Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 4, Episode 12 - The Bank - full transcript

- GOOD MORNING. GENTLEMEN.
- MORNING.

- MORNING.
- MORNING, BARN.

I SEE THAT SERGEANT
HARRIS IS NOT YET CHECKED IN.

HE'S MOVING INTO
HIS NEW APARTMENT.

YOU KNOW, GENTLEMEN,
IT APPEARS TO ME

THAT TARDINESS
HAS BECOME THE RULE

RATHER THAN THE
EXCEPTION AROUND HERE.

OHH!

SOMETHING I CAN
HELP YOU WITH, WOJO?

YOU KNOW WHY SO MANY PEOPLE

KILL THEMSELVES
AT CHRISTMASTIME?



DEPRESSION, LONELINESS.

NO, SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO
BUY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

THAT'S A CONSIDERATION.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING
TO AFFORD IT THIS YEAR.

WELL, ONE THING YOU
DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT,

AND THAT'S BUYING A
PRESENT FOR ME, BECAUSE...

DON'T WORRY. I'M NOT.

OH.

UH, GOOD.

I'LL BE LUCKY IF I CAN
SWING ONE FOR MY MOTHER.

SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT, WOJO,

WHAT WITH YOUR
SERGEANT'S RAISE THIS YEAR.

YEAH, I WAS BETTER OFF
ON A THIRD GRADER'S PAY.

YEAH, NOW I'M GOING
TO BETTER RESTAURANTS,



SEEING MORE MOVIES,

BUYING THINGS ON CREDIT.

YOUR INTERESTS ARE BROADENING.

I THINK I CAUGHT IT FROM HARRIS.

THAT'S A POSSIBILITY, YES.

YOU SEEM TO KEEP A
PRETTY GOOD HANDLE

ON YOUR FINANCES, BARN.

WELL, I MEAN, I TRY TO REMAIN
RELATIVELY SOLVENT, YEAH.

YOU DON'T GO
CRAZY BUYING THINGS.

I THINK THAT'S THE POINT.

YOU'VE BEEN WEARING THAT
SUIT EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.

WELL, IT'S A GOOD SUIT.

YEAH.

I MEAN, THE STYLE IS TIMELESS.

YEAH, RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

PUT THESE BAGS OVER
THERE FOR ME, PLEASE?

YOU'RE THE BOSS.

HEY, LOOK... AND BE
CAREFUL. HANG THEM UP NEAT.

- MORNING, HARRIS.
- THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.

WHAT SEEMS TO...

I GET TO THE APARTMENT, BARNEY,

AND I GOT A MOVING VAN
FULL OF MY FURNITURE,

AND THEM CRACKERS
ARE STILL INSIDE.

DIDN'T YOU MAKE ARRANGEMENTS...

OF COURSE I DID, BARNEY!

THEY WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE OUT LAST NIGHT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, YOU SEE,

I'M SUBLETTING IT
FROM THIS COUPLE...

HAROLD AND LOIS NEMMINGS...

BECAUSE THEY'RE
GETTING A DIVORCE.

BUT WHEN I GET THERE,

HAROLD TELLS ME THAT THEY'VE
DECIDED NOT TO BREAK UP,

SO THEY'RE GONNA
KEEP THE APARTMENT.

DIDN'T YOU GET THEM TO SIGN...

SO I GO BACK WITH THE
VAN TO MY OLD APARTMENT...

APPARENTLY NOT.

AND THIS CRETIN OF
A MANAGER TELLS ME

THAT HE WON'T
LET ME BACK INSIDE.

HEY, MAN, ARE YOU CRAZY?

I SAID NEAT!

THERE ARE ROLLED
LAPELS IN THAT BAG!

NO KIDDING.

MEANWHILE, BARNEY, HERE I AM

WITH ALL MY WORLDLY
POSSESSIONS IN THIS GUY'S TRUCK,

AND IT'S COSTING
ME 50 BUCKS AN HOUR

WHILE HE JUST KIND
OF DIDDLES AROUND.

A VERY UNFORTUNATE
SEQUENCE OF EVENTS.

JUST STANDING HERE IS
COSTING ME 95 CENTS A MINUTE.

HARRIS, YOU'RE JUST
GOING TO HAVE TO FIND

A SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM.

SUCH AS?

WELL, UH... I DON'T KNOW.

YOU... YOU... YOU ALIGN ALL
YOUR ALTERNATIVES AND, UH...

COULD YOU SPEAK A
LITTLE FASTER, PLEASE?

WHY DON'T YOU PUT
YOUR STUFF IN STORAGE?

THEN YOU CAN DECIDE
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO NEXT.

THEN I GOT TO PAY THIS GUY OFF,
THEN I GOT TO PAY FOR STORAGE,

AND THEN HIRE HIM ALL
OVER AGAIN WHEN I MOVE.

IT'S THE BEST THING I
CAN COME UP WITH...

IN THE TIME ALLOTTED.

BARNEY, UH, CALL FROM DISPATCH.

TROUBLE OVER AT
23rd NEAR LEXINGTON.

- WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE?
- THEY DIDN'T SAY.

BUT IT'S CALLED THE
CRICHTON LABORATORIES.

IT'S A SPERM BANK.

SPERM BANK?

IT'S LIKE A REGULAR BANK,
ONLY YOU DON'T DEPOSIT MONEY.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

YOU AND WOJO.

- OKAY.
- WOJO, YOU'RE ON WITH NICK.

ACTUALLY, I'M DYING TO
KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

DOUBT IF IT'S A ROBBERY.

I DOUBT IT, TOO.

THERE'S NOT MUCH OF A
MARKET FOR MALE GAMETES.

I HAVE A SINKING FEELING
THAT WE HAVE JUST ENTERED

ANOTHER OF YOUR AREAS
OF INTEREST AND EXPERTISE.

YOU MIGHT CALL IT A PASSION.

- COME ON, WOJ, LET'S GO.
- YEAH, YEAH.

WHAT DO WE GOT, NICK?

SOME KIND OF DISTURBANCE.

- YEAH? WHERE?
- AT A BANK.

GOOD. MAYBE I SHOULD START
A CHRISTMAS CLUB ACCOUNT.

IT'S UP TO YOU.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET
CAUGHT SHORT AGAIN NEXT YEAR.

GOD FORBID.

COME ON, MRS. BATEMAN!
WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME?

IT'S MURDER! THAT'S WHAT IT IS!

I'M SORRY, MR. HAMEL.
THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

HEY, BOTH YOU TWO... CALM DOWN.

CALM DOWN? YOU KILLED IT...

THE SEED OF MY LOINS,
THE FLESH OF MY FLESH!

LET'S NOT GET
BIBLICAL ABOUT IT, HUH?

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

THIS IS MR. PHILIP HAMEL.

THE LAST PHILIP HAMEL...

THANKS TO HER AND
CRICHTON LABORATORIES!

THIS IS, UH, MS. HELEN BATEMAN.

SHE'S THE CHIEF COOK
AND BOTTLE-WASHER.

LABORATORY SUPERVISOR!

LABORATORY SUPERVISOR.

WE GOT THERE, AND MR. HAMEL
HERE WAS TEARING UP THE LOBBY,

TRYING TO GET INTO THE BACK.

WILL YOU PLEASE TELL HIM WHY?

APPARENTLY, HE WENT DOWN
THERE TO CHECK ON HIS, UH...

DEPOSIT.

SPECIMEN. WE CALL
THEM SPECIMENS.

THANK YOU.

AND HE GOT A LITTLE UPSET

WHEN HE FOUND OUT HIS
SPECIMEN HAD GONE BAD.

YEAH, BECAUSE
YOU LET IT THAW OUT!

YOU LET IT DIE!

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

WE LOOKED AFTER IT JUST
AS IF IT WERE OUR OWN.

BALONEY! YOU'VE BEEN
GIVING ME BALONEY ALL DAY!

TAKE IT EASY.

LOOK, CAPTAIN, I'M SORRY.

MY WIFE AND I HAVE BEEN
MARRIED FOR TWO YEARS.

NOW, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY

THAT, AT THIS TIME, WE CAN
AFFORD TO HAVE A CHILD.

SO, I WENT AND I HAD A...

WELL, A VASECTOMY, YOU KNOW.

AND NOW, WHEN I CAN
AFFORD TO HAVE A CHILD,

I'M NOT GOING TO
BE ABLE TO HAVE ONE

BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID FOUL-UP!

THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

HOW DO THEY HAPPEN?
THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO.

I TOLD YOU... WE'RE NOT SURE.

YOU'RE NOT SURE. WHERE
DOES THAT LEAVE ME?

LET'S NOT GO AROUND
AGAIN. MS. BATEMAN...

IF YOU HAVE A SEAT OVER THERE,

DETECTIVE WOJCIEHOWICZ
WILL TAKE YOUR STATEMENT.

ACTUALLY, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

A THING LIKE THIS
HAS EVER HAPPENED.

YEAH, SO WHAT AM I... MR. LUCKY?

SICKENING, HUH, BARN?

WELL, IT'S DIFFERENT.
I'LL SAY THAT.

NO, I MEAN THE...
WHOLE IDEA OF IT.

IT'S NOT NATURAL.

ACTUALLY, IT'S MORE COMMON
THAN MOST PEOPLE THINK.

SINCE 1953,

MORE THAN 1,400 CHILDREN
HAVE BEEN CONCEIVED

THROUGH ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION.

IT'S EVEN MORE COMMON IN
THE BREEDING OF LIVESTOCK.

PROVEN TO BE A MORE
EFFICIENT AND HEALTHIER WAY

OF IMPREGNATING DAIRY COWS.

FASCINATING.

COURSE, ELSIE ISN'T QUITE AS
CONTENTED AS SHE USED TO BE.

HI, BARNEY. HI, MEN.

INSPECTOR, WHAT
BRINGS YOU AROUND?

WELL, JUST A LITTLE MINOR

OFFICIAL ADMINISTRATIVE
BUSINESS, BARNEY.

WANT TO HANDLE IT IN MY OFFICE?

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

YOU GOT A FINE GROUP
HERE TODAY, HUH?

WHAT'S THIS... A
VICTIM OR A SUSPECT?

BOTH.

- HMM?
- VICTIM.

MY PROGENY, MY
POSTERITY... GONE!

SIR, I ASSURE YOU,

THE MEN OF THE 12th PRECINCT

WILL DO EVERYTHING WITHIN
THEIR POWER TO RETRIEVE IT.

RIGHT, NICK?

WITHIN REASON.

HEY, LOOK. DON'T YOU
GET COMFORTABLE.

I WANT YOU READY TO MOVE.

WHY, YOU GOT A
LINE ON SOMETHING?

THERE ARE TIMES IN A MAN'S LIFE

WHEN IT BECOMES
NECESSARY TO ABANDON

SOME VERY BASIC PRINCIPLES

AND DEBASE AND DEGRADE ONESELF.

HELLO, UH...

LOOK, I'M CALLING REGARDING
THE AD FOR THE APARTMENT...

in Yonkers.

UH, YES.

I WAS, UM... WELL,
I'D LIKE TO R-RENT...

UH... UNFORTUNATELY,
I HAVE TO...

WELL, ACTUALLY, YOU
SEE, I AM FORCED TO.

WAIT A MINUTE. LOOK, I
JUST CANNOT DO THIS.

I'M SORRY FOR WASTING YOUR TIME.

WELL, I TELL YOU,

THEY PULLED A FEW CASES
OUT OF THE FILES DOWNTOWN.

YOU KNOW, UNSOLVED
BURGLARIES, THEFTS.

THEY WANT ME TO TALK TO
SOME OF YOUR MEN ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW.

NO, I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, THEY GIVE ME SOME DRIVEL
ABOUT CERTAIN DETECTIVE SQUADS

ARE STARTING TO SLOUGH OFF SOME
OF THE TOUGH CASES, YOU KNOW?

PASSING THEM BACK
TO THE UNIFORMED COPS

SO'S NOT TO MUDDY UP THEIR
OWN PERFORMANCE RECORD.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

IT'S POPPYCOCK, BARNEY!

I MEAN, THERE ARE CERTAIN CASES
THAT WE DO SEND BACK DOWNSTAIRS,

BUT, I MEAN, IT'S DUE TO THE
MANPOWER LIMITATIONS UP HERE.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD
THEM DOWNTOWN.

I CAN'T BE WASTING MY TIME
PULLING STUFF LIKE THIS, BARNEY.

I GOT MUCH MORE
IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO

THAN TO BE SNOOPING INTO
THE INTEGRITIES OF HONEST COPS.

THANK YOU, INSPECTOR.

YOU'RE WELCOME, BARNEY.

YOU GOT ANY DENTAL FLOSS?

UH, NO.

- CREDIT CARD?
- NO.

ALWAYS PAY CASH.
GOOD WAY TO GO, BARNEY.

HEY, COME ON. LET'S GO.

- WHERE?
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I JUST CAN'T STAND TO SEE YOU

SITTING AROUND ON
MY MONEY ANYMORE.

ALL RIGHT, MEN.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A
LITTLE POWWOW HERE.

NICK, WOJO, HARRIS...
A FEW WORDS.

NOW?

YEAH, BEFORE YOU
GO SHUFFLING OFF.

SHUFFLING OFF?

YEAH.

SHUFFLING OFF?!

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I DO NOT GO SHUFFLING OFF.

IT IS NOT IN MY NATURE
TO SHUFFLE OFF.

IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.

I WAS ON MY WAY OUT

TO TAKE CARE OF SOME
VERY PRESSING BUSINESS.

YOU PEOPLE GOT SHORT FUSES.

- INSPECTOR LUGER!
- HARRIS.

YOU KNOW, I SHO' WOULD ENJOY

SETTIN' AROUND CHAWIN'
THE HOG WIT' Y'ALL.

BUT, UH, PLAIN TRUTH IS
DAT I GOTS TO GIT MYSELF

SOMEWHERES TO FLOP.

ELSEWISE DIS HERE
INTOLERABLE WEATHER'S

GWINE TA FREEZE
MY BONES FO' SHO!

BYE!

COME ON, LET'S GO.

HE'S A GREAT KIDDER, ISN'T HE?

HE WAS ACTING KIND
OF WEIRD, WASN'T HE?

HE'S BEEN UNDER A LOT
OF PRESSURE OF LATE.

I MEAN, THAT "SHO' NUFF"

AND ALL THAT
"CHAWIN' ON THE HOG..."

HE'S JUST LETTING OFF
SOME STEAM, THAT'S ALL.

NO, IT'S LIKE HE THOUGHT I WAS
A BIGOT OR SOMETHING, BARNEY.

INSPECTOR, BELIEVE ME...

HE WAS UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING,
AND YOU HAPPENED TO BE HERE.

BECAUSE NOTHING COULD BE
FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH, BARNEY.

UH, EXCUSE ME, INSPECTOR.

I MEAN, I THINK OF HARRIS

THE SAME WAY AS I THINK
OF YEMANA HERE, RIGHT?

YEAH. A LOT OF PEOPLE
GET US MIXED UP.

- NICK, YOU WANTED SOMETHING?
- YEAH, BARNEY.

I FINISHED WRITING UP HAMEL.

SHOULD I TAKE HIM DOWNSTAIRS
FOR PRINTS AND PICTURES?

HOLD OFF ON THAT FOR A MINUTE.

I HAVE NOTHING BUT
THE UTMOST RESPECT...

INSPECTOR,
INSPECTOR, BELIEVE ME...

HE DIDN'T MEAN
ANYTHING PERSONAL.

I KNOW A LOT OF THE MEN THINK

I'M AN OLD, OVER-THE-HILL
COP, BARNEY,

WHO COMES IN HERE FROM
TIME TO TIME AND BORES THEM.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

YOU THINK I'M BORING, BARNEY?

INSPECTOR, THERE'S NO REASON...

I ALWAYS THOUGHT I HAD A
PRETTY GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR.

GET OFF A PRETTY GOOD
STORY NOW AND THEN.

I'M NOT EXACTLY, UH,
HERB SHRINER, BUT...

INSPECTOR, YOU WANTED
TO TALK TO THE MEN?

HMM?

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

DIETRICH.

THANKS, BARNEY.

DIETRICH, THEY DUG
A COUPLE OF CASES

OUT OF THE FILES DOWNTOWN.

DO I BORE YOU, DIETRICH?

YOU'D HAVE TO GIVE ME
SOME SPECIFIC EXAMPLES.

OKAY, MR. HAMEL. I GOT
TO PUT YOU IN THE CAGE.

OH...

- HELLO?
- HELLO, HONEY.

I'M MRS. PHILIP HAMEL,
AND MY HUSBAND IS...

PHIL!

HELLO, ARLENE.

ARE YOU IN SOME SORT OF TROUBLE?

INSIDE. INSIDE, HAMEL.

SERGEANT, THIS IS MY WIFE.

HOW DO YOU DO?

PHIL, PLEASE, FOR GOD'S SAKES,
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON.

IT'S MY SPECIMEN... AT THE BANK.

I FOUND OUT THIS
MORNING, IT WENT BAD.

OH, MY GOD!

TAKE IT EASY, MRS.
HAMEL. IT'LL WORK OUT.

HOW?!

BUM DEPOSIT AT THE BANK, EH?

RIGHT.

DEADBEAT.

I'M AFRAID SO.

IS THAT MRS. HAMEL?

YEAH.

HOW'D SHE TAKE THE NEWS?

LIKE A TROUPER.

WELL, I THINK I'LL
SHUFFLE OFF, BAR...

THINK I'LL BE ON MY WAY.

DIDN'T YOU WANT TO TALK
TO THE REST OF THE MEN?

OH, WE TALKED.

RIGHT?

I CAN PERSONALLY
GO BACK DOWNTOWN

AND REPORT THAT THE INTEGRITY,

THE ETHICS OF THIS
SQUAD ARE INTACT.

RIGHT?

SEE YOU AROUND, BARNEY.

I'M, UH... I'M BACK.

Barney: SO I NOTICE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FURNITURE?

IT'S ON ITS WAY TO POUGHKEEPSIE.

NOW, THAT'S A SOLUTION I
HADN'T EVEN CONSIDERED.

WELL, I'VE GOT AN AUNT UP THERE.

SHE SAID SHE'D KEEP THE
STUFF IN HER BASEMENT.

CONGRATULATIONS.

IT'S COSTING ME
250 BUCKS, BARNEY,

FOR HIM TO DRIVE THE
STUFF UP THERE, BUT, UH...

WELL, IT WAS EITHER
THAT OR BUY THE TRUCK.

HARRIS? UH...

WE SEEM TO HAVE
HAD A SLIGHT PROBLEM

COMMUNICATING BACK THERE BEFORE.

I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU

IF I INADVERTENTLY SAID
ANYTHING THAT OFFENDED YOU.

INSPECTOR, UM, I WAS EDGY.

GOOD.

BECAUSE I GOT THE GREATEST
REGARD FOR YOU, HARRIS.

A WARM, PERSONAL FONDNESS.

I THINK YOU'RE A FINE OFFICER
AND A GOOD HUMAN BEING.

THANK YOU, INSPECTOR.

RIGHT.

IT'S SOMETHING LIKE THAT, HUH?

YEAH.

SEE YOU AROUND, BOYS.

EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU IN CHARGE?

YES, I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND,

HE'S NEVER EVER DONE
ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.

HE'S NOT A CRIMINAL.

THE PROBLEM, MRS. HAMEL,

IS THAT I REALLY DON'T HAVE
ANY DISCRETION IN THIS MATTER.

IT'S PRETTY MUCH UP
TO MS. BATEMAN HERE

WHETHER SHE WANTS
TO PRESS CHARGES.

SOMEBODY HAS TO
PAY FOR THE DAMAGE.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT!

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FURNITURE,
PLANTS, OUR GLASS DOOR.

WE'LL PAY FOR THEM.

MR. HAMEL, YOU GO
ALONG WITH THAT?

NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

YOU'LL GO TO JAIL!

GOOD. I'LL MAKE AN
EXAMPLE OF THEM!

BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO
DO WHILE YOU'RE IN PRISON?

ARLENE, HOW LONG IS IT
GONNA BE? A FEW MONTHS?

A YEAR AT THE MOST.

WELL, SUPPOSE I MEET SOMEONE.

OKAY, YOU WIN. BUT I
WANT AN ITEMIZED LIST.

NICK, TURN HIM LOOSE.

I CAN'T THANK YOU
ENOUGH, CAPTAIN MILLER.

DON'T MENTION IT, MRS. HAMEL.

OKAY, JUST SIGN THIS,

AND I'LL GIVE YOU
YOUR VALUABLES.

WELL, YOUR OTHER VALUABLES.

GOODBYE, SERGEANT.
I'M LEAVING NOW.

YEAH, WELL, THANKS
FOR YOUR HELP.

YOU KNOW, WE ALSO
TAKE DONATIONS.

YEAH, I-I LIKE TO GIVE
BLOOD AT THE RED CROSS.

I'M SURE THEY APPRECIATE IT.

HOWEVER, I THINK A MAN LIKE YOU
WOULD WELCOME THE OPPORTUNITY

TO PASS ALONG HIS GENES
TO A WHOLE NEW GENERATION.

WELL, I SORT OF LIKE TO...

KEEP TRACK OF WHERE MY GENES GO.

PITY.

THAT'S IT.

YEAH.

WELL... THANKS.

OH, PHIL, PHIL, IT'S NOT
THE END OF THE WORLD.

IT MIGHT AS WELL BE.

I DON'T GOT ANYBODY
TO CARRY ON MY NAME.

WELL, LOOK, LOOK...
WE CAN ALWAYS ADOPT.

I DON'T WANT TO ADOPT!

I WANT A BOY LIKE ME!

OR A GIRL LIKE YOU.

WITH YOUR FACE.

AND YOUR EYES.

YOUR SMILE.

BUT NOW FORGET IT. IT'S OVER.

COME ON.

THERE IS ONE OTHER ALTERNATIVE.

PARDON ME?

WHEN A COUPLE IS
NO LONGER CAPABLE

OF HAVING A CHILD TOGETHER,
A METHOD MANY PEOPLE CHOOSE

IS FOR THE WIFE TO BE
ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED

USING THE SPECIMEN OF A DONOR

WITH THE SAME PHYSICAL AND
MORPHOLOGICAL CHARACTERISTICS

AS THE HUSBAND.

OKAY... LET'S GO, ARLENE.

CAN THEY REALLY DO THAT?

YES, THEY CAN, MRS. HAMEL.

ARLENE.

WE CAN GO NOW.

WE CAN LEAVE NOW,
RIGHT, CAPTAIN?

YES, YOU CAN GO.

I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE
BEEN INTRODUCED.

FOR GOD'S SAKES, LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE, ARLENE.

I'M ARTHUR DIETRICH.

- HI.
- HI.

- ARLENE.
- WHAT?

LISTEN... YOU WERE RIGHT...

WE CAN ADOPT.

- WHATEVER YOU SAY, HON.
- ALL RIGHT.

I THOUGHT YOU'D GONE HOME.

VERY AMUSING, BARNEY.

SORRY.

HAVEN'T MADE ANY ARRANGEMENTS
FOR ACCOMMODATIONS?

NAH, JUST THOUGHT I'D SPEND
A COUPLE OF NIGHTS HERE.

I MEAN, IF IT'S ALL
RIGHT WITH YOU.

IT'S OKAY BY ME,

BUT I WOULD IMAGINE THERE
ARE BETTER ALTERNATIVES.

EVEN, UM... BUNKING
WITH DIETRICH.

BARNEY, PLEASE, I DON'T
CARE FOR THAT KIND OF TALK.

YOU'RE REALLY LETTING
THIS APARTMENT THING

GET THE BETTER OF YOU.

BARNEY, IT'S...

IT'S NOT JUST THE APARTMENT.

I MEAN, IT'S EVERYTHING.

WHEN I GOT OUT OF SCHOOL,

I HAD A PLAN IN MY HEAD

OF EVERYTHING I WAS
GONNA ACCOMPLISH.

HAD IT ALL MAPPED
OUT... EVERYTHING.

I MEAN, BY THIS TIME,

I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE
MY FIRST NOVEL PUBLISHED,

A COUPLE OF
SCREENPLAYS OPTIONED.

I FIGURED, UM, A STOCK
PORTFOLIO WORTH,

AH, $200,000.

SOUNDS NICE.

AND LOOK AT ME NOW.

I MEAN, I NOT ONLY
DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT,

I DON'T EVEN HAVE
A PLACE TO LIVE.

HARRIS, WE ALL SET
GOALS FOR OURSELVES.

BUT YOU CAN'T
EXPECT TO ACHIEVE IT

ACCORDING TO SOME TIMETABLE
THAT YOU SET UP FOR YOURSELF.

I'M RUNNING REAL LATE, BARNEY.

WELL, LOOK, MAYBE
YOU HAVEN'T ACHIEVED

THE PROGRESS YOU EXPECTED

IN YOUR LITERARY CAREER
OR FINANCIALLY, BUT, UH...

WELL, LOOK AT THIS.

YOU'RE A... YOU'RE A GOOD COP.

YOU'VE DONE DAMN WELL.

I HAD PLANNED TO
BE CAPTAIN BY NOW.

OH, REALLY?

I MEAN, IT CAN'T BE THAT TOUGH.

WELL, I MEAN, UH...

TAKES A LITTLE, UH...

LUCK?

YEAH.

OH, THANK YOU.

AND, OF COURSE, EXPERIENCE.

THANK YOU.

HERE'S THE MANPOWER
REPORT. I'M GONNA TAKE OFF.

- OKAY, GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT.

I THOUGHT YOU'D LEFT.

NAH, I'M GONNA
STAY THE NIGHT HERE.

THAT'S SILLY.

I GOT AN EXTRA BED
JUST LYING THERE.

NAH, IT'S OKAY, DIETRICH.

SURE, I DON'T BLAME YOU.

WHAT?

LISTEN, I KNOW YOU'RE
NOT CRAZY ABOUT ME.

I KNOW I'M OPINIONATED.

I'M INCLINED TO BE A
LITTLE PEDANTIC, I KNOW.

VERBOSE.

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW. I GET
ON PEOPLE'S NERVES.

ALL MY LIFE, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST
ALIENATE PEOPLE.

HEY, LISTEN, MAN.

DON'T, UH...

MAYBE I'LL TAKE YOU UP ON IT.

OH, FORGET IT.

NO, COME ON, I REALLY MEAN IT.

NO, THAT'S OKAY, MAN. FORGET IT.

PLEASE, LET ME
COME HOME WITH YOU.

OKAY.

WANT TO SNAP IT UP?