Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 8, Episode 7 - Homeless - full transcript
The precinct is overrun with vagrants on Christmas. A merchant uses a cattle rod as his weapon of choice. A greeting card writer snaps.
HEY, LITTLE LEVITT, WHERE, UM...
WHERE ARE WE PUTTING THESE?
I TAKE IT THAT'S YOUR GIFT
OF LOVE FOR A NEEDY CHILD.
UH-HUH.
I GUESS YOU CAN PUT IT
OVER THERE NEXT TO MINE.
OH.
SO, UH, WHAT EXACTLY
DID YOU SELECT
FOR YOUR LUCKY WRETCHED URCHIN?
IT'S JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING
THAT CAUGHT MY EYE.
OH?
WELL, IT'S, UH...
IT'S A SET OF HAND-PAINTED
MINIATURES IMPORTED FROM GERMANY
DEPICTING THE MARCH
OF THE WOODEN SOLDIERS.
OH, OF COURSE.
WELL, LOOK, I
MEAN, IT'S JUST THAT,
YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW
IT ALL LAID OUT THERE
IN THE STORE WINDOW WITH
THE LITLE GINGERBREAD HOUSES
THE CASTLE AND FOREST,
AND JUST ROW AFTER ROW OF THESE
FINELY DETAILED
DRAGOONS AND FUSILIERS, I...
WELL, I JUST THOUGHT
THAT SOME POOR KID MIGHT
REALLY TREASURE THAT OLD
BAVARIAN CRAFTSMANSHIP
FOR A LIFETIME.
SO, UH... WHAT'S IN HERE?
SAME THING.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON. COME ON.
JUST A LITTLE FURTHER.
HERE WE GO. RIGHT OVER HERE.
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.
I THINK I CAN LET GO
OF YOUR ARM NOW.
ANYTIME YOU'RE READY.
Dietrich: COME ON, BRUNO.
YOU KNOW THE WAY.
COME ON! YOU GOT NOTHING ON ME.
THERE'S NO LAW THAT SAYS A
MAN CAN'T PROTECT HIS STORE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID
THE LAST TIME I BUSTED YOU.
WELL, EXCUSE ME
FOR BEING BORING.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BRUNO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, MILLER, HUH?
YOU CAN'T LET A YEAR GO BY
WITHOUT DRAGGING ME IN HERE?
APPARENTLY NOT.
Wojo: UH, BARN?
BARN, I WANT YOU
TO MEET ED PRATKEN.
- MR. PRATKEN.
- HI, BARN.
UH, ACCORDING TO BRUNO,
WHEN HE OPENED UP HIS
BUSINESS THIS MORNING,
HE FOUND EDWARD IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE CAMPSITE DISPLAY
WITH A SLEEPING
BAG UNDER HIS ARM.
I WAS PUTTING IT BACK.
- YOU WERE RIPPING ME OFF!
- BRUNO!
TAKE IT EASY. WHAT'S
BRUNO BEING ARRESTED FOR?
SAME OLD STUFF...
CRIMINAL POSSESSION
OF A DANGEROUS WEAPON
AND ASSAULT WITH
INTENT TO BARBECUE.
WELL, SEE, WHEN WE GOT THERE,
HE HAD EDWARD ON THE
GROUND, SQUIRMING AROUND.
HE WAS POKING HIM
IN THE RIBS WITH THIS.
IT'S A CATTLE PROD.
I FELT LIKE I WAS
HIT BY LIGHTNING.
COME ON. A COUPLE OF
HUNDRED LOUSY VOLTS.
MY PIGEONS SHRUG THAT OFF.
DIETRICH, TAKE HIS STATEMENT.
THIS WAY, BIRDBRAIN.
ZZZ!
I-I WASN'T TRYING TO
STEAL ANYTHING, HONEST.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
- SLEEPING.
- HMM?
I'M USUALLY UP AND OUT BY 7:30,
BUT I GUESS I FORGOT
TO SET MY ALARM.
YOU TELLING ME YOU'VE
BEEN LIVING IN MY STORE?
ONLY AT NIGHT.
HE CAN'T DO THAT... RIGHT?
NOT ANYMORE.
UH, BARN?
THERE'S A DISTURBANCE IN AN
OFFICE BUILDING OVER ON HOUSTON.
UH, YOU AND LEVITT.
OKAY.
COME ON, LITTLE
BIT. WE GOT A CALL.
THANK YOU.
HEY, CARL, WHAT SHOULD
I DO WITH MY PRESENT?
JUST STICK IT NEXT
TO THE BOX OF NAZIS.
OH!
YOU KNOW, I REALLY
APPRECIATE YOU GUYS
BUSTING ME LIKE THIS
ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
IT'S GONNA LOUSE
UP MY WHOLE DAY.
WHAT WERE YOU GONNA
DO, ZAP SOME CAROLERS?
WHY NOT?
I MEAN, IF THIS NIGHT IS
SUPPOSED TO BE SO SILENT,
WHAT ARE THEY OUT
THERE SINGING FOR?
I DON'T KNOW.
PAULETTE, WHAT
I WAS THINKING IS,
THE WAY THE SNOW'S COMING
DOWN AND EVERYTHING,
IT WOULD JUST BE A LOT COZIER
TO HAVE DINNER AT MY PLACE.
YEAH. OKAY. GOOD.
LOOK, I, UH, I GOT TO GO.
TALK TO YOU LATER.
BYE.
SO... YOU GOT A
PLACE TO LIVE, HUH?
YEAH, I DO.
YOU'RE LUCKY.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, EDWARD,
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
BUT IT SEEMS TO ME THAT...
YOU'D SAVE YOURSELF
A LOT OF TROUBLE
IF YOU CHECKED INTO A
MISSION OR A FLOPHOUSE
OR SLEPT ON THE SUBWAYS.
OH, BUT THAT'S
WHERE THE BUMS LIVE.
I-I'M NOT A BUM.
I MEAN, I GOT A JOB...
AND I DON'T DRINK.
I LIKE TO READ.
REALLY?
YEAH. I-I EVEN HAD
MY OWN LITTLE PLACE...
IT WAS COZY... UNTIL
THEY KICKED ME OUT.
WHO?
I GUESS THE PEOPLE
THAT BOUGHT THE BUILDING.
THEY KICKED EVERYBODY OUT.
OKAY, MR. KELLOG, YOU
WANT TO STEP IN HERE, PLEASE?
WHY NOT? I'M A HAS-BEEN.
WHERE ELSE AM I GONNA GO?
THE LOVE BOAT?
WHAT?
SIR, THIS IS JOSEPH KELLOG.
WE PICKED HIM UP AT THE LOVING
TOUCH GREETING-CARD COMPANY,
RUNNING AMOK AT THEIR
ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY.
I WAS UPSET.
BY THE TIME WE GOT THERE,
MR. KELLOG WAS IN THE
PROCESS OF DECKING THE HALLS
WITH A BARRAGE OF DEVILED
EGGS, WHILE, AT THE SAME TIME,
SUBMERGING KRIS KRINGLE'S HEAD
IN A PUNCH BOWL OF
HIGHLY SPIRITED GROG.
ACTUALLY, I HAD HAD A
GLASS OR TWO MYSELF.
OVERDOING THE HOLIDAYS
A BIT, MR. KELLOG?
NO.
THEY FIRED ME.
I MEAN, I WAS STANDING IN LINE
WAITING FOR SANTA TO GIVE
ME MY CHRISTMAS BONUS,
AND THE FAT SLOB HANDED
ME A SYMPATHY CARD
WITH A PINK SLIP IN IT.
SANTA DID THAT?
WELL, YOU SEE, BARN,
MR. KELLOG WRITES THOSE
LITTLE POETIC MESSAGES
IN GREETING CARDS.
OH, YOU DO?
THEY DON'T GET THERE
BY THEMSELVES, PAL.
I MEAN, I SPENT 25 YEARS
IN THAT DUSTY CUBICLE,
ALONE AT MY DESK,
COMPOSING LYRICAL VERSES
AND BEAUTIFUL RHYMES,
LIKE "MAY THE NEW YEAR
RING IN JOY AND CHEER."
"TO A WONDERFUL WIFE WHO'S
BROUGHT HAPPINESS TO MY LIFE."
"HAVE A NICE DAY."
I WROTE THAT!
SO, YOU'RE THE ONE?
HAVE A SEAT.
GO. RIGHT OVER HERE.
YEAH?
BARN, I FINISHED
PROCESSING PRATKEN.
I CHECKED HIM FOR
PRIORS. HE'S CLEAN.
AND I DON'T THINK HE WAS
TRYING TO STEAL ANYTHING.
OH?
SEE, I CALLED THE DINER WHERE
HE WORKS AS A DISHWASHER.
HE'S GOT A JOB?
HE'S NOT A BUM, BARN.
SORRY.
HIS BOSS SAID
THAT HE MAY BE A FEW
BRICKS SHORT OF A FULL LOAD,
BUT THAT HE'S HONEST AND
HE'S A HARDWORKING PERSON.
OKAY.
BUT PRATKEN TELLS ME THAT
HIM AND ABOUT 50 OTHER PEOPLE
GOT THROWN OUT OF THIS
LITTLE 25-A-WEEK HOTEL
THAT WAS THEIR HOME,
AND NOW THEY'RE ALL
OUT ON THE STREET.
THEY CAN'T FIND ANYPLACE
THEY CAN AFFORD TO LIVE.
PUT YOUR FINGER THERE.
SO IF YOU STOP AND
THINK ABOUT IT, BARN,
IT'S ALL THESE MARGINAL PEOPLE,
YOU KNOW, OUT ON THE STREET,
JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE,
SLEEPING IN
DOORWAYS, TRASH BINS.
WOJO... WHO DID YOU CALL?
THE GUY FROM THE...
FROM THE HUMAN
RESOURCES ADMINISTRATION.
OKAY, GOOD.
DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME, BARN.
EDDIE!
Dietrich: YES? CAN I HELP YOU?
WHERE'S OUR EDDIE?
- WHO?
- EDDIE PRATKEN.
YOU GUYS BUSTED
HIM THIS MORNING.
OH, YEAH, YEAH. ARE
YOU HIS PARENTS?
- SAM!
- EDDIE!
LINDA. I'M... I'M IN JAIL.
DON'T WORRY. WE
ARE GETTING YOU OUT.
- YOU THINK SO?
- OH, SURE!
HEY, GOOFY, WHAT'S
WITH THE REJECTS?
TOILET BACK UP?
HEY, WE WEREN'T TALKING TO YOU.
TAKE A HIKE, SCUZZO.
WATCH YOUR MOUTH, YOU SCUM.
HEY, EVERYBODY. WHAT THE HELL?
I'M IN HERE, AND
THEY'RE OUT THERE.
KNOCK IT OFF,
BRUNO. KNOCK IT OFF.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
THIS IS SAM AND LINDA.
THEY WERE MY NEIGHBORS.
SIR, SUDDENLY WE SEEM TO HAVE
A RATHER UGLY SITUATION
BREWING DOWNSTAIRS.
A CROWD OF NO LESS THAN
25 PATHETIC-LOOKING PEOPLE
HAVE CONVERGED UPON OUR PRECINCT
PROTESTING THE
INCARCERATION OF MR. PRATKEN.
YOU ARREST OUR EDDIE
BECAUSE HE HASN'T GOT A HOME.
YOU ARREST US ALL BECAUSE
WE HAVEN'T GOT A HOME.
IT WASN'T MY IDEA.
LOOK, KOGAN, JUST TRY AND KEEP
THINGS CALM DOWN THERE, OKAY?
BARN, PEOPLE ARE STARTING
TO PILE UP DOWN THERE.
OH, GREAT.
YEAH, THERE'S GOT TO
BE, WHAT, 60 OF THEM?
AT LEAST.
I WAS TALKING TO
THIS PREGNANT WOMAN.
WORD ON THE STREET IS WE'RE
GIVING FREE ROOM AND BOARD.
WHAT?
RUMORS... TRY AND STOP THEM.
- LOOK, MISTER...
- BELINKOFF.
BELINKOFF.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS
ARE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH
BY DISRUPTING THIS PRECINCT.
WE ARE TRYING TO MAKE A POINT.
WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, CAPTAIN,
NOT SOME PILE OF OLD CLOTHES
TO BE THROWN IN THE DUSTBIN
JUST BECAUSE THE
STYLES HAVE CHANGED.
VERY WELL PUT.
I WAS A TAILOR.
HE FIXED THESE PANTS.
WE APPRECIATE YOUR PROBLEM.
WE'VE GOT SOMEBODY COMING
DOWN FROM THE CITY, RIGHT?
HE SAID HE WAS.
WE WILL DO EVERYTHING WE CAN
TO TRY AND RESOLVE
THE SITUATION,
SEE THAT EVERYBODY GETS A PLACE.
WE'LL SEE.
I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU
WOULD COME DOWNSTAIRS WITH ME
AND SEE IF WE CAN GET A HANDLE
ON WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE.
APRÈS VOUS, CAPTAIN.
- DIETRICH, YOU WANT
TO SEE IF MISS, UH...
- LINDA.
LINDA WANTS A CUP OF
COFFEE OR SOMETHING?
Dietrich: SURE.
HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?
JUST GIVE ME THE SUGAR.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE COME WITH
ALL THE GOODIES.
HERE YOU GO, BARN.
WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE?
VENDING MACHINE DOWNSTAIRS.
IT'S A GOOD THING YOU
HAD ALL THOSE QUARTERS.
WELL, WE'LL TALK
ABOUT THAT LATER.
IT'S A PARTY.
UH, YES?
THERE'S NO MORE ROOM
DOWNSTAIRS, SO WE CAME UP HERE.
OH, UM... BARNEY,
COMPANY'S HERE.
UH, SORRY.
YOU WANT TO JUST MAKE YOURSELVES
AT HOME OVER THERE, PLEASE?
YOU CAN, UH, YOU CAN
SIT HERE WITH ME, DEAR.
I DON'T WANT TO.
OH.
I'M LOOKING FOR MY
HUSBAND, BRUNO BENDER.
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
EVERYONE SAYS THAT.
HEY, NAOMI.
OH, BRUNO.
WHY AREN'T YOU
WATCHING THE STORE?
OH.
WELL, WHEN I HEARD
YOU WERE IN JAIL,
I JUST DECIDED TO CLOSE.
YOU WHAT?!
CAN I HELP YOU?
I'M HOWARD WECKLER, NEW YORK
HUMAN RESOURCES ADMINISTRATION.
OH, YOU'RE JUST A
BUNCH OF DO-NOTHINGS.
WE'VE TALKED, RIGHT?
I TAKE IT YOU'RE HERE IN REGARD
TO ALL OF THE LONELY PEOPLE.
I GUESS SO.
SIR, CITY'S HERE...
A MR. WECKLER.
OH, HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.
THIS IS SERGEANT WOJCIEHOWICZ.
YES, I THINK I SPOKE
TO ONE OF YOU.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T
NOTICED, MR. WECKLER,
THERE ARE ABOUT 100 PEOPLE
WANDERING AROUND THE STATION
HOUSE WHO HAVE NO PLACE TO LIVE.
IS THAT ALL?
CAPTAIN, AT LAST
COUNT, OUR DEPARTMENT
PUTS THE NUMBER OF
HOMELESS IN THIS CITY AT 50,000.
50,000?
YOU TELLING ME THAT THERE'S
A WHOLE ARMY OF THESE BOZOS
- ROAMING AROUND OUT THERE?
- YES.
AND YOU AIN'T DOING
NOTHING ABOUT IT?
WELL, W-W-WE ARE MAKING
EVERY EFFORT, AND...
WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?
BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO
BE A TAXPAYER, SPORT.
BRUNO, PLEASE, YOUR HEART.
HEY, I'M TALKING HERE!
SHEESH!
YOU KNOW, I-I COULD
HAVE LEFT AT NOON.
MY OFFICE.
SHEESH!
- EXCUSE ME, MRS. BENDER.
- YES?
IF YOU WANT TO TAKE CARE
OF YOUR HUSBAND'S BAIL,
JUST GO DOWNSTAIRS
AND SEE SERGEANT KOGAN.
OH, THANK YOU.
BE RIGHT BACK, BRUNO.
TAKE YOUR TIME. I'M HAVING FUN.
YES? CAN I HELP YOU?
ARTHUR MINCH,
LOVING TOUCH
GREETING CARDS, INC.,
WISHING FOR A MOST
JOYOUS HOLIDAY SEASON
TO YOU AND YOURS.
WHY, THANK YOU. GUY
YOU CANNED IS IN THE CAGE.
OH, GOOD.
HELLO, KELLOG.
MINCH.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
PINK SLIP IN A SYMPATHY CARD.
THAT'S JUST YOUR STYLE.
COME HERE, YOU SICK,
TOO-PATHETIC PILE OF DOGMEAT!
YAH!
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM, KELLOG?
WASN'T SANTA GOOD TO YOU?
WHAT, WITH RAMPANT UNEMPLOYMENT,
THE CITY CLAMPING
DOWN ON WELFARE,
PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITALS
ALL OF A SUDDEN
GOING NUTS OVER WHO'S
CRAZY ENOUGH TO GET IN...
THESE FACTORS ONLY SERVE
TO AGGRAVATE OUR PROBLEM
AND DUMP EVEN MORE OF THESE
PEOPLE OUT ON THE STREET.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH
MR. BELINKOFF AND MR. PRATKEN,
WHO WERE SIMPLY KICKED
OUT OF THEIR ROOMS?
NOTHING.
THEY'RE JUST VICTIMS OF J-51.
WHICH IS?
- THE CITY'S NEW
TAX-ABATEMENT PROGRAM.
- OH.
IT'S ALL PART OF NEW YORK'S PLAN
TO REVITALIZE OLD NEIGHBORHOODS.
YOU SEE, WITH HEFTY
TAX INCENTIVES IN HAND,
REAL-ESTATE DEVELOPERS
STARTED TO BUY UP
DILAPIDATED PROPERTIES,
SEEDY HOTELS, FLOPHOUSES,
ET CETERA, MANY WITH A
SPLENDID VIEW OF THE RIVER,
THEN GUT THEM, REFURBISH THEM,
AND TURN THEM INTO
CONTEMPORARY CONDOMINIUMS
AT 250 GRAND A POP.
APPARENTLY, THE CITY
FORGET ABOUT ALL THOSE
WHO WERE CUT
LOOSE IN THE PROCESS.
A QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS.
WHO THE HELL CAN AFFORD THAT?
- YEAH, WELL...
- I KNOW I CAN'T.
EVERY NIGHT, I GOT TO SLOG HOME
TO THAT LEAKY CRACKER
BOX UP IN BRIDGEPORT.
BACKYARD LOOKING
LIKE A RAT'S NEST.
GARAGE IS ABOUT TO COLLAPSE.
MY WIFE KEEPS HARPING ON
ME TO PANEL THE BASEMENT.
MR. WECKLER, WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE OUT
THERE AND THEIR PROBLEMS.
- OH, RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
WELL... WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?
HERE YOU GO, EDDIE.
OH. THANKS, LINDA.
SO, YOU STILL
WORKING AT THE DINER?
YEAH. I'M DOING REAL GOOD.
HARRY SAYS MAYBE IN
A COUPLE OF MONTHS
HE'LL MAKE ME A BUS BOY,
THEN I'LL EVEN GET TO SHARE
TIPS WITH THE WAITRESS.
HEY, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
UH, SO... YOU STILL ON HEROIN?
NO, I QUIT.
THAT'S GREAT.
YOU QUIT HOOKING, TOO?
YEAH. PRETTY MUCH.
GUESS MAYBE I GOT
TWO THINGS OFF MY BACK.
THAT WAS KIND OF CUTE.
GENTLEMEN.
WELL?
WELL, MR. WECKLER?
- WE'RE STILL THINKING.
- OH!
- UH, BARNEY.
- YEAH?
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
I THOUGHT MAYBE
I'D MAKE A FEW CALLS.
YEAH?
THE MISSIONS ARE ALL FULL UP,
AND THE SALVATION ARMY IS
BOOKED SOLID FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
WONDERFUL.
ACTUALLY, EVERYONE SEEMS
PRETTY WELL SETTLED
IN AROUND HERE.
LET ME MAKE A FEW CALLS.
EXCUSE ME.
ARE YOU THE ONE IN
CHARGE OF THIS MADNESS?
RIGHT. CAPTAIN MILLER.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
ARTHUR MINCH, LOVING
TOUCH GREETING CARDS, INC.
OH, YEAH, OF COURSE.
WATCH HIM. HE'S POISONOUS.
WELL, STICKS AND STONES...
HOWEVER, CAPTAIN, THE POINT
IS, THE GREETING CARD INDUSTRY
HAS GONE THROUGH
A BIT OF A CATHARSIS.
WHERE ONCE OUR MAINSTAY
WAS THE SENTIMENTAL SLOP
AND TURGID JINGLES AT WHICH
MR. KELLOG WAS SO ADEPT,
THE MARKETS HAVE NOW SPLINTERED,
AND WE'VE BECOME
MORE SPECIALIZED...
HUMOR AND PORNOGRAPHY,
CARDS FOR SINGLES AND GAYS,
RELIGIOUS AND ETHNIC
GROUPS, HOSTAGES.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?
I'M... NOT QUITE SURE.
AT ANY RATE, WHERE DO I SIGN?
THIS IS THE COMPLAINT.
GO AHEAD. SIGN IT.
SHOW THEM WHAT KIND OF
A SNAKE YOU REALLY ARE.
OKAY.
YOU WON'T CATCH ME BUYING
ONE OF YOUR STINKING CARDS.
ME, NEITHER.
I WRITE MY OWN.
WELL, WHOOP-DE-DO.
WELL, CAPTAIN, IF
THERE'S NOTHING MORE...
UH, NO, I GUESS
THAT'S IT, MR. MINCH.
- HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- THANK YOU.
CAPTAIN! GOOD NEWS.
UNFORTUNATELY, OUR ARMORY IN
BROOKLYN IS FILLED TO CAPACITY.
HOWEVER, I DID
MANAGE TO SCRAPE UP
AN OLD CORRECTIONAL
FACILITY IN THE CATSKILLS.
IT SHOULD ACCOMMODATE
EVERYONE NICELY.
CATSKILLS?
OF COURSE, YOU'LL ALL HAVE TO
PROVIDE YOUR OWN TRANSPORTATION.
WAIT A MINUTE.
CAPTAIN, IT'S ALL ACADEMIC.
I JUST GOT OFF THE
PHONE WITH DISPATCH.
- THE CITY'S SNOWED IN.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
NOTHING'S MOVING. CARS, BUSES.
THEY'RE STARTING TO
SLEEP AT GRAND CENTRAL.
EVEN THE TRAINS
AREN'T GETTING OUT.
WHAT?
BUT... I LIVE IN CONNECTICUT.
NOT TONIGHT.
OH, GOD!
I GOT IT, BRUNO.
IT'S ABOUT TIME.
- CAN WE GO NOW?
- SURE, YOU CAN.
CAPTAIN, THIS IS NAOMI
BENDER, BRUNO'S WIFE.
REALLY?
WE WERE MARRIED JUST LAST MONTH.
OH, IT WASN'T IN THE PAPERS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
ALL RIGHT, BRUNO, YOU'RE OUT.
I'LL GET YOUR STUFF.
SEE YA, BRUNO.
IT WAS NICE SLEEPING
IN YOUR STORE.
YEAH, SURE.
OH, BRUNO, WON'T THIS BE NICE?
OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER...
JUST YOU AND ME, SNOWED IN,
A BIG TURKEY STUFFED
WITH SAUERKRAUT,
JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.
Barney: HERE YOU GO, BRUNO.
HEY, UH, MILLER, WHY
DON'T YOU JUST TURN
MR. POTATO HEAD
LOOSE OVER THERE, OKAY?
ARE YOU TELLING ME
YOU'RE DROPPING CHARGES?
WELL, HE WASN'T TRYING TO
STEAL NOTHING, RIGHT, EDDIE?
YEAH.
OKAY.
YOU'RE FREE TO GO, EDDIE.
THAT'S GREAT.
WHERE AM I GOING?
I DON'T KNOW, EDDIE.
HE'S COMING HOME WITH ME.
HE IS?
I AM?
WHY NOT?
I MEAN, THE LITTLE LADY'S
GONNA BE SPENDING HALF THE
NIGHT IN THE KITCHEN, ANYWAY.
I GOT MY CHOO-CHOO
SET UP IN THE DEN.
SO WHY DON'T YOU AND
PRINCESS GRACE HERE
JUST HEAD ON OVER?
UNLESS YOU GOT SOME OTHER IDEAS.
I CAN'T EVEN GET A CAB.
YOU SURE IT'S OKAY
WITH YOUR WIFE?
HEY, SURE, IT IS, RIGHT, TOOTS?
OH, YES. I'D LIKE THAT.
NO ONE'S EVER BEEN OVER.
WHAT ABOUT SAM?
EDDIE, GO AHEAD
AND ENJOY YOURSELF.
WE ALL WILL BE FINE RIGHT HERE.
WON'T WE, CAPTAIN?
OH, UH... HEY, THAT'S
THE SPIRIT, MILLER.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
Wojo: DID ANYONE REMEMBER
TO UNPLUG THE COFFEE?
Dietrich: YEAH, I DID.
Barney: OH. THANKS.
Harris: COME ON,
WHO TOOK MY PILLOW?
Barney: GOOD NIGHT, HARRIS.
Wojo: MERRY CHRISTMAS, BARN.
Barney: SAME TO YOU, WOJ.
Dietrich: I USUALLY
SLEEP IN THE NUDE.
Barney: THANK YOU, DIETRICH.
Sam: GOOD NIGHT, MR. RECKLER.
Reckler: REAL FUNNY.
Levitt: MERRY CHRISTMAS, SIR.
Barney: GOOD NIGHT, LEVITT.
WHERE ARE WE PUTTING THESE?
I TAKE IT THAT'S YOUR GIFT
OF LOVE FOR A NEEDY CHILD.
UH-HUH.
I GUESS YOU CAN PUT IT
OVER THERE NEXT TO MINE.
OH.
SO, UH, WHAT EXACTLY
DID YOU SELECT
FOR YOUR LUCKY WRETCHED URCHIN?
IT'S JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING
THAT CAUGHT MY EYE.
OH?
WELL, IT'S, UH...
IT'S A SET OF HAND-PAINTED
MINIATURES IMPORTED FROM GERMANY
DEPICTING THE MARCH
OF THE WOODEN SOLDIERS.
OH, OF COURSE.
WELL, LOOK, I
MEAN, IT'S JUST THAT,
YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW
IT ALL LAID OUT THERE
IN THE STORE WINDOW WITH
THE LITLE GINGERBREAD HOUSES
THE CASTLE AND FOREST,
AND JUST ROW AFTER ROW OF THESE
FINELY DETAILED
DRAGOONS AND FUSILIERS, I...
WELL, I JUST THOUGHT
THAT SOME POOR KID MIGHT
REALLY TREASURE THAT OLD
BAVARIAN CRAFTSMANSHIP
FOR A LIFETIME.
SO, UH... WHAT'S IN HERE?
SAME THING.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON. COME ON.
JUST A LITTLE FURTHER.
HERE WE GO. RIGHT OVER HERE.
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.
I THINK I CAN LET GO
OF YOUR ARM NOW.
ANYTIME YOU'RE READY.
Dietrich: COME ON, BRUNO.
YOU KNOW THE WAY.
COME ON! YOU GOT NOTHING ON ME.
THERE'S NO LAW THAT SAYS A
MAN CAN'T PROTECT HIS STORE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID
THE LAST TIME I BUSTED YOU.
WELL, EXCUSE ME
FOR BEING BORING.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BRUNO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, MILLER, HUH?
YOU CAN'T LET A YEAR GO BY
WITHOUT DRAGGING ME IN HERE?
APPARENTLY NOT.
Wojo: UH, BARN?
BARN, I WANT YOU
TO MEET ED PRATKEN.
- MR. PRATKEN.
- HI, BARN.
UH, ACCORDING TO BRUNO,
WHEN HE OPENED UP HIS
BUSINESS THIS MORNING,
HE FOUND EDWARD IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE CAMPSITE DISPLAY
WITH A SLEEPING
BAG UNDER HIS ARM.
I WAS PUTTING IT BACK.
- YOU WERE RIPPING ME OFF!
- BRUNO!
TAKE IT EASY. WHAT'S
BRUNO BEING ARRESTED FOR?
SAME OLD STUFF...
CRIMINAL POSSESSION
OF A DANGEROUS WEAPON
AND ASSAULT WITH
INTENT TO BARBECUE.
WELL, SEE, WHEN WE GOT THERE,
HE HAD EDWARD ON THE
GROUND, SQUIRMING AROUND.
HE WAS POKING HIM
IN THE RIBS WITH THIS.
IT'S A CATTLE PROD.
I FELT LIKE I WAS
HIT BY LIGHTNING.
COME ON. A COUPLE OF
HUNDRED LOUSY VOLTS.
MY PIGEONS SHRUG THAT OFF.
DIETRICH, TAKE HIS STATEMENT.
THIS WAY, BIRDBRAIN.
ZZZ!
I-I WASN'T TRYING TO
STEAL ANYTHING, HONEST.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
- SLEEPING.
- HMM?
I'M USUALLY UP AND OUT BY 7:30,
BUT I GUESS I FORGOT
TO SET MY ALARM.
YOU TELLING ME YOU'VE
BEEN LIVING IN MY STORE?
ONLY AT NIGHT.
HE CAN'T DO THAT... RIGHT?
NOT ANYMORE.
UH, BARN?
THERE'S A DISTURBANCE IN AN
OFFICE BUILDING OVER ON HOUSTON.
UH, YOU AND LEVITT.
OKAY.
COME ON, LITTLE
BIT. WE GOT A CALL.
THANK YOU.
HEY, CARL, WHAT SHOULD
I DO WITH MY PRESENT?
JUST STICK IT NEXT
TO THE BOX OF NAZIS.
OH!
YOU KNOW, I REALLY
APPRECIATE YOU GUYS
BUSTING ME LIKE THIS
ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
IT'S GONNA LOUSE
UP MY WHOLE DAY.
WHAT WERE YOU GONNA
DO, ZAP SOME CAROLERS?
WHY NOT?
I MEAN, IF THIS NIGHT IS
SUPPOSED TO BE SO SILENT,
WHAT ARE THEY OUT
THERE SINGING FOR?
I DON'T KNOW.
PAULETTE, WHAT
I WAS THINKING IS,
THE WAY THE SNOW'S COMING
DOWN AND EVERYTHING,
IT WOULD JUST BE A LOT COZIER
TO HAVE DINNER AT MY PLACE.
YEAH. OKAY. GOOD.
LOOK, I, UH, I GOT TO GO.
TALK TO YOU LATER.
BYE.
SO... YOU GOT A
PLACE TO LIVE, HUH?
YEAH, I DO.
YOU'RE LUCKY.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, EDWARD,
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
BUT IT SEEMS TO ME THAT...
YOU'D SAVE YOURSELF
A LOT OF TROUBLE
IF YOU CHECKED INTO A
MISSION OR A FLOPHOUSE
OR SLEPT ON THE SUBWAYS.
OH, BUT THAT'S
WHERE THE BUMS LIVE.
I-I'M NOT A BUM.
I MEAN, I GOT A JOB...
AND I DON'T DRINK.
I LIKE TO READ.
REALLY?
YEAH. I-I EVEN HAD
MY OWN LITTLE PLACE...
IT WAS COZY... UNTIL
THEY KICKED ME OUT.
WHO?
I GUESS THE PEOPLE
THAT BOUGHT THE BUILDING.
THEY KICKED EVERYBODY OUT.
OKAY, MR. KELLOG, YOU
WANT TO STEP IN HERE, PLEASE?
WHY NOT? I'M A HAS-BEEN.
WHERE ELSE AM I GONNA GO?
THE LOVE BOAT?
WHAT?
SIR, THIS IS JOSEPH KELLOG.
WE PICKED HIM UP AT THE LOVING
TOUCH GREETING-CARD COMPANY,
RUNNING AMOK AT THEIR
ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY.
I WAS UPSET.
BY THE TIME WE GOT THERE,
MR. KELLOG WAS IN THE
PROCESS OF DECKING THE HALLS
WITH A BARRAGE OF DEVILED
EGGS, WHILE, AT THE SAME TIME,
SUBMERGING KRIS KRINGLE'S HEAD
IN A PUNCH BOWL OF
HIGHLY SPIRITED GROG.
ACTUALLY, I HAD HAD A
GLASS OR TWO MYSELF.
OVERDOING THE HOLIDAYS
A BIT, MR. KELLOG?
NO.
THEY FIRED ME.
I MEAN, I WAS STANDING IN LINE
WAITING FOR SANTA TO GIVE
ME MY CHRISTMAS BONUS,
AND THE FAT SLOB HANDED
ME A SYMPATHY CARD
WITH A PINK SLIP IN IT.
SANTA DID THAT?
WELL, YOU SEE, BARN,
MR. KELLOG WRITES THOSE
LITTLE POETIC MESSAGES
IN GREETING CARDS.
OH, YOU DO?
THEY DON'T GET THERE
BY THEMSELVES, PAL.
I MEAN, I SPENT 25 YEARS
IN THAT DUSTY CUBICLE,
ALONE AT MY DESK,
COMPOSING LYRICAL VERSES
AND BEAUTIFUL RHYMES,
LIKE "MAY THE NEW YEAR
RING IN JOY AND CHEER."
"TO A WONDERFUL WIFE WHO'S
BROUGHT HAPPINESS TO MY LIFE."
"HAVE A NICE DAY."
I WROTE THAT!
SO, YOU'RE THE ONE?
HAVE A SEAT.
GO. RIGHT OVER HERE.
YEAH?
BARN, I FINISHED
PROCESSING PRATKEN.
I CHECKED HIM FOR
PRIORS. HE'S CLEAN.
AND I DON'T THINK HE WAS
TRYING TO STEAL ANYTHING.
OH?
SEE, I CALLED THE DINER WHERE
HE WORKS AS A DISHWASHER.
HE'S GOT A JOB?
HE'S NOT A BUM, BARN.
SORRY.
HIS BOSS SAID
THAT HE MAY BE A FEW
BRICKS SHORT OF A FULL LOAD,
BUT THAT HE'S HONEST AND
HE'S A HARDWORKING PERSON.
OKAY.
BUT PRATKEN TELLS ME THAT
HIM AND ABOUT 50 OTHER PEOPLE
GOT THROWN OUT OF THIS
LITTLE 25-A-WEEK HOTEL
THAT WAS THEIR HOME,
AND NOW THEY'RE ALL
OUT ON THE STREET.
THEY CAN'T FIND ANYPLACE
THEY CAN AFFORD TO LIVE.
PUT YOUR FINGER THERE.
SO IF YOU STOP AND
THINK ABOUT IT, BARN,
IT'S ALL THESE MARGINAL PEOPLE,
YOU KNOW, OUT ON THE STREET,
JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE,
SLEEPING IN
DOORWAYS, TRASH BINS.
WOJO... WHO DID YOU CALL?
THE GUY FROM THE...
FROM THE HUMAN
RESOURCES ADMINISTRATION.
OKAY, GOOD.
DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME, BARN.
EDDIE!
Dietrich: YES? CAN I HELP YOU?
WHERE'S OUR EDDIE?
- WHO?
- EDDIE PRATKEN.
YOU GUYS BUSTED
HIM THIS MORNING.
OH, YEAH, YEAH. ARE
YOU HIS PARENTS?
- SAM!
- EDDIE!
LINDA. I'M... I'M IN JAIL.
DON'T WORRY. WE
ARE GETTING YOU OUT.
- YOU THINK SO?
- OH, SURE!
HEY, GOOFY, WHAT'S
WITH THE REJECTS?
TOILET BACK UP?
HEY, WE WEREN'T TALKING TO YOU.
TAKE A HIKE, SCUZZO.
WATCH YOUR MOUTH, YOU SCUM.
HEY, EVERYBODY. WHAT THE HELL?
I'M IN HERE, AND
THEY'RE OUT THERE.
KNOCK IT OFF,
BRUNO. KNOCK IT OFF.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
THIS IS SAM AND LINDA.
THEY WERE MY NEIGHBORS.
SIR, SUDDENLY WE SEEM TO HAVE
A RATHER UGLY SITUATION
BREWING DOWNSTAIRS.
A CROWD OF NO LESS THAN
25 PATHETIC-LOOKING PEOPLE
HAVE CONVERGED UPON OUR PRECINCT
PROTESTING THE
INCARCERATION OF MR. PRATKEN.
YOU ARREST OUR EDDIE
BECAUSE HE HASN'T GOT A HOME.
YOU ARREST US ALL BECAUSE
WE HAVEN'T GOT A HOME.
IT WASN'T MY IDEA.
LOOK, KOGAN, JUST TRY AND KEEP
THINGS CALM DOWN THERE, OKAY?
BARN, PEOPLE ARE STARTING
TO PILE UP DOWN THERE.
OH, GREAT.
YEAH, THERE'S GOT TO
BE, WHAT, 60 OF THEM?
AT LEAST.
I WAS TALKING TO
THIS PREGNANT WOMAN.
WORD ON THE STREET IS WE'RE
GIVING FREE ROOM AND BOARD.
WHAT?
RUMORS... TRY AND STOP THEM.
- LOOK, MISTER...
- BELINKOFF.
BELINKOFF.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS
ARE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH
BY DISRUPTING THIS PRECINCT.
WE ARE TRYING TO MAKE A POINT.
WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, CAPTAIN,
NOT SOME PILE OF OLD CLOTHES
TO BE THROWN IN THE DUSTBIN
JUST BECAUSE THE
STYLES HAVE CHANGED.
VERY WELL PUT.
I WAS A TAILOR.
HE FIXED THESE PANTS.
WE APPRECIATE YOUR PROBLEM.
WE'VE GOT SOMEBODY COMING
DOWN FROM THE CITY, RIGHT?
HE SAID HE WAS.
WE WILL DO EVERYTHING WE CAN
TO TRY AND RESOLVE
THE SITUATION,
SEE THAT EVERYBODY GETS A PLACE.
WE'LL SEE.
I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU
WOULD COME DOWNSTAIRS WITH ME
AND SEE IF WE CAN GET A HANDLE
ON WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE.
APRÈS VOUS, CAPTAIN.
- DIETRICH, YOU WANT
TO SEE IF MISS, UH...
- LINDA.
LINDA WANTS A CUP OF
COFFEE OR SOMETHING?
Dietrich: SURE.
HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?
JUST GIVE ME THE SUGAR.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE COME WITH
ALL THE GOODIES.
HERE YOU GO, BARN.
WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE?
VENDING MACHINE DOWNSTAIRS.
IT'S A GOOD THING YOU
HAD ALL THOSE QUARTERS.
WELL, WE'LL TALK
ABOUT THAT LATER.
IT'S A PARTY.
UH, YES?
THERE'S NO MORE ROOM
DOWNSTAIRS, SO WE CAME UP HERE.
OH, UM... BARNEY,
COMPANY'S HERE.
UH, SORRY.
YOU WANT TO JUST MAKE YOURSELVES
AT HOME OVER THERE, PLEASE?
YOU CAN, UH, YOU CAN
SIT HERE WITH ME, DEAR.
I DON'T WANT TO.
OH.
I'M LOOKING FOR MY
HUSBAND, BRUNO BENDER.
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
EVERYONE SAYS THAT.
HEY, NAOMI.
OH, BRUNO.
WHY AREN'T YOU
WATCHING THE STORE?
OH.
WELL, WHEN I HEARD
YOU WERE IN JAIL,
I JUST DECIDED TO CLOSE.
YOU WHAT?!
CAN I HELP YOU?
I'M HOWARD WECKLER, NEW YORK
HUMAN RESOURCES ADMINISTRATION.
OH, YOU'RE JUST A
BUNCH OF DO-NOTHINGS.
WE'VE TALKED, RIGHT?
I TAKE IT YOU'RE HERE IN REGARD
TO ALL OF THE LONELY PEOPLE.
I GUESS SO.
SIR, CITY'S HERE...
A MR. WECKLER.
OH, HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.
THIS IS SERGEANT WOJCIEHOWICZ.
YES, I THINK I SPOKE
TO ONE OF YOU.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T
NOTICED, MR. WECKLER,
THERE ARE ABOUT 100 PEOPLE
WANDERING AROUND THE STATION
HOUSE WHO HAVE NO PLACE TO LIVE.
IS THAT ALL?
CAPTAIN, AT LAST
COUNT, OUR DEPARTMENT
PUTS THE NUMBER OF
HOMELESS IN THIS CITY AT 50,000.
50,000?
YOU TELLING ME THAT THERE'S
A WHOLE ARMY OF THESE BOZOS
- ROAMING AROUND OUT THERE?
- YES.
AND YOU AIN'T DOING
NOTHING ABOUT IT?
WELL, W-W-WE ARE MAKING
EVERY EFFORT, AND...
WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?
BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO
BE A TAXPAYER, SPORT.
BRUNO, PLEASE, YOUR HEART.
HEY, I'M TALKING HERE!
SHEESH!
YOU KNOW, I-I COULD
HAVE LEFT AT NOON.
MY OFFICE.
SHEESH!
- EXCUSE ME, MRS. BENDER.
- YES?
IF YOU WANT TO TAKE CARE
OF YOUR HUSBAND'S BAIL,
JUST GO DOWNSTAIRS
AND SEE SERGEANT KOGAN.
OH, THANK YOU.
BE RIGHT BACK, BRUNO.
TAKE YOUR TIME. I'M HAVING FUN.
YES? CAN I HELP YOU?
ARTHUR MINCH,
LOVING TOUCH
GREETING CARDS, INC.,
WISHING FOR A MOST
JOYOUS HOLIDAY SEASON
TO YOU AND YOURS.
WHY, THANK YOU. GUY
YOU CANNED IS IN THE CAGE.
OH, GOOD.
HELLO, KELLOG.
MINCH.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
PINK SLIP IN A SYMPATHY CARD.
THAT'S JUST YOUR STYLE.
COME HERE, YOU SICK,
TOO-PATHETIC PILE OF DOGMEAT!
YAH!
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM, KELLOG?
WASN'T SANTA GOOD TO YOU?
WHAT, WITH RAMPANT UNEMPLOYMENT,
THE CITY CLAMPING
DOWN ON WELFARE,
PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITALS
ALL OF A SUDDEN
GOING NUTS OVER WHO'S
CRAZY ENOUGH TO GET IN...
THESE FACTORS ONLY SERVE
TO AGGRAVATE OUR PROBLEM
AND DUMP EVEN MORE OF THESE
PEOPLE OUT ON THE STREET.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH
MR. BELINKOFF AND MR. PRATKEN,
WHO WERE SIMPLY KICKED
OUT OF THEIR ROOMS?
NOTHING.
THEY'RE JUST VICTIMS OF J-51.
WHICH IS?
- THE CITY'S NEW
TAX-ABATEMENT PROGRAM.
- OH.
IT'S ALL PART OF NEW YORK'S PLAN
TO REVITALIZE OLD NEIGHBORHOODS.
YOU SEE, WITH HEFTY
TAX INCENTIVES IN HAND,
REAL-ESTATE DEVELOPERS
STARTED TO BUY UP
DILAPIDATED PROPERTIES,
SEEDY HOTELS, FLOPHOUSES,
ET CETERA, MANY WITH A
SPLENDID VIEW OF THE RIVER,
THEN GUT THEM, REFURBISH THEM,
AND TURN THEM INTO
CONTEMPORARY CONDOMINIUMS
AT 250 GRAND A POP.
APPARENTLY, THE CITY
FORGET ABOUT ALL THOSE
WHO WERE CUT
LOOSE IN THE PROCESS.
A QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS.
WHO THE HELL CAN AFFORD THAT?
- YEAH, WELL...
- I KNOW I CAN'T.
EVERY NIGHT, I GOT TO SLOG HOME
TO THAT LEAKY CRACKER
BOX UP IN BRIDGEPORT.
BACKYARD LOOKING
LIKE A RAT'S NEST.
GARAGE IS ABOUT TO COLLAPSE.
MY WIFE KEEPS HARPING ON
ME TO PANEL THE BASEMENT.
MR. WECKLER, WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE OUT
THERE AND THEIR PROBLEMS.
- OH, RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
WELL... WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?
HERE YOU GO, EDDIE.
OH. THANKS, LINDA.
SO, YOU STILL
WORKING AT THE DINER?
YEAH. I'M DOING REAL GOOD.
HARRY SAYS MAYBE IN
A COUPLE OF MONTHS
HE'LL MAKE ME A BUS BOY,
THEN I'LL EVEN GET TO SHARE
TIPS WITH THE WAITRESS.
HEY, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
UH, SO... YOU STILL ON HEROIN?
NO, I QUIT.
THAT'S GREAT.
YOU QUIT HOOKING, TOO?
YEAH. PRETTY MUCH.
GUESS MAYBE I GOT
TWO THINGS OFF MY BACK.
THAT WAS KIND OF CUTE.
GENTLEMEN.
WELL?
WELL, MR. WECKLER?
- WE'RE STILL THINKING.
- OH!
- UH, BARNEY.
- YEAH?
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
I THOUGHT MAYBE
I'D MAKE A FEW CALLS.
YEAH?
THE MISSIONS ARE ALL FULL UP,
AND THE SALVATION ARMY IS
BOOKED SOLID FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
WONDERFUL.
ACTUALLY, EVERYONE SEEMS
PRETTY WELL SETTLED
IN AROUND HERE.
LET ME MAKE A FEW CALLS.
EXCUSE ME.
ARE YOU THE ONE IN
CHARGE OF THIS MADNESS?
RIGHT. CAPTAIN MILLER.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
ARTHUR MINCH, LOVING
TOUCH GREETING CARDS, INC.
OH, YEAH, OF COURSE.
WATCH HIM. HE'S POISONOUS.
WELL, STICKS AND STONES...
HOWEVER, CAPTAIN, THE POINT
IS, THE GREETING CARD INDUSTRY
HAS GONE THROUGH
A BIT OF A CATHARSIS.
WHERE ONCE OUR MAINSTAY
WAS THE SENTIMENTAL SLOP
AND TURGID JINGLES AT WHICH
MR. KELLOG WAS SO ADEPT,
THE MARKETS HAVE NOW SPLINTERED,
AND WE'VE BECOME
MORE SPECIALIZED...
HUMOR AND PORNOGRAPHY,
CARDS FOR SINGLES AND GAYS,
RELIGIOUS AND ETHNIC
GROUPS, HOSTAGES.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?
I'M... NOT QUITE SURE.
AT ANY RATE, WHERE DO I SIGN?
THIS IS THE COMPLAINT.
GO AHEAD. SIGN IT.
SHOW THEM WHAT KIND OF
A SNAKE YOU REALLY ARE.
OKAY.
YOU WON'T CATCH ME BUYING
ONE OF YOUR STINKING CARDS.
ME, NEITHER.
I WRITE MY OWN.
WELL, WHOOP-DE-DO.
WELL, CAPTAIN, IF
THERE'S NOTHING MORE...
UH, NO, I GUESS
THAT'S IT, MR. MINCH.
- HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- THANK YOU.
CAPTAIN! GOOD NEWS.
UNFORTUNATELY, OUR ARMORY IN
BROOKLYN IS FILLED TO CAPACITY.
HOWEVER, I DID
MANAGE TO SCRAPE UP
AN OLD CORRECTIONAL
FACILITY IN THE CATSKILLS.
IT SHOULD ACCOMMODATE
EVERYONE NICELY.
CATSKILLS?
OF COURSE, YOU'LL ALL HAVE TO
PROVIDE YOUR OWN TRANSPORTATION.
WAIT A MINUTE.
CAPTAIN, IT'S ALL ACADEMIC.
I JUST GOT OFF THE
PHONE WITH DISPATCH.
- THE CITY'S SNOWED IN.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
NOTHING'S MOVING. CARS, BUSES.
THEY'RE STARTING TO
SLEEP AT GRAND CENTRAL.
EVEN THE TRAINS
AREN'T GETTING OUT.
WHAT?
BUT... I LIVE IN CONNECTICUT.
NOT TONIGHT.
OH, GOD!
I GOT IT, BRUNO.
IT'S ABOUT TIME.
- CAN WE GO NOW?
- SURE, YOU CAN.
CAPTAIN, THIS IS NAOMI
BENDER, BRUNO'S WIFE.
REALLY?
WE WERE MARRIED JUST LAST MONTH.
OH, IT WASN'T IN THE PAPERS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
ALL RIGHT, BRUNO, YOU'RE OUT.
I'LL GET YOUR STUFF.
SEE YA, BRUNO.
IT WAS NICE SLEEPING
IN YOUR STORE.
YEAH, SURE.
OH, BRUNO, WON'T THIS BE NICE?
OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER...
JUST YOU AND ME, SNOWED IN,
A BIG TURKEY STUFFED
WITH SAUERKRAUT,
JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.
Barney: HERE YOU GO, BRUNO.
HEY, UH, MILLER, WHY
DON'T YOU JUST TURN
MR. POTATO HEAD
LOOSE OVER THERE, OKAY?
ARE YOU TELLING ME
YOU'RE DROPPING CHARGES?
WELL, HE WASN'T TRYING TO
STEAL NOTHING, RIGHT, EDDIE?
YEAH.
OKAY.
YOU'RE FREE TO GO, EDDIE.
THAT'S GREAT.
WHERE AM I GOING?
I DON'T KNOW, EDDIE.
HE'S COMING HOME WITH ME.
HE IS?
I AM?
WHY NOT?
I MEAN, THE LITTLE LADY'S
GONNA BE SPENDING HALF THE
NIGHT IN THE KITCHEN, ANYWAY.
I GOT MY CHOO-CHOO
SET UP IN THE DEN.
SO WHY DON'T YOU AND
PRINCESS GRACE HERE
JUST HEAD ON OVER?
UNLESS YOU GOT SOME OTHER IDEAS.
I CAN'T EVEN GET A CAB.
YOU SURE IT'S OKAY
WITH YOUR WIFE?
HEY, SURE, IT IS, RIGHT, TOOTS?
OH, YES. I'D LIKE THAT.
NO ONE'S EVER BEEN OVER.
WHAT ABOUT SAM?
EDDIE, GO AHEAD
AND ENJOY YOURSELF.
WE ALL WILL BE FINE RIGHT HERE.
WON'T WE, CAPTAIN?
OH, UH... HEY, THAT'S
THE SPIRIT, MILLER.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
Wojo: DID ANYONE REMEMBER
TO UNPLUG THE COFFEE?
Dietrich: YEAH, I DID.
Barney: OH. THANKS.
Harris: COME ON,
WHO TOOK MY PILLOW?
Barney: GOOD NIGHT, HARRIS.
Wojo: MERRY CHRISTMAS, BARN.
Barney: SAME TO YOU, WOJ.
Dietrich: I USUALLY
SLEEP IN THE NUDE.
Barney: THANK YOU, DIETRICH.
Sam: GOOD NIGHT, MR. RECKLER.
Reckler: REAL FUNNY.
Levitt: MERRY CHRISTMAS, SIR.
Barney: GOOD NIGHT, LEVITT.