Batman (1966–1968): Season 1, Episode 31 - Death in Slow Motion - full transcript
The Riddler is back, and is pursuing a silent movie theme with his latest scheme.
A small theater inside Washington Center,
Gotham City's new palace of the arts.
Wednesday afternoon, the Silent
Film Festival draws to its close.
This title is incorrect. It is
not the end, but the beginning.
The cue for one of the
most baffling crime waves...
ever to confront
the Dynamic Duo.
Good afternoon, Mr. Van Jones.
- Ah, how do you do?
- On behalf of the committee...
I wanna thank you for loaning us
these rare films from your collection.
My pleasure, sir.
Always delighted to do my bit
for the lost art of the silent film.
What the devil is this?
Where did you come from?
Well, I'm afraid you're
not allowed in here.
Sorry, it's against the...
Your idea, Mr. Van Jones?
Certainly not.
I've spent a fortune
collecting prints of old movies...
but I'm hardly impressed
by an amateur group...
who takes all the
attention away from them.
Good day, sir.
- Riddler.
- Correct, Chief O'Hara.
The prince of puzzlers, that
master of criminal conundrums.
Our hopes for his reform
have been blasted once again.
Let's hope our unknown
friend behind the mask is home.
Yes, commissioner?
We'll be right there.
- What is it, Bruce?
- The Riddler.
Holy triple feature, will
that crook ever learn?
That's a good question. While
we ponder it, to the Batpoles.
Excuse me.
"Why is a musician's
bandstand like an oven?"
Hmm.
The manager found that
at the scene of the crime.
Right, Batman.
I just can't figure it out.
All that thieving devil got
for his trouble was 200 bucks.
- Make anything out of that riddle, Robin?
- I think I do.
- It depends on digging musicians' slang.
- What do you mean, Boy Wonder?
Why is a musician's
bandstand like an oven?
- Because that's where he makes his bread.
- That's it, of course.
- Makes bread?
- Precisely, Chief O'Hara.
Bread, in the musician's
vernacular, means money.
- Astonishing. But where can this clue point?
- To an oven.
- A bakery.
- Sure.
Mother Gotham's Bakery,
the biggest one in the city.
I'll bet you a dollar the
Riddler is after a fat roll.
The Riddler?
After a roll?
Yes, commissioner, a fat and
tasty roll. Mother Gotham's payroll.
Come on, Robin,
let's race there fast.
Camera loaded, C.B.?
Ready to roll, Riddler, baby.
Set it up.
Remember, everybody, stay
in the range of C.B.'s camera.
Mr. Van Jones has
commissioned me...
to make him the greatest silent film
since the days of immortal Charlie.
Oh, I hope his budget is big enough
to take care of us all, eh, Riddler?
Silence, Von Bloheim.
As I've tried to tell you, our
silent film is merely a diversion...
a clever ploy essential
to our real crime.
Ah. You mean
heisting the payroll.
I do not... I do not...
Petty cash this payroll, a red
herring for the Dynamic Duo.
- Wolf, ready with the pies?
- Ready.
C.B., ready with the camera?
Pauline, prepare.
Do your stuff.
Oh, please, sir, please,
you must help me.
- Help you?
- Oh, yes.
I must have some bread to
save my poor starving mother.
Oh, I'm sorry, we don't
sell bread back here.
It doesn't matter, for I have no money
with which to buy, therefore I must beg.
Oh, charity, kind sir, charity.
Well...
I've had to sell
everything I own.
All except this
torn, tattered shawl.
- Take it if you must.
- Oh, no.
- No. I mean...
- No, I insist.
- Hold it.
- What's wrong?
- You can't come in here.
- Why? We have pies to deliver.
Take those pies to Shipping,
at the other end of the plant.
But these are special pies.
Whipped sleeping cream and nuts.
Whipped sleeping cream and nuts?
Nuts to you.
Von Bloheim, the
explosive éclair.
Quickly. Quickly.
Back to the truck for
a new camera setup.
I'll be with you as soon as
I've decorated this place a bit.
How'd it go, fellas?
Oh, wunderbar, my sweet.
Winning the Oscar without a doubt.
Inside. Inside. Here, Miss
Pauline, into the front with me.
Aim your camera through the slots, C.B.
Our stars should arrive any moment now.
Ready when you are, Riddler,
baby. Hey, here they come now.
Action. Action.
No sign of crime here, Batman.
Looks like business as usual.
We could have been
deceived by that tricky clue.
On the other hand...
Let's race inside and take
a look at that payroll office.
Got it all, Riddler, baby.
Good. Hold tight, everybody,
on to the next location.
Mother Gotham
never baked this pie.
It's topped with sleeping cream.
We're too late. Look
at that blown safe.
Look at that wall.
"Batman, as one
baker to another...
how do you make a
dishonest shortcake?"
Dishonest shortcake?
- There's strawberry shortcake.
- And blueberry shortcake.
A dishonest shortcake.
I've got it, a "lie berry." That
would make it a dishonest shortcake.
Right, Robin, "lie berry", clearly a
corrupted version of the word "library."
As one baker to another.
Hey, isn't there a branch
library on Baker Street?
Of course, Robin. Aunt Harriet goes there
all the time. We haven't a moment to lose.
Let's race to the Batmobile.
Gotham City Library,
Baker Street branch.
Right again, Dynamic Duo.
Be careful.
- Roll them, C.B.
- Rolling.
Look at that crumb.
- Right in a no-parking zone.
- He's within his rights. Observe.
Diplomatic plates. The
horde of diplomats in our city...
is a small price to pay
for world leadership.
Now, let's check
out that library.
"Baker Street branch closed on
Wednesdays because of lack of funds"?
Shocking. Shocking.
Looks like this lock has
been tampered with, Batman.
You're right.
We'll use the Bat-key.
- Cut.
- Cut.
Quickly before the
deadly duo awake.
Back to our screening room
to see how this crime develops.
Ugh. Holy headache, what hit us?
A clever booby trap.
Bashed on the head
by this weighty tome.
"A Pictorial History
of Silent Films"?
Curious.
It's the same theme that's run
through this entire caper from the outset.
Look, Batman.
Two more riddles on the flyleaf.
Tough ones too. Let's
race back to the Batcave.
This needs more research.
Meanwhile, in the abandoned cutting
room of a bankrupt movie studio...
the new secret headquarters of the
Riddler and his felonious filmsters.
So this rough cut is ready.
Roll them, Von
Bloheim, roll them.
First the sequence in
Mother Gotham's Bakery.
Wow, what a gasser.
Our stars. Our unwitting stars,
Von Bloheim, where are they?
Oh, just a moment.
They make their appearance
in the picture... now.
Action.
Now comes the topper.
Watch these costumed
clowns dance to my tune.
We have an even more
dazzling one to film.
My tricky brew...
all ready for the fatal party.
Are you sure Batman and
Robin will be there, Riddler, baby?
Of course they'll be there.
In the flyleaf of that book, I left
them the clearest clues conceivable.
"Riddle number one: what do you find
in a kitchen cabinet that is not alive?"
I should hope, sir...
that in the cabinet of a properly-run
kitchen, one would find nothing alive.
Alfred's right, Batman.
In a clean kitchen cabinet,
everything should be dead.
Dead knives, dead
forks, dead spoons...
- Dead pots, dead pans. Dead pans!
- Dead pans!
Beg pardon, sir?
Don't you see? It fits right in
with the criminal theme, deadpans.
Like those comics used to use in the
old silent films. Deadpan expressions.
Riddler's telling us his next one is
gonna be a straight deadpan caper.
Yes. Most ingenious.
Now, let's supply our
brainpower to riddle number two.
"When is a new car
considered to be seedy?"
Holy kindergarten.
That's almost too easy.
- A new car's seedy when it's a lemon.
- Right.
You don't fancy, sir, that
this famous desperado...
intends to stoop to the
robbery of a lemonade stand?
You've hit it. It
fits like my glove.
What, Batman?
Mr. Van Jones is a famous
collector of deadpan silent films.
He's also a noted
temperance leader...
and he's invited Bruce Wayne
to a party this afternoon...
- at which nothing will be served but lemonade.
- Wow!
Will Mr. Wayne attend, sir?
Send his regrets, Alfred.
He will not, but Batman will.
Come on, Robin. We may still
have time despite Riddler's punch.
Watch what this liquid does
when it is introduced into the drinks.
You will see a
temperance party...
shortened into a temper pot.
Alas, too late.
For even as the Dynamic Duo speeds toward
the residence of millionaire Van Jones...
someone else is in
Van Jones' pantry first...
spiking the punch.
That should bring out the temper
in these temperance fellows.
- Got the camera handy, C.B.?
- Where I can grab it in a jiffy.
Happy shooting.
Enjoy the comedy to come.
There we are.
They're very good.
Maury Wills is better
than Honus Wagner?
Fifty times better.
You're an ignorant oaf, Chief O'Hara. I
wonder why I keep you in my department.
Oh, your royal highness, often
I've wondered why I don't resign.
Oops.
You clumsy brute.
Did you bump into me on purpose?
I'm sorry. Terribly.
I didn't think Batman was on
your guest list, Mr. Van Jones.
Considering these
louts who were, dearie...
I'd say that's
entirely in his favor.
Pretty sour lemonade, Van Jones.
If you don't like it, lump it.
Personally, I think
it's unusually sweet.
The boors a man in my
position has to tolerate.
Ha. Is it worth it? No.
Batman to Batmobile.
All quiet here, Batman.
Any sign of the Riddler?
Not a trace, Robin.
But there's something
strange going on here.
Everyone seems to be in the
most incredibly bad temper.
- It's pink.
- In fact...
Say that once again, stupid.
Your dress is pink, colorblind.
I'll call you back.
Get him in the solar plexus!
Oh, sir. Sir, please
help me, please.
What's the matter?
A horrible man dressed in green
tights just leapt out of the bushes...
and seized my little brother.
- What? Dressed in green?
- Yes.
And he shouted
the strangest thing.
He said, "A clue",
he shouted at me...
and, "When is a
bonnet not a bonnet?"
The Riddler.
And that clue's a snap.
A bonnet is not a bonnet when
it becomes a young woman.
Oh, how clever you are.
Citizens, stop it!
Stop it!
Stop this!
Have you all lost your senses?
The Batman spots us.
Batman to Robin.
Batman calling Robin.
Do you read me, Robin? Robin?
Riddle me this,
my criminal crew.
When does the Boy
Wonder rhyme with "bubble"?
When he's in trouble.
Wrong.
When he's double.
Split in two halves...
right down the middle.
Camera ready to roll, C.B.?
Rolling, Riddler, baby.
How would you like your
sideburns, Boy Wonder?
Long or short?
Batman will get
you for this, Riddler!
But will he get you?
I believe you said
he'd be here in no time.
Question, is no time in time?
Gotham City's new palace of the arts.
Wednesday afternoon, the Silent
Film Festival draws to its close.
This title is incorrect. It is
not the end, but the beginning.
The cue for one of the
most baffling crime waves...
ever to confront
the Dynamic Duo.
Good afternoon, Mr. Van Jones.
- Ah, how do you do?
- On behalf of the committee...
I wanna thank you for loaning us
these rare films from your collection.
My pleasure, sir.
Always delighted to do my bit
for the lost art of the silent film.
What the devil is this?
Where did you come from?
Well, I'm afraid you're
not allowed in here.
Sorry, it's against the...
Your idea, Mr. Van Jones?
Certainly not.
I've spent a fortune
collecting prints of old movies...
but I'm hardly impressed
by an amateur group...
who takes all the
attention away from them.
Good day, sir.
- Riddler.
- Correct, Chief O'Hara.
The prince of puzzlers, that
master of criminal conundrums.
Our hopes for his reform
have been blasted once again.
Let's hope our unknown
friend behind the mask is home.
Yes, commissioner?
We'll be right there.
- What is it, Bruce?
- The Riddler.
Holy triple feature, will
that crook ever learn?
That's a good question. While
we ponder it, to the Batpoles.
Excuse me.
"Why is a musician's
bandstand like an oven?"
Hmm.
The manager found that
at the scene of the crime.
Right, Batman.
I just can't figure it out.
All that thieving devil got
for his trouble was 200 bucks.
- Make anything out of that riddle, Robin?
- I think I do.
- It depends on digging musicians' slang.
- What do you mean, Boy Wonder?
Why is a musician's
bandstand like an oven?
- Because that's where he makes his bread.
- That's it, of course.
- Makes bread?
- Precisely, Chief O'Hara.
Bread, in the musician's
vernacular, means money.
- Astonishing. But where can this clue point?
- To an oven.
- A bakery.
- Sure.
Mother Gotham's Bakery,
the biggest one in the city.
I'll bet you a dollar the
Riddler is after a fat roll.
The Riddler?
After a roll?
Yes, commissioner, a fat and
tasty roll. Mother Gotham's payroll.
Come on, Robin,
let's race there fast.
Camera loaded, C.B.?
Ready to roll, Riddler, baby.
Set it up.
Remember, everybody, stay
in the range of C.B.'s camera.
Mr. Van Jones has
commissioned me...
to make him the greatest silent film
since the days of immortal Charlie.
Oh, I hope his budget is big enough
to take care of us all, eh, Riddler?
Silence, Von Bloheim.
As I've tried to tell you, our
silent film is merely a diversion...
a clever ploy essential
to our real crime.
Ah. You mean
heisting the payroll.
I do not... I do not...
Petty cash this payroll, a red
herring for the Dynamic Duo.
- Wolf, ready with the pies?
- Ready.
C.B., ready with the camera?
Pauline, prepare.
Do your stuff.
Oh, please, sir, please,
you must help me.
- Help you?
- Oh, yes.
I must have some bread to
save my poor starving mother.
Oh, I'm sorry, we don't
sell bread back here.
It doesn't matter, for I have no money
with which to buy, therefore I must beg.
Oh, charity, kind sir, charity.
Well...
I've had to sell
everything I own.
All except this
torn, tattered shawl.
- Take it if you must.
- Oh, no.
- No. I mean...
- No, I insist.
- Hold it.
- What's wrong?
- You can't come in here.
- Why? We have pies to deliver.
Take those pies to Shipping,
at the other end of the plant.
But these are special pies.
Whipped sleeping cream and nuts.
Whipped sleeping cream and nuts?
Nuts to you.
Von Bloheim, the
explosive éclair.
Quickly. Quickly.
Back to the truck for
a new camera setup.
I'll be with you as soon as
I've decorated this place a bit.
How'd it go, fellas?
Oh, wunderbar, my sweet.
Winning the Oscar without a doubt.
Inside. Inside. Here, Miss
Pauline, into the front with me.
Aim your camera through the slots, C.B.
Our stars should arrive any moment now.
Ready when you are, Riddler,
baby. Hey, here they come now.
Action. Action.
No sign of crime here, Batman.
Looks like business as usual.
We could have been
deceived by that tricky clue.
On the other hand...
Let's race inside and take
a look at that payroll office.
Got it all, Riddler, baby.
Good. Hold tight, everybody,
on to the next location.
Mother Gotham
never baked this pie.
It's topped with sleeping cream.
We're too late. Look
at that blown safe.
Look at that wall.
"Batman, as one
baker to another...
how do you make a
dishonest shortcake?"
Dishonest shortcake?
- There's strawberry shortcake.
- And blueberry shortcake.
A dishonest shortcake.
I've got it, a "lie berry." That
would make it a dishonest shortcake.
Right, Robin, "lie berry", clearly a
corrupted version of the word "library."
As one baker to another.
Hey, isn't there a branch
library on Baker Street?
Of course, Robin. Aunt Harriet goes there
all the time. We haven't a moment to lose.
Let's race to the Batmobile.
Gotham City Library,
Baker Street branch.
Right again, Dynamic Duo.
Be careful.
- Roll them, C.B.
- Rolling.
Look at that crumb.
- Right in a no-parking zone.
- He's within his rights. Observe.
Diplomatic plates. The
horde of diplomats in our city...
is a small price to pay
for world leadership.
Now, let's check
out that library.
"Baker Street branch closed on
Wednesdays because of lack of funds"?
Shocking. Shocking.
Looks like this lock has
been tampered with, Batman.
You're right.
We'll use the Bat-key.
- Cut.
- Cut.
Quickly before the
deadly duo awake.
Back to our screening room
to see how this crime develops.
Ugh. Holy headache, what hit us?
A clever booby trap.
Bashed on the head
by this weighty tome.
"A Pictorial History
of Silent Films"?
Curious.
It's the same theme that's run
through this entire caper from the outset.
Look, Batman.
Two more riddles on the flyleaf.
Tough ones too. Let's
race back to the Batcave.
This needs more research.
Meanwhile, in the abandoned cutting
room of a bankrupt movie studio...
the new secret headquarters of the
Riddler and his felonious filmsters.
So this rough cut is ready.
Roll them, Von
Bloheim, roll them.
First the sequence in
Mother Gotham's Bakery.
Wow, what a gasser.
Our stars. Our unwitting stars,
Von Bloheim, where are they?
Oh, just a moment.
They make their appearance
in the picture... now.
Action.
Now comes the topper.
Watch these costumed
clowns dance to my tune.
We have an even more
dazzling one to film.
My tricky brew...
all ready for the fatal party.
Are you sure Batman and
Robin will be there, Riddler, baby?
Of course they'll be there.
In the flyleaf of that book, I left
them the clearest clues conceivable.
"Riddle number one: what do you find
in a kitchen cabinet that is not alive?"
I should hope, sir...
that in the cabinet of a properly-run
kitchen, one would find nothing alive.
Alfred's right, Batman.
In a clean kitchen cabinet,
everything should be dead.
Dead knives, dead
forks, dead spoons...
- Dead pots, dead pans. Dead pans!
- Dead pans!
Beg pardon, sir?
Don't you see? It fits right in
with the criminal theme, deadpans.
Like those comics used to use in the
old silent films. Deadpan expressions.
Riddler's telling us his next one is
gonna be a straight deadpan caper.
Yes. Most ingenious.
Now, let's supply our
brainpower to riddle number two.
"When is a new car
considered to be seedy?"
Holy kindergarten.
That's almost too easy.
- A new car's seedy when it's a lemon.
- Right.
You don't fancy, sir, that
this famous desperado...
intends to stoop to the
robbery of a lemonade stand?
You've hit it. It
fits like my glove.
What, Batman?
Mr. Van Jones is a famous
collector of deadpan silent films.
He's also a noted
temperance leader...
and he's invited Bruce Wayne
to a party this afternoon...
- at which nothing will be served but lemonade.
- Wow!
Will Mr. Wayne attend, sir?
Send his regrets, Alfred.
He will not, but Batman will.
Come on, Robin. We may still
have time despite Riddler's punch.
Watch what this liquid does
when it is introduced into the drinks.
You will see a
temperance party...
shortened into a temper pot.
Alas, too late.
For even as the Dynamic Duo speeds toward
the residence of millionaire Van Jones...
someone else is in
Van Jones' pantry first...
spiking the punch.
That should bring out the temper
in these temperance fellows.
- Got the camera handy, C.B.?
- Where I can grab it in a jiffy.
Happy shooting.
Enjoy the comedy to come.
There we are.
They're very good.
Maury Wills is better
than Honus Wagner?
Fifty times better.
You're an ignorant oaf, Chief O'Hara. I
wonder why I keep you in my department.
Oh, your royal highness, often
I've wondered why I don't resign.
Oops.
You clumsy brute.
Did you bump into me on purpose?
I'm sorry. Terribly.
I didn't think Batman was on
your guest list, Mr. Van Jones.
Considering these
louts who were, dearie...
I'd say that's
entirely in his favor.
Pretty sour lemonade, Van Jones.
If you don't like it, lump it.
Personally, I think
it's unusually sweet.
The boors a man in my
position has to tolerate.
Ha. Is it worth it? No.
Batman to Batmobile.
All quiet here, Batman.
Any sign of the Riddler?
Not a trace, Robin.
But there's something
strange going on here.
Everyone seems to be in the
most incredibly bad temper.
- It's pink.
- In fact...
Say that once again, stupid.
Your dress is pink, colorblind.
I'll call you back.
Get him in the solar plexus!
Oh, sir. Sir, please
help me, please.
What's the matter?
A horrible man dressed in green
tights just leapt out of the bushes...
and seized my little brother.
- What? Dressed in green?
- Yes.
And he shouted
the strangest thing.
He said, "A clue",
he shouted at me...
and, "When is a
bonnet not a bonnet?"
The Riddler.
And that clue's a snap.
A bonnet is not a bonnet when
it becomes a young woman.
Oh, how clever you are.
Citizens, stop it!
Stop it!
Stop this!
Have you all lost your senses?
The Batman spots us.
Batman to Robin.
Batman calling Robin.
Do you read me, Robin? Robin?
Riddle me this,
my criminal crew.
When does the Boy
Wonder rhyme with "bubble"?
When he's in trouble.
Wrong.
When he's double.
Split in two halves...
right down the middle.
Camera ready to roll, C.B.?
Rolling, Riddler, baby.
How would you like your
sideburns, Boy Wonder?
Long or short?
Batman will get
you for this, Riddler!
But will he get you?
I believe you said
he'd be here in no time.
Question, is no time in time?