Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 4, Episode 13 - The Ghost - full transcript

The police do not believe a man who claims he's being visited by a poltergeist. Then they put the man in jail, and strange events begin occurring about the squad room.

YES, MA'AM. WE'LL
FOLLOW IT THROUGH.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

BARNEY, A LADY REPORTS
A DISGUSTING DISPLAY

OVER ON 10th.

AN ORDINARY DISGUSTING
DISPLAY OR SOMETHING SPECIFIC?

A PORNOGRAPHIC BAKERY.

A POR...

SHE SAYS THERE'S A WINDOW
DISPLAY OF CAKES AND PASTRY

THAT ARE SHAPED
LIKE NUDE PEOPLE,

WITH DIFFERENT
PARTS OF THE BODY.

THAT'S SICK.



YEAH, AND SHE'S
PARTICULARLY OFFENDED

BY A PAIR OF, UH,
STRAWBERRY CUPCAKES.

HELLO.

HI.

GOOD MORNING.

HELLO.

UH, YES, MA'AM.

WELL, I'M REAL SORRY
ABOUT THE INTERFERENCE,

BUT THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO
ABOUT PIGEONS ON YOUR ANTENNA.

YES, MA'AM, WELL, YOU SEE,
WE TRIED ARRESTING THEM ONCE,

BUT THE HANDCUFFS KEPT
SLIPPING OFF THEIR LITTLE FEET.

SOMEBODY GOT UP ON THE WRONG
SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING.

SOMEBODY GOT UP OUT
OF THE WRONG BED, PERIOD.

HUH?



MORNING, CAPTAIN.

OH, GOOD MORNING, DIETRICH.

NICK, WOJO.

Wojo: MORNING.

HEY, ROOMIE.

OHH.

I SEE.

NO, YOU DON'T.

HARRIS.

HARRIS, I REALIZE THAT
LIVING WITH SOMEONE

THAT YOU'RE NOT...

USED TO CAN BE DIFFICULT,

PARTICULARLY WHEN YOU'RE
USED TO LIVING BY YOURSELF.

BARNEY, HE GROWS THINGS
ALL OVER THAT APARTMENT.

LOOK, IT'S TEMPORARY.
YOU'LL FIND YOUR OWN PLACE.

BESIDES, YOU CAN'T ASK
HIM TO CHANGE HIS LIFESTYLE

JUST TO ACCOMMODATE YOU.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
INTO GROWING THINGS...

PLANTS, FLOWERS... WHEAT?

WHEAT?

MM-HMM.

12th PRECINCT, WOJCIEHOWICZ.

BARNEY, I'M GONNA
CHECK THE BAKERY SHOP.

OKAY.

THERE A ROBBERY?

A PORNOGRAPHIC BAKERY SHOP.

THE ONE ON 10th?

YOU'VE SEEN IT?

YEAH.

HOW ABOUT THOSE BAGELS?

OKAY, OKAY.

- BARN.
- MM-HMM?

DISTURBANCE OVER ON HOUSTON.

SOME GUY'S RIPPING
APART HIS APARTMENT.

HMM, I KNOW HOW HE FEELS.

DIETRICH, YOU AND WOJO.

GET YOUR COAT.

LONG AS I'M GOING OUT,

ANYBODY WANT ANY DOUGHNUTS?

DOUGHNUTS?

CAKES?

COOKIES?

YOU RASCAL, YOU.

IN HERE, MR. PORTER.

THERE'S NO REASON.
I'VE ASKED HIM TO LEAVE.

I'VE BEGGED HIM TO
GET OUT OF MY LIFE!

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

THIS IS ELLIOTT PORTER,

THE GUY THAT WAS
TEARING UP HIS APARTMENT.

THAT WASN'T ME! LOOK,
I'M NOT A VIOLENT MAN.

I'VE NEVER HARMED ANOTHER
HUMAN BEING IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

HE THREW HIS CAT AT
US WHEN WE CAME IN.

THAT WASN'T ME, EITHER!

WHO WAS IT, MR. PORTER?

GO AHEAD. TELL HIM.

LOOK, DON'T YOU
LAUGH AT SOMETHING

JUST BECAUSE YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

HE SAYS IT WAS A GH-GHOST.

- GHOST?
- GHOST.

A PHENOMENON.

AN INEXPLICABLE, SEEMINGLY
IRRATIONAL OCCURRENCE, WHICH...

AND I DON'T LIKE IT
ANY MORE THAN YOU DO.

MR. PORTER, YOU DO UNDERSTAND

THAT WE HAVE TO PROCEED
ACCORDING TO THE FACTS

AS WE ASCERTAIN THEM?

CONSEQUENTLY, FOR
THE TIME BEING ANYWAY,

WE ARE GONNA HAVE TO HOLD YOU.

YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT?

OH.

OH, JULIUS IS PROBABLY
LAUGHING AT THIS WHOLE THING.

JULIUS?

THE PHENOMENON.

IT'S HIS NAME.

SURE IT ISN'T CASPER? OOOH!

ENGLISH-LITERATURE MAJOR, RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, SERGEANT
DIETRICH WILL BOOK YOU.

IF YOU'LL JUST HAVE A SEAT
OVER HERE, MR. PORTER...

JUST RIGHT OVER THERE.

ALWAYS A LITTLE FRUITCAKE LEFT

- AFTER CHRISTMAS, HUH, BARNEY?
- OKAY, WOJO.

ACTUALLY, HIS STORY
ISN'T TOTALLY FANTASTIC.

OH, YEAH?

THERE'S A LOT OF DOCUMENTATION

ON THE SORT OF
PHENOMENA HE DESCRIBES.

OH, YEAH?

YOU'VE HEARD OF POLTERGEIST?

IT'S A MISCHIEVOUS SPIRIT...

MAKES ITS PRESENCE
KNOWN BY THROWING THINGS,

MAKING NOISES.

PBHT!

YEAH, LIKE THAT.

BARNEY, I WENT TO THE BAKERY.

- THAT THE EVIDENCE?
- RIGHT.

BETTER PREPARE YOURSELF.

NICK, I'M A RELATIVELY
SOPHISTICATED ADULT.

THERE ISN'T TOO MUCH
THAT I HAVEN'T SEEN IN...

IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?

RYE BREAD.

BOY, YOU REALLY GOT TO BE
WARPED TO SO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WHAT THE HELL IS UP
WITH THEM POPPY SEEDS?

ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN,
THE PASTRY SHOW IS OVER.

LET'S GET BACK TO WORK.

CALL THE D.A.'s OFFICE.

SEE IF YOU CAN GET SOME
KIND OF RULING ON THAT.

RIGHT. BARNEY,

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
WHAT WAS GOING ON

IN THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE.

WHAT?

TINY LITTLE PHONIES.

- ANY NEXT OF KIN, MR. PORTER?
- NO.

I DON'T HAVE VERY
MANY FRIENDS, EITHER,

THANKS TO JULIUS.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM?

JULIUS?

OH, HE'S BEEN IN THE
FAMILY FOR YEARS.

DIED IN THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.

OH, REALLY?

SHOT FOR TREASON.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

WHAT?

POLTERGEISTS ARE OFTEN
SPIRITS WHO WERE BOTHERED IN LIFE

AND DIED UNDER TRAGIC
OR BIZARRE CIRCUMSTANCES.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO TELL PEOPLE FOR YEARS.

NOBODY BELIEVES A WORD I SAY.

THAT MAKES SENSE, TOO.

YEAH?

WELL, THERE ARE MANY
INSTANCES OF SUCH PHENOMENA...

INCLUDING VERIFICATION

BY RESPECTED AND
INTELLIGENT PEOPLE.

YEAH, I KNOW THAT.

HOWEVER, SOCIETY STILL REFUSES

TO ACCEPT THE
OBSERVER OF SUCH EVENTS.

FOR THE MOST PART, THEY'RE
CONSIDERED UNRELIABLE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY'RE BRANDED
AS IRRESPONSIBLE,

INSANE, AND EVEN DANGEROUS.

RIGHT!

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD

COMING OUT OF YOUR FAT MOUTH!

HOLD IT DOWN! SETTLE DOWN.

SETTLE DOWN. THIS
IS A POLICE STATION.

LET'S SHOW SOME
COURTESY AND RESPECT.

STICK IT IN YOUR EAR, CREEP.

HEY, THAT DOESN'T BOTHER US.

WE'RE TRAINED TO TAKE
ABUSE FROM HOSTILE CITIZENRY.

YOU LITTLE PIPSQUEAK.

THAT DOESN'T BOTHER
YOU, DOES IT, SIR?

- NO.
- SEE?

LEVITT, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

PATROLMAN PICKED THEM UP IN
FRONT OF AN APARTMENT, SIR...

CAUSING A DISTURBANCE,
PUBLIC NUISANCE, LIKE THAT.

I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

YOU GOT SOME
AUTHORITY AROUND HERE?

SOME.

THEN, KEEP THIS CRAZY
GREEK AWAY FROM ME.

- DARLING...
- SHUT UP, YOU OLD SHEPHERD.

SHEPHERD. I AM A WELDER.

UM, DO YOU KNOW THIS GENTLEMAN?

OF COURSE SHE KNOWS
ME. I'M HER HUSBAND.

BIG MOUTH.

THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND, MA'AM?

WHAT, DO YOU WANT TO
GET TECHNICAL ABOUT IT?

TECHNICAL?

IT'S VERY CONFUSING, SIR.

I'M AWARE OF THAT, LEVITT.

YES, SIR, BUT YOU'RE
ON THE RIGHT TRACK, SIR.

HERE'S OUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE.

BIG DEAL... A PIECE OF PAPER.

I GOT A DRIVER'S LICENSE, TOO.
IT DOESN'T MEAN I OWN A CAR.

MR. DEMITRIUS
STEFANOS AND MISS...

MY PROFESSIONAL
NAME IS TRICIA MORGAN.

PROFESSIONAL?

YOU'RE AN ACTRESS, MISS MORGAN?

YEAH, I HAVE TO BE.

UH, MR. AND MRS. STEFANOS,

I REALLY DON'T THINK
WE CAN HELP YOU...

MAYBE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR?!

I WANT A COURT ORDER
KEEPING THIS GUY OFF MY BACK.

FOR TWO MONTHS, HE'S
BEEN FOLLOWING ME AROUND,

BRINGING ME CANDY,
SENDING ME FLOWERS.

HE'S YOUR HUSBAND!

SO, WHAT'S THAT...
CARTE BLANCHE?

CAPTAIN, I CAN EXPLAIN.

WATCH IT, PLATO.

TRICIA MARRIED ME

SO I COULD STAY IN THIS
COUNTRY PERMANENTLY.

FOR A FEE?

YES.

IT WAS A DOWRY.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S
LEGAL, IS IT, BARN?

I WOULDN'T IMAGINE SO, NO.

ALL I WANTED WAS TO STAY HERE.

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

AND OVER THE LAST TWO MONTHS,

I DECIDED I LOVE HER, TOO.

I DO. I'M NOT ASHAMED OF THAT.

LISTEN, DON'T TALK
TO ME ABOUT LOVE.

- LOVE IS MY BUSINESS.
- DON'T SAY THAT.

SPYING ON ME,
RUINING MY SCHEDULES.

LACK OF ORGANIZATION...

THAT'S WHY 85% OF ALL
SMALL BUSINESSES FAIL.

WOJO, WOULD YOU
CONTACT IMMIGRATION?

I HAVE A FEELING THIS
IS THEIR JURISDICTION.

AND TAKE A STATEMENT FROM...

TRICIA MORGAN.

OVER THERE, LADY.

YEAH, THANKS.

TRICIA, PROMISE ME...

MR. STEFANOS, IF YOU
WILL, OVER HERE. NICK?

YEAH, I'LL BE RIGHT
BACK, MR. STEFANOS.

SAD CASE, EH, SIR?

THEY ALL ARE.

I KNOW HOW HE FEELS.
WOMEN, HUH, SIR?

WOMEN.

SOME GUYS ARE JUST
UNLUCKY. OTHERS ARE CURSED.

UH, YOU WILL EXCUSE
ME, LEVITT. I'VE GOT SOME...

THAT'S WHY SOME GUYS
HAVE TO PAY FOR AFFECTION.

- THEY HAVE TO.
- PERHAPS.

NOT ME, SIR. I WASN'T
SPEAKING OF ME.

ON A PATROLMAN'S
PAY, WHO CAN AFFORD IT?

- WHAT?
- NOTHING, SIR.

OH, NICK, FOR GOD'S SAKES,
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU?

SHOVE THE DRAWER
BACK IN WHEN YOU FINISH.

THIS WON'T HAPPEN.

- I DID, I SWEAR, BARNEY.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

HE'S HERE.

JULIUS?

HE'S FOLLOWED ME HERE.

SIT DOWN.

WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?

I MEAN, THE GALL OF
HIM TO FOLLOW ME HERE!

MR. PORTER, IT WAS
JUST AN ACCIDENT.

YOU PULL THIS DRAWER
OUT TOO FAR, IT FALLS OUT.

DON'T YOU TALK DOWN TO ME!

- HOLD IT.
- DON'T YOU FEEL THE PRESENCE?

DON'T YOU FEEL THE COLD
CLAMMINESS IN THE AIR?

IT'S PROBABLY JUST OUR HEATER.

BETTER GET OUT OF HERE, JULIUS!

THIS PLACE IS LOADED WITH COPS!

JUST TAKE IT EASY, MR. PORTER.

THERE'S MACE, SIR.

STAY THE HELL OUT
OF IT, WILL YOU, LEVITT?

NEGATIVE ON THE
MACE. RIGHT, SIR.

TAKE IT EASY. JUST
TAKE IT EASY. HARRIS?

UH, YEAH, I KNOW
THE NUMBER BY HEART.

IT'S UNFAIR!

IT REALLY IS, YOU KNOW?

THERE ARE A LOT OF UNFAIR
THINGS IN THIS WORLD, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT
WE'RE HERE FOR.

WE'RE HERE TO TAKE CARE OF...

I THINK WE CAN
RULE OUT THE WIND.

AH, MAN, LOOK, IT'S
JUST A MATTER OF,

YOU KNOW, BASIC PHYSICS.

YOU PUT TOO MANY
COATS ON ONE SIDE,

AND IT TIPS OVER.

I SUPPOSE.

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF BALANCE.

YOU KNOW, I SAW
MR. WIZARD EXPLAIN THAT

SITTING ON A TEETER-TOTTER.

TOOK THREE KIDS
TO BALANCE HIM OUT.

OH, YEAH?

WONDERFUL UNIVERSE, AIN'T IT?

MM-HMM.

GOT A PERMANENT ADDRESS?

NO.

I'M ON THE ROAD A LOT.

YOU MEAN ON THE STREET.

THAT SUPPOSED TO BE AN INSULT?

NOPE. I JUST DON'T
LIKE TO MINCE WORDS.

OH. THEN BY ALL
MEANS, LET'S NOT.

OCCUPATION?

NONE.

JUST A LUCRATIVE HOBBY.

MIND IF I GET A CUP OF COFFEE?

HELP YOURSELF.

I CAN'T DESCRIBE THE
FEELINGS I HAD WHEN I...

HMM?

I CAN'T DESCRIBE
THE FEELINGS I HAD

WHEN I SAW THE STATUE OF
LIBERTY STANDING THERE...

BEAUTIFUL, MAGNIFICENT,
COMPASSIONATE.

BUT I'M SURE YOU HAVE
FELT THE SAME WAY.

- I WAS BORN HERE.
- OH.

BUT MY PARENTS
HAD THE SAME FEELING

WHEN THEY FIRST SAW ALCATRAZ.

UH...

AAH!

DAMN IT, JULIUS.

WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?

UCCH!

GET OUT OF HERE! AAH!

- GET AWAY!
- COME ON!

WILL YOU COOL IT
IN THERE, PLEASE?

- AAH!
- COME ON.

TAKE IT EASY, MR. PORTER.

DON'T JUST STAND
THERE, GET HIM OFF OF ME!

MR. PORTER, IF YOU
DON'T CUT IT OUT,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO USE HANDCUFFS!

THANKS.

I THINK YOU SCARED HIM OFF.

HARRIS.

OH, YEAH. RIGHT HERE, BARN.

WHAT'S WITH BELLEVUE?

OH, UH, THEY SAID YOU'LL,
UH, JUST HAVE TO WAIT, BARN.

THEY'VE GOT PRIORITIES.

- PRIORITIES?
- YEAH. YOU KNOW,

SUICIDES, UH,
ANTISOCIAL AGGRESSIVES,

MANIC DEPRESSIVES.

THEY SAID THE, UH, DISILLUSIONED

WILL JUST HAVE TO WAIT.

CAN I HELP YOU?

CARL SIMMS, DEPARTMENT
OF IMMIGRATION.

AH, MR. SIMMS, I'M
CAPTAIN MILLER.

ITALIAN AND IRISH?

UH, NO.

MEDITERRANEAN.

A LITTLE.

IT'S A HOBBY OF MINE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO
STEP IN MY OFFICE?

FINE.

I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE
SOME ILLEGAL ENTRY.

WE'RE NOT SURE WHAT WE'VE GOT.

VIETNAMESE.

OMAHA.

THIS IS SERGEANT YEMANA.

THIS IS MR. STEFANOS,
MRS. STEFANOS.

THIS IS MR. SIMMS,
DEPARTMENT OF IMMIGRATION.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

YES, I KNOW.

THIS WAY.

THEY'RE ALWAYS SO
PLEASED TO MEET ME.

THEY THINK I HAVE THE POWER
OF LIFE AND DEATH OVER THEM.

DON'T WORRY.

I'LL TELL THEM THAT
EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT.

NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.

WELL, AIN'T YOU THE
KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR?

HEY, LADY, THAT AIN'T
NO WAY TO TALK TO HIM.

HE'S DOING YOU A FAVOR.

IF HE WANTS TO DO ME A FAVOR,
HE COULD LEAVE ME ALONE.

I DON'T WANT HIM CALLING ME.
I DON'T WANT HIM BUGGING ME.

I DON'T WANT HIM COMING AROUND.

I DON'T EVER WANT
TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU REALLY WANT,

I WON'T BOTHER YOU

OR CALL YOU OR SEE YOU AGAIN.

I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE.

I AM A MAN OF HONOR.

WHAT I SAY, I'LL DO.

I HOPE SO.

BUT YOU MUST STOP
DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

OH, COME ON.

IT'S NOT NECESSARY FOR
YOU TO SELL YOURSELF TO MEN.

SUPPLY AND DEMAND, BABY.
EVERYBODY'S GOT TO LIVE.

GET A REGULAR JOB.

BE A SECRETARY, SOMETHING LEGIT.

WHY DON'T YOU MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

MINDING YOUR
BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS.

IT'S NOT NECESSARY
FOR YOU TO WORK.

I WILL WORK. I WILL WORK HARD.

I WILL GIVE YOU MONEY.

I WILL GIVE YOU
ANYTHING YOU NEED.

FORGET IT. I'M NOT
A CHARITY CASE.

MR. STEFANOS, I THINK
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

OH, I HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.

OH, FORGET IT.

JUST ANOTHER CHEAP HOOKER.

DON'T YOU EVER SAY
ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN!

I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE
AN OFFICER OF THE LAW.

I WON'T ALLOW IT! I
DON'T CARE IF I GO TO JAIL!

HEY, HEY, HEY.

COME ON, NOW. I
DIDN'T MEAN IT, HUH?

I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S GONNA BE DIFFICULT TO PROVE

THAT THIS MARRIAGE

IS PURELY FOR THE
PURPOSES OF ILLEGAL ENTRY.

OF COURSE. IT'S DIFFICULT.

IT'S ALWAYS DIFFICULT TO BE
THE ONE PERSON RESPONSIBLE

FOR 290,000 IMMIGRANTS INTO
THIS COUNTRY EVERY YEAR.

WHAT AM I, GOD?

WELL, I APPRECIATE
YOUR PROBLEM, MR...

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO LOOK INTO THEIR
PATHETIC, HOPING FACES

AND TO SAY, "YOU, STAY.

YOU, GO. YOU LIVE, YOU DIE."

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

DEALING WITH 290,000
HUDDLED MASSES

YEARNING TO BE FREE?

OH, SURE, "GIVE ME YOUR
TIRED AND YOUR POOR."

BIG TALK FROM A STATUE.

IS THERE FOOD IN THAT BOX?

YOU WOULDN'T WANT ANY.

WHY NOT? OPEN UP.

I JUST DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD SEE IT.

COME ON.

I TOLD YOU.

BIG DEAL... COOKIES.

UH... MR. STEFANOS, MISS MORGAN,

MR. SIMMS HERE WOULD LIKE
TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.

PLEASE, I WILL BE GLAD
TO COOPERATE FULLY.

YOU SEE, THEY'RE ALWAYS
GLAD TO COOPERATE FULLY.

ALL RIGHT, TELL ME THIS.

WAS THE MARRIAGE
EVER CONSUMMATED?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT THAT MEANS.

OH, HEY, IT MEANS DID
YOU AND HER EVER...

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT?

MR. STEFANOS...

I UNDERSTAND.

AND YOU EXPECT ME TO ANSWER?

DO YOU?

A MAN NEVER SPEAKS
ABOUT HIS WIFE THIS WAY.

IT'S DISHONORABLE.

YEAH, I AGREE WITH... DEMITRIUS.

DEMITRIUS.

WELL, GOODBYE, CAPTAIN.

THAT'S IT?

WITHOUT A CONFESSION
OR AN INFORMANT,

THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO.

OKAY.

LOOK, THEY BEAT THE SYSTEM.
THEY GOT AROUND THE LAW.

IT'S THE AMERICAN WAY, NO?

GOODBYE, MR. SIMMS,
AND GOOD LUCK.

HEY, ARMENIAN.

YOUR MOTHER IS FRENCH.

RIGHT.

- AND YOUR FATHER?
- HE'S DEAD.

I MEAN BEFORE.

HE WAS ALIVE.

MR. STEFANOS, MISS MORGAN,
YOU'RE, UH, FREE TO GO.

ABOUT TIME.

WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN?

HEY, WHAT'S THE POINT, HUH?

I SUPPOSE NONE.

THANK YOU FOR THE NEW COUNTRY.

DON'T BE CRAZY. YOU PAID FOR IT.

AND FOR THE PLEASURE
TO HAVE YOU FOR MY WIFE,

IF ONLY IN NAME.

YEAH, WELL...

NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

GOODBYE.

GOODBYE.

SAY, LISTEN, IF YOU EVER
HAVE ANY PROBLEMS...

I MEAN, IF YOU GET
LOST OR SOMETHING...

YOU GIVE ME A CALL, OKAY?

THAT'S VERY NICE.

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

GOODBYE.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU
TO BECOME A CITIZEN NOW?

OH, IN THREE YEARS
I WILL BE ELIGIBLE.

- GOOD LUCK.
- THANK YOU.

I LOOK FORWARD
TO BE NATURALIZED.

AND ALSO... CONSUMMATING.

IT'S THE COUNTRY OF
OPPORTUNITY, ISN'T IT?

BANANA BOAT IS DOWNSTAIRS
FOR AN ELLIOTT PORTER.

LEVITT, WE CAN DO
WITHOUT THOSE PHRASES.

I HEARD HARRIS SAY IT.

WASN'T INTENDED FOR PUBLIC USE.

ALL RIGHT, LEVITT. OPEN IT UP.

RIGHT, SIR.

TAKE PORTER DOWN
TO THE AMBULANCE.

THIS WAY, PLEASE.

OH, SURE. I DON'T MIND.

I'M REALLY NOT INSANE.

THE PSYCHIATRISTS
ARE GONNA PROVE THAT.

I HOPE SO, MR. PORTER.

I SINCERELY HOPE SO.

OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES ONCE SAID,

"INSANITY IS OFTEN THE LOGIC OF
AN ACCURATE MIND OVERTAXED."

THAT'S CRAZY.

GENTLEMEN, DUTY CALLS.

I HEARD THAT, TOO.

HA.

IT'S JUST PROBABLY A COFFEE CUP

I LEFT TOO NEAR THE EDGE OF
THE DESK OR SOMETHING FELL OFF.

PROBABLY.

YEAH, OR A BOOKEND.

OR A PAPERWEIGHT.

YEAH, YEAH, PAPERWEIGHT.

HI.

MY NAME'S ARTHUR.