Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 7, Episode 20 - The Vests - full transcript

GENTLEMEN, YOUR MORNING MAIL,

INTERDEPARTMENTAL CHAZERAI,

AND THE GIFT OF LIFE.

WHAT IS IT?

THE BULLETPROOF VESTS
HAVE FINALLY ARRIVED.

OH, GOOD.

WEREN'T THOSE ORDERED
ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO?

SO THEY'RE A LITTLE EARLY.

I DON'T WANT TO WEAR MINE.

COME ON, YOU HAVEN'T
EVEN TRIED IT ON YET.

AH. FOR WORK OR PLAY.



WELL, I WILL ADMIT

THEY'RE NOT UP TO YOUR
NORMAL SARTORIAL STANDARDS,

BUT, UH... IT COULD
SAVE YOUR LIFE.

WELL...

MAYBE I COULD JUST WALK
BEHIND SOMEONE ELSE

WHO'S WEARING ONE.

THING IS, BARN, I'VE
WORN THEM BEFORE.

AND THEY'RE HEAVY.
AND THEY'RE... THEY'RE...

YOU CAN'T MOVE AROUND IN THEM.

YOU CAN ONLY SWEAT LIKE A PIG.

SERGEANT, THEY'VE
BEEN REDESIGNED.

THE VESTS HAVE BEEN
DOWNSIZED FOR '81.

YEAH?

SHOULD I PUT IT ON, SIR?



YEAH, GO AHEAD.

THE, UH...

THE ATTRACTIVE VELCRO
STRAPS FASTEN EASILY...

CREATING A SECURE
YET COMFORTABLE FIT,

ALLOWING FOR MAXIMUM
FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT

YET COMPLETE
PERSONAL PROTECTION,

WHETHER IN THE OFFICE,
IN THE CAR, OR ON THE GO,

MAKING THAT REALLY
IMPORTANT COLLAR.

IT WAS IN THE BROCHURE.

SO DO WE HAVE TO WEAR THEM?

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THEM.

THEY'RE NOT MANDATORY.

BUT THEY DO MAKE
VERY GOOD SENSE.

WHY DON'T YOU PASS
OUT THE REST OF THEM?

- THAT'S IT, SIR.
- WHAT?

ALL THE REST OF THE
VESTS HAVEN'T ARRIVED YET.

SO FOR THE TIME BEING YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO SHARE THIS ONE.

OH, GREAT.

GOT IT.

UH, BARN, THAT WAS AN
OFFICE BUILDING OVER ON 6th.

THEY GOT A GUY WITH A GUN.

ALL RIGHT, YOU AND WOJO. I'LL
CALL DISPATCH FOR A BACKUP.

RIGHT.

SO YOU GUYS WANT TO USE THIS?

- NAH.
- NAH.

- OH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, WE'LL WORK
IT OUT IN THE CAR.

- SIR.
- HMM?

I MANAGED A SLIGHT REALLOCATION.

OH, GOOD.

FOUR DETECTIVES, FOUR VESTS.

GOOD WORK, LEVITT.

AND YOU STILL HAD ENOUGH
TO GO AROUND DOWNSTAIRS.

UH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, SIR.

DOES EVERYONE
DOWNSTAIRS HAVE A VEST?

YOU'RE DETECTIVES. YOU
DESERVE THE FIRST CRACK AT LIVING.

LEVITT, HOW MANY VESTS
HAVE YOU GOT DOWNSTAIRS?

FIVE VESTS.

- FOR 36 COPS?
- THAT'S OKAY, SIR.

WE'RE GOING TO ROTATE
THEM AMONG THE MARRIED MEN.

WITH CHILDREN.

LOOK, UH, I... I DON'T
REALLY NEED ONE.

TAKE THEM DOWNSTAIRS.

SIR, YOU'RE THE CAPTAIN.

YOU HAVE TO SET AN EXAMPLE.

I'M AWARE OF THAT, BUT I...

I HARDLY GO OUT
ON CALLS ANYMORE.

THAT'S TRUE. BUT YOU DO GO
OUT FOR YOUR PAPER EVERY DAY,

AND THERE'S A LOT OF WEIRDOS

THAT HANG OUT AT
THOSE NEWSSTANDS.

- LEVITT...
- I'D FEEL BETTER.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON
INSIDE, MR. THOMPSON.

EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

THE SWEAT AND TOIL
OF YOUR IMAGINATION

ISN'T BEING RAPED AND PLUNDERED.

- BARN.
- MM-HMM.

THIS IS ARTHUR THOMPSON...

TRESPASSING AND DESTRUCTION
OF PRIVATE PROPERTY.

HEY, THAT LOOKS NICE.

BARN, COULD WE GET
ON WITH THIS, PLEASE?

EXCUSE ME.

WE PICKED HIM UP IN AN
OFFICE OVER ON 6th, BARN.

IT WAS A COMPANY
CALLED INVENTREX.

A BUNCH OF THIEVES.

HE WAS THREATENING THE
RECEPTIONIST WITH THIS .22.

I TRIED CALLING, BUT NO
ONE WAS EVER IN FOR ME.

THEY'RE TOO BUSY
STEALING MY INSPIRATION.

INSPIRATION?

MR. THOMPSON IS AN INVENTOR.

I HAVE OVER 115
PATENTS... PENDING.

SEE, APPARENTLY, PEOPLE
TAKE THEIR IDEAS TO INVENTREX,

AND THEN INVENTREX
CHARGES THEM A FEE

TO MARKET AND DEVELOP IT.

MR. THOMPSON SAYS
THEY'RE TRYING TO CHEAT HIM.

IT'S NOTHING NEW.

REMEMBER THE GUY WHO
INVENTED THAT SCREWDRIVER?

DEPARTMENT STORE GAVE
HIM A COUPLE OF BUCKS,

THEN THEY MADE A
FORTUNE FOR THEMSELVES.

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN TO ME.

I TAKE IT THAT'S,
UH... HIS INVENTION.

OH, THE CONTENTS OF THIS BAG

WILL CHANGE THE LIVES
OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.

WHAT IS IT?

SHOW HIM.

THIS WILL BE ONE OF THE
GREATEST BOONS TO MANKIND

SINCE PENICILLIN.

WHAT IS IT?

TAN-ALERT.

RIGHT.

YOU TAKE IT WITH YOU
WHEN YOU GOT TO THE BEACH

OR WHEN YOU LAY OUT ON THE ROOF.

YOU SEE...

YOU ATTACH THESE
SENSORS TO YOUR FOREHEAD,

YOUR STOMACH, YOUR LEGS,
AND OTHER EXPOSED AREAS.

THEN YOU SET THIS DIAL
FOR SKIN TOLERANCE.

THEN, EVEN IF YOU FALL ASLEEP,

THE WARNING BOX BUZZES WHEN
YOU'RE IN DANGER OF SUNBURNING.

I KNOW WHAT'S GOING
THROUGH EVERYBODY'S MIND...

"WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?"

I COULD KICK MYSELF.

HARRIS, YOU WANT TO TAKE
CARE OF MR. THOMPSON?

OH, THANK YOU, BARNEY.

MR. THOMPSON, YOU WANT TO
TAKE A SEAT OVER HERE, PLEASE?

GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN.

- INSPECTOR.
- INSPECTOR.

BANG BANG, YOU'RE DEAD, HAR.

DIDN'T HAVE YOUR VEST ON.

OH. THAT'LL TEACH ME.

YEAH. NO, YOU SHOULD REALLY
WEAR IT ALL THE TIME, HAR.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SOME LUNATIC

MIGHT COME RIGHT
THROUGH THAT DOOR.

NOT UNLESS YOU CALL FIRST.

WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN, INSPECTOR?

HUH? OH, HI, BARNEY.

OH, YEAH.

WELL, I SEE THE BLUE KNIGHTS
GOT THEIR SUITS OF ARMOR, HUH?

OH, YEAH, THEY WERE
DELIVERED TODAY.

YEAH, THE DEPARTMENT'S
REALLY PUSHING THEM, BARN.

HOPEFULLY, THEY'LL
SAVE SOME LIVES.

OH, YEAH, SURE.

I REMEMBER A COUPLE OF YEARS
BACK, A COP OVER IN QUEENS.

HE WAS WEARING A VEST.

HE WALKS IN ON A 10-30
IN PROGRESS, YOU KNOW?

SO THE GUY LETS HIM HAVE IT...

SIX SHOTS, POINT-BLANK
RANGE, RIGHT IN THE CHEST.

NEVER EVEN LEFT A BRUISE.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

BUT THEN THE THUG
TAKES THE EMPTY GUN,

HE THROWS IT AT HIM, HITS
HIM RIGHT IN THE TEMPLE.

DROPPED DEAD ON THE SPOT.

THANK YOU FOR SHARING
THAT WITH US, INSPECTOR.

AH, FORGET IT, BARN. IT
WAS A FREAK ACCIDENT.

ONE IN A MILLION, YOU KNOW?
COULD HAPPEN TO ANYBODY.

BUT THE BIG BRASS DOWNTOWN
WOULD LIKE YOU FELLAS

TO WEAR YOUR VESTS AT ALL TIMES.

PERSONALLY, I THINK IF A
BULLET'S GOT YOUR NAME ON IT,

IT'S GONNA FIND YOU, NO
MATTER WHAT YOU'RE WEARING.

SO WHAT BRINGS YOU
DOWN, INSPECTOR, HMM?

OH. OH, YEAH.

I COME DOWN TO GET A LITTLE
INFO ON YOU GUYS FOR MY FILES.

Wojo: WHAT FOR?

OH, YOU KNOW, FOR THE
TV, THE MEDIA, NEWSPAPERS.

IN CASE ONE OF YOU SHOULD
DO ANYTHING HEROIC, YOU KNOW,

LIKE PULL A KID OUT
OF A BURNING BUILDING

OR MAYBE RESCUE A HOSTAGE,

THE PUBLIC'S GONNA WANT TO
KNOW A LITTLE MORE ABOUT YOU.

I SEE.

AND IF IT COMES TO THE WORST,

WE'RE GONNA WANT TO
KNOW ABOUT YOU, TOO.

HOW MANY YOU LEFT BEHIND.

THE ADDRESS FOR
THE MEMORIAL FUND.

STUFF LIKE THAT, BARN.

I'M SURE WE'LL ALL BE
THRILLED TO COOPERATE.

GOOD. THANKS, BARN.

I THOUGHT WE'D
GO ALPHABETICALLY.

UH... ARTHUR.

WE'LL START OFF
WITH YOU, HUH, D.D.?

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
A SEAT, INSPECTOR?

THANK YOU.

THIS OUGHT TO WORK.

PENCIL.

I THOUGHT WE'D
KICK IT OFF, D.D.,

BY FINDING OUT A LITTLE
ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD.

IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES,
IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES.

HEY, HOLD IT, HOLD
IT. NOT SO FAST.

BEST... BEST OF TIMES...

AND BY MY LATE TEENS,

THE WRITINGS OF
SCHOPENHAUER AND KANT

BEGAN TO DOMINATE MY
EPISTEMOLOGICAL OUTLOOK,

ALMOST TO THE POINT OF EXCLUDING

THE CONSIDERATION OF
ANY OTHER VIEWPOINT,

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF
CERTAIN APHORISMS OF NIETZSCHE.

I ASKED YOU IF YOU HAD ANY PETS.

ANT FARM.

GOOD.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TROUBLE.

GOT ENOUGH HERE FOR A NOVEL.

ANYTIME, INSPECTOR.

OKAY, I THINK I'M
READY FOR YOU NOW.

UH, RIGHT, INSPECTOR.

UH, HERE YOU GO. I THINK
THIS SHOULD COVER IT.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S MY DEWAR'S PROFILE.

- NO KIDDING.
- YEAH.

"LAST BOOK READ... MINE."

I CHECKED OUT
THOMPSON FOR PRIORS.

- AND?
- HE'S CLEAN.

OKAY.

THEN I, UH, CHECKED
OUT THIS INVENTREX.

- MM-HMM.
- THE FEE THAT THEY
CHARGED THOMPSON

IS $2,100.

TO DEVELOP TAN-ALERT?

YEAH. AND IN THE LAST TWO YEARS,

THEY'VE HAD A COUPLE OF
DOZEN COMPLAINTS AGAINST THEM.

TALK TO ANYONE FROM THE COMPANY?

NO, BUT THE GUY
THAT RUNS THE JOINT

IS COMING DOWN HERE TO PRESS
CHARGES AGAINST THOMPSON.

LET ME KNOW WHEN HE GETS HERE.

COME ON, TELL THE
TRUTH. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, THERE'S DEFINITELY
A FEELING OF SECURITY.

UH-HUH.

THEN AGAIN, IT'S A
CONSTANT REMINDER

OF WHAT IT'S THERE TO PREVENT.

WHAT SCARES ME IS THAT
A LITTLE THING LIKE THIS

CAN BE THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN LIVING AND DYING.

WELL, I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT IT,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT
OCCURRED TO ME?

WHAT?

THE CONTRACT TO MAKE THEM
WENT TO THE LOWEST BIDDER.

THAT'S VERY PROFOUND.

GOT A CALL FROM DISPATCH.

SOMEBODY'S BARRICADED
IN AN APARTMENT

WITH A COUPLE OF RIFLES.

WOJO, BREAK OUT SOME WEAPONS.

AND I WANT TO SEE
EVERYONE IN THEIR VESTS.

I'LL CALL THE CLEANERS.

GOOD.

BARN, THEY'VE CORDONED
OFF THE STREETS,

AND KOGAN IS SENDING
IN SOME SQUAD CARS.

LET ME KNOW AS SOON AS
THEY SET UP A COMMAND POST.

RIGHT. HEY, BARN, YOU SURE
YOU DON'T WANT TO COME ALONG?

YOU'RE ALL DRESSED FOR IT.

JUST KIDDING.

OKAY, WOJO, YOU'RE IN THE BOX.

UH, INSPECTOR, I GOT A CALL.

OH, COME ON.

CAN'T YOU GIVE ME A
LITTLE SOMETHING NOW?

I MEAN, IN CASE
SOMETHING HAPPENS.

I GOT TO BREAK OUT SOME WEAPONS.

HE LOVED GUNS.

LOOK, MA'AM...

I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO EVACUATE
YOUR PLACE OF BUSINESS,

BUT I'M SURE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND

THAT IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY.

I DON'T LIKE PUTTING 16
GIRLS OUT OF WORK, EITHER,

BUT HOPEFULLY THE SITUATION
WILL CLEAR UP SHORTLY

AND YOU'LL ALL BE
ABLE TO GO BACK.

I APPRECIATE YOUR
PATIENCE, MADAM.

NO, JUST A LUCKY GUESS.

ANY NEWS FROM THE FRONT, BARN?

STILL A STANDOFF.

I COULD CLEAN OUT MY WALLET.

THAT WOULD KILL A COUPLE HOURS.

HEY, I'M SORRY THIS HAS
HUNG YOU UP, INSPECTOR.

OH, COME ON, BARNEY. FORGET IT.

SOME CRAZY FREAK WITH A RIFLE...

WHAT DOES HE CARE ABOUT
PEOPLE WHO GOT TO MAKE DEADLINES?

HE PROBABLY JUST WANTS TO
WASTE A COUPLE OF COPS, YOU KNOW,

TO GET HIS NAME IN THE PAPER.

YOU KNOW THE STORY, BARNEY.

"I HEARD VOICES."

SO THEN THEY PUT
HIM IN THE FRUIT BIN.

HE'S OUT IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS
AND WRITES A BEST-SELLER.

BUT AS LONG AS WE
GOT SOME TIME, BARNEY,

I COULD PICK UP A LITTLE
MORE INFO ON YOU, HUH?

HERE.

OF COURSE, THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH

I DON'T ALREADY
KNOW ABOUT YOU, BARN.

BORN BERNARD MILLER,
24 YEARS ON THE NYPD.

MARRIED. LOVELY WIFE ELIZABETH.

FATHER OF TWO FINE
CHILDREN, DAVID AND LISA.

THAT'S RACHAEL.

RACHAEL. OF COURSE, BARNEY.

RACHAEL.

YEAH, BUT I KIND OF ENJOY
IT, YOU KNOW, BARNEY...

CHATTING WITH ALL THE COPS,

FINDING OUT ABOUT THEIR
FAMILIES AND THEIR BACKGROUNDS,

ALL THE INTERESTING
THINGS THEY'VE DONE.

COURSE, IT MAKES MY LIFE STORY

SOUND LIKE SOMETHING
THE CAT DRAGGED IN.

OH, COME ON, INSPECTOR.

AH, BUT I SUPPOSE, BARNEY,

THERE'S HUNDREDS OF
PEOPLE WHOSE OBITUARIES

COULD BE WRITTEN ON THE BACK
OF A CHEWING-GUM WRAPPER.

OH, COME ON. YOU'VE
HAD A LONG AND FULL LIFE.

FULL?

NO KIDS, NO WIFE.

IT'S VERY FULL.

YOU HAD A DISTINGUISHED
CAREER. YOU'VE GOT MANY FRIENDS.

OH, NO. NO FRIENDS, BARNEY.

ACQUAINTANCES, MAYBE.
CO-WORKERS, YEAH.

PEOPLE WHO SUFFER THE
COMPANY OF THE OLD INSPECTOR

BECAUSE HE'S AN OLD INSPECTOR.

THAT'S SILLY.

I KNOW IT'S HARD FOR YOU
TO UNDERSTAND, BARNEY.

YOUR LIFE'S BEEN SO MARVELOUS.

WELL, I'D HARDLY GO THAT FAR.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HUMOR ME.

I'M NOT, BELIEVE ME.

I'M NOT COMPLAINING, BUT MY
LIFE HAS HARDLY BEEN MARVELOUS.

BELIEVE ME, I'VE HAD
MY SHARE OF PROBLEMS.

FINANCIAL SETBACKS...
MARITAL DIFFICULTIES.

THAT'S TRUE.

PROBLEMS WITH THE KIDS...

ALWAYS PROBLEMS WITH THE KIDS.

AND MY CAREER HASN'T EXACTLY
BEEN THE SKY ROCKET TO THE TOP.

TURNED DOWN FOR DEPUTY
INSPECTOR THREE TIMES.

24 YEARS ON THE FORCE...

AND NOTHING'S ANY BETTER
THAN THE DAY I STARTED.

COME ON, CHEER UP, BARNEY.

SIR, A MR. NORVIS FROM
INVENTREX IS HERE TO SEE YOU.

EXCUSE ME, INSPECTOR.

SURE.

MR. THOMPSON, BELIEVE ME.

YOUR PRODUCT IS STILL IN
THE DEVELOPMENT STAGE.

AND WHERE WILL IT BE
TOMORROW, BLOOMINGDALE'S...

ONLY CALLED "BEACH BUZZER"?

I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

JOHN NORVIS, INVENTREX, INC.

I'M HERE TO SIGN THAT COMPLAINT.

I MUST SAY, CAPTAIN, THAT
MR. THOMPSON'S ACTIONS

ARE TOTALLY INEXPLICABLE TO ME.

WELL, HE SEEMS TO FEEL YOU'VE
BEEN TRYING TO DEFRAUD HIM.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

SO WHY WON'T YOU
ANSWER MY CALLS?

BECAUSE I HAVE
NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU.

MR. THOMPSON'S DEVICE IS
STILL BEING EXAMINED AND TESTED

BY OUR TRAINED
EXAMINERS AND TESTERS.

I'M SURE YOU'RE
AWARE, MR. NORVIS,

THAT THERE HAVE BEEN
MANY OTHER COMPLAINTS

AGAINST YOUR COMPANY.

SO I'M NOT THE FIRST
INVENTOR YOU'VE RIPPED OFF.

CAPTAIN, I ASSURE YOU...

INVENTREX IS NOT IN THE PRACTICE
OF STEALING PEOPLE'S IDEAS.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT IDEAS.
I'M TALKING ABOUT MONEY.

OH.

IT IS THE POLICY OF INVENTREX
TO ACCEPT FOR CONSIDERATION

ONLY THOSE ITEMS WE BELIEVE
HAVE A GENUINE POTENTIAL.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, WE
CANNOT GUARANTEE SUCCESS.

THE FEE WE CHARGE...

$2,100 IN MR. THOMPSON'S CASE.

YES, BUT THAT'S SIMPLY TO
COVER OUR IN-HOUSE COSTS...

BLUEPRINTS, MOCKUPS,
ANALYSIS AND SURVEYS

TO DETERMINE THE POTENTIAL
MARKET FOR THE PRODUCT.

AND WHAT WOULD YOU SAY

IS THE POTENTIAL
MARKET FOR TAN-ALERT?

IT'S WIDE OPEN.

I MEAN, MR. THOMPSON'S
DEVICE IS CERTAINLY SOMETHING

THAT WOULD BE
PURCHASED BY ANYONE

WHO'S BEEN OUT IN
THE SUN TOO LONG.

RIGHT!

JUST OUT OF
CURIOSITY, MR. NORVIS,

WHAT OTHER INVENTIONS
HAVE YOU BROUGHT TO MARKET?

OH, WE HAVE MANY,
MANY IN DEVELOPMENT.

IN DEVELOPMENT?

THESE THINGS DON'T
BLOSSOM OVERNIGHT, CAPTAIN.

IT'S A LENGTHY PROCESS.

WE HAVE FEASIBILITY
STUDIES, PATENT SEARCHES.

SILLY PUTTY TOOK SIX YEARS.

WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY
SAYING, MR. NORVIS,

IS THAT YOU'VE NEVER
ACTUALLY MARKETED ANYTHING.

BUT WE'RE VERY CLOSE
ON A NUMBER OF PRODUCTS.

OUR COMBINATION MANGO
CARVER AND POTATO JUICER

SHOULD BE ON THE
SHELVES ANY DAY NOW.

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE
THOSE WHO MIGHT SAY

THAT YOU'RE REALLY
IN THE BUSINESS

OF EXPLOITING PEOPLE'S
DELUSIONS TO MAKE A QUICK BUCK.

- I DON'T VIEW IT
IN THAT LIGHT, CAPTAIN.
- COME ON.

YOU KNOW AND I KNOW
THAT NOBODY WANTS,

NOBODY NEEDS, NOBODY'S GONNA BUY

A COMBINATION MANGO
CARVER AND POTATO JUICER

ANY MORE THAN A COCKAMAMIE
ITEM LIKE TAN-ALERT.

HUH?

I DON'T KNOW THAT
THAT'S TRUE, CAPTAIN.

HOWEVER, IT'S POSSIBLE
WE MAY HAVE MISJUDGED

THE CURRENT MARKET FOR
MR. THOMPSON'S DEVICE.

AND AS WE ARE AN HONEST AND
CONSCIENTIOUS ORGANIZATION,

WHICH DOESN'T WANT ANY TROUBLE,

WE'D BE HAPPY TO
FORGET THE ENTIRE MATTER.

AND REFUND MR. THOMPSON'S FEE.

FINE.

IF THERE'S NOTHING
ELSE, I'LL BE ON MY WAY.

I'M SORRY THINGS DIDN'T
WORK OUT, MR. THOMPSON.

YEAH. RIGHT.

BYE, CAPTAIN.

MR. NORVIS.

YOU KNOW, CAPTAIN...

MAYBE WE ARE IN THE BUSINESS
OF EXPLOITING PEOPLE'S DELUSIONS.

BUT AT LEAST WE'RE
NOT IN THE BUSINESS

OF DESTROYING PEOPLE'S DREAMS.

UH, THEY'RE DROPPING CHARGES.

AND YOU'LL BE GETTING
YOUR MONEY BACK.

I HEARD.

SO AM I FREE TO GO NOW?

I'M AFRAID NOT.

THERE'S STILL THAT
WEAPONS CHARGE.

YOU HAVE TO BE
ARRAIGNED ON THAT.

OH. I UNDERSTAND.

LISTEN, I WANT TO THANK YOU.

YEAH.

IT'S NOT EVERYONE WHO
WOULD GO OUT OF HIS WAY

TO DO WHAT YOU DID.

I KNOW I WOULDN'T.

I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN TO PUT
EVERYONE TO ALL THIS TROUBLE.

OH, IT BROKE UP THE DAY.

FOR THIS WE EVACUATED A BLOCK?

UH-HUH.

WASN'T EASY, BUT WE NAILED IT.

IT'S MISS DOROTHY ST. CLAIR,
WANTED FOR NONPAYMENT OF RENT.

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS
SUCH A SERIOUS INFRACTION,

BUT, THEN, I'VE ONLY
BEEN PAYING RENT

FOR SUCH A SHORT TIME.

UNTIL RECENTLY, MISS
ST. CLAIR WAS A RESIDENT

OF THE EAST SIDE
PSYCHIATRIC CENTER.

SHE WAS RELEASED
AS PART OF A PROGRAM

TO INTEGRATE PATIENTS
BACK INTO THE COMMUNITY.

I BELIEVE IT'S CALLED "DUMPING."

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, APPARENTLY, MISS ST. CLAIR

WAS LATE WITH HER RENT PAYMENT.

THE LANDLORD THREATENED
TO LOCK HER OUT.

SO SHE TOLD HIM
SHE HAD A DEER RIFLE

AND A SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN.

IN REALITY, I HAVE NEITHER.

OH, HELLO AGAIN.

YEAH, HI.

I LOCKED UP THE WEAPONS.

ANYWAY, WHEN WE GOT THERE,

WE SURROUNDED THE APARTMENT
AND TRIED TO TALK HER OUT.

THEY THREATENED ME.

BUT WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU'RE
GONNA BLOW OUR HEADS OFF FOR?

IT SEEMED TO BE WHAT
YOU WANTED TO HEAR.

THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

AFTER ABOUT A HALF HOUR,
WE STILL GOT NO RESPONSE,

SO WE LOBBED SOME TEAR GAS IN.

WE HAD TO BREAK DOWN HER DOOR.

SHE WAS SITTING IN
FRONT OF THE TELEVISION,

WATCHING HER
FAVORITE SOAP OPERA.

IF YOU MISS EVEN ONE DAY,
YOU CAN BE LOST FOREVER.

I KNOW.

MISS ST. CLAIR, I'M
AFRAID WE'RE GONNA NEED

SOME MORE INFORMATION.

OH, I UNDERSTAND.

HARRIS, WOULD YOU DO THE HONORS?

UH, MISS ST. CLAIR,

WOULD YOU HAVE A SEAT
RIGHT OVER HERE, PLEASE?

OH, THANK YOU.

WHY, SURELY.

COULD I OFFER YOU A
CUP OF COFFEE OR TEA?

TEA WOULD BE LOVELY, THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, SERGEANT,

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN DEPENDENT
ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.

DIDN'T BLANCHE DuBOIS SAY THAT?

NOT TO ME.

NOW THAT THE
A-TEAM HAS RETURNED,

I'LL BE HEADING BACK DOWNSTAIRS.

THANK YOU FOR COMING UP, LEVITT.

- HEY, LEVITT?
- YEAH.

ANYBODY DOWNSTAIRS NEEDS
A VEST, THEY CAN HAVE MINE.

FEELING LUCKY, SERGEANT?

SOMETHING WRONG, WOJO?

UH, NO, NOTHING. I...

I JUST DON'T LIKE THE
WAY IT MAKES ME FEEL.

ITCHY?

INVINCIBLE.

REALLY, BARN, I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE, OKAY?

BUT WHEN I PUT THAT THING ON,

I FEEL LIKE SOME
KIND OF SUPERCOP,

LIKE I OUGHT TO HAVE A
BIG "W" ON ME OR SOMETHING.

IF I... IF I START FEELING
LIKE I CAN'T GET HURT,

THEN I FORGET THAT MAYBE I
COULD HURT SOMEBODY ELSE.

SIR?

IT'S UP TO SERGEANT
WOJCIEHOWICZ.

LEVITT.

YOU CAN HAVE MINE, TOO.

DOESN'T FIT PHILOSOPHICALLY.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, SERGEANT?

DON'T LET PEER
PRESSURE FORCE YOU

INTO A FOOLISH SHOW OF BRAVADO.

YOU CAN HAVE THIS ONE, LEVITT.

IT'S A LITTLE LARGE.

WELL, YOU CAN, YOU
KNOW, MAKE YOURSELF

A PAIR OF THOSE LITTLE
BRITCHES OUT OF WHAT'S LEFT.

SO... DECIDED TO LIVE
DANGEROUSLY, HUH?

BULLY FOR YOU.
ITS THE WAY TO GO.

WHY, IF YOU PUT ON THOSE THINGS,

IT'S JUST THE SAME AS
ADMITTING TO ALL THAT SCUM

AND KILLERS OUT ON THE STREET
THAT YOU'RE SCARED OF THEM...

THAT YOU'D RATHER HIDE
BEHIND SOME SISSY LITTLE APRON

INSTEAD OF GOING
DOWN LIKE A REAL COP!

LEVITT!