Becker (1998–2004): Season 6, Episode 1 - What's Love Got to Do with It? - full transcript
John and Chris address their developing relationship. Chris tries to have a hospital bill reduced. Jake sells his dreadlocks to pay his rent.
Last time on Becker...
-John?
-Yeah?
I love you.
What'd you just say?
I love you.
You know, I've been thinking
about you all...
I can't get you out of my mind.
I've been dreaming about you.
Well...
I guess this means
I-I-I think I love you, too.
No. I-I do.
My God, I love you.
And how are we feeling?
I love you.
Ready to go?
I love you.
I love you, too.
I love you.
One shot of Demerol,
they love everything.
II
That's weird.
The lights are out.
(cash registers dings)
MARGARET:
Who's that?
Someone's robbing
the diner. Hey!
(screams)
Please, just take all the money.
Just don't hurt me.
I have a wife and five kids.
Jake?
-Is that you?
Margaret? Linda?
What are you doing back there?
I'm setting up the register
for Chris.
And, might I say, putting on
a remarkable show of bravery.
Your wife and five kids
-would be very proud of you.
-0kay, okay.
All right, just-just
leave me alone, all right?
And wh-why would you sneak up
on a guy like that?
Well, we didn't know it was you.
What happened to your hair?
Where are your dreadlocks?
I sold them.
You sold your hair?
Listen, I was behind on my rent.
This wig place offered me
500 bucks for them.
Is it hideous?
-Uh-uh. No. Mm-mm.
-No. Not at all.
-Morning, everyone.
-JAKE: Hey.
-Welcome back, Chris.
-MARGARET: Chris, Chris!
MARGARET:
Chris, how are you feeling?
-0h...
-Yeah, we heard what happened.
I'm okay, I'm okay. Hey.
I just had an appendectomy.
I've been recuperating
a few days. I felt fine.
-0h, too tight, too tight.
-0h!
Anyway, John said I
could come back to work.
Hey, Jake.
0h, nice, uh... nice haircut.
Oh, you really like it?
Yeah, yeah, it looks nice!
So, what happened?
-Did you know you were
that sick? -No, no, no.
I was feeling queasy all day,
but when I got home,
it just got worse,
so I went downstairs
to John for help
and puked on his shoes.
Too bad you didn't puke
on the rest of his wardrobe.
Hey.
His clothes may suck,
but let me tell you,
John was amazing.
He practically carried me
to the hospital,
got me the best surgeon,
held my hand,
told me I'd be okay.
You would be impressed
at how compassionate he was.
Yeah?!
Up yours, Bojangles!
I was not giving you a buck!
I was just reaching into your
hat to get change for the meter!
Well, you kind of had
to be there.
Where's that lazy bastard, Bob?
He was supposed to fix my sink.
-He's on vacation.
-Since when?
I'm guessing since right after
you asked him to fix your sink.
Ah... weasel.
-Nice haircut there, pal.
-Really?
Yeah. A lot better
than that Medusa thing
you had going on.
0h, John, don't tell me
you started smoking again.
-I swear, you...
-Yeah, relax, will you?
It's candy. See? Mmm. Ha!
I got all the perks of smoking
without the smoke,
and it's peppermint,
so it makes my breath all minty.
(blows)
Huh? Ha-ha! Yeah.
Hell of a stress reliever, too.
Chris! Coffee!
So, Dr. Becker, Chris told us
what happened at the hospital.
What you did,
the things that you said.
Oh, my gosh, she heard what I...
All right, look, look,
let's get something straight.
When I said to Chris
that I loved her...
see, what was I...
What?
You said you loved me?
Well... they said
that you said that...
You said it first.
You said you loved him?
Were you high?
0h, hey. Thanks a lot.
As a matter of fact,
she was whacked
-out of her head on Demerol.
-CHRIS: Oh, oh.
-That's... Yeah, I imagine...
-MARGARET: Oh, okay.
Wow, that's big.
Although, all I meant
was that Chris told us
how you helped her
at the hospital.
0h.
Which, uh, does bring up
an interesting point.
Chris was all drugged up
when she said it to you,
but why did you
say you loved her?
(stammering)
The woman was going
into major surgery, you know.
She-she could've died.
I could've died?!
You said it was routine.
I lied to make you
feel better, all right?
Which is exactly
what I was doing
when I said that I loved you.
I mean,
she's lying in bed,
writhing in pain.
She looks up at me,
and she says, "I love you."
What was I supposed to do?
I said it back.
You know, that way, in case
you didn't pull through,
you know, you'd at least die
thinking that someone loved you,
which, while not being
the truth, you know,
would have at least given you
comfort in-in the last moments.
So you can see
that it was purely an act
of compassion.
There wasn't any, you know, love
or actual feelings
behind it whatsoever.
So, are we good?
Good. Good.
I'll... I'll take that coffee.
To go. Now?! Plea...
You know...
You do one nice thing,
and it bites you in the ass.
Okay, Mr. Lewis, this antibiotic
ought to clear up
that infection.
Just make sure you don't take it
on an empty stomach.
Like that guy's ever had
an empty stomach.
Okay, let's see
what we got here.
Do you know
how stupid that looks?
How many of those
do you have in a day?
I don't know. 50 or 60.
Do you really think
that much sugar is good for you?
Margaret, it's all just
a horse race toward death.
Emphysema was in the lead.
I'm just giving diabetes
a chance to catch up.
Do me a favor,
I want you to call the lab
and get Mr. Newman's
test results back.
0h, I'd be happy to, John,
because "I love you."
Look, look, if this
is about Chris, again,
I think I've explained that.
She knows that I did not mean
what I said.
It doesn't matter, John.
The words "I love you"
are very powerful to a woman.
Yeah, but not to a man.
To a guy, "I love you"
means nothing.
It's just a way
to get out of trouble,
it's cheaper than flowers,
and it gets women
into bed, that's all.
I hate it when he's right.
Those charts
aren't gonna file themselves.
What difference does it make?
Eventually the patients
will die,
then you'll die, then I'll die.
Don't be so sure it's gonna
happen in that order.
I'm sorry, Margaret,
but ever since I heard
that Chris could've died,
all I can think of
is that it could have been me.
I mean, what's my life about?
The endless parties, the clubs,
the one-night stands.
Oh, it's all pretty empty,
isn't it?
No, it's amazing.
But one day it's gonna get old,
so I have to find
some deeper meaning in my life.
Like you.
You seem to have
this inner calm about you.
Well, thank you, Linda.
I just can't figure out
where you get it.
I mean, you got a crummy job,
your marriage stinks,
you're certainly
not getting any younger.
-You got horrible...
-My life is just fine,
and no matter what happens,
whatever inner peace I have,
it comes from my faith in God
and knowing that he has
a plan for my life.
This was God's plan
for your life?
No disrespect, Margaret,
but you got hosed.
Excuse me,
do you have any jobs available?
Sorry.
Okay! Now I can
tell Unemployment
I have officially
looked for work.
-Coffee to go, please.
-0kay.
Hey, man, you look familiar.
What's your name?
-Who, me?
-Yeah.
Jake Malinak.
I knew it! From Bayside, right?
I'm Hector Lopez. You used to
hang with my brother Jimmy.
0h, right. Little Hector!
Man, I haven't heard that
in a long time.
Come on, sit down.
How you been?
Good. Hey, I heard
you went blind. 0h...
Sorry.
I mean, you are blind, right?
You could be
wearing shades inside
to look hip, but...
but with that haircut,
I just assumed...
Okay, yeah, you heard right,
you heard right.
Yeah, I'm blind.
How about you?
Me? I can see great.
No, no, Hector, I meant
what-what do you do?
0h.
I got a lot
of irons in the fire.
Unemployed?
Yeah.
But that's just temporary.
Got a lot of big ideas.
Oh, that's right, I remember...
I remember, you always had
a million scams as a kid.
Yeah, you'd steal
all your parents' stuff,
and then sell it to all the kids
in the neighborhood. (laughs)
Yeah, cigarettes,
liquor, condoms.
Hey.
Those weren't scams.
Those were business ventures.
Oh---...
Besides, got a baby sister
out of it.
Uh, here's your coffee.
That'll be a buck.
You know, I'm a little
short this week.
-Jake, you get this one.
-What the...?
No, no. I insist.
I'll get you back
next time you see me.
Sorry.
JAKE:
You know what, Chris?
Can you pour me some coffee?
You've got to be kidding me!
Fine, just tell me where it is,
I'll get it myself.
No, no, no, I, uh...
I got a bill from the hospital.
It's almost $3,000,
and that's after insurance.
Where-where am I gonna
get that kind of money?
Well, you could always
sell your hair.
And wind up
looking like an idiot?
Oh, man.
Oh, good, you're here.
Look, John, I really need
to talk to you
about the hospital.
Hey, hey, will you...
would you let it go?
Look, Curly, I didn't mean
what I said to you, all right?
So just quit harping on it,
and go indulge
your little schoolgirl
fantasies some place else.
Um, uh, John, I think she was
talking about her hospital bill,
not the fact that you love her.
-0h.
-Mm-hmm. Smooth.
John, look at this bill.
It's almost $3,000,
and I don't even understand
half of these charges.
I mean, what is... what is
"thermometric evaluation"?
That's hospital-speak.
It means they took
your temperature.
You're kidding!
And what-what about this?
$150 for "environmental
assessment and intervention."
Means they cleaned your room.
Oh, my God.
I mean, this is robbery.
Of course it is.
That's why they drug you
and stick you
in a paper dress
with your ass hanging out.
So you...
so you don't march down
to the billing office
and question them.
I could have died
and my ass was hanging out?
You know, I'm gonna do
something about this.
It just, it makes me so mad.
(laughs)
-That's so cute.
-What?
The way you ball up
your little fists like that.
It's like you're actually
gonna do something.
Yeah, I am going to do
something.
No, you're not. You don't have
the kind of anger it takes
to fight
a bureaucracy like that.
Oh, you'“ make a few mus.
You might even think about
writing an angry letter,
which you won't, and then you'll
end up sending them
one of those cute
little checks of yours
with the kittens on 'em.
Well, that's where you're wrong.
I got new checks.
Puppies?
No. Ducks.
Very angry ducks.
What are you doing?
You're in early
and you're reading?
I don't know which
makes less sense.
Shh. I'm studying.
The Complete Idiot's
Guide to Religion?
There's a spiritual void
in my life, Margaret.
I thought that's why
you go shopping.
My closet's full,
but my soul is empty.
Where'd you get that?
My Closet's Full,
But My Soul is Empty.
That's why I'm checking out
different religions.
You're a Baptist, right?
What do you guys do?
Well, we do charity work.
And on Sunday we go
to church, we pray...
Pray for what?
0h, help, guidance,
-answers...
-To what questions?
-Like, uh, "What's my purpose?"
-Do you get answers?
-Not exactly, but...
-Well, then why do you pray?
Because it makes me feel good,
and...
Yeah, but it could be pointless.
For all you know,
God's up there going,
"I wish these people would just
shut up and leave me alone."
-God wouldn't do that.
-Yeah, but how do you know?
Because I have faith.
But you don't really know.
What if there is no God
and we're all living
in this big, empty universe?
-That is not what I believe.
-Yeah, but you don't know.
Yeah, but I feel that...
It doesn't matter what you feel.
You have no proof, right?
Right?!
That's right! I have no proof.
That's why it's called faith.
It goes beyond
rational understanding.
I believe what I believe
because it gives me inner peace!
Wow.
So you believe
whatever nonsense
they tell you,
and that makes you happy.
That's deep.
Thanks, Margaret.
Ew, it stinks in here.
What are you doing?
I forgot it was candy,
and I lit it.
Well, what does it matter
if it's candy or not?
I thought you quit.
I did. It's just I forgot,
and I was thinking
about something.
Something you want
to talk about?
No.
Mm-hmm.
It's about that thing
I said to Chris.
What exactly did you say?
I don't know. Something like,
"I love you.
My God, I love you."
-You said that out loud?
-We||...
I didn't mean it.
The thing is, I didn't
exactly not mean it.
I mean, I do sort of like her.
I just don't know
what to do about it.
Well, why don't you just
put on your big boy pants
and ask her out already?
You know, after two divorces,
I don't know if I have
another relationship in me.
You know, the daily crap,
the compliments, the...
all the garbage
you have to remember.
Birthdays, the color
of her eyes, what...
what she does for a living.
You know what? I give up.
You know what?
Just do what you want to do.
Ask her out,
don't ask her out. I...
But if I don't,
then I could end up
stuck with me
the rest of my life.
Well, then talk to her.
What am I supposed to say?
Well, tell her how you feel,
and then hope that she is
sad, lonely and desperate enough
to feel the same way about you!
It's so frustrating.
I got a million great ideas.
I just don't have
the start-up money.
All I need is 5,000 bucks.
Maybe six.
Ten tops.
No more than 15.
Hector, look-look at me.
All right?
Are you looking at me?
I can't. It creeps me out.
All right,
then j-just listen, okay?
I have no money,
and if I did have money,
I wouldn't give it to you.
Damn, man, just get a job.
Work? Not my style.
Jake, I'm going down
to the hospital
to complain about my bill.
Do me a favor: Lock up and drop
this deposit off at the bank.
-0kay.
-You know...
before you put that money
into something silly,
like a bank,
why don't we take this
down to Atlantic City,
put it all on black
and double our money.
And just when did this become
"our" money?
You're right.
Your money, my idea.
Sorry, Jake, you're out.
Who are you?
Do we have an appointment?
Actually, no, but I...
How did you get past
my secretary?
She said you were unavailable,
so I snuck past her
when she took a pee break.
Damn!
Note to self:
no more staff pee breaks.
Look, look, I-I won't take
much of your time.
H was a patient here,
and, uh...
0h, a patient. Get out.
No, no. Last week,
I had my appendix out, and...
Oh, my God, we didn't leave
anything in you, did we?
Scalpel, sponge?
'Cause even if we did,
you're still going to have
to prove it's ours.
The operation went fine,
something apparently
you don't hear that often.
This is about my bill.
0h, your bill. Get out.
No, no. I will not.
Now, look, there are
some charges on this bill
that are totally ridiculous.
I mean, $75 for a "low-calorie
electrolyte supplement"?
It's Jell-O.
Oh, you figured
that one out, huh?
That was mine.
And you're bragging about it?
You're cheating people.
Of course I am.
Who in his right mind
would pay 75 bucks for Jell-O?
Yeah, but it's immoral.
And it's just plain Jell-O.
At least my mother
cut bananas into it.
Great. Next time, have your
mother take out your appendix.
Now, get out.
No, no, no, I will not.
Now, look, I-I made a list
of the over-inflated charges,
and I demand that you
take them off my bill.
No way. Get out.
I will not.
But, you know,
I may just get a lawyer.
0h, fine.
Take us to court.
We'll sue your ass off and then
charge you to sew it back on.
Okay, now-now you have
made me mad.
Oh, you're mad.
Well, in that case... get out.
Look, will you please
stop saying that.
Now, now, Mister... Lerner,
you want to play hardball,
I can play hardball, okay?
How about this? How about,
what-what if I just don't pay?
-Wow!
-Hmm?
You really got me on the run
with that one.
Well, if you didn't pay,
uh, we could put a lien
on your house, your car,
your savings, your business
and all your future earnings.
You'll end up broke,
homeless,
rooting through our Dumpster,
praying that someone
didn't eat their Jell-O.
You can't do that to...
You know, people have
certain rights.
I-I could get a lawyer,
and-and... and-and...
and-and I have a friend
who's a doctor, and-and they
could come in here together,
and-and they...
Who do I make the check out to?
Bronx Metropolitan Hospital.
Nice puppies.
They're ducks.
I wasn't talking
about the checks.
(distant siren wailing)
(sighs)
0h, hey.
Hey. Hi.
I didn't see you down there.
What's going on?
Well, I know how much
you love hearing this,
so I might as well just
get it over with:
You were right.
Of course I was.
What are we talking about?
I went down to the hospital.
You got nothing, right?
Oh, no, I wouldn't say that.
I got humiliated.
It was awful.
I mean, I-I tried...
I-I tried being nice,
I-I tried getting angry, I...
Did you make the fists?
Yes, I made the fists.
I threatened him.
I said I'd get a lawyer.
In fact, about the only thing
I didn't do was come on to him.
-(chuckles)
-Maybe I should have done that.
Maybe I should have just
sprawled across the desk
and looked in his eyes and said,
"I love you.
My God, I love you."
Maybe that would've worked.
Wait a minute.
That's exactly what I said
to you in the hospital,
word for word.
Really?
0h, crazy coincidence.
Night-night.
Hold it!
Hold on, hold... hold on.
You heard exactly what I said.
Which means the Demerol
hadn't kicked in,
which means you meant it
when you said you love me.
Okay, I said it.
But-but I didn't
"mean it" mean it.
H was... I was in pain,
I was scared,
and-and maybe for a second
I went all girly
'cause you were
taking care of me,
and-and in a weak moment
I said...
the-the thing that-that I said.
Well, that-that's horrible.
You can't just say "I love you"
to a guy.
Tho-Those
are very powerful words.
They mean something.
-And then to lie about it.
Oh, Chris. -Yeah...
Of course I lied!
I mean, you freaked me out
with your "I love you.
My God, I love you."
I mean, on a scale
of I-love-yous,
mine was like a two,
and yours was a 50!
It was not, and I explained,
I was just being a good doctor.
Oh, oh, it was a medical
"I love you."
-Yeah, that's right.
-0h, well, fine, fine.
Just to set the record straight,
I don't love you.
Well, I don't love you.
I don't even know
what made me think
I could like you!
You're so cute and sweet
and nice and perky.
Oh, well, it's better
than being a cranky old fart.
I'm not cranky.
There are just certain things
that irritate me.
Yeah, everything irritates you.
You wouldn't know happiness
if it bit you in the ass!
Oh, yeah, why don't you
bite me in the ass?
0h, why don't you
bite yourself in the ass?
Your head's right there anyway.
Well, just go away, will you?
I'm going! Good night!
-Good night!
-No... good night!
You want to have dinner
with me sometime?
I'd love to!
-John?
-Yeah?
I love you.
What'd you just say?
I love you.
You know, I've been thinking
about you all...
I can't get you out of my mind.
I've been dreaming about you.
Well...
I guess this means
I-I-I think I love you, too.
No. I-I do.
My God, I love you.
And how are we feeling?
I love you.
Ready to go?
I love you.
I love you, too.
I love you.
One shot of Demerol,
they love everything.
II
That's weird.
The lights are out.
(cash registers dings)
MARGARET:
Who's that?
Someone's robbing
the diner. Hey!
(screams)
Please, just take all the money.
Just don't hurt me.
I have a wife and five kids.
Jake?
-Is that you?
Margaret? Linda?
What are you doing back there?
I'm setting up the register
for Chris.
And, might I say, putting on
a remarkable show of bravery.
Your wife and five kids
-would be very proud of you.
-0kay, okay.
All right, just-just
leave me alone, all right?
And wh-why would you sneak up
on a guy like that?
Well, we didn't know it was you.
What happened to your hair?
Where are your dreadlocks?
I sold them.
You sold your hair?
Listen, I was behind on my rent.
This wig place offered me
500 bucks for them.
Is it hideous?
-Uh-uh. No. Mm-mm.
-No. Not at all.
-Morning, everyone.
-JAKE: Hey.
-Welcome back, Chris.
-MARGARET: Chris, Chris!
MARGARET:
Chris, how are you feeling?
-0h...
-Yeah, we heard what happened.
I'm okay, I'm okay. Hey.
I just had an appendectomy.
I've been recuperating
a few days. I felt fine.
-0h, too tight, too tight.
-0h!
Anyway, John said I
could come back to work.
Hey, Jake.
0h, nice, uh... nice haircut.
Oh, you really like it?
Yeah, yeah, it looks nice!
So, what happened?
-Did you know you were
that sick? -No, no, no.
I was feeling queasy all day,
but when I got home,
it just got worse,
so I went downstairs
to John for help
and puked on his shoes.
Too bad you didn't puke
on the rest of his wardrobe.
Hey.
His clothes may suck,
but let me tell you,
John was amazing.
He practically carried me
to the hospital,
got me the best surgeon,
held my hand,
told me I'd be okay.
You would be impressed
at how compassionate he was.
Yeah?!
Up yours, Bojangles!
I was not giving you a buck!
I was just reaching into your
hat to get change for the meter!
Well, you kind of had
to be there.
Where's that lazy bastard, Bob?
He was supposed to fix my sink.
-He's on vacation.
-Since when?
I'm guessing since right after
you asked him to fix your sink.
Ah... weasel.
-Nice haircut there, pal.
-Really?
Yeah. A lot better
than that Medusa thing
you had going on.
0h, John, don't tell me
you started smoking again.
-I swear, you...
-Yeah, relax, will you?
It's candy. See? Mmm. Ha!
I got all the perks of smoking
without the smoke,
and it's peppermint,
so it makes my breath all minty.
(blows)
Huh? Ha-ha! Yeah.
Hell of a stress reliever, too.
Chris! Coffee!
So, Dr. Becker, Chris told us
what happened at the hospital.
What you did,
the things that you said.
Oh, my gosh, she heard what I...
All right, look, look,
let's get something straight.
When I said to Chris
that I loved her...
see, what was I...
What?
You said you loved me?
Well... they said
that you said that...
You said it first.
You said you loved him?
Were you high?
0h, hey. Thanks a lot.
As a matter of fact,
she was whacked
-out of her head on Demerol.
-CHRIS: Oh, oh.
-That's... Yeah, I imagine...
-MARGARET: Oh, okay.
Wow, that's big.
Although, all I meant
was that Chris told us
how you helped her
at the hospital.
0h.
Which, uh, does bring up
an interesting point.
Chris was all drugged up
when she said it to you,
but why did you
say you loved her?
(stammering)
The woman was going
into major surgery, you know.
She-she could've died.
I could've died?!
You said it was routine.
I lied to make you
feel better, all right?
Which is exactly
what I was doing
when I said that I loved you.
I mean,
she's lying in bed,
writhing in pain.
She looks up at me,
and she says, "I love you."
What was I supposed to do?
I said it back.
You know, that way, in case
you didn't pull through,
you know, you'd at least die
thinking that someone loved you,
which, while not being
the truth, you know,
would have at least given you
comfort in-in the last moments.
So you can see
that it was purely an act
of compassion.
There wasn't any, you know, love
or actual feelings
behind it whatsoever.
So, are we good?
Good. Good.
I'll... I'll take that coffee.
To go. Now?! Plea...
You know...
You do one nice thing,
and it bites you in the ass.
Okay, Mr. Lewis, this antibiotic
ought to clear up
that infection.
Just make sure you don't take it
on an empty stomach.
Like that guy's ever had
an empty stomach.
Okay, let's see
what we got here.
Do you know
how stupid that looks?
How many of those
do you have in a day?
I don't know. 50 or 60.
Do you really think
that much sugar is good for you?
Margaret, it's all just
a horse race toward death.
Emphysema was in the lead.
I'm just giving diabetes
a chance to catch up.
Do me a favor,
I want you to call the lab
and get Mr. Newman's
test results back.
0h, I'd be happy to, John,
because "I love you."
Look, look, if this
is about Chris, again,
I think I've explained that.
She knows that I did not mean
what I said.
It doesn't matter, John.
The words "I love you"
are very powerful to a woman.
Yeah, but not to a man.
To a guy, "I love you"
means nothing.
It's just a way
to get out of trouble,
it's cheaper than flowers,
and it gets women
into bed, that's all.
I hate it when he's right.
Those charts
aren't gonna file themselves.
What difference does it make?
Eventually the patients
will die,
then you'll die, then I'll die.
Don't be so sure it's gonna
happen in that order.
I'm sorry, Margaret,
but ever since I heard
that Chris could've died,
all I can think of
is that it could have been me.
I mean, what's my life about?
The endless parties, the clubs,
the one-night stands.
Oh, it's all pretty empty,
isn't it?
No, it's amazing.
But one day it's gonna get old,
so I have to find
some deeper meaning in my life.
Like you.
You seem to have
this inner calm about you.
Well, thank you, Linda.
I just can't figure out
where you get it.
I mean, you got a crummy job,
your marriage stinks,
you're certainly
not getting any younger.
-You got horrible...
-My life is just fine,
and no matter what happens,
whatever inner peace I have,
it comes from my faith in God
and knowing that he has
a plan for my life.
This was God's plan
for your life?
No disrespect, Margaret,
but you got hosed.
Excuse me,
do you have any jobs available?
Sorry.
Okay! Now I can
tell Unemployment
I have officially
looked for work.
-Coffee to go, please.
-0kay.
Hey, man, you look familiar.
What's your name?
-Who, me?
-Yeah.
Jake Malinak.
I knew it! From Bayside, right?
I'm Hector Lopez. You used to
hang with my brother Jimmy.
0h, right. Little Hector!
Man, I haven't heard that
in a long time.
Come on, sit down.
How you been?
Good. Hey, I heard
you went blind. 0h...
Sorry.
I mean, you are blind, right?
You could be
wearing shades inside
to look hip, but...
but with that haircut,
I just assumed...
Okay, yeah, you heard right,
you heard right.
Yeah, I'm blind.
How about you?
Me? I can see great.
No, no, Hector, I meant
what-what do you do?
0h.
I got a lot
of irons in the fire.
Unemployed?
Yeah.
But that's just temporary.
Got a lot of big ideas.
Oh, that's right, I remember...
I remember, you always had
a million scams as a kid.
Yeah, you'd steal
all your parents' stuff,
and then sell it to all the kids
in the neighborhood. (laughs)
Yeah, cigarettes,
liquor, condoms.
Hey.
Those weren't scams.
Those were business ventures.
Oh---...
Besides, got a baby sister
out of it.
Uh, here's your coffee.
That'll be a buck.
You know, I'm a little
short this week.
-Jake, you get this one.
-What the...?
No, no. I insist.
I'll get you back
next time you see me.
Sorry.
JAKE:
You know what, Chris?
Can you pour me some coffee?
You've got to be kidding me!
Fine, just tell me where it is,
I'll get it myself.
No, no, no, I, uh...
I got a bill from the hospital.
It's almost $3,000,
and that's after insurance.
Where-where am I gonna
get that kind of money?
Well, you could always
sell your hair.
And wind up
looking like an idiot?
Oh, man.
Oh, good, you're here.
Look, John, I really need
to talk to you
about the hospital.
Hey, hey, will you...
would you let it go?
Look, Curly, I didn't mean
what I said to you, all right?
So just quit harping on it,
and go indulge
your little schoolgirl
fantasies some place else.
Um, uh, John, I think she was
talking about her hospital bill,
not the fact that you love her.
-0h.
-Mm-hmm. Smooth.
John, look at this bill.
It's almost $3,000,
and I don't even understand
half of these charges.
I mean, what is... what is
"thermometric evaluation"?
That's hospital-speak.
It means they took
your temperature.
You're kidding!
And what-what about this?
$150 for "environmental
assessment and intervention."
Means they cleaned your room.
Oh, my God.
I mean, this is robbery.
Of course it is.
That's why they drug you
and stick you
in a paper dress
with your ass hanging out.
So you...
so you don't march down
to the billing office
and question them.
I could have died
and my ass was hanging out?
You know, I'm gonna do
something about this.
It just, it makes me so mad.
(laughs)
-That's so cute.
-What?
The way you ball up
your little fists like that.
It's like you're actually
gonna do something.
Yeah, I am going to do
something.
No, you're not. You don't have
the kind of anger it takes
to fight
a bureaucracy like that.
Oh, you'“ make a few mus.
You might even think about
writing an angry letter,
which you won't, and then you'll
end up sending them
one of those cute
little checks of yours
with the kittens on 'em.
Well, that's where you're wrong.
I got new checks.
Puppies?
No. Ducks.
Very angry ducks.
What are you doing?
You're in early
and you're reading?
I don't know which
makes less sense.
Shh. I'm studying.
The Complete Idiot's
Guide to Religion?
There's a spiritual void
in my life, Margaret.
I thought that's why
you go shopping.
My closet's full,
but my soul is empty.
Where'd you get that?
My Closet's Full,
But My Soul is Empty.
That's why I'm checking out
different religions.
You're a Baptist, right?
What do you guys do?
Well, we do charity work.
And on Sunday we go
to church, we pray...
Pray for what?
0h, help, guidance,
-answers...
-To what questions?
-Like, uh, "What's my purpose?"
-Do you get answers?
-Not exactly, but...
-Well, then why do you pray?
Because it makes me feel good,
and...
Yeah, but it could be pointless.
For all you know,
God's up there going,
"I wish these people would just
shut up and leave me alone."
-God wouldn't do that.
-Yeah, but how do you know?
Because I have faith.
But you don't really know.
What if there is no God
and we're all living
in this big, empty universe?
-That is not what I believe.
-Yeah, but you don't know.
Yeah, but I feel that...
It doesn't matter what you feel.
You have no proof, right?
Right?!
That's right! I have no proof.
That's why it's called faith.
It goes beyond
rational understanding.
I believe what I believe
because it gives me inner peace!
Wow.
So you believe
whatever nonsense
they tell you,
and that makes you happy.
That's deep.
Thanks, Margaret.
Ew, it stinks in here.
What are you doing?
I forgot it was candy,
and I lit it.
Well, what does it matter
if it's candy or not?
I thought you quit.
I did. It's just I forgot,
and I was thinking
about something.
Something you want
to talk about?
No.
Mm-hmm.
It's about that thing
I said to Chris.
What exactly did you say?
I don't know. Something like,
"I love you.
My God, I love you."
-You said that out loud?
-We||...
I didn't mean it.
The thing is, I didn't
exactly not mean it.
I mean, I do sort of like her.
I just don't know
what to do about it.
Well, why don't you just
put on your big boy pants
and ask her out already?
You know, after two divorces,
I don't know if I have
another relationship in me.
You know, the daily crap,
the compliments, the...
all the garbage
you have to remember.
Birthdays, the color
of her eyes, what...
what she does for a living.
You know what? I give up.
You know what?
Just do what you want to do.
Ask her out,
don't ask her out. I...
But if I don't,
then I could end up
stuck with me
the rest of my life.
Well, then talk to her.
What am I supposed to say?
Well, tell her how you feel,
and then hope that she is
sad, lonely and desperate enough
to feel the same way about you!
It's so frustrating.
I got a million great ideas.
I just don't have
the start-up money.
All I need is 5,000 bucks.
Maybe six.
Ten tops.
No more than 15.
Hector, look-look at me.
All right?
Are you looking at me?
I can't. It creeps me out.
All right,
then j-just listen, okay?
I have no money,
and if I did have money,
I wouldn't give it to you.
Damn, man, just get a job.
Work? Not my style.
Jake, I'm going down
to the hospital
to complain about my bill.
Do me a favor: Lock up and drop
this deposit off at the bank.
-0kay.
-You know...
before you put that money
into something silly,
like a bank,
why don't we take this
down to Atlantic City,
put it all on black
and double our money.
And just when did this become
"our" money?
You're right.
Your money, my idea.
Sorry, Jake, you're out.
Who are you?
Do we have an appointment?
Actually, no, but I...
How did you get past
my secretary?
She said you were unavailable,
so I snuck past her
when she took a pee break.
Damn!
Note to self:
no more staff pee breaks.
Look, look, I-I won't take
much of your time.
H was a patient here,
and, uh...
0h, a patient. Get out.
No, no. Last week,
I had my appendix out, and...
Oh, my God, we didn't leave
anything in you, did we?
Scalpel, sponge?
'Cause even if we did,
you're still going to have
to prove it's ours.
The operation went fine,
something apparently
you don't hear that often.
This is about my bill.
0h, your bill. Get out.
No, no. I will not.
Now, look, there are
some charges on this bill
that are totally ridiculous.
I mean, $75 for a "low-calorie
electrolyte supplement"?
It's Jell-O.
Oh, you figured
that one out, huh?
That was mine.
And you're bragging about it?
You're cheating people.
Of course I am.
Who in his right mind
would pay 75 bucks for Jell-O?
Yeah, but it's immoral.
And it's just plain Jell-O.
At least my mother
cut bananas into it.
Great. Next time, have your
mother take out your appendix.
Now, get out.
No, no, no, I will not.
Now, look, I-I made a list
of the over-inflated charges,
and I demand that you
take them off my bill.
No way. Get out.
I will not.
But, you know,
I may just get a lawyer.
0h, fine.
Take us to court.
We'll sue your ass off and then
charge you to sew it back on.
Okay, now-now you have
made me mad.
Oh, you're mad.
Well, in that case... get out.
Look, will you please
stop saying that.
Now, now, Mister... Lerner,
you want to play hardball,
I can play hardball, okay?
How about this? How about,
what-what if I just don't pay?
-Wow!
-Hmm?
You really got me on the run
with that one.
Well, if you didn't pay,
uh, we could put a lien
on your house, your car,
your savings, your business
and all your future earnings.
You'll end up broke,
homeless,
rooting through our Dumpster,
praying that someone
didn't eat their Jell-O.
You can't do that to...
You know, people have
certain rights.
I-I could get a lawyer,
and-and... and-and...
and-and I have a friend
who's a doctor, and-and they
could come in here together,
and-and they...
Who do I make the check out to?
Bronx Metropolitan Hospital.
Nice puppies.
They're ducks.
I wasn't talking
about the checks.
(distant siren wailing)
(sighs)
0h, hey.
Hey. Hi.
I didn't see you down there.
What's going on?
Well, I know how much
you love hearing this,
so I might as well just
get it over with:
You were right.
Of course I was.
What are we talking about?
I went down to the hospital.
You got nothing, right?
Oh, no, I wouldn't say that.
I got humiliated.
It was awful.
I mean, I-I tried...
I-I tried being nice,
I-I tried getting angry, I...
Did you make the fists?
Yes, I made the fists.
I threatened him.
I said I'd get a lawyer.
In fact, about the only thing
I didn't do was come on to him.
-(chuckles)
-Maybe I should have done that.
Maybe I should have just
sprawled across the desk
and looked in his eyes and said,
"I love you.
My God, I love you."
Maybe that would've worked.
Wait a minute.
That's exactly what I said
to you in the hospital,
word for word.
Really?
0h, crazy coincidence.
Night-night.
Hold it!
Hold on, hold... hold on.
You heard exactly what I said.
Which means the Demerol
hadn't kicked in,
which means you meant it
when you said you love me.
Okay, I said it.
But-but I didn't
"mean it" mean it.
H was... I was in pain,
I was scared,
and-and maybe for a second
I went all girly
'cause you were
taking care of me,
and-and in a weak moment
I said...
the-the thing that-that I said.
Well, that-that's horrible.
You can't just say "I love you"
to a guy.
Tho-Those
are very powerful words.
They mean something.
-And then to lie about it.
Oh, Chris. -Yeah...
Of course I lied!
I mean, you freaked me out
with your "I love you.
My God, I love you."
I mean, on a scale
of I-love-yous,
mine was like a two,
and yours was a 50!
It was not, and I explained,
I was just being a good doctor.
Oh, oh, it was a medical
"I love you."
-Yeah, that's right.
-0h, well, fine, fine.
Just to set the record straight,
I don't love you.
Well, I don't love you.
I don't even know
what made me think
I could like you!
You're so cute and sweet
and nice and perky.
Oh, well, it's better
than being a cranky old fart.
I'm not cranky.
There are just certain things
that irritate me.
Yeah, everything irritates you.
You wouldn't know happiness
if it bit you in the ass!
Oh, yeah, why don't you
bite me in the ass?
0h, why don't you
bite yourself in the ass?
Your head's right there anyway.
Well, just go away, will you?
I'm going! Good night!
-Good night!
-No... good night!
You want to have dinner
with me sometime?
I'd love to!