Becker (1998–2004): Season 4, Episode 5 - Really Good Advice - full transcript

Jake, I'm taking
a new york times

And a snickers.

Leave the money
on the counter.

Yeah.

You know, jake,

I don't know if I've ever
told you this before,

But you have
a really great job.

I mean, I really admire
what you're doing.

I don't know what you want, bob,

But the answer's no.

I don't want anything.



I've just been watching
what you do here,

And you're so lucky.

I mean, you give
people pleasure.

They come to you for the things
that make them feel good:

Newspapers, candy, cigarettes.

Skin magazines.

Exactly! The necessities!

Wish my job were
more like that.

Hey, bob,
y-your job's important.

You're the superintendent
of a building.

Think about it.

People call you "the super."

It's mostly just a title.

Listen, bob,
you solve people's problems.



Me, well, I sell
candy, cigarettes and porn.

I am their problem.

But at least you get respect.

You know, I'm sure the people

In your building
respect you, too.

Bob, you lazy
little hair ball.

When are you going to
get off your ass

And fix my damn stove?

All right,
he doesn't respect you.

At least he needs you.

I'm taking a pack
of cigarettes here, jake.

He needs you more.

Leave the money on the counter.

Hey, reg, get out here,
will ya?

I need coffee.

Don't you ever
get tired

Of barking at me
for coffee?

Don't you ever
get tired of talking

Before you give it to me?

Before and after.

Oh, hey, I wasn't
kidding, bob.

When are you going
to fix my stove?

Hey, look, I came
to your apartment
to fix it last night,

But it sounded like there
was a party going on, so I left.

I wasn't even home last night.

I was out on a date.

Okay, so we're both lying.

Look, I forgot about your stove.

You're on the list.

Yeah, I got a list, too, bob,

And you're on it.

So, becker, I didn't
know you had a date.

Oh, dear, did I forget
to clear that

With the entertainment
committee?

So how'd it go?

It took me forever
to get there.

I got stuck in traffic.

You know, would someone
please tell me

Why they do construction
in the middle of rush hour?

Becker, for once,
can we skip traffic

And get right
to the news?

Oh...

It was a good time, you know.

Beth's, uh, beth's terrific.
As a matter of fact,

It was the best date I've had
in quite a long time.

Well, good.
I'm happy for you.

Yeah, I'm just sorry
that she got a headache

And had to leave early.

( laughing )

What?

Okay, normal people
know this,

And now I'll tell you.

There are no headaches
on great dates.

That was an excuse
to leave

Because she was
having a terrible time.

Nah, you don't know what
you're talking about, reg.

You were late.

Did you at least
say you were sorry?

Sorry for what?

It wasn't my fault.

You say "I'm sorry"
to be polite.

You're sorry
you made her wait.

You're sorry you
inconvenienced her.

I was there, you weren't.

You know, trust me,
we had a great time.

You had a great time.

She had a headache.

I swear, becker,

If you knew anything
at all about women,

You'd call her up
and you'd tell her
you're sorry.

Yeah, you know, and if you knew
anything about men,

You'd be home ruining
your husband's life

Instead of here ruining mine.

I'm taking a paper

Here, jake.

Ooh, jake,
may I?

Go for it.

Leave the money on the counter.

God, what a rush!

Morning, margaret.

Just give me a minute,

And then you can send
the first one back.

Well?

Well, what?

Don't you "well, what?" me.

You know very well what.

What?

The medicare forms.

You promised you would
have your diagnostic notes

Completed three days ago.

Yeah, look, margaret,
they're done.

I just left them
back in my apartment.

Liar.

They're not done,

And they're still
in your office.

Oh, thank god.

I'd thought
I'd lost them.

John, if we don't
submit the forms,

We don't get
reimbursed, which means

Not only is there no money
coming in,

There's no margaret coming in.

Hey, you know something,
I'm tired of you coming in here

And busting my...
Oh, forget it!

I don't even know why
I bother talking to you.

Yeah, no, margaret,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Uh, come back here.

Let me try this.

Hey, uh... Margaret, I'm sorry.

What the hell kind
of answer is that?!

Well, it was...
You know, I was trying...

Reggie said to me...

You repeatedly break your
promise, cover it up with lies,

Then you waste my time

By forcing me to remind you
to do your job,

And you think that you can
wipe the slate clean

By saying "I'm sorry"?

You know, it didn't sound
right to me, either.

Well, now, don't get all...

( sighs )

Damn reggie.

Linda, I-I'm busy.
Get out.

My parents are fighting again,
and it's my dad's birthday.

Well, so get him a tie.

Now get out.

His girlfriend's
throwing him this party.

My mom's still furious

At both of them for,

You know,
the whole "adultery" thing.

So, I'm caught
in the middle.

I don't want my mom
to be mad at me,

But on the other hand,
it's dad's birthday

And I don't want to offend
his girlfriend.

I mean, the woman
practically raised me.

Wow. Tough break.

That's all you can say--
"tough break"?

All right, wait.

Uh, yeah, I'm-I'm sorry.

You don't mean that!

You don't even care
what I'm going through!

I bet you didn't even listen
to one word I said!

I was, too, listening.

It was something about a tie!

Okay, so let me
get this straight.

If a tenant
has a problem,

They just call you up
on that cell phone?

Yep. That way, wherever I am,
I can always be reached.

Oh, look at that-- 23 messages.

Wow, y-you really are needed.

So what do
you say, jake?

You want to trade jobs?

I have to admit,
the idea does intrigue me,

But I got to tell you, bob,
I'm not exactly mr. Fix-it.

I mean, hell,
I'm barely mr. Find-it.

Look, nothing to it.

When a tenant calls, you tell
them they're on the list,

And then you hook them up
with a trained professional.

I can do that.

Congratulations, my friend.

You're officially the new super.

That's it?
Not quite.

( chuckles )

You really need all these keys?

Nah. This one's the master.

I just keep the rest here
'cause I like to jingle 'em.

I got something
for you, too.

Here's my cash box.

Oh, yeah.

I got to be honest.

My heart's racing.

Hey, thanks a lot.

You know, thanks
a whole hell of a lot.

You know
what you did to me?

Think about it, becker.

Where am I going
to get fresh seafood?

What?

Oh. Well, then, never mind.

What were you talking about?

All that crap about "I'm sorry."

I tried it.

Completely worthless.

Margaret-- she had a problem
with it, right?

So, I'd say, "I'm sorry."

Didn't work at all.

Then linda had something,
you know, and I said, "sorry,"

And it didn't work
with her, either.

You want to know why?

Oh, yeah, please.
Enlighten me.

'cause you're an idiot.

"I'm sorry" isn't like...

Like ketchup.

You can't just dump it
all over everything

And expect it to hide
all your mistakes.

So?

Then what the hell good is
"I'm sorry"?

Well, if you're sincere, it
can mean all kinds of things.

It can mean,
"I'm listening."

It can mean, "I care."

What if I don't care?

Then don't say it.

Then I won't.

Then you'll be
sitting alone

In that stupid
apartment,

Watching tv, eating
chinese takeout

For the rest
of your life.

Hey, you know, what makes you
such an expert

On successful relationships?

I'm an expert on
failed relationships.

Yeah, well, your sorry life
aside, you know,

I did not screw up with beth,
and I'll prove it to you.

Becker, I didn't know
you had a cell phone.

I only use it
for emergencies.

Like proving you wrong.

Hey, beth, hi.

John becker.
How you doing?

Uh, well, good.

Listen, I was wondering,
are-are you free Saturday?

Really?
Well, that's even better.

Yeah, all right.

How about dinner?

Yeah, I'll-I'll meet you
at nicolai's, 8:00.

Great.

Ha!

Yeah, not only
did she say yes,

But she doesn't want
to wait until Saturday.

We're going to meet tomorrow.

So, as I may have mentioned, ha!

Becker, today is Tuesday.

That means tomorrow
is Wednesday.

Well, thanks, big bird.

Maybe later

We'll work on numbers.

You have a
Wednesday date.

A Wednesday.
So?

So, she doesn't want to
waste a Saturday on you.

Wednesday dates
are pity dates.

Oh.

That's ridiculous.

Hey, jake. Are you ever
insulted when a woman

Wants to go out with you
on a Wednesday?

Never.
Ha!

It's 'cause I never go out
on Wednesday.

That's pity night.

All right, you know...

See?

You're both just full of it.

You know,
there's nothing negative

About a Wednesday date.

He's right.

All bob's dates
are on wednesdays.

Yeah, well, I have
to get back to work.

( phone ringing )

Hello.

The super?

Yeah, hold on.
I'll get him for you.

For you.

Yeah?

Your shower's leaking?

You're on the list.

How'd it feel?

Felt good, man.

Really good.

Hey.

Dr. Becker, you have
a patient in room one,

And mr. Tillman stopped by
and left a urine sample.

Oh, please, god,

Let it be in
a cup this time.

Hey, I want to, uh, want to
ask you something, linda.

You go out with
a lot of guys, right?

Well, not really.

I mean... Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, what do you think

About going out
on Wednesday night?

Dr. Becker,
I really don't think
that's appropriate.

What? Oh, no, no, no...

I mean, it's okay.

You're a man,
I'm an incredibly
desirable woman.

But... How to say this?

When I choose
who to go out with,

I kind of have this rule.

You can be old,
you can be poor,

But you can't be both.

Yeah, l-linda, I'm
not talking about us.

Dr. Becker,
there is no "us."

I'm not asking you out!

I just want to know

If a Wednesday date has some
kind of secret meaning.

No.
Thank you.

It's no secret.
Wednesday's pity night.

How can I be the only one
who doesn't know this?

Mr. Spector,
I'm sorry to keep
you waiting.

That's okay. I got time.

I do have time, right?

Yeah, you haven't paid your bill
in three months.

You're not going anywhere.

Hey, let me ask you something.

You're old, you'd know.

Is there some kind of a secret,
you know,

To getting along with women?

Dr. Becker,

I've been with a lot of women.

Oh, yeah? Really?

Okay, four.

But there's only one thing
that's ever worked for me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.
Saying you're sorry, right?

No, "sorry" makes you
sound weak

And helpless,
like some kind of sissy.

So what do you do?

I cry.

You cry?

Well, I-I've only
done it twice.

Once when my wife found out
I really didn't go

To a sales convention
in cleveland,

And another time
when she found out

The person I didn't go with
was her sister.

Oh. Fake crying, huh?

Now, how's that work?

Well, I pull a hair
out of my nose.

I'll keep that
in mind.

Tilt your head
up that way.

Wow, boy, you really
have only cried twice.

So... How long have you

And your wife
been together?

Oh. We got married in '45.

Hey.

Divorced in '46.

Have-- well, have you been alone
this whole time?

You bet.

It's the good life.

I got nobody to answer to,
nobody bothering me.

I got tv, I got takeout,
and if I want to see people,

There's a nice little
coffee shop I can go to.

Well, you know
how great it is.

You're single.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

The good life.

Oh, john?

I have a message
from a woman named beth

Confirming your date tonight.

Thank you,
and I got something for you.

Here you go--

Medicare forms all filled out
and ready to go.

Good.

"good"?

That's it?

You've been nagging me
for days.

You know, here they are.

You know, where's
the "way to go, john"?

Where's the "attaboy"?

You know,
I have my work here,

I have a lot going on at home,

And still

You want me to pat you
on your head

Because you finally did what you
were supposed to do last week.

Well, fine. Good job.

Thank you.

Way to go.

Hey...

Oh, come on.

I-I appreciate what
you do around here,

And I know that sometimes I
make your job a lot harder.

From now on, you tell me
to do something, it's done.

No excuses.

I guess what
I'm trying to say is

I'm sorry, margaret.

Wow, john, a real apology.

I really think you mean it.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Say you're sorry, and mean it.

Did you order
a kahlua and coke?

Yeah. When I was, like, 11.

But a half hour ago,
I ordered a beer.

Sir, you don't have
to snap at me.

Oh, right, right,
you probably have feelings, too.

Um...

Let me try this, um...

I'm sorry.

Well, thank you.

I appreciate that.

I'll go get you that beer.

Wow, that...

That's amazing.

Mm!

Beth...

I know, I'm late,
but, well,

You of all people
will appreciate this.

I'm coming across the bridge,

And all of a sudden,
traffic comes to a dead stop.

( chuckles )
know why?

A road crew is repainting
the lines on the street,

And right in the middle of...

Rush hour!
Rush hour!

I know. I know, that is so...

Unfair.

Th-that must have been

Very frustrating.

Beth, I'm sorry.

Well, how was
the rest of your day?

Ah, the rest of my day sucked.

I'm sorry.

Why? You didn't make it suck.

No, I know that.

I-I'm just...

I was ju...

I-I probably shouldn't have
brought it up.

I'm sorry.

For what?

I-I have no idea.

I-I'm just tr...

You know,
maybe I should get a drink.

Oh, yeah,
I-I'll get the waitress here.

Miss? Miss?

Hey, what, am I invisible here?!

You know, I've been...

She seems to be
a little busy right now.

Bread?

No, thanks. I just started
this new low-carb diet.

Oh, tell me about it.

It's low-carb.

Well... Then I probably
shouldn't have

Offered you the bread.
Oh.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.
Don't worry about it.

John, what's wrong with you?

You seem different tonight.

Yeah, you're damn right.

But better, though, huh?

Actually,
it's a little confusing.

I'm sorry?

Well, you just don't seem
like yourself.

I-I... That's because
on our first date,

I came on a little strong,

And right now I'm trying to be
a little more, like, you know,

Someone who you, as a woman,
would want me to be.

Well, stop it.

Sorry.

Don't say "I'm sorry."
okay.

Well, don't just
agree with me.
I'm sorry.

What the hell is going on?

When we first met
in the bookstore,

You were screaming
at the cashier that the line

Would move
a lot faster

If she'd just ring the books up

Instead of reviewing
every damn one.

I know, I shouldn't have
said that. I'm sorry.

Stop saying that!

John, I liked you
in the bookstore.

I liked you on our date.

You were strong.
You had opinions.

I said to myself,
"finally, a man!"

What's happened to you?!

Well, if you liked me,

Then why did you fake a headache
and leave early?

I didn't fake a headache,
I had a headache.

Then what the hell are
we doing here on a Wednesday?

What are you talking about?

Oh, please, everybody knows
Wednesday's pity night!

What?

W-Wednesday's not pity night?

It is now.

Oh, no, wait, wait, wait,
beth, no, wait.

Give me another chance here.

This is not me tonight.

I was acting
on some extremely bad advice.

Look, I'm not caring,
I'm not sensitive.

Come on, please,
let me prove it to you.

Oh, please, john, don't beg.

I'm not beg...
So, can I get you folks
some drinks here?

Yeah, you can bring me the beer
I ordered three years ago!

I mean,
what's your problem?!

You take an order,
write it down, you moron!

There! See?

That-that's who I am,
right there.

Stop trying
to impress me.
It's pathetic.

And do me a favor:
Lose my number.

Oh, no.
Come on, wait.

You got to believe me.

Listen, I don't care
about your day.

I don't care
about your feelings.

You know what else?

That dress makes
your ass look huge!

Leave the money
on the counter.

( phone ringing )

Yeah?

You're on the list.

Who was that?

Mrs. Garcia.

Drain clogged again?

Yeah.

She told me to rot in hell.

God, I miss her.

Jake, uh...

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

You ever... Miss it?

You know, your job?

W-why do you ask?

Well, I-I don't know.

I just thought that if you did,

I suppose there's nothing
stopping us from...

Trading back?
Yeah, there you go.

Great.

Uh, bob?

Oh, right. Sorry, sorry.

Morning, jake.

I'm taking a times
and a snickers.

Leave the money
on the counter.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.
( chuckles )

Well, you did it again.

Hey, a lot of people ordered
the roast beef

And nothing happened to them.

What?

Oh. Well, never mind.

What were you talking about?

Beth. Yeah, she liked me.

She liked me the way I was.

The real me,
not the me you created

In this little lab of yours.

She liked you being, rude,
insensitive and obnoxious?

Yeah, not to mention uncaring,
unfeeling and short-tempered!

Are you trying to tell me

You met the only other social
mutant on the entire planet?

Yeah.

What are the odds
of that happening again?

Becker, I was just
trying to help.

I-I'm sorry.

Sorry? Yeah, take it from me,
sorry doesn't cut it.

Well, what do you
want me to do?

I just want you to listen.

All right,
I'm listening.

Good. I hate you.

Now, you, when are you
going to fix my damn stove?

You're on the list.

Like there's a list.