Becker (1998–2004): Season 4, Episode 17 - Picture Imperfect - full transcript
An unflattering picture of someone other than John is placed in an article about him, causing him distress.
Reg!
Right here, jake.
Reg!
Right here, jake!
Why are we yelling?!
Uh, well,
last night
Amanda dragged me
to some club
To see a metal band.
She insisted
we sit up front
Right next
to the speakers.
When I woke up this morning,
I couldn't hear.
You should have
becker check you out.
So I had john
check me out and...
...He said I should get
my hearing back
In a couple of days.
Well, at least
you'll be better soon.
Noon?!
No, I said
a couple of days.
Do you have a hearing problem?
Yes, unfortunately,
mine's working fine.
Hey, reg.
Hi, bob.
Hey, jake.
I said, "hey, jake."
Yeah, well, screw you, too.
Bob, jake can't hear.
No, you mean jake can't see.
No, amanda took
him to a concert
And he lost his hearing.
You're kidding.
He can't hear,
he can't see.
He's about as useful
as a paperweight.
Yeah, it's still more
useful than you.
You know what I hate?
(reggie and bob groan)
People that come to the door
And bully me into buying
a bunch of crap I don't want.
This morning it was some pushy
little girl in a green uniform.
I had to spend, like,
35 bucks on cookies
Just to get her
to leave.
Yeah, good luck
cashing that check.
Hi, john!
How'd you know it was becker?!
I felt a blast
of hot air
On the back
of my neck.
What are you doing?
Putting a black six
on a red seven.
Turn that off
or I'm going to put
A black five on your red head.
If you're going to keep
wearing women's shoes,
You may want
to lay off the stilettos.
You don't want
to look trampy.
You know what?
Get off my back.
Ooh, all right,
all right.
I mean, after all,
you're a big guy.
You're almost as tall as I am.
Well, in heels.
Oh, yeah, great, look
who decides to show up.
Where were you
yesterday?
You know, I had
to use tap water
In my oatmeal
this morning.
How do you find
the courage to go on?
You know something?
Just show up
When you're supposed to,
for crying out loud.
Wow, is he ever happy?
He was happy the day he got
that tie he's wearing.
A patient left it here
and never came back.
And by that, I mean, he died.
It was kind
of bittersweet
'cause he wasn't happy
that the guy died,
But he really liked that tie.
So how's the water business?
Good,
Long as people believe
There's really a mountain spring
in passaic, new jersey.
(laughs)
Hey, linda, I
was thinking,
Would you like to have
dinner with me sometime?
Sure, that would be great.
How about tonight?
I'll pick you up here at 6:00?
Perfect.
Okay, see you then.
See you then.
Linda, I think that's
very sweet of you.
It's nice that you don't
mind that he's, uh...
Well, you know.
What?
Well... You know.
What, that he's a
water-delivery man?
No, no, no, no, I wasn't
talking about what he does.
Well, then what?
You don't like
the way he dresses,
What he drives?
You're getting at
something, margaret.
What is it?
Never mind.
Go out with arnoldo.
Have a wonderful time.
Oh, this is fantastic.
John!
John, look.
You're being published in
the new york medical review.
What?
They liked
your piece
On atypical
mycobacterial pneumonia.
Congratulations.
Oh, thank you, margaret.
Hey, you know, now those
smartasses back at harvard
Are going to see
that I'm not just some yokel,
That I'm a respected member of
the medical community, you know.
I deserve to be
taken seriously.
Oh, look at...
Darn it.
Oh.
You know what
I paid for this tie?
Yes, I do.
Poor jake, huh?
First he's blind,
now he can't hear.
Breaks my heart.
Your compassion
might be more convincing
If you'd stop
stealing his lunch.
(telephone ringing)
Diner.
Oh, hi, amanda.
Yeah, hold on.
Jake, it's amanda on the phone.
What?
I'm sorry.
On the phone! It's amanda!
A panda?!
On the phone! Amanda!
Would have been cool
if it was a panda, huh?
Amanda, huh?
You know what?
It's her fault
I lost my hearing!
You can tell her to go to hell!
You know what?
I think jake needs a little...
Oh, you heard that.
Okay.
Tell him what?
I... You know...
I don't really want to scream
those words across my diner.
I'm not taking a tone.
It's just that I'm running
a business.
It is, too, a business.
What a bitch.
Rich? Amanda?
(chuckles)
not really.
Hey, guys, I suppose
you're going to find out
Sooner or later, so I might
as well tell you now.
I'm being published in the
new york medical review.
Hey.
How would we ever
find that out?
Well...
Congratulations, becker.
Yeah, thank you, thank you.
It's kind of special because
It doesn't happen that often...
Oh, my god.
There's an article
in people magazine
About a cat that
can water-ski.
What?
I read about
that cat.
He's unbelievable.
Look, you know, as
fascinating as that is,
My piece happens
to be a study
On atypical
mycobacterial pneumonia.
Yeah, but this cat can ski.
Hey, did you know
cats hate water?
Not all cats.
There's one in people magazine
that water-skis.
You got to love
the little dog driving the boat.
Oh... Forget it.
Coffee, please.
Hey, jake.
Hey, john,
how you doing?
Well, I'm being
published
In the new york
medical journal,
But all anyone
ever wants
To talk about is some
water-skiing cat!
That's amazing.
I know.
How small
are the skis?
You guys know linda
From over at becker's
office, right?
You know if she likes
to go dancing?
Linda?
Yeah, I think so.
Look, if you're thinking
about asking linda out,
Don't waste your time.
I already did, and she said yes.
You got a problem
with that there, sport-o?
As a matter of fact, I do.
She wouldn't go out with me.
Get this-- she said
I was too short.
Oh, maybe you're
just not short enough.
Don't feel too badly.
A lot of guys are jealous of me.
Please. What do you have
that I don't have?
Well, for starters...
A date with linda.
Morning, margaret.
Hi, linda.
Oh, how was your date
with arnoldo?
He's a really nice guy,
But we just didn't click.
Is that because he's,
well, you know?
What, a water-delivery man?
What do you have against
those people anyways?
I mean, I notice you drink
the water he brings,
So don't be such a hypocrite.
I've, uh, I've written this down
for you because it's--
Well, it's really,
really important.
It's called the new york
medical review.
Now, you can find that
in any college library.
Nice kid.
John?
Yeah.
Package arrived for you.
I think it's your article.
Oh, yeah?
Congratulations, john.
Yeah, yeah, thank
you, margaret.
You know, I'm thinking
of having this framed
And put up in the waiting
room here, you know.
Give the patients a
little extra feeling
Of confidence, you know.
They can look and
see that I'm...
Hideous.
What?
This, this picture next
to my name-- it's not me.
It's, it's of some big, fat,
hideous-looking person.
Oh, john, relax.
Nobody likes looking
at pictures of themselves.
Ooh, especially that kind.
Yeah, well, finally.
This is dr. John becker.
I wrote a piece in
your latest issue.
No, becker. Becker.
The ugly bald
guy on page 36.
Yes, yes, I'll hold.
Was this picture taken
before I started working here?
'cause you look
a lot better now.
Oh, yeah, linda,
I magically got smaller ears,
Grew hair on my head,
and lost 70 pounds.
I told you
he had work done.
Oh, yeah, by the way,
If arnoldo calls,
I'm not here.
Chances are I won't
be here anyways,
But even if I am,
I'm not.
Why don't you
just tell him
You don't want
to see him again?
This is much more humane.
It's humane to ignore
the poor guy's calls?
I meant,
more humane for me.
Have him call
me, please.
Damn it, margaret, you know,
30 years studying medicine,
Two years researching that
article, and for what?
I look like some
kind of freak.
Oh, john, why don't you just
look at the bigger picture?
There's a bigger picture?
John, you're letting
your ego get the best of you.
Your article is going
to help a lot of people.
Yeah, and
they're all
Going to think that I
only have one eyebrow.
Look at that.
Well, at least it'll only
be seen in new york.
Margaret,
it's a national journal.
I'll be ridiculed everywhere,
from here to california.
Oh, speaking of california,
Did you read
about that water-skiing cat?
I hate that cat.
Coffee, reg.
Oh, becker,
I am so sorry.
Don't apologize.
Just learn how to make
better coffee.
I'm talking about when
you came in the other day
To show us that article.
We should have been
more interested.
Oh, no, you know,
that's all right.
Articles come and go.
Yeah, they do.
But a picture like this
lives on forever.
(laughs)
Where did you get that?
Linda brought it over.
Let me see that.
No, no, don't,
don't, please.
Boy, if ever there was
a time to read it and weep.
They made a mistake
down at the review.
Obviously,
that's not me.
Well, it's not
so bad, becker.
I mean, just think of all
the lonely single women
Who will be looking for
a lonely single doctor.
It doesn't say
I'm single.
Certainly doesn't
say you're dating.
(phone ringing)
Diner.
Oh, amanda.
Yes, this time
I am taking a tone,
And here's another one.
(ringing)
Bob, would you get that?
I can't deal with her today.
Diner.
Oh, hey, amanda, what
can I do for you?
Jake, amanda
wants to make up!
Tell her to prove it!
He wants you to prove it.
Hold on.
She wants to make you dinner!
Not interested!
Sorry, my pet, you're going
to have to do better.
A romantic dinner?
Exactly how romantic
were you thinking?
You're right, you're right.
This is not something
you should be telling me.
I'll put jake on the phone.
(in deep voice):
Hey, baby.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I got it, baby.
What did she say?
You lucky bastard.
Pass the mustard?
Just go home!
Guy's a houseplant,
He's getting more
action than me.
All right, I updated
my patient notes
And I finished
the hmo forms.
I'll put a smiley face
next to your name.
It'll still look
more like me
Than that picture did.
Has anyone called
from the magazine?
No, but you did get
some calls about the article.
Someone named elaine called--
A girl you broke up with
in college.
Her message is, and I quote,
"so who's fat and ugly now?"
And, and your friend
dr. Kagan called.
His message is still
on the machine.
(hysterical laughter)
All right,
that's, that's enough.
You can turn it off.
Hey, handsome.
(laughter)
You know, tha-that's it,
you know, I've had it.
I'm going down to that magazine
And I'm gonna get
some satisfaction
Or this could turn ugly.
Too late.
So how many times
has arnoldo called?
None.
Really?
Well, he thinks a lot
of himself, doesn't he?
Why do you care?
I thought you didn't
want to see him again.
I don't, but I want him
to call me.
All right, very slowly now.
If you don't want to go out
with him,
Why do you want him to call?
Because you always want a guy
to call you after a date.
(phone ringing)
Doctor's office.
Oh, yes, hi, arnoldo.
Yes, of course, she's...
Not here right now.
Oh, okay, I'll tell her.
He wants you to meet him
at reggie's
Friday morning at 8:00.
Yes, he likes me.
Now I have to dump him.
Well, what's the difference?
You're not interested in him.
Margaret, margaret, margaret.
If you'd ever
turned down a man
Instead of marrying
the first one
Who offered you a seat
on the subway,
You'd understand.
I hate it when she's right.
(knocking)
Excuse me.
Yes, hello, can I help you?
Well, I, I hope so.
My name is dr. John becker.
I had an article
in this week's journal.
Oh, right-- "atypical
mycobacterial pneumonia."
That was fascinating.
Yeah, well,
thank you.
My problem is that
The picture with the article
is not of me.
Wow, I can see why
you're so upset.
This picture is hideous.
Well, finally, yeah,
somebody understands me.
Absolutely. Please, have a seat.
Oh, thank you.
There must be something
we can do.
Um, how about we print
some kind of retraction?
Oh, well, that'd,
that'd be great.
You know,
that's not good enough.
Why don't we reprint the article
along with your real picture?
Y-you could do that?
Sure, and, you know,
why don't I bring in
A professional photographer
To do a little photo spread,
you know?
The real
john becker--
At work, at play.
You know, at work would be fine.
Thank you so much.
I can't tell you
How great it is that
you can help me.
Of course I can.
But I won't.
Excuse me?
You don't remember me, do you?
No.
The name's wally lininger
And I put in that picture...
As revenge.
Oh, god, I hate
when this happens.
It was harvard,
October 1970.
I remember...
There was a brisk chill
in the air
When I walked
across the yard
To take my medical school
admissions test.
I was wearing
my green sweater--
My lucky green sweater,
or so I thought.
Oh, look, you know,
If I did something
to your sweater, I'm sorry.
That's no reason...
I studied my ass off
for that exam!
Everyone expected me to ace it,
Go on to harvard med school,
and become a doctor.
That's not what happened?
No, that's not what happened.
You want to know why?
Because you sat next to me
at the exam.
Question one:
"hypothalamus."
I knew it cold.
I was just reading
the next question
When you leaned over to borrow
a number two pencil.
That's what this is about?
You broke my concentration.
You made me skip a row
on the answer sheet
So that when
I got to the end of the test,
I'd run out of little circles.
Oh...
Yes.
"oh."
Every single answer
was one number off.
All because you forgot to bring
your damn pencil!
Couldn't you have just
taken the test again?
Gee, why didn't I think of that?
They didn't give it again
for six months.
You know what happened to me
in that time?
My scholarship ran out,
I was working
three jobs at once,
My wife left me,
I started drinking,
I had a nervous breakdown,
And then the bad stuff
started happening.
Look, I-I'm sorry if you think
that this is my fault...
It is your fault.
Because of you, I never got
to go to medical school.
The best I could do was
get a job here
As a lousy junior editor.
You're living the life
I should have had,
Mr. Big fancy doctor.
Big fancy doctor?
What the hell are you
talking about?
I live in the bronx, alone.
I've been divorced twice.
I have a crappy office.
My patients can barely afford
to pay me.
My car is held together
with duct tape.
Duct tape!
The only thing I got
going for me in this life
Is that I don't
look like this guy.
Really?
You're a loser?
Huge!
You're not just saying that?
Oh, come on,
why would I?
I mean, look at me.
Yeah, I guess that raincoat
Doesn't exactly scream success.
This, this is not even
waterproof.
I mean, come on, out
of the goodness of your heart,
Couldn't you just
reprint the article
With my real picture, please?
All I really wanted to do
was humiliate you.
And you di-- you did.
The few friends I have,
they made ass-fun of me.
Really?
It was horrible.
(laughs)
I'm sorry.
(laughs)
Pretty good, yeah?
Well, okay,
I-I'll reprint the article.
I'll use your real picture.
Oh, thank you.
B-but you got to, you got
to sign this release form.
Oh, sure.
Uh, can I borrow
a pencil?
Yeah, sure.
(screams)
Hi, arnoldo.
Hi, linda.
Thanks for meeting me here.
Look, I really like you
and I think that you're...
Linda, please don't.
It only makes what I have to say
that much harder.
You're very nice, but I don't
think we should go out again.
What?
I'm sorry,
but you're just not my type.
We don't share any interests.
I mean, there was no chemistry.
But I thought we had something.
We really didn't.
You used me!
For what?
Nothing happened.
Well, you don't know me.
It could have.
Sorry, linda, good-bye.
Wait, arnoldo, we
can work this out.
Just give me another chance.
Well, don't wait too long.
The medical waste guy
thinks I'm very cute.
Hey, jake!
Hey, reg, hey,
you don't have to shout.
I got my hearing back.
Oh, thank god.
Yeah, it feels great,
And, you know, best of all,
amanda and I made up.
I mean,
she actually apologized,
She made me dinner,
And she bought me
some new clothes.
I think she may still
be mad at you.
Come on, why would you say that?
Just a hunch.
Hey, everybody.
Boy, nice outfit, pal.
Hey.
Here it is, huh?
The new issue of the
new york medical review
With a photograph
of yours truly.
Wow, how'd you
manage that?
Well, I just went down there
and demanded a reprint,
And they don't do that
for just anybody.
You know,
you got to be
A respected member
of the medical community.
You got to be
an important person.
You got to be...
Dr. John pecker?
(laughing)
Right here, jake.
Reg!
Right here, jake!
Why are we yelling?!
Uh, well,
last night
Amanda dragged me
to some club
To see a metal band.
She insisted
we sit up front
Right next
to the speakers.
When I woke up this morning,
I couldn't hear.
You should have
becker check you out.
So I had john
check me out and...
...He said I should get
my hearing back
In a couple of days.
Well, at least
you'll be better soon.
Noon?!
No, I said
a couple of days.
Do you have a hearing problem?
Yes, unfortunately,
mine's working fine.
Hey, reg.
Hi, bob.
Hey, jake.
I said, "hey, jake."
Yeah, well, screw you, too.
Bob, jake can't hear.
No, you mean jake can't see.
No, amanda took
him to a concert
And he lost his hearing.
You're kidding.
He can't hear,
he can't see.
He's about as useful
as a paperweight.
Yeah, it's still more
useful than you.
You know what I hate?
(reggie and bob groan)
People that come to the door
And bully me into buying
a bunch of crap I don't want.
This morning it was some pushy
little girl in a green uniform.
I had to spend, like,
35 bucks on cookies
Just to get her
to leave.
Yeah, good luck
cashing that check.
Hi, john!
How'd you know it was becker?!
I felt a blast
of hot air
On the back
of my neck.
What are you doing?
Putting a black six
on a red seven.
Turn that off
or I'm going to put
A black five on your red head.
If you're going to keep
wearing women's shoes,
You may want
to lay off the stilettos.
You don't want
to look trampy.
You know what?
Get off my back.
Ooh, all right,
all right.
I mean, after all,
you're a big guy.
You're almost as tall as I am.
Well, in heels.
Oh, yeah, great, look
who decides to show up.
Where were you
yesterday?
You know, I had
to use tap water
In my oatmeal
this morning.
How do you find
the courage to go on?
You know something?
Just show up
When you're supposed to,
for crying out loud.
Wow, is he ever happy?
He was happy the day he got
that tie he's wearing.
A patient left it here
and never came back.
And by that, I mean, he died.
It was kind
of bittersweet
'cause he wasn't happy
that the guy died,
But he really liked that tie.
So how's the water business?
Good,
Long as people believe
There's really a mountain spring
in passaic, new jersey.
(laughs)
Hey, linda, I
was thinking,
Would you like to have
dinner with me sometime?
Sure, that would be great.
How about tonight?
I'll pick you up here at 6:00?
Perfect.
Okay, see you then.
See you then.
Linda, I think that's
very sweet of you.
It's nice that you don't
mind that he's, uh...
Well, you know.
What?
Well... You know.
What, that he's a
water-delivery man?
No, no, no, no, I wasn't
talking about what he does.
Well, then what?
You don't like
the way he dresses,
What he drives?
You're getting at
something, margaret.
What is it?
Never mind.
Go out with arnoldo.
Have a wonderful time.
Oh, this is fantastic.
John!
John, look.
You're being published in
the new york medical review.
What?
They liked
your piece
On atypical
mycobacterial pneumonia.
Congratulations.
Oh, thank you, margaret.
Hey, you know, now those
smartasses back at harvard
Are going to see
that I'm not just some yokel,
That I'm a respected member of
the medical community, you know.
I deserve to be
taken seriously.
Oh, look at...
Darn it.
Oh.
You know what
I paid for this tie?
Yes, I do.
Poor jake, huh?
First he's blind,
now he can't hear.
Breaks my heart.
Your compassion
might be more convincing
If you'd stop
stealing his lunch.
(telephone ringing)
Diner.
Oh, hi, amanda.
Yeah, hold on.
Jake, it's amanda on the phone.
What?
I'm sorry.
On the phone! It's amanda!
A panda?!
On the phone! Amanda!
Would have been cool
if it was a panda, huh?
Amanda, huh?
You know what?
It's her fault
I lost my hearing!
You can tell her to go to hell!
You know what?
I think jake needs a little...
Oh, you heard that.
Okay.
Tell him what?
I... You know...
I don't really want to scream
those words across my diner.
I'm not taking a tone.
It's just that I'm running
a business.
It is, too, a business.
What a bitch.
Rich? Amanda?
(chuckles)
not really.
Hey, guys, I suppose
you're going to find out
Sooner or later, so I might
as well tell you now.
I'm being published in the
new york medical review.
Hey.
How would we ever
find that out?
Well...
Congratulations, becker.
Yeah, thank you, thank you.
It's kind of special because
It doesn't happen that often...
Oh, my god.
There's an article
in people magazine
About a cat that
can water-ski.
What?
I read about
that cat.
He's unbelievable.
Look, you know, as
fascinating as that is,
My piece happens
to be a study
On atypical
mycobacterial pneumonia.
Yeah, but this cat can ski.
Hey, did you know
cats hate water?
Not all cats.
There's one in people magazine
that water-skis.
You got to love
the little dog driving the boat.
Oh... Forget it.
Coffee, please.
Hey, jake.
Hey, john,
how you doing?
Well, I'm being
published
In the new york
medical journal,
But all anyone
ever wants
To talk about is some
water-skiing cat!
That's amazing.
I know.
How small
are the skis?
You guys know linda
From over at becker's
office, right?
You know if she likes
to go dancing?
Linda?
Yeah, I think so.
Look, if you're thinking
about asking linda out,
Don't waste your time.
I already did, and she said yes.
You got a problem
with that there, sport-o?
As a matter of fact, I do.
She wouldn't go out with me.
Get this-- she said
I was too short.
Oh, maybe you're
just not short enough.
Don't feel too badly.
A lot of guys are jealous of me.
Please. What do you have
that I don't have?
Well, for starters...
A date with linda.
Morning, margaret.
Hi, linda.
Oh, how was your date
with arnoldo?
He's a really nice guy,
But we just didn't click.
Is that because he's,
well, you know?
What, a water-delivery man?
What do you have against
those people anyways?
I mean, I notice you drink
the water he brings,
So don't be such a hypocrite.
I've, uh, I've written this down
for you because it's--
Well, it's really,
really important.
It's called the new york
medical review.
Now, you can find that
in any college library.
Nice kid.
John?
Yeah.
Package arrived for you.
I think it's your article.
Oh, yeah?
Congratulations, john.
Yeah, yeah, thank
you, margaret.
You know, I'm thinking
of having this framed
And put up in the waiting
room here, you know.
Give the patients a
little extra feeling
Of confidence, you know.
They can look and
see that I'm...
Hideous.
What?
This, this picture next
to my name-- it's not me.
It's, it's of some big, fat,
hideous-looking person.
Oh, john, relax.
Nobody likes looking
at pictures of themselves.
Ooh, especially that kind.
Yeah, well, finally.
This is dr. John becker.
I wrote a piece in
your latest issue.
No, becker. Becker.
The ugly bald
guy on page 36.
Yes, yes, I'll hold.
Was this picture taken
before I started working here?
'cause you look
a lot better now.
Oh, yeah, linda,
I magically got smaller ears,
Grew hair on my head,
and lost 70 pounds.
I told you
he had work done.
Oh, yeah, by the way,
If arnoldo calls,
I'm not here.
Chances are I won't
be here anyways,
But even if I am,
I'm not.
Why don't you
just tell him
You don't want
to see him again?
This is much more humane.
It's humane to ignore
the poor guy's calls?
I meant,
more humane for me.
Have him call
me, please.
Damn it, margaret, you know,
30 years studying medicine,
Two years researching that
article, and for what?
I look like some
kind of freak.
Oh, john, why don't you just
look at the bigger picture?
There's a bigger picture?
John, you're letting
your ego get the best of you.
Your article is going
to help a lot of people.
Yeah, and
they're all
Going to think that I
only have one eyebrow.
Look at that.
Well, at least it'll only
be seen in new york.
Margaret,
it's a national journal.
I'll be ridiculed everywhere,
from here to california.
Oh, speaking of california,
Did you read
about that water-skiing cat?
I hate that cat.
Coffee, reg.
Oh, becker,
I am so sorry.
Don't apologize.
Just learn how to make
better coffee.
I'm talking about when
you came in the other day
To show us that article.
We should have been
more interested.
Oh, no, you know,
that's all right.
Articles come and go.
Yeah, they do.
But a picture like this
lives on forever.
(laughs)
Where did you get that?
Linda brought it over.
Let me see that.
No, no, don't,
don't, please.
Boy, if ever there was
a time to read it and weep.
They made a mistake
down at the review.
Obviously,
that's not me.
Well, it's not
so bad, becker.
I mean, just think of all
the lonely single women
Who will be looking for
a lonely single doctor.
It doesn't say
I'm single.
Certainly doesn't
say you're dating.
(phone ringing)
Diner.
Oh, amanda.
Yes, this time
I am taking a tone,
And here's another one.
(ringing)
Bob, would you get that?
I can't deal with her today.
Diner.
Oh, hey, amanda, what
can I do for you?
Jake, amanda
wants to make up!
Tell her to prove it!
He wants you to prove it.
Hold on.
She wants to make you dinner!
Not interested!
Sorry, my pet, you're going
to have to do better.
A romantic dinner?
Exactly how romantic
were you thinking?
You're right, you're right.
This is not something
you should be telling me.
I'll put jake on the phone.
(in deep voice):
Hey, baby.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I got it, baby.
What did she say?
You lucky bastard.
Pass the mustard?
Just go home!
Guy's a houseplant,
He's getting more
action than me.
All right, I updated
my patient notes
And I finished
the hmo forms.
I'll put a smiley face
next to your name.
It'll still look
more like me
Than that picture did.
Has anyone called
from the magazine?
No, but you did get
some calls about the article.
Someone named elaine called--
A girl you broke up with
in college.
Her message is, and I quote,
"so who's fat and ugly now?"
And, and your friend
dr. Kagan called.
His message is still
on the machine.
(hysterical laughter)
All right,
that's, that's enough.
You can turn it off.
Hey, handsome.
(laughter)
You know, tha-that's it,
you know, I've had it.
I'm going down to that magazine
And I'm gonna get
some satisfaction
Or this could turn ugly.
Too late.
So how many times
has arnoldo called?
None.
Really?
Well, he thinks a lot
of himself, doesn't he?
Why do you care?
I thought you didn't
want to see him again.
I don't, but I want him
to call me.
All right, very slowly now.
If you don't want to go out
with him,
Why do you want him to call?
Because you always want a guy
to call you after a date.
(phone ringing)
Doctor's office.
Oh, yes, hi, arnoldo.
Yes, of course, she's...
Not here right now.
Oh, okay, I'll tell her.
He wants you to meet him
at reggie's
Friday morning at 8:00.
Yes, he likes me.
Now I have to dump him.
Well, what's the difference?
You're not interested in him.
Margaret, margaret, margaret.
If you'd ever
turned down a man
Instead of marrying
the first one
Who offered you a seat
on the subway,
You'd understand.
I hate it when she's right.
(knocking)
Excuse me.
Yes, hello, can I help you?
Well, I, I hope so.
My name is dr. John becker.
I had an article
in this week's journal.
Oh, right-- "atypical
mycobacterial pneumonia."
That was fascinating.
Yeah, well,
thank you.
My problem is that
The picture with the article
is not of me.
Wow, I can see why
you're so upset.
This picture is hideous.
Well, finally, yeah,
somebody understands me.
Absolutely. Please, have a seat.
Oh, thank you.
There must be something
we can do.
Um, how about we print
some kind of retraction?
Oh, well, that'd,
that'd be great.
You know,
that's not good enough.
Why don't we reprint the article
along with your real picture?
Y-you could do that?
Sure, and, you know,
why don't I bring in
A professional photographer
To do a little photo spread,
you know?
The real
john becker--
At work, at play.
You know, at work would be fine.
Thank you so much.
I can't tell you
How great it is that
you can help me.
Of course I can.
But I won't.
Excuse me?
You don't remember me, do you?
No.
The name's wally lininger
And I put in that picture...
As revenge.
Oh, god, I hate
when this happens.
It was harvard,
October 1970.
I remember...
There was a brisk chill
in the air
When I walked
across the yard
To take my medical school
admissions test.
I was wearing
my green sweater--
My lucky green sweater,
or so I thought.
Oh, look, you know,
If I did something
to your sweater, I'm sorry.
That's no reason...
I studied my ass off
for that exam!
Everyone expected me to ace it,
Go on to harvard med school,
and become a doctor.
That's not what happened?
No, that's not what happened.
You want to know why?
Because you sat next to me
at the exam.
Question one:
"hypothalamus."
I knew it cold.
I was just reading
the next question
When you leaned over to borrow
a number two pencil.
That's what this is about?
You broke my concentration.
You made me skip a row
on the answer sheet
So that when
I got to the end of the test,
I'd run out of little circles.
Oh...
Yes.
"oh."
Every single answer
was one number off.
All because you forgot to bring
your damn pencil!
Couldn't you have just
taken the test again?
Gee, why didn't I think of that?
They didn't give it again
for six months.
You know what happened to me
in that time?
My scholarship ran out,
I was working
three jobs at once,
My wife left me,
I started drinking,
I had a nervous breakdown,
And then the bad stuff
started happening.
Look, I-I'm sorry if you think
that this is my fault...
It is your fault.
Because of you, I never got
to go to medical school.
The best I could do was
get a job here
As a lousy junior editor.
You're living the life
I should have had,
Mr. Big fancy doctor.
Big fancy doctor?
What the hell are you
talking about?
I live in the bronx, alone.
I've been divorced twice.
I have a crappy office.
My patients can barely afford
to pay me.
My car is held together
with duct tape.
Duct tape!
The only thing I got
going for me in this life
Is that I don't
look like this guy.
Really?
You're a loser?
Huge!
You're not just saying that?
Oh, come on,
why would I?
I mean, look at me.
Yeah, I guess that raincoat
Doesn't exactly scream success.
This, this is not even
waterproof.
I mean, come on, out
of the goodness of your heart,
Couldn't you just
reprint the article
With my real picture, please?
All I really wanted to do
was humiliate you.
And you di-- you did.
The few friends I have,
they made ass-fun of me.
Really?
It was horrible.
(laughs)
I'm sorry.
(laughs)
Pretty good, yeah?
Well, okay,
I-I'll reprint the article.
I'll use your real picture.
Oh, thank you.
B-but you got to, you got
to sign this release form.
Oh, sure.
Uh, can I borrow
a pencil?
Yeah, sure.
(screams)
Hi, arnoldo.
Hi, linda.
Thanks for meeting me here.
Look, I really like you
and I think that you're...
Linda, please don't.
It only makes what I have to say
that much harder.
You're very nice, but I don't
think we should go out again.
What?
I'm sorry,
but you're just not my type.
We don't share any interests.
I mean, there was no chemistry.
But I thought we had something.
We really didn't.
You used me!
For what?
Nothing happened.
Well, you don't know me.
It could have.
Sorry, linda, good-bye.
Wait, arnoldo, we
can work this out.
Just give me another chance.
Well, don't wait too long.
The medical waste guy
thinks I'm very cute.
Hey, jake!
Hey, reg, hey,
you don't have to shout.
I got my hearing back.
Oh, thank god.
Yeah, it feels great,
And, you know, best of all,
amanda and I made up.
I mean,
she actually apologized,
She made me dinner,
And she bought me
some new clothes.
I think she may still
be mad at you.
Come on, why would you say that?
Just a hunch.
Hey, everybody.
Boy, nice outfit, pal.
Hey.
Here it is, huh?
The new issue of the
new york medical review
With a photograph
of yours truly.
Wow, how'd you
manage that?
Well, I just went down there
and demanded a reprint,
And they don't do that
for just anybody.
You know,
you got to be
A respected member
of the medical community.
You got to be
an important person.
You got to be...
Dr. John pecker?
(laughing)