Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 13 - Hot Dogs - full transcript

Mr. Victor, how long has
your wife been missing?

Since last night. I came home
from work and she wasn't there.

Uh, Mr. Victor, we...

We really file a case until
a person's been missing

for at least 24 hours unless
there was some definite evidence

of foul play.

Oh, but there is, you see.

Last night was a Monday night.

Uh, Jean would never
have gone out on a Monday.

Why not?

Well, because Monday, it's...



It's our special night.

Rhoda, Phyllis,
All in the Family,

Maude.

I mean, she wouldn't
have missed those

unless she was
taken away by force.

Wait right here, Mr. Victor.

Hi, Fish, how are you doing?

My doctor says I'm obese.

You mean fat?

He's entitled to his opinion.

I have to lose 15 pounds.

Why don't you get yourself
a bicycle? That'll take it off.

Bicycles aren't good for you.

What are you talking about?
They're terrific exercise.



The seats will
ruin you for life.

I had a paper
route when I was 9.

You have the right
to remain silent.

I do not hear this!

Wha! Wha! Wha! Wha!

Whoa! Hold it! Knock it off!

What's going on out here?

He won't let us
tell him his rights.

Rights? What rights?
I have no rights.

I am a human
being without rights!

Okay, sit down.
Sit down right there.

Now, what is this?

David Gordon, age 22.

Possession of narcotics
with intent to sell.

Uh, excuse me, uh, where
do you keep your arrest forms?

What?

Arrest forms.

Over by the door.

Thank you.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, who are you?

Uh, Carney Turner.

From where? Downstairs.

Uh, can I borrow
your typewriter?

Thank you.

Wait, hold it... Look,
hold on, hold on.

Just... Just...
Just take it easy.

Where did you find him?

Oh, we nailed him
right on campus.

I hope you're proud of
your two little fascists.

Wonder Woman and
the, uh, foxy stormtrooper

posing as students.

Would you just sit
down, Mr. Gordon?

Who assigned you to this case?

Uh, nobody actually assigned us.

No. You see, we knew that
pushers were working the school,

so, uh, we enrolled as students,

and then kind of nosed around
until we picked up on this guy

a couple days ago.

Uh, we kept him under
surveillance until yesterday,

and then I let him
pick up on me.

I should have known
they were finks.

They didn't take notes.

We told him that we
wanted to make a connection

and he said to meet him this
morning in front of the library.

I was trying to get them
to better themselves.

Who's your C.O.?

Lieutenant Fuller.

I can't believe that this
is happening in America.

Besides that, he had a
dog and it tried to bite us.

He hates injustice
just as much as I do.

He chased the car halfway here.

I pity you if he ever
catches up with you.

Lieutenant Fuller'
not on duty until 4:00.

Oh, no. No, no.
Neither are we sir.

We did this on our own time.

And, uh, we'd like to have
credit for the collar, sir.

Right.

Can I talk to you ladies
in my office just a minute?

Fish, put him in the cage.

All right, son.

In there.

You think we're gonna get it?

I think we are gonna
be commended.

I think we're gonna get it too.

You look a little
old to be a cop.

It's the light in here.

Nick? Yeah.

Nick, my doctor says I
have to lose 15 pounds.

Any suggestions?

You know what they say is the
best way to knock off calories?

What? Sex.

Really?

Who do I know that also
needs to lose weight?

Yes, I... I understand,
commissioner.

Well, as I... As I said,
without my knowledge.

Well, of course I understand
the implications. I mean...

Well, if you pardon
my saying it, sir,

if the chancellor
had done something

about the drug situation
on his own campus, my...

My people wouldn't feel the
need to invade an institute

of learning.

In writing?

If it's absolutely necessary.

Then why don't I do that.

Yes, commissioner. Yes, sir.

Very well said, captain.

Right on.

That was not for your benefit.

What follows is
for your benefit.

From now on, you will do
exactly as you are assigned,

and stop hot-dogging it
around in my department.

Now, is that understood?

Yes, sir.

Back to woman's work.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know, typing, filing.

We all do that.

Dusting.

Windows.

Come on, don't hand me that.

There's plenty of normal
police activity to go around.

Oh, sure, traffic violations
and shoplifting detail.

You don't make detective
by arresting little old ladies

for stuffing radios
up their jumpers.

You don't make points

by creating
embarrassing situations

for your superior officers.

Now, I have got to go
over to that university

and do some fancy explaining.

It's a lot of years
since I was called down

to the principal's office.

We just thought a narcotics bust

would get someone from Division

to sit up and notice us.

Oh, someone from the Division
is on his way down right now

to notice you in person.

Okay, Mr. Victor, we're
gonna do everything we can.

Do... Do you have a
picture of Mrs. Victor?

Yeah, I have some
at the apartment.

You'll be needing them, I guess.

Yeah, sure, that way
we can send out flyers.

I'll bring them back
as soon as possible.

Okay.

You don't know how it feels
to... To come home and...

And find that your...
Your wife is gone.

Vanished without a trace.

Can you imagine
what that's like?

See, when the people
lose faith in government,

it gives way to anarchy.

You know what anarchy is?

That's when
everybody runs around

doing whatever
they feel like doing.

Like the Jets.

Yeah.

Now, you see
that guy over there.

He's got no business
being in there.

Not yet, anyway.

Ah, there they are.

The anarchists.

Didn't anybody ever tell you
to keep your sticky lady fingers

to yourself?

Is he from headquarters? This
is Sergeant Amangual Chano.

You know these ladies?
Only by reputation,

and at a distance.

Barney, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Do you know the case
I've been working on?

Three weeks I've been
working on this bust.

Out of nowhere,
these two come along.

I agree.

They used very bad judgment.

Look, they... He's
nothing, this guy, Barney.

That's some wonderful attitude.

I've been working
on his supplier.

That's what I
want. Now, forget it.

Hey, look, come
on, we didn't know

anybody was catching this drop.

Oh, I get it.

You learn how to
talk like a detective,

so now you think
you're a detective.

Take it easy. I've read
them chapter and verse.

We'll share the collar with
you if that's what you want.

No, I couldn't
think of doing that.

No, listen, I want you ladies
to take full credit for this mess.

Listen, that's it...
Break it up, break it up.

There's plenty of work
for everybody to do.

In their own department.

My goodness, you Latins
are pretty when you get mad.

Eyes snapping, teeth flashing.

Come on, come on, you got
15 minutes to get into uniform.

Let us not smudge what is fast
becoming an illustrious career.

Let's go, partner. I'm
not through with him yet.

Come on, policewoman,
let's get our sticks and chalk.

There are 8 million
tires in the naked city,

and we're gonna
mark some of them.

Bye, y'all.

You know something,
he's not very nice.

Twelfth Precinct, Yemana.

Yes, ma'am. Screaming?

What sort of scream?

Well, ma'am, there are
different sorts of screams.

Were they screams of pleasure?

I mean, uh, did it sound
like somebody needed help,

or was it just sort
of an opinion?

Look, kid, I don't want
to waste time with you.

You want to take the rap
or do you want to cooperate?

Listen, I wasn't
selling nothing.

I only smoke occasionally,

and that's just to relieve
the tensions of the day.

Okay, if you weren't selling,
where were you buying?

Anywhere you want.

This town has more
places to buy grass

than it does five-and-tens.

Okay, I want names,
address, okay?

Big deal. Uh, Joe, corner
of 24th and Lexington.

Harry, Gramercy Park.

Okay, come on, come on,
come on. I want details, huh?

Uh, Spanish Phil,
8th Avenue subway.

Men's room.

Details.

The booth across the way
from the comb machine.

Wojo, you want to go for a ride?

Sure, where are we going?

I gotta check out some screams.

It's either a riot or an orgy.

Hey, it's the
same thing, ain't it?

Fish. Yeah?

Keep, uh, keep
an eye on the store.

I gotta go over
to the university.

I envy you. I never
went to a college,

even for a few minutes.

It's a diplomatic mission.

Maybe I can give
them an education.

Hey, Barney, uh, going
by the 8th Avenue subway?

Yeah. Oh, good.

I got to go to the men's
room on 34th Street.

Picky, picky.

Everybody's been
jumping all over me, Barney.

The mayor, the
police commissioner,

the Board of Regents.
I just think this thing

has been blown out
of proportion, that's all.

So do I, Barney. So do I.

They're making a big
deal out of busting some kid

out at a schoolyard campus.

What's the world coming to?

It's not that I don't believe in
the sanctity of the university.

I do too, Barney.

That's why I say the police
got just as much a right

to go in there as anybody else.

I just don't want to see
these kids made a scapegoat.

Somebody's got to be
the scapegoats, Barney.

Nowadays that's
the way things are.

I mean... I mean, who do those
two think they are, anyway?

They are two young, intelligent,

overly enthusiastic
police officers.

Yeah.

Yeah, can you feature that, huh?

Two women police officers.

It's enough to make
your skin crawl, ain't it?

It's a changing
world, inspector.

Yeah, well, let's...
Let's not get into that.

I mean, they're the
ones that blew the deal,

so they're the ones that we
gotta throw to the dogs, right?

Fair's fair, Barney.

Ma'am, ma'am, your
call was not ignored.

We investigated the screams

and you could have
saved us an awful lot of time

if you'd had told us that you
lived next door to a hospital.

Mr. Victor. Oh, uh,

I got back as fast as I could.

I brought the photograph.

Good, uh, I put out a
check on Mrs. Victor,

and, uh, we haven't
come up with anything yet.

But, uh, now that we got this,
we're gonna be in good shape.

We'll get a flyer out
and we'll have a...

Have a...

She's a... She's a
beautiful woman.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I feel like I've
seen her before.

Everyone says that.

Mr. Victor, would you
mind sitting down over there

for just a minute?
I'll be right with you.

Captain Miller in his office?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, look who's back
wearing the old school colors.

You know what you can do?

Go ahead, tell me.

I ain't gonna let her.

We're in enough
trouble as it is.

Yes, come in, girls.

Fish,

does that look like
someone familiar to you?

Sure, Jean Harlow.

Jean Harlow. She...
She's in the movies, huh?

She certainly was.

Bernice and I got married
about the same time she died.

Harlow's way was quicker.

All right, here we are,

just four cops alone
in a room together.

So there's not going to be
any beating around the bush.

Now, what I got to say is...

Is nothing to do

with whether women belong
on the police force or not,

which they do not.

However, I want you
two ladies to know

that I got nothing against you,

which is why, at one time, I
almost married one of your kind.

Yeah.

Now, you're not
interested in that.

You want to find out what's
gonna happen to you, hm?

Now, I want to tell you,

the whole administration
is up in arms.

Everybody's been
screaming for your hides.

But you two are cops,

and the police department
takes care of it's own.

Correct, Captain Miller?

Right.

Yes, so we're
gonna try to arrage

to transfer the two
of you to a precinct

over on the other
side of Staten Island.

Nobody will ever
be able to find you.

That's all. Dismissed.

What...? What...? What's that?

Huh?

What is that, Barney?

They... They had a
rough day today, inspector.

Yeah, I know, but I
can't talk to them if...

If they're gonna do like that.

Listen, sir, we tried our best.

I mean, we did what we
thought was a good job,

and if that's the way you
stand behind your people,

then we're better off
out of here anyway.

Yeah, huh?

Look, what, uh...?

What do you want to
do about this, Barney?

Listen, you know,
they're good cops,

they got good records. Yeah?

Probably make good
detectives someday.

Yeah, well, why...? Why
don't you tell them that, then?

Maybe they'll stop
this... This crying.

I think they'd rather
hear it from you.

You do, eh? Sure.

All right.

Now, look here, Officer, uh...

Turner?

Turner. Look here,
Officer Turner.

Come on, there. Now, let's...
Let's pull yourself together.

Hey. Turn off the waterworks.

Look here, you don't
want to go out there

when them other policemen
are all gonna see you crying

and all gonna laugh
at you, do you?

We were only doing our jobs.

Yeah, sure, officer. I
know. That... That's fine.

It was a very good bust.

No, nobody said
it was a bad bust.

I got some, uh,
work to do outside.

I... No, hey...
Barney, come here.

I don't want to go
to Staten Island!

Relax, now.

Officer Turner, come on, now.
Please, let's stop the boo-hoos.

No more boo-hoos, there.

Now, just dry your
eyes and blow the...

Out of your nose.

Try to behave like
a fine little, uh, cop.

Where's Wojo?

Downstairs doing
a make on, uh...

Oh.

What's happening in there?

Luger's tough.

How are the girls?

Tougher.

Hey, hey, you're pretty
funny, you know that, kid?

Hey, man. I gave you
three legitimate places.

Oh, yeah. Well, what happened?

Nobody in the men's
room? I found a guy.

He didn't have any stuff but
he gave me five more names.

Good. Yeah, and
I checked them out

and they gave me
some more names.

Look at this list.

You know what I think?

I think everybody in
Manhattan is selling grass.

I think you're right.

You want me to bring them in?

Wait for my day off, huh?

What do we do about
all these people?

This is not the White House.

The buck doesn't stop here.
Take it over to Narcotics.

Great idea.

Him too?

Listen, he was cooperative, huh?

Yeah.

What do we got on him?
Class A misdemeanor at best.

Forget it.

Now, look, kid, I'm gonna
send you back to school,

but I'm gonna give your
name to the chancellor

and he's gonna
want to talk to you.

I'd rather go with the list.

All right, come on,
kid. You're free to go.

But remember, I
got my eye on you.

Listen,

every human being has
got a right to make a mistake

once in a while.

I, uh... I made one or
two myself in my time.

Really? Oh, yeah, sure. Honest.

Well, I... I told you
about Hilda, didn't I?

Well, look, why don't you
two run along downstairs,

powder your noses and
get back on the job, hm?

We want to thank you, inspector
for your help and understanding.

Anytime, ladies. Anytime at all.

See you, guys.

Bye, y'all.

Everything go right,
inspector? Hm?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, sure.

They're a couple of
good kids, you know?

Got a lot of moxie.

And, you know,
they... They smell better

than a lot of policemen.

What, uh...? What are you
gonna tell the commissioner?

Uh, listen, I'll think up
some cock-and-bull story.

Not like I haven't done
it before, right, Barney?

Right. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, fellas.

See you around. Uh, Barn?

I, uh... I checked
on Mr. Victor.

He... He's got a...
You know, he's clean.

He, uh, works for the city.

Record shows he's got
a wife and has two kids.

What did he do?

Reported his wife
missing. Here's her picture.

Oh. Well, yeah,
that's Jean Harlow.

Mr. Victor, uh... Yes.

And I know how busy you are

and I appreciate
everything you're doing.

Sit right down, sit right down.

Is this a picture
of your wife, huh?

Pretty, isn't she? Oh, yeah.

Well, let me show you some...
Some pictures of the kids.

That's Jean Harlow.

You can tell by the
no-eyebrows look.

Yeah, I know. Barney's
trying to help him out right now.

Well, why don't you
just put him in a bag

and dump him at Bellevue?

I think we can
handle it, inspector.

Oh, sure. I know.

The human touch, huh?

Bunch of old softies.

I'll see you around, fellas.

So long, Barney.

So long.

Sucker.

These are the boys.

Nice-looking kids. Thank you.

Listen, uh, Mr. Victor,

we're trying to do
everything we can,

but in the meantime, um,

I'm gonna give you the
name of a friend of mine.

He's a doctor. See, you've
been under a lot of strain.

I can tell, and he might be
able to give you something

to help you relax.

Nice-looking kids, huh, Fish?

Mickey Rooney and
Freddie Bartholemew.

We were all so happy together.

I... I don't understand
what happened.

That's life, Mr. Victor.

Sometimes it's hard to
recognize things as they really are.

Do you think there's
something wrong with me?

I'm a cop, Mr. Victor. I
don't have all the answers.

You know, you're not the
first people who told me

that this is a picture
of Jean Harlow.

What do you think?

Sometimes, I'm not sure.

Well, maybe that's a
step in the right direction.

I'll see your friend.

Good.

If this really is a
picture of Jean Harlow,

I guess I'll just have
to learn to live with it.

Uh, you're gonna
be all right, Mr. Victor.

Why not?

I've still got the kids.

They're all cracking
up out there.

Yeah. I just hope they
don't bring it in here.

Barney, tell me, who is this?

That's Bernice.

That's what I was afraid of.

I weighed myself.

I've lost 4 pounds last week.

Well, slow but steady.

Yeah, I'll bet he got a bike.

He looks like he took my advice.

But I gotta be careful not
to get too thin and attractive.

Bernice will get turned
on and I'll lose more weight.

Then I'll get more attractive.

Oh, it's a vicious cycle.

And they can ruin you for life.