go to a party

and yes, even take a trip.

So you better give me a reason

why you don't want to go
on this vacation,

and it better be
a damn good one.

I like you.

I like you, too.

It's been nice chatting.

-Now, get off your ass
and let's go. -No, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Sit, sit.

Look, all right,
all right, all right.

Here it is.

Look, I... I don't do well
on vacations.

I mean, here we're good

because we have
these buffers, you know--

other people, work,
separate apartments--

but there, it's just going
to be the two of us,

in the same room together,
you know, for a long time.

I'm afraid,
after two or three days

of just being with me,
you're gonna...

you're gonna hate me.

0h, John.

-Well, you know...
-John... oh...

I hate you now.

Look, let's just go.

It'll be fine.

No, hey, come on. Trust me.

You know, it's happened before.

Girlfriends, a wife or two.

And it always started out great

until my first vacation
with them,

and then it all fell apart.

Of course, I blamed them,
but then...

you know, it occurred to me
after some soul-searching

and after enough people
said it right to my face,

that the one negative
in all my relationships is me.

Look, John...

If we can't spend
four days together,

we don't have a relationship.

We might as well
find that out now.

(horn honking)

So do we go or not?

You realize we're risking
everything we have.

Look, hey, I understand
what you're afraid of, okay,

and-and I'm touched
that you have the honesty

to share that with me,

but if you don't get up

and come with me right now,
I will kill you.

And they will not find your body

till it thaws in the spring.

Wow. Hey, you know...

first death threat,
we're not even on the plane.

Should be a great trip.
Oh, yeah, great trip.

Hey, Chris.

JAKE:
Hey, how was your trip?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, did you make it
to Bermuda?

Yes, yes, we did.

So did you have a good time?

I don't want to talk about it!

-0h, Chris, you're back.
-How was it?

She doesn't want
to talk about it.

Well, did you make it
to Bermuda?

She said she didn't want
to talk about it.

Gee, Chris, you don't have
to bite my head off.

Okay.

So, Linda, did you ever
meet your soul mate?

Nah. I waited at that bar
for hours, but nothing.

I ended up talking
to the bartender all night.

Great guy.

Really cute.

We had so much in common.

In fact, we're going out
to dinner tonight.

Oh, so that psychic was right.

You did meet the man
of your dreams.

No, he never showed up.

No, but, Linda, don't you see,
the bartender was...

0h, never mind.

So how was your weekend
without Lewis?

It was the strangest thing.
I missed him.

And then he came home.

Hey, everybody.

ALL:
Hi, John.

Hey, Dr. Becker.

You feeling any better
there, Chris?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

John, she won't tell us
anything about the trip.

-Was it that bad?
-No, let's just drop it.

-Yeah, what did you do?
-I didn't do anything.

Why do you assume
that I ruined our vacation?

Come on. Come on.
Tell them what happened.

Please.

Well, fine, fine.

We, uh, got the train to Philly,

then took the plane to Atlanta,

we made it to Bermuda,
and then we came home.

Why do I feel like
she's leaving something out?

Because she is.
All right, here, here.

I'll tell you what happened.

Okay, we got there, right,
and it was beautiful.

I mean, you get off the plane,
and a wave of warm

perfumed air
just washes over you.

And then you get to the hotel,
and the first thing they do

is they give you a drink
in a coconut shell.

I mean, I've never tasted
anything like that.

It was...
it had rum and grenadine and...

and then some other
exotic taste.

What-what was that?

Orange juice.

Really? Orange juice.

Oh, man.
Anyway, we-we sucked that down,

and then I, uh...
I go to, uh, check in,

and then Chris, who's just
so excited to be there,

she kicks off her shoes,
runs across the lobby

to go jump in the pool.

-(chuckling)
-With all her clothes on?

Yeah, with all her clothes on

because that's just
how spontaneous she is.

-That sounds like fun.
-0h, it looked fun, too,

right until she hit that patch
on the marble floor

where, uh, somebody had spilled
one of those coconut drinks.

Man, she went down
like a sack of...

well, coconuts, you know.

I've never seen an ankle
swell up that fast.

You're kidding.

Oh, my God. You poor thing.

That must have ruined
your whole vacation.

It did. It did.

I spent four days in a hotel bed

flat on my back,
whacked out on Vicodin.

But what did you do?

I got her the Vicodin.

And I, uh...

wiped the drool
from around her face

every once in a while.

Anyway, you know,
she passed out.

There wasn't much to do,
so I hit the beach.

Man, I tell you,
I had a great time.

I parasailed.

I slept.

Yeah, I snorkeled.

I slept.

-I swam with dolphins.
-0h, shut up!

Oh, I spent four days
in Bermuda,

and I didn't even know
I was there.

And my cold is back.
Damn you.

-What are you mad at me for?
-Because you didn't

even want to go.
If anyone should have

gotten hurt,
it should have been you.

Well, that's a terrible
thing to say.

0h, hey, the best part
about this,

the manager felt so bad--

apparently he was afraid
of a lawsuit,

which I may or may not
have threatened--

anyway, uh, he, uh...
he decided

to comp the entire vacation.

And here's the best part:

He gave us a voucher
for next year.

-I cannot wait to go back.
-Wow.

(mocking):
"I cannot wait to go back."

What a story, huh?

I mean, here I was worried
to go on a vacation

with the woman I cared about,

and it turns out
it was no problem.

The woman just has to be
unconscious. That's all.

I hate you!

Oh, come on, now.
That's just the drugs talking.