Baskets (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Women's Conference - full transcript

Christine and Martha listen to harp music at brunch.

♪ (jazz)

FX presents Baskets.

MAN: Get on with it!

My mom opened a rodeo.

- She's spending a lot of money
on shit we don't need. -Dad.

My back. Oh...

You're getting sued,
Mom, I'm suing you.

You can't be serious.

Why are you wearing
this costume?

This is my French clown outfit.

You're not a French cloon.

(phone ringing,
printer whirring)

I'm sorry about
your collision, sir,

but we don't cover glass eyes.

They're considered accessories.

- Martha!
- Oh, my God.

- Hold on, sir.
- It's Christine.

Mrs. Baskets, you scared me.

We're going to Vegas.

You and Chip?

No, you and me.

A girls' weekend.

We're going
to a businesswoman's conference.

Lori Greiner's gonna be there,
from Shark Tank.

She's a real business leader.

- Well, she...
- Anyways, I got us

a two-for-one package.

You're going, I'm going.

We get a free tote.

We're businesswomen, aren't we?


So, what's fun to do in Vegas?

You know, I could always
clear up a weekend

and show you around.

It's a woman's weekend, Ken.

You know, enough men have been
telling me what to do.

My brother Jim.

Dale is suing me.

- Chip was mad at me.
- What?

You said, wha...
Dale is suing you?

- Did you ever have any of your
kids sue you, Ken? -No.

It's awful that he's suing you.

I wish I could talk
to his little ass.

There's no talking to him, Ken.

I've been through this.

Hey, what's the name
of that steakhouse

you like so much there in Vegas?

Oh, the Outback.

MRS. BASKETS: You know, Martha,
this is gonna be a hoot.

That's what you guys say
in the sticks, don't you?

Um, I guess.

Steak fries, yes...
Well done, please...

And, uh, oh, a piña...
Virgin... piña colada.

Yeah... Martha,
you want a colada?

Oh, no, thanks.

I have a canker sore.

- Oh, just one.
- Thank you, sir.

You know... Hey, will we get
the USA Today tomorrow?

Oh, damn it.

Never mind. I'm sorry, Dinah.

Yeah, just one colada.

Thanks a lot.
Oh, she's nice.

Hey, Martha, I almost forgot
to give you this.

Your lanyard and your tote.

Thanks, Mrs. Baskets.


You know what? I'll fill it up

with hygiene products
and give it to a homeless lady.

No, Martha, that's your tote
for the seminar.

You put all your seminar package
stuff in there.

I wouldn't even
carry your purse.

I'd consolidate it
and just carry the tote.

I think I'll just use it
like an extra bag, as intended,

but thank you.

Martha, what if
you get bogged down?

You'll be sorry.

I'll be okay, but thanks.

Okay, to each his own.








Gatorades is mine.

All four of 'em.

This is mine.

These is mine.

What are you doing?

I'm taking what's mine.

I reinjured my back

dealing with a broken pipe
on Thanksgiving,

over at the rodeo,
when Mom bailed on me.

This cinnamon's mine.

Jellybeans are mine.

Now I have a bulging disc

between my L4 and my L5
on my spinal cord.

Right on my lumbar vertebrae.

And I got this surgeon, who
comes highly recommended on Yelp

and some bus stations,
and he says that I need surgery,


What does this have to do
with you taking stuff?

Well, my surgery's gonna be
very expensive,

and Mom maxed out
my credit card, so it's...

it's payback time. You know?

Need to... I'll take this.

Where's my Bonnie Raitt CD?

There it is. Where is Mama?

'Cause I need to know
how much time I have to loot.

I don't really need
to take that.

She's in, uh, Vegas,
with Martha,

at a woman's conference.

Ah, Vegas.
Well, I tell you one thing.

The rodeo won't be paying
for that, that's for sure.

Oh, all right.

I'll be in the shower.

I'll take this lamp.

I'll just...

- (bulb shatters)
- Ah...

My back.

Martha, can you put this
in your tote?

Mine's full of bric-a-brac.

- Sure, you gonna read it later?
- I am.

Ooh, soft-boiled eggs.

Excuse me, ladies,
I've got to hit the buffet.

So, anyway, I own a rodeo.

It's smelly, but I love it.

- (chuckles)
- Ooh.

I try to make it more beautiful,

but people don't seem
to really care.

My sons also work there,

and they think
they know more than me, so...

What do you ladies do?

Well, I own a hair salon
in Phoenix.

- The Hipster Snipster.
(chuckles) -Ah!

Dee Dee's got Scissor Barn
and Kiki's got Cut and Dry.

Oh, cute names.

And you own a salon?

Oh, no, actually,
I'm the CEO and owner

of Chin Chan's Chinese Bistro.

Chin Chan's?

Martha, the Chin Chan lady!

Oh, hi.

I'm obsessed
with your fortune cookies.

- Thank you.
- Oh.

They must kill you
on the refills, huh?

You know, that's what
keeps them coming back.

So smart.

That, and the lo mein.

(both chuckle)

Lo mein.

Good insights, gentlemen.
And that is what it's like

to be a woman
in today's business world.


Oh! Worth every damn penny.

Ooh, samples.

Little early.

Wine, Martha.


That looks a little healthy
for me.

Oh, I don't know how they do
a massage in public.

I won't even do one in private.

Do you like massages, Martha?

I don't really like
to be touched by strangers.


- Oh, look at those flowers.
- SANDRA: Oh, Christine.

- Christine, there you are.
- Chin Chan! The Chin Chan lady.

We were just talking about going
to the strip club.

We go every year.
Do you want to come with us?

There are gonna be
free refills on men.

- (laughter)
- Oh! With men...


- Well, yeah, I guess.
- Yeah.

- Awesome.
- I don't know.

I'm pretty tired,
and my feet hurt.

Oh, does your lap hurt?

Because it is going to.


Count us in.

- Yes. Awesome.
- I don't...

You can bow out later.



Hey! Dale!

- (grunts)
- Whoa!

What are you doing?

I'm taking what is mine!

You know your mother's very
upset that you're suing her.

Oh, yeah, uh, guess what.

Ow, my back.
Yeah, I'm upset, too.

- (door opens)
- I'm up...

Are you taking
the treadmill, too?

- Hey, Ken.
- Chip.

Yeah, uh, you're stealing
Christine's treadmill?

It's called collateral,
for my impending back surgery.


Don't Carpet King me, Ken.

We're not in Colorado.

Hey, Chip? Can you get
your phone out, please?

I'm gonna need
two angles on this.

My phone doesn't do video.

Look, your mother just wants you

to drop the lawsuit.

Don't gaslight me...
Let me put this on me.

Don't gaslight me, Ken.

You know, you didn't even
put a ring on it.

So this is really
none of your beeswax.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a treadmill to move.

Don't die on me, Dale.

Don't die on me.

- (music playing)
- (cheering)

(music ends)


I wish I had some ones.

Ladies and... gentlewomen,

one special lady will get
her very own strip show.

Can Martha Brooks
please come to the stage?

- Martha!
- What?

- I signed you up.
- Why?

I thought you wanted
to live a little.

I never said that.

Well, you should.
Live a little, let it go.

- (cheering)
- Li... Well, live a little...

- Yeah.
- Mrs. Baskets...

Go have some fun, Martha,
it's all in fun.

- I... this isn't... fun.
- I'm right here, Martha.

If they try any hanky-panky,
I'll be right up there.


(music playing)

Oh! They've called
the fire department.

♪ I'm saucy, I'm drippin' ♪

♪ I'm tasty, delicious ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm fresh head to toe
when I step in the spot... ♪

Oh, okay, I...

Martha, go along with it.

I think it's a bad idea.

- ♪ I'm sau... ♪
- (music stops)

- (crowd gasps)


I thought we had a minibar.

This cupboard is bare.

Old Mother Hubbard.
There's nothing the cupboard.

Excuse me, can I get through?

Yeah, sure.


I should have told you,
Mrs. Baskets,

I just can't go to these
types of things.

You know, I don't know
if you've noticed,

but I've been giving you
the silent treatment.


No, I didn't notice it.

- Huh. Here, let me help you
with this. -I got it.

How about your pillow?
I could plop that up,

- couldn't I?
- I don't need it... Ow.

Oh! I'm sorry.
Listen, let me get you some ice.


Lori Greiner? Oh!

My friend Martha's
never gonna believe this.

Lori, oh, God.

Oh, God.
I'm Christine Baskets.

It's Christine Baskets.

- This is just like a...
- Nice to meet you.

- Thank you.
- I'm just getting some ice.

- I have a sore neck from my
flight. -Oh, I'm sorry.

I get a sore neck myself.

- We're twins.
- (both laugh)

Ah! Martha!

I met Lori Greiner!

It's a Las Vegas miracle!

She was so nice.

I got to call Ken.

Okay, well, I'm trying to sleep.

KEN: Well, that's-that's
nice, Christine.

It sounds like you're having
a really good time.

Listen, uh, I don't want
to upset you, but, uh...

Oh, is it the strippers?

- Oh, I don't care about them.
- No, no.

Well... I just talked to Dale.

Well, I came down here
to talk to him

about dropping the lawsuit.

You're in Bakersfield?

You didn't have to do that.

I know, but I think
I just made things worse.

Well, I'll just deal with Dale
when I get back.

That's what I'm here for,
isn't it,

to learn how to deal with
the business end of things?

I know, I'll talk
to Lori Greiner

during my meet and greet
about how to deal with Dale.

Oh... thank you.

Thank you.
Oh, my gosh.

- Lori!
- Thank you, ladies.

- I think she saw me.
- Thank you.

Can we sit down now?
My knee is on fire.

Thank you.

Today, we are going to get
true financial freedom.

You know how?

We're gonna cut up
our credit cards.

Get 'em out, ladies.

Oh, my credit card,
I'd love to cut that up.

Oh, no, my purse.
I lost my purse, Mrs. Baskets.

- Your tote or your purse?
- My purse.

I'm not used to having more
than one thing on my shoulder.

That tote really threw me off.

Well, you know,
we talked about this.

You got bogged down,
you didn't consolidate.

Oh, I must have left it
at the strip club.

It must have fallen
off the stage

when I fell off the stage.

We'll get it afterwards.

I've got a meet and greet
with Lori next.

No, I can't wait till later.

If it's gone, the first 48 hours

after a crime are
the most important.

Martha, you're acting
so frazzled.

I've never seen you like this.

Well, I told you
I didn't want to go,

and you wouldn't listen to me.

And then you had that stripper
grind on me.

I get it.

You want an apology.
I'm sorry.

I just wanted you
to have a little fun.

- (mouths)
- Mrs. Baskets,

you think everyone's
like you, and we're not.

Okay, some of us are
more sensitive,

like me and like Dale.

You know, he was just trying
to help you with your budget,

and you wouldn't listen to him,

and that's why he's suing you.

I think that you're
a great businesswoman,

but you could maybe be a little
bit better of a listener.

I have to go get my purse.

LORI: And made me feel good,
so I just started making more.

Thank you.
Thank you.



Hi, Ken.

Oh, I haven't been wearing this
since you left.

I've just been working
on some clown routines.

It's very freeing,
so that's why I have it on.

Is Dale here?

No, he doesn't live here
any longer.

You know where he's staying?

I can take you to him.
Let me get my keys.

How you been?

Oh, fine. How-how about you?

You know...

I'm kind of rebranding
myself a little bit.

We just had a barbecue funeral
for my old clown Renoir.

- Ah. -So I just don't know
what's gonna be next.

- Yeah. -You know,
nothing's clicking.

Yeah, I hear you. I...

You know, I went through
a lot of that stuff myself.

I mean, you see me now,
I'm the Carpet King,

but I went through
a lot of levels, iterations.

I used to be the...
The Carpet Gnome,

the Carpetbagger.

I was the Carpet Brother.

So, you know. I mean,
you-you-you go through that

until you find
that-that-that character,

that-that sweet spot.

Say, how-how do I get
to your brother Dale?

Give me some tips.


Well, Dale likes to win, right?

So as long as he thinks
he's winning,

then you don't have
any problems with him.

I can do that.

I'll take the 90-minute
hot stones massage.

It's for Lori Greiner.

Her neck is sore
from her flight.

She's got everyday people
problems, just like us.

Thank you.

Oh, it's so light.

Are the stones in here,
or does she pick them up?

Okay. Thank you.


Nice to meet you.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Lori, I met you
at the ice machine.

Oh, yeah.


- My family has this rodeo.
- Uh-huh.

And then I-I...
My son need... Hey,

I wanted to talk to Lori.





This is my first massage.

Are we supposed to talk?

If you want to.


Well, you don't know me, then,
'cause... (chuckles)

if I can talk, I'll do it.

- Oh, God, that feels terrific.
- (chuckles)

I should really get
my son a massage.

He's got a lower back problem.

Uh, you know, um,
lower back problems

are from financial worries.


I've got a really good book
on it, actually.

"Healing Back Pain
by John Sarno, M.D.

With a new preface
from the author."

- I love a good preface.
- They sell 'em out in the lobby.

You should buy one for your son.

Sounds like he's under
a lot of stress.

He's suing me.
That's stressful.

Yeah, we have a family business.

A rodeo, if you can believe it.


Well... a lot of families
fall apart over money.

That's what happened
to our family.

We had a chain of pharmacies
across the Midwest,

and, um...

(voice fades)

I should tell you that, legally,
you are trespassing,

'cause I pay for rent
on this piece of land

on which my van
and my treadmill sit.

- I don't want no trouble.
- Oh, don't you?

Well, I think you do,
because ever since I met you,

you've been stirring the pot.

Oh, by the way, I brought
the adapter for the treadmill.

Thank you.
Well, that's nice.

You win, Dale.

- Win what?
- The treadmill. It's yours.

I know that.

- What is your angle?
- Nothing.

I just want you to know that
your mom is working really hard

for the both of you
at the rodeo.

- (chair whirring)
- If you just try to see things

from your mom's point of view,

be a little bit nicer to her.

If you can, I think
you'll see things

from her angle...
See it through her eyes.

Are we cool?

- (whirring stops)
- Cool enough.

I appreciate you
coming out here.

Come on, Chip, let's go.

(car door opens)

(chair whirring)

Can I help you?

- Hi. Hi.
- Hey.

You're that girl who fell
off the stage

- last night.
- Yeah.

Uh, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good, I just...
I think I might have left

my purse here last night,
and I was wondering

if maybe you guys
happened to find it.

Do you know how many purses
we have here, love?

Maybe, like, five to ten?

More than a few.

Women really lose their heads.

That makes sense.

But we felt really bad.

We wanted to give you
a free lap dance.

Or a hat.

Maybe I'll take the hat.

- Oh.
- Sorry.

I mean, you're really talented,
but I have a boyfriend...

He's a shepherd... and I want
to stay faithful to him.

I made the hat, too.

- Oh, cool.
- Yeah, it's all good.

I do all the merchandise here.

Wow, that's really cool.

Here you go.

Um, okay...

- Oh, here it is.
- Oh, nice.

- Oop. Okay.
- There you go.

Well, thanks a lot.

Um... maybe I'll-I'll take
that hat now?

Here you go.
Thank you.

Well, that's it, Martha.

Thank you for coming with me.

- Oh...
- Oh, God,

you're such a great wingman.

I mean, wingwoman.

- Aw... -But I should have
listened to you.

I should have never forced
that stripper on you.

I feel terrible.

That's okay, Mrs. Baskets,
there are worse things.

I just love you, Martha.

Well, thanks, Mrs. Baskets.

Do we really have to leave
this woman's paradise?

Well, probably.


I love that hat.

What does it say?

Uh, "License to drill."

It's like a innuendo,
like a stripping...

I love that word.

DALE: A book? How is a book
gonna heal my back pain?

Well, I didn't write it.

"The brain doesn't want to
face up to the repressed anger,

so it's running away from it."

A bunch of psychobabble.

Is that what you think,
that all this is

just in my head?

Well, I'll tell you
what's not in my head

is my lawsuit, so if you think
you're gonna give me

some rinky-dink, ho-dink,
boo-dink book,

then you're sorely mistaken,
much like my back.

I'm not thinking anything,

and I want you to do
what you want to do.

I just wanted to tell you
that you were right.

I should've listened to you.

I made a lot of mistakes.

- We all did.
- That's right.

- Chip made mistakes
on the clowns. -That's right.

You made some mistakes
with the horses.

But now what I'm saying
to you is,

if we all stay in our own lanes
as business partners,

we can get somewhere.

And I will be listening

to my financial wizard.

That's you.

So I'll get... You're saying
I'll get my money back?


I'm a Lori Greiner
seminar graduate.

- How could we lose?
- Look at this.

Wow. I don't think

I've ever seen you
stand up that straight.

Yeah, I'm as wrecked
as a navy man during Fleet Week.

- Do a twirl.
- I don't know if I can.

Try it.

- I can do a twirl.
- Oh...

- Look at this, I'm Chip.
- (laughs)

(singing in French)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH



(laughing continues)


(slowing down)


I'm out of here!

(bells jingling)


All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

(police radio chatter)

The Assassination
of Gianni Versace.

All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.

♪ (R & B) (no audible dialogue)

(metallic clanking)

(woman laughing)


MAN: A few years working for me,

you won't just visit Morocco.

You'll buy Morocco.

The riveting final season
is here.


The Americans.

Wednesday, March 28 on FX.