Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 8, Episode 22 - Landmark: Part 3 - full transcript

Everyone drops by to pay their last respects as the detectives prepare for new assignments. Harris contemplates resignation when he's assigned to Flushing Meadows. Barney recalls departed friends before he turns out the lights for the final time.

HEY, BARN.

HOW'S IT GOING?

WELL, I GOT MY DESK CLEANED UP.

A LOT OF STUFF PILES UP
IN SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS.

A LOT OF MEMORIES, TOO.

YEAH.

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

IT'S WALLACE LOWELL, BARN.

HE'S A CREW FOREMAN,
CONSOLIDATED EDISON.

MR. LOWELL, I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

WHAT'S THIS WORLD COMING TO?



WHAT HAPPENED?

SOMEONE STOLE ONE OF
MR. LOWELL'S MANHOLE COVERS.

YEAH, WHEN I GOT TO
WORK THIS MORNING,

IT WAS GONE, AND
THAT AIN'T THE FIRST.

YES, THIS MAKES THE 15th
MANHOLE COVER STOLEN

IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS.

RIGHT. GOT IT.

BARN, ALARM WENT OFF...
DRUG COMPANY ON HOUSTON.

OH?

HMM?

YOU AND WOJO.

BUT I WANTED TO WORK ON THE
MANHOLE COVERS WITH RONNIE.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL PUT A LID ON IT.

HO HO HO HO.



IT'S THE LAST DAY. I
WANT TO USE THEM UP.

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DON'T FORGET YOUR AQUA VELVA.

I WAS GONNA LEAVE
IT FOR THE NEXT GUY.

HOW THOUGHTFUL.

ANYWAY, BARN, I'VE BEEN, UH...

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
THIS MANHOLE-COVER CASE.

YEAH?

YEAH, THE POSSIBLE MOTIVES
ARE RATHER INTRIGUING.

I MEAN, IT COULD JUST BE SOME
DISGRUNTLED CITY EMPLOYEE

WHO EITHER GOT
FIRED OR LAID OFF.

THAT'S POSSIBLE.

IT ALSO OCCURRED TO ME
THAT IT MIGHT BE SOME GUY

WITH A PSYCHOSEXUAL HANG-UP...

YOU KNOW, A FIXATION
ON ROUND OBJECTS

WITH HEAVY-METAL OVERTONES.

THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING.

OH, GOD, I HOPE SO.

THOUSANDS AND
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.

WELL, TALK FAST.

WE GOT TO BE OUT
OF HERE BY 6:00.

Wojo: HEY, BARN.

WHAT DO WE GOT?

THIS IS CARL EBLING.

WE PICKED HIM UP IN ONE
OF THE RESEARCH LABS

OVER AT WILLARD PHARMACEUTICALS.

HE WAS TRYING TO
MAKE OFF WITH THIS.

HE SAYS IT'S A BOX OF CULTURES.

THEY'RE MINE. I
GREW THEM MYSELF.

THERE'S TWO YEARS
OF WORK IN THERE.

SEE, WE KEEP THEM IN
DRY ICE SO THEY WON'T DIE.

SEE, HE SAYS THAT HE'S
CLOSE TO DEVELOPING A DRUG

THAT WILL CURE THIS DISEASE.

MYOCLONUS. IT'S A NEUROLOGICAL
MUSCULAR DISORDER.

- YOU FAMILIAR WITH IT?
- NO.

OF COURSE NOT. ONLY
50,000 PEOPLE HAVE IT.

BUT THAT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH
FOR WILLARD PHARMACEUTICAL,

NOT A BIG ENOUGH
MARKET FOR THEM.

THEY'RE ONLY AFTER
THE BIG BUCKS...

DIET PILLS, TRANQUILIZERS.

IF I CAME UP WITH A PILL FOR
HERPES, THEY'D KISS ME FOR IT.

WELL, I'M AFRAID WE'RE
GONNA HAVE TO HOLD YOU.

HAVE A SEAT, MR. EBLING.

DON'T YOU PEOPLE CARE?

WE'RE NOT
UNSYMPATHETIC, MR. EBLING,

BUT, UH... YOU CAUGHT
US AT A BAD TIME.

YEAH. SORRY.

HAVE A SEAT, PLEASE.

SURE.

OLÉ!

♪ TALL AND TAN,
YOUNG AND HANDSOME ♪

♪ THE BOY FROM
IPANEMA GOES DANCING ♪

♪ AND WHEN... ♪ HA HA!

HIYA, BOYS. LOOK
WHO'S BACK, HUH?

WELL, LOOK AT THE HONEYMOONER.

WE DIDN'T EXPECT TO
SEE YOU BACK SO SOON.

OH, WELL, I WASN'T ABOUT TO
MISS THE LAST GASP OF THE OLD 1-2.

BARN, IT'S, UH... DOWNTOWN.

I'LL TAKE IT IN MY OFFICE.

YEAH, SURE.

HE'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

SO, INSPECTOR, HOW
WERE THE POCONOS?

POCONOS? OH, NO,
WE DIDN'T GO, HAR.

- OH?
- NAH.

PERLITA WANTED TO GO SOMEPLACE
MORE LIKE HOME, YOU KNOW?

SO I TOOK HER TO HAITI.

AH. CLUB MED?

HMM?

UH, EXCUSE ME.

YEAH, RIGHT. GOT IT.

THAT WAS DISPATCH.

SOME JERK'S TRYING TO MAKE OFF

WITH A MANHOLE
COVER OVER ON LIBERTY.

OH, UH, COME ON.
LET'S GO, LEVITT.

WHAT'S THE RUSH?

I SAID MOVE.

LEVINE.

WHERE'S HARRIS AND LEVITT?

OH, THEY WENT OUT ON A
MANHOLE-COVER CAPER.

SO WHAT DO YOU GOT?

I GOT OUR TRANSFER ORDERS.

OKAY, WHERE ARE WE GOING?

DIETRICH, 34th PRECINCT,
WASHINGTON HEIGHTS.

HARRIS, 107th PRECINCT,
FLUSHING MEADOWS.

WOJCIEHOWICZ,
ROOSEVELT ISLAND...

K-9 CORPS.

LEVITT, 73rd PRECINCT, BROOKLYN.

SO MUCH FOR CARPOOLING.

I DON'T WANT TO
JOIN THE K-9 CORPS.

WOJO.

I THOUGHT...

I THOUGHT THEY WERE
GONNA KEEP US TOGETHER.

JUST MOVE US TO A NICER BUILDING

WITH ELECTRIC TYPEWRITERS
AND A VIEW OUT THE AIR SHAFT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.

- I WAS WRONG.
- OH, REALLY?

GENTLEMEN.

I THINK WE'RE OVERLOOKING
THE REAL PROBLEM HERE.

WHAT?

WHO TELLS HARRIS HE'S
GOING TO FLUSHING MEADOWS?

OH...

EXCUSE ME, IS THIS THE
DETECTIVE SQUAD ROOM?

Dietrich: YEAH.

COME ON. YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK.

I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.
CAN I HELP YOU?

YES, I'M WARREN GIMBLE,
WILLARD PHARMACEUTICAL.

I'M HERE IN REGARD TO
OUR FORMER MR. EBLING.

SO THEY SENT YOU, HUH, WARREN?

JUST COULDN'T LEAVE WELL
ENOUGH ALONE, COULD YOU, CARL?

THERE ARE 50,000 PEOPLE

THAT AREN'T WELL
ENOUGH TO BE LEFT ALONE!

I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO RESPOND TO THAT.

OH, YEAH, SURE!

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM.

WANT TO HAVE A SEAT, MR. GIMBLE?

SERGEANT WOJCIEHOWICZ WILL
GIVE YOU A COMPLAINT TO SIGN,

AND MR. EBLING WILL
BE REMANDED FOR TRIAL.

TRIAL?

YEAH, MY TRIAL, WHERE I
LET THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW

THAT WILLARD PHARMACEUTICAL
DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN!

WE DO GIVE A DAMN.

THAT'S WHY WE MAY CONSIDER
NOT PRESSING CHARGES.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING
OFF THAT EASY.

IF YOU WANT ME TO KEEP QUIET,

I WANT SOME COOPERATION
ON THIS THING, WARREN.

I TOLD YOU, CARL, IT'S
JUST TOO BIG A GAMBLE.

BUT IF SOMEONE DOESN'T
TAKE THE GAMBLE, GIMBLE,

MORE PEOPLE ARE
GONNA GET THIS STUFF.

THAT'S TRUE.

SURE. WHY, BY THE TIME
THEY GET IT PAST THE FDA

AND OUT ON THE MARKET,
WE COULD HAVE AN EPIDEMIC.

- HEY!
- HEY!

IT COULD BE.

I MEAN, WITH A LITTLE LUCK

AND ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION
BEING WHAT IT IS,

WE'D PROBABLY AT
LEAST BREAK EVEN,

MAYBE EVEN MAKE A FEW DOLLARS.

LET'S KEEP A GOOD THOUGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU BACK AT THE LAB,
AND BRING THOSE CULTURES.

WOJO, YOU WANT TO
TURN MR. EBLING LOOSE?

SURE. WHY NOT?

COME ON. YOU...

YOU TALK ABOUT HOW... HOW
WE DON'T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.

WANT TO PICK UP YOUR STUFF?

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS.

WE MAY JUST HAVE SAVED
THOUSANDS OF LIVES.

STILL GOT TO GO TO K-9 CORPS.

PROBABLY GET STUCK
WITH SOME OLD BITCH.

GET OUT OF MY WAY.
I'VE GOT MOMENTUM.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON,
JACKSON. JUST KEEP MOVING.

HEY, NO BIG DEAL.

YEAH, I KNOW THAT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

BARN, THIS IS MELVIN JACKSON.

WE CAUGHT UP WITH HIM ABOUT
FOUR BLOCKS FROM THE INTERSECTION,

CARRYING THAT THING
IN A SHOPPING CART.

HE ALREADY ADMITTED
TO STEALING THE OTHER 15.

WHY?

HE SELLS THEM TO JUNK DEALERS.

YEAH, THEY GIVE ME 12
BUCKS APIECE FOR THEM.

REALLY?

HEY, BUT THIS GUY KEEPS
ON ASKING ME QUESTIONS

LIKE IT'S GOT SOMETHING
TO DO WITH MY SEX LIFE.

I MEAN, WHAT CAN
YOU GET FOR $12?

HEY, TAKE A SEAT,
RIGHT OVER THERE.

AIN'T NO BIG THING.

YEAH, RIGHT. COME ON.

- HARRIS.
- HMM?

OUR NEW ASSIGNMENTS CAME DOWN.

OH, UH, REALLY?

YOU'RE GOING TO
THE 107th PRECINCT.

FLUSHING MEADOWS.

OH, COME ON, REALLY.

REPORT TO CAPTAIN RUSSO.

I QUIT.

HARRIS.

BARNEY, LOOK... I
DO NOT NEED THIS.

I MEAN, I DO NOT
NEED THESE YAHOOS

WITH THEIR MANHOLE COVERS,

AND I CERTAINLY DO
NOT NEED QUEENS.

I MEAN, I AM AN ATTRACTIVE
AND TALENTED INDIVIDUAL.

AND IF THAT'S WHAT
THEY'RE GONNA DO,

THEN NOW'S THE TIME
FOR ME TO DUMP THIS JOB

AND DO WHAT I WAS
MEANT TO DO... WRITE!

THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL?

THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL.

THEN THAT'S WHAT I
THINK YOU SHOULD DO.

MY CULTURE IS DYING.

YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

WELL, WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE OUT BY 6:00.

I GOT A FEW THINGS TO DROP OFF.

I SHOULD BE HOME BY... 6:30.

NO.

NO, DON'T MAKE ANYTHING SPECIAL.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU THEN. BYE.

BARN, I THINK YOU
BETTER COME OUT HERE.

OH, THERE HE IS.

SURPRISE, CAPTAIN!

- HEY, BARN!
- HI, CAPTAIN!

HELLO, EVERYONE.

HELLO...

AND GOODBYE, CAPTAIN.

MARTY. MR. DRISCOLL.

CAPTAIN.

BRUNO. MRS. BENDER.

RAY! GOOD TO SEE YOU, RAY.

- MR. BELINKOFF.
- OH!

OH, MR. ROTH.

CAPTAIN!

YEAH, YEAH.

DOES HE LOOK SURPRISED?

YESSIREE, BOB.

MR. DUNCAN.

HI.

I'M OUT ON BAIL.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS
GOING ON, MILLER, HUH?

WE'RE HERE TO SAY
THANKS FOR DESERTING US.

TAKE IT EASY, BRUNO.

HEY!

CAPTAIN, WE JUST
WANTED TO STOP BY

AND SAY THANKS TO ALL OF
YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE,

NOT JUST FOR MARTY
AND MYSELF... EXCUSE ME.

BUT FOR THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!

AMEN.

HEY, BUTCH UP.

SHOW HIM WHAT WE BROUGHT.

OH, YEAH, SURE.
JUST GIVE ME A SEC.

HEY, UH, I'M REALLY GONNA
MISS YOU GUYS... SORT OF.

OH, ISN'T THAT GORGEOUS?

I HAD THIS THING LAYING
AROUND MY STORE.

BOWLING?

YEAH.

READ THE INSCRIPTION, BRUNO.

- YOU TELLING ME WHAT TO DO?
- I'M JUST SUGGESTING!

I'LL READ IT.

"TO THE MEN OF
THE 12th PRECINCT...

"CAPTAIN BARNEY MILLER,
SERGEANT RONALD HARRIS,

SERGEANT ARTHUR DIETRICH,
SERGEANT STANLEY WOJCIEHOWICZ.

THANKS."

WE RAN OUT OF ROOM.

SO WHAT?

UH, LISTEN, I THINK IT'S GREAT.

I REALLY THINK IT'S GREAT.
THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

- ALL RIGHT!
- OKAY!

AS LONG AS YOU'RE ALL
HERE, LET'S HAVE A PARTY.

THERE'S COFFEE FOR EVERYBODY.

HAVING A LITTLE
BON VOYAGE PARTY?

AHA, AND YOU WORE
YOUR PARTY HAT.

WELL, WHAT BRINGS
YOU DOWN, LIEUTENANT?

I KNOW IT'S YOUR LAST DAY.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D
DROP BY AND SAY HELLO

AND SHARE A FEW
MEMORIES WITH YOU GUYS.

BOWLING?

WHY NOT?

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, SCANLON?

HEY, I'M NOT EXACTLY A STRANGER
AROUND HERE, YOU KNOW...

I MEAN, ALWAYS DROPPING
IN, SNOOPING AROUND,

TRYING TO GET YOU GUYS
ON IMPROPER CONDUCT...

INSUBORDINATION...
MORAL TURPITUDE...

GRAFT...

CORRUPTION.

HEY, WE'VE HAD A LOT OF
GOOD TIMES TOGETHER, HUH?

I'M REALLY GONNA
MISS THEM, SCANLON.

YEAH, SURE.

HEY, DON'T LET ME INTRUDE.

CERTAINLY NOT.

ANYWAY... I GUESS I'LL
JUST HEAD BACK DOWNTOWN.

NICE OF YOU TO DROP IN.

OH, AND BEFORE I
FORGET TO MENTION IT...

MY HEARTIEST CONGRATULATIONS
ON MAKING DEPUTY INSPECTOR.

WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT?

YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

NO, I DIDN'T.

HEY, BARN.

All: CONGRATULATIONS!

ALL RIGHT, BARN!

AND I HAD TO BE
THE ONE TO TELL HIM?

I THINK THEY MEAN IT.

IT'S GETTING ABOUT THAT TIME.

IF YOU GUYS GOT ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO CLEAN UP,

BETTER GET AT IT.

YEAH, SURE.

INSPECTOR, YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, YEAH. FINE, BARNEY, FINE.

JUST GOT A LITTLE
MISTY-EYED, YOU KNOW,

RELIVING SOME OF
THEM GOLDEN MOMENTS

FROM YEARS GONE BY.

YOU KNOW, BARNEY, IT
SEEMS JUST LIKE YESTERDAY

I WAS SITTING HERE,
ME AND FORRESTER...

KLEINER... OLD BROWNIE.

OH, GOD, BARNEY.

I DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED!

I CAN'T KEEP UP.

MAIL CALL!

SHE CAME IN THE MAIL.

Barney: WELL, IF IT
ISN'T MRS. LUGER.

HELLO, SWEETHEART.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

THANK YOU.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT.

QUITE ALL RIGHT,
QUITE ALL RIGHT.

ARE YOU JUST ABOUT
READY TO GO, FRANK?

IN A MINUTE, SWEETHEART.

HERE... FOR THE LIVING ROOM.

BARNEY, HERE'S YOUR
OFFICIAL ORDERS FOR YOUR MEN,

AND THAT'S FOR YOU, LEVINE.

FOR THE LAST TIME,
INSPECTOR LUGER,

IT'S LEVITT... OFFICER
CARL E. LEVITT.

CORRECTION.

SERGEANT CARL E. LEVITT.

PARDON ME?

YOU'RE TO REPORT
TO CAPTAIN MURTAUGH,

DETECTIVE SQUAD, 73rd PRECINCT.

YES, SIR.

THANK YOU, SIR.

ALL RIGHT, LEVITT.
CONGRATULATIONS.

THANKS, HARRIS. THANK YOU, SIR.

- WOJ.
- CONGRATULATIONS, CARL.

BARN, I, UH...

I GUESS THERE'S NOT MUCH
LEFT TO SAY, EXCEPT, UH...

GENTLEMEN...

I SALUTE YOU.

THANKS A LOT, INSPECTOR.

GOODBYE, CAPTAIN MILLER.
GOODBYE, EVERYBODY.

PLEASE COME TO SEE US SOMETIME.

YEAH, YEAH. YES, YES.

YEAH, PLEASE COME
AND SEE US SOMETIME.

WELL, GENTLEMEN...

ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS...

THE 12th PRECINCT
HAS CEASED TO EXIST.

I CAN TAKE A HINT.

YOU COMING WITH US?

UH, NO.

I GOT SOME THINGS TO CLEAN UP.

OH, OKAY.

WELL, LOOK, EVERYBODY, TAKE
CARE OF YOURSELVES, HUH?

WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS.

SHOULD WE, UH... SHOULD
WE TRY THAT AGAIN?

THERE'S REALLY
NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.

WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, YOU'RE ALWAYS
DECIDING STUFF FOR US.

I MEAN, MAYBE I GOT
SOMETHING TO SAY.

OKAY.

SAY IT.

WELL, LET ME THINK A MINUTE.

WHILE WOJO'S THINKING, UH...

I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT, UM...

I MEAN, COME ON, COPS GET
TRANSFERRED ALL THE TIME.

I MEAN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

BUT I-I-I THINK IT'S BEEN
DIFFERENT WITH US.

SOMETHING REALLY
SPECIAL HAPPENED HERE.

I DON'T KNOW IF I
EVER MENTIONED THIS...

BUT I WAS RAISED BY WOLVES.

THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS FELT
KIND OF FUNNY AROUND PEOPLE.

BUT YOU GUYS MADE ME FEEL
LIKE I WAS PART OF SOMETHING.

AND I LOVE YOU GUYS.

THANK YOU, ARTHUR.

OKAY, I'M READY.

UH... WE'RE NOT
GETTING SPLIT UP.

I MEAN, WE'RE...

WE'RE GOING TO DIFFERENT PLACES,

AND... AND WE MAY NOT
SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

BUT I THINK EACH OF US

GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL
FROM EACH OTHER.

AND WE'RE GONNA NURTURE IT

AND... CARRY IT WITH US
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

GOD, HE IS SO MUCH IMPROVED.

MY, YES.

BYE, BARN.

GOOD LUCK, BARNEY.

CAPTAIN... I, UH...

GOODBYE, SIR.

COME ON, LITTLE SERGEANT.

HEY, PUERTORRIQUEÑO, MAN.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE PUERTO RICAN.

BECAUSE YOU'RE SO EMBARRASSING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE
WHEN I HEAR SOMEBODY SCREAMING

"HELP! POLICE! CALL THE COPS!
SOMEBODY'S GETTING KILLED!"

AND I FIND A PUERTO RICAN

BEATING THE HELL
OUT OF SOME WHITEY?

LIKE I OUGHT TO PULL
OUT MY PIECE AND SAY,

"HOLD ON, THERE,
HANDS IN THE AIR.

POLICE OFFICER," BECAUSE
I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

YES, BERNICE, I REALIZE
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

SINCE WE'RE MARRIED
WE'VE SLEPT APART.

THE CHANGE WILL DO US BOTH GOOD.

Wentworth: YOU DIDN'T ROB
THAT THEATER, DID YOU?

YES, I DID. I GIVE YOU MY WORD.

HOW MUCH... HOW
MUCH DID YOU GET?

- $268.
- WRONG!

$312?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?

WENTWORTH.

YOU'RE A...

Barney: YOU GONNA
USE THAT WATER?

IT'S RAINWATER, THE
BEST KIND THERE IS.

SOME PEOPLE WASH
THEIR HAIR IN IT.

IT'S JUST COME
THROUGH THE CEILING,

THAT MOLDY,
TERMITE-INFESTED CEILING.

THAT FILTERS OUT THE IMPURITIES.

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