Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 8 - Discovery - full transcript

Hey. Hey, hey. Wait,
hold it. Stop, thief!

Somebody stole my words.

Look at that. Man, I've
been typing for 15 minutes,

and there's not one
letter on this page.

I think your ribbon died.

What are you talking about?

It was fine when I
got here this morning.

Yeah, well,
sometimes they go fast.

You know, just
like that. Tension.

Hey, Fish.

Hey, you okay, Fish?



Yeah, I'm just sick and tired

of violence on television.

Wow, Fish, I didn't know
you even stayed up that late.

They showed a movie last night

where they made old people

into crackers and fed
them to young people.

Hey, wow. I mean,
it was just a movie.

Yeah, but the way
they explained it,

it made a lot of sense.

It was depressing.

Paychecks.

Hey, we lucked out again.

Wojo. Harris.

Thank you.



Hey, Barney, you think
you could okay a requisition

for a new typewriter ribbon?

You're out of luck. They
turned me down for soap.

Wish I'd known that before.

But you got your paycheck.

Thanks. All I gotta do now

is find a place
that'll cash it for me.

Don't press your luck.

Good morning.

How are you?

You all right?

Didn't sleep too good.

Nightmares.

I dreamt about
children growing up

and getting their
permanent teeth.

You gotta watch what you eat.

You're not kidding.

Funny, can't find
a check for you.

Oh, it's gonna be
a wonderful day.

I must have left it on my desk.

Hey, Fish, if they
don't pay you,

don't do any typing, huh?

They gotta pay me.

The government is
depending on me for support.

Maybe after they
took their share,

there wasn't
anything left for you.

Well, they usually
give me a stub anyway.

I can't understand this,
Fish. I can't find the check.

I'll have to call Payroll.

Let me do it.

I've had dealings with
these people before.

You gotta be tough with them.

Scare 'em a little.

Oh, hello.

This is Sergeant Fish
at the 12th Precinct.

He certainly scared me.

The coffee's a funny color.

It's maroon.

How did it get to be maroon?

It's the color spectrum.

You mix brown coffee
with yellow water,

and you got maroon.

Why is it fizzing?

It's the air sneaking out
of the cracks out of the cup.

I beg your pardon?

But that can't be.

I am Sergeant Phillip K. Fish.

But your records must be wrong.

Lady, who are you
gonna listen to?

Me or your computer?

It doesn't look good.

You won't believe this, but
according to their records,

I'm deceased.

It's... It's probably a mistake.

I wonder.

Uh, 12th Precinct,
Detective Harris.

Yeah.

Where?

Okay, thank you.

Uh, Barney, it's
the fire department.

They said there's a cuckoo
in the park who's threatening

to jump off the Washington Arch.

Go over there and
give them a hand.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, Chano. Do you want
to join the sweet talk squad?

Why not, man?

You're gonna need all
the charm you can get.

Oh, man. Come on. Right on.

I'm dead.

And I didn't even go out
of the house all weekend.

You can't be dead.

There was nothing in
the papers about you.

Yeah, Fish. It's the computers.

I mean, they assign a
number to everybody,

and then they make a mistake.

Nobody ever misses a number.

Crackers, either.

Look in a box of crackers.

If one is missing,
nobody notices.

Don't worry about it.

They'll straighten it out.

I don't like it here.

Will you stop being silly?

It's the police.

Come on.

I don't want to
go through with it.

We...

This is enemy territory.

Don't be ridiculous.
These are my friends.

Oh, hello, Marty.

What can we do for you today?

Captain, this is my
friend, Darryl Driscoll.

Darryl, this is
Captain Barney Miller.

How are you?

I feel threatened.

Darryl has a problem.

No kidding.

He's the one I was
telling you about.

Captain, can we
speak to you privately?

Step in my office.

Thank you. Come, Darryl.

Thank you very much, captain.

Oh, hey, Barn. Huh?

Listen, uh,

if you need any help in
there, we'll be right here.

Thanks, Woj.

Knowing that I
can face anything.

Whoa, those guys
make me nervous.

Well, it takes all
kinds to make a world.

That's why we're
not all Chinese.

You know, if I really was dead,

I'd be worth just under $57,000.

I would have had that
much if I'd had died

the day before I
made my first bet.

You're practically
a millionaire.

Well, that's counting life
insurance, social security,

widow's pension.

But you're still alive.

Yeah. Tough luck.

Darryl was arrested the
other day by a detective

from this precinct.

What charge?

Being unique.

Is that all?

He was coming out of the
Velvet Den when he was busted.

Drunk?

No.

I was enthusiastic.

Well, anyway, captain,

he was never
brought to the precinct

because he had
to buy his way out

for $50.

Are you serious?

Are you accusing one
of my men of extortion?

I told you he'd be angry.
We'll never be seen again.

Look, Mr. Driscoll,

if you got hustled,
I guarantee you

it was nobody
from this precinct.

All I know is, he
showed me his badge,

he said he was
from this precinct,

and he gave me a choice.

Either pay through the
nose or bleed through it.

And, God, I already
have a deviated septum.

All right, uh, what
did he look like?

He was ugly.

Tall ugly or short ugly?

When you're ugly,
what's the difference?

He was a few inches
shorter than I am.

About 5'11"?

No, about 6'3". I was
wearing my platforms.

All right, obviously you
were hustled, Mr. Driscoll.

But just to clear the air,

I want you to take a look
at every man in this squad.

Come on outside.

Uh, 96, 97... Mm, okay.

Hold it, Wojo.

Mr. Driscoll, this is Detective
Sergeant Wojciehowicz.

Have you ever seen him before?

I haven't had the pleasure.

What, uh...?

What's goin' on, Barn?

Just making a point. Nick.

Yeah.

Mr. Driscoll.

No, he wasn't Chinese.

Neither am I.

Fish. Yeah?

Fish, would you mind
standing up and let, uh...

Letting Mr. Driscoll
take a look at you?

Sure.

Doctor Driscoll, how are you?

He's not a doctor.

Then what does he want
to take a look at me for?

Him, I would remember.

Was he black?

No.

Did he have an accent? No.

Okay, that takes care
of Chano and Harris.

Wojo, some joker running
around playing detective,

shaking down gay bars.

Check out the m.o. and see if
you can come up with something.

All right, Barn. Mr. Driscoll,

I'm gonna show you
pictures of all the personnel

attached to this precinct.
Uniform and detectives.

I want you to go through them

and see if there is
anybody you recognize.

Sit right here.

Oh, thank you.

I want all the
personnel records.

I want Mr. Driscoll
to go through them.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

You know, you know, you
look exactly like Boris Karloff?

That's because we're both dead.

Okay, Chano, let's
get him booked.

Really, I feel embarrassed.

This is terribly...
Mr. Bucholtz,

there's no reason
to feel embarrassed.

These are very emotional
times we're living in.

Now empty your pockets.

But I wasn't going
to jump, I tell you.

Then why did you climb up
on top of the Washington Arch,

Mr. Bucholtz?

Because it's there.

What did he mean by that?

George Herbert Leigh Mallory.

He said that on the day
he climbed Mount Everest.

He went up and never came down.

No kidding? Yeah.

Sheesh! See that, Mr. Bucholtz?
See how lucky you are?

Come over here. Have a
seat. Come on, have a seat.

Nobody's gonna hurt
you. We're gonna book you

and then you go to
Bellevue Hospital.

Bellevue? Yeah.

What for?

Because it's there.

Driscoll, take your
time, go through these

and if anyone looks
familiar to you, let me know.

Oh, I hope it
doesn't take too long.

I have a lecture at noon.

Oh, you go to school?

No. I'm having
lunch with my mother.

I need an hour off.

Personnel says they
can't give me my check

till I come downtown.

Okay. Go ahead.

I... I have to prove I'm alive,

And that's not gonna be easy.

Hey, uh, Barney?

We've got a Mr. Arthur Bucholtz

who, uh, demands to speak
to someone who is in authority.

Is this the attempted
suicide in the park?

Yeah. He says it's all a
complete misunderstanding.

He never intended to jump.

What was he doing up
on top of Washington Arch?

I don't know.

Maybe he was trying to
get even with the pigeons.

Mr. Bucholtz, uh,

you wanted to talk to
me. I'm Captain Miller.

Captain. Yes, yes. I'm...

I'm terribly sorry
to trouble you at all,

but this is all so unnecessary.

Couldn't we just forget
that it all happened?

I'm afraid we can't
do that, Mr. Bucholtz.

You see, regardless
of your intention,

what you did was
against the law.

Uh, address
please, Mr. Bucholtz?

Uh, Gramercy
Apartments. 212 West 11th.

Now, those are
very nice apartments.

Captain. Captain, really,
there is no necessity

to send me to the hospital.

Have you contacted
your family yet?

I don't have a family.

You're not married?

No. No, I'm divorced.

Oh. That's a shame.

It's amicable. We're
very good friends.

You live alone, Mr. Bucholtz?

Of course I live alone!
What do you think I am?

Mr. Bucholtz, we're gonna try

to make this as
painless as possible.

You get one phone call.

First we're going to take you
downstairs, photograph you,

fingerprint you.
Won't hurt you a bit.

Please, can I have
a drink of water?

Sure, right behind you.
There's a water fountain.

Chano. Yeah.

Take it easy on
him. Sure, Barney.

Have you called Bellevue yet?

Yeah, just called them.

Yeah, everything's
taken care of.

Hey, hey, wait!

Harris. We'll get him, Barney.

Kogan. Kogan, we got a suspect
running loose in the building.

Back stairs. Right.

That guy's some fruitcake, huh?

No offense.

Listen and don't try that
again. It's very foolish.

I feel very embarrassed.
Really, I'm...

Maybe you wouldn't feel
so embarrassed if you'd stay

in one place for a few
minutes. How about that.

It was just a momentary
outbreak of panic. What's the fuss?

Look, you are not walking
out of a coffee shop.

This is a police station.

And we've got the
coffee to prove it.

Mr. Bucholtz, for your
own self-protection,

we're gonna have to, uh,
restrict your movements.

Harris, let's put
him in the cage.

No, I promise, I
won't go away again.

Come on, it'll be better all
the way around. Come on.

Hey, uh, Barney, uh, we...

Man... Manhattan...

Manhattan South is
checking out the hustler.

Good.

We got anything
in our file on it?

Uh, I-I'll check it out.

Uh, Barn, how do you...?

How do you think
guys get like that?

Who knows? Could be anything.

Some small
psychological phenomenon

that's ticked off by anything.

Diet?

It's possible.

I try to keep a good
eye on my starches.

You worried?

Me? No!

Well, um, every once in a while,

I sort of wonder.

Don't you?

No.

Oh, I guess... I guess
that's one of the things

I admire about you, Barn.

Has anybody got a cigarette?

I do.

May I, captain?

Go right ahead.

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

It's none of my
business, Mr. Bucholtz,

but take it from
someone who knows.

Suicide is not the answer.

Oh, I wasn't going to jump.

I was just looking around.

I know. I've seen
that view myself.

We all have, uh,
different problems.

I wanted to be John
Wayne until I was 17.

And then one day
I didn't anymore.

I just wanted to die.

What made you change your mind?

Well, I was standing on the
railing of the Brooklyn Bridge,

and this car came by
and they had their radio on

and Doris Day was
singing, "Qué Será Será,"

and I thought, "You
know, she's right."

There's nothing wrong with me.

I'm a perfectly normal man.

Well, if you want
to settle for that,

it's all right by me.

Barney,

the guys from Bellevue
are here to pick up Bucholtz.

Uh, Harris. Yeah, Barney.

Get him ready. Okay.

Hey, Barn,

I got some make
sheets here on guys

who have a history of, uh,
beatin' up the opposite sex.

Are you referring to women?

No, no, I'm... I'm
talking about those guys.

They're not the
opposite sex, Wojo.

Well, they are so for of me.

Aren't they?

I don't care. It's
none of my business.

Wojo, they prefer
to be called gay.

Yeah, yeah. I know
what they prefer. It's...

I just have, uh,
trouble sayin' it.

Okay, come on, Mr. Bucholtz.

Where are you taking me?

Look, don't worry, Mr. Bucholtz,

nobody's going hurt you, okay?

But I want to know
where I'm going.

Look, it's gonna be okay.

You, uh...?

You got a customer for Bellevue?

A guy named Bucholtz?

Oh, my God!

All right, now. Come on, buddy.

We're just gonna
take a little ride!

Take it easy, take it easy.

Take it easy, Mr. Bucholtz.

These men are just
coming to take you down

to see a doctor at a hospital.
They just want to talk to you.

I don't have to go there.
We could talk on the phone.

You don't wanna do
that to the nice doctor.

You'll hurt his feelings.

Now, don't come near me!

I swear, I'll jump!

Jump where?

It's just an expression.

I won't be taken out of
here tied up like an animal.

Mr. Bucholtz, we're
trying to help you.

But I'm fine.

Please, don't you
understand? I'm fine.

If you people would
please just leave me alone.

Please, I'd be fine.

Mr. Bucholtz?

Mr. Bucholtz?

Go get him, Al, huh?

Wait a minute, I just
explained everything downtown.

They're from Bellevue
for Mr. Bucholtz.

Oh.

For a moment I
thought it was IRS.

Mr. Bucholtz.

Mr. Bucholtz, you're
behaving very badly.

Tell those men that there
is no need for that jacket!

There's nothing wrong with me!

Yeah, Mr. Bucholtz,
what you say...

What you say would
carry a lot more weight

if you weren't saying
it from under a desk.

Where's Captain Miller?

He's talkin' to the
guy under the desk.

Oh, my God! That's the man!

What? That's the guy
that did the hustle?

Yes, I told you he was ugly.

You were being kind.

Barney. Barney, you should
come and see this guy.

Don't disturb Mr. Bucholtz.

Can I help you? I'm,
uh, Captain Miller.

Sergeant Forbes,
Manhattan South. Right.

We got a call from here
about a gay hustle. Yeah.

I think we've got a positive ID.

Oh, that's him.

Oh, yes. Yes. No
question about it!

Where'd you pick him up?

Outside of Gogies.

The, uh, gay bar on 2nd Avenue?

That's right.

I just walked out
and he grabbed me.

He thought you were gay?

A detective sergeant in
a New York police force?

Qué será será.

Hey, captain, uh, could I use
your witness for this collar?

Yes, certainly.
Certainly. Uh, Mr. Driscoll,

would you go with
Sergeant Forbes?

It would be my pleasure.

I told you they were human.

Uh...

Forgive me, Mr. Bucholtz.
Something came up.

I understand, captain.

You know, Mr. Bucholtz, I'm
not an expert on these matters,

but it appears to me you're...

You're not really getting
any answers under there.

So what would you suggest we do?

What I suggest?

Yeah.

I suggest that I be
allowed to walk out of here

with some dignity.

Now that makes sense.

Thank you.

You can put that way,
Mr. Bucholtz doesn't need that.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

Thank you for
your consideration.

I'm a very sick man,
but I've got a lot of class.

Man.

You know, that dude
is really in bad shape.

I-I wonder what
finally shook him loose.

It's probably gambling.

No, man. Money doesn't do that.

It's injustice that
drives a man insane.

Ah, he's just getting old.

Yeah, and out of shape.

No, man, it's more
complicated than that.

Don't you think, Barney?

Sure.

Fear, guilt.

The man's beating himself
for something he did.

"Whom the gods would
destroy they first make mad."

Ah.

That's beautiful.

Who, uh...? W-Who said that?

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Harris, how do you
know all these things?

Man, when I was
a kid, I stole books.

Oh, oh. Hey.

Yeah?

All the guys are checked
out, Barn. See you tomorrow.

Okay. Woj, before you go,

Sergeant Forbes over at
Manhattan South called.

He wants you to meet
him down at headquarters.

Something about
that extortion case.

Um...

I don't have to go, do I, Barn?

Sure, you have to go.

We're expected to cooperate

with all divisions
of the department.

Yeah, but, uh...
But Forbes, uh...

Don't jump to any
conclusions, Wojo.

Yeah, yeah. Well...

Y-You suppose there's
any, uh, you know,

funny cops in the department?

You mean cops with
a sense of humor?

You know what I mean, Barn.

I mean cops that are g-gay.

Wojo, I wouldn't
have the slightest idea.

Boy, you'd think guys

would find something better
to do in their spare time.

You, uh...

You are gonna stop
by at Manhattan South

on your way home, huh?

Yeah, but I ain't stayin' long.

You know, uh...

I sure am glad God gave
me an interest in bowling.