Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Accusation - full transcript

I'M NOT LYING TO
YOU. GIVE ME A BREAK.

SIT ON IT.

I WASN'T ROBBING
NO LIQUOR STORE.

I JUST WENT IN FOR
A SIX-PACK OF BEER.

YEAH, YOU JUST HAPPENED
TO EMPTY THE CASH DRAWER.

IT WAS LYING THERE.
I'M ONLY HUMAN.

OH, THESE BOYS,
THEY'RE HOOLIGANS.

LAST WEEK, THEY
TOOK A MAGIC MARKER

AND WROTE NAUGHTY WORDS
ALL OVER MS. WIGGINS' CAT.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

TRY HOLDING IT UP TO A MIRROR?



YOU'VE GOT A WONDERFUL
SENSE OF HUMOR.

I NEED IT. I'M A CYNIC.

ME TOO.

WE'RE VERY MUCH ALIKE.

GET OUT OF HERE.

- CAPTAIN.
- DIETRICH.

THIS IS DORIS WHITTAKER.

MISS WHITTAKER,
I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

OH, A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

MISS WHITTAKER, WHAT
SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?

MISS WHITTAKER WAS
GOING DOWN TO GET HER MAIL.

SHE SAW SOME KIDS
BREAKING INTO HER MAILBOX.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT
KIND OF INVASION OF PRIVACY?

GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT
THEY COULD BE READING NOW.



HEY.

UH, DIETRICH, WHY DON'T WE
HAVE MISS WHITTAKER CHECK

SOME OF THE JUVENILE BOOKS?

MAYBE YOU CAN MAKE
AN IDENTIFICATION.

WOULD YOU HAVE A SEAT AT
SERGEANT DIETRICH'S DESK?

MISS WHITTAKER, IS
THERE SOMETHING ELSE?

IS THAT YOUR BREAKFAST?

UH... KIND OF WORKS
OUT THAT WAY.

COFFEE AND A DOUGHNUT?

WELL, I...

IT'S ALL THAT I NEED
TO GET ME STARTED.

I DON'T LIKE TO EAT TOO HEAV...

MISS WHITTAKER, WHY DON'T
YOU HAVE A SEAT OVER HERE?

AND HE'S A CAPTAIN?

NUTRITIONALLY,
HE'S STILL A CHILD.

OH, UH, YOU DIDN'T CALL ME BACK.

WHAT?

I CALLED YOU LAST NIGHT.

OH.

WELL, I MEAN, I JUST
WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW

WHY I WAS GONNA BE A
LITTLE LATE THIS MORNING.

AH.

BARN?

IT WAS 'CAUSE I WAS AT SOMEONE
ELSE'S APARTMENT IN BOSTON.

OKAY, WOJ. I UNDERSTAND.

I GAVE LIZ THE NUMBER.

I DIDN'T GET THE MESSAGE.

WELL, I... I GUESS LIZ FORGOT.

WOJO, AND ANYONE ELSE

WHO MAY HAVE TO GET IN
TOUCH WITH ME AFTER HOURS,

I'LL BE AT THE, UH...
GREENWICH HOTEL.

IT'S ROOM 320, I THINK.

HOTEL?

GETTING YOUR
APARTMENT REPAINTED?

NO.

IT DON'T NEED IT.

I'VE BEEN OVER.

12th PRECINCT. YEMANA.

ROULETTE WHEELS?

CRAP TABLES?

ARE THEY RUNNING
ANY PONIES THERE?

TOO BAD.

GOOD MORNING.

MORNING.

UH, WE'LL TAKE
CARE OF IT, MA'AM.

YES, I AGREE.

GAMBLING IS SINFUL.

TROUBLEMAKER.

GOOD MORNING.

DON'T BOTHER
HANGING UP YOUR COAT.

LAID OFF?

NO, WE GOT A CALL... A BIGGIE.

OH, YEAH. SURE.

OH, AND BY THE WAY, HARRIS,

DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE ANY
EXTRA CASH YOU COULD LEND ME?

NO.

THANK GOD.

HOW ARE WE DOING?

OH, THEY'RE ALL SO YOUNG.

YEAH.

WELL, THAT'S A COMMON
TRAIT AMONG JUVENILES.

THAT'S MY SENSE OF HUMOR,
REMEMBER? THE ONE YOU LIKED?

OH, YES.

KEEP LOOKING. MAYBE
WE'LL GET LUCKY.

IT'S VERY HARD.

WELL, WHEN YOU'VE SEEN
ONE KID, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL.

THE TRUTH IS, I'M SUCH A TARGET.

I LIVE ALONE.

MM-HMM.

YOU... YOU TOO?

YEAH.

I'D HATE TO THINK OF
WHAT SOMEONE WOULD DO

IF HE GOT HIS HANDS ON ME.

PROBABLY JUST TAKE YOUR MONEY.

OH.

NO OFFENSE.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU CAN'T PUT A PADLOCK
ON A HOUSE OF WORSHIP.

YOU WANT TO JUST STEP
ALONG OVER THERE, PLEASE?

YOU SEE, THERE'S A HIGHER
AUTHORITY THAN YOU OR I.

YEAH, RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS CAPTAIN MILLER.

BARNEY, THIS IS RABBI
JOSEPH GREENBLATT.

CAPTAIN MILLER.

RABBI? THIS IS OUR
GAMBLING ENTREPRENEUR?

YES. HE OPERATES THE BETH
ISAIAH TEMPLE AND CASINO.

FOR CHARITY.

QUITE A SETUP, BARN...

CRAP TABLES, BLACKJACK,
ROULETTE, VALET PARKING.

I TAKE IT YOU'RE REFORMED.

CONSERVATIVE, BUT I
TRY TO STAY FLEXIBLE.

OKAY, FELLAS.
BRING IT RIGHT ON IN.

OKAY.

BE CAREFUL. THAT'S RENTED.

PUT IT ON MY DESK, HUH?

IT'LL BE SAFER THERE.

SLOT MACHINE, TOO?

THEY STILL GOT 10 MORE
BACK AT THE TEMPLE.

LISTEN, I COULD HAVE USED 50,

BUT THEY'RE TOUGH
TO GET THESE DAYS...

YOU KNOW, ATLANTIC CITY.

AND WE HAD TO
CONFISCATE ALL THIS STUFF...

CARDS, DICE, CHIPS.

TAG IT ALL.

I'LL TRY NOT TO MIX
IT WITH MY STUFF.

CAPTAIN, I HAVE A
PERMIT FROM THE CITY.

OH, UH, BARNEY, HE'S
REFERRING TO THIS.

"PERMISSION TO HOLD
A LAS VEGAS NIGHT."

IT'S TO RAISE FUNDS FOR THE
SCHOOL, FOR THE CHARITIES.

RABBI, THIS PERMIT IS
FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY.

TECHNICALLY, CORRECT.

THAT ONE NIGHT WAS
FOUR MONTHS AGO.

IT WAS GOING SO BEAUTIFULLY,

I DIDN'T HAVE THE
HEART TO STOP IT.

SURELY YOU MUST HAVE REALIZED

YOU WERE DOING
SOMETHING ILLEGAL.

I HAD THE SUSPICION.

BUT LISTEN, THE MONEY IS
GOING FOR GOOD CAUSES.

IT'S GOING FOR THE
CHILDREN'S SCHOOL.

IT'S GOING FOR THE
SENIOR CITIZEN'S PROGRAM.

I'M AFRAID I'M GOING
TO HAVE TO BRING THIS

TO THE ATTENTION OF THE
DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE.

OY.

SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

LISTEN, IF YOU MUST, YOU MUST.

VERY UNDERSTANDING.

IT'S MY JOB.

YOU WANT TO HAVE A
SEAT OVER HERE, PLEASE?

CAPTAIN, NO LUCK
WITH THE MUG BOOK.

MISS WHITTAKER, WHY
DON'T YOU GO ON HOME THEN,

AND IF ANYTHING TURNS
UP, WE'LL CONTACT YOU.

I UNDERSTAND.

YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

I GUESS IT'S JUST
THAT I'M A LITTLE AFRAID

TO GO BACK THERE ALONE.

WELL, IF YOU'D RATHER, I'LL
HAVE AN OFFICER TAKE YOU HOME.

OH, WELL...

IF SERGEANT DIETRICH
ISN'T TOO BUSY.

UH, SERGEANT DIETRICH?

NO, I DON'T MIND. LET'S GO.

GOOD DAY, MISS WHITTAKER.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE LOVELY HANDS.

I KNOW.

GOT YOU AGAIN.

IN HERE.

WHAT ABOUT LUNCH?

GET IN THE CAGE, RUBIN.

RUBIN?

THAT'S JEWISH.

SO?

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

IT WAS ENTRAPMENT, OKAY?

HE ROBBED A LIQUOR STORE.

A JEWISH BOY?

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

SO WHO ARE YOU, ANYWAY?

I'M A RABBI.

WHAT IS THIS? I
ASKED FOR A LAWYER!

DIETRICH BACK?

YEAH, HE WENT
DOWNSTAIRS FOR SOMETHING.

OH, BARNEY!

UH, LIZ CALLED A LITTLE WHILE
AGO WHILE YOU WERE OUT,

AND SHE SAID SHE'D CALL BACK.

THANK YOU.

BARN, IS LIZ BACK FROM VACATION?

UM... JUST A SECOND. BARN?

IT'S, UH, INTERNAL AFFAIRS.

INTERNAL AFFAIRS? WHAT
THE HELL DO THEY WANT?

I DON'T KNOW.

CAPTAIN MILLER HERE.

BARNEY MOVED OUT
OF HIS APARTMENT.

JUST GIVE ME THE EXACT
NATURE OF THE CHARGES.

AND THAT'S THE ONLY
INFORMATION YOU HAVE?

THANK YOU.

WHAT DO THEY WANT?

WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THIS ONE.

SEEMS MISS WHITTAKER

IS FILING FORMAL
CHARGES AGAINST DIETRICH.

WHAT?

FOR WHAT?

LEWD AND LASCIVIOUS BEHAVIOR.

BARN, THEY GOT TO BE CRAZY.

YEAH.

WELL, WE'LL FIND
OUT WHAT'S GOING ON.

IN THE MEANTIME, LET'S
EVERYBODY GET BACK TO WORK.

UH, NICK, HAVE YOU
FINISHED PACKING UP?

HEY, HARRIS.

HEY, DIETRICH.

HOW'S IT GOING, NICK?

FINE.

I'M BACK, CAPTAIN.

GOOD.

I'M GONNA GO WASH UP.

IT'S A DIRTY JOB.

SO, SHE SAID SHE WAS
STILL A LITTLE SHAKEN,

AND SHE ASKED ME TO
STAY FOR A FEW MINUTES

TILL SHE CALMED DOWN.

SHE ASKED YOU?

YEAH.

SHE WENT INTO ANOTHER
ROOM FOR A MINUTE,

AND WHEN SHE CAME BACK
OUT, SHE CHANGED INTO A...

NEGLIGEE.

A BATHROBE.

BATHROBE?

I GUESS SHE WANTED TO
BE ENTICING BUT SENSIBLE.

AND THEN?

THEN SHE OFFERED ME A DRINK.

I SAID I COULDN'T.
I WAS ON DUTY.

AND THEN SHE SAID, UH... WHAT?

SHE SAID I WAS CUTE.

CUTE?

YOU DON'T THINK SO?

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

THEN I TOLD HER I HAD TO
GET BACK TO THE PRECINCT.

AND THAT'S THAT?

NO.

THEN HER BATHROBE FELL OPEN.

OH.

THEN OFF.

OFF?

TO THE FLOOR.

TO THE FLOOR.

I FIGURED, UH, GRAVITY.

AND THEN?

THEN I LEFT.

GOOD.

FIGURED THAT WAS
THE THING TO DO.

ALL RIGHT, DIETRICH, LOOK.

LOOK...

TRY TO REMEMBER... IS
THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU DID

OR SAID THAT MISS
WHITTAKER COULD HAVE,

BY THE WILDEST STRETCH
OF THE IMAGINATION,

MISCONSTRUED AS PROVOCATIVE

OR ANYTHING THAT COULD,
IN THE BROADEST SENSE,

BE TERMED LEWD OR LASCIVIOUS?

WELL?

THAT'S A LOT OF TERRITORY.

DIETRICH!

NO, I DON'T THINK SO, CAPTAIN.

THANK YOU.

I HOPE AT LEAST YOU
DON'T ROB ON THE SABBATH.

I USUALLY WAIT FOR SUNDOWN.

NO, I KNOW HOW EMBARRASSING,

HOW DISGUSTING
IT MUST BE FOR YOU,

BUT, YOU SEE, WE NEED A
POSITIVE IDENTIFICATION.

I UNDERSTAND.

LIEUTENANT SCANLON,
IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE.

YOU REMEMBER ME, HUH?

OH, I NEVER FORGET A TWITCH.

YOU MIND GOING AND TELLING
CAPTAIN MILLER I'M HERE?

OH, SURELY.

BARNEY, SCANLON.

IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

IS THAT THE OFFICER YOU
NAMED IN THE COMPLAINT?

YES, IT IS.

WELL, LIEUTENANT,
MISS WHITTAKER.

I'M SO SORRY ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

IT'S JUST THAT I FEEL I
HAVE TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT.

MISS WHITTAKER, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST COME OVER HERE

AND RELAX A WHILE,
JUST HAVE A SEAT?

LIEUTENANT, IN MY OFFICE?

YOU'RE ON THE HOOK
FOR HER SAFETY.

I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

DIETRICH, WHY DON'T
YOU FINISH THAT REPORT?

SURE.

GOOD MOVE.

HELLO.

OH, NOT ME. EXCUSE ME.

WHAT WE HAVE OUT
THERE IS A LONELY LADY...

AN OBVIOUSLY PSYCHOLOGICALLY
UNBALANCED LONELY LADY

WHO IS EITHER LYING OR
WHO HAS DELUDED HERSELF

INTO BELIEVING THAT
SOMETHING ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

AND NOTHING HAPPENED!

THAT'S ONE POSSIBILITY.

THAT'S THE ONLY POSSIBILITY.

MILLER...

IT HAS BEEN MY EXPERIENCE

THAT COPS HAVE THE
VERY SAME FILTHY URGES

AS ANYBODY ELSE.

AND THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,

YOUR MAN OUT THERE TOOK
ADVANTAGE OF AN OPPORTUNITY

TO HAVE A LITTLE
AFTERNOON DINGDONG.

FORGET IT, SCANLON.

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT TASTE.

HATE TO SPOIL YOUR FUN, SCANLON,

BUT NOTHING HAPPENED
IN THAT APARTMENT...

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE I ASKED MY
MAN AND HE TOLD ME.

AND THAT'S IT?

THAT'S ENOUGH.

YOU WORKED VICE, RIGHT, MILLER?

YEAH, A WHILE.

YOU SPENT TIME IN THE BACK
OF ONE OF THOSE PADDY WAGONS,

I MEAN, ALONG WITH ALL
THE YOUNG LITTLE SNUGGLIES

WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING

TO GET A TICKET
BACK ON THE STREETS.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

THAT IT IS NOT
INCONCEIVABLE FOR A COP,

EVEN A GOOD COP, EVENTUALLY,

TO TAKE A PIECE OF THE ACTION.

I WORKED VICE FOR
17 YEARS, MILLER.

I MEAN, I HAD EVERY DEVIANT

AND EVERY KIND OF HOOKER
THROW THEMSELVES AT ME.

AND JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME...

I DIDN'T ALWAYS
GET OUT OF THE WAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, MILLER?

HUH?

NEVER.

OH, DAMN IT.

I TOLD YOU.

IS THIS THE DETECTIVES' ROOM?

YES, MA'AM.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S THE GENERAL REACTION.

RUTH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

NOTHING.

I JUST HAPPENED TO BE
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

THAT WAS NICE.

I'M BAILING YOU OUT,
LIKE A COMMON CRIMINAL.

I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELF.

OH, RUTHIE, PLEASE.

I'M MRS. GREENBLATT.
I HAVE HIS BAIL TICKET.

I'LL HAVE HIS RELEASE
FORM FILLED OUT,

AND HE CAN BE ON HIS WAY.

THANK YOU.

I WARNED YOU IT
WOULD END UP LIKE THIS.

BLACKJACK, DICE...
SLOT MACHINES.

NO GOOD EVER COMES FROM THIS.

YOU GOT TO APPLY YOURSELF.

LISTEN, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE
FOR THIS AFTERNOON.

OH.

MAYBE I... MAYBE I GAVE
YOU THE WRONG IMPRESSION.

WELL, I... I WAS EMBARRASSED.

I'M SORRY.

WELL... YOU REALLY
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I WAS THERE.

BUT YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

SOMETIMES I CAN
BE VERY INSENSITIVE.

IT'S... IT'S A MATTER
OF PRIDE, I SUPPOSE.

THAT'S VERY
IMPORTANT TO A WOMAN.

I UNDERSTAND.

LISTEN, IT'S JUST... I'M NOT A
VERY AGGRESSIVE PERSON.

I CAN'T JUMP INTO A
RELATIONSHIP VERY QUICKLY.

NOR DO I USUALLY.

IT'S POSSIBLE
THAT, UH, THE MOOD,

THE CIRCUMSTANCES THIS
AFTERNOON JUST WASN'T RIGHT.

YOU MEAN...

ANOTHER TIME, ANOTHER
PLACE, YOU MIGHT BE...

LEWD AND LASCIVIOUS? SURE.

OH.

I APPRECIATE THAT.

IT TEARS ME UP TO
LIFT A MAN'S SHIELD.

MM-HMM.

BUT WE GOT TO PLAY BY THE RULES.

WELL, MISS WHITTAKER,
YOU READY NOW?

WE'LL GO DOWNTOWN AND
FILL OUT A FORMAL COMPLAINT.

LIEUTENANT, I'VE
CHANGED MY MIND.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I THINK, NOW,

I MAY HAVE MISINTERPRETED
SERGEANT DIETRICH'S ACTIONS.

I'M NOW A BIT VAGUE ON THINGS.

YOU WEREN'T VAGUE WHEN
YOU CALLED ME THIS AFTERNOON.

I MEAN, ALL THAT GRABBING
AND LURCHING AND PANTING AND...

LIEUTENANT, LET'S
TAKE IT EASY, HUH?

THAT WAS ONE HELL
OF A PHONE CALL.

CAPTAIN, I HAVE A RIGHT
TO RECONSIDER, DON'T I?

YOU MOST CERTAINLY
DO, MISS WHITTAKER.

"YOU MOST CERTAINLY
DO, MISS WHITTAKER."

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

WELL, I'VE RECONSIDERED.

OKAY.

OKAY.

I'M READY TO SEE A FELLOW
COP OUT OF THE FIRE.

ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN
DO FOR YOU, LIEUTENANT?

NO, THANKS.

NO, I'LL JUST MOSEY ON DOWNTOWN.

CAN I DROP YOU SOMEPLACE?

NO, THANK YOU.

I'VE TAKEN UP
ENOUGH OF YOUR TIME.

YOU BET.

ALL RIGHT, CAPTAIN.

WELL, MAYBE IN THE FUTURE,

WE CAN MEET UNDER MORE
PLEASANT CIRCUMSTANCES.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE.

OH, LISTEN.

YOU KNOW, IF IT EVER STARTS
BUILDING UP INSIDE OF YOU,

YOU WANT TO SPILL YOUR GUTS
TO SOMEBODY, I'M AVAILABLE.

I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.

OF COURSE, I STILL
HAVE HOPES FOR YOU.

OKAY, RABBI, YOU'RE ALL SET.

OH, BARNEY,

MRS. GREENBLATT ARRANGED
FOR THE RABBI'S BAIL,

SO I'M LETTING HIM OUT.

Mrs. Greenblatt: WHAT
ABOUT MY HUSBAND?

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO HIM?

Barney: I'M SURE THEY'LL
TAKE INTO ACCOUNT

THE UNUSUAL CIRCUMSTANCES.

LET'S GO, RUBIN. RIGHT NOW?

YEAH, I'M GONNA TAKE
YOU DOWN TO THE TOMB.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE THEM
A LITTLE HEAD START, EH?

WE CAN ALL WALK DOWN TOGETHER.

I'LL REMEMBER THIS.

COME ON, MISTER.

I'M SORRY, WHAT I DID.

IT COULD HAVE
DESTROYED YOUR CAREER.

BROKE UP THE DAY.

GOODBYE, SERGEANT.

SEE YOU AROUND.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

GOODBYE, CAPTAIN.

BYE, MISS WHITTAKER.

SOMETHING ELSE?

WELL, I COULDN'T RIDE
WITH THAT LIEUTENANT

BECAUSE HE MADE ME
FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

ARE YOU SAYING YOU
NEED ANOTHER RIDE HOME?

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TAKE A CAB.