Baskets (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Commercial - full transcript

Chip sees a homeless person in a library.

WOMAN: Paul's been having
a difficult time of late.

FX presents Baskets.

MAN: Get on with it!

I'm kind of rebranding myself.

We just had a barbecue funeral
for my old clown, Renoir.

- I don't want no trouble.
- DALE: Oh, don't you?

Well, I think you do
because ever since I met you,

you've been stirring the pot.

If we all stay in our own lanes
as business partners,

we can get somewhere.

KEN: Once upon a time,
there was a princess that lived

in a big, dark, echoey castle.

- That was no fun.
- Aw! -Aw!

Then one day, the princess was
visited by her fairy godmother.

the princess had her choice

of hundreds of styles and colors
of premium carpeting.

What's your favorite color?

How about...

my favorite color is red.

Red. We have those
in stock, too.

Delivered in five
to seven business days.

- How's the fairy godmother do it, Daddy?
- Do it, Daddy?

I think she had a little help
from the king.

♪ Come see Ken,
The Carpet King. ♪

So cute.

Oh, come in. Sit down.

Come in. I got you gifts
from the woman's conference.

- I like your bangs.
- Thank you.

- Hey, Chip.
- Hey, Mom.


If it's a wrong size,
I can exchange it

'cause I bought
a hundred of 'em.

They gave me a deal.

- What is this, magenta?
- I think it is.

- Love it.
- Oh, good.

Anyway, I know we've had
our ups and downs,

but at the women's conference,

I learned quite a bit
about business

and I learned about branding.

And we need to get the word out
on our rodeo.

So, guess what.

- We're gonna all have
to get bangs? -No.

We're going to make a Baskets
Family Rodeo commercial.

Oh, now you're talking
my language.

- Thank you, Mother.
- Great idea, Mom.

It's exciting, isn't it?

Um, I was actually working
on a new clown character.

- Maybe I can incorporate that.
- And because we have

a expert in making commercials
amongst us,

I'd like to take this time
to introduce...

I don't need an introduction.

...The Carpet King, Ken!

- Howdy, everybody.
- Ken?

Hi, Ken.

- Hey, Ken.
- Hey, Chip.

I will... Fake news! Fake news!

I'm the commercial guy.

Chip, tell them how many
commercials I've done

for Baskets Career College.


I've done 55 of them.

It's not a competition, Dale.

Yes, it is. Everything is.

- God.
- Well, anyway,

I called Channel 9
and I got the rates

for a 30-second commercial.

Before we make any decisions
about directing, let me, uh,

just show you something that's,
uh... one of them went viral.

- Yeah.

Here it is. Two hits.

It's really coming!

Y2K is for real!


Are you ready
for the Y2K disaster

that's gonna hit your town?

Experts say the grid
is going down.

Right, experts?

Don't you get stuck in the
dead-end computer tech industry.

Sign up for one
of our analog classes like:

Archery, Motorcycle Law,

Pottery, Child Pottery,

Knife Sharpening,
Knife Throwing.


Child Care and Knife Law.

Increase your chances
of survival while having a blast

at Baskets Career College.

Take it from me...
I'm not only the dean,

but I'm building a bunker.

Proud to be California's
first and only

open carry career college.

Uh, yes, hello.

I'm looking
for a-a c-clown book section.

Any books on clowning
or the history of clowning.

I'm working on a character,
a clowning character.

Uh, or, you know,
any kind of instruction manuals

- on, um, creativity in general.
- Hmm.

I'm a little rusty
on the Dewey Decimal System,

so I need some help.

So, have a seat here.

I'll pull you some books
and I'll be right back.

Okay, thank you.



That's good, though.


Oh, no! No, Barry!

I told you not to pee
in that plant!

Out! Out!

Oh! Oh, God!


I just think

the more real and natural
your spot is,

the more people can relate
and trust what you're saying.

Hmm. That's too old-fashioned.

What people want now
is razzle-dazzle.

What that razzle-dazzle is,
is sex.

You know, sex sells.

They want cleavage, they want
midsections, that kind of thing.

Boobies, tits, you know...

But, Dale, it's a rodeo.

Well, I'm not talking
like bestiality, Ken. Sicko.

I've got an idea.

Why don't both of you
do your own commercial

and then I'll decide
which one to use?

Oh, you mean like a little
film festival type thing.


I could be into that.
I could, I could do, like,

a little competition,
if that's what you mean.

- Sure. I'm cool with it.
- DALE: Okay, Ken.

- Let the best man win.
- (chuckles)

So, are you guys gonna want

two different clowns
for each spot?

'Cause I have a lot of, a lot
of options I can give you.

Nothing really specific,
uh, yet.

Uh, but I have the essence
of-of several clowns, um, but,

uh, they're still kind of
in the-the building phase. Um...

You'll bring your clown nose,

'Cause I think
that's all we need.

Yeah, there's-there's more to it
than that, though.

I know. I know.

Nobody really gives a shit
about that.

Uh, yeah, I have a nose.


Anyway, you know what I like?

I love a jingle.

Like, at the end of the spot.

Like... ♪ Ro, ro, rodeo. ♪

- (chuckles) Baby, I'll do
whatever you want. -Oh.

See, but he has
a sexual advantage on you

that I don't have.

I can be objective.


(oven beeps)

Oh, the pie!

Chip, will you get the pie
for me?

- Yep.
- Thank you.

No pie for me.

Thank you very much
for the tacos, Mother. Kenneth.

I got that
from the woman's conference,

pitting people against
each other, competition.

(chuckles) I knew you had
something cooking over there.

- Oh, it's hot!
- Aah!

That's hot!

Oh. Are you okay?

Scorched my arm.

Oh, God.

What about Clumbso
for a name for a clown?


Just like a TV weatherman,

setting up a green screen.

MRS. BASKETS (over intercom):
Paging Dale Baskets.

It's your mother.
Please come to the barn area.

We're shooting
Ken's commercial.

Starting already? I'm still
setting up my commercial.

Dale, we're all here,
waiting for you.

Your outfit's laid out
on the chair, honey.

But I already have a nice top.

- You ready? -Yeah, yeah,
we're looking really great.

Thanks for making the cue cards.

Now, Chip, I want you to stand
right here next to your mom.

- That should be your mark.
- CHIP: I wanted to thank you

for not holding
my feet next to the fire

for my new clown character.

It's-it's almost there,

it's just not there yet,
so thanks for understanding.

Yeah. Great. Sure.

- Here I am.
- KEN: Dale! Looking good.

Put a mic on him.

Hi, I'm Greg.

I'm gonna put a mic on you.

Okay. Good for you, Greg.

All right, and this is gonna go
right down here.

- Whoa, your hands... I got it.
Thank you very much. -Oh...

Your hands are a bit... chilly.

- Your mark is right here next to your mom.
- Thank you, Ken.

Hey, Mom. God, you look
like Nellie Oleson.

- Thank you. -(quietly):
It's not a compliment, Mother.

Okay, so, now,
this is a Wild West scenario.

We're gonna start
with Christine's first line,

then we'll go over to Chip,

then we'll push in to Dale,
and then

we'll swing back to Christine.

- Really, very simple, okay?
- GREG: Perfect.

- All right, here we go.
- (Mrs. Baskets clears throat)

Lines are on the cue cards.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Here we go.

We're rolling.

And action.

Y'all come down
to the Baskets Family Rodeo.

Horses and bulls,
cowboys and clowns.

We're Baskersfie...

I said "Bask..."

We're Basketsfield's new...

- MRS. BASKETS: Bakersfield.
- DALE: "We're Bakersfield's..."

It's a tongue twister.

- Bakersfield's.
- Isn't it? It's a mouthful.

I think it's because you put
the possessive on it.

That's okay, that's okay,
it was just a rehearsal.

We're just loosening up, okay?

All right, everybody ready?

(clearing throat)

Here we go.

And action.

Y'all come down
to the Baskets Family Rodeo.

Horses and bulls,
cowboys and clowns.

We're Bakersfield's new home
for family flan.

- Fawn. Fun.

- (sighs)
- Almost.

Dale, it's "family fun."

I know what I'm doing;
I used to date a videographer.

It's okay, it's okay, Dale.

Just take your time, we'll...
L-Let's do another one.

- (sighs)
- All right.

Hold on, let me just... Go.

We're all set now?
You got the line?

- Yes.
- All right.

Here we go.

Ready? And action.

Y'all come down
to the Baskets Family Rodeo.

Horses and bulls,
cowboys and clowns.

We're Nakersfield's boo vas...


We're Nakersfield's blue...

We're Naker...
we're Bakersfield's blue...

we're Nakers... we're Bakers...

we're Na...

We're Bakersfield's new game...


The lady is...
you're blocking half of it,

so I don't know
if it says "home,"

- "game."
- Okay, let's try one more.

Okay? Here we go.
Lots of energy.

Can you not talk anymore,
during the shoot, please?

Because it's kind of
throwing off my emotionalness

of the, of the scene.


- Dale.
- Dale, just...

just chill out, okay?

Yeah, you relax.

All right, here we go.

Lots of energy.

Ready, and action.

Y'all come down
to the Baskets Family Rodeo.

Horses and bulls,
cowboys and clowns.

We're Bakersfield's new home
for family fun.

You'll have
a rootin' tootin' grea...

Is it "good..." "great time"

- or "good time"?
- DALE: Ha!

Idiot. That's the easiest line

on the whole thing, Mom,
and you screwed it up.

I mean, you have the least
amount of syllables or words.

"You'll have a rootin' tootin'
good time." Who can't say that?

- (laughs) -I need to get
some more lipstick.

- You need something.
- KEN: Christine.

- Wait a minute.
- I'm fine, I'm fine.

Let her go.

- What's wrong with you?
You're such a tool. -Oh, yeah?

Well, least I'm not
a dumb old woman.

(scoffs, chuckles)

You're a witness.

You're a witness.

You're a witness.
And you're a witness.

You know why?

'Cause you hit me!

You slapped my beard!

Nobody slaps my beard!

Hey, let me get that mic.

- Get the mic off of me, please.
- Uh, a-all right.

You're not gonna
hit me, too, are you?

- GREG: No, it's fine. -DALE:
I got it. Just let go of it!

- No, it's almost there.
- That's good. Thank you.

No, it's stuck...

(voices fading)

Do you have a pen on you?

Oh, God.

What did I just do?


Okay. I got it in here.

SAM: If you're a farmer
or ranch hand

who's been injured on a job,

you don't want to talk to any
big city lawyer who doesn't know

the difference
between alfalfa and ripgut.

I'm one of you.

Driller, class of '78.

NARRATOR: Country lawyer
Sam Hill has been defending

the citizens of Bakersfield
since 1994.

Sam, I realize it's Saturday,
but this is an emergency.

I want to re-sue my mother.

Actually, her boyfriend.

He hit me.

SAM (over phone):
He hit you? Where?

He smacked me
right across my face!

Were there any witnesses?

Uh, yeah.

Hold on one second.
(clears throat)

"Chip, where are you?

Need you for legal reasons"

question mark,
exclamation point,

distraught face emoji.

- Send.
- (phone whooshes)

- (phone whooshes)
- You're where?

- Christine.
- Sorry I walked out, Ken.

I just lost it.

I'll be done with my makeup
in a minute,

and I'll be ready
to shoot again.

No, the shoot's off.

- Uh...
- Oh?

Dale kept mouthing off, and I...


I just lost it.

And I slapped him.

What? What... He...
You what?

I slapped him.

What... wha... How would you...?

Why would...?

Christine, I'm sorry.


K-Ken, give me a minute.

Give me a minute, please.

Not now.



Where's Chip?

(à la "In the Hall
of the Mountain King"):
♪ We are having a big sale ♪

♪ Wigs and capes,
bats and apes ♪

♪ Oh, but wait, we're not
just any Halloween store ♪

♪ We are open all year round ♪

♪ What's that sound?
Santa's sleigh ♪

♪ We have giant Easter eggs ♪

♪ Uncle Sam, witches' legs ♪

♪ We are having a big sale,
call and ask, prices slashed ♪

♪ We aren't just a Halloween
and costume store ♪

♪ We do birthdays, with a theme
or no theme, you're the boss ♪

♪ And we do Bar Mitzvahs
for an added price ♪

♪ Open till nine. ♪

(humming "In the Hall
of the Mountain King")

Can I help you find something?

Yes, hi, um,
I'm a professional clown,

and I'm looking for
some clown accessories.

Um, kind of working on
a new clown character.

Our clown wigs and noses
and horns are over there.

- Okay.
- You know what's cool right now

is evil clowns.

If you get, like,
balloons and an ax

and some playing cards
with, like, blood on it,

people flip out.

No, I'm looking for more of a...

- (door opens, bells jingle)
- Idiot clown.

- (skeleton screams)
- Gah! Damn skeletons!

What are you doing here?

That man, that stranger...

He slapped me in my face,
and you are my witness.

So, you are gonna be calling
my lawyer.

I'm gonna sue him
and his entire family.

Is this a stickup?

No. I got this.

- Calm down.
- Don't touch me!

I was just assaulted!

I will not be silenced!

I just want you to shut up!

This is a place of business.

Give me your avails
for next week.

I need to set up an appointment
so you can give your testimony

to the grand jury
about the attack.

Here's my testimony: You got
slapped because you deserve it,

'cause you've been
a real jerk to Mom.

Oh, you're playing
the race card.

It's so typical
of you white people.

- What are you...?
- (door opens, bells jingle)

- God!

Are you in here, honey?

- (skeleton screams)
- Aah!

Oh, God!

Everything's 75% off.

Dale! Dale, it's your mother!

- I saw your van. Where are you?
- CHIP: Mom,

we're right here.
You don't have to yell.

- Dale.
- What?

Ken told me what happened.

I'm so sorry.
Let me see your face.

No, no, no.
You're-you're the enemy.

- You're part of the problem.
- What?

Your boyfriend slapped my face,
Mom, and you, you loved it.

I wasn't even there.

I don't even understand
how it happened.

I don't understand how it
doesn't happen more often.

You shut your mouth.

- Chip, you're not helping.
- Yeah.

You're just upset.

I'm sorry about this.

I'm used to it.
My parents are bikers.

Yeah, I'm a little-little,
uh, flummoxed.

Yeah, I mean,
to use a Jewish term,

- I'm a little flummoxed.
- Well, why don't

you come home and I'll put
some ice on your cheek?

Oh, that's...
that is not gonna happen!

- (door opens, bells jingle)
- I'll tell you that.

- That will not...
- Aah!

- (skeleton screams)
- Oh, he's trying to kill me!

I'm gonna stay over here, Dale.

I've just come to say I'm sorry.

I don't know what come over me.

- Save it for the judge, buddy!
- MRS. BASKETS: Judge?

Dale, no.

Oh, yes, Mother.
A judge.

And guess what.
I'm gonna take you

all the way
to the Supreme Court.

- What?
- What do you think about that?

You're just upset.

Yeah, I'm upset!
Stop saying that!

CASHIER: Uh, real quick, we're
closing in about five minutes,

so if you have any purchases,

bring them up
to the counter now.

Mom, I think
we should buy something,

as as apology, you know.

Oh, uh, sure.

Uh, how about some of those
little, uh, pumpkin lights?

They're cute.

Go ahead and buy your pumpkins!

Go ahead.
'Cause you know why?

I'm gonna sue you, you,
you, not you.

Is he suing me?

(skeleton screams)


leave the skeleton alone.

(screaming powers down)

He's already dead, Dale.

And... I have an announcement
to make!

I'm leaving
this godforsaken town!

I'm gonna buy a Jet Ski

and move up to Alaska,

or something like there!

Maybe hitchhike to Burning Man!

The point being, I'm outta here!

And I'm never coming back! Ever!

(bell jingling)

Oh, it's locked.
Excuse me.

(skeleton screaming)


Hurry, lady.

You're messing up my dismount.

(bell jingling)

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.
We're not normally like this.

It's no problem.
You have cute hair, by the way.

Thank you.
I needed that, kind of.

Let me take you home, Christine.

No. Let me take you home, Ken.
Let's go.

- (skeleton screaming)
- Oh, shut up.

WOMAN (over P.A.):
The white zone is for immediate

loading and unloading
of passengers only.

KEN: Christine,
I can't explain my actions.

I just want to ask you
for your forgiveness.

Go home. We'll talk about it
in a week.

KEN: But I'm afraid if I leave,
it'll be all over.

I don't want that.

Well, I've got to figure out
what I want.


I know I made a huge mistake.

But, please, just know that

I care for you very deeply.

Just go home, Ken.

Just go home.

WOMAN (over P.A.):
The white zone is for immediate

loading and unloading
of passengers only.

- Greg.
- Yeah?

Fire that camera up.
I'm ready to shoot something.


Let's do this.

Okay. We're rolling.

Hi, I'm Christine Baskets,

CEO and president
of the Baskets Family Rodeo.

And we want to invite
your family

to come down
and meet our family.

We have a lot of fun going on:

cows, cowboys, bucking broncos,

and some clowns.

You'll love it.
It's the Baskets Family Rodeo.

So, we'll have
a rootin' tootin' good time,

so I want you
to row, row, row yourself

down to our rodeo.

That's it.

Why did you lie
and tell that guy
you had a boyfriend?

I do have a boyfriend.

Actually, I have two.

I'm not one of 'em,


All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

(water dripping)

(thunder rumbling)

The Assassination
of Gianni Versace.

All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.


♪ (orchestra: up-tempo
Italian instrumental)

The riveting final season
is here.


The Americans.

Wednesday, March 28 on FX.