Baskets (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Marthager - full transcript

Martha tries being Chip's manager by booking him a couple of gigs, one a car crash; Christine gets fed up with Chip and Dale.

Chip: Dale! You're
dislodging the toilet!


- [Screaming]
- Shit water!


- Chip you shut up.
- [Glass breaking]


I'm home. Oh.


Hey, we found the cat.

Dale: He... He was on the bridge
that Daddy jumped from.

Probably wantin' to smell
him or somethin'.

Why do you hate me so much?

- We don't hate you, Mom.
- We don't hate you, Mom.

Get out.

Mom, we're... we're sorry.
Ronnie, not now, please.

You're not welcome here
in my home anymore.

Can we at least help you
clean things up for you?


What a bunch of crazy drama that was.

She is really upset.

Eh, she'll be fine.

You wanna go to Hooters
and get some soup?

Hooters? Uh, sure. I don't
have anyplace to be.

- [Cell phone chimes]
- Oh. What's this?

Oh, it's Trish.

I leave work for a few days
and everything goes to hell.

It's gonna have to be a rain
check on the Hooters soup.

Oh. Okay, well.

- [Car engine starts]
- Not sure what I'm supposed to do, but...

Well, most people have a job, Chip.

Maybe you'd consider that.

[Tires squealing]

Thanks, Dale.


- [Grunting]
- [Wood cracking]

[Crowd cheering]

Man: Let's hear it for Baskets
the Clown, y'all.



- Oh, God. Chip.
- Martha.

Hey, look, I know you said

not to tell your mom about jail,

but I don't have...
I didn't have the money,

and I thought she would have the money.

I... And I didn't even tell her...

Martha, I need a job.

I need a job.

You're rambling on like a crazy person.

- Nice to see you.
- Oh.

- How are you?
- I'm good. Well, nice to see you.

Uh... Okay.

Okay, so what kind of clown
jobs are you looking for?

Uh, at this point, anything, I mean,

I'll do theaters, you know, galas,

store openings, fiestas.
Birthdays, of course.

Oh, hey, my birthday's coming
up in ten months.

I could hire you for that.

Okay, yeah, good. What's the budget?

Well, right now it's in the early
planning stages,

- but I can look into it.
- Okay.

How old are you gonna be?

- Forty-nine.
- No what... Not what year you were born.

How old are you gonna be?

I'm gonna... I'm turning 49.

I wasn't born in '49.

Okay, yes, a birthday. Put me
on your birthday, uh, thing.

That would be great. What else?
What else?

Oh, have you read these
stories about these clowns

coming to towns and,
like, spooking children?

Yeah, like when there have been...

People have been filling out police
reports and stuff.

Yeah, can you see if that's a payed gig?

- Um, yeah.
- I don't know how you do that.

Maybe just go out in the woods?

Like, go look for clowns
doing it in the woods,

and ask them if they get paid?

Yeah, but don't get
in the way of their work.

Just ask them, you know,
is this a payed gig?

If it doesn't pay,

but it could get you
really great exposure,

would you be interested?

Now you're thinkin', Martha.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That sounds good. But only go
in the woods at night,

because I think that's when
most of this stuff is happening.

Don't go during the day. You're not
gonna find any clowns or children.

You know what, Chip? I have
to say it's great to see you

so enthusiastic about your career.

Yeah, I don't know how much
of it is enthusiasm, Martha,

versus just... desperation.

I think I'd just like to function
as a normal person for once.

Um, do you want to talk about

what happened in jail,
or where you were?

Well, I got mixed
up with some squatter types,

and, uh, their leader
was a drug addled flautist.

And, uh, I witnessed
his body get snapped in half

on a choo choo train.



I'm gonna look
into some of the parties and...


- The openings and stuff.
- Yeah, that...

This is off to a good start, Martha.


- Baptisms.
- Okay. Got it.

Yeah, but no religious ones.

[Fan blowing]

How much longer will this take?

Uh, hard to say.

Uh, the water damage went pretty deep.

We need to tear the floor open,

check for joist rot.

That smell you're smelling
is a combination of mold and sewage,

so we need to see what we can bleach,

and what we need to toss.

If I were you, I'd rip
up the sub floors...

[Indistinct dialog]


[Indistinct dialog]



Thanks, Mom, for doing this.

It's like you're home from college.

Except you never went to college.

You're still my baby.


[Cell phone chiming]

What have we got?

Hi, Chip, this is Martha.

- Yeah, Martha. Hi.
- Hi.

Are you available this Saturday?

Yes, why?

Well, I might have a job for you.




There you go.

- Hey.
- Hi, Martha.

I haven't gotten any complaints,

so I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say you're a hit.

Oh. Okay, good. So, what's next?

Well, how do you feel about

taking a shift in the dunk tank?

You said shift, right?

- Yeah.
- Well, I mean...

What's the next, you know, job?

- What's the next gig?
- Oh, right.

Well, um, we have this
picnic again next year,

and then I'm still working on the budget

for my birthday party in ten months.

- That's it?
- Well, for right now.

Martha, look, I don't mean to be greedy,

but I can't survive
on two days of work a year.

Trust me, I've tried.

- Okay, well...
- Oh, hi.

- I'll work my contacts and...
- Am I still on the clock here?

- Yeah.
- I can turn one more trick?

- Sure.
- Okay, thank you.

- Oh. All right.
- Thanks, manager.

Hi, little lady. How are you?

There you go.

Woman: Wh... What the hell?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey. Hey. Excuse me.

- Hey.
- Ma'am? Miss?

- My scarves.
- Hey. Who are you?

My name is Baskets, Baskets the Clown.

- Ba... Bassets?
- Baskets.

- With a K.
- Okay, Baskets.

- Nope.
- Should be on there.

Nope. You're not one of mine.

Who sent you, Family
Attractions, Bakersfield Party?

Martha Brooks sent me,
of the Martha Brooks Agency.

Okay, listen.

This is a Friendly Fun
Events, LLC, event. Okay?

Dunk tank, churro cart,

that's all Friendly Fun Events.

All right? I can't have you
just waltzing in here, okay?

I don't know who you are.

It's just that, uh,
my manager, she's a...

- Where is she?
- Okay, listen.

[Sighs] Here's my card.

All right? This is my company.
There's the address.

Why don't you come by and we can talk
about some employment options, yeah?

But I already have a manager.

Doesn't sound like that to me.

Shit, the bouncy castle's sagging.

- Martha!
- Corky!


[Dog barking]

I know. I know.

[Barking, Growling]

Tell her. Tell her.


What's with the barking, huh?

Well, she's telling you. She's saying,

"I'm unhappy I'm not
on the table with my mommy."

- See?
- Oh, for goodness sakes.

Now she's up on the table.

Now she's quiet.

- I wish Dad were here.
- [Laughs]

Can you imagine what Dad would say?


Oh, my God, we'd never
hear the end of it.

- Oh, I shudder to think.
- Oh.

That's why I like being old,

'cause I don't have your father
around to ruin my good time.

Right, little poochie poochie girl?

You're not that old, Mom.

Thank you.

Oh. Go... Uh-oh, she's gonna go.

Go pee on the newspaper, honey.

On the newspaper.

Uh-oh. Too late.

Come here, you little pumpkin.

What's the matter with you?

She's not gonna want
to stay here with us.

I like having her here.

Come on. Be a good girl.

Give Mommy a kiss. Give Mommy a kiss.

Have a kiss.

Okay, great. So can you read me

that policy number
on the back of that card?

[Phone rings]

Um, actually, can you hold
on one second? Sorry.

- [Beeping]
- Costco Home and Auto Insurance,

this is Martha.

Man: Hi, I'm calling for Baskets.

Is this the right number?

Oh, yes, um, you've reached
the right place

for Baskets the Clown.

Okay, but did you say you're
an auto insurance company?

Um, I did say that, but, um, we are, um,

totally legit talent booking agency.

- [Phone ringing]
- What, uh...

Can you hold on one second? Thank you.

- [Beeping]
- Costco Home and Auto Insurance,

can you hold please? Thanks.

- [Beeping]
- Okay, sir...

[Phone rings]

Um, is anyone else
answering phones today?


You the insurance guy?

No. I'm here for a birthday party.

Thank you, though.

Martha: Hey, Chip, um, I'm sorry,

but I think we got our wires crossed.

Oh, really? What makes you think that?

Shoot, here it is.

Yeah, you're supposed to be
at a petting zoo in Oildale.

I think I might have whiplash!

Can I get money for that?

Sir, I'm a clown. I told you I do
not work in the insurance trade.

Actually, I think he can
get money for that.

- Really?
- Yeah, if he has liability.

Do you have liability insurance?

Martha, I do not have time for this.

Well, I'm really sorry this happened,

and I want to say it's never
gonna happen again,

but I don't have a crystal ball.

- [Click]
- Hello?

We've got the mayor's picnic on Sunday.

Oh, we've got an opening
in the Almond Parade tomorrow.

Hm? I don't know how this compares

to work you've been getting, but...

Well, my last gig was, uh...
my last gig was...

Oh, my last gig was a car accident.

Mm. I can get you two,
three days work a week.

That's full time clown work.

No, it's two, three days a week.

Yeah, that's full time.

Full time, part time, yeah.
Two or three days...

Yeah. We're on the same page.

Okay. Well, take a look at this.

This is our standard
performer's contract.

All right? We've added
a 60/40 manager's cut.

- That sound good?
- Yeah, that'll...

It's just, uh...

You know, I'm kind of...

under representation
right now with, uh...

Mm. Martha Brooks.

- Yes.
- Right.

I Googled her.

- Nothing came up.
- Yeah, that's her.

Hm. Google me. And you get this.

- [Whistles] Website.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.

Plus, I'm on Yelp.

- We just got two stars.
- Wow.

So, you want me to...

I'm gonna fire your, uh, friend today.

Okay? And then tomorrow,

you'll be strolling
in the Almond Parade.

- Pays $300 gross.
- Jesus Christ!

With that much money, I could get

my own studio apartment by the airport.

- So how'd it go?
- What's that?

- [Cell phone rings]
- Oh. Hold on a sec.


Yes, this is Martha.



Well, thanks for the call.

That was your new manager, I guess.

She said I'm not your manager anymore.

She said that?

What a bitch?


Ah, David, I found him.
Hey, Luke, happy birthday.


What game are you playing?

It's not, I'm watching "Legos".

Ahh. Cool.

Hey, um, do you remember
that clown we saw

at the rodeo that time?

- Baskets the Clown?
- Yeah.

Well, what would you think if I told you

I could get him to perform

at your birthday party this afternoon?

Would you like that?

Well, do we still get to do
the Super Soakers war?

Yeah, sure, I don't see why not.


[Sighs] Okay. Good.

I'm just gonna draw
up some contracts for you to sign,

and, um, don't worry about the deposit.

I think that's it. Okay, great.

We are in business. Officially.
Happy birthday.

Woman's voice: Please leave
a message after the tone.


Hi, Chip, Martha Brooks here.

Um, we have booked you
a gig for this afternoon,

and it's a great chance
for you to break into

the lucrative world of birthday parties,

and personal appearance
based, fee based, um...

Okay. Uh, just call me
back for the details,

and, uh, bye.

Esther: All right, honey, let's go.

Christine: We just need
a couple more things, Mom.

What? There's so much in there.

We need this for the pee
smell in the house.

- Pee smell.
- It smells like a pee house.

There is no pee smell in my house.

I know you don't smell
it, but I can, Mother,

and other people can, too.

- Well, that's very...
- Let's get these Wee Wee pads.

We don't need wee wee, she's got them.

Honey, those Wee Wee pads
should be thrown out.

No, those are the ones she knows to use.

- Ugh. They smell...
- That's why she uses them.

[Gasps] Oh. Look at that.

Aren't these cards darling?

Put that back, you don't need it.

I have a friend,
I'd like to send him a card.

What friend?

Oh, a man I met in Camarillo.

A man you met? Why
didn't you tell me this?

You met a nice man?

Oh, Mother, you are unbelievable.

Men don't like cards, Christine.

They like hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- That's what they like.
- Oh! Let's go.

♪ [Country] ♪

David. Can I ask you a favor?


♪ [Circus] ♪

Hey, uh, want to help me out?

Oh. Guys, I'm sorry.

I know you were expecting a clown,

and I didn't want to let you down,

but, um, it seems like I did anyway,

and, uh, uh... I guess
that's just what I do.


All right. Um, you guys can start
your Super Soaker war now.


Boy: Yeah! Finally.


Hey, what's happening?

This is part of the parade route, ma'am.
You gotta go around.

What parade? I gotta go through here.

Please, just go around, ma'am.


Oh, guys, I... I gotta...

Uhh, damn it.

Uh, ma'am. Ma'am, what...
Could you please not...


Look, Daddy, a clown.

Uh, oh, uh, lady, I'm not a clown.

Okay? Sorry, I'm just... I'm a woman.


Oh, God.

[Crowd cheering]

Oh, God. Give me a minute, Sheila,

I gotta go talk to another nut.

Martha. What the hell
are you doing here?

Um, I was driving when I got
trapped by this parade,

and then I made a little girl cry.

Yeah, no kidding. Your
make up is a disaster.

You look like a small child
with lipstick issues.

Sheila, this is Martha.

Hi, Sheila.

You know what, Chip? You
never returned my calls

about my nephew's birthday party,

so I had to be your stand in.

And it was really bad.

- I bet.
- Look, Chip,

are you mad at me
because Dale and I had sex?

No, I'm not mad at you.

- You can f...
- [Horn honks]

Whoever you want.

- You know? You can...
- [Horn honks]

my mom if you want.

Okay. Look, I know that I wasn't
the world's greatest manager,

but I really did try my best for you.

Look, Martha, you're not a manager,

you're more of a...

More of a...

More of a... You're more of a friend.


Yeah, I mean...

- sometimes I think you're the...
- [Horn honks]

- You know, sometimes I think your the...
- [Horn honks]

- Sometimes I think you're the...
- [Horn honks]

Can you hold
off on the gahoogas, please?

We're trying to have a conversation.

Thanks, Chip. That's probably like

the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.


God, that's depressing.

- Come on, Sheila.
- Well, listen, I was...

[Horn honks]

Okay, well, never mind.

[TV playing in the background]

Who is this great American inventor?

- Ron Popiel!
- Let's give him a big round of applause.

- He's here today.
- [Applause]

America's inventor, and I'm
proud to call him my friend.

- What are you doing?
- [Screams] Oh!

- I thought you were dead.
- Oh, God, Christine.

- You wish.

Ooh. Oh, Mother.

[Phone rings]

Hello. Huh? What?

Ooh. [Laughs]

Enid won $200 at Keno.

Oh. Tell her I said hi.

I'm with my daughter.

Here, you tell her hi.

- Oh, hi, Enid.
- Hey, Christine.

Esther tells me you got a suitor.

- What?
- [Laughs]

Mother, you're such a gossip.

- That's why we love her.
- Yeah. [Chuckles]

Uh, I met someone, he gave me his card.

- Oh, yeah?
- I haven't used it.

- Oh.
- Don't hold your breath.

This one's still in mourning.

Listen, I waited eight years
after my husband passed

before I started going out again.

Two would have been just fine.

Christine's waited 25 years.

- Holy shit.
- [Laughing]

Well, my family needs me, my boys, I...

I'm busy, I've got a lot
of things going on.

Oh, honey, honey, honey,

you know, you use
your family like a crutch.

I just feel like I should
be there for 'em, and...

what if the twins call? I like to be
available to my children.

I want us all to be happy.

I want you to be happy, Christine.

I want you to go out there,

and do something for yourself, honey.

Those kids are... They're
grown men, come on.

Look at me. Look at the life I led.

I waited on that father of yours,

that awful, awful man, that drunk.

I should have left him.

What did I do? I...
I made excuses for him,

I... I let him do whatever he wanted,

I let him say terrible
things to you kids.

And then when he did die, I thought,

"Oh, my God, why did I do that?"

It was my fault, hangin'
around a poisonous well

just 'cause I didn't want to walk

a few miles to the next one.

- Whoo.
- Well, I think you should

go see this man, Christine.

I got some condoms in the bureau.

Well, he's...
He's all the way in Denver.

Ooh. And you're telling me
that you, of all people,

don't have free miles?

Yeah, I have free miles.

Hey, Martha, can we go to Home Depot?

- Sure.
- Great.

Hey, did you know
that if your index finger,

and your ring finger
are the same length,

it means you're charming?

Or, wait, it's either charming
or schizophrenic.

I can't remember.

What are you doing?

Just chatting.

Isn't that what friends do?

Okay, yeah. Sure. What was it again?

I think it's if your index finger,

- and your ring finger are the same...
- Oh, yeah, right.

Got it. Yeah, I'm schizophrenic.

Well, I guess me, too.

You're schizophrenic. Trust me.

Um... [Chuckles]

- Well...
- I guess we were meant to be friends.

Well, that's nice.

Or sad.


Hi, Meemaw, how are you?

- Hi.
- Hi, Lamb Chop.

Hey, um, I, uh, brought mom
a toilet, 'cause I broke hers.

- Is she here?
- She ain't here, honey.

- Sorry.
- Okay, I wanted her to give it a test.

Where is she?

Woman: [On PA] Ladies and gentlemen,

flight 543 to Denver
will be boarding shortly.