Batman (1966–1968): Season 1, Episode 8 - Rats Like Cheese - full transcript
Vince, a temperamental physician at a Gotham City hospital (apparently a takeoff on Ben Casey), saves Batman and Robin. The Dynamic Duo resume their pursuit of Mr. Freeze. Eventually, Batman substitutes himself for Paul Diamonte, a baseball player, Mr. Freeze has kidnapped. Robin, disobeying Batman's orders to stay away, is also captured by the villain. Now, in his headquarters, Mr. Freeze is using his climate controls so that only Batman or Robin will have access to life-giving warmth.
We have already seen
icy pavements in July.
Shivers, it must be...
Mr. Freeze strikes again.
He's after big ice cubes.
He cooled the guard.
He gave everybody the slip.
Will the real Batman
please stand up?
Curses. Foiled again.
But wait. A new clue.
A princess in distress.
The Dynamic Duo to the rescue.
Blow hot.
Blow cold.
Horrors. Frozen stiff.
But wait. The most
chilling is yet to come.
Midnight in the
super-hypertherm...
de-icefier chamber Mark 7...
of the Gotham City Hospital...
two lonely figures lie
quiet, peaceful, serene.
Instant freezing. Deadly.
Oh, if I could only get me mitts
on that dastardly Mr. Freeze.
Patience, O'Hara.
No public official elected by the
people can allow his emotions...
to overrule his dedication to duty
and carrying out the due process of law.
- Is there a chance?
- What do you want, miracles?
I'm doing the best I can, the best
I can do, and that's all I can do.
Easy now, Vince. This
has been tough on all of us.
If I can just raise their body
temperature gradually enough...
there's an outside chance. But it's
tricky, one degree, too much too soon.
It will be a long and
worrisome vigil, I fear.
Two such magnificent
specimens of manhood.
Why?
- Saints be praised!
- Look!
We interrupt our regular program
to repeat this earlier bulletin.
Batman and Robin are
alive. Repeat, are alive...
after the almost fatal and most
mysterious attack on them last night.
The Dynamic Duo were instantly
frozen by an unknown assailant...
who robbed Princess Sandra, escaping
with the famed Ghiaccio Circulo diamond.
The would-be
killer is still at large.
And now, back to Gotham City
Stadium for the ceremonies...
preceding today's game between
the Eagles and the Windy City Wildcats.
- Boss?
- Come in, Moe.
- I can't.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, how did it go?
- Operation Big Diamond accomplished.
- Good.
- Where do you want it?
- In here where I can see it, and hurry.
- And tell airplane to zoom, zoom, zoom.
- Right, boss.
Ah...
Batman, you still live,
but only for a short time.
I now have the most precious
diamond of all in my possession.
To get it back, you
must die, die, die.
Good afternoon, baseball fans.
From Bruce
Wayne's private box...
in Gotham City's new stadium.
Princess Sandra of Molino...
is getting ready to toss out the
first ball at this great charity game...
between the two deadliest
rivals in any baseball league.
It's a beautiful
day, a beautiful day.
But no more beautiful than
the lovely princess herself.
Ready?
Well, I'm sure I can't pitch
like your great Paul Diamante...
but, well, I do
have a few curves.
Play ball.
Oh, I'm so excited. And part
of it is seeing you again, Bruce.
Oh, I'm just sorry the circumstances
couldn't have been more favorable.
Losing the Ghiaccio
Circulo diamond last night.
Oh, that. Well, just be
thankful that my servant...
and those two simply magnificent creatures,
Batman and Robin, are still alive.
I'd give anything to
meet them someday.
- Socially, of course.
- Perhaps you may, someday.
I'm dying to watch
Paul Diamante pitch.
- Is he really as good as they say?
- Better. Like real cool, ma'am.
I mean, Your Royal Highness.
Attention, your
attention please.
Change in the lineup.
Pitcher for the Gotham
City Eagles, number 77.
Kenny Allen for Paul Diamante.
Apparently, Paul Diamante is...
Well, we're not
sure what happened.
I don't understand.
I'm beginning to.
Diamante means
"diamond" in Spanish.
- Mr. Freeze.
- But I thought Batman was out of danger.
What does this mean?
If you'll excuse us, princess. I'd
forgotten that we have a meeting...
at the Bruce Wayne Foundation
scheduled for this afternoon.
Can't miss a board meeting.
Well, I never...
Our only clue.
According to
Diamante's landlady...
these three rather disreputable men
visited Diamante's apartment this morning.
And when she went up later to clean
the apartment, no Diamante, only this note.
"You will soon hear
my terms." That's all?
- And this.
- Mr. Freeze, who else?
Afraid you're right.
Commissioner Gordon speaking.
Ha, ha, ha! Commissioner,
you still there?
We're all here listening.
- Chief O'Hara, Batman, Robin.
- Batman, perfect. Absolutely perfect.
You are there and I am here with your most
precious diamond from the baseball diamond.
Clever, yeah? Diamond
from the diamond.
- Speak to them.
- This is Paul Diamante.
This kooky character has me
holed up out here in the wildest pad.
- Where Paul, where?
- Who knows where?
Some creeps chloroformed me
this morning, brought me here.
- Mr. Freeze.
- Yeah?
How much do you want
for Diamante's release?
How much I want?
Nothing. Not one single
mark... I mean red cent.
- No money. None.
- Then what?
Simple, very simple.
I will trade even one
baseball pitcher...
for one Batman.
Absolutely out of the question.
As protector of our city, I cannot allow you
to deliberately jeopardize your very life.
- Over my dead body you'll go.
- Sorry.
Diamante is the idol of millions
of impressionable young lads...
who look up to him.
He must live to inspire the youth of
today who will be the men of tomorrow.
I accept your terms. Where
and when do we meet?
- Alone?
- Alone.
You may speak freely.
No one's listening in.
I'll be there.
Robin, this is one time
I'll have to go it alone.
I gave my word.
A hot flash for the
chilly Mr. Freeze.
Will Robin just stand by?
If Mohammed won't come to
the mountain, Master Dick...
the mountain must come to
Mohammed. Time for afternoon tea.
Holy interruptions.
Who has time for afternoon
tea at a time like this?
Wellington did.
Even at Waterloo.
Well, I suppose a little
extra energy wouldn't hurt.
- Where's Mr. Bruce?
- There.
What?
- I secretly planted a homing device on him.
- Secretly? Master Dick.
Am I to understand that you've
been shadowing the master...
- without his knowledge or approval?
- Holy Sherlock Homes.
How can I help him if I
don't know where he is?
- He's in danger, then?
- Plenty.
- Where?
- There.
Right in the middle of nowhere.
- You okay, Paul? Take it easy.
- I think so. Batman?
Take it easy.
I'm prepared to fulfill my part of
the bargain. Do with me what you will!
- Mr. Diamante, you A-okay?
- What happened?
- Robin, The Boy Wonder.
- Take it easy. They've got Batman.
I've been following them. I secretly
planted a homing device on him.
Watch that pitching arm.
Later, in the super-refrigerated
hideout of Mr. Freeze...
Batman is gradually recovering after
the cowardly attack behind his back.
- My utility belt.
- Is this what you are looking for?
Very ingenious,
this utility belt.
Batrope, Batarang, explosives,
gas pellets and other things...
such imagination.
A most useful thing to have
when you have it. Ha, ha.
If I were you, Batman, I would not try
to move from your nice, heated area.
It is not only foolish to go from a
nice, warm 76 degrees temperature...
to a 50 degree below zero temperature,
it is also very dangerous to the system.
You see?
Even through your glove, the cold
air penetrates like a thousand needles.
Am I not right? I am right.
You're right, you
cold fish. What next?
That depends. It depends.
Ultimately, of course, you will die.
But how, when,
where, mercilessly fast...
or agonizingly slow, depends.
- Depends on what?
- On you.
- Me?
- And me.
On, uh, how you act and how
I feel when the time comes.
It depends.
Heh, you fool. You fool. I warned you
against sudden changes in temperature.
The air is freezing
your lungs, yeah?
Cold, frigid, frosty air freezing
your lungs solid like icicles.
Now you know how I feel when the air is warm
and I cannot breathe like you cannot now.
You are freezing, yeah?
If I choose, I can make you
freeze to death, but not yet. Not yet.
You must not die too easily.
Now...
press a button...
nice, warm 76
degrees temperature.
With this, I control
your every move.
I can decide where you can
go and where you cannot go.
Now, you follow nice
hot path to dining room.
Did I forget to mention that we
have another guest for dinner...
somebody who just
decided to drop in?
Come, come, you two.
You scarcely said two words
to each other the whole meal.
What's the matter, you
don't like the roast beef?
Oh, I know. It's the spinach.
Let the boy go. He's
never done you harm.
His only crime was disobeying
my order not to follow me...
by planting that
homing device on me.
You have my deepest
sympathy, Batman.
Unfortunately, the boy now knows
this hideout, so, what can I do?
Ah!
Baked Alaska,
my favorite dessert.
We will have with it some
of this very special liqueur...
chilled ever so slightly.
Ten seconds in my
hands, cools it properly...
30 seconds for champagne, and one
minute for martini, nice and cold, yeah.
- None for me, thank you.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you do not drink.
Then have your baked Alaska.
You know, in some
ways, I'm so sorry...
that I have to destroy such
charming people. It is a great pity.
Mr. Freeze, give yourself up.
We can get help for
you. Medical help.
In prison? Heh.
This I do not believe. No. You
must pay for what you did to me...
for forcing me to live like this, never again
to know the warmth of a summer breeze...
never to feel the heat of
burning logs in wintertime.
Revenge, that is what I need.
Revenge! I will have revenge!
Now!
Batman, the cold!
- Sorry. Slipped on the baked Alaska.
- You tried.
That's the true measure of a
man, whether you win or lose, to try.
And now, you will
know what it feels like...
to freeze to death, slowly.
Slowly.
Slowly.
Heh, heh. Charming, isn't it?
Very charming. Now I press the
button and there's only room for one.
- Stay.
- No, Batman.
That's an order, boy.
This is fun.
Now Robin will be able
to watch you die first.
Batman.
In a few seconds, you will
not be able to move at all.
Now, tell me, Batman,
how does it feel?
How does it feel
to freeze to death?
Oof!
Right on the button.
Turnabout is fair play.
You didn't know I was wearing...
my special super-thermal B
long underwear for extreme cold.
You mean, you
pretended to freeze?
It'll be a colder day than 50 below
zero before you beat Batman, Mr. Freeze.
Help me! Help me!
Freeze him an area jail-cell size. That
should hold him until we get to the cooler.
Batman!
Up. Up, up.
Your guns, drop them!
No, no, wait, wait!
Back to the cooler,
Dr. Schimmel.
Now, gentlemen.
Two against three.
I'd say the odds are even.
Ah! This is crazy.
What took you so long?
I phoned you before I came
in here over an hour ago.
Well, we took a wrong
turn off of Route 49.
- Say cheese.
- Oh, get hip. Not "cheese."
"Mr. Freeze."
All right, one more, one
more. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
- Well, it's awfully nice of you to come.
- Thank you, madame. What a great honor.
Bruce! Oh, you
old stick in the mud.
Off to a silly board meeting in
the middle of a baseball game.
How could you? Heh.
Work before pleasure, princess.
- How do you feel after your ordeal, Paul?
- Great. Feel like pitching tomorrow.
We can sure use you, especially
against those Motor City Wheels.
Oh, I wish Batman and
Robin could've been here.
I would love to have thanked
them personally for this and for this...
on behalf of all the loyal
Gotham City fans, of course.
Oh, there you are, boys.
You're just in time for the dessert.
Gabrielle, bring it in.
Baked Alaska.
Next week, Batman
versus Zelda the Great.
icy pavements in July.
Shivers, it must be...
Mr. Freeze strikes again.
He's after big ice cubes.
He cooled the guard.
He gave everybody the slip.
Will the real Batman
please stand up?
Curses. Foiled again.
But wait. A new clue.
A princess in distress.
The Dynamic Duo to the rescue.
Blow hot.
Blow cold.
Horrors. Frozen stiff.
But wait. The most
chilling is yet to come.
Midnight in the
super-hypertherm...
de-icefier chamber Mark 7...
of the Gotham City Hospital...
two lonely figures lie
quiet, peaceful, serene.
Instant freezing. Deadly.
Oh, if I could only get me mitts
on that dastardly Mr. Freeze.
Patience, O'Hara.
No public official elected by the
people can allow his emotions...
to overrule his dedication to duty
and carrying out the due process of law.
- Is there a chance?
- What do you want, miracles?
I'm doing the best I can, the best
I can do, and that's all I can do.
Easy now, Vince. This
has been tough on all of us.
If I can just raise their body
temperature gradually enough...
there's an outside chance. But it's
tricky, one degree, too much too soon.
It will be a long and
worrisome vigil, I fear.
Two such magnificent
specimens of manhood.
Why?
- Saints be praised!
- Look!
We interrupt our regular program
to repeat this earlier bulletin.
Batman and Robin are
alive. Repeat, are alive...
after the almost fatal and most
mysterious attack on them last night.
The Dynamic Duo were instantly
frozen by an unknown assailant...
who robbed Princess Sandra, escaping
with the famed Ghiaccio Circulo diamond.
The would-be
killer is still at large.
And now, back to Gotham City
Stadium for the ceremonies...
preceding today's game between
the Eagles and the Windy City Wildcats.
- Boss?
- Come in, Moe.
- I can't.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, how did it go?
- Operation Big Diamond accomplished.
- Good.
- Where do you want it?
- In here where I can see it, and hurry.
- And tell airplane to zoom, zoom, zoom.
- Right, boss.
Ah...
Batman, you still live,
but only for a short time.
I now have the most precious
diamond of all in my possession.
To get it back, you
must die, die, die.
Good afternoon, baseball fans.
From Bruce
Wayne's private box...
in Gotham City's new stadium.
Princess Sandra of Molino...
is getting ready to toss out the
first ball at this great charity game...
between the two deadliest
rivals in any baseball league.
It's a beautiful
day, a beautiful day.
But no more beautiful than
the lovely princess herself.
Ready?
Well, I'm sure I can't pitch
like your great Paul Diamante...
but, well, I do
have a few curves.
Play ball.
Oh, I'm so excited. And part
of it is seeing you again, Bruce.
Oh, I'm just sorry the circumstances
couldn't have been more favorable.
Losing the Ghiaccio
Circulo diamond last night.
Oh, that. Well, just be
thankful that my servant...
and those two simply magnificent creatures,
Batman and Robin, are still alive.
I'd give anything to
meet them someday.
- Socially, of course.
- Perhaps you may, someday.
I'm dying to watch
Paul Diamante pitch.
- Is he really as good as they say?
- Better. Like real cool, ma'am.
I mean, Your Royal Highness.
Attention, your
attention please.
Change in the lineup.
Pitcher for the Gotham
City Eagles, number 77.
Kenny Allen for Paul Diamante.
Apparently, Paul Diamante is...
Well, we're not
sure what happened.
I don't understand.
I'm beginning to.
Diamante means
"diamond" in Spanish.
- Mr. Freeze.
- But I thought Batman was out of danger.
What does this mean?
If you'll excuse us, princess. I'd
forgotten that we have a meeting...
at the Bruce Wayne Foundation
scheduled for this afternoon.
Can't miss a board meeting.
Well, I never...
Our only clue.
According to
Diamante's landlady...
these three rather disreputable men
visited Diamante's apartment this morning.
And when she went up later to clean
the apartment, no Diamante, only this note.
"You will soon hear
my terms." That's all?
- And this.
- Mr. Freeze, who else?
Afraid you're right.
Commissioner Gordon speaking.
Ha, ha, ha! Commissioner,
you still there?
We're all here listening.
- Chief O'Hara, Batman, Robin.
- Batman, perfect. Absolutely perfect.
You are there and I am here with your most
precious diamond from the baseball diamond.
Clever, yeah? Diamond
from the diamond.
- Speak to them.
- This is Paul Diamante.
This kooky character has me
holed up out here in the wildest pad.
- Where Paul, where?
- Who knows where?
Some creeps chloroformed me
this morning, brought me here.
- Mr. Freeze.
- Yeah?
How much do you want
for Diamante's release?
How much I want?
Nothing. Not one single
mark... I mean red cent.
- No money. None.
- Then what?
Simple, very simple.
I will trade even one
baseball pitcher...
for one Batman.
Absolutely out of the question.
As protector of our city, I cannot allow you
to deliberately jeopardize your very life.
- Over my dead body you'll go.
- Sorry.
Diamante is the idol of millions
of impressionable young lads...
who look up to him.
He must live to inspire the youth of
today who will be the men of tomorrow.
I accept your terms. Where
and when do we meet?
- Alone?
- Alone.
You may speak freely.
No one's listening in.
I'll be there.
Robin, this is one time
I'll have to go it alone.
I gave my word.
A hot flash for the
chilly Mr. Freeze.
Will Robin just stand by?
If Mohammed won't come to
the mountain, Master Dick...
the mountain must come to
Mohammed. Time for afternoon tea.
Holy interruptions.
Who has time for afternoon
tea at a time like this?
Wellington did.
Even at Waterloo.
Well, I suppose a little
extra energy wouldn't hurt.
- Where's Mr. Bruce?
- There.
What?
- I secretly planted a homing device on him.
- Secretly? Master Dick.
Am I to understand that you've
been shadowing the master...
- without his knowledge or approval?
- Holy Sherlock Homes.
How can I help him if I
don't know where he is?
- He's in danger, then?
- Plenty.
- Where?
- There.
Right in the middle of nowhere.
- You okay, Paul? Take it easy.
- I think so. Batman?
Take it easy.
I'm prepared to fulfill my part of
the bargain. Do with me what you will!
- Mr. Diamante, you A-okay?
- What happened?
- Robin, The Boy Wonder.
- Take it easy. They've got Batman.
I've been following them. I secretly
planted a homing device on him.
Watch that pitching arm.
Later, in the super-refrigerated
hideout of Mr. Freeze...
Batman is gradually recovering after
the cowardly attack behind his back.
- My utility belt.
- Is this what you are looking for?
Very ingenious,
this utility belt.
Batrope, Batarang, explosives,
gas pellets and other things...
such imagination.
A most useful thing to have
when you have it. Ha, ha.
If I were you, Batman, I would not try
to move from your nice, heated area.
It is not only foolish to go from a
nice, warm 76 degrees temperature...
to a 50 degree below zero temperature,
it is also very dangerous to the system.
You see?
Even through your glove, the cold
air penetrates like a thousand needles.
Am I not right? I am right.
You're right, you
cold fish. What next?
That depends. It depends.
Ultimately, of course, you will die.
But how, when,
where, mercilessly fast...
or agonizingly slow, depends.
- Depends on what?
- On you.
- Me?
- And me.
On, uh, how you act and how
I feel when the time comes.
It depends.
Heh, you fool. You fool. I warned you
against sudden changes in temperature.
The air is freezing
your lungs, yeah?
Cold, frigid, frosty air freezing
your lungs solid like icicles.
Now you know how I feel when the air is warm
and I cannot breathe like you cannot now.
You are freezing, yeah?
If I choose, I can make you
freeze to death, but not yet. Not yet.
You must not die too easily.
Now...
press a button...
nice, warm 76
degrees temperature.
With this, I control
your every move.
I can decide where you can
go and where you cannot go.
Now, you follow nice
hot path to dining room.
Did I forget to mention that we
have another guest for dinner...
somebody who just
decided to drop in?
Come, come, you two.
You scarcely said two words
to each other the whole meal.
What's the matter, you
don't like the roast beef?
Oh, I know. It's the spinach.
Let the boy go. He's
never done you harm.
His only crime was disobeying
my order not to follow me...
by planting that
homing device on me.
You have my deepest
sympathy, Batman.
Unfortunately, the boy now knows
this hideout, so, what can I do?
Ah!
Baked Alaska,
my favorite dessert.
We will have with it some
of this very special liqueur...
chilled ever so slightly.
Ten seconds in my
hands, cools it properly...
30 seconds for champagne, and one
minute for martini, nice and cold, yeah.
- None for me, thank you.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you do not drink.
Then have your baked Alaska.
You know, in some
ways, I'm so sorry...
that I have to destroy such
charming people. It is a great pity.
Mr. Freeze, give yourself up.
We can get help for
you. Medical help.
In prison? Heh.
This I do not believe. No. You
must pay for what you did to me...
for forcing me to live like this, never again
to know the warmth of a summer breeze...
never to feel the heat of
burning logs in wintertime.
Revenge, that is what I need.
Revenge! I will have revenge!
Now!
Batman, the cold!
- Sorry. Slipped on the baked Alaska.
- You tried.
That's the true measure of a
man, whether you win or lose, to try.
And now, you will
know what it feels like...
to freeze to death, slowly.
Slowly.
Slowly.
Heh, heh. Charming, isn't it?
Very charming. Now I press the
button and there's only room for one.
- Stay.
- No, Batman.
That's an order, boy.
This is fun.
Now Robin will be able
to watch you die first.
Batman.
In a few seconds, you will
not be able to move at all.
Now, tell me, Batman,
how does it feel?
How does it feel
to freeze to death?
Oof!
Right on the button.
Turnabout is fair play.
You didn't know I was wearing...
my special super-thermal B
long underwear for extreme cold.
You mean, you
pretended to freeze?
It'll be a colder day than 50 below
zero before you beat Batman, Mr. Freeze.
Help me! Help me!
Freeze him an area jail-cell size. That
should hold him until we get to the cooler.
Batman!
Up. Up, up.
Your guns, drop them!
No, no, wait, wait!
Back to the cooler,
Dr. Schimmel.
Now, gentlemen.
Two against three.
I'd say the odds are even.
Ah! This is crazy.
What took you so long?
I phoned you before I came
in here over an hour ago.
Well, we took a wrong
turn off of Route 49.
- Say cheese.
- Oh, get hip. Not "cheese."
"Mr. Freeze."
All right, one more, one
more. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
- Well, it's awfully nice of you to come.
- Thank you, madame. What a great honor.
Bruce! Oh, you
old stick in the mud.
Off to a silly board meeting in
the middle of a baseball game.
How could you? Heh.
Work before pleasure, princess.
- How do you feel after your ordeal, Paul?
- Great. Feel like pitching tomorrow.
We can sure use you, especially
against those Motor City Wheels.
Oh, I wish Batman and
Robin could've been here.
I would love to have thanked
them personally for this and for this...
on behalf of all the loyal
Gotham City fans, of course.
Oh, there you are, boys.
You're just in time for the dessert.
Gabrielle, bring it in.
Baked Alaska.
Next week, Batman
versus Zelda the Great.