Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 7 - Grand Hotel - full transcript

Hey, Fish, you want some?

No thanks. What is it?

Oh, nuts, raisins,
dates. Great stuff, man.

Oh. No thanks. I don't want
to louse-up my body chemistry.

Want a prune?

No, thanks.

How many of those
do you eat a day?

Enough.

I never ate a prune in my life.

You're not a
well-rounded person.

I've been eating
prunes for 40 years.



When I was 13, I gave a
girl a necklace of prune pits.

Her mother thought
I was in voodoo.

Stand over here.

You make it easy on us,
we'll make it easy on you.

We need a little
information and then you get

one phone call, understand?

I understand. Sit down!

Okay, here's the story.

I'm in a market buying cream
to go for the coffee over here,

you know? The theater
next door gets ripped off.

Cashier's screamin',
"Police! Police!"

So I tear out of the market

and I go over there and
I immediately determine

that the suspect has robbed
the theater and made a getaway,



so I go to the nearest phone

and report a 1032.

I look across the street, I
see a guy standing there

very uncomfortable.
You know, suspicious?

He sees me, he takes off into an
alley between the two buildings.

You had a busy morning. So

I drop... What? Oh,
no, no. Go ahead.

Right. So I drop the phone,

I grab my piece, I run across
the street, I go, "Hey, hey!

Police. Stop right
there! Freeze!"

He says, "Hey, don't
shoot. I give up." Right?

What were you
doing there, Lenny?

I live there.

Go on, Wentworth.

What?

What does he mean, "What
are you doing there, Lenny?"

What does he mean, "I live... "?

What do you mean,
"Go on, Wentworth"?

Move on with the story. You
arrested Mr. Kelso and...?

Wait. How do you know
his name is Mr. Kelso?

Leonard Kelso.

He's, uh, well-known to the
New York Police Department.

Oh, yeah. He's a repeater, eh?

Oh. Among his
crimes were the, uh,

Brinks armored car
robbery in Massachusetts,

the Getty kidnapping,

the, uh, murder of
Albert Anastasia,

the sinking of the Andrea Doria.

Leonard B. Kelso,
alias B. L. Kelso,

alias Lenny the Confessor.

Twenty-four confessions,
no convictions.

You didn't rob that
theater, did you?

Yes, I did. I give you my word.

How much...? How
much did you get?

Two hundred and
sixty-eight dollars.

Wrong! Three hundred and twelve?

You know what you are?

Wentworth.

You're a...

That's what you are!

Did... Ahem.

Did you, um...

Did you get any other
descriptions or details?

I didn't have to,
did I, captain?

I had the guy that did it.

Okay. Will you write up a
misdemeanor here on Lenny,

and, uh, then you go back
and check out the theater, huh?

While you're out, pick up
some cream for the coffee.

Twelfth Precinct, Fish.

Yes, ma'am.

Ah. We'll... We'll have
someone come over right away.

Barney.

Yeah.

That was the assistant
manager of the Hotel Greenwich.

Oh no.

There's been another
robbery in one of the rooms.

Do you realize that's six
robberies in that one hotel

in the last four days?

Somebody must be warming
up for the Democratic Convention.

Eh, Chano, you
and Fish check it out.

Right, Barney. You
ready to go, Fish?

Yeah,

but business before pleasure.

Okay, Miss Hartstone.

Now, we want you to think
very carefully about the man

who robbed the theater, right?

You're going to be
looking at pictures

of men with criminal records.

We call them mug shots,

and they are in a book
which we call a mug shot book.

Now, your job will be to
very carefully scrutinize

each picture in an attempt to
identify the aforementioned man.

We appreciate very
much you doing this

because we know
it's a very difficult job

because it's very big
book, and it is the first book.

What's so funny?

Uh, nothing. Huh?

Oh, y... I just get a kick
out of the way you work,

you know?

Heh. Heh.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, hey. It means
I like your style.

You know, the way you're
always hustlin' around,

getting everything down.

Catching all the details.
Moving in and out.

Thanks.

Boy, you sure know
how to take a compliment,

don't you?

Not when it's hiding an insult.

It was no insult.

Hey, if I want to insult ya,

I'll make some sarcastic
remark about your hair.

Wojo, as soon as you finish,
I've got some business for you.

You too, Wentworth.

Sir.

I'm telling you, Fish.
You eat funny foods.

That's why you get
sick to your stomach.

It's my eyes.

I got sick because I can't
read in a moving vehicle.

No, it's your ears.

Yeah, uh, all your
balance is up in your ears.

You had 'em, uh,
cleaned out lately?

Get away from me.

What's going on?

No. It's Fish. He's
sick to his stomach

because he eats funny foods.

Hey, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

What happened at the hotel?

We interviewed a Mr. and
Mrs. Armbruster of Dayton, Ohio.

A very professional job,
Barney, just like all the others.

The Armbrusters
slept right through it.

They didn't hear anything,
didn't see anything.

Good for them, bad for us.
What about hotel security?

Heh. Well, we talked
to, uh, Huntsinger.

He's the chief, you know.

He can't come up with anything.

Also, he's afraid
of losing his job.

Okay, send out a flier
on the stolen property.

Right, Barney. You
know, it's a real shame.

I mean, a person can't
go to a hotel anymore

without getting robbed.

That's true. Three
dollars for valet parking.

I gave the kid a quarter
and he looked at me

like I spit in his hand.

Chano, check out petty
cash for me, will ya?

Right, Barney.

Wojo, Wentworth?

Wentworth. Sir.

I want to set up a stake out.

Go down to Manhattan,
uh, South Properties.

Then I want you to go
over to the Hotel Greenwich

and check in as husband
and wife. You got that?

Yes, sir, yeah.
Sure, sure, Barn.

All right. Now, you're
supposed to be affluent.

So don't be afraid to
spread some money around.

Here it is, Barney.

Twelve dollars and 13 cents.

Oh, and, uh, two
IOUs from Yemana.

Charge everything.

Think I have time
to get my hair done?

Boy, you never let up, do you?

My, my, it's good to be
back in the States, isn't it?

Yeah. Greatest
country in the world.

Have you just come
back from the continent?

Yeah, uh, we, uh, just
came back from all of 'em.

We have valet
service from 8 to 10,

and, oh, uh, room
service ends at midnight.

Oh, is that right.

Well, I'll just go out and
get your luggage, Mister, uh,

Wojnowitz?

Wojciehowicz.

You say it just the
way it's spelled.

Wojciehowicz.

Yes, sir.

Oh, hello, room service?

This is Mrs. Wojnowitz in 633.

We'd like to order dinner.

We'd like two shrimp cocktails,

uh, two sirloin
steaks, medium rare,

two caesar salads and we'll
have a bottle of champagne.

Oh, whatever you
have that's amusing.

Thank you.

Say, uh, bellhop.

How many, uh,
rooms on this floor?

Oh, about 35 or 40.

Oh, but you've got
a lot of privacy here.

It's an old hotel. The
walls are two feet thick.

Why, you could do anything
you wanted in this room

and no one would ever know it.

Yeah, well, uh,

I don't think we'll be
doing anything special.

Well, "Chacun a son goût," sir.

Uh, right, same to you.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I gave him five bucks,
he didn't even blink.

Heh. It's inflation.

You used to be able to get
a good blink for two bucks.

Not anymore.

Pretty fancy here, huh?

Yeah.

It's a nice change.

Well, uh, that's why I like
being a cop, you know?

You get to do stuff
like this once in a while.

This reminds me of a
place my parents took me to

in Atlantic City
when I was a kid.

That right.

Yeah.

My old man never
took us on a vacation.

He didn't believe in them.

Thought they were slothful.

He used to have us all
working on Easter Sunday.

He'd say, uh, "If the Lord
can get up and move a rock,

so can you."

Hey, how much
do you think that...?

How much do you
think that meal cost?

Plenty.

It's a good thing we're working,

I would never be able
to afford to take you

to a nice place like this.

Women don't take me places.

Hey, look, I go to a hotel
with a woman, I take her.

She don't take me.

Okay.

You make it sound
like a tug of war.

Oh, yeah, so maybe
I'm old-fashioned.

"Chacun a son goût."

Great. That's what
the bellhop said.

That's right, he ought to know.

It's French for
"Whatever turns you on."

Thought it had something
to do with your health.

It does.

Look, uh,

I guess... I guess we
ought to go downstairs

and check out the hotel.

I think we ought to unpack

and make it look
like we belong here.

Yeah, right.

Uh, is that what you sleep in?

Yeah.

What do you think, should
I put this under my pillow?

I would, if you're
gonna sleep in that.

That's the nicest thing
you ever said to me.

Oh, yeah, well,
you're all right.

You're not so bad yourself.

Guess either one of us could
have ended up with Fish, huh?

What do you think?

It's not room service
sounding like that.

No, no, no. Wait, wait.
We'll blow our cover.

Okay. So, what do we do?

Just... Just act natural.

Oopsy-doodle.

I w... W... I thought
the room was empty.

Excuse me if I interrupted.

Not that I saw anything.

Well. Have a nice night.

Yeah, okay, I'll tell him.

Hey, Barney.

Huh? That was Kogen.

You know the security guy
from the hotel, Huntsinger?

He's on his way
up with a suspect.

Huntsinger? Yeah.

What happened to
Wentworth and Wojo?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Call the hotel, find them.

Right, Barney.

Get in there, punk.

You know, you
don't have to shove.

Shut it up, you're in
enough trouble already.

For what? We didn't do anything.

Wait, wait. I'm Captain
Miller, Mr. Huntsinger.

What's...? What is it?

Third-degree rape.

Caught him in the hotel
with a 17-year-old broad.

Do not call her a broad.
Her name is Shirley Webster,

and she lives at
713 West 24th Street.

And we're engaged.

They registered as
Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

You got no imagination, kid.

What's your name?

Howard Smith.

Okay, so his name's Smith.

He was still shacking
up with a minor.

We weren't shacking up.

We had a, uh, rendezvous.

Where's the girl?

I turned her over to
the Youth Authority.

Look, we've been going
together for over a year.

Now, we both live at home
and we both go to school,

so we're not Mr. and
Mrs. Smith yet,

but we will be.

And we love each other.

We... We just
wanted a little privacy.

What's the matter with
the back seat of a car?

Mr. Huntsinger.

Charlie.

Mr. Huntsinger, what
do really got on 'em?

They registered, didn't they?

Yeah, but we didn't do anything.

Shut up.

I let myself into the
room adjoining theirs.

I watched them through the door.

You know, Mr. Huntsinger?

What you do for a living,
we arrest people for that.

Yeah, he came
busting into the room.

Then the punk threw
something at me.

It was my wallet.

I thought that's what he wanted.

Have you ever been
arrested before?

Never.

Mr. Huntsinger, can I
speak to you in my office?

Fish, run a check on the kid
and give me a preliminary report.

Hey, make sure my
name is on that report.

Uh, I can appreciate

the pressures
you're under, Charlie.

Tell me about it.

Six robberies in four days.

I can't come up
with one solid lead.

We've got the same problem.

Yeah, but you don't have to
deal with my management.

If I know them, they'll
blame it on my drinking.

Drinking on the job?

I do now.

Look, uh, Charlie,

you don't really want to hang
that kid out there, do you?

Well, is it okay with
you, what they done?

Oh, of course not.

Of course not.
It's not okay with...

I got a 17-year-old
daughter myself.

Who I hope has enough
sense to stay out of hotels.

Particularly yours.

I'm talking about the
punishment fitting the crime.

Hey, I'm no judge.
Neither are you.

Third-degree rape.
That's pretty rough.

Come on. Don't give me that.

You know the law, so do I.

I was a cop too once, like you.

Nineteen years, till they pulled
the rug out from under me.

What happened?

Nothin'.

Well. A little of
this, a little of that.

Nothin' that everybody
else wasn't doin'.

Baby, if I had wanted to spill my
guts to the Knapp Commission,

that movie would have
been called, Huntsinger,

not Serpico.

Yeah?

Barney, Wojo and Wentworth
are back from the hotel.

They got a collar.

We caught her,
Barney, red-handed.

No wonder the city is broke.

Cops living in
such a fancy hotel.

Hey, that's Wilson,
one of our maids.

No more I ain't. I quit.

Wait till you hear this.

You wanna tell him
or you want me to?

Well, if I...

We left our room,
pretending to go downstairs

to the bar for a drink.

Ha-ha. We went one floor,
got off, walked up the stairs

to stake out the hall.

So we see her going into
our room. Into the room.

And wait till you
see what she does.

Wallets, necklaces,
watches, rings.

An ash tray?

Well, everybody takes those.

Yeah. That's the
way she works, Barn.

She goes into a room, she
puts all the stuff into the bag,

you know? And
then she just splits.

Well, you really have
been cleaning up.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Book her, Wentworth.

Well, the ironical part is

that I got into this
business in the first place

because I hated housework.

Got anything yet on him, Fish?

All right, now look,
Howard, we're checking up

on everything you told
us and if it's the truth,

I'm going to try and
get a break for you.

But look, if you're
going to play the game,

at least learn the rules.

In addition to all those
other normal instincts

you're expressing, leave
a little room for discretion.

You're going to
wind up behind bars.

Listen to what the
captain says, son.

I wish someone had
threatened me when I was young.

Where do you go to school?

Julliard.

Julliard?

I got a daughter
that goes to Julliard.

No kidding?

Rachael Miller. You
happen to know her?

No, sir.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Huntsinger?

Huntsinger, I want
to make a deal.

What kind of a deal?

The kid for the maid.

Why do you want the short end?

You got children?

No. I got a cat.

Huntsinger, take the deal.
The hotel will kiss you for it.

That maid's not your collar.

Those two are not
gonna give her up.

I have a very good
relationship with my people.

What do you say, we got a deal?

It's a deal.

Wojo, Wentworth, can I
talk to you in my office?

Sure. No problem.

Excuse me.

I want you to
give up your collar.

Hey. No. No. Wh...?

I'm going to give
it to Huntsinger,

the head of
security at the hotel.

What for? What are you kidding?

For dropping a
third-degree rape charge

against that kid out there.

You wanna drop a
ra...? I don't believe it.

It's not what it sounds like.

Huntsinger is afraid
of losing his job,

and he's leaning
heavy on the kid.

Hey, wait a minute. I
don't understand, Barn.

You never been for
swapping collars before.

Wojo.

Wojo, two kids in love,
they check into a hotel.

It's illegal, yes.
Stupid, right.

But, come on. Huntsinger's
pushing the maximum.

Hey, just for a minute,

try to imagine
how those kids felt.

Put yourselves
in their position.

Well, uh,

sure wish you wouldn't
put it like that, Barn.

Come on, what do you say?

Listen, a collar's a collar.

And a rose is a rose,

and, uh, tomorrow's another day,

and, oh, what the hell.

Miss, uh, Hartstone, heh,

I don't know about you,

but the rest of us
are going home.

Now, I don't want you to
feel we don't appreciate

what you've been doing here.

But, uh, why don't you
come on back in the morning

and you can finish up
with the books, huh?

Here's a list of four men.

One of them might
be the holdup man.

Ah. What about these other guys?

You've got about 16 names here.

Oh, they're all sex offenders.

Do you recognize any of them?

No. Just doodling.

Oh.

Okay, where are you?

All right. You just hold on,

and we'll have somebody
there in a couple of minutes.

I know. Just hold on.

Captain? Huh?

Some lady just called
from a booth over on 11th.

Some wacko just snatched
her purse and her dog.

A poodle about
that big, she s...

Probably thought it was a muff.

Send a patrol car.

Excuse me, may I
speak with someone?

Come on in, Mr. Kelso.

You see, Wojo, sooner
or later in this game of life,

a man gets tired
of being a spectator.

Sit down, Lenny.