Becker (1998–2004): Season 4, Episode 16 - Let's Talk About Sex - full transcript

Jake, there are two guys

Sitting in the booth,
having breakfast,

Staring out the window.

So?

So they've been
here for hours.

I'm thinking they're
here to rob the place.

Of what?

Hey, for all you know,

There could be a lot of
valuable stuff in here

That you can't see.

Is there?



Leave me alone.
Mm-hmm.

Hello, officers.

So, what are the cops
doing here?

How do you know
they're cops?
Cheap shoes,

Cheap suits, and one of
'em's got a .38 in his sock.

Oh, my god,
I hope they're cops.

Excuse me.

Um, are you two gentlemen
police officers?

As a matter of fact, we are.

See, what'd I tell you?

Oh, I can't tell you
how relieved I am to hear that.

You know, 'cause I was starting
to freak out.

No one ever stays in here
this long.

Actually, we're on a stakeout.



We're here to watch the guy
who works across the street.

Oh, thank god, 'cause I thought

You might be here
to rob the place.

Of what?

(laughing)

Oh, you're so funny.

If more people knew how funny
you cops were,

They wouldn't be
so afraid of you.

Not that people
are afraid of you.

It's just that when you
hear the word "cop,"

You start to think,
"oh, my god, what have I done?"

Not that I've done anything.

It's just that...

Ma'am.

I'll go now.

You know, I always
wanted to be a cop.

The heroism, the helping
people, the respect.

Then I found out what
you guys get paid.

Like I'm gonna put
my life on the line

For 30 grand a year.

You're doing it now for free.

You know that broken meter
out front where I always park?

John, I don't think
you want to...

Interrupt me?
No, you don't.

The damn city
decided to fix it.

You know, I wish the stupid cops
would harass actual criminals

Instead of innocent people
who park illegally.

I'm gonna smash that...

Uh, becker.

Hey, I'm talking here, bob.

Do you still have

That baseball bat
behind the counter?

No, wait, wait, wait, I probably
shouldn't do that again.

Just give me a
paper bag, please.

Uh, becker, I really don't...

No, no, no, reg,
let the man finish.

Yeah, let the man finish.

Just give me a paper bag,
will you,

So I can write "out of order"
and stick it on the meter?

Thank you.

All right, now, what is it
you want to tell me?

Those two guys are cops.

Oh, boy, I tell you,
without my medication

I have no idea what I'm saying.

What I meant was,

Do you have change
for the meter?

Thanks a lot.
Great friends.

I'm a doctor, I'll be fine.

You know, linda,

I don't ask you to do
a lot around here.

And don't think
I don't appreciate it.

But what I do
ask is that

We always have a
fresh pot of coffee,

You know, and you promised me
you'd take care of that.

When you make a promise,
you should live up to it.

I am so glad
to hear you say that.

Thank you.

Because you promised
me that you'd decide

What you're going to do for
this month's community service.

Oh, god.

Oh, come on, john.

You're the one who says

It's important that we help out
in the neighborhood.

I say a lot of things,
margaret.

Don't I know it.

Now, you have to pick something.

Bloodmobile at the mall,
lice check at the kindergarten,

Prostate screening
at the senior center...

Oh, great, yeah,
blood, bugs, and butts.

What a choice.

Uh, how about this?

Nutrition lecture
for school kids.

Uh, I don't know about that.

Oh, come on, it's not like

You're going to have
to actually watch them eat.

All right, all right,
all right, I'll do that.

Yeah, I'll go talk
to the little nose-diggers

About the food pyramid.

Linda:
You can't just talk to 'em.

You got to spice it up a little.

You know, posters, props,
visual aids.

Yeah, good idea-- you'll
be in charge of that

And you're coming with me.

What?
Yeah, I bet
you're wishing

You'd made the coffee now,
aren't you, huh?

Margaret:
It's a good thing
you picked the school

Because the only thing left

Was to go to the prison
and teach cpr again.

Well, I-I'd do that, but
I never got the doll back.

You know, seeing you two guys
in here

Has made bob think
about a career move.

Maybe you can help me out.

So you want help getting
into the police academy?

No, I want
to be a snitch.

I'm telling you,
now, that's the job

Bob was born to do.

I'm on the streets,
I hear things.

I can come and go
without being seen.

I'm like a silverfish.

In fact, that can be
my code name.

Or you could call him cockroach.

That's what we call him.

You see?
That's how good I am.

I knew that.

Sir, you're annoying my partner.

How can you tell?

I think it would be better
if you just left.

If you want to do something
to him,

I promise I'll look
the other way.

Look, can I ask
one more question?

No!
All right, we'll talk later.

I'm sorry about bob.

Some people don't respect
personal space.

Yeah, well, what are you...?

You know,
the last time we spoke...

I might have seemed
jumpy,

Nervous, ill at ease.

And to suspicious people
like you,

I might have looked like
I was guilty of something.

B-believe me,
I'm not guilty of anything.

I don't care what anyone says.

Your partner's staring
at me, isn't he?

Yeah, you better go.

Okay, we'll talk later.

You'll have to excuse her.

Sometimes she's a little slow
on the uptake.

(in deep voice):
How you doing, jake?

Hey, lenny, how are things
down at the factory?

You know, busting my hump till
they give me the gold watch.

Oh, I hear you, I hear you.

Let me get some rolaids.

Ulcer's acting up.

And I'll take a playboy,
a penthouse, and a hustler.

What is this,
self-service?

Where's reg?
I'm starved.

Lenny, this is the doctor
I was talking to you about.

Maybe he can look
at your ulcer.

Hey, listen, maybe another time.

If I get home late,
my wife will rip me a new one.

Dr. Becker, are you ready?

No, my assistant isn't here
yet with the visual aids.

If we could just
wait a minute...

Oh, I don't think so.

Don't get me wrong--
I love kids,

But if I don't have
a cigarette every hour,

I love them a lot less.

Class, we have
a treat today.

Dr. Becker is here to talk
to us about nutrition,

So I expect you all to behave.

I have a very important
faculty meeting.

Well, I'm, uh,

I'm dr. Becker.

So... Nutrition.

Well, we all know
that the body converts

Food into energy, right?

Y-you all do know
what energy is, don't you?

No.

All right, um...

Well, uh, think of the body
as a car.

That looks like a hat with eyes.

Yeah, well, it's a, a car...

An-and food is the fuel
that makes it go,

You know, like fruits
an-and vegetables.

My dad says our neighbor's
a fruit.

My mom says my grandma's
a vegetable.

Well, that's not very nice.

Uh, where was I?
Oh, right.

Uh, right, so we want
the best fuel in our car,

So we're not going to put
potato chips in it, are we?

There's a potato chip car?

No, no, no,
tha-that-that's just a metaphor.

What's a metaphor?

A metaphor is what you say

When you don't want to say
the real thing.

Why don't you want
to say the real thing?

Because this makes it easier
to understand.

I don't understand.

We don't have a potato chip car.

We have a mazda,

But there are potato chips
in the backseat.

Yeah, good, good for you, kid.

Oh, thank god.

Where the hell
have you...?

I mean, hello, linda.

Where have you been?

Sorry, I took an unexpected nap.

I think I used the wrong kind
of glue for the board.

Who's she?

Oh, well, this is
my assistant linda.

Are you going to saw her
in half?

No, no, di-different
kind of assistant.

Excuse me.
Yes.

What are the carrots
and the donuts for?

Ah, good question-- what are
the carrots and donuts for?

It's to show the difference

Between healthy
and unhealthy snacks.

Right, right, right.

So, when you kids
come home from school,

You want to eat this

And not this.

I have a question.

Linda, do you want to take...?

Yes, what is your question?

I forgot.

Why are you eating the donut
if the carrot's healthier?

I got this one.

Good question.

When you're growing

And working your way
up the pyramid,

It's important to watch
what you eat.

But when you're older and
careening down the other side,

You can be a little bit
more relaxed about the snacks.

Dr. Becker?
Yes.

What's sex?

(all giggling)

No, w-we're not,

We're not talking about that,
you know?

W-we're talking about...

Uh...

What's intercourse?

I-intercourse?

Uh...

No, all right, well, you know,
I know, I, I-I can do that.

Um, all right, you know,

Sometimes between a salad
and your entrée,

You want something else,
li-like soup.

Get it, you know, inter-course?

B-b-between...

When do people
start having sex?

Usually not before
the third date.

Linda.

My sister says
you can't get pregnant

The first time you have sex.

Yeah, well,
your sister's an idiot.

That's what my dad says.

My brother says it's okay
to have sex

If you have a balloon.

It-it's not called a balloon,
it's a...

Look, c-c-can't we just please
talk about nutrition?

When two people "do it,"
what do they do?

I heard, if you kiss
a boy, you get a baby.

No, that-that's,
that's not really true.

I heard that if you have sex
and you're not married,

You go to hell.

Where are you kids
getting this stuff?

You don't go to hell
if you have sex.

It's not a balloon.

It's called a condom,
all right?

You're not going to get a baby
just from kissing,

But you, you can get one

The first time
you have sex, so...

Wha-- yes.

Do oranges have more vitamin c

Than other fruits?

We're talking about sex now.
Get on board. Who else?

Yes.

I don't know.

I don't
know.

I don't know.

What did you do?

I don't know.

John, the phone's been ringing
off the hook.

What possessed you
to give a sex talk

To a group of little kids?

Hey, there was a lot of
stuff they didn't know.

Of course
they didn't know it--

They're eight years old.

They still have
"left" and "right"

Written on their shoes.

Since when are you
against sex education?

I'm not against it--
I just think

You should have gotten
the parents' permission.

Hey, you know, those
kids ambushed me.

They made me tell
them that stuff.

Oh, did they take
your lunch money, too?

John, you went to that school
to talk about condiments

And those kids went home
asking about condoms.

What more was
there to ask?

I told them everything.

If you didn't want
this to happen,

You shouldn't have
sent me over there.

Uh-uh, don't you
blame this on me.

I am not the one

Who gave a sex talk to kids

Using a carrot and a donut.

Hey, you know,
this was not my fault.

You know, she brought
that stuff, not me.

Hey, if I'd have known
what the topic was going to be,

I would have brought
different props.

(chuckling):
Yeah.

Well,

The principal is very upset.

Oh, now I'm in trouble
with the principal.

Yeah, does he have detention
in her office?

You both do.

The parents want to talk to you
today after school.

Oh, come on,
that's not fair.

Look, you know, I'm
not feeling that good.

Can't you write a note
and get me out of it?

Oh, sure.

To whom it may concern:

John becker is an idiot.

He never thinks
before he speaks.

Yeah, that's good.
Type that up and
send that over.

So, uh, officers...

(chuckles)

Well, it's come to my attention
that I may have sold

Some questionable magazines
to an underage kid.

Now, obviously, there's no
way I could have known that

And I swear I
won't do it again.

Although he was a
really good customer.

Well, I guess what
I'm trying to say is

That, uh, well, you guys are
doing a really great job,

And here are a couple of
candy bars on the house.

That's all right, sir,
it was an honest mistake.

There's a lotto ticket
on the bottom of this candy bar.

Is this a bribe?

Well, if you don't want it
to be a bribe, then it isn't.

Although, if you would
like it to be a bribe

And it's not good enough,
well, you know,

Maybe I could do
a little bit better.

The first one.

Okay, so I guess
you want me to...
Go away.

Okay.

So, okay, you win, you broke me.

Let's end
this little chess game.

Here it is.

One tube

Of vixen red
lipstick I stole

From woolworth's
when I was 12 years old.

I felt so guilty,
I put it in a drawer

And I haven't
taken it out since.

But if it makes you happy,
you can have it.

Ma'am, it's not...

I know-- it's not my shade,

But my hair was lighter then.

Okay, I've been out
on the street and I think

I got some information
you're going to want.

There's a guy a couple blocks
over selling pirate videos.

What'll you give me for that?

Nothing.

You do understand

That these are not videos
of pirates?

This guy's selling...

We already know about him.
Okay, what if I told you

I knew a guy who's selling
knockoff handbags on the corner?

I'd tell you to get one
for my wife.

Come on, all I got left is
a couple of jaywalkers,

A woman who didn't clean up
after her dog,

And a guy who's reproducing
major league baseball games

Without the expressed
written consent

Of major league baseball.
Would you shut up?!

Well, now you've done it.

I've had it with you freaks.

We're cops.
We're not your shrinks.

We're not your judges.
We're not your priests.

Officer, excuse me.
I'm talking here.

We don't give a rat's ass
about your miserable lives.

In fact, I've got a good mind
to arrest all of you.

You for selling porn to a minor,

You for committing the lamest
crime that I ever heard of,

And you--
well, I don't know

That you did anything wrong,
but it seems to me

That getting you off the streets
would be a public service.

Excuse me, can I...?
I said, shut up.

By the way, I know who you are.

My nephew was in that
class, and until yesterday

He didn't even know
that he had a penis.

Are you through?

Yes, what?

There's a tattooed guy
with scraggly hair out there

Loading tvs into
the back of a truck.

That's our guy.

Why didn't you say something?

I think we all learned
something very important here.

Nothing good ever comes
from telling me to shut up.

(indistinct chatter)

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies and gentlemen,

This is dr. John becker.

He's the one
you're angry with.

He's the one responsible
for all your problems.

Thank you
for the lovely introduction.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
you're not staying?

I'd love to, but I have a very
important faculty meeting.

Okay, uh...
I'm dr. Becker.

This is linda,
my assistant.

What seems
to be the problem?

Your filthy mouth!

Woman:
What the hell

Gave you the right
to talk to our kids about sex?

Yeah, I don't want
my kid hearing

About sex before
he's ready.

Based on the question
your kid asked,

Believe me, he's ready.

Did you really tell my kid
that sex is pleasurable?

Isn't it?

Not really.

My wife.

Man:
My brother-in-law
is a lawyer

And he says I can
sue you, pal.

For what, saying
the word "penis"?

You are not helping
yourself, mister.

Why did you have to use
the real words?

Now my daughter won't stop
talking about the man's...

You know, wiener,
and the woman's... Cookie.

Are you for real?

How is your kid
going to learn anything

If you can't even talk about it?

They're too young
to learn anything.

We're the ones
to teach our kids about sex.

Hey, do you have any kids?
No, I don't.

Then you have no right
to say anything.

We'll talk to our daughter about
sex when we're good and ready.

Yeah, and when is that going
to be-- when she's, like, 15

And she's coming to tell you
she's pregnant?

You can't talk to me like that.

You know what pisses me off
about you people?

I don't think
you even listen to your kids.

I could not believe
the words coming out

Of their mouths,
but I couldn't ignore it.

You want to pretend
this isn't happening?

You want to remain ignorant...

You cannot talk to us like that!

Hey, don't get mad at me
for doing your job.

Our job?
Yeah, your job.

You should've heard your kid.

(all shouting)

(whistles)

(shouting stops)

Can I say something?

Look, I work for dr. Becker

And I can tell you--
he's cranky,

He's short-tempered,

And frankly I don't think he
even likes kids that much.

(murmuring)

Linda, I don't think
this is rea...

I was here yesterday

And he did not bring up
the topic of sex--

The kids did--
but once it was out in the open,

What did you want him
to do, lie?

Listen, your kids

Can't help wondering about sex.

I mean,
it's everywhere you look.

If you ask me, you're lucky
they had dr. Becker to talk to.

When I was young,
we didn't know anything.

I mean, half the girls
in my high school

Didn't even graduate.

Because they got pregnant?

No, because they were stupid.

And those were the people
that I learned about sex from.

I mean,
I tried to ask my mom, but...

Well, she drank a lot, so maybe
she thought she did tell me.

Anyways,

You might think that your kids

Are too young
for all this stuff,

But believe me, they're just
one britney spears video away

From a whole new world.

Now, are there
any questions?

I-I've got a question.

Yes?

I-I forgot.

Are we done here?

Good.

Then I only have
one thing to say.

Penis.

Deal with it.

Why are you drawing
a hat with eyes?

I-I-it's not a hat, it's a car.

Never mind.

I-I want to say
something to you.

Yeah?

I know I get mad
at you a lot.

You know, think about it: You
come late, you leave early,

You watch tv in the storeroom
when you should be working.

Hey, in my defense...

Go on.

Well, what I,
what I'm trying to say is,

Ma-maybe sometimes I overlook
the, the good things you do.

I mean, what...
What you said earlier--

That... Really helped me out.

Are you trying to say thank you?

Yes.

You're welcome.
Yeah.

You know, I've
often thought

That you and I
are a lot alike.

Oh, oh, yeah, how?

Well, we both love
chinese food.

True.

We're both scared
of margaret.

True.

We were both upset
when phyllis dumped jack

On young and the restless.

Yeah, I still
can't get over that.

And we both admire you.

Really?

Well, at least I do.

Wow, that's...
That's very nice.

Thank you, linda.

Maybe we should, uh,
get out of here, huh?

Okay.

Can I give you a ride
or anything?

Sure, thanks.

Don't you just hate
that phyllis?

Oh, she's such a slut.

Like a baby's going
to make her happy.

A baby? Wait, I didn't hear
anything about a baby.